The pilgrims of the Thames in search of the National! The illus., designed, etched, and drawn on wood

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ii

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THE

PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES,

IX SEARCH OF THE

NATIONAL!

PIERCE EGAN,

AUTHOR OF "LIFE TX LONDON'," "DUBLIN," " LIVEHPOOL ';" ''LIFE OS-
AX ACTOR;" "SHOW-FOLKS;" ETC.

T II E I L LU ST 11 ATI O NS,

IM-l s I <i NT I), ETOUI' D, VND D R -WV N ON IV O O T), BY

PIERCE EGAN, THE YOUNGER.

DEDICATED TO HER MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY, QUEEN7 VICTORIA.

LONDON;
\V. STRANGE, 21, PATERNOSTER ROW;

AM) ALL HOOKSFLLER8.

" STAR PRESS "

20, Ci 033 -Street, Hatton-Garden,
JAMES TURNER.

fO HER MOST EXCELLENT MAJESTY,

QUEEN VICTORIA.

MOST GRACIOUS SOVEREIGN,

If a life of deep experience has enabled me in
THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES, IN SEARCH OF
THE ISATIONAL, to depict scenes, which, at the time they
amuse, may instruct the Public ; I may perhaps be pardoned,
for most humbly and respectfully, thus inscribing my efforts to
your Majesty; who has ever the welfare of your people at
heart.

That LITERATURE, THE FINE ARTS, SCIENCES, &c., may
bloom healthily, and brightly, under your Majesty's protection,
— who, while you foster the more elevated Rose, will not neglect
the humble Violet ; — that your Majesty may long, very long,
reign over a brave and free people, the Mistress of their HEARTS,
as you are of a Kingdom, which is MISTRESS OF THE WORLD ;
and that in promoting the Peoples' you may secure your own

happiness, is the sincere wish of,

»

YOUR MAJESTY'S
Very humble, and

Most devoted Servant,

PIERCE EGAN.

London, January \st> 1838-.

803

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.

Thoughts on the originality of the subject— and truth and facts the leading
features of the argument.

CHAPTER II.

An outline — or, rather a pen and ink sketch of PETER MAKEMONEY a

thorough-bred cockney — his obscure origin in early life — great rise im-
mense luck — and experience in society. A retired wealthy citizen, who had
filled the offices of Sheriff, Alderman, and Lord Mayor. His observations on
men and manners — Opinions worth knowing.

CHAPTER III.

The advantages attached to property ; or win gold and wear it ! MAKEMONEY'S

spontaneous notions of a Pilgrimage on the BANKS OF THE THAMES

" Home, sweet Home," against any other air in the history of music ; con-
trasted with France, Italy, Switzerland, the Rhine, &c., &c. The Pilgrims
— MAKEMONEY, FRANK FLOURISH, and JAMES SPRIGHTLY, (otherwise
"Young Neverfretl") in search offthe NATIONAL. PETER'S liberal
advice to his Nephew, full of pith, and nothing else but orthodox. An outline
of "Young Neverfret," scarcely out of his leading strings ; and a sketch of
FLOURISH ; quite a character I MAKEMONEY'S admonition to his brother
Pilgrims, previous to their starting — ' a stitch in time saves nine ' — FLOURISH'S
opinion against duelling — a safe card — prevention better than cure — A few
words in praise of Greenwich Hospital, truly NATIONAL !

CHAPTER IV,

The pleasures of anticipation — the Pilgrims preparing to start — Who's for Green-
wich ? Holiday Folks ! Smiling faces — children six feet high — pleasure the
order of the day ! The Tower recognized as an old land-mark, and the Cus-
tom House praised for its magnificence. Lots of Characters on board of the
Steamer ! Off she goes — The eloquent dealer in Literature — (quid pro quo) —
the luxury of a newspaper. Introduction of TIM BRONZE, without being
introduced; a living Vampire and Victim-hunter. Description of the neces-
sary CUTS in Society — Secrets worth knowing to a Young Man on his
entrance into life ! The soi-disant Duchess and her two daughters — Generals
in petticoats enlisting recruits ! PICTURESQUE DOLEFUL, a tally under-
taker, one of the woeful disciples of LAVATER; but a useful personage to
ensure a decent finish to the last exit 1 SCAPEGRACE, a dark and terrific
oortrait of human nature ; or a man may smile and be a villain. OLD FATHER
THAMES in all his glory — MAKEMONEY in ecstacy — a bit of the NATIONAL !
V sound reply to an Alarmist of the Olden Times !

CHAPTER V.

The Steamer afloat — FLOURISH at fault — "the amiable " wanting — afraid to
attack the Duchess — DOLEFUL and Coroners' Inquests ; or, the World's End I
a hoax — A few words more respecting SCAPEGRACE, but not quite ripe for ex-
posure. MAKEMONEY delighted — his description of the variety seen in a trip
by Steam — Cockneys adrift — Fresh water sailors ; versus, the rough sous of
the ocean — Debarking from the steamer — Greenwich Park — Kissing ii the

Ji CONTENTS,

ring National habits ought to be preserved ; a legal opinion on the subject.

An invitation to dinner ; a rhetorical display, vulgarly termed the gift of the
gab 1 WILHELMINA and SERAPHINA, a pair of female portraits — live and
learn, stay at home and know nothing-— What a world we live in ! The self-
sufficient FLOURISH completely outwitted.

CHAPTER VI.

FLOURISH asking himself a few questions ! Perplexed with' doubts ! Satire a
bitter weapon ; and men, in general, afraid of being laughed at. A hint or two
respecting the dangers of blind confidence ; or persons having too good an
opinion of their own sagacity. Travellers see strange things, and are rather
too apt to praise other countries in preference to their own ; nevertheless,
Greenwich Fair and the Park contrasted with the Carnival at Naples. The
Dance — not the Tarantula ; but equally as exciting to the feelings — nothing
else but gay moments — touch and take — please your taste — running kisses —
dangerous to be safe — " O the days when I were young " — quality and
quantity — both in the field. MAKEMONEY'S love of his country again display-

- ed. SPRIGHTLY over head and ears in love ! The ARTISTS at work — draw-
ing the Flats— and the Pilgrims let into the secret I

CHAPTER VII.

The SHOW FOLKS 1 Talent outside of the Theatre ; or, how to " pull 'em in !"
An original comic song, embellished with patois, but quite in character ; and a
word or two respecting the chances and profession of an Actor. Recollections
of the late MUSTER RICHARDSON, entitled to record, according to the intrinsic
value set upon mankind by a great public writer. The miseries attached to
Strollers sixty years ago. The dangers of a double-bedded apartment The
serious effects from too much learning — the light headed Pig to wit — a caution
to Students. A glance at the Choice Spirits of the olden times — Players,
Poets, Painters, Authors, &c. The late EDMUND KEAN and the Show Folks
— his flattering reception at the court of King George the Third— Talent will
make its way. A wet scene ; or, too much of water hadst thou, OXBERRY I
The flight of Ducks 1 a singular adventure. How to avoid an Act of Parlia-
ment : a play-bill for dummies ! Liberal traits of the late Mrs. JORDAN —
more anon.' Comparisons (not odious) between the illustrious JOHN KEMBLE,
of classical notoriety, and the matter-of-fact Showman. Hear, and decide !
A few sentences by way of Epitaph — a trifling remembrance to the memory
of the late Muster Richardson.

CHAPTER VIII.

CHARLES TURF, Esq., a character upon the town — up to every thing — with a
lingo of his own — yet a man of observation, and a most excellent companion.
A glance at the Sporting Booth — all sorts of folks — Nature unadorned —
Niceties not required — Jack as good as his master — Independence of feeling to
the echo — Looks dangerous, and speech worse — the old adage desirable " To
hear much and speak little." A song for those that like it — a curiosity in
literature-— a scrap for D'!SRAELI. The handsome female with a fine bust —
Beauty powerful in all companies. The maker of a book, but no reader. A fig
for literature — Authors distanced as to chance, 7 to 4. A figure in rhetoric.
The Free and Easy Concert — every body welcome — WEBER not known, and
BISHOP not thought of. Babel — to wit, " All round my Cap !"" Tommerhoo !"
Silence ! silence ! silence I What a row I For shame — when a female woman
shows her ivories 1 What low remarks ! Vulgar fellows 1 Keep your jaw to
yourself ! or else — What ? Why ! You'll meet with a stop-jaw ! Indeed !
How liberal ! Enough ! Too much 1 Who's for Lunnun ? The Costard-mon-
ger and his prad— Every man to his calling. Any port in a storm. The dan-
gers of tickling ; or, keep your hands to yourself, Ould Chap ! A glance at low
life — rum customers. St. Paul's in sight— and the PILGRIMS once more at home.

CONTENTS. iii

CHAPTER IX.

A few preparatory words on authorship — shewing that it is more advantageous to
have Nature for a guide than trust to the imagination ; and giving the preference
to mix with society in general, than cogitating in the closet, if characters and
real life are to be truly depicted. Be it so : — Where shall we go ? above, or
below bridge ? — The question at issue— difficult to decide ; both attractive to
the echo. An invitation to TURF'S cottage puts an end to the argument.
MAKEMONEY'S recollections of former days respecting the Banks of the
Thames — Dress and manner of the people — an immense change for the better.
Millbank ; to wit — An extraordinary character of the olden times — a thief and
a honest man in the same person ; completely illustrating Pope's maxim, that
"the proper study of mankind is man." Curious definition of champagne,
versus ale, by one of the Pilgrims — a matter of taste. Outlines of a Race-
course— a study, perhaps worthy of contemplating by persons who seek after
pleasure. Flats and Sharps — Fools and Deep Ones — Peers and Tradesmen — •
all in motion. Thimbles applied to a very different purpose from their original
intention. The magical garter, and the gilded pill ; or, how to twist an argu-
ment, A head without brains ; or, a sketch of a thoughtless fellow — a tale for
inexperienced young men. The long wished-for anecdotes related by TURF —
The Match- Girl ; or a woman with the fine bust. A peep in the mirror —
wretchedness and beggary personified. The transformation What can't gold do I

CHAPTER X. *

The Pilgrims turn Pic-nic-iaus ! — Why should not aPic-nic be a medium for a Pil-
grimage ? Who's to be there ? Characters of all sorts ; great and small, learned
and unlearned, " extremes meet." The preliminaries for starting adjusted, a slight
mistake 1 Diamond for Diana, and prospect of no'dinner; possible probability of
the provisions presence, and passionate propensity, " pro " pungency, in a
pretty petticoat. A steamer in hot weather, a broiler, and no sinecure !
Makemoney overcome ; Sprightly not flourishing ; nor Flourish sprightly ! The
females in a stew for fear of being fried. The punster punless ; and the pedant
pensive I The children in mischief, and Mrs. Brindle in agony ! The landing,
hurra 1 here's the provender. The dinner 1 accidents and offences, " Keep
your hands from picking and stealing I" The Stroll — Fortune telling in Rich-
mond Park — Makemoney cajoled by a flattering black-eyed gipsey girl. "Ah
old gentleman, we've caught you, have we ? Ha ! ha ! ha I What did she say —
eh ? — " Such stuff as dreams are made of." Let's have tea — agreed. Oh, dear
— dear — I thought so, my dress is spoiled ! Never mind, "children will be
children." Now for home, " domus arnica, domus optima 1" — " Rise gentle
moon." A Hero and Leander in humble life. Boat song — the lover to his
mistress ; fatal termination ! " The course of true love never did run smooth !"
Well, here we are — our "journey's happy ended," — Goodnight. "Bonus
Nocte 1"

CHAPTER XI:

MAKEMONEY'S invitation to Charles Turf, Esq., to dine with him in London —
accepted by the latter. Continuation of the interesting adventures of the
Match-Girl ; strange, but true. Love-letters, or rather bargains of a Smith-
field character — Vice reduced to a trade, and beauty a marketable commodity ;
but face painting not amongst the faults of the Match-Girl. The dangers of
fascination — FLOURISH'S opinion and dislike of very beautiful women — some
truth connected with his remarks. A female without a heart — yet not devoid
of susceptibility — a touch of the pathetic — the afflicted father, fond mother,
and inconsiderate son — grey hairs still respected. Greatness of the Match-
Girl. Introduction of young RENTROLL, a country 'gentlemen — a neck-or-
nothing sort of personage — all to-day, and let to-morrow provide for itself —
A masquerade visit ; or, how to pay off old debts. Dangerous to be safe.
Prowess of the Match -Girl — the sprig of quality reduced beneath the rank of a
commoner — revenge sweet. No security in disguise, or I am not what I seem

CONTENTS.

to be I The bailiffs in the dark — a scene in a lock-up house — the amorous
man woman — One might be hanged as well for a sheep as a lamb. HOLDFAST
in error — astonished — the secret unravelled — therefore "go it," and finish the
spree; it will amount to the same thing one hundred years hence ; but " all's
well that ends well."

CHAPTER XII.

Strolls on the water — a tour — anything ; or rather, days of observation by the
PILGRIMS ; a boat excursion — Stop where it suits you ! Go where you like !
Stay as long as you please ! after the manner of the sailors idea upon the sub-
ject; any port in a storm! The "National !" every thing in the mind of
MAKEMONEY ; an argument in favour of the Banks of the Thames, respecting
their connection with history, politics, fine arts, literature, the drama, &c., in-
cluding a host of " Great creatures of by-gone days !" A spree, a bit of fun, an
anecdote. How 'to astonish a landlord ; a row-a-way party to escape the
reckoning. It must be them ! No it arn't! Yes it is! No, I am wrong!
Very much like 'em ! At all events, they look more like thieves than horses !
FLOURISH'S tale : nay more, a fact ; in which are exhibited the feelings of
gratitude, the value of friendship, and the purity of unconquerable love ; realiz-
ing the adage, better to be born fortunate than rich. Names not necessary,
yet a reference to the London Directory, might, if the cue was obtained, put
the matter beyond all doubt. But mystery is effective ; or the characters of
Marplot and Paul Pry, would become dead letters, and be put upon the shelf.
" O th§ joys of angling" — a fishing party — a bite ; a Dog fish ! Overboard
he went ! A splashing match with the Eton boys ; MAKEMONEY in the water ;
not drowned ; a cooler, and a complete ducking ! Those who play at bowls
must expect rubs. The pleasing sound of Bow bells to the ear of a cockney.

CHAPTER XIII.

The PILGRIMS interested at a Rowing-match, between " Bill Prizeman's boy,
and Coat-and-Badge Dick." The spirit of the thing ! Times and manners.
Civility costs nothing. A dialogue between a coalheaver and an old maid ; or
torturing the English language. The dog and the hat ; a tiny bit of the
marvellous ! • A night scene on the banks of the Thames. Vauxhall — to wit.
MAKEMONEY out of humour with the altered appearance of things ; or, nothing
like by-gone days at the gardens. SPRIGHTLY, vice versa, full of enjoyment
with the present period ; and FLOURISH exulting, that " a bird in the hand is
worth two in the bush !" TURF, all happiness, contented with the idea of
taking things as you now find them. Unexpected meeting with old friends and
acquaintances, The hoax ; Flourish and Makemoney the victims 1 Women
and wine — a row — the Pilgrims in trouble ! an eveiy day sort of thing at places
of amusement. " We won't go home till morning ! We won't go home till
morning, &c."

CHAPTER XIV.

The Pilgrims in training — a horse cannot always be running at the the top of his
speed ; and the strongest men require rest when they put Nature to the test.
FLOURISH, SPRIGHTLY and MAKEMONEY restored to their pristine state of
health, and anxious to start upon another cruise. The Pilgrims once more on
the Thames, enjoying all its nautical grandeur, united with the picturesque and
pleasing variety of its scenery, developed on its banks. A character on board
of the steamer — an English Don Juan — a man of sentiment — an appalling
picture of the destruction occasioned, by dissipation and libertinism on the
human frame ; a portrait for inconsiderate young men to analyze, before it is
too late, in all its bearings — depicted by TURF in an artist-like manner. Modern
Antiquity ; or, the mansion built with stones from old London Bridge — its vari-
ous comical designations and allusions by the passengers, who pass and repass
it, up and down the River. A sketch of the proprietor, by the old Citizen.
MAKEMONEY determined to participate in the amusements of Gravesend; without
any restraint ; according to the maxim, " that when you are at Rome, do as
Rome does." Remarks, by the old Citizen, on the rapid rise of Gravesend in

CONTENTS. V

the estimation of the public, as a convenient and fashionable watering-place — •
contrasted with his boyhood days, to the downhill of life. With a variety of
other circumstances which presented themselves to the Pilgrims during their
trip to Gravesend.

CHAPTER XV.

The Pilgrims always on the alert ; another trip to Richmond— the church -yard —
visit to the grave of the late EDMUND KEAN, Esq,, as an obligation to his
splendid histrionic talents. " De mortuis nil nisi bonum." Conversation be-
tween MAKEMONEY, TURF, SPRIGHTLY, and FLOURISH, respecting no monu-
ment having been erected over the remains of so great an actor. Introduction
of Launcelot Quarto, the tourist ; the author's MS. respecting his visit to
Woodland Cottage, in the Isle of Bute, the selected retreat of Shakspeare's
hero, including a variety of original anecdotes, never before published — descrip-
tion of the splendid picturesque scenery — beauties of the Clyde ; the interior of
the cottage, paintings, books, presents made to Mr. Kean; with a variety of
interesting circumstances worthy the attention of the lovers of the drama.

CHAPTER XVI.

The Pilgrims anxious to visit the source of the Thames ; one of the most impor-
tant features in their Pilgrimage ; also to follow the stream to the finish of it.
The Nore — explanation and authorities upon the subject. A trip to Glouces-
tershire ; friendly reception at Fox-hunters Hall. Sir HENRY TALLY-HO,
Bart., a choice spirit, one of the Olden Times; TURF, FLOURISH, and
SPRIGHTLY, quite at home ; MAKMONEY, in anew character, a second Johnny
Gilpin, who went faster and further than he intended — (but a miss is as good
as a mile) — and, the Old Citizen, none the worse for his unexpected gallop 1
Outline of an Oxford Scholar. Unlooked for incidents. The old Citizen
sporting a toe. Sketch of an accomplished thief, &c.

CHAPTER XVII.

The winding up of the Pilgrimage for the season; MAKEMONEY, FLOURISH, and
SPRIGHTLY, having a peep at the Lord Mayor's Show, opposite Hungerford
Market. Remarks of the crowd, and other incidents connected with mobs in
general. There is a time for every thing. The Pilgrims' farewell to CHARLES
TURF, Esq., until the long days and bright Sol, once more invite them to the
country.

PLATES TO FACE.

Folio,

Concerting Pilgrimage 23

Steam Boat 24

Greenwich Park 53

Kiss-in-the-Ring 70

Richardson's Theatre 80

Free and Easy 130

The Pilgrims at Hampton Races 155

The Match-Girl 176

Do 181

Sailing Match 200

ThePic-Nic 209

Fortune Telling . . 215

The White Lady 233

Fishing 297

The Pilgrims at Windsor 299

. at a Boat Race 300

at Vauxhall 308

The English Don Juan 319

The Pilgrims at Gravesend 327

Kean's Grave. 341

The Source of the Thames 361

The Nore Light 370

The Lord Mayor's Show 373

The Frontispiece to face the Title.

THE

PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

IN SEARCH OF THE

NATIONAL !

CHAPTER I.

THOUGHTS ON THE ORIGINALITY OF THE SUBJECT — AND
TRUTH AND FACTS THE LEADING FEATURES OF THE
ARGUMENT.

IF ROMANCE is the forte of an author, whenever he makes up
his mind to sit down to write a book, he may, if circumstances
require it, exclaim, with the late Lord Byron, " I want a HERO ? "

However, fortunately for us, we are not left in that predica-
ment ; we have not to " lean upon our elbows," lost, as it were,
in cogitation ; neither have we any thing" to do with Romance
in any shape whatever. No ! our castles are not of the " Otranto"
build ; nor do we deal in matters like the " Mysteries of Udolpho,"
it not being* our intention to speak in — parables !

Corridors and subterraneous passages, likewise, are not neces-
sary to illustrate our characters, as it will be seen they do not
depend upon stag-e effect — abrupt entrances ! awful exits ! trap-
doors ! or blue tire ; and g'hosts and grinning1 spectres are much
too frightful to be introduced for the amusement of our readers !
Therefore, nothing- of the phantasmagoria kind will be attempted ;
reality being the decided object in view ; and our heroes and he-
roines are to be met with every day in the public walks of life !
sometimes on board of steamers ; at others inside, or on the tops
of stage-coaches ; and not unfrequently to be seen on the out-
sides of horses. They are flesh and blood to the very touch ;
and words are not put into their mouths like puppets ! but they
speak for themselves, either " good, bad, or indifferent !'

Invention is, therefore, entirely out of the question ; and far
be it from us to make characters — that is to say, like parts writ-
ten for actors, according to the rank and situation they hold on the
boards of a theatre — an " Uncle Foozle," to wit, for Mr. Farren ;

B

42 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

or a ready-cut and dried sailor for Mr. T. P. Cooke ! Our aim is
totally different, and takes a higher ground ; — the " dramatis per-
sonse " that we are about to represent, being composed of persons
who caught the eyes of the Pilgrims under peculiar circumstances ;
or crossed their paths during their pilgrimage on the BANKS OF
THE THAMES !

As a matter of course, it will appear that some of our aspiring
personages are decorated in the fashionable apparel of a Stultz
or a Nugee, for the best of all reasons — because fashion is their
very soul, and dress their only idol ! while the other part of them
are, from dire necessity, compelled to wear a garment, purchased
perhaps either at Rag Pair or Jllonmouth-street — no matter
where, so that it answers the purpose of wearing apparel.

Yet taste, with a certain class of society, is considered of the
utmost importance — for instance, in the trifling article of snuff,
without the peculiar scent given to it by the addition of the Ton-
quin Sean, would be pronounced by the connoisseur of the
'Canisters!' shocking! wretched, and abominable stuff ! while,
on the contrary, downright " Irish Blackguard " would be hailed
as a delicious treat to the proboscis of other individuals, and as-
serted, with equal firmness, that none but gentlemen make use of
the above article — therefore, " Who's to decide when doctors
disagree ? ' However, we take our heroes as we find them, and
chance it — whether running against my Lord Duke, with his
glittering star, backed by his high birth, parentage, and education ;
or coming in rude contact with " Sweep, soot ho ! " with only
his bag arid brush to carry him through the world ! From such
a variety of persons passing in review, some of NATURE'S un-
meaning compositions will shew themselves — who, to supply
their defects, endeavour to set themselves off to the best advan-
tage, by exhibiting a dashing exterior, to obtain importance in
the eyes of society ; and if PERRING'S fashionable light hats cover
many lighter heads — it is no matter about brains — if the effect
of attraction is obtained by the wearers of them !

Our heroines, too, will be found real women, positively females
from top to toe — it not being our wish, if we had the power,
like Glendower, to call " spirits from the vasty deep ! " nor to
enlist Venus, Juno, Psyche, and all the other captivating god-
desses, from the splendid court of Jupiter's beauties, under our
banners, to dazzle the eyes and bewilder the senses of our pa-
trons ! No ! we are anxious to exclude any thing in the shape
of temptation ; therefore, nothing like a f^enus di Medicis will
be prominent amongst them : —

Ladies, like variegated tulips,

Tis to their changes half their charms we owe ;

Fine by defect, and delicately weak ;

Their happy spots the nice admirer take.

Although among our pages may be found ladies with pretty faces —

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 3

good figures — genteel gait — interesting address — and handsomely
dished up in gros-de-Naples silk-dresses — diamond ear-drops —
fingers covered with rings — hair, in glossy ringlets — united with
every thing that art can render effective to ornament their per-
sons— and give attraction to their appearance. Such females as
you may cast your eyes upon at the Italian Opera — the Theatres
— Epsom and Ascot Races — Kensington Gardens — Regent Street,
&c. from my Lady Duchess down to the humble maid of all
work — Fairies, and other imaginary creatures, are exclusively
left to the writers of romance !

ORIGINALITY and decided features being our peculiar aim ;
although it is asserted by the Quidnuncs — a set of persons who
wish to be thought wiser and better informed than other folks,
" that there is nothing new under the Sun !" But as a set-off
against the above old, and stale adage, we agree with the drama-
tist : —

Severe their task, who in this critic age,
With fresh materials furnish out the stage!
Not that our fathers drain'd the comic store,
Fresh characters spring up as heretofore ;
NATURE with Novelty does still abound;
On every side fresh follies may be found.

However, it will be admitted the «/%e varies — the Times alter
— and that Fashion is continually changing all the modes of
life ; — so much so, that, in the course of a few fleeting years,
society assumes a different aspect altogether ; yet however, it is
not altogether improbable that we may jostle against some soi-
disant English Don Juaiis — Chevaliers Faublas' — Don Quixottes,
&c., but rather more likely that we may meet with beings simi-
lar to Tom Jones, Peregrine Pickle, and Paul Clifford ! Should
such characters appear, pen and ink drawings shall not be want-
ing to illustrate their achievements, and if we can but hold the
mirror up to Nature, and shoot folly as it flies— we shall then feel
gratified that we have accomplished our task ; therefore, in order
to deserve success, we set sail boldly, under the old proverb,
a faint heart ne'er won a fair lady !

THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER II.

An Outline— or, rather a Pen and Ink Sketch of PETER MAKE-
MONEY — a thorough-bred Cockney — his obscure origin in
early life— great rise — immense luck — and experience in
society. Jl retired wealthy citizen., who had filled the
Offices of Sheriff, Jllderman, and Lord Mayor. His ob-
servations on Men and Manners — Opinions worth know-
ing.

A wit's a feather, and a chief a rod,

An honest man's the noblest work of God.

PETER MAKEMONEY was, at one period of his career, a man of
considerable importance in the City of London, but whose first
onset in life was rather in an humble capacity : however, from his
rig-id attention to business, and industry, he was soon enabled to
shake off his obscurity— and, like several other persons connected
with mercantile affairs in this immense Metropolis, he rose step by
step, until he arrived at the important situation of an Alderman.
He looked back with astonishment at his rapid success in life,
being- scarcely the possessor of a shilling- at one time ; when he
retired from business with an immense fortune. He had served
the office of Sheriff with great activity and credit to himself ; and
also filled the Civic Chair to the g-eneral satisfaction of the public.
Makemoney was a strait-forward character in every point of
view — and a highly impartial mag-istrate. He was a friend to
the poor — the distressed in circumstances — and the unfortunate,
g-enerally, in him found a friend. Yet he was a terror to the
wicked and proflig-ate ; but, nevertheless, he always tempered
justice with mercy ; and if he thoug-ht there appeared any thing-
like sorrow or reformation about the criminal,when broug-ht before
him, he did every thing- in his power to give the culprit a chance
to effect so desirable an object. He endeavoured to <e see his
way" clearly upon every subject ; and any thing- like the slig-htest
bias of an improper feeling-, never appeared in his conduct or his
decisions. He did his duty fearlessly upon all occasions ; and,
althoug-h a very plain man in his habits and mode of life, yet he
was most anxious to preserve the dignity of his situation as the
Lord Mayor of the greatest city in the world : and by his liberality
he considerably increased, rather than diminished the smallest par-
ticle of the splendour which attached to the office.* He was

* It should seem that Makemoney, in order to preserve the dignity of the cha-
racter attached to the person of the Lord Mayor, adopted the following mode to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 5

firm in his manners, dignified in his conduct, and nothing- like
parade or ostentation was observed by his most intimate friends.
He felt proud that he had been thought worthy by his fellow
citizens to fill so important an office ; but nevertheless he had no
political ambition to gratify, and Peter Makemoney preserved his
independence to the end of the chapter.

In his magisterial capacity he was accessible upon all occasions ;
and although many of the interruptions he received came under
the denomination of " troublesome," he never shewed impatience
to any of his applicants, and they always left his presence well
pleased with his affability and condescension : indeed, Peter was
anxious to obtain the good opinion of every body. He completed
his Mayoralty with immense popularity : and also with great joy
to himself, that he was enabled once more to retire into private
life. He disliked the pomp and shew ; although he admitted it
was necessary to the importance of the Chief Magistrate : and
Makemoney often declared he felt himself a hundred times hap-
pier in his own humble residence, than when receiving all the
honors and attentions in the splendid Mansion allotted to the
Lord Mayor.

However, it could be scarcely said of him, that he was indebt-
ed to any thing like education for his rise in life ; or what is
generally termed education — although he had had a great deal to
do with Books — his occupation being more to sell them, to
make an addition to his purse, than reading works for the im-
provement of his mind : but, it is quite certain, that he owed much
to observation : and treasured up the following lines of POPE as
most excellent advice :

'Tis strange the MISER should his cares employ,
To gain those riches he can ne'er enjoy!
It is less strange the PRODIGAL should waste
His wealth, to purchase, what he ne'er can taste !
Something there is more needful than expense,
And something precious e'en to Taste — 'tis SENSE !
Good sense which only is the gift of Heav'n,
And, though no Science^ fairly worth the Seven !

Calculation was also an immense assistance to him in his daily
pursuits ; — but Economy — invaluable Economy — all powerful
Economy, that often times gives, not only independence to the
mind — but frequently fortune to the adopter of it — was the inti-

answer two purposes : — From early habits, when the fatigue of business was over
for the day, he always indulged in the habit of smoking his pipe over a glass of
grog; but for the Lord Mayor to be seen with a pipe in his mouth before his de~
corated servants at the Mansion House, he thought might produce some remarks
and sneers not very palatable to his feelings. He, therefore, retired for an hour
or two, every evening, to his old chimney corner at his private residence (as the
humble Peter Makemonoy) to enjoy his whiffs in comfort ; and then returned,
like a "giant refreshed," to sustain the duties imposed upon him, as chief ma-
gistrate of the City of London.— " Domus arnica — domus optima."

6 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

mate and steady friend of Peter Makemoney. It is true those
excellent notions, united with industry, and persevering- conduct,
had been of immense assistance to him in his progress through
life ; they had not only rendered him a good and confidential
servant, but had tang-lit him the necessity of putting- by money
every year towards producing- an easy sort of independence
against old ag-e.

But he had been promoted, step by step, from one situation to
another in the establishment, till his word had become
almost law. His never-tiring- conduct to increase the interest of
the concern, was made so evident by his superior knowledg-e with
every circumstance connected with it ; nay more, transactions of
every description went throug-h his hands — and he was the go-
between on all occasions. It mig-ht be truly said, that his deci-
sion was final — that his master had become little more than a
" Looker-on " as it were — and troubled himself scarcely about
any thing- else, but his expenditure and profits.

Peter Makemoney, it should seem, had only flattered himself
that, from his long- services and attention, he mig-ht one day or
another, whenever his employer thoug-ht fit to retire from busi-
ness, or death took him out of the concern, realize a small share
in it ; that is to say, such a share as mig-ht be given to him for
his peculiar knowledge of conducting such an immense establish-
ment, provided it got into the hands of new proprietors.

But it had never entered his thoughts, great as his ambition
might have been to have arrived in the trade as a person of im-
portance— that he should become the whole and sole possessor of
his master's large property. Yet so it turned out in the sequel.
His master had not a relative in the world that he was aware of
— neither chick nor child ; and did not follow the example of the
rich and fortunate foundling boy — who, after he had amassed
together upwards of 100,000^. by his exertions in trade — adver-
tized in the public newspapers a handsome sum, if any person
could give him an accurate knowledge whether his father or
mother were living ; or indeed, any of his relations, that he might
share his fortune with them — so much did he feel himself alone
in this great metropolis : —

" Ah, my Pylades, what's this world without a friend ?"

On the contrary, Makemoney 's employer felt perfectly satisfied,
that he had found a sincere friend ; a good servant ; and a per-
son who had been through life attached to his interests. That
was enough. He could not find a better, or more deserving
man to leave his property to, than PETER. In consequence of
this decision his master made his will in the most private man-
ner ; and, barring his confidential solicitors, to whom he left
handsome legacies for their trouble, the disposition he had made
respecting his great wealth remained a profound secret : but.
Death, who spares no man, at length overtook him ; and

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 7

Peter Make money, to his utter astonishment, by such an unex-
pected slice of luck — became a man of immense property.

Thus at one stride — if he did not realize the appellation of a
great man — his good fortune resounded from the East India
House to St. Paul's Church Yard, that he had become one of the
most wealthy persons in the City of London. This shower of gold
as it might be termed, did not overwhelm his feelings ; and rather
strange to state, it did not alter the man " a jot." In his inter-
course with society — his good sense taught him not to be too
much elevated with sudden prosperity.

It is true Peter had been fond of money, being perfectly aware
the comforts it brought to the possessors of it ; but, nevertheless,
nothing like the term of miser attached to his character — and he
was quite capable of granting an accommodation or doing a good
action, without being paid for it. He also kept a good table ;
yet he was no gourmand. Although it has been the prevailing
satire on the Court of Aldermen from time immemorial of their
greedy attachment to good living,* almost to gluttony, yet it was
well-known that Makemoney had adopted in his own person the
sensible and healthful adage of " eating to live ; and not living
to eat." He was a temperate man altogether, though he did
not regulate his meals by any particular system ; neither did he
refrain from taking a glass or two of generous wine when in the
company of his friends ; or at other times when such refresh-
ment was deemed necessary.

Peter was a thorough cockney, to the utmost extent of the
phrase — except knocking about the v's and the w's. The sound
of Bow bells, to his ears was delightful music ; and the sight of
" Old Best," (as he termed St. Paul's Cathedral,) the delight of
his eyes ; in fact, he had seen nothing else but London, and he

* A well known facetious Baronet, connected for several years with the Corpora-
tion of London, distinguished for his jolly looking face, and his penchant for the
good things of this life — in the character of an Epicure — if not a Gourmand!
was very fond of turtle soup, regardless of the expence. He one morning called
at a tavern contiguous to Guildhall, after transacting some business — and asked
for a basin of turtle soup ! It was little more than a thimble-full in the eye of the
Baronet — and he put it out of sight, instanter. 'How much?' said he to the
waiter. ' Thirteen and sixpence,' was the reply. Clapping his hands upon his
stomach he thus argufied the topic. ' Thirteen shillings and sixpence a small
basin! — soon gone !«— rather expensive, to be sure ; and scarcely a taste ! But as
I am not indebted to any body — I do not see any just cause why I should die
indebted to my own flesh and blood — and cheat my Stomach. No ! that will
never do. — Starvation is not my creed! Here, waiter, another basinful; and
bring something like a basin this time — you made a mistake last time — and
brought the soup in a tea-cup /' Description falls short to portray the delighted
voracious eyes of the Baronet ; but like Sir John Falstaff over a cup of
sack, he smacked his lips and devoured the contents of it with peculiar gout.
Then pulling out his purse — ' Here, waiter, is one pound eight for you. Twenty
eight shillings might have been laid out much worse ! There is nothing immoral
in a basin of turtle soup — the Society for the Suppression of Vice do not take
cognizance of such things — therefore there is no offence in it.' He then left the
tavern to enjoy his dinner. Facts are stubborn things.

8 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

thought there was no place like London ; and, excepting- High-
gate and Hampstead (the cockney's round), the Metropolis was
the only place that he called his home.

According to the " Sayings and Doings" of a celebrated author,
though we cannot call accurately to our memory whether he had
ever made use of the adage of a devoted Londoner in favor of the
place of his nativity, — " that he would sooner be hanged in LON-
DON, than die a natural death in the country !" But, neverthe-
less, Peter insisted there was an excuse for this sort of partiality,
and that it came under the denomination of an " amiable weak-
ness !"

Be that as it may, Makemoney has often been heard to answer,
when the question has been put to him about his remaining so
much at home ? " In the first place," said he, " I could not
spare the time — the quantity of business I always had to transact
would not permit it ; and, secondly, it would not do for me, a
man of my years, to risque my neck on the high hills of SWITZ-
ERLAND, look like a fool in ITALY, and be absolutely lost, as it
were, on the banks of the Rhine ; or, in other words, be found
in the ludicrous situation of what is termed ' a cockney adrift /*

" No, no — I am quite content to explore the resources of my
own country, now the tide has turned, and my fortunes permit
me to do it — nay, more, the advantages which present themselves
contiguous to my native city, which I have often heard urged,
that for interest to the mind, attraction to the lovers of prospects,
and situations, cannot be excelled, either to the merchant,
the artist, or the historian — therefore, I am determined that my
PILGRIMAGE shall not extend beyond the Banks of the Thames ! "

Peter Makemoney was now quite at his ease : he had come
into the possession of more cash, by the above-mentioned bequest,
than he could ever spend in a rational sort of way — even if his
life were prolonged to a greater extent than falls to the lot
of man. A splendid fortune was at his command, besides a good
round sum which he had acquired by honest industry, in the
capacity of a servant.

Business, as a matter of course, had had its day with him — he,
therefore, relinquished it, and only kept his Alderman's gown as
a sort of amusement ; or, rather to occupy in some measure his
leisure time. He despised any thing like ostentation ; and self-
importance he was equally disgusted with ; but his home and
fire-side were great objects to his mind : he was also fond of a
game at whist or cribbage : in fact, there was a sort of Hoyle
about his play and judgement, but he severely exclaimed against
any thing that partook of gaming, in the slightest degree.

He was an excellent companion — a social fellow — and he had
no objection to a pipe and a glass in their proper place, and par-
ticularly fond of a good song. He was in raptures, even at the
recollection of the late Charles Incledon's Black-eyed Susan, and
Tom Moody : — " the Italian Opera House might be fine, as to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 9

music ; but the best of them" said he, " were a hundred miles
behind our English ballad-singer."

Makemoney always thought the Theatre not only a rational,
but a place of information, united with amusement ; and that a
good play improved society in their feelings towards each other.
It was delightful to see and hear the animated applause which
came from all parts of the house when the character of a villain
met with punishment for his crimes.

He was also a stickler for what might now be termed the old
school of acting, and considered the late John Kemble classical to
the echo : Mrs. Siddons, the greatest creature of them all ; and
entertained an opinion, that a century might occur before such
another actress appeared on the boards of any theatre. Little
Kean, too, a none-such — all fire and intellect ; quite in earnest
with every character he represented ; and thought it was a great
loss to the drama that he had made his exit from the stage so
prematurely in life ! The comedy of Elliston he pronounced de-
lightful— nay more, perfection !

" Talk of making love," observed Peter, in extasy, " there
was not an actress on the stage, during his day, ever engaged
with him in comedy, so earnest were his professions of attach-
ment to her, that I have heard it asserted, she actually fancied
him her lover in reality !

" But, alas \" said he, " they have had their day and gone !
I may be wrong — but no matter — yet I have often regretted that
a sort of immortality could not be spread over actors of such
splendid talents, which might enable us ' old ones ' to communicate
their beauties for the amusement, if not for the instruction of the
rising generation."

Peter was a kind master, and frank and free to all those per-
sons about him. He was a great enemy to all pretenders ; and
he never assumed a knowledge that did not belong to his cha-
racter. The only thing that Makemoney ever boasted of, was,
that he considered himself one of the luckiest fellows in exist-
ence. He had had nothing else but good luck throughout his
life — every thing was prosperous that he undertook — and he did
not consider himself unlucky because he had remained a bache-
lor ; and when asked the reason he had never changed his situa-
tion, he laughingly replied, that his time had been always too
much occupied for him to devote any of it to love ; yet, never-
theless, he professed great admiration for the sex, — " but," said
he, " I am now too old to make a fool of myself — and I have
made up my mind that I will not become the laughing-stock of
my friends, by entering into any indiscreet, or foolish marriage."

.10 Tilt PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER III.

advantages attached to property ; or, win gold and wear
it! JI!AKEMONEY'S spontaneous notions of a Pilgrimage
on the BANKS OF THE THAMES — " Home, siveet Home,"
against any other Air in the history of music ; contrasted
with Switzerland, Italy, the Rhine, fyc. The Pilgrims
— MAKEMONEY, FRANK FLOURISH, and JAMES SPRIGHTLY
(otherwise " Young Never/ret ! " ) in search of the
NATIONAL.

Three Pilgrims, blithe and jolly,
Sworn foes to melancholy,
Went out strange things to see !

PETER'S liberal advice to his Nephew, full of pith, and no-
thing else but orthodox. An outline of " Young Neverfret,"
scarcely out of his leading strings ,• and a Sketch of
FLOURISH ; quite a character ! MAKEMONEY'S admonition
to his brother Pilgrims, previous to their starting — * a
stitch in time saves nine' — FLOURISH'S opinion against
duelling — a safe card — prevention better than cure — A
few words in praise of Greenwich Hospital, truly NA-
TIONAL !

PETER MAKEMONEY was a jolly Momus-looking sort of fellow,
about five feet four inches in height — a kind of low comedy sort
of person — a facetious, smiling1 countenance, and decently dressed
old man — who might have played a fatherly part, without repre-
hension, as to look, in one of Beaumont and Fletcher's comedies
— yet not one of the flinty-hearted sort of personages generally
found in those dramas, but more applicable to the fine feelings
of an " Old Dornton," in the Road to Ruin.

His apparel was of the very first quality, as to goodness — the
best cloth always selected ; and no grumbling as to the price of
the suit of clothes — a first-rate workman employed to make
them, and who well knew the outline of the human figure ; but,
nevertheless, it had been said, that, let Makemoney be dressed
after any style of fashion, new or old, he never lost sight of the
man in trade. All the united taste of the tailors in London
could not have changed his appearance : there was a certain sort
of rotundity about his person which defied the term " gentility ;"
although it had never been disputed that it did not come under
the denomination of " respectable." But he never quarrelled
with his looks : —

O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 11

DRESS was not at all Makemoney's hobby ; and, for the ac-
commodation of himself, he would not have had a looking-glass
throughout his dwelling, so little did he value the decorative
powers to set off a man : yet he was not an enemy to dress,
and decided cleanliness and an air of respectability were the
leading features seen in his establishment. True, there was no-
thing of the Adonis character about him ; but he was a weighty
man in his person as well as his purse, and more inclined to grow
fat since he had retired from business : he, therefore, felt deter-
mined, for the few years Providence might lengthen his existence,
to be comfortable and happy, and to spend his time, either in or out
of doors, in the most pleasant manner that he or any of his friends
could suggest. He also felt emphatically the adage, " That the
right end of life is to live and be jolly ! " " To be sure it is,"
said Peter, " and when you have plenty of money in your pocket,
good health, and a disposition to be happy in yourself, there can-
not be much reason to call yourself to account how you have
spent your time ! "

Makemoney started to be pleased — his mind was made up for
pleasure — and to walk or ride, were questions of no importance
for his consideration. Time was of no object to him — a week,
a month, or a quarter of a year — so that the period was occupied
happily, and the journey answered the intended purpose : neither
did he make any tiresome preparations for his travels.

An umbrella was his principal attendant, and a box of first-
rate cigars his most pleasant companion, to /ill up those hours
dedicated to recreation and comfort. Like the inimitable STERNE,
his luggage was extremely light — cleanliness was his object —
but dress — studied dress — that is to say, an attention to fashion-
able apparel, was quite out of his calculation: two or three
shirts put into his carpet-bag, accompanied by a Guide to the
River, and a small note-book, to " book" as he termed it, any
little touches of eccentric characters that might cross his path
during his pilgrimage on the BANKS of the THAMES, which irrght
refresh his memory when he returned home, were all he took with
him ; any thing more, he said, would be superfluous.

One nig-ht, during the enjoyment of his p:pe, Makemoney ob-
served to his nephew, that he had made up his mind to have a
little jaunt — " some persons/' sa:d he, " might be inclined to call
it a Tour — but, at all events, it could not come under the denomi-
nation of travels — FOREIGN PARTS being entirely out of the
question : however, one point I have settled, and that is, my boy
Jem, you shall be my companion.

" But I do not intend to sally forth, like the renowned Don
Quixotte, to attack windmills ; neither should 1 wish you, in your
capacity as my squire, to display all the singularity and whim
of a Sancho Pansa — because neither of us, possessing the fun
and wit of a CERVANTES, should circumstances come in our way
worthy of recital, we could not communicate them with the fire,

12 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

spirit, and talents of that justly celebrated author. Therefore,
we do not set forth to make a book. But you now know my out-
line, and you will act accordingly. Wolves and tygers we shall
not meet with in the shape of beasts, whatever we may do in
the characters of men ; neither shall we have any thing like
Mount Vesuvius to frighten us, or to retard our pursuit. No, no
— our tour will be quite a safe and pleasant thing ! We always
shall be in sight of land, although we shall not complain of the
want of water : for instance, if the wind blows too strong or cold
for us on one day, or the rain comes down in torrents on the next,
we can return home on the same night, if our inclinations prompt
us so to do ; and having said so much, I will now name the place
— OLD FATHER THAMES."

" Delightful ! " replied his nephew. " How often have I
listened with the most inexpressible pleasure to hear your old
friend, Mr. Folio (the compiler), deliver himself in nearly the
following words, in praise of his own country : — ' Switzerland/ said
he, ' I am ready to admit, may be quoted for its romantic hills,
again and again ; ITALY, for its beautiful, serene sky, repeatedly
with delight ; the RHINE, also, for its splendid scenery, with all
the enthusiasm connected with poetic feelings ; and NAPLES for
its carnivals, gondolas, music, &c., while pleasure holds her seat
in the memory. In truth, there are few, if any countries, but
what possess some eminent situations, regarding prospects and in-
teresting circumstances, to recommend them to the notice of the
traveller ; nay, more, positively to extort from him the highest
panegyric on their extent and grandeur : but, in turn, may it not
be urg-ed, that we have in our own country subjects of the most
fascinating description to call our attention, and also worthy of
our enquiry ; for instance, the BANKS of the THAMES — equal, in
point of excellence and greatness, to any known spot in the
world, leaving its rich prospects and variegated scenery entirely
out of the question. True — if the BANKS of the THAMES do not
possess fabulous LEGENDS, to give them a peculiar sort of interest
with the lovers of rofnance ; nevertheless, their emphatic situa-
tion and decided character, in the eyes of Europe, add an im-
portance to them that no other possess in the scale of nations at
the present moment — whether viewed in point of naval architec-
ture, extensive and unrivalled commerce, ships from all coun-
tries,— also crowded with steam arid pleasure-boats — the whole
forming such a magnificent picture, which stamps the English
nation the pride and envy of the world without competition."

" Aye, my friend Folio was a great enthusiast in favour of his
country, I must allow/' replied Makemoney, — " but, neverthe-
less, I will second every word that he has asserted to be the
truth — the BANKS OF THE THAMES are unequalled ! and only
think of the beauties he has described with so much effect
attached to their situation ; besides the advantages of their being
so contiguous to London, Yes;yes, — be it remembered when you

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 13

lose sight of Dover ; or climbing- the hills in foreign parts ; be-
sides, being- in a country, perhaps, where you do not know a
sing-le sentence to make yourself intellig-ible — laug-hed at for
your ig-norance — and reduced to the misery of standing an hour
or two dripping- wet — being- frozen as cold as a statue — and not
able to comfort yourself with a change of clothes — or a good
fire-side to forget your troubles.

" Then, my dear boy, when home, dear native home, is within
our grasp — almost, as you may say, to keep St. Paul's in your
eye as a land-mark — and that fine, substantial structure, — yet a fig
for its architecture, or its regularity of design — whether it be-
longs to the Doric, Ionic, Gothic, Corinthian, or Composite, it
matters not to me, (without any offence I hope to Sir John
Soane,) but when, I repeat, I can behold my hobby — and a prime
hobby it is — the Bank of England — I apprehend no danger from
my jaunt, or tour. Such being the case, my dear Jem, we can
start at an hour's notice, unincumbered with any thing like the
formality of luggage — our minds free and spirits good — and our
pockets full, to enjoy the various scenes which present them-
selves to our observation, when we commence our Pilgrimage."

It may, perhaps, be necessary to introduce to the notice of the
reader, before we proceed any further, Mr. James Sprightly, but
amongst his companions designated as young " A evcrfret /" or
rather, if things, or men, could always be called by their proper
names — Spendmoney would have been the most correct title, for
the beloved nephew of the old Alderman.

JEM, (for such his uncle familiarly called him,) was about
twenty-thiee years of age, and in look, what the fair sex might
have termed rather handsome ; to be well dressed at all times,
was a peculiar feature with his notions of taste ; studiously
polite, under the idea that civility is always amiable, and costs
nothing. Gentlemanly in his behavour, which not only renders a
man pleasing and acceptable to all his friends and acquaintances,
but a good passport to society in general ; he was likewise
viewed as a young man of spirit., which conveys that nothing
mean, low, or contemptible ought to be connected with the com-
position of such a being ; but polished with those delightful re-
quisites— feeling, generosity, and honour. All these qualifi-
cations, we must aver, he possessed in a greater or less degree.

Sprightly was a great favourite with his uncle ; nay, propriety
would not quarrel with the appellation in calling PETER MAKE-
MONEY his father. JEM was the only son of an affectionate
sister, a widow, who had been left in rather narrow circumstances,
and previous to her death, her brother Peter had made a solemn
promise to her, that he should not want for the care of a father
in his progress to manhood ; and he kept his promise with the
strictest sense of honour : nay, more, the uncle had evinced that
degree of attention towards him — shewed so much real interest
and anxietv for his future welfare — that very few fathers could

14 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

boast of displaying- such laudable conduct with truth and sin-
cerity, which young Jem had experienced under the rearing of
his uncle MAKEMONEY.

He had been well taught ; his education not superlative, but
liberal ; to which might be added, that his uncle had left no
stone unturned to put him on his guard ; and likewise to convey
to his ear some invaluable instructions respecting the ways of the
world.

" I am anxious/' said he to his nephew, " to point out to the
' young adventurer ' upon his entrance into life, the immense ad-
vantages resulting from experience, and the conversation and
advice from persons in years, who have trod the thorny paths of
the world ;Mhat is, to look before he leaps, and deliberate before
he resolves ; and also to make the best use of his wealth, if the
smiles of Fortune have placed him on an eminence above other
persons — and to be humane, charitable, and considerate towards
his fellow creatures ; likewise, I feel interested that he should
avoid meanness and servility of disposition ; but above all, not to
think too much of himself — something after the manner that I am
myself — ALONE ; but to admit the possibility that there are other
persons in existence as well-informed as himself; perhaps, some-
what wiser, and better read in the intricate ways of the world.
Also, that the * young adventurer ' should, upon all occasions, be
JUST before he is generous ; and to endeavour by fair and honour-
able means to increase his property. To resist CANT in all its spe-
cious shapes — to reject HUMBUG — expose DECEIT — despise ful-
some and uncalled-for FLATTERY — and to be GENTLEMANLY in
every point of view. l KNOWLEDGE is power ;' as such it is
described by one of our greatest law-givers — my Lord BACON —
and that immense power is only to be obtained by a clear, cool,
and dispassionate view of society. Outside appearances must ever
go for little in the account of human nature with men of sense.
The world is still deceived by ornament, it is too true, but never-
theless, my wishes are, that the mind of the ' young adventurer'
should act as a JURY, to hear both sides of the question, and not
to condemn unheard ; but to look after the substance, and to
avoid being imposed upon by the shadow !"

In return, JEM proved that he was tractable, kind, and atten-
tive to his uncle during his boyhood, and received those instruc-
tions with the right sort of impression on his mind ; — namely,
that they were intended for his good, and future respectability in
life. In truth, the conduct displayed on every occasion by his
uncle, might be called orthodox, that is to infer, he had endea-
voured, to the utmost extent of his power, to " train up a child in
the way he should go, that when he is old, he will not depart
therefrom."

JAMES SPRIGHTLY, as the term goes, was viewed as a good
young man, and highly respected by every family to whom he
had had the honour of an introduction. He was not a " harem-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 15

searem " sort of fellow who would dash at every thing-, regard-
less of the consequences ; nor too precise and demure, to make
objections where none existed. He was acquainted with several
young men like himself, and with them he had visited several
places in London openly, and well worthy of his study and ob-
servation ; and perhaps, others on the sly, that had much better
remain unknown ; but, neverthless, it should seem, that James
Sprightly, the darling nephew of his uncle, had come out of the
" dregs of iniquity " none the worse ; nay, better, much better,
for the visit. Yet, however, the experiment might be considered
dangerous.

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,

As to be hatedt needs but to be seen ;

Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,

We first endure, then pily, then embrace.

The contrast which he had witnessed between bad and gfood
society had so disgusted him, that, to use his own words, — ""One
pill was more than a dose." He had been out of his " leading-
strings " for a year or two, that is to say, he had become a MAN
according to law — at the precise period of twenty-one years of
age ; but as to " years of discretion "—an undefined sort of
term, and for which no Act of Parliament has yet been passed,
to settle that most important point in the lives of both the male
and female sex, we are compelled to leave that " knotty point/'
or rather postpone it, — to be settled by the conduct of Mr. James
Sprightly himself, at some future period of his existence.

Though not so well read in the ways of the world as his uncle,
yet he had paid some attention to men and manners ; and he had
been far from an idle observer in his walks through society. He
also well knew the value of circumspection and obedience. He
was, likewise, a tolerably good actor — his entrances and exits
were made to a nicety ; and he had measured the ways and
feelings of his uncle with all the accuracy of a superior tailor,
who prides himself of never having mis-fitted any of his cus-
tomers in the whole course of his business.

Thus far they had gone on well together ; — his uncle's word
was law, and the nephew had acted up to it, to the very spirit
and letter. Old Makemoney was too liberal in disposition to be
harsh, or to curb his nephew's feelings ; in fact, he had not wit-
nessed any line of conduct that had called forth from him any
thing* like remarks of severity. " Young men will be young
men/' said he, " and I do not expect to find old heads upon
young shoulders — neither do I wish to see it ! Any thing out of
its place I dislike. I am more inelined to be of Sir Oliver's opi-
nion in the School for Scandal, in speaking of Charles Surface,
i For my part, I hate to see prudence clinging to the green
suckers of youth ; tis like ivy round a sapling, and spoils the
growth of the tree.'

" For myself," observed Uncle Makemoney, " when 1 was

16 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

twenty years of age, my notions were rather confined and stupid,
but I could not perceive it then ; and not so liberal as I have since
wished them to have been. At thirty, my experience had then
taught me to view a variety of circumstances respecting- Men and
Manners in a totally different light ; at forty, and every suc-
ceeding year, I was inclined to laugh at my own ignorance — to
draw comparisons — ask myself a few questions — and endeavour
to become and act like a useful and rational member of society.

" My situation in business, and my character getting abroad as
a rich man, as a matter of course introduced me to numerous cha-
racters in every point of view : — the high born Peer — the Mem-
ber of Parliament — the Spendthrift — the Deep One — the poor,
but honest deserving character — the specious, hypocritical man ;
and the downright swindler, &c. ; and to say that I have not been
imposed upon, tricked, swindled, and almost cheated, with my
eyes open, by artifices that I could not suspect, and plans so well
laid, that I was not able to detect, until too late to remedy the
evil — therefore, I do not expect too much from young men ;
and if they will only listen to their elders in experience, half the
difficulties are overcome : at the same time I will not proclaim
myself a wiser man than society are inclined to give me credit
for — but admitting, at times, I was severely pinched by such de-
lusions, yet ultimately they proved of good effect to my under-
standing, and, like a ' burnt child that dreads the fire/ I was
never deceived a second time, however speciously the artifice
might have been dressed up, on the same sort of attack."

Such was the description which Peter Makemoney gave of
himself, not only for the future guidance of his nephew, but
when seated with several young men, who were anxious to be-
come acquainted with the mode he had adopted to raise himself in
the estimation of society — a desideratum, that all young persons
of enterprise and knowledge would feel desirous to hear, or, in other
words, to take a leaf out of the book of Mr. Peter Makemoney.

" Do not gamble" said his uncle, " nor get drunk — for they
are both the forerunners of every other crime ; the drunkard is a
beast-besotted, and does not know, at times, what follies he com-
mits ; — the Gamester is reckless, without a heart — and plans the
destruction of others with as much coolness and ice-like feelings,
as the most routine transaction in the world — therefore, a void both
these crimes, and my hopes and wishes will be confirmed, that
you will be able to make your way through life in the most
pleasant manner !"

" Excellent — capital ! my dear uncle," answered Jem, " I
never heard you make a speech in the whole course of my life,
half so intelligible ! Good advice — Banks of the Thames — Trips
by Steam Boats — Greenwich, Vauxhall, Richmond, Windsor, &c.
all by turns ! — Variety is charming ! That's the time of day !
Never fret ! Be alive ! A fig for expense ! — I am delighted be-
yond measure !"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 17

" Well, then, we will be off without delay ; and I have invited
Frank Flourish to make a third/' said his uncle ; " we cannot
be dull in his company !"

" I do not like to differ with you, sir, upon any subject —
but perhaps that invitation had been better let alone," replied
Jem, " he is such a mixture "

" True ; but nevertheless, he is the very fellow for us," said
his uncle, "you will find him better than any Map, Guide, or
Itinerary, however correct they may be ; .and excepting- his
foolish nonsense, and strange peculiarities, there are^nany worse
acquaintances than Frank Flourish to be met with in this
world. He will never be at a loss if a house or a knocker is
at hand — he accosted twenty persons in our journey to Hig-h-
gate, with all the familiarity of old acquaintances."

" I am satisfied, sir ; — your word is law to me. If he can
please you, I have not the slightest objection of his being- of the
party. My fears were only on account that some of his follies
might get us into a row ; or some unpleasant dilemma ;" answer-
ed the nephew.

" We will risque that ; surely two of us can manage him ;
however, we will lecture Flourish a little on the subject, pre-
vious to our starting ;" said Makemoney, " and I think we can
make him tractable."

The other Pilgrim, Frank Flourish, Esq., invited to make
the Tour with them on the BANKS OF THE THAMES, was, in the
present state of society, termed a Character ; at least, he had
endeavoured to make himself somebody in the eyes of the circles
he visited. Frank pretended to know everything, but the real
fact was — in the scale of talent — this good opinion, which he
had formed of himself, was very much questioned ; but, never-
theless, he had mixed a great deal with the different classes of
society ; and abating the above sort of conceit, he shewed him-
self at times, as a man of some nous.

But he was uneven — often upon stilts — and frequently, what he
had vehemently urged on the previous day, he would as strenu-
ously deny on the next. But thenhewasricA — very rich, and upon
that account, it was said he was endured ; indeed, it is too often
seen, that riches, nine times out of ten, obtain a preference in
society. Some of his acquaintances urged that he put on this
strangeness of disposition ; others, that he was not half such a
fool as he made himself ; indeed, various opinions had been ex-
pressed respecting his capability.

Yet he was a good-natured man, and not easily to be put out
of countenance. The assurance he possessed was enough to
defy brass itself. He was useful in this respect, to those per-
sons who might be in want of a leader ; or rather, a pioneer, to
clear the way for them. He would go any where ! — Ask all
manner of questions ! — and introduce himself to the greatest
stranger on the earth, without a blush, in the most familiar man-

D

18 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

ner. Frequently, he proved himself, to a certain extent, a com-
plete Marplot ; and had seemed to have modelled himself after
the celebrated Paul Pry'! This latter hero of bronze and im-
pertinence, he acknowledged for his prototype ; observing-, at
the same time, there was something1 very imposing- and for-
g-iving- about the words — " I beg- pardon ! I hope I don't in-
trude/' And Frank thoug-ht it utterly impossible that any per-
son could be so cruel as to find fault with him for acting- up to
the — polite !

However, his personal appearance did much for him ; althoug-h
he did ot possess the elegant figure, nor the fine face of a Can-
ning- ; neither the beau ideal of a handsome man, like the late
Sir Thomas Lawrence ; nevertheless, there was a certain
something about FLOURISH, which intimated to the spectator,
that he was above the rank of a plebeian in society ; arid mig-ht
be termed, without any offence to the phrase — " gentlemanly !"

Indeed, all the old and young- women pronounced him a " tine
man !" His taste for dress was also excellent : althoug-h, if a
jury of tailors were summoned to decide on that most important
feature at the West End of the town, we have no doubt but
Beau Brummel and the Baronet Sir Lumley Skeffing-ton, in
their zenith, would have had a decided majority in their favour,
as to the " cut, good taste, and prime fit " of their clothes.

But in his meridian, " the CITY," it is said, that FRANK
FLOURISH had it nearly all his own way ; indeed, there was
something of the band-box always about his appearance out of
doors — a new made pin could not have looked better. " The
CITY ! Psha !" observed one of the West End to Flourish, " do
not talk of the City, when fashion is the topic; or else, you will
rapidly get below freezing point in an instant, and be laughed
at as a complete Goth, or Vandal ! If you must make compa-
risons, and introduce * the City !' talk about its ' good,' and
not ' fashionable men ;' and then your argument will be ad-
mitted sterling, and have a backer in the ' good ' Rothschild \"

FLOURISH was about five-feet, ten inches in height; arid
although he was a remarkably well made man, we do not in-
tend to urg^e that he might have been selected as a model in
" the Life!" at the Royal Academy. At all events, his ap-
pearance was prepossessing : his address was easy and confident,
and he entered a room amidst the most scrutinizing looks of the
company, with as much ease as an old actor walks over the
boards of a theatre — in truth, he was that sort of personage
which the female sex give the preference to, and admire as a
" well-bred man \"

But if Flourish had any forte belonging to him, it was to find
fault with almost every thing,indeed he wished to appear rather
fastidious : this was the weakest part of his behaviour — he
thought it gave him the character in the eyes of his friends and
the world, as a man of superior judgment. He found fault with

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 10

his Papa and Mamma, as he said, for not having- given him
greater abilities — " they ought to have done so — I have
found fault with myself ; and as I possess that liberality of dis-
position, surely I have a right to object to the behaviour of other
persons — more especially, as I only do it in a ' critical' way, to
expose ignorance, and shew wisdom." Such was the outline
of the third Pilgrim, who was on the eve of starting- on a Pil-
grimag-e to improve the minds of his Majesty's liege subjects ;
or, that travellers see strang-e things !

" Psha \" said Makemoney, " do not profane the word ' criti-
cal !' also leave ig-norance and wisdom out of the question, and
attend to me. Take my advice before you start : I wish you to
be more careful in your remarks to strangers — and do not pre-
sume too much upon your riches — and then we shall stand not
only a good chance of keeping out of mischief, but return home
in whole skins."

It had been whispered about by some of Flourish's acquaint-
ance, that for his impertinence he had been in danger several
times of being kicked — horsewhipped— and other degrading cir-
cumstances— but, as no proof had appeared, and it was only
hearsay evidence, such reports went for nothing in the estima-
tion of Uncle Makemoney, or his nephew.

" Danger ! a whole skin ! never mind, my dear Sir," answered
Flourish, with a self-approving smile on his countenance, " you
will not meet with the shadow of danger in my company ; I
have made up my mind never to fight a duel ; although I have
not registered an oath in Heaven on the subject ; no, no, let
fools fight duels — wise men know better. If ignorant people
will take offence, when no offence is meant — it only shews a
want of judgment— and then, I say, if they are obstinate, there
is the law for them. 1 am for the LAW — there is time to cool
upon any question at issue — and you can punish your opponent,
if not convince him, by deputy. Besides, Sir John Falstaff s opi-
nion has quite decided me upon such matters ; when he asserts,
that ' honour cannot restore a leg — and discretion is the better
part of valour ! ' The law of the land is also against duelling !
and have I not another good authority in Old Hudibras — although
the words may have been disputed as the text of the author, yet
I w,ill take them for granted, and not question their import :

The cock that fights and runs away,
May live lo fight another day !
But he that is in battle slain,
Will never rise to fight again.

Therefore, rest assured, my dear Makemoney, that I detest the
sight of a bullet ; and the smell of gunpowder, of all others, is
the most obnoxious to my olfactory nerves — nay, quite shocking !
— and I will not waste another word about it. But I never can
become a murderer, to take away a man's life, because he differs
in opinion with me, is most certain. Call me coward, puppy,
shubbcroon, or what you may, I will never deviate from the plan
1 have adopted — 1 will endeavour to keep the line, as you seem

20 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

so very particular — but we must have a little fun, quiz, and all
that sort of thing-, though we are Pilgrims in disguise. You used
not to be so tenacious, sir ; you would not make Puritans of us,
I am sure."

" Never fret, but keep your temper, my dear uncle," said his
nephew ; therefore, let us be alive — get ready — pack up — be
off' — sail down the Thames— look out — be merry and wise —
Time is on the wing — a few hours will change the scene ! No
chest of drawers wanting, Frank — no toilette — Nature un-
adorned— carpet-bag will do — clean face — a cigar or two in the
box — put on a sailor's jacket, if you like — no nonsense — be at
the scratch to a second — remember, to-morrow ! Breakfast at
eight — afloat by ten — a whiif or two before we part to-night —
grog stiff — to bed soon — be stirring with the lark, my good
fellow ! then all will be right — and that is what I call the time
of day — doing the trick, when travellers are on the move. But
never fret." The above sentences were all given with the ra-
pidity of a Goldfinch, describing the races at Newmarket.

" I shall be in time," replied Flourish, " but I should like to
hear the outline of our first day's trip, before we start."

" Why, my dear Frank," replied Makemoney, " the first
shrine that we shall pay our devoirs to will be Greenwich
Hospital ; the very sound of which fills my heart with love of
country. Well may foreigners observe, that our Hospitals are
palaces — the compliment is a just one, but not a jot more than
it deserves. You will see nothing like Greenwich Hospital I
believe upon the Rhine, or any where else, except close to Old
Father Thames : but, much as I may admire it as a splendid
piece of architecture, its manly contents I love one hundred
times better ; and if you will allow me to repeat some original
lines from a manuscript in my possession, I think you will have
a correct description of it : —

See that beautiful edifice —
NATIONAL to the very echo! — Where
Lion-hearts and lamb-like feelings are laid up
In ordinary? 'Tis Humanity's figure
Head ! The receptacle of true courage and
Honor ! The pride of Englishmen, and the boast
Of Great Britain ! Where tinrber-toes shew love of
Country ! And the loss of an arm displays more
Importance in the eye of the public than
The exterior of a Peerage. Here may
Be seen Jack Junk, of the Thunder Man-of-War,
Relating his battles to Bill Mainstay over
A glass of grog — and the latter exclaiming,
* Aye, my ould tar, come the three quarters of the
World in arms, England never did, and never
Shall lie at the proud foot of a conqueror.
Give us your flipper, shipmate, and while there is
A plank left in the vessel, we'll stick to her,
And cry, — Old England, for ever ! Huzza! huzza! huzza!

" Is not that NATIONAL ? " exclaimed Makemoney ; " but in
such matters I must confess myself an enthusiast."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 21

" Something1 very like it," replied Flourish, " and strictly in
unison with my feeling's — the brave defenders of their country
merit every return that can be granted for their services/'

" Then, for the Park and its amusements ; also a peep at the
Fair, and all the et cetera that attends upon a day's adventures.
Nothing- shall come amiss to us ; and, as jolly Pilgrims, we will
mix with the holyday folks like one of the party. I love to see
the girls merry, and the boys happy — who appear like birds out
of a cage; and thinking1, as it were, every minute an hour from box-
ing-day to Easter-Monday until the lively period arrives ! I was
once young myself, and I cannot forget the days of my boyhood."

" Glorious feelings, sir," observed Jem, " but never fret ! —
Young ! you are young ! you will always be young, if you can
but think so ; you are as young as ever ! Only get on — push
along — sport a toe — quick step—please and be pleased, and
leave old age to those who can't help themselves. Let us be off
like shots — hit the mark— shoot flying— bring down your birds
—and that's the time of day !

" Besides," answered his uncle, " I love to see the old pen-
sioners enjoying themselves : the sight of those veterans, the
remnant of their country's greatness, gives my mind a secret plea-
sure that 1 cannot communicate. It also puts me in mind of old
times. Well, after all, there is nothing like the old times — least
wise, the old ones think so, and that is all the same to us. Then
to-morrow morning, my boys, we'll start by one of the steamers
— enjoy the breezes from Old Father Thames — land at the Hos-
pital stairs — mix with the gay and lively throng — and then
make ourselves as merry and comfortable as the best amongst
them ! Now, you have my outline on the subject."

" An outline, sir," replied Flourish, in extacy, " it is & finished
picture ! • I am in raptures — I shan't sleep a wink for thinking
upon it ; the mere anticipation of the pleasure and fun that we
shall meet with, delights me beyond measure."

" My dear, good uncle," said Jem, " may you live a thousand
years !— may you never die !— so look out, Flourish — the Tower
—steam-boats— holyday folks— pretty lasses— prime boys—-
bands of mtisic — dancing — singing — mirth and good humour,
and all that sort of thing, to make our existence a treat ! Sleep,
did you say, Flourish ! — I want no sleep — I am wide awake for
a start — delays are dangerous ! "

" Not quite so fast, 'young man," observed Makemoney, " all
in good time ; therefore, we'll take a glass of grog together
before we separate." They were all on the qui vive — full of
anticipation. Several funny and amusing anecdotes were told
over the glass ; and Makemoney, who was on his mettle, every
now and then burst forth singing, " O ! the days when
I were young ! " Cigar after cigar was disposed of in quick
time— the supper o'er— all's well — merry and wise — and
" good night ! "

'22 THI<: PILGRIMS OF THK T HAM KB

CHAPTER IV.

The pleasures of anticipation — the Pilgrims preparing to
start — Who's for Greenwich ? Holiday Folks ! Smiling
faces ; Children six feet high ; Pleasure the order of the
day ! The Tower recognized as an old land-mark, and
the Custom House praised for its magnificence. — Lots of
Characters on board of the Steamer ! Off she goes — Tin-
eloquent dealer in Literature — (quid pro quo) — the
luxury of a Newspaper — Introduction of TIM BRONZE,
without being introduced ; a living Vampire and Victim
hunter — Description of the necessary CUTS in Society —
Secrets worth knoiving to a Young Man on his entrance
into life ! The soi-disant Duchess and her two daughters
— Generals in petticoats enlisting recruits! PICTURESQUE
DOLEFUL, a tally undertaker, one of the woeful disciples
of LAVATER ; but a useful personage to ensure a decent
finish to the last exit ! SCAPEGRACE, a dark and terrific
portrait of human nature ; or, a man may smile and be a
villain. OLD FATHER THAMES in all his glory — MAKE-
MONEY in extacy — a bit of the NATIONAL ! A sound re-
ply to an Alarmist of the Olden Times !

THE pleasures of anticipation had fastened so strongly upon
all their feeling's, that the Pilgrims, on retiring- to rest, had
rather dozed, than slept during- the night ; and who, in conse-
quence, left their beds at a much earlier hour than usual, —
the time appearing to hang heavily upon their hands, until the
signal was given for starting — so eager were they to commence
their Pilgrimage.

The mind of Makemoney now being as free as air, the cares of
business completely at an end — and nothing to claim his atten-
tion, but pleasure and happiness — he was almost as much a boy,
regarding the object in view, as his junior companions ; he was
equally as good in health, and young in spirits — indeed,
his constitution was so unimpaired by irregularity of conduct—-
that if he did come under the denomination of rather a " mid-
dle-aged " looking gentleman, he was in possession of more
agility and strength than most of the young men of his acquaint-
ance ; and he might quote from Adam, in " As You Like It,"
with the utmost propriety and truth.

Tho' I look old, yet I am strong and lusty,

For in my youth I never did apply

Hot and rebellious liquors in my blood :

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 23

Nor did I with unbashful forehead woo
The means of weakness and debility ;
Therefore my age is as a lusty winter —
Frosty, but kindly : let me go wi h you,
I'll do the service of a younger man
In all your business and necessities.

The Pilgrims met tog-ether at breakfast in high spirits. " Now,
my boys,— brother Pilgrims," said Makemoney, "the time is
arrived, and the game is in view, as the anxious sportsman says,
when the hunter's horn invites him to the chase ; therefore, let
us understand each other — to be free, jovial, and all that sort of
thing- ; but at the same time, let our conduct be such, that we
may not have to reflect upon it with regret !"

" Reflect ! regret! perish such phrases," replied Flourish in a
high tone of extacy, " and substitute in their stead, pleasure ! I
am sure we shall have to remember our Pilgrimag-e with ex-
tacy—it will form a delig-htful epoch in our lives. We shall
enjoy the picturesque — g-et more acquainted with the National
— obtain a better insig-ht into character — and meet with lots of
adventures. We do not mean to g-o hand over head ; but to
enjoy every circumstance that crosses our path, with interest and
g-ood humour.

" Never fret, my dear uncle," observed Jem, " we are the
proper sort of folks to do what is right to each other ; I am
quite aware what you mean— that is, to stear clear of what is
vulg-arly termed, ' larking ;' but do not let us mar our trip
with any thing- like^cold, icy sort of feeling's— rig-id propriety—-
caution— fear— to be as demure as an old nurse at a christening-,
and to be afraid to look and act for ourselves. No, let us enter
into the scene with all the spirit it deserves :—

We are the boys,

That fear no noise —

Where thundering cannons rattle.

" Well, let it be so," replied Makemoney, full of jollity—
" I merely threw out a hint ; and I shall not sermonise, as you
call it, any more on the subject."

The clock had struck eleven, when the Pilgrims sallied forth
for the scene of action ; but they were full early at the Wharf,
acting- upon the excellent maxims of Makemoney, always to
have a quarter of an hour to spare, rather than be five minutes
too late — by which means they had some time to make a few re-
marks, and look about them, before the last bell gave warning
that the steamer was ready to start.

" This bustling scene is delig-htfully interesting- to me," said
Makemoney, as the holyday folks, young- and old, were pushing-
along- towards the steamer ; " pleasure seems to sit upon every
brow, and shews the necessity and great advantages derived
from relaxation— not only upon the minds and habits of the
persons employed in business, but in a political point of view.

24 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Relaxation, properly directed, tends towards the preservation
of good order and obedience to the laws — produces content-
ment, and adds stamina and security to the Government. I like
to see the middling- classes of society enjoy themselves without
restraint ; and if some of them do appear for a short time as
wild as birds out of a cage, they, nevertheless, in general, re-
turn to their duty with pleasure and alacrity. I shall always
support those good old customs. See the apprentice boy, more
happy than the prince — in fact, the higher walks of life can-
not possess such real feelings of enjoyment — the journeyman,
equally alive to a day's pleasure, and independent in mind and
conduct as the first peer in the realm — and the shopkeeper,
relaxing from the fatigues of business, quits his counter
with all the importance and feeling of a man in the first station
in the country. The votary of pleasure, too, in order to occupy
a few leisure hours to pick up something new, may be seen,
incog., viewing the habits and manners of the middling and
lower classes of society ; — the caricaturist, who is on the alert
to sketch new characters after nature ; and the pretty lasses,
full of love and anticipation to enjoy a day's pleasure with their
sweethearts. The name of Greenwich — its hill, and unrivalled
park, which nothing can excel — is the great focus of attraction."

" That's the time of day, uncle," replied Jem, " they are not
only excellent remarks, but full of liberality, and permit me to
second them : it is also a convincing proof to me the advantages
to the mind of mixing with the different grades of society."

Flourish had scarcely put his foot on board, before he ob-
served, " Aye, there is my old acquaintance, the Tower, but not
altered a brick in appearance since I was a youngster. The
Tower is always a sort of land-mark to me on my exit or en-
trance into London ; but that is a splendid building, I must con-
fess," looking through his eye-glass at the Custom-House ; " but
a friend of mine, a very accurate creature to a dot, tells me it is
not half so big, nor any thing like such an elegant ssructure as
the Customs on the banks of the Liffey ! That is strange, too,
I think "

" Don't think about it, Frank/' replied Makemoney, rather
sharply, " Make no more foolish remarks ! What is the use of
large premises, elegant, perhaps in point of architecture ; but as
to importance in the eyes of the merchant, mere empty shew, if
there is no business to support them. But "

Here the argument was cut short, owing to the bustle of the
scene, and also by the volubility of a man in the character of a
newsman, with a handfull of morning newspapers, who thus ad-
dressed Makemoney : " Don't you want a newspaper, Sir ! I can
suit every body ! I am like the Public Ledger, open to all par-
ties, and influenced by none ; and I am decidedly in favour of the
Liberty of the Press. Here is the cream of all the talent in the
Metropolis for you — the advantages of information — and the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 25

power of knowledge. News from the four quarters of the world :
— Let me say to you, Ladies and Gentlemen, that reading- a
newspaper early in the morning-, is like unto a gun charged in
the hands of a sportsman, who is prepared to make a hit, and
bring down his bird : which, on the other hand, may be com-
pared to the reader, who goes forth and scatters the contents of
his knowledge for the benefit of numerous companies. The mind
must be fed as well as the body ; therefore, to those persons
that require literary food, I present myself as their caterer.
All persons, you know, sir, must live in this world ; and they
must work, too, according to that New Poor Law Act ! But
no matter — it is of no use to grumble, I suppose; yet I hope
there is room for us all. So, my worthy masters, here they are,
pick and choose, — from the Great Giant down to the Tap-tub !
all piping hot from the machines — containing important debates in
both Houses of Parliament — foreign news — crim. con. intelli-
gence, theatricals, police, murder, rapes, &c. Do buy one, sir —
you cannot lay out your money better ! A newspaper is one of
the most amusing things in the world — positively a luxury un-
der any circumstance ; but on board of a steamer, you are at the
end of your journey before you can say Jack Robinson."

" The Giant and the .Tap-tub ! " echoed Makemoney, smiling
— " they are curious designations, arn't they, Mr. Newsman ? "

" They are nick-names, I admit, sir/' replied the newsman ;
" but there are giants as well as pigmies in literature. It is a
sort of cant which runs through society • but, nevertheless,
such designations sometimes apply with more effect, and give a
better character to a man or a book, than words of a more com-
monplace description. But for my own reading, sir, I am for
quality instead of quantity ; but taste is every thing ; and some
writers have the power of communicating in a few lines what
others cannot effect in three columns : therefore, sir, I am for
brevity."

" You are a critic/' said Makemoney.

" Not in the slightest degree, sir," observed the vender of
newspapers. " I run here — I go there — I pick up what I can —
I hear sensible men argufy the topic on most subjects of the
day, and I lose nothing. I have no pretensions to be a critic,
but I am an observer — a plain matter-of-fact man — nothing
more — and only read as I run — and I am always on the trot ;
therefore, I have no time to digest any of the articles : indeed,
I may say, I swallow them by wholesale, and retail them to my
customers afterwards."

" You are an amusing fellow, at all events," replied Make-
money, " and if any man can sell a newspaper, I should think
you are the person to procure customers."

" You flatter me, sir," said the newsman, " but what little I
know is owing, in a great measure, to the rapid strides of the
march of intellect ; a kind of railway-road of communication to

26 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

our peri crani urns. Our eyes are clearer than heretofore, our ears
are 100 per cent, of more advantage to us, and listen with more
interest ; and our minds, sir, are divested of prejudice — we are
more liberal in our decisions — such are the advantages and bless-
ing's of a free press! What shall I do for you ? — here is the Giant,
sir, or "

" The Giant, as you call it, "replied Makemoney, " is a great
creature, I must admit, for talent and early information ; but
since I have been man and boy for the last forty years, it has
made as many leaps, backwards and forwards, as Harlequin,
and quite as many changes, and become as party-coloured as his
jacket — it blows hot and cold with the same mouth — and vacil-
lating, to answer particular purposes, to the end of the chapter
— it can turn, turn, and turn again, and yet be a newspaper !
No — I must have a more stable commodity for my money, Mr.
Newsman."

" All rig-lit, I dare say, sir, as I perceive you look before you
leap/' answered the seller of newspapers ; " and very proper, 1
make no doubt. But, nevertheless, I like to tell my customers
what they are going1 to get for their money. 1 have, sir, a
character to lose : — My name is Jack, the publisher, but
more familiarly known and called ' the walking index ; or
steam boat fcmpanion ;' but 1 am scarcely allowed to get forty
winks during the night, and a peep-o'-day boy into the bargain.
However, 1 do not wish to appear here, sir, like a counsellor
without his brief — therefore, I skims over the contents of each
newspaper before I brings them put of the office ; by which
means, as the actors say, I am up in the part ; and I then know
what 1 have in store for my worthy patrons — the Whigs, the
Tories, Conservatives, the Radicals, Independents, &c. I have no
doubt, sir, but amongst your acquaintances, you are a very great
quidnunc — I hope without offence ; but as that is neither here
nor there, only let me recommend to your notice the Tap-tub ;
I beg your honor's pardon, I should have said the Morning
Advertiser. But it is a nick-name given to that paper by the
vulgar part of society ; because it is supported by the publicans
of the Metropolis. It is, howrever, an excellent paper — greatly
improved ; and for my individual reading, I like it the best of any;
it has numerous paragraphs, and a tiny bit of every thing that
is going on in London, and you are not deluged with Parliamen-
tary news. Besides, it ought to have the support of every body."
" Why so 1" asked Makemoney, " does it display greater
talent than any other newspaper? — Are the articles better
written ?"

" Not that I am aware of, sir/' replied Jack, the publisher ;
" but I will leave the talents of the writers to speak for them-
selves. However, I am always anxious to promote its sale, for
the best of all reasons. Out of the profits of the Morning
Advertiser, a school has been established for many years, for the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 27

sons and daughters of indigent or deceased publicans, and up-
wards of a hundred and fifty boys and girls are entirely supported
— besides the best education that can be procured for them."

" This is a recommendation for the Morning- Advertiser, I
must confess," said Makemoney.

" It is a magnificent building in Kennington Lane ; arid it
would do your heart good, sir, to behold it — it is worthy the
name of a palace/' observed the newsman. " Besides this splen-
did work of charity, several alms-houses have been erected in
the Kent Road, for the reception of the aged, infirm, and dis-
tressed publicans and their widows — with a most liberal allowr-
ance for their comfort and support. Therefore, sir, to the
utmost of my abilities, I will promote the interest of a news-
paper which has for its stimulus — the protection of youth from
beggary, if not crime ; and ultimately sends them forth into the
world as good, and enlightened members of society. Too much
cannot be said for such a meritorious institution — and which
leaves all par £# -matters at an immeasurable distance."

" Bravo!'* exclaimed Makemoney, "you are a philanthropist
— give me the Morning Advertiser, and there is half-a-crown
for yourself. Good feelings at all times ought to be encouraged,
and I will never take a glass of wine at an inn, or a public-
house, but I will recommend to their notice a newspaper so
laudably established, and which exhibits so muchr humanity to-
wards the orphan and distressed child. But you ought to (have
been a member of parliament, instead of a newrsman ; for I am
sure, from the manner you have told your story, you would cut a
much better figure than many M. P's. I could mention. Ha !
ha ! You are eloquence personified."

" Thank you, sir, for the compliment/' replied the news-
man, " I wish you a pleasant trip — a fine day — and plenty of
fun/' He then touched his hat, and scampered off to another
part of the vessel, to sell the remainder of his papers.

Makemoney immediately retired to the most unfrequented
part of the steamer, to read, or rather devour the contents of the
newspaper — " Without which/' he said, " he always appeared
at fault, and in want of something the whole of the day." Our
uncle perfectly coincided with the chattering newsman, that a
well-conducted newspaper was one of the greatest luxuries to
the mind in the wThole field of literature ; the variety of topics
for argument it produced, immense ; and the transitions from
grave to gay, were pleasant in the extreme. No man, he urged,
wanted company when he had a newspaper with him. The
stocks, and list of bankrupts, were his first objects of perusal,
as a man of business — then the neiv publications, just like tin old
coachman likes to hear the smack of the whip, he had an eye
to what was going on in the trade — and lastly, the et cetera,
until the whole of the columns were disposed of ; in fact, he wras
a complete literary glutton in this respect.

28 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

During the time Makemoney was making* a meal of the Morn-
ing Advertiser, the two other Pilgrims, Frank and Jem, were on
the alert, viewing the crowd and entrance of the passengers on

beard of the steamer, tumbling in, as the old saying has it,

thick and three-fold. — " Here are lots of characters/' cocking
up his eye-glass, said Flourish, on the titter ;' '" and I must have
a touch at some of them during our short voyage to Greenwich.
I have got a page or two open for them in my pretty little note
book, for the amusement of my friends at some future period.
Hallo ! I must not be quite so fast ! The coast is not so clear as
I could wish. I perceive an old enemy of mine on board, and if
I do not ' sheer off/ a broadside will be the result/'

" Surely, you do not mean to assert that you are afraid of
a bailiff/' said Jem, " or a dun ?"

" A bailiff, or a dun ? Psha ! They are trifles, and may be set-
tled with, on knowing the amount of their demand ?" replied
Flourish ; " but the enemy I mean, if he does not upon the pre-
sent occasion assume the shape of a water pirate, he is well
known as a land shark, and bites at every thing within his reach."

" I cannot understand you," answered Jem ; " you are speak-
ing in parables."

" Well, then, I will soon enlighten your understanding,"
replied Flourish ; " you see that tall shabby-genteel looking
man, who has p-ot the Captain of the vessel in tow, and who
appears to be laughing heartily at his remarks ; his name is
TIMOTHY BRONZE, but familiarly called Tim, and I, unfortu-
nately, know him. He is a complete sturdy beggar: I never
knew any thing like him : he will not be shook off at any price.
I have tried to CUT him in all directions, but in vain : He is
well known in the fashionable circles by the title of ' CuT-and-
(7ome-again !' and I verily believe if you could cut Tim in half —
one part or the other would attack you — perhaps both !

" No doubt but you have heard of a celebrated broken-down
man of fortune, who was so reduced in a pecuniary point of
view — as to assume the character of ' Jeremy Diddler' off the
stage ; and who made it his boast that he had borrowed in single
shillings from his friends and acquaintances (otherwise victims),
to the tune of FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS !"

" I think I have heard my uncle" — said Jem — " speak of such
a character as you have just described."

" Be that as it may," replied Flourish, " I am sure BRONZE is
a greater warrior in point of levying contributions on his friends !
He first requests the loan of a few pounds — until he comes down
to coppers — he is worse than a horse-leech — he will bleed you
to death ; and if you do not relieve his wants — he will abuse you
in a sort of pathetic style, and so work upon your feelings that
it is almost impossible to resist his importunities. But Bronze
has lost every thing like the feelings of modesty — and, to get
rid of his company, you must purchase his absence.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 29

" He is a troublesome customer," answered Jem, " at all
events ; but are you acquainted with his origin ?"

" He commenced life with a decent property ; and his parents
were gentlefolks ; — but, from a wrong- bias, he not only disposed
of his patrimony in a few years, but he got twice the amount in
debt with his tradesmen ; and, for a long time, ' John Doe and
Richard Roe' were continually in pursuit of him. The King's
Bench — Fleet — Horsemonger Lane — arid Whitecross Street Pri-
sons, in succession, were his lodgings after he had lost house and
land ; but, nevertheless, when shut out from his extens ve range
of society, and confined to a small space within the gates of a
prison — even amongst the wretchedly distressed, needy, and
starving debtors he found out VICTIMS ; nay more, he had the
art, and possessed the soft tones of persuasion in so great a de-
gree, that, steeled as the minds of the persons who sold articles
of provision in the prison might be against credit, from the nu-
merous tricks that had been practised on their credulity — yet
Bronze with the utmost sang froid got into their debt — by
which he acquired a second title — " THE VICTIM HUNTER \"

" He must be a clever fellow," said Jem, " thus to impose
upon people ; Indeed, a person with such talents — it is almost
impossible to be on your guard against/5

" His stories are not only well told, but well timed ;" an-
swered Flourish, " and his anecdotes pointed and rich ; and his
knowledge of life and character, superlative. He makes him-
self a feature in every company ; and appears to be perfectly at
home, if seated by the side of a sweep, and not at a loss
when in the company of a senator ! It has been said of Bronze,
that he had the art of persuasion so much at his command, as
almost to seduce a bird from a tree. In company with him you
forget his rogueries — although he tells them about his friends
A. andB. — but so pleasantly, that he must be a stoic indeed who
does not join in the laugh. Excepting debts, Bronze never did
any thing to affect his personal liberty ; and it must be low-
water mark indeed with him amongst the " Sufferers" if he
appears in public badly dressed."

" Then that is the case with him now/' said Jem, " for all the
nap appears to have been brushed off both his hat and coat !"

" I have no doubt but he has victimized so many Sufferers,
that he has not a chance left amongst them : his memory, ex-
cepting what he owes, is of the most tenacious description : in-
deed, several of his victims have offered to make a bet, that if
it suited his purpose, and an object was to be gained by it — that
he would retail Sir Richard Phillips' MILLION OF FACTS, with-
out a halt !

" He likewise makes it a point with himself to read every
BOOK that is likely to give him the lead in conversation ; it is
impossible to compete with him — he is a cold, calculating fellow,
and I would almost swear, that his last thoughts at night, and

30 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

the first in the morning were — to get the whip-hand of every-
body ! I have been punished severely for my credulity !"

" To a weak mind," said Jem. " this Bronze must be a dan-
gerous acquaintance ; and, according to your statement, he swin-
dles you first, and then laughs at you afterwards."

" A sensible man, aye, and one of experience, he deceives with
the utmost dexterity," answered Flourish : "over his cup of
coffee he literally devours the contents of the Penny Magazine,
Chambers' Journal, &c. His manners are prepossessing, and he
is polite to the echo. The slightest acquaintance he attacks
first under the name of a loan ; and to those persons that he
has ' done brown,' as the term goes, he begs them to place it
to the benevolent and humane account, under the name of ' a
gift.' Besides, you are aware, sir, that ' Charity covereth a
multitude of sins."

" You cannot hide yourself," said Jem — " let him come. I
do not mind a shilling* or two, just to have a specimen of his
talents — how he carries on the war ! I perceive he has re-
cognized your person, as he is approaching towards us."

" You w.ll regret it," answered Flourish ; " he wants anew
victim, and you will suit his purpose."

BRONZE now addressed Flourish, in his pathetic style, by
saying, " Hard up, you see, sir ! (pointing to his clothes) Dress
bad ! — tailors thy ! — the world cruel ! — old friends have bad
memories ! — every thing is turned upside down — friendsh:p,
attachment, and respect, positively kicked out of doors ! — ge-
nerosity only known by name ! — hearts have changed their
sides, and feeling — did I use such an obsolete term ? — I beg
pardon — nothing else but sentiment remains for the unfor-
tunate ! "

" Ton my honor, Mr. Bronze," said Flourish, " if this state-
ment be true, " the world is turned upside down, indeed/'

" But what are my troubles to any other person ! " answered
Bronze, with a deep-fetched sigh. " There was a time, Mr.
Flourish, when I was in my prosperity ! Ah, that's gone
by ! but now I have that within (placing his hand on his
heart) which passeth show ! (Then whispering to Flourish,
but audible enough for young Sprightly to hear) I have not
broken my fast to-day ; and the steward has brushed by me so
often with tuch delicious-looking plates of ham and beef, new-
laid eggs, &c., which have made me so faint and ill, and also
rendered me desperate, that I have been almost tempted to
throw myself overboard ! But suicide ! You know suicide is
quite out of my taste, more especially a watery grave ! No,
no — I must not disgrace the character of my ancestors, but go
down to the family vault in a regular " hicjacet" manner. But
if 1 am wretched myself, to see my friend, Frank Flourish, Esq.,
look so well, is an unspeakable pleasure and happiness."

Notwithstanding the character given of Bronze by Flourish

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 31

to Jem, for insinuation and plausibility, and the caution also
not to be led away by his artifices, yet the latter was so touched
by his pathetic mode of delivery, his piteous-looking1 face, and
his mournful gestures, that almost unconsciously he slipped
half-a-crown into the hand of Bronze. The countenance of the
latter instantly changed to a smile ; — he made Jem a most pro-
found bow, observing', " I perceive, sir, you are a perfect gen-
tleman ; and that generosity and g-ood feelings are not altoge-
ther banished from society. Accept, likewise, sir, my best
thanks, nay, gratitude ; and I am now enabled to defy the taunts
of the steward, with his passings and re-passing's of plates of
ham, &c." — bowing- himself out of sig'ht.

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! — you really, Jem," said Flourish, " must ex-
cuse my laug-hing* so heartily at your expence — I was certain
such would be the fact. He has duped by his representations
of misery much more experienced persons than you can profess
to be. Bronze is an excellent actor : he is master of the pas-
sions, and can laugh or cry, just as the scene may require his
exertions. For this time, I must say that you have only paid for
your learning- ; but, depend upon it, he will make more attacks
upon your feeling's ; therefore, I once more advise you to be on
your g-uard."

" Never fret ! " replied Jem, " I did it with the best inten-
tions. His tale was so well told, that I confess I was off' my
guard ; but, nevertheless, I will not make any promises, as it
appears to me that a man like Bronze, who has studied the
weakness of human nature, may almost, with his capabilities,
talk you over to any thing- he may advance: however, I will
keep a g-ood look out, should he ' try it on ' with me in future):
that is as much as I can promise."

" Once more, my fiiend," answered Flourish, " let me give
you the benefit of my experience. Bronze has told you that the
world is turned upside down — I deny this position in toto — the
world is not chang-ed in the slightest degree — the dress and
fashion of the exterior of mankind may have undergone some
revolution — but the mind — the feeling's — and the general con-
duct of society — respecting- particular occurrences will always
remain the same. PROPERTY will ever claim respect and atten-
tion ; the idea of gain is paramount with most men — but broken
down men of fashion — ruined g-amesters — spendthrifts, and
thoughtless fellows, — an acquaintance with whom can produce
little else but loss of time as well as money — must expect to
meet with rebuffs — and the once-welcome door is shut against
them, as a natural, if not a sensible consequence — and they are
only recognized to be neglected !"

ft Such advice," replied Jem, " must be invaluable at all times
— therefore, proceed, and I shall listen to you with the most pro-
found attention."

" The world is not changed," said Flourish ; " thing's g-o on

32 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

as usual ; — St. Paul's stands on the same bit of ground ; and
Regent Street has not altered its course a jot ! It is the Man
that is changed ! Bronze is metamorphosed into the sturdy beg-
gar— the once-dashing swell on the town has now spent all his
money — and the out-door Pauper only remains. Squandering
and economy are features — like borrowing and lending — must
always be the same. He is compelled to live upon his own re-
sources— therefore, invention is all the capital he has to work
upon- — and new schemes must be resorted to daily to carry on the
war of contributions : borrowing is now become so familiar to
him — that he will not be refused — and he almost insists upon
the loan with the authority of a demand ; without you have
resolutely made up your mind to ' cut him off' on the instant ;
for if you parley with him only a second, it is ten to one but he
carries his point. His manners and conversation are so interest-
ing, that the cash is almost insensibly extracted from your pocket !
But you must positively learn the SWORD EXERCISE, which I
will teach you without the use of a sword — the CUTS of which
will prove far more severe than any blade of steel, made by the
first cutler in the Kingdom — then give ear to a short history of
the different CUTS — that whenever you are assailed by any per-
son like Bronze you may cut him in the following style, as cir-
cumstances may require. If you can, in the first instance, pro-
duce a CUT — severe enough to prevent the intruder ' Come-ing
again !' That I should pronounce the CUT glorious !"

" The shy CUT! or, I am off '!— ( Pointing.)— < That's the
way to the Refuge for the Destitute !' as if you were showing
some person the way to that institution.

" The won't see CUT ! or, I have no notion of always looking
at one object ! This cut ought to be got by rote, and always
at the fingers' end of a young rich man, entering into life —
according to the good old proverb, ' None are so blind as them
that won't see !' This will prevent a great deal of trouble.

" The half-nod CUT ! that is to say, when you are compelled,
positively compelled, just to give a wink ; in case you cannot
bolt without it.

" The 'pon my honor CUT ! 'Pon my soul, Charles, you are so
much altered that I really did not know you ! I am in great
haste! — You must excuse me! — Good bye, I wish you well !'
But remember that you do not stop to hear a word of reply ; —
but cut, and be off like a shot.

" The apology CUT ! that is, whenever you are charged with
knowing any person that you are ashamed of. ' Why, I can't
say I ever saw the fellow before ! — True ! — I have met him in
tolerable company — at that period, it was very well ; he then
had a carriage — fine house, and all that sort of thing, which
characterised the gentleman ; but now the case is altered.

They do say, that but, no matter, — he is become quite a

wretch ! It is impossible to stand it ! Bob is worse than a

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 33

blood-sucker ! You must riot be thought to know such folks !
1 am quite right ! Poverty is a d — d bad acquaintance, even in
Sunday clothes, and the sooner it is CUT the better."

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! upon my word," said Jem, " there is some-
thing so impressive and judicious in your advice, that I must en-
deavour to adopt it."

" Adopt it ! " cried Flourish ; " if you do not adopt it, you
will soon become a nice victim for the deep Bronze and his asso-
ciates ! I must now inform you of the I AGO CUT (that is, be-
hind the back — vulgarly termed back-biting), and the crudest
cut of them all : but then you know, as Shakspeare says, ' we
must be cruel, only to be kind ! ' I act upon it, morning, noon,
and night ; indeed, I would not set up my opinion in opposition
to such unanswerable authority. I am now giving the lago CUT
to Bronze. But, hold — I see him returning to us."

Bronze appeared in great agitation, and seemed rather to hesi-
tate a short time — something like an actor making himself up
for a part — the more to betray a sort of unhappiness of mind, to
give effect to the deceit he was about to practise on Sprightly :
his face, in unison with h's actions, was a picture of sorrow. He
thus addressed his victim : — " I really am ashamed ; nay, I beg
ten thousand pardons, sir — but necessity — cruel necessity — has no
law. Therefore, to be brief, I cannot pay my fare. In my hurry
to be in time, I left my purse on my dressing-table — I am mor-
tified beyond description at my carelessness and stupidity. It is
devilish annoying, an't it, sir ? If it is not inconvenient to you
to lend me half a crown, it would be new life to me at the pre-
sent moment. I will return it, 'pon my honor — honor with me
is a sacred virtue ! and when I get back to town, consider the
loan in your pocket. If the amount of the fare was a pound or
two," assuming an air of importance, " I would tell the captain
of the steamer to call upon me ; but it is such a trifle, it would
make one look so perfectly ridiculous, that I am sure, sir, you
are too much of a man of respectability — although I am a stranger
to you, but well known to your friend, Squire Flourish — to let
me be left in pledge, and become the derision of the passengers
for so small a sum. I have the feelings of a gentleman, rest as-
sured, and this painful moment touches me to the quick — if I

but my silence must speak the rest."

" Well, sir/' replied Sprightly, " I cannot resist the appeal,
and I shall trust to your honor. Here is the half-crown."

" Spare my remarks, sir," answered Bronze, putting up his
handkerchief to his eyes ; " I am overwhelmed with gratitude
— my heart is too big — God bless you, noble young man ! — I can-
not utter one word more ! " He then hopped off, with the agility
of a dancing-master, to the further end of the vessel in an in-
stant, laughing in his sleeve at his success in thus victimising
the friend of Flourish a second time."

" Bravo ! " exclaimed Flourish, smiling, " I must give Bronze

F

34 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

credit for his inventive talents — at the same time, I detest his
rogueries. But he has not done with you yet awhile — you are
too good a subject for him : he will make another attempt, and
he will almost stand kicking before you can shake him off. 1
will give you an instance. Bronze has served me much worse,
as to attacks upon my purse : but at length I detected his real
character — I then became decided, and gave him the Cut, FINALE !
as I thought, but to no purpose. The last resource I had left
was to put myself into a great rage, in order to get rid of him —
when I urged that I was sorry to see that he had lost sight of the
character of a man and a gentleman ; that he had also become a
downright sturdy beggar ; nay,' more, a mean, contemptible
wretch — an accomplished swindler — and I wanted words to ex-
press my hatred of his conduct — and if he would give me a
penny, I would give him five pounds, if ever he provoked me to
speak to him again during my life."

" Such heart-breaking words, which were enough to excite a
stone almost to enter into a combat for defence of character, had
riot the slightest effect upon his feelings - neither did they alter
his countenance at all ; and he replied, with the utmost sang
froid, ' You are angry now, Squire Flourish — out of temper
with the unfortunate, distressed, miserably afflicted Bronze.
Something, I am sure, has ruffled your disposition, but, never-
theless, you shall not excite me to quarrel with my best friend !
No, no, I know better ; and when we meet again, you will be
more yourself, and have banished the circumstance from your
mind/ And you saw that he came up to me with the most per-
fect assurance, as if nothing had happened between us ; there-
fore, let us cut all discourse about the most incorrigible Diddler
in the world. Only beware of the third attack."

" With all my heart/' said Sprightly. " I am ready to take
another view ; and a more pleasing part of the picture already
presents itself. Here are some dashing females in sight, and who
appear to me to be out of place, but worthy of our attention."

" To be sure they are," replied Flourish, " and this already is
one of the advantages resulting from our pilgrimage — a sort of
preface to the view of mankind which we have pictured to our-
selves : indeed, we might have lingered at home by our fire-
sides, until we had literally been devoured up by ennui, and
lost sight of every thing like taste and spirit. Still-life
will not do for my book ; I am for the reality of the thing. I love
to meet with speaking eyes — ruby lips — pearly teeth — palpitating
bosoms — rosy cheeks — animated countenances — fine figures —
elegant address — sensible minds — and nothing else but lively in-
teresting companions, exactly after the manner of the poet —

' Heaven in her eye —
In all her gestures dignity and love.' "

" Is not this ebullition of yours, Flourish, rather of too roman-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 35

tic a description ? " said Sprightly ; " a fancy sketch— too rho-
domontade — "

" Not a bit, my dear boy — woman is a complete romance alto-
gether. I have studied the sex — I am well read in all their lit-
tle tricks and fancies, calculated to make conquests and enslave
the unwary ; in fact, I am armed at all points when a woman is
the theme. Therefore/' observed Flourish, " look to me, and
you will be out of harm's way."

" If that is the fact," replied Sprightly, " then your judgment
and advice must be invaluable ; but, according to my reading on
the subject, I have always understood that women have not only
proved the greatest conquerors, and better generals than the
men, but some of our wisest creatures have been outwitted by
them."

" Yes, in the antique school — a century or two, or more, such
things have occurred,! believe ; but in modern times, that feature
is completely altered — experience has made fools wise ; and men
are not tricked as heretofore. The sex, in general, in the hands
of a skilful man, are almost reduced to mere playthings. True,
they may enjoy their hours of coquetry — revel in flirtation — and
have a host of danglers in their train ; but women now are short-
lived as to any thing like sovereign power."

" I hope, I may find it so," said Sprightly, " but I confess I
am more inclined to be a sceptic, than otherwise. However, you
have now an opportunity of giving me a taste of your quality.
The ladies are before you, and I claim your opinion."

" You shall have it," replied Flourish, putting up his glass ;
" fat, fair, and forty, at all events ; verging, perhaps, toward
sixty ; but imposing as to outside appearance, and duchess like ;
though not of peerage-quality, I dare be sworn ; however, I am
not exactly decided on the latter point. — Duchesses and persons
of high rank, seldom honor plebeians with their presence — ex-
cepting in election matters."

" You have overshot the mark, I am sure, as to age," observed
Sprightly, " her corpulency rather tends to put more years on
her T,ooks, "than she really possesses. I would say thirty ; and
under forty, I would wager a dozen of wine. But in other
respects, I have my doubts. Yet, I would ask, why not a
duchess have a little freak on the sly, as well as my lord duke
incog, to take a peep at human nature in her holiday clothes ?
It is a sort of masquerading, only without concealing the
face."

" I may have been, perhaps, a little too fast concerning her
antiquity ; but then she is dished-up so much after what is
termed — /am6-fashion, that a better judge than myself might be
deceived. Her colour is excellent, if it is real ; and her face,
rather inclines to the term of handsome ; however, at all events,
it is well got up, if my tell-tale glass does not deceive me ; to be
sure there is something more like the Hottentot Venus about her

36 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

person, than the Venus di Medici ; but that circumstance, I
am inclined to admit, is more her misfortune, than to be viewed
as a failing- : yet, what art could do for her, has been done ; and
after all, 1 must say, she is a ' tight article/ in spite of her bulky
appearance.

" Fashion, extreme fashion, has been studied from her head to
her feet ; and style predominates, whether becoming- or not.
Her fingers covered with rings, and her gloves taken off every
now and then, to show their value to the eyes of her astonished
spectators ; which, to my taste, appertains too much towards
the * vulgar.' But, nevertheless, she appears to nod with some-
thing- like grace ; and there is also something- about her smiles,
air, and carriage, that denotes she has mixed with g-ood society !
in short, I am determined to ' make her out.' Greenwich, at
holiday time, is very questionable ; surely, she cannot be destin-
ed for the Park ? I would say, most likely for Gravesend, Mar-
gate, Dover, or, perhaps, the opposite coast, — her intended
route to Paris ; and sheer necessity may have compelled her to
take her passage on board this steamer, on account of saving time.
No matter, I will find her out. Let Frank Flourish alone, for his
display of talents, when discovery is the point at issue/'

" Go it, my dear Frank," said Jem, " I perceive you are upon
stilts already ; but take care that your Pegasus don't throw you
off; and, Phaeton like, you get consumed in the attempt. But
proceed — I'll not interrupt you."

" I may be wrong," replied Frank ; " perhaps, I am elevating
their rank in society too much ; for, after all their dashing ap-
pearance, they may be for the Park. Women are funny articles ;
according to Pope : —

Men, some to business, some to pleasure take,
But ev'ry woman is at heart a RAKE.

And enjoy under the rose the game of ' kissing in the ring.'
I'll talk to them upon the subject by and bye ; and, perhaps, I
may ultimately come in for a chaste salute or two, from the intro-
duction, that is to say, from the manner in which I put myself
forward in accosting them. I will first play ' the amiable' with
the old duchess, acting up to the old adage, ' that more flies are
caught with honey than vinegar ;' and no sugar candy shall be
sweeter than the compliments I will bestow upon her. For her
daughters, time shall speak of my success."

" Don't make too sure the young females are her
daughters," said Sprightly ; " she does not, in my opinion, look
old enough to be pronounced their mamma."

" No matter, 1 shall be able to give you a complete his-
tory of them in due time. Birth — parentage — education —
their connections — and movements in life — if they prove worth
powder and shot. I am the boy," replied Flourish, "to worm
out secrets, and ascertain pedigree. Voyages of discovery are

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 37

delightful to me. But stop, I'll be hanged if 1 do not perceive
among- the crowd onboard — Picturesque Doleful, the finisfcer.
—Ha ! ha !"

" Who, in the name of fortune, is he ? I never heard of such
a designation in my whole life," observed Sprightly.

" To be intelligible on the subject/' replied Flourish, " he is
well known as the ta%-uridertaker, at the East end of the
town. Doleful undertakes, for a trifling sum per week, to give a
decent funeral to the members of his club ; and he has establish-
ed several of them about town."

" I never heard of such a thing before/' said Sprightly

" Live and learn, my boy ! Ha ! ha ! perhaps you would have
no objection to become a member ?" remarked Flourish ; " As
the saying goes, we are all born, but not buried ; and there is no
ascertaining the events of this life ! But yet, you may perceive
there is a consolation in most things — if we can but appreciate it.
1 maintain, the idea is grateful to our feelings — that the last
token of respect which can be paid to our remains will be done
by such means, and that without any obligation to your friends ;
and effectually prevent the horrid necessity which sometimes
occurs in society, to bury a man by subscription. I think I see
him trying to put a smile on his solemn face ! Well, it is holiday
time, and that accounts for it. — Ha ! ha !"

" A smile, did you say, Flourish ? I should rather call it a
horribly ghastly grin ;" replied Sprightly : " the living skeleton
was a corpulent man, by comparison to Doleful ! I should think a
sudden gust of wind would shiver him into a thousand pieces : he
seems to hang together by a mere thread ! a piece of geometry !
and whenever he is called to the tomb of the Capulets, it is very
likely that a mutiny will arise amongst the worms over his body
— instead of flesh, versus bones ! Doleful certainly would do for
the incantation scene of Der Freizchutz."

" I'll bet a wager he has had one hundred extra cards printed
to distribute amongst the visitors at Greenwich, in case any acci-
dents should occur," said Flourish ; " such as breaking their
necks by violently running down the hill, and other little casual-
ties which occur at Fair time !

" Doleful is a prime fellow for a good look out for Coroners'
Inquests, nay, it is said, that he pays one or two reporters
— ' Penny-a-liners,' as the dons of the press denote them —
poor fellows — who are glad to catch hold of any thing in the
shape of information, to make the pot boil ! Be it so — any thing
is better than idleness.

" However, I must tell you the following anecdote, which
was in general circulation some years ago, and generally accre-
dited as a fact : — A parcel of young fellows, much more fond of
mischief than propriety, were determined to have a ' larlC with
Picturesque Doleful, in order to put his courage to the test
with the dead ! He having frequently boasted that he could enter

38 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

a church yard at the most dreary hour of the night — take a com-
fortable nap in a solemn vault — or, be locked up in the most
lonesome part of a cathedral for a week together without feeling"
the slightest fear ! Doleful asserted that he looked upon the
dead with as much quiet of mind as if they were persons in a
sound sleep !

" The young men had made up their minds to cast lots who
should be the person to act the part of a dead man — but one of
them, a daring- sort of person, that nothing could daunt, or divert
him from his purpose —

When church-yards yawn,
And Hell itself breathes forth contagion to the world,

resolutely offered himself to carry the above scheme into execu-
tion. He was to sham dead ! His companions were then to go
rather late in the evening to the house of Doleful for a shell ! —
but previous to which some of the party were to get him out of
doors, and to detain him at a public house, that no interruption
should occur to frustrate their plan !

" Two or three of them then went and told a pitiful story;
that one of their friends had met with an accident, and was
killed on the spot, and they required a shell to put the body into
it, and they would bring the body as soon as possible to the house
of the undertaker. They procured the shell without the slightest
trouble, and the supposed dead man was conveyed to the domus
of the Picturesque, with all the solemnity of a real transaction :
and placed in a room set apart for such purposes.

" The party who had taken Doleful under their especial care,
plied him constantly with plenty of ale, and dram after dram,
until the Tally Undertaker was completely intoxicated, when
they saw him home ! Upon his arrival, he was informed by his
man, who was put up to the secret, and well paid to be silent —
that an accident had happened, and the body was in a shell. It
was a capital job, — the friends of the dead man were rich ; and
he must ' stand something to drink/ on account of their giving
him the preference as an undertaker !

" ' I'll stand any thing/ said Doleful, as groggy as a sailor
three sheets in the wind — reeling from one end of his shop to the
other, and continually hiccoug-hing — a convincing proof that the
Picturesque was ' how come you so?' ' But I shan't look at the
corpse to-night — I have other fish to fry !' and with a ghastly
smile upon his countenance, which he intended for a joke, ob-
served— ' the corpse can't bolt to-night, you know ; and I shall
find it in the morning where I left it !' and staggered off to bed,
where he soon fell asleep, snoring as loud as a humming top.
After he had been in bed about an hour, the supposed dead man,
who had been enjoying himself over some brandy -and- water
with his companions, in the room close to DolefuPs apartment, put
a shroud over his frame, whitened his face to have the appear-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 39

ance of a ghost, and, with a dark lanthorn, he immediately went
to the bedside of the undertaker ; but previous to which he had
placed one of his hands in a jug- of cold water, to give it the
icy, clammy feel of death !

" Doleful was so sound asleep that he only started a little on
the ' cold hand ' being* rubbed over his face ; but on the repe-
tition of it, when the light of the lanthorn opened upon him,
and shewed the g'host-like figure of the supposed dead man,
the agony of mind displayed by Picturesque was frightful. His
eyes rolled, and his tongue almost forsook its office, and in faul-
tering accents he could scarcely exclaim — ' Where am I ? — O,
Lord, forgive me my sins ! — What do you want with me ? — I
never did harm to any body in my life ! — O spare me ! '

" ' I want to get out/ said the supposed dead man, in a sepul-
chral tone. ' Wretch ! do you want to bury me alive ? What
business had you to confine me in a shell, and steal me from my
peaceful abode ? But I'll serve you out for such conduct. Did
you mean to make a Guy of me, and sell me to the Hospital
coves as a stijfun ! So prepare yourself for an exit, Old Dole-
ful ! ' — catching- hold of his shirt, at the same time giving- him
three precious slaps on his head ; and, in a hollow voice, said,
1 Picturesque, farewell for the present. I'll call for you to-
morrow nig-ht at twelve. So be ready ! No shuffling- nor excuses
will do for me/

"The companions of the supposed dead man having got their
cue, rushed into the room, and, with loud shouts of horrid
laughter, yells, groans, &c., danced about the room, nearly de-
priving- Old Doleful of his senses. The dead-alive man then put
some blue fire into his lanthorn to make a blaze, when, with a
most uproarious noise, they vanished — the place immediately be-
came dark, and all was as silent as death.

" The undertaker was too much alarmed to stir, but covered
himself all over with the clothes, in dreadful anxiety lest the
ghost should pay him another visit — suffering under violent per-
spirations— until, overcome with fatigue of mind and fright, he
fell asleep.

"Not getting up at his usual time, his man knocked at his room
door, calling it was getting late. ' Come in, Bill/ said Dole-
ful ; c I have had the devil and his imps visiting me to-night,
and walloped me like boxers ! '

" * Nonsense, master ! you have been dreaming ! ' said Bill ;
' your head has been wool-gathering — you are out of your mind !
If you run on with such stuff, I must get a straight-waistcoat for
you.'

" ' Out of my mind ! ' said Doleful ; ' I never was more cor-
rect in my life. But run and see if the corpse is safe that I left
in the shell last night/

" ' You certainly are wandering, master — you are as mad as a
March-hare/ replied Bill ; ' you left no corpse last night — you

40 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

certainly have taken leave of your senses. But, to satisfy your
mind, I'll go and see/ His man returned immediately, laugh-
ing-—' If you left a corpse there last night, master, the corpse
has bolted, for there is not the ghost of any dead man in the next
room, or any thing- like it. Rouse yourself, master — it must
have been a dream/

" 'A dream, indeed ! you are a stupid fool, Bill/ answered
Picturesque — ' the old devil and his frig-htful imps promised to
call for me to-morrow nig-ht at twelve o'clock ! '

" ' They never shall have you, master,' said Bill ; ' but if they
have the courag-e to come, we'll g-ive them a warm reception,
and no mistake ! I'll not leave you till after that hour. They
shall not touch your old jacket ! So think no more about it.
Don't humbug- yourself about a foolish dream — g-et up — your
breakfast has been waiting for you upwards of an hour — and I'll
go and fetch a drap of jacky to raise your spirits.'

" His friends, in general, persuaded him that it could be no-
thing else but a dream," said Flourish ; " but Doleful always
stuck hard and fast to it that it was a reality ! But the under-
taker has always been considered a half-witted fellow — a mere
simpleton — easily imposed upon, and persuaded to any thing —
and I have no doubt but we shall have some joke with him be-
fore the day is at an end.

" But hold, if my eyes do not deceive me, I see the notorious
Jack Scapegrace, entering the steamer. Yes, it is him, dressed
out as fine as a peacock. New clothes from top to toe ! I should
like to know who suffers ! He is on some secret expedition — a
woman, perhaps ; but I would rather say after the pelfl Fun,
or mere pleasure, I am sure, is out of the question ; but on re-
collection, I think we had better avoid him. He has recognized
us, and I do not like his looks, they mean mischief. Since his
last examination before your uncle, he has not openly dared to
insult me; but nevertheless, his behaviour has been any thing
but gentlemanly, because I would not notice him."

ft Do not pervert the name of gentleman," replied Sprightly,
"if you value the truth. It is true I am speaking at random ;
but if I dare hazard an opinion, I should assert he had more pre-
tensions to the character of a swindler, or a thief, than any
thing else. Therefore, I should say, avoid such a man, if you
value your respectability or your person ; and although he got
over the last charge brought against him cleverly, still I have
very great doubts on the subject. But at all events, my advice
is, to be on the civil list with him — and keep your tongue within
your teeth. A contemptuous look will almost irritate him to
kick up a row ; and he carries too many guns for you, Flourish,
— a word and a blow is the way he settles his accounts. He
has got a fist like an anvil for hardness of quality ; and not at all
particular, when it suits him, to use k very roughly. Although
he appears to be alone — depend upon it, he has several asso-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 41

elates lurking* about the steamer, should any thing- offer to re-
quire their assistance. He is, to sum up his character, nothing-
better than a well-dressed ruffian." •

" You are not far from the mark/' answered Flourish, " and,
as our friend Catalogue has it, we will pass him over as a very
bad lot. His mode of life is truly mysterious, and how he lives
is a matter of doubt ; yet, he will, if possible, introduce himself
to the notice of good society. He never appears to be in want
of cash ; is cool, cautious, and calculating- ; arid appears to have
a motive for every thing- he does."

' f He is more of a bravo, or bully, I think, than absolutely a
man of courag-e ; although /ear does not appear to belong- to
him. However, in my opinion, he is a dang-erous fellow — either
in the character of a friend or a foe ! He is slow in resentment ;
but nevertheless, he treasures up his ang-er for a time when it
will best suit his purpose ; and I am sure since we have cut his
acquaintance, it rankles in his mind, and he flatters himself that
he will be able to reveng-e himself, sooner or later, for such sort
of contempt. ' He can smile, and smile ag-ain, and yet be a
villain ;' but once more, my dear Frank," said Sprightly, " avoid
him. This is all owing to making- an acquaintance in the
first instance with Scapegrace, without an introduction. For my
own part, I shall avoid such an error in future."

" True, my boy," answered Flourish, " sensibly urged, and a
g-ood hint into the barg-ain ; or, rather a g-uide for us during- our
Pilgrimage. All is riot g-old that g-litters — men are not always
what they seem — and the women are "

il Stop, stop, my dear Frank, a word or two about the fair
sex/' said Sprig-htly ; " the Duchess, as you have desig-nated
her, I have my doubts respecting her person and appearance
altogether ; and what little I know about society in general,
teaches me that her eye speaks volumes — it is a penetrating one
—there is a sharpness and fire attached to it, that you do not
meet with in the heads of modest, unassuming females — her
look is too wanton and knowing for my taste — although she may
attempt to conceal it ; therefore, take care you do not meet with
your match, if not decidedly your mistress. She appears to me a
kind of Argus in society — she sees everything, I should say, at a
glance — is up to every move on the board — and has forgotten
more, much more, than you and I have ever seen or heard in our
intercourse with life, or can positively remember."

" Not quite so fast ! — You are calculating without your host,
Sprightly," observed Flourish, (( you make up your mind too
hastily — the female in question is a perfect stranger to both you
and me, and you are running down the Duchess., as I call her,
with a vengeance, and also calumniating her character without
any rhyme or reason. People are not to be taken by their looks
— for, of all other criterions, that is the most dangerous ; but
you are inexperienced in such matters, and that accounts for it."

G

42 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" I may be wrong in my conjectures ; but it is only a private
opinion between ourselves, and which goes for nothing as to a
matter of decision ; but nevertheless, I confess, I do not like her
appearance ; — her face is a sort of index to my feelings as to her
notions — and I should rather say, that the Duchess comes, (as a
matter of course,) from the ffest, and not the East end of the
town. Indeed, 1 will bet a wager — ' May Fair and its neighbour-
hood, against Wapping and the Docks ! ' that speculation
is her forte on this trip — she is on the look out — and if the day
turns out pleasantly and beaus are to be picked up — entangled,
and ultimately made victims — why then her scheme is answered.
If not, the expence is so trifling, that a failure on her part —
once in a way, can be put up with, without any complaints —
Ha! ha!"

" You may laugh at your own ideas upon the subject," said
Flourish, rather touched with the remarks of his friend, " but
you may depend upon it, before the day has expired, the laugh
will be in my favour ; and you will acknowledge that you have
taken a wrong view of the matter at issue."^

" Be that as it may, I have only to urge/ brother Pilgrim, if
you are not above taking advice," observed Jem, " to have a
care, and be not too profuse in your devotions to the ABBESS ;
and also on your guard respecting voivs to the Nuns ! Do not
be too clever ! — neither entertain an opinion that you know too
much to be outwitted ; and, likewise, be not more confident than
you ought to be in yourself. Quiz ! quiz ! by all means, if you
like to i shew' your talent, wit, and knowledge of the world ;
and 'go it' as much as you think proper. But, remember, if a
row should occur, I am not one of the party. True, I would
not stand by and see you wantonly ill-treated ; but do not let it
appear against you as the author of any disturbance. I see my
uncle coming towards us. Only one word more : — Remember !
Pray keep the line."

" Well, brother Pilgrims," said Makemoney, putting the news-
paper into his pocket, (( the last bell has rung, and we shall
soon be off." The band struck up God save the King, when

the left St. Catherine's Dock. " Is this not a prospect

worth a Jew's eye ? Talk of foreign parts, indeed ; Is there
such another sight like it to be seen any where? — and if I pos-
sessed the oratorical talents of some of our great folks in Par-
liament, I would describe it in glowing colours : —

This ancient City,

How wanton sits she, amidst Nature's smiles !
Nor from her highest turret has to view,
But golden landscapes and luxuriant scenes —
A waste of wealth, the store-house of the world.
Here fruitful vales, far stretching, fly the sight —
There sails, unnumber'd, whiten all the stream,
Float on the waves, and break against the shore !

Does not Old Father Thames look delightfully to-day, surrounded

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 43

by such a numerous offspring — old arid young-, all in pursuit of
pleasure and happiness ? Arid 1 will insist upon it, my dear ne-
phew, that the THAMES — Old Father Thames — and his next-
door neighbour, the Ocean, combine every thing that must please
and attract the coldest spectator ; but to a cockney, a man born
in London, if you like the expression better, unutterable delight
and satisfaction.

" Only take a peep down the River — view the different ships
from all parts of the world — the steamers, as it were, flying along
the water, — the wherries full — barges all in motion — com-
merce in all its bearings, or myriads of persons all on the qui
vive, either for pleasure, trade, or enterprise. See the anxious
merchant waiting for the arrival of his vessels from a far distant
clime, laden with goods, &c. to replenish his empty warehouses,
and also view the sailor's joyful return to his native shore, after
an absence of several years ; — does not the sight of the Thames
bring forth recollections and feelings to his mind, that neither
painting nor pen can depict : —

And as the mucb-lov d shore we near,

With transport we behold the roof,
Where dwelt a friend, a partner dear,

Of faith and love a matchless proof.

Therefore, brother Pilgrims, excuse my partiality, prejudice,
weakness — call it what you will — the BANKS OF THE THAMES
for me. I am satisfied with my own country."

" Mr. Makemoney," observed a gentleman very near to him ;
" I have been listening to the description you have been giving
of the Thames, to your nephew, with the greatest delight ; and
I am very glad to find that you still continue the same true-born
Englishman, and are not to be laughed out of those good old no-
tions, i that there is nothing like home !' Here is another friend of
your's on board — Mr. Fearful. Shall I tell him you are here, as
I know he will be glad to see you ? "

" Most certainly, Mr. Briton/' replied Mr. Makemoney ; and,
during his slight absence, he said to his nephew and Flourish,
" I will have a bit of fun with Charles Fearful, Esq. one of the
best-tempered creatures in the world ; but for the last forty years
of his life he has been the most terrible alarmist I ever knew.
At every change of government, if contrary to his way of think-
ing, or any little disturbances, he contemplated nothing else but
destruction to all our public establishments, and a total annihila-
tion of property ; and almost prepared himself to lay down and
die !"

At this juncture a tall, thin, classical looking gentleman made
his appearance ; a Sir Peter Teazle sort of personage ; and
when the congratulations were over at meeting with each other,
after an absence of several years, Makemoney, with a smile on
his countenance, thus addressed him — " Well, Mr. Fearful, all
the fine old establishments, I am happy to say, still remain en-

44

THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

tire. The political whirlwinds that you so much dreaded when
last I had the pleasure of seeing1 you, have done not the slightest
damage whatever.

" St. Paul's Cathedral stands as firm as ever ; Westminster
Abbey has not moved a jot: the House of Commons is as strong-
as a rock — and the House of Lords still remains & fixture. The
Tower of London continues as formidable as heretofore : — Windsor
Castle stands in the same place — but improved in every point of
view — not a tree missing- in its fine splendid Forest — the KING,
' God bless him/ still remains in health, with undisputed prero-
gative ; and long" may he continue to reign over a brave and
free people.

" Not a shadow of a picture defaced in the National Gallery,
and the British Museum increased beyond all degrees of compa-
rison for the benefit of the student and reader. All the good old
edifices — the antique, rich spires — hundreds of places of wor-
ship remain also in statu quo ; the national representation has
been improved, and we are getting- on, as an improving- race of
intelligent beings altogether. Therefore, I hope, my dear friend,
all your fears have long ceased to exist — all apprehensions for
the worst are at an end, and you may now lay down in quiet-
ness, and your repose secure."

" True, Mr. Makemoney, " I cannot refute several of your
assertions ; but, nevertheless, we live in strange if not in trou-
blesome times — alteration seems the watchword. You must
excuse me, my old friends, if I still have my doubts."

" I have done, Mr. Fearful, as I perceive you are perfectly
incurable ! But, rest assured, difference of opinion will never
alter OUT friendship."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 45

CHAPTER V.

The Steamer afloat — FLOURISH at fault — " the amiable" want-
ing— afraid to attack the Duchess — DOLEFUL and Coroners'
Inquests; or, the World's End! a hoax — A few words
more respecting SCAPEGRACE., but not quite ripe for expo-
sure. MAKEMONEY delighted — his description of the va-
riety seen in a Trip by Steam — Cocknies adrift — Fresh-
water Sailors ; versus, the Rough Sons of the Ocean — De-
barking from the Steamer — Greenwich Park — Kissing in
the Ring — National habits ought to be preserved ; a legal
opinion on the subject. An invitation to dinner ; a rheto-
rical display, vulgarly termed the gift of the gab ! WIL-
HELMINA and SERAPHINA, a pair of female Portraits —
live and learn, stay at home, and know nothing — What a
world we live in ! — The self -sufficient FLOURISH com-
pletely outwitted.

DURING the previous harangue, or rather piece of satire from
Makemoney to the Alarmist, Flourish had been strolling- up and
down the deck of the steamer, ogling the old Duchess and her
two daughters, but he could not exactly make up his mind in
what manner he should address her ; and not the slightest cir-
cumstance had occurred on which he could make any point of
conversation. No opening1 being left to him but to make a di-
rect attack, he felt quite at a loss, hesitated, and could not as-
sume courage enough to enact " the amiable I " although he had
brushed up his hair two or three times — placed his shirt-collar in
the best point of view — put his diamond pin in a prominent si-
tuation— looked at himself, again and again — still he appeared
waiting for something like a cue to commence the siege.

Whether his ardour might have been damped by the definition
given of the Duchess by his brother Pilgrim, James Sprightly,
did not appear, but his unblushing impudence, which had, upon
all other occasions, prompted him forwards, it should now seem
had totally deserted him, in case he might meet with a Tartar
in disguise. Yet, nevertheless, he was determined not to be
idle ; and, on passing Doleful, he appeared more at his ease, and
ventured, with a sort of insolent freedom, to ask him " if he was
not going to Greenwich to attend a Coroner's Inquest ? "

Doleful, harmless in the extreme, screwed up his melancholy
phiz, not quite a yard and a half in length, and almost as hollow

46 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

as a lanthorn, with a great deal of civility, observed, ' No, sir,
I never heard of any such thing* ! "

" I am quite surprised at that," answered Flourish, with a face
of clay, and without moving' a muscle, while young- Sprightly
was ready to burst his sides with laughter ; " you are a finisher,
1 believe (Doleful stared at him with the most piteous aspect)
— I mean, an undertaker ; that is, you put people out of sight
very ' cheap.' Yes, yes, I am right — I well remember you
finished off in good style Churchwarden Swallow -Mutton, who
wasachoked with a bone at a vestry-supper ; and so extremely low
were your charges, that had I not have known you to have been
a man of strict integrity in all your dealings, I should have
thought you had not come honestly by your materials."

" Have you got a card about you ? " Doleful put his hand in
his pocket, and gave Flourish one. (Jem, on witnessing- this
circumstance, was so overcome with risibility, that he was com-
pelled to run to another part of the steamer, in order not to
spoil the joke) — " That's rig-ht ; I will recommend you to a job
directly. Now, if you g-o to the ' World's End' — that is, I
mean the sig-n of it, at Greenwich — there is a Coroner's Inquest
sitting-, and the foreman of the jury, a friend of mine, John
Hookham Snivey, Esq., will make it all rig-ht for you to bury
him. A poor simple chap had laid a wager that he would
climb up to the steeple of Greenwich Church, but, unfortunately
for himself, he made only one false step, which caused his exit
before he expected, and he never told any person how the acci-
dent happened."

" How very shocking ! " replied Doleful ; and, pulling out
his pocket-book, noted down the ' World's End,' and ' Hook-
ham Snivey, Esq.' with all the gravity attending a real circum-
stance, and quite pleased with the job he had in view, not being
bound down to any precise terms of contract, exclaiming, at the
same time, to himself, " I shall leave the Park and the casualties
to themselves to-day — ' a bird iri the hand is worth twro in the
bush at any time." '

Flourish, strutting off like a crow in a gutter, in a sort of
audible whisper to his brother Pilgrim Jem, said, " I have
finished off Old Doleful in good twig ;" but before he could
congratulate himself on the success of his joke, "Finished
off!" muttered a voice, " I should like to finish you off a little
bit, for imposing on a simple tradesman !" Flourish, with his
face half turned round, recognized the well-known countenance
of the daring Scapegrace ! but he wisely took no notice of it.

" Aye, you may look ; its me," said Scapegrace, in a low
voice, but a murderous tone of accent, f< I owe you one upon an
old account — and perhaps I may chance to wing you, some day,
when you least expect it ! It won't do now, I perceive ; but the
time will come — and then — if you get off as well as the Old
Shroud Maker has done — think yourself lucky ! Now that's
what I mean — and no mistake !"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 47

This sort of side-wind murmur, and coming" when least ex-
pected from the dangerous and determined Scapegrace, almost
produced an attack of the ague on the frame of Flourish ; at
another time, it might completely have paralysed his efforts :
but the latter was too well supported on board of the steamer
to experience any rough treatment — so he ' pocketed the
affront/ as the safest mode to get rid of it — by putting- it off .with
a smile ! ^

Makemoney, whose time had been occupied with several
other objects, on returning- to his friends, felt rather surprized at
the sight of Scapegrace close to the elbow of Flourish, and, to
all appearance, his lip quivering- with rage, and his face looking
more like a disappointed demon than a Christian, and ejaculating
' Revenge!' Makemoney, with great eagerness, said — " Has that
fellow, Scapegrace, been saying* any thing* unpleasant to your
feelings in the shape of a threat ! I know he is perfectly capa-
ble of such an action : and I am sure we do not stand at all well
in his estimation ; and, if he had a convenient opportunity, 1
think he would not mind to do any of us an injury. He bears the
character of a vindictive fellow — therefore, keep out of his
clutches — give him no cause for reproach — but more anon, when
1 am at leisure !"

Flourish thoug-ht it the most prudent method to put a stop to
any more argument on the subject, by observing — " I did not
hear him say any thing, although, in passing by me, he ap-
peared in anger, as if some person had irritated him. However,
I heed him not \" yet thinking to himself, at the same time, that
it might be as well for him, if he remained quiet during the
short voyage to Greenwich.

" He maybe a desperate character, and in an assassin-like man-
ner, be inclined to take a cowardly advantage of us in private ;
provided he could conceal himself, and without the fear of de-
tection ! But let him, if he dare, come to an open contest," said
Sprightly, in a high-spirited tone of challenge — " and although
1 hate and despise anything like boasting, I care not for the
threats of fifty Scapegraces ! Therefore, at present, let us not
bestow another thought upon him. Do not let such a fellow as
that, whom no one knows any thing* about, war, in the slightest
degree, our pursuits or pleasure. A good general, I am told, is
always prepared for his enemy — therefore, only keep a good
look out ; and I am certain it is out of his power, or malice, to
do either of us any harm. A fig for his threats, Flourish, if he
did make any ! Yet I have some faint recollection of the subject
of his anger towards us ! But another time \"

Here the discourse was finished, and Scapegrace was forgot-
ten, by the band playing the animating gallopade from the opera
of Gustavus — the company gaily promenading up and down the
deck, and several of them from the movement of their feet quite
anxious to commence the ' Gallope !' But no leader, or master

48 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

of the ceremonies, presented themselves to give the eclat neces-
sary to the dance ; and Flourish still tardy about making- up his
mind to challenge the fair daughters of the ' old Duchess/ to
join the party on the ( light fantastic toe.' the tune was permitted
to finish, and the deck resumed its former appearance.

Old Makemoney then addressed his nephew, in a quiet,
colloquial manner, " Travelling in a steamer, more especially on
the Thame£, where scarcely any thing like danger is apprehend-
ed is, in my humble opinion, of the most delightful description ;
for instance — refreshments can be had at any time, in case the
breezes should operate on the appetite, arid hunger require sus-
tenance : an elegant cabin for retirement — books for those who
have a taste for reading ; and where, frequently, several ladies
may be seen quite wrapped up in excitement at the tale of the
last new novel.

"The lovers of prospects and other objects areequally amused
on the deck — and a taste for naval architecture may also be grati-
fied. The great variety of company you meet with connected with
all ranks in the scale of society — the different remarks you likewise
hear on all passing subjects upon politics, theatres, police, &c.
are highly worthy of the attention of any author who is fond of
exercising his pen on the subject of men and manners. The de-
light of popping on an old acquaintance by accident. Viewing
others cogitating over a cigar — a few scientific persons engaged
at chess. Here and there a few parties may be seen at drafts,
dominoes, cribbage, &c., while some of the juvenile company
are enjoying themselves skipping about the deck, or in the shape
of a dance.

''You may also behold lots of young cockneys, of both sexes,
puzzling the man at the helm, it being their first trip by steam,
with all sorts of questions, as to ' What's that ere place ?' or
' this ere castle ?' Travelling by steam also gives the steady
merchant a little respite from business — and his mind perhaps, at
ease, is at work on the calculating' system from the beginning to
the end of his journey, and when he hears the man sing out —
4 Gravesend ! Herne Bay ! Margate ! or Dover !' He feels
astonished, as well as pleased, that he has accomplished his
place of destination in such a very short time.

" You may also see the ' man of pleasure/ full of gallantry,
making himself agreeable to the ladies by his polite attention
and conduct to their little wants, and with his spy-glass, he is
the very essence of communication, pointing out the situations
and names of all the places as they pass along ; obtaining the
character of ' what a nice man — a perfect gentleman/ with the
whole sex on board. Sometime hearing the remarks — ' Really,
my dear mamma, it is more than delightful to meet with such
intelligent persons/

" Well, for my part, I must give a preference to steam before
any other sort of conveyance — the weather cannot affect your

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 49

person — you are enabled to retreat from the attacks of the wind
and rain ; besides, you are not subjected ;to trifling* quarrels
about ' putting up/ or ' leaving- the glasses down !' as in a
stag*e coach : no dust to annoy your feeling's, or spoil your
clothes ; — you experience the pleasure of walking- up and down
the deck — not only enjoying- the requisite towards health and
exercise ; but you have the gratification to know, at the same
time, that you are rapidly proceeding* with your journey, and
that your progress is not retarded by stopping- at the doors of
inns on the road to chang-e horses, or coachmen !

" Many other circumstances might be pointed out in favour of
steam navigation, if it were necessary to show its great conve-
nience and immense utility — it also conveys a picture of real life
— abounding with characters of every description ; only witness
the veteran tar, nearly three sheets in the wind, a passenger by
the steam-boat to join his ship, laughing at the remarks of fresh-
water sailors, and the fears expressed by the ladies of the ap-
proaching danger, talking of the boisterous winds, and the
roughness of the sea ! — ' Rough ! my darlings — Ha ! ha ! there
an't a thimble-full of wind stirring, and on the rough sea., as you
call it, why there's not a ripple to be seen. My eyes, if you had
been along with me and my shipmate Jack Dreadnought, who sits
beside me, in the Bay of Biscay, then you might have said OLD
BOREAS had opened his doors, and went to work with a new
pair of bellows — that Daddy Neptune had been kicking up a
row in his berth below, and set the foaming billows in rapid
motion, making all the craft, big and little, dance mountains
high without any music. But never mind, my hearties, every one
to his c'dllmg— (singing.) —

But sailors were born for all weathers —
Great guns let it blow high — blow low !

Our duty keeps us to our tether,

And where the gale drives we must go !

Here, steward, bring us a glass of stiff grog — none of your six
upon four stuff — that I may drink to all ' sound hearts and true
bottom** !' The tout ensemble., to me, is of the most inviting
description ; and if you, my worthy brother Pilgrims, enter into
the same sort of spirit on the subject, I feel assured that all our
trips connected with the Banks of the Thames will not only
prove gratifying to our feelings, but instructive to our minds/

Greenwich Hospital was now in sight, and boats from the
shore putting off for the steamer. The Pilgrims immediately
were ready to get on land ; the Duchess and her companions were
equally on the alert ; and Doleful appeared so anxious to be off,
that he had nearly jumped over the waterman's wherry into the
water, so eager was the undertaker to reach the land.

Scapegrace, also, as it were, slunk out of the steamer. Flou-
rish, it should seem, had now screwed his courage to the stick-
ing place, thinking his only chance might be now or never — im-

H

50 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

mediately went up to the Duchess, and begged he might have
the honour of seeing her safe in the boat, and also to the shore :
Makemoney and his nephew making for the land in another
wherry, viewing with merriment the operations of Flourish.

" Really, sir, your offer is very kind," replied the Duchess,
with a sort of agreeable simper on her countenance; "but I
cannot think of being so troublesome to a perfect stranger : yet,
nevertheless, permit me to return you thanks for your gentle-
manly conduct to unprotected females."

Flourish, flattered up to the eyes by this reply, swallowed the
bait with all the gTeediness of a perch ; and positively insisted
on performing " the amiable " to ladies who were so much in
want of a male friend. The row was but short to the shore ;
but during the little period which occured, the Duchess was de-
termined to make the most of it — a conquest being in view.
She, therefore, appeared the very mirror of attraction — her smiles,
affability, condescension, and politeness, were truly conspicuous.
The young ladies, who had also had their cue — giggled a
little, shewed a kind of simplicity, and affected a sort of coyness,
that, whenever Flourish put any questions to them, as if shy,
they turned their heads from his face. Makemoney and Jem, at
this juncture, bowed in recognition to Flourish, which the latter
returned by a nod.

" You are nodding to your friends, I presume. I am sorry
we should have been the cause of your separation. I beg par-
don," said the Duchess, " the corpulent gentleman is perhaps
your "

" O la, ma ! " observed one of the young ladies, in an audible
whisper, yet quite loud enough for any person to hear, " is
he not very much like our butcher ? It is him, I am sure ; and
I thought so when I first saw the fat man on board of the
boat,"^

" Hush! hush! my dear Seraphina," replied the Duchess, as
if in great confusion ; " you should not have interrupted the
gentleman in his reply : besides, it is extremely rude to make
any remarks on the dress of any person. But you will be kind
enough to excuse them, sir, as this is the first time they have
ever been suffered to gaze or to mix with the world ; at least,
upon such an occasion. You are very foolish children ; and
I hope no more caution from me will be found necessary." —
This was urged with so much propriety, that a Saint might have
been imposed upon, much more the self-important Flourish.

" Well, and I think Seraphina is right, after all," observed
the other young lady, with a toss of the head, " for I know him
by the cut of his coat ! Butchers always wear such coats."

" Wilhelmina, my child," answered the Duchess, to all appear
ance quite angry ; " worse and worse — O fie ! — if you can-
not say any thing more to the purpose, I must impose silence upon
you for the rest of the day. I am shocked ! "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 51

" Like their butcher ! Cut of his coat, &c. These folks of
the upper circles have a precious deal of assurance belonging
to them/' thought Flourish ; and, indeed, he was so much taken
by surprise, that he had nearly forgot to reply to the Duchess.
However, not appearing to notice those impertinent remarks,
and recollecting himself, he said, " O yes, yes. He is a man of
great respectability in the City ; also in the possession of im-
mense property, and a truly worthy creature. But no matter:
You will allow me, as we are very near the shore, to see you
safe to the place of your destination, or to your friends at Green-
wich/'

" Why, really, sir, I am almost ashamed to inform you," turn-
ing her head, replied the Duchess, " as I have no doubt but you
will think me a very foolish woman ; but, at the same time, I
know your kindness will excuse the fond mother. My girls are
just arrived from school, and, in a good-natured, thoughtless
moment, I promised them — not thinking of what I was about —
that they should visit Greenwich Hospital and the Park ; and
the cunning jades have taken me by surprise. Indeed, 1
was not at all aware it is what is called the holyday time,
until I was on board the steam-boat. But they are both mad-
caps— rich ; and they know it — large fortunes in their own
hands ; that is to say, when they come of age ; and they will
hardly, on that account, submit to any thing in the shape of con-
trol. It is true, sir, we are here incog., and not dressed well
enough to meet with any of our friends and acquaintances, who
are of the very first consequence in the upper circles of society.
Indeed, not for the fc Indies of gold/ would I be seen by any
persons from the West End ; although being here could not be
construed into any thing more than a mere harmless frolic.
Thank my stars, I am rich enough to be above any thing like
malice. Yet, you know, sir, that we cannot be too much upon
our guard — people will talk, and too often make mountains of
molehills ! But you, I am confident, sir, are not only a gentle-
man by birth and good-breeding ; and when we are in the com-
pany of a person of that superior description, we are quite cer-
tain to experience nothing else but gentlemanly treatment/'

Flourish made a most profound bow for the compliment which
had been just paid to him, and replied, " I hope so, my dear
madam, and any thing in my power you may command, sans ce-
remonie. Therefore, I will accompany you to the Park, if you
have no objection/'

" Objection, sir ; oh no, indeed ! ' answered the Duchess, with
a most agreeable smile ; " on the contrary, for myself, I shall be
proud in the extreme of your company ; and I will answer for
my mad-caps of girls, that they will be delighted by the atten-
tions of a gentleman of your excellent taste and accomplish-
ments."

The boats had by this time deposited their contents on the

52 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

shore. Scapegrace often looked behind him, with a sort of
iierceness about his aspect, that seemed to say, ' I will be with
you at some future period, when you least expect it — 1 am for
revenge ! ' — but he was not perceived by any of the Pilgrims
Doleful had no sooner landed than off he started, running-
at the top of his speed for the " World's End," or rather the
sign of it, with his hand upon his ruler, with an intent to mea-
sure the dead man for his coffin ; so strongly did the idea possess
him that he was to get the job from the foreman of the
Coroner's Inquest. Flourish was convulsed with laughter, al-
though in company with the Duchess arid her daughters — so
much did he pride himself with the success of his joke upon poor
Doleful.

Makemoney and his nephew now came up to Flourish, during
the time the Duchess and the girls hj;d walked forwards a few
steps, while the former discharged the boatmen. " Won't you
join us ? " said Frank. " You will not regret it, take my word.
She's a lady of importance, I have no doubt, from the West end
of the town — of rank — arid rich : her daughters have got splendid
fortunes — they are out upon a little frolic, but decidedly incog.
If you neglect this opportunity you will miss a treat. I have
found that she is positively a divinity ! affable in her manners,
fascinating in her conversation, and neither proud nor ostenta-
tious— taking things as she finds them, and anxious to have a
peep at the middling and lower classes of society, with all that
gaite de cceur connected with a woman of quality ! She has re-
cognized you and Jem as my two friends ; therefore, three and
three will make excellent couples for a stroll in the Park — so
join us. my dear fellows, without the slightest reserve. Remem-
ber what the old song says —

We're Pilgrims, blithe and jolly,
Sworn foes to melancholy,
And come out some fun to see !

So do not repent of the offer I have made, when it is too late.
Come and join us !

" For myself/' answered the uncle, " I must decline. I am
too old, and not fit company for such dashing females. I should
feel out of my element — a plain matter-of-fact man like myself
would only be troublesome ; but, nevertheless, I will not de-
prive rny nephew, if he feels any desire, to pass the evening
with you. I am no churl, but I must decline your pleasant
offer. However, I will meet you in the evening, depend upon
it. In the mean time, I shall make myself comfortable and
happy — there are plenty of subjects to keep one alive here,
which present themselves. You must excuse me, Frank."

" I will not leave you, uncle," said Jem. " No, no — I'll stick
to the good old oak, and NATIONAL into the bargain," palling,
in a friendly manner, his uncle on the back ; " I shall be safe
under its branches, and out of harm's way. No decoy ducks for

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 53

me. 1 repent, all is not gold that glitters ! 1 am young- in life
— knowing a little, but not knowing enough ; and 1 will not
give a chance away. 1 shall want words — be shy — bashful — at
fault — look foolish — and be quizzed to death ! No, it won't suit
me. You, Frank, shall be the hero of the tale — the merit of this
adventure shall belong entirely to yourself ! But, as a friend, 1
say do riot make any mistakes. Don't put your foot in it ! The
knowing ones are done sometimes. My uncle and 1 will meet
you at Richardson's Show, in the Fair, from half-past eight till
nine — we shall be punctual.

" You are quite wrong, I am sure, in your conjectures — your
apprehensions groundless ; nay, your suspicions are unjust," re-
plied Flourish ; " I tell you again they are ladies — every thing
about them bespeak it. Do you think I am so easily imposed
upon? Well, you shall have your opinion, and if they trick
me I will forgive them. I was not born yesterday. But I
will not press you. No, no — Liberty Hall is my motto :
I am pledged to them for a stroll in the Park, and I cannot
look so ridiculous as to break my word. I will be punctual to
you at Richardson's, when I shall be able to report progress. So
adieu, my worthy brother Pilgrims, for the present, and for
only a short period/' Flourish immediately joined the Duchess
and her girls, and they were soon out of sight.

Makemoney and his nephew took another direction, and
both parties were anxious to get to the Park. The streets were
thronged with people — the coaches from London arriving every
quarter of an hour overloaded with passengers — shatter-o'-dans
— taxed carts — flys — covered vehicles — vans, waggons, &c.,
breaking down almost with the weight of their luggage ; every
person so anxious to arrive early at Greenwich : the public-
houses crowded to excess — the cook-shops literally besieged,
and their contents devoured like an attack from cormorants. The
whole forming a lively but glorious scene of bustle and con-
fusion ; vividly portraying the pleasure and delight the holy-
days are hailed with by the people in general.

" If 1 am not mistaken," said Makemoney, " Flourish with all
his boasted knowledge of life, will have to pay dearly for this
frolic ; — there is something about them that does not please me ;
— they are knoiving ladies, to a certainty, and there is also a sort
of impudent leer about their eyes, that do not belong to modest
females. No, no, modest women are different creatures alto-
gether. But they have found out Frank's weak point — they
have flattered him — and he is foolish enough to believe that he
is deserving of such compliments. No matter, he is a rich single
man ; and, therefore, if he will sin with his eyes open, let him
be punished for it. It has been said, that experience makes fools
wise ! — Be it so."

" True, dear uncle/' answered Jem, " he in general finds
fault with every thing ; and almost with every body ; therefore

54 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

1 am the more surprised at this sudden alteration in his feeling's :
but for himself — he thinks he is the standard of perfection ; and
he imposes upon you in such an insinuating- sort of style that
you can scarcely withstand his remarks. For instance, ' My
dear boy, Jem/ said he, Tadmitthat you are a clever, high-
spirited, well-informed young1 man, and in reality you do possess
a much greater knowledge of the world then could be expect-
ed for so young a man. But would you, Jem, — and let us aigue
the question fairly, — place your experience in competion with
mine ?' Therefore, let Flourish take his chance — it is most cer-
tain we have all our weak moments — and perhaps we ought to
think ourselves lucky, if during- our pilgrimage connected with
the Thames, we escape free ! After all, he may not be
serious."

" Liberal, boy, liberal !" exclaimed the uncle, " I like that
sort of generous allowance which you have made for the infir-
mities of human nature ; it ought to obtain praise— nay, more, it
ought to be recommended, as a point well worthy of considera-
tion, to all our friends and acquaintances through the different
walks of society. Mankind might not then be inclined to prove
such harsh judges, as they too often do, upon outside appear-
ances, giving undue weight to them, instead of relying only
upon facts."

" Every body seems happy here, uncle," said Jem, " from the
highest to the lowest .person ; and mirth and good humour
appear to predominate in every party. 1 am quite delighted
with the scene, although it does partake, in a great measure, of
rudeness"

•' True, Jem : but surely you would not expect etiquette at
Greenwich Fair," replied Makemoney : " in my humble opi-
nion, in promoting the happiness of the lower classes of society,
you increase the strength of the nation. I must confess, I am
fond of old customs — I have a great veneration for those sort of
land-marks — they hand circumstances down from father to son
— and they keep alive features not only in private parties, but
connected with the rise and fall of nations ; which, otherwise,
might be totally forgotten, or sunk into oblivion.

" I love to keep birth-days — and like the return of the holy-
days at Christmas, Easter, Whitsuntide, &c., it tends to break
the business-like chain of confinement — and employment, and
work of every description, is returned to with a pleasing zest,
that cannot be felt without the benefit of relaxation.

" I am quite aware it may be strongly urged against the revi-
val of such places as Fairs, Races, &c. ; that they are the means
of bringing crowds together, and that riots sometimes occur ; it
is likewise a harbour for designing folks to assemble together, to
entrap the unwary ; there is little doubt but there is a great
deal of truth in these remarks — but notwithstanding, I am of the
late Sergeant Best's legal opinion, now Lord Wynford — ' that

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 55

we ought to take ewe to preserve our national habits, manners,
and customs. From the union of these/ the learned Sergeant
boasted, ' has arisen our national spirit — our love of indepen-
dence, of justice, and of our country. — THE TRUE AND
ONLY SOURCES OF ALL OUR GREATNESS AND ALL
OUR HAPPINESS. Wakes and their amusements are amongst
the customs, and are the fruits of our liberty. He who would
destroy them, would make a change in our manners and habits,
the extent of which we cannot see ; and for the consequence of
which, no good man would chuse to answer/ "

"Excellent!" replied Jem, " and as I feel rather dry, and re-
quire a little refreshment before we proceed on our Pilgrimage
in Greenwich ; — if you have no objection we will walk into a
tavern, or one of the booths, and drink the health of the late
Sergeant Best, for those noble sentiments ; — which, I am sure,
cannot be too often repeated — and which all lovers of their
country must cherish and admire ; — they are so truly English !"

" With all my heart and soul I" said Makemoney, glowing
with animation, " and in a bumper \"

We will now leave them to the enjoyment of their repast,
and take a peep at the movements of the Duchess and her
daughters."

" It is well, perhaps," thought Flourish, on leaving his brother
Pilgrims, " that I did not say any thing to them about the
butcher, the cut of his coat, Sic., calculated to excite angry feel-
ings against the ladies ; however, it appears I am all right in
their estimation, and old Makemoney a good foil to me."

" Your friends, then, will not join us?" said the duchess.

" It is, I assure you, madam, a matter of regret to them,"
replied Flourish, " but a previous engagement prevents them from
the enjoyment of your delightful company.'*

<c You are a flatterer, I perceive, sir," answered the Duchess,
with one of her most fascinating smiles ; " but I am sorry for
their absence, as we might then have been so agreeably paired
off'. Give me leave to say, sir, you are a bold man to encounter
three females ! I am afraid you will have to regret your temerity,
or rather, like Macheath observes : —

How happy could I be with either,
Where t'other dear charmer away !

Ha ! ha ! ha ! You must excuse me, sir, but perhaps, I am making
a little too free at so short an acquaintance : indeed, it has always
been my fault to be too communicative ; however, I hate your
distant, cold, proud, reserved sort of folks. No, I belong to a
different sort of world — my feelings are of another cast: If I
like a person, or feel pleased with their manners, I cannot help
making free with them, that is to say — rank them amongst my
friends. Yet, sir, you may think me too candid in this respect?"
" You overwhelm me, madam, with delight," answered Flou-

56 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMKS

rish ; " it is this sort of frankness which belongs to persons of
superior intecourse with society ; and which the advantages, of
education give them over other individuals, who are confined to
a different sphere ; therefore, madam, \ hope you will be more
candid, as you term it, and let me be benefitted by your
remarks and conversation. I will close here, lest any fur-
ther observations of mine might be deemed flattery, which I
assure you, is far, very far removed from my intention ; there-
fore, may I hope that you will proceed without the slightest
reserve !"

" Your politeness, sir, emboldens me to enter into that free-
dom of conversation," said the Duchess, assuming an air of gra-
vity ; " which otherwise I most certainly should have hesitated in
doing; for, after all, females, however well educated they may
have been, and positively drilled into every thing connected
with genteel life are very inferior to the well-bred gentleman
and elegant scholar ! Ha ! ha ! No, no — there is no sort of com-
parison— but the man of gallantry who seems outwardly to pay
the most devout attention to a female, like the actor who has to
deliver a speech aside, has often been heard to denominate the
ladies — " mere playthings of an hour !"

(l You wrong yourself, my dear madam," said Flourish; " and
I am afraid the last sentence was rather too satirical !"

" This is not fair, my dear ma !" said Miss Seraphina ; " You
engross the whole of the gentleman's conversation to yourself."

" A few words more, my dear girl," replied the Duchess ,
" and then you can say what you please. But I was merely
going to account for our being here, to inform the gentleman
that you were tired out with your frequent visits to the Italian
Opera ; the Zoological has become a perfect bore : the Coliseum
was very well in its way; lounging at the Bazaars had ceased to
become attractive, and that you were determined to enjoy a little
RURAL FELICITY by way of a change in your amusements.
That you were more anxious to tread on a carpet of green, and
enjoy the sweet fragrance of the air, than waltzing on chalked
floors, and be;ng oppressed with the heat proceeding from the
effects of gas light, or wax candles."

" Charming ! mamma, you have described our feelings to a
nicety," said Wilhelmina ; " too much of one thing is good for
nothing — and at the West end, you know, it is one continued rou-
tine from morning to night. It is enough to make one yawn
only to think of it."

" True, my dear Willy/' observed Seraphina ; " Only look at
those persons having a little delightful rural exercise from that
hififh hill — I long to be with them. Do you think it would be
indecorous, mamma, if we were just to have a little scamper down
the hill ? I am sure it would do us good, and improve our health.
We shall only be taken for well-dressed rustics — perhaps country
milliners — but no matter for once "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 57

" Yes, mamma, you must consent ! " echoed Miss Wilhel-
mina ; " it will be only viewed as a little bit of rusticity."

" Why, my dears/' replied the Duchess, " you seem quite
wild, and more like birds who have had the doors of their cages
left open by accident, than young- ladies whose education and
pursuits should have taught you better manners. But you
are so persevering, that you will not be denied. However, if
I thought your uncle, the Admiral, would not pounce upon
you — and that is not at all unlikely, as he might have some
duty to perform at the Hospital — perhaps I might, for once,
indulge your whims. But he's a fine old soul, and, jolly tar-
like, he might only join in the laugh. But pray take care you
do not run down the hill too fast, as it is not very lady-like you
know, girls, for females to be seen tripping up their heels."

" You will perhaps, sir, have the goodness just to join us for
a run or two," said Miss Seraphina ; " it will have such a strange
appearance for us to run down the Hill without the protection
of a gentleman. I am sure you will not refuse a challenge from
a lady."

" Certainly not, my dear young- ladies," replied Flourish, quite
gallant ; " if your mamma will remain by herself for a few mo-
ments, only to laugh at our folly."

" You have my free consent," replied the Duchess ; " therefore,
on my account, lose no time."

Miss Seraphina and her sister commenced the race with all the
rude ardour of romps, and nothing like the appearance of de-
licate females. Flourish, in truth, was so pulled about by each
arm that he was panting for breath ; and, after a run or two, he
was compelled to decline the contest. Though the latter did
not perceive it, yet it should seem that the young ladies were
more anxious to display their well-turned ancles, covered with
rich silk stockings, elegantly clocked, than to conceal them
from the eyes of the public, and were quite indifferent as to bash-
fulness. After the race had terminated, they all three joined in
the laugh at the weakness of Flourish's constitution. During the
space of time that Flourish was recovering his exhausted breath,
he perceived old Doleful running as fast as he could towards him —
who, upon reaching him, observed, — " I beg your pardon, sir ;
I cannot find the ' World's End ! ' and I am afraid I shall lose
the job."

Flourish could scarcely look at Doleful, from the effects of
risibility, at the great simplicity displayed by the tally under-
taker. " Egad," said Flourish,* " I beg your pardon — I have
made a mistake — how could I be so stupid ! — I mean ' the Man
struggling to get through the World ! ' — but there is such a
similarity between them, that any person might have committed
an error quite unintentionally. However, you shall be correct
now, as I will write it down for you ; but if you do not make
haste you will be too late."

i

58 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Away ran Doleful, but in his haste he tripped up against a
stone, and down he measured his whole length on the ground ;
which Flourish perceiving-, proposed to the ladies to have a stroll
to some other part of the Park. On turning- round, just to have
a last look at Doleful, he perceived the thread-paper sort of
fig-ure of the undertaker on his leg-s, hopping as fast as he could
for ' the Man struggling to get through the World ! ' Flourish
was now totally unable to proceed until he had enjoyed an im-
moderate fit of laug-hter at the successful hoax, a second time
which he had played off on old Doleful : but on taking out his
pocket-book, to write the direction for the undertaker, he acci-
dentally let fall one of his cards, unperceived by himself, but
which was carefully picked up by one of the young- ladies, who,
after looking- at the name, immediately concealed it in her
reticule.

" Did I not see that grim spectre-looking sort of man on board
the steamer ? " asked the Duchess. " What a horrid fright for
a human being ! "

" Yes, madam/' replied Flourish ; " he is a cheap undertaker
by profession — always looking out for a job. Therefore, to have
a little bit of fun, I found him a subject, and he is gone to look
after the said imaginary being to bury him. Will you allow
me — ha ! ha ! — to recommend him to the notice of your Lady-
ship ?"

" For mercy's sake, sir, don't frighten me to death ! He is
more terrible-looking than any of the horrid skeletons in the
German Opera. But it was cruel of you," said the Duchess ;
" O fie ! " Yet, nevertheless, in spite of their sympathy, they all
joined most heartily in the laugh at the finisher's expence.

On recovering from their laugh, they had not proceeded far
from the above spot before Flourish perceived a large ring, com-
posed of young men and girls, enjoying themselves at a rural
game, which is very conspicuous at holyday time in Greenwich
Park, called " KISSING IN THE RING ! " It is truly simple in its
nature, and does not require the least instruction to become per-
fect : for instance, the female selects one of the males whom
she appears to prefer to any other person present, when she
touches him on the back, and then runs away from him as fast
as she can, until the man she has touched overtakes her. The
female is then taken into the ring, when she is saluted by her
admirer, and also by the clerk of the ring. She is then left as a
pledge until she is relieved by some other aspiring lover from
the ring. Therefore, those ladies who are fond of kissing, here
may be gratified to the utmost extent of their wishes.

Flourish now thought he had an opportunity to have a bit of
fun with the young ladies, when he thus addressed them : —
" Now, young ladies, it is my turn to challenge ; what do you
say to a game at Kiss in the Ring ? It is a game I am very fond
of. Therefore, my dear Miss Seraphina, let me beg the favour

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 59

of a slight touch from you, that 1 may have the inexpressible
felicity of a chaste salute from those vermillion lips. After-
wards, another touch from my dear Miss Wilhelmina ; and then
I shall be doubly blessed. Nothing1 can be more simple, I assure
you. Suppose we commence the game —

" You astonish me, Mr. Flourish, at the boldness of your re-
quest," said Miss Seraphiria, with a sort of disdainful air, " I
hate kissing! — 'tis a vulgar practice, as well as an immodest
one. But if I did consent to kiss, I should say, with Juliana, in
the Honeymoon, ' I only kiss where I love."

" Bravo ! " answered Flourish, " I admire your spirit, not to
say your good taste ; but you know it is only RURAL FELICITY !
We do not expect it in drawing-rooms ; but it is all fair at
fair-time ! Come, come, do not be so cold. I once more chal-
lenge you to the ring. You have given me a good specimen that
you are nimble on the foot, and there is a probability I might not
catch you/'

" Stop, stop, Mr. Flourish, not quite so fast," replied Miss
Wilhelmina ; " I say much more than my sister — it is a most
filthy practice — so much slabbering about it, to let every rude
beast salute your lips, be what his breath may. It is quite shock-
ing— so think no more about it. Come, let us be walking, and
seek for subjects more interesting than an unmeaning kiss ! "

Flourish felt quite surprised, nay, abashed at this unexpected
check — and was rather confounded at the freedom with which they
used his name ! How could they have acquired it ? thought he.
He was almost at a stand-still for a reply ; but, however, he de-
termined to rally them slightly on their coyness, and to try if he
could not reduce their pride a little. " Every one to his taste,"
said Flourish : " but I should like to have one harmless run ; —
there really are some very nice girls in the ring, that a duke
might not be ashamed to salute — some of the choicest gifts of
Nature \"

" You are only joking, Mr. Flourish," said the Duchess, " I
am sure ; and you are determined to be facetious ! A gentleman
of Mr. Flourish's pretensions in society would not like to be dis-
covered making himself an equal amongst such a herd of com-
mon-place sort of folks. Therefore, if you have no objection, we
will move forwards to a spot more congenial to all our taste and
feelings — True, as you say, sir, it is Fair time — but, in some
cases, we ought never to lose sight of our dignity."

u Perhaps you may be right, madam," answered Flourish ;
" you have called me by the name of Flourish — are you certain
that is my proper designation ?"

" We are quite certain of that circumstance," replied the
Duchess — " You are better known to us than you expect — or
you might have been assured, that we should not have trusted
ourselves in any other company but that of a gentleman . we
are also aware that you are a rich man — highly connected — and

60 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

that, like ourselves, you have descended a few steps from your
proper station in society, to have a day's fun at Greenwich !"
The conversation received a short pause for a few minutes,
hut in passing- a very large moveable tavern, Miss Seraphina ob-
served to her sister, " Something- smells very nice, indeed ! I
declare it has made me quite hungry ! I wonder now whether
the articles of food at these places are g-ood ! If I thoug-ht they
were, I would not mind, for my part, just having- a sandwich,
by way of a lunch, and also to stay one's appetite, as it will be
so very late before we g-et home to dinner. Nobody will know
us ! and if they should, why every body must take refreshment,
you know."

" I declare, too, that I am almost dying1 for something- ! We
came out in such a hurry, that I had scarcely any breakfast : I
have no objection," observed Wilhelmina ; " but ma is so very
particular — she never will put her notions of quality on the
shelf, if it were only for a few minutes ! What delightful looking
ham ! the beef, too, appears delicious — and the pickles looked
really inviting- to a degree. Only look, ma, what a stylish
booth !"

This dialog-ue being- overheard by a man at the door, whom
some persons mig-ht desig-nate as a Touter, he immediately com-
menced the following- harang-ue: — " I beg- pardon, young- lady,
the term is obsolete ! Our ancestors, the g-ood old folks that are
dead and g-one, kept Booths, I admit — but this building-, my
fair damsel, is called a TAVERN : only look at the eleg-ance of
it, and you will allow that the expression was wrong- ; but most
of us, at times, young' lady, are apt to make mistakes — and none
of us are infallible.

" Tais Tavern was desig-ned by our very first architects — Sir
John Soane, arid the great Nash — I do not know which, but I
should rather say they both had a hand in it ; indeed, so much
was its architecture admired at Ascot Races, that the late
King- Georg-e IV., in raptures with the composition of it,
ordered it immediately to be served up to him like a joint
of meat ; but, as that could not be done, this great King- of
Taste was content to view it through one of Dollond's five hun-
dred guinea telescopes, when he not only pronounced it 4 Pro-
digious !' but * a Palace in miniature !' ';

" How very astonishing !" cried the Duchess : " I would not
have believed the story, if I had not have heard it from this
man's lips !"

"'Therefore," said the man, resuming his discourse ; " you
cannot do better than to walk in — seat yourselves down comfort-
ably—and call for what you please. Lots of quality dine here
every day, at this particular season of the year. You will find
every thing here in apple-pye order ; and we are complimented
on our good taste by the most magnificent people in society.
But where's the wonder ? We employ Monsieur Ude, the cele-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 6l

brated cook, — there never was such a cook born before ; nor
there never will be such a cook born ag'ain ! — who makes all
our pastry during- this splendid CARNIVAL.

" We spare no expense ! — Profit we do not care about ! — Our
only aim being- to g-ive satisfaction ! — We are every-day sort of
tavern keepers ! We are here — THERE — and at every place,
where the quality show themselves — we are strong-ly connected
with the PEERAGE ; therefore, permit me to say, ladies and
g-entlemen, that character — yes, character — aye, 1 repeat it —
character with us, is the leading- feature of this most splendid
Arabian-nig-ht sort of establishment. There is nothing- like it in
the world !

" Our wines are rich, mellow, and old ! and we can challeng-e
the East or West India Docks — and as the sporting- g-entlemen
say at Epsom, we can g-ive any tavern-keeper under the g-lobe
— TWELVE, and beat him. Our Bees-wing-s are worth a Jew's-,
eye — and we have g-ot a patent from the king- and queen of the
bees, on that particular point of excellence.

" The Champag-ne that we have in our cases, I want words to
describe its beauty, independent of its hig-h flavour ! Talk of
pink — its nothing- else but pink. Our Sherry never was boug-ht
— it could not be boug-ht — it is part of a present which came
from the King- of Spain ; but that is neither here, nor there, —
only a few bottles of it are left — therefore, I think this hint is
worth its weig-ht in gold — and the lovers of fine wines would
pay a premium, if they knew where they could purchase it.

" Our table-cloths are as white as snow — knives as sharp as
razors — plate of all descriptions, but no plated articles whatever.
Remember it is the CROWN, and the Crown does nothing- by
halves — and our Anchor teaches us to HOPE that you will be
more than satisfied with our superior refreshments."

" What an extraordinary fellow," said the Duchess, " he
must certainly be some broken-down counsellor ; why Lord
Broug-ham, nor Sir Robert Peel neither, could have spoken
more to the purpose. I declare it was quite an oratorical
flourish ! The invitation is excellent, and I feel half subdued
already. If I thoug-ht we could slide into this tavern, as it were,
without being- recog-nized by any of our friends, I have half a
mind to consent."

" You will not be seen by any person, ma \" answered Miss
Seraphina, " there are times when 1 think pride should
relax a little ; and if you agree with the old proverb that ' neces-
sity has no law/ where can be the objection ? Hung-er, I have
heard it said, will break throug-h stone walls ; I am sure preju-
dices are much more easily overcome. I am so hungry, that I
shall do any thing- presently, reg-ardless of propriety."

" Pray, ma! do unbend? You will be ill. lam sure you
must be faint," echoed Wilhelmina ; "well, I .shall judg-e for
myself, and enter this tavern sans ceremonie !"

<V2 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Well, well, you really are such coaxing-, persuading1, teazing
sort of girls, that I suppose I shall have no peace if I do not
comply with your request. But mind, girls, if your rich and
particular aristocratic old uncle, the General, a P. and Q. sort of
character, should hear of it, mind you must take all the blame !
But I certainly should not like to see you dying1 with hunger."

" Now really, my dear madam/' observed Flourish, " I think
you are too particular, you ought not to stand upon such niceties.
You are only here for ten minutes, to partake of a lunch, and
gone the next ; I assure you, I have seen persons of the first
respectability in life take refreshments at this tavern."

" There, mamma ! you hear what Mr. Flourish has to say upon
the subject," said Wilhelmina, " and now I will not take any
refusal."

" Then say no more, my dear girls," replied the Duchess, " we
will go in : but lose no time, give your orders for what you
should like best, without Mr. Flourish will have the kindness
to tell the people what is necessary to place on the table for
gentlefolks !"

The waiters were not in the least dull, after such an under-
standing- between the parties, and catching1 hold of the last
sentence, they were satisfied that some g-ood customers were
before them. The table was soon spread out1 with every deli-
cacy the tavern afforded, in great profusion, and no time was
lost by the Duchess and her daughters to commence operations.

" Sans ceremonie !" said Miss Seraphina, " let us make our-
selves all at home."

No rough dairy maid, hungry groom, or shepherd's boy, ever
displayed better appetites ; or, more tact in disposing of ham,
fowls, beef,&c., than the Duchess and her daug-hters did : they
appeared more like cormorants, who had been kept without food
for several days — cut and come again — laughing- and joking with
each other on the subject ; although, but a few minutes before,
they had displayed the squeamishness of the most fastidious per-
sons in the world.

" I declare," said Miss Wilhelmina, with the bone of a fowl
in her fingers, — " I never relished any thing half so well in my
life — this trip by water has given me quite an appetite."

" It is quite delightful !" observed Seraphina, " if you call
this RURAL FELICITY — I shall never be tired of it ; but I sup-
pose it is the novelty of the thing — I really am ashamed of
myself/'

They did not trouble Mr. Flourish to give orders, but boldly
called for every thing they wanted. Flourish was so struck with
astonishment, that he could scarcely taste a bit himself, ruminat-
ing what strange sort of folks the people of quality were.

When the Duchess, with the utmost sang froid, said to the
waiters, " I think I heard you praising your Pink Champagne ;
you had better bring a couple of bottles !" Flourish looked un-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 63

utterable tiling's, but said nothing. " Girls/' observed the
Duchess, with a sort of satirical smile upon her face, " this is
one of our gala days ! and I think, as it is growing lat^fc we may
as well make a dinner of it instead of a lunch ; and I shall
allow you both to take a glass of Champagne ; Mr. Flourish, I
am sure, will join us."

Mr. Flourish nodded consent, and said " Certainly !" but his
articulation was very faint — and his former spirits seemed on the
vane. He looked dull. The Champagne soon disappeared ; in
truth, so did every thing else.

" I always take a glass of Madeira, my dear mamma, after my
dinner, you know ; therefore," said Seraphina, u you have no
objection that my sister and 1 should have one each to-day."

" By all means, my dear," replied the Duchess, " but let me
recommend, after cold fowl, ham, &c., a little Eau d' vie as a
preventive to spasms ! Therefore, waiter, bring some brandy
with the Madeira."

" The fruit looks delightful," said Wilhelmina ; " therefore,
you may bring the dessert as soon as you like, waiter."

The waiter, as quick as lightning, brought order after order
made by the ladies. te Here is the Madeira, madam ; and I have
also brought for your taste some of the finest red Port in the
world, and Sherry to match with it, to save you trouble."

" You have done perfectly right," answered the Duchess ; " 1
see you are a clever man ; and at my next rout I shall want such
a clever assistant-waiter like yourself; but you must let me have
your card before I go, that I may send to you."

The Duchess rallied Flourish on his lowness of spirits, which
he denied, and evidently assumed to be cheerful ; when the
former drank to the girls, and the young ladies returned the
compliment to their mamma. They were all in high mirth and
good humour, and called upon Flourish to give them some
toasts. He began to find himself getting a little queer, but his
guests did not appear any the worse for the portion of the Cham-
pagne which they had drank ; but, nevertheless, the girls were
inclined to " break out " several times, had it not have been for
the " stern frown" which the Duchess put on, as a cue for them
to be quiet : however, to prevent any mistakes, the Duchess apo-
logized to Flourish, and observed it was growing rather late,
and they must think of getting back to London ; she was also
sorry, nay, afraid, that they had kept him so long from his
friends."

Flourish begged of the Duchess not to mention it : he had
never before been in such delightful company — time positively
flew — and regretted they must part, but " not for ever ! "

" By no means," replied the Duchess ; " that would be griev-
ous indeed."

" Part for ever ! " echoed the girls ; " perish the thought !
Mamma, have you not given Mr. Flourish our card?"

64 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Here it is, Mr. Flourish," with a smile displaying* at the
same time a magnificent card case, said the Duchess ; " The

Honorable Mrs. , Grosvenor-square : where we shall be

most happy to see you at any time you can make it convenient ;
or, at our villa, as my Seraph, will have it — the girl is so roman-
tic in her ideas ; but I designate it no more than a mere cot — a
plain, simple-looking- cottage, — but fitted up truly in character,
after the style of his late Majesty George the Fourth's private
retreat in Windsor Great Park. Therefore, sir, you can take
your choice — at the cottage we rusticate ; or, I should rather
say, unbend."

The bill was now presented to our hero — but, on looking at
the bottom of it, the figure altered his countenance a little ;
however, he made no remark — his gallantry forbade it.

The Duchess, who was far from a novice, and who could
read the face of Flourish, apologized for the omission of her
purse, as she felt anxious to take a share in the expences ; but
Flourish would not listen to any such thing. No, no — the ladies
never paid in his company.

t( You are a perfect gentleman, I am sure, sir, and I know
you will excuse me, as I am without my purse/' observed the
Duchess, " I shall require the loan of five pounds from you to
pay for a glass coach to carry us to our town house. It quite
slipped my memory to have ordered the carriage ! I hope I am
not making too free/'

" No more free than welcome, madam ; I am happy it is in
my power to serve you." The preliminaries being thus settled
for return to London, Flourish escorted the ladies to the best
house in the town, and put the Duchess and her daughters into
a post chaise. " Adieu, sir ;" li Farewell, ladies ;" were often
repeated between them, but no chaste salutes ! The post-chaise
was soon out of sight — and Flourish left to reflect at the termi-
nation of his adventure with some little astonishment !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL.

CHAPTER VI.

FLOURISH asking himself a few questions ! Perplexed with
doubts ! Satire a bitter weapon ; and men, in general,
afraid of being laughed at. A hint or two respecting the
dangers of blind confidence ,- or persons having too good
an opinion of their own sagacity. Travellers see strange
things, and are rather too apt to praise other countries
in preference to their own : nevertheless, Greenwich Fair
and the Park contrasted with the Carnival at Naples.
The Dance — not the Tarantula ; but equally as exciting
to the feelings — nothing else but gay moments — touch and
take — please your taste — running kisses — dangerous to be
safe — " 0 the days when I were young" — quality and
quantity — both in the field :—

Poor Pauline ! you know what I mean,

There's more to be fear'd from a fall on the grass,

Than a race on the frozen river !

M 4 KEMONEY'slove of country again displayed. SPRIGHTLY
over head and ears in love .' The ARTISTS at work — DRAW-
ing the Flats — and the Pilgrims let into the secret !

LOURISH, for a few seconds,
stood like a man in a trance ; the
transition he had experienced was
great in the extreme — from gay to
grave in an instant — the Duchess
and the two prattlers, Seraphine and
Wilhelmina, out of sig-ht like a shot,

K

66 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

galloping towards London — leaving Flourish a complete picture
of loneliness. He seemed lost to every thing around him — but
at length, starting from his reverie, he mentally exclaimed —

Can such things be,

And overcome us like a summer's cloud,

Without our special wonder?

Or, to use a vulgar phrase, but quite in point, that a fool and his
money were soon parted : indeed, he appeared astonished at his
own conduct — wheedled, as it were, out of a truly expensive,
nay, extravagant dinner — positively a Clarendon touch — united
with the loan of five pounds ! And all this politeness — liberality
— condescension, and generosity, to perfect strangers ! What a
change in circumstances, in the course of a fleeting hour or two !
How are we beguiled — entrapped — decoyed — induced — but
no matter — such are the adventures of real life.

Flourish, it should seem, was carried away by an impulse he
had never felt before. It had hitherto been his boast that he
always " looked before he leaped !" but, in the present instance,
he was hurried on so precipitately, that he had not an opportu-
nity of making good his retreat. His gallantry was put to the
test — and although few men had a greater regard for the cash
than Flourish, yet he startled at the idea of being thought a
shabby fellow ! He could not make up his mind to say NO !
The fascinating Duchess, who was well read in the ways of men,
with her interesting daughters, were too much for him ; and yes,
yes, and yes, were the replies to all their questions.

The greater portion of the errors that mankind too often split
upon, arise from the flattering unction with which they please
their minds, namely, the superior intuitive knowledge and expe-
rience which they think they possess, generally, over their fel-
low creatures ; and it is from this sort of confidence, rather say
blindness, that they are tricked, imposed upon, nay, laughed at,
for exhibiting such weakness of disposition. In the first place,
take the legal Wrangler at the top of his bent for talents, expe-
rience, acuteness, and wisdom ; and, at times, the " glorious
uncertainty of the law" throws him over the bridge, and all his
profundity goes for nothing.

You may also travel through the various grades of society,
step by step, and a thick volume would not be half large enough
to shew how men — who think themselves knowing, well in-
formed, up to every thing, armed at all points, and who not
only flatter themselves, but who often assert, with a self-ap-
proving smile, that if A. or B. can impose upon their under-
standing, they will forgive them — are cheated with the utmost
ease and simplicity.

The inveterate gambler, who lives by his wits — always cal-
culating, whether foul or fair, to reduce his winnings to a cer-
tainty ; goes to sleep with some new scheme in his head,
and his first thoughts, on rising in the morning, are to put his

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 67

well-laid plans into execution, arid success must be the result.
Yet, when he resorts to the table at night, with his mind made
up of unmeasured good fortune — confident to the echo — it has
often been seen that he has become one of the greatest flats and
victims, in consequence of his opponent having- found out what
is termed " a new pull," and of which he is as ignorant as
the veriest novice.

But one more instance will suffice: — A celebrated juggler,

the Sieur , highly distinguished for what is termed the

art of Legerdemain, or Hocus Pocus, exhibited some years ago
at Bartholomew Fair with immense success. His tricks with
the cards were astonishing ; his fame resounded from one
end of the Fair to the other ; and the general assertions were
that he dealt with, or had a patent from the " Old One ! " for
his diablerie ! In addition to his fame, as one of the Emperors
of Conjurors, he filled his pockets with cash ; and retired, at the
conclusion of the Fair, highly gratified with his exertions and
good fortune. However, a well-known gambler, at that period,
laid a plant for him ; he declared that the Sieur was a first-
rate conjuror, but that he had no more knowledge of games than
a mere child. This challenge had the desired effect : the Sieur
felt irritated at the threat thus to reduce his importance ; yet,
nevertheless, appeared to treat it with contempt — feeling con-
fidently that no man could more adroitly shift a card, palm a
deuce or tray, than he could. The Sieur immediately offered
to play at any game from a guinea to £100. The parties met ;
but, in the course of the night, the conjuror was not only laughed
at, but tricked out of every farthing that he possessed in the
world : at the same time, the Sieur well knew that he had been
cheated, bat he could not detect the pull of his opponent. These
are only the common, nay routine, circumstances which occur
every day in life with MEN ; but when a woman is the feature
— lovely woman — whose mere looks can conquer — whose eyes
speak volumes — whose tongue enchants — whose manners fas-
cinate— and whose figure enraptures — and for whom a ten
years siege was fought — some little allowance will be made
for the self-important Flourish — who had made up his mind in
the closet not to be subdued and overcome — who had also erected
himself into the hero in still life ; but in the public walks of
society proved, that, with all his boasted insight into human na-
ture, he was in reality nothing more than a mere novice.

Flourish, on recollecting himself, and recovering in some
degree from his stupor, the appointment with his brother Pil-
grims immediately flashed across his mind, and prepared him-
self to meet them at Richardson's Theatre in the Fair.

On his way towards this latter scene of confusion, he was
wrapt up in thought, cogitating on his singular adventure with
the Duchess. On reflection, he was astonished, delighted, yet
confounded, at such a mixture of behaviour — from pride and

68 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

haughtiness, at times, down to the extreme of vulgarity. It was
above his comprehension — he could not " make them out ! " Me
felt puzzled ; but still he entertained an opinion they were not
common sort of people ; and that, from their freedom of con-
versation on general topics, they had or did move in good circles
of society. And then their card — a high-sounding designation.
However, he would not decide on the conduct of the Duchess
and her daughters, until he had had another interview with them :
his judgment, he presumed, might then be more satisfactory, if
not correct. Until that period arrived, he was determined to be
as close as a pill-box, and " mum" in a great measure, to any
questions from Makemoney and his nephew, respecting their
general behaviour, his expences, and their place of abode.

During the time which occupied Flourish with the ladies,
Makemoney and Jem had not been idle spectators of the nume-
rous attractions which Greenwich presents to the visitors during
the holydays. Heroes are to be discovered in abundance, and
heroines out of number ; and we very much doubt whether the
" Carnival of Naples," highly as it has been spoken of by tra-
vellers, could compete with the varieties of fun, frolic, humour,
spree, adventures, and anecdotes, which are to be met with,
during a day's pleasure in the renowned Greenwich Park !

Distant objects are frequently highly coloured by travellers
to give them importance ; and we have heard mole-hills
magnified into huge mountains ! Here no gondolas are required
to heighten the delightful scene upon the Thames ; nor poignards
found necessary to revenge an insult — but wherries, filled with
well-dressed females and smart young men, all in eager antici-
pation to partake and enjoy the amusements at this peculiar
season of the year.

It is a fine field for observation ; and, to any thing like an
active mind, amusement is to be found from " peep o'day " until
the sun goes down. The middling and lower classes of society
are here seen to perfection without the aid of a microscope, and
the ENGLISH CHARACTER, in all its glowing colours, from youth
to extreme old age.

We are not aware that the watermen on the Thames have
any peculiar songs or airs connected with their occupations,
while the boatmen of other rivers abroad are said to be highly
distinguished for musical sounds by travellers ; nothing to com-
pete with Tasso and Ariosto: but here and there, in a row up
to Vauxhall or rdown to Greenwich, a few touching notes may
be heard to escape the lips of those watermen who have a taste
for music — what many persons call " snatches" — but truly na-
tional ! and of both a comic and serious description : —

" There was a waterman, one Jack Street,

Who used to ply along the Thames river ;
He had serv'd aboard his Majesty's fleet,
Pull away! yo-e-yo !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 69

He piy'd with sculls, a scull-cap wore,
And it was noticed how he swore :

Right foddi, viddi, voddi, pull away !

Right foddi, viddi, voddi, pull away !

" The Life of Poor Jack," " My Poll and my Partner Joe,"
and

" Did you not hear of a jolly young waterman,
Who at Blackfriars Bridge used for to ply," &c.

Not only the words, but the music also, from the peri of the
late Charles Dibdin, Esq., which tend to enliven the feelings to a
recollection of the brave deeds of our warlike countrymen ; and
equally as harmonious to the ear, if there are persons who can be
inclined to think that excellence may be produced in England,
without the passport of FOREIGN aid to be added to it. When
the above song's were first produced, they had such an effect upon
the feeling-s of the young- men, all over the country, that thou-
sands were induced to enter as volunteers in the navy. However,
we have one little point in our favor, connected with a British
composer,* which rather makes Englishmen feel that they have
something* National belonging1 to them, even in music : —

When the wind blows,
Then the mill goes !

equal to any thing- heard on the rivers, or canals abroad, where
delightful harmony is the subject in question.

Makemoney and Sprightly in their rambles through the park,
did not come in contact with Flourish and the ladies, being too
much occupied with their own pursuits. The nephew wished
his uncle to have a turn at ' Kiss in the Ring !' " You will
only have to run for it. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! and if it is not worth
fetching — it is not worth having !"

But the Old Gentleman, as he termed himself, thought it
would be rather out of character. " I may," said he, " look and
long, or look back to the days of my youth. No, no, it is too
late in the day for me to play at ' kiss in the ring/ but when you
are tired of the sport, you will find me in the enjoyment of my
pipe at yonder tavern."

" Be it so," replied Jem, st I have to thank you for your accom-
modation ; indeed, I must gratefully acknowledge you are at all
times anxious to afford me amusement. I will soon join
you ; as I shall require some refreshment after this pleasant ex-
ercise."

Sprightly joined the merry party with all the lively spirit and
wildness of a young- colt — he was all animation — his eyes were

* When Bishop was on the Continent, he met with the late Von Weber at a
party ; but the latter splendid musician could not recollect the name of the
former eminent English composer. However, in order to shew that the excellence
of Bishop's composition had a holdfast upon his mind — lie ran to a piano-forte in
the room, and began playing the air alluded to in the Miller and his Men. A
more truly gratifying compliment could not have been paid to any man of talent.

70 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

full of fire — he had the look of a gentleman — and very superior
altogether to. the young men who had congregated together upon
this occasion. He was not long before he received a slight touch
upon the back from one of the most lovely young females in the
group, as a pleasing indication to him, that he was to have the
pleasure of kissing her — if he caught the prize.

Sprightly answered the touch with the speed of a greyhound,
and he very soon made a capture of his fascinating challenger ;
but he did not stand upon the punctilios of the game — and
kissed o'er and o'er again, with the most ardent raptures which
beauty inspires, without the least opposition, nay, it should seem
they were more agreeable than otherwise. Upon entering the
ring- with his fair captive, he again imprinted a dozen or more
kisses on her lips — which called forth the remarks of a young
man rather in an angry tone, who had observed his attentions : —

" I think, sir," said he, " you are making rather too free with
the lips of that lady. One kiss, according to the rules of the
game, ought to have satisfied you/'

" I beg pardon, young man/' replied Sprightly, " there are
no rules laid down for kissing, that I ever heard of. One hun-
dred kisses would not have satisfied me, had it been left to my
choice. Indeed, I should never be satisfied with kissing such a
lovely pair of vermilion lips. But you are not the clerk of the
ring ! Then by what right have you to call me to account for
kissing the lady ?"

" By the best of all rights her husband \"

" Most undoubtedly," said Sprightly, " that alters the case ;
but if you will let your young and lovely wife, play at kiss in the
ring, why, all I can say is, you must take the consequences !
A wife of mine, if she was as ugly as ugliness itself, should
not play at kiss in the ring, either with or without my leave —
but for a divinity like yours "

This handsome compliment — elegant flourish — or piece of
well-timed flattery — call it what you will — not only appeared
to please, but raised the spirits of the young lady, who observed
— " La, my dear Charles, what a piece of fuss you are making
about a harmless kiss. The gentleman is not to blame in the
slightest degree. He has not acted rudely towards me ; but on
the contrary, polite and genteel more than otherwise. We both
complied with the rules of the game. Nothing else ! I touched
him — he followed me — and after all, it is nothing more than a
' chaste salute !' And considered all fair — at fair time. There-
fore, do not be jealous, my love, about such trifles !"

(( Trifles !" muttered her husband, " I beg you will quit the
ring immediately, Fanny. Such trifles may lead to "

" I shall not quit the ring, sir, without you give up the game
too ! Such remarks are uncalled for ; and let me warn you,
Charles, not to be jealous without a cause. I am sure I saw you
kiss a female eight or ten times ; nay, you seemed as if you could

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 71

have devoured her lips ! In truth, you acted more like a lover
than a married man! You compel me to forget myself."

" My sweet young* lady," said Sprightly, " let me beg pardon,
I have been the innocent cause of this little unpleasantness
between you : depend upon it, sir, 1 will not offend again. I
will not kiss your pretty wife any more."

" There is no offence in it at all, sir," replied the lady, " you
are not to blame ; therefore no apology is necessary. If my
husband did not think it wrong in the first instance, why did
he ask me to join the sport ? You need not "

" No more, Fanny," said her husband, sharply. " I wish you
a good day, sir," and putting his wife under his arm, he walked
off at a smart pace to another part of the Park.

Sprightly appeared quite pleased that the above little fracas
had terminated so quietly ; and turning on his heel, began to sing
to himself the last part of the well-known beautiful glee on this
subject: —

May his soul rest in heaven !

He deserv'd it, I'm sure —

Who was first the inventorof kissing !

Sprightly soon joined his uncle, and upon his relating the
above adventure to him ; Makemoney observed — " Aye, my boy,
you see the danger attached to kissing other men's wives —
whether by accident or design ; therefore, avoid it in future !
Private property, you know,[ought always to be respected ; land-
marks claim attention at all times ; and there are boundaries to
all things ! A young married female may be compared to a
tinder-box — a spark is likely to make it burst into a blaze ; and
fire often proves our master ! Then do not become a Lucifer —
Ha ! ha ! ha !"

Sprightly made no reply ; but he had scarcely seated him-
self, when the music, and lots of fine girls engaged in the dance,
in another part of the tavern appropriated for the votaries of
Terpsichore, attracted his attention.

" You must excuse me, uncle," said he, " I should like to have
only one dance, and when your pipe is out, give me a call, and
I will attend your summons immediately ; or, perhaps, if it was
not deemed so vulgar, (as the cant is, that they do these things
better in France,) you might have been inclined to have
had a step or two, upon the old English system, — ' hail fellow,
well met.'"

" My dancing days, I am rather afraid, my boy, are nearly, if
not quite over," replied Makemoney; " if I even felt disposed to
join the gay throng. The hilarity of the scene is delightful ; and
the dancing altogether considerably better than I expected to
witness at a fair ; indeed, some of the females would not
disgrace a Ball Room ; therefore, I must insist upon it, that they
cannot do these things better in France ! They might have done
so when STERNE made the assertion, some sixty or seventy years

72 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

ago, but since that period the English people have made such
rapid improvements in every subject connected with ease, ele-
gance, and the Fine Arts, that it becomes a question with me
whether we are a jot behind them in such parties as are to be
seen tripping- it away on the light fantastic toe in holiday time !
They have their manner of doing things, and we have our mode.
But the cry is against us, I must admit, with a travelled few,
who wish to have something foreign for breakfast — foreign for
dinner — foreign for tea — and foreign for supper, in order to as-
sume an importance, which they do not possess — to call it judg-
ment would be a perversion of the phrase/'

" Bravo, my uncle, I am delighted with your love of country
— your anxiety to do it justice," said Sprightly ; " and no
one will deny but that you are an Englishman from the crown of
your head to the sole of your foot."

" The fact is, they can do nothing better in France than we
can in England," observed Makemoney ; " I may be laughed at,
I am aware, for this display of nationality — but let us scan our
amusements only : — the French never had such a singer as the
late Charles Incledon ; and again, it would puzzle them to find
such a vocalist as Mr. Braham. We'll leave the wooden walls
and those fellows that wear the blue shirts out of the question !
Ha ! ha ! ha !

" And if Sterne could pop his head out of his tomb at the
present moment, he would proudly acknowledge the great im-
provement and change of circumstances which have taken place
for the better, since he penned his Sentimental Journey !

" Their Opera dancers (my judgment may be treated with
contempt) may have a feather in weight the advantage of us ;
but, nevertheless, Oscar Byrne perfectly satisfied them on their
own boards in Paris, that he well knew the use of his feet as a
dancer of the first quality ! Ducrow, in the Circle at Franconi's,
extorted from them the exclamations of Bravo ! and Superbe !
and T. P. Cooke, in the beautiful monster, as they termed his
personification of that imaginary being, obtained their applause
as a touch of the magnificent ! As a climax — our Vestris, who
relies on her HEAD instead of her heels ; I have great doubts
whether it is possible that Madame can be rivalled in any
shape or degree ; but to be excelled is entirely out of the ques-
tion ! Yet I am ready to pay every respect and deference to the
French nation as a great people — masters of the art of war as
soldiers — and well skilled in all the sciences, literature, &c.
But that they do things better in France, perish the thought !
For myself, I never did, nor I never will harbour such an idea.

" Be on your guard respecting ' the Sisterhood ; ' —
they appear to have mustered very strongly upon this occasion ;
but, to be sure, holiday time is their harvest ; — however, they
are dangerous articles at all times to young men, when flushed
with the juice of the grape, and the fascinating dance!"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 73

** Never fear, sir/' replied Sprightly ; " your advice is well
meant — but those sort of ' characters ' never claim my attention ;
— the term may be harsh, I admit — but I loathe and detest the
name of a prostitute — they cease to be women in my estimation.
A female who can forget what is due to her sex, I — "

" Not so fast, my boy/' observed Makemoney ; " Virtue I
admire ; I have the highest veneration for Chastity in a female ;
and propriety of conduct is above all other considerations.
I never can become the apologist for vice in any shape — but it is
the CAUSE — and I feel more inclined, five times out of six, to
pity than harshly condemn unfortunate creatures, without know-
ing the CAUSE of their deviating from the paths of rectitude, and
rushing headlofag, as it were, into destruction. I repeat, be on
your guard "

" I am no Joseph, uncle !" said Sprightly , " neither do I
boast of more propriety of conduct than other young men ;
* gay women/ to my feelings, are a perfect annoyance ! There-
fore, I am prepared against rude or vulgar attacks that may
be made upon me ; or, any artful stratagem laid to attract my
attention/'

" I shall be glad to find it so, my boy — Ha ! ha ! ha ! I have
often found that 'great talkers' do the least/' said Makemoney ;
" yet your notions are formed on the right basis."

" In any mixed company, but more especially an assemblage
of persons at a hop at Greenwich Fair ! Etiquette is entirely lost
sight of — and character not an object of enquiry ! Duels are not
likely to take place on account of the introduction of improper
persons ; although a row— a disfigured nose — and a black eye,
might be the result of a visit to them, by being rather too atten-
tive to the partner of another man." However, Sprightly had
made up his mind not to be drawn aside by the glances of the
gay creatures ; but he did not give his word and honour that he
would be as cold as ice to females of another description, who
might be inclined to sport a toe in the all-inviting dance.

One, two, nay three, dances did not satisfy the high-spirited
Sprightly ; but, nevertheless, when the signal was given to de-
part, he kept his word, although with a sort of reluctance.

" I think I never saw so sweet a girl before in the whole course
of my life — a perfect rose in full bloom, and smelt as sweet — it
is true, upon my honor, uncle. I was over head and ears in love
in a minute, and I was rude enough to gaze on her till she was
out of countenance ; nay, more, I was so fascinated that I at-
tempted to praise her, and would have taken hold of her hand,
but she repulsed me ; and her suitor, I suppose, coming up to
ask what was the matter, she blushingly answered, « Nothing !'
Otherwise, I might have got into another row, and likely to have
been punished for my insolence. However, luckily, you called
me at the instant, or else perhaps I might have lost sight of the

L

74 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

bounds of discretion. But you know, uncle, what Filch sing's
in the Beggar's Opera : —

' Tis woman that seduces all mankind,

By her we first were taught the wheedling arts :

Her very eyes can cheat ; when most she is kind,

She tricks us of our money — with our hearts ! '

But, thank my stars, I have escaped. I would not come in con-
tact again with her eyes for a trifle ! I am afraid my resolution
would not be good for much ! I never saw such eyes before — I
was positively rivetted to the spot ! I shall never forget her
glances — they electrified my very heart, and I feel it there
now "

" Electrified! a fiddle-de-dee \" replied his uncle, laughing ;
" why you are quite in the heroics ! I am afraid, from your
conversation, the glass or two of wine you have drank has raised
your spirits above fever-proof — your pulse must be high indeed.
Venus! Juno! Cleopatra! all eclipsed in a dancing-booth at
Greenwich Fair ! Psha ! You had better try the effects of a
glass of soda-water to restore you to a state of convalescence,
that we may go and keep our appointment with Flourish/'

" True/' said Jem ; " I should not like Flourish to have the
laugh against me, as I well recollect his admonitions at a former
period. * Tis weakness of mind,' said he, < and badness of taste.
Horrible ! horrible ! my dear Jem, don't think of it. In matters
of love you must be as cold as ice — feeling must be always ba-
nished in such cases, and remain at freezing point — and then he-
sitate before you make up your mind on matters connected with
love. They only are lunatics who are violently in love — 'tis a
species of madness, make the best of it.' Therefore, I should
not like to encounter any of his sneers upon the subject."

It was now draw ng near the hour of appointment to meet
Flourish at Richardson's, and they had only a few minutes to
spare to keep accurately their time : in consequence of which
they hurried forwards to the gate to quit the Park, and were
soon enveloped, before they were aware of it, in a dense crowd
of persons, all directed towards the same object ; but they ap-
peared not to move an inch towards gaining the public road.
The screams of the women, rows, and noise, were quite annoy-
ing to all the ears of the persons engaged in this pushing sort
of contest.

" Don't push so," said, to all appearance, a very genteel young
man ; " it is all useless."

" Why," answered another person, " its this fat fellow here,
big enoug-h for three people," alluding to Makemoney ; " some
brewer's servant in disguise, who has borrowed his master's
clothes on the sly, to cut a bounce in the Park for a day ; but
it won't do for us — such porpoises should stay at home, and not
annoy other people with their ponderous bulk ! "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 75

" You are a rascally impertinent fellow," said Makemoney,
almost gasping for breath ; " and if I had you in my ward I
would commit you for your insolence."

"OLord!" said a woman, "I shall be killed !— for God's
sake, let me out : I shall be squeezed as flat as a pancake/*

" Squeezed ! I believe you," said an elegantly dressed young-
fellow ; " it is this giant of a chap that does all the mischief.
He is a second Daniel Lambert ! D — n me, but he'd squeeze
St. Paul's into a nutshell — he is a walking- flatting- mill. What a
fine assistance he'd be to Macadamise the roads — he would do
the work of fifty men ! t will recommend him to the Com-
missioners."

" Aye do, my dear fellow/' observed a man in the g-arb of a
quaker, " recommend him to any body, so that we may g-et rid
of him ; if the beast remains any long-er with us we shall all be
reduced to a jelly — I have lost several pounds weight already.
He has no more feeling than a horse, and rides over people as if
they were nothing more than stones."

" Beast !" echoed Makemoney, " is it come to this, that a
gentleman is to be abused in such a manner, and have no means
of redress ? Only let me get out of this mob, and I'll have one
or two of you blackguards before the magistrates to answer for
such infamous conduct."

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" resounded from one end of the crowd to the
other. " Will no person have the kindness to remove the ele-
phant ? but never mind, his keepers will soon be after him. I
wonder the men at the gate did not refuse such an overgrown
animal admittance."

Makemoney became violently incensed at these remarks be-
yond all endurauce : he was hemmed in on all sides ; and, just
as he was about making a desperate effort to shew his anger, he
received a tremendous blow on his hat, which drove it down
over his eyes, and hindered him from seeing ; and he could not
get up his hands to remove the obstruction. His nephew was
equally in as bad a situation, and covered with perspiration, from
the intense heat of the crowd, when he cried out, " Thieves !
thieves ! Police ! "

" Here's another troublesome fellow," observed a decent old
man ; " but I suppose it is to answer his purpose — picking
pockets."

" Picking pockets !" exclaimed Sprightly, in a violent rage.
" How dare you, scoundrel, to charge me with such a crime ! If
I was near you, for your villanous assertion, I would annihilate
you ! Do I look like a thief?"

" What do I care for your looks," answered a ruffianly sort
of fellow ; " but if looks are taken into account — then I say, at
all events, that you do look more like a thief than a horse ! You
need not give yourself any airs ! Do you suppose any person
here cares a farthing for your upstart consequence ?"

76 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

The whole of the crowd were covered with dust, and no
remedy at hand, until the officers of justice routed the phalanx ;
when Makemoney and his nephewr, quite exhausted, made their
way into the street. Upon getting" into the air, they both sat
down, puffing* and blowing* like broken-winded horses ; and
Makemoney was a few minutes before he could recover his
breath.

" I hope you have not lost any thing-, sir/' observed one of
the policemen, " as you appeared to me to have been surrounded
by some suspicious characters."

" Eg-ad," replied Makemoney, " I never thought of that : in
fact, I was more afraid of suffocation than any thing- else — I
could not draw my breath — and the insolence I received from
several rascals, that I never thoug-ht any thing- about my property.
However, I will now look after it." On feeling- his fob-pocket,
a cold sweat came over his face in an instant, when he replied,
with astonishment, " It's gone ! "

" Gone !— What's gone, uncle ?"

" My gold watch and seals ! Oh, the rascals ! Was there
ever such a set of deep villains in the world," said Makemoney ;
" 1 had no idea of it."

" You had better search, and see if your money is all right,"
answered the officer.

" Do not frighten me to death," said Makemoney. " Indeed,
I am almost afraid to look into my pockets." On searching
them — " That is gone too, purse and all. Well, I am surprised,
I must admit ; as it appeared to me that I was surrounded by
nothing else but genteel company — gentlemen eager to get
through the gate. Thieves never entered my head. However,
it will be a lesson to me, and I shall know better how to act
another time."

"Yes," replied the officer, " some of the SWELL MOB were
at work, I have no doubt ; and it is by their elegant appearance
they are enabled the better to carry on their depredations. They
would deceive a conjuror — they are up to so many tricks and
fancies."

After the agitation of the moment had subsided a little,
Makemoney said to his nephew, " Jem, I hope you have uot lost
anything ! They had not to complain of your bulk annoying
them. Let us hear."

" I will see, sir ; but my paying attention to you, I have not
thought about the matter ; but no doubt I am safe enough.
I should say, it was impossible to rob me ! I have been in
numerous crowds upon various occasions, but I never lost a far-
thing in the whole course of my life!"

" Don't make too sure," answered Makemoney ; " neither
young nor old escape the swell mob, I suppose ?" to the
policeman.

" Why," replied the officer, " they are not particular in that

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 77

respect — all is fish that comes to net : they never let a chance
go by them."

On searching- his pockets, the nephew, in a violent rage, ex-
claimed, " By G-d, I have lost my pocket-book, notes, memo-
randums, &c., and all my loose cash. I thought, now I recollect
it, I felt a sort of tugging at my pockets ; hut I did not suspect
I was being- robbed/'

" There has been no tugging, sir," said the policeman ; " you
may perceive your coat has been cut with a sharp instrument.
You could not have felt it."

" Then I am not the only victim ! " answered Makemoney,
half inclined to smile and be jocose about his loss ; " we now
are poor Pilgrims, indeed ! without money, it is true, but not
without a home. Therefore, it might have been worse ; and
the best thing we can do is to put a good face upon the matter,
and try to forget the circumstance as soon as possible."

" You, sir, are a rich man," replied Jem, " and the loss, I
am aware, is a more aggravating sort of thing than the
actual value you have been robbed of ; but to me it is of a more
serious nature, being entirely dependant on your bounty. It is,
notwithstanding, truly mortifying to be served out in such a
manner, without the slightest chance of recovering the property
lost, because the thief or thieves are unknown to either of us.

" Never mind, Jem," said Makemoney, " you shall be none
the worse for it." On searching his pockets once more — " Come,
come," said he, " the rogues have not been quite so treacherous
as I expected — they have not taken all I had. I find I have
got a couple of sovereigns safe in my waistcoat ; and we shall
see Flourish soon, and I know he has always plenty of money
about him ; therefore, we cannot be at a loss to carry on the
Pilgrimage. So let us imitate JOB — be patient under our suffer-
ings— put up with our losses, and like stoics — shew a merry
face — that Flourish may not have the laugh against us, and meet
him with all the fun and good humour attached to our character,
as if nothing had happened."

" There is nothing like philosophy in this life, sir," answered
Jem, " I am convinced ; and silence also is the best friend a man
can have on his side, if he knows how to turn it to his advan-
tage : therefore, I once more urge silence, sir, when you see
Flourish."

" Your advice is good," replied his uncle, " and respecting
our loss, I shall be as close as a pill box !"

/8 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER VII.

The Snwr FOLKS ! Talents outside of the Theatre ; or,

to " pull 'em in !" An original Comic Song, embellished
with patois, but quite in character ,- and a word or two
respecting the chances and {profession of an Actor.
Recollections of the late MUSTER RICHARDSON, entitled
to RECORD, according to the INTRINSIC value set upon
mankind by a great public writer. The miseries attached
to Strollers sixty years ago. The dangers of a double-
bedded apartment ! The serious effects from too much
learning — the light headed PIG to wit — a caution to
Students. A glance at the CHOICE SPIRITS of the olden
times — Players, Poets, Painters, Authors, Sfc.

Praising what is lost

Makes the remembrance more dear !

The late EDMUND KEAN and the Show Folks — his flatter-
ing reception at the Court of George the Third — Talent
will make its way. A wet scene ; or^ too much of water
aadst thou, OXBERRY ! The flight of Ducks ! a singular
adventure. How to avoid an Act of Parliament : a Play
Bill for Dummies ! Liberal Traits of the late Mrs.
JORDAN — more anon. Comparisons (not odious) between
the illustrious JOHN KEMBLE, of classical notoriety, and
the matter-of-fact Showman. Hear, and decide ! A few
sentences by way of EPITAPH — a trifling remembrance to
the memory of the late Muster Richardson : —

Praises on tombs are trifles vainly spent.

MAKEMONEY and Sprightly now made towards the fair with all
the haste in their power; and after encountering- a good deal of
bustle and pushing against the holyday people in the streets,
who all appeared to be in a great hurry, they arrived amongst
the show folks : —

Behold the Fair !

Crowded to excess with smiling, joyous
Faces ! And a glorious scene of noise,
Bustle, and confusion, from one end
Of it to the other ! With ev'ry thing
To attract the eye, please the fancy, and
Amuse the mind! A complete picture of
A free people — rude independence to
The echo ! Pushing and jostling along
With that prevailing spirit of freedom
Inherent in the breasts of Englishmen :
JACK with his JILL, and in thought of value
Equal to the richest man in the Fair !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 79

Rank entirely out of the question !
Such are the feelings of Britons. Hear the
Rival Clowns challenging each other for
A battle of brains ! The loud laugh ! Huzzas
Of the crowd at the quaint sayings — funny
Faces — and salt-box tricks of the old
Mountebanks. Valk up! Valkup! The Players
Are here, by the King's permission, to
Amuse his kind, loving subjects, at this
Particular season of the year, and
No mistake ! Come, my worthy Masters and
Mistresses, lose no time, if you wish to
See and hear the unknown conjuror
From the other side of the world, who
Can make every hair of your head as
Thick as a broomstick, by the touch of his
Magic wand — if you don't obey his call !
Hallo ! Hallo ! Here's the lamed
Pig, who can tell more with his feet than all
The Nobs put together at the high-bred
Universities with their heads ! Only
Come and see ! Look out ! Look out ! Wonders will
Never cease ! There never wos such times as
These are ! Open your eyes, and pick your ears —
This is the booth that contains the only
Man Salamander in the world, who can
Whop the Fire King into shivers ! He is
Employed by the Steam Navigation
For the next five hundred years — because his
Breath is hotter than any fiery
Furnace! He can propel six steam vessels
At once, by the movement of his tongue !
Come up here ! Come up here ! And see the horse
That can beat the celebrated TAGLIONI
For stepping out — and give that prime piece of
Furniture any thing she asks. All the
Zoologicals are mad to get him : But
They won't ! ' Go-it-along ' isn't to be had !
Here, my little boys and girls, come and take
A peep, and see what you can see ! You can't
Lay out a halfpenny better to improve
Your mind, and become acquainted with rich
Historical facts against you ' come out'
In life ! Look and behold, on the left side
Of the picture, the weeping willow which
O'erhangs the tomb of the great Napoleon
At St. Helena ! and then torn your eyes
To the right, and view the splendid
Monument in St. George's Chapel, Windsor,
Erected to the late Princess Charlotte,
Shewing you " to this complexion you
Must come at last !" Never mind such epitaphs-
Have a swing ? Exercise is the thing for
Health — so, lose no time, but up you go ! What
A pity it is, this Carnival lasts
Only for three days ! A severe blow to
The FUNNIMENTS of LONDON— so full of
Whim, frolic, uproar, noise, row, mirth, and good
Humour ! Well calculated to disperse
The ' Blue Devils,' and please mankind — at the
End of which it becomes like the baseless

80 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Fabric of a vision — touch and go —
Until Time flies to give another Fair
A local habitation !

They had scarcely ascended the platform at Richardson's
Theatre, when Flourish appeared close at their heels. " Well,
my boy," said Makemoney, " 1 am glad to see you again, and
may now assert, that we PILGRIMS are once more complete. I
hope, Flourish, yon have had a pleasant afternoon of it — the
company of the ladies truly felicitous — and that you have also
parted with them pleasant and happy ? Protestations of love !
— friendship without interest ; and all that sort of thing-, which
hang's upon the lips of a man of fashion and gallantry, when
bidding adieu, or taking- farewell of ladies."

" Why, sir, that is not exactly the real state of the case,"
said Flourish, " I hope I shall never lose sight of true gallantry,
or that kind of attention and politeness, which are at all times
due to ladies. But you are quite aware that I should not have
left your excellent company, and also that of your nephew, but
I have the poet's excuse for it : —

When a lady's in the case,

All other things must give place !

Therefore, on the score of politeness, I strolled about the park
with them for an hour or more ; when I took a most respectful
leave of the Duchess and her two daughters ; but with no re-
newal of another meeting — no protestations of love — nor any
thing else, that could induce them to suppose, that I was anxi-
ous to meet again ! No, no — I am not to be caught with
shadows — fine clothes and outside show are " trifles light as
air" with me, although, I must admit, their society was delight-
ful ; and upon all the different topics of the day, they were truly
eloquent — literature, music, the fine arts, fashion, &c. But
Frank Flourish, however the term may be reproachful — is a
more calculating sort of fellow ! ' He looks before he leaps !' "

- " Bravo, Frank/' observed Jem, " bad taste on your part was
impossible ! and weakness of mind entirely out of the question !
Cold as ice ! — Freezing point ! — Love is madness ! — Lunatics
only are in love ! — Ha ! ha ! I know, (winking his eye to his
uncle,) you was the lad not to be had. Frank Flourish is too
well read in the ways of the world, to be picked up as a flat !"

" Enough of this," replied Flourish, half nettled at the echo
of his former advice. " Let us know how you have passed
your time in my absence. I have no doubt but it was very
methodical ?"

" Methodical, indeed! and let me tell you, Frank, there was
nothing like method about it !" said Jem. " On the contrary,
it was all gaiety, and the spur of the moment. l Kissing in the
Ring' was one of the delightful movements on the turf ; but
nevertheless, I could not persuade my uncle to enter into the
pleasures of the game.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 81

<l Then dancing, with the merriest group of young- men and
women I ever witnessed — no master of the ceremonies to con-
trol one's choice, and etiquette not known. A glass or two of
wine, to exhilarate our spirits, laughing at all sorts of merri-
ment which crossed our path — I own we were not dull a minute —
all jollity and happiness, while my uncle took his grog, and
cogitated pleasantly over his pipe.

" But I should have liked to have had your opinion of one of
the loveliest females I ever saw in the course of my travels —
that is to say, to my fancy ! A perfect divinity ! — an angel ! —
in truth, she was of so superior a caste, that I want words to
describe her attractive appearance ; and I do insist, the Haidee
of Lord Byron did not surpass her in beauty ; but I have lost
sight of her for ever : —

Round her she made an atmosphere of life,

The very air seem'd lighter from her eyes,
They were so soft and beautiful, and rife

With all we can imagine of the skies,
And pure as Psyche ere she grew a wife,

Too pure even for the purest human lies;
Her overpowering presence made you feel,
It would not be IDOLATRY to KNEEL ! "

" Stop, stop, my dear Jem, you must have been drinking—
this is too inflated, for any thing like a rational being who walks
abroad with his eyes wide open," observed Flourish ; " there is
no time to be lost — I must prescribe for you — therefore, bleeding
without delay, is the first step that must be taken — salts, ice
cream, cold baths, nay, every thing that is cold, must be ad-
ministered— you are in a high fever — you will become danger-
ous, and must have a keeper, or else a strait-waistcoat, if
something is not done to turn the course of your thoughts.

" I am positively alarmed for your safety! — Your brains must
be in an uproar, and if a change does not take place, every hair
on your head must come off! You, Jem Sprightly, the once
decent, well-behaved, solid, discreet, envied, and to be copied
young man ! Impossible ! — you are bewitched !"

" Hold, hold, I say, hold, Flourish !" urged Makemoney, '*. or
else I shall think that you have been making too free with the
bottle, if I may judge from your discourse ; therefore, let us lose
no more time on such nonsense — downright stuff ! But listen to
what 1 have got to propose to you both ^ the last ten minutes
has been positively trifled away — so let us display something-
like common sense/'

" Excuse me, sir," answered Frank, <e I scorn to give you the
slightest offence ; but, I believe, you never had time to become
acquainted with the ' tender passion !' and that accounts for
your remarks upon it ; but, nevertheless, I am always ready to
acquiesce in any thing you may propose — as I feel rather anxious
to finish the day in a style worthy of jolly PILGRIMS \"

This conversation was interrupted by a man, dressed for the

M

8'2 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

purpose, on the platform of Richardson's Show, haranguing- the
mob outside, and throwing- bills among-st them : — " Look this
way — look here— and behold the classical ground of the Fair —
and leave the shows of the wild beasts for the enjoyment of the
Chaw-bacons ! the Yokels ! the Clod-hoppers ! the Johnny
Raws ! and the Know-nothing-s ! 'Tis here we have a splendid
treat for the men of sense — we are patronised by the House of
Peers, for our eleg-ance of appearance and style ; and supported
by the Members of Parliament, for our good diction and elocu-
tion ! Only ask them ! when they will report progress, and tell
you, by their Speaker, that half an hour spent under our roof is
worth more than six months' ease, lolling- on a sofa, and de-
voured by ennui ! We are not the growth of a day ! I beg- you
will take into your consideration, in the first instance, we
are the descendants of the great Roscius, almost as long- ag-o
when Adam was a little boy : in addition to which, let me re-
fresh your memories, that we are likewise related to the great
Shakspeare, who lived in the reig-n of Queen Elizabeth, and who
was hand and g-love with our immortal bard : also with
the Congreves — the Otways — the Cibbers — Ben Jonson — Beau-
mont and Fletcher — down to more modern times ; when the
illustrious Brinsley Sheridan flourished with his brilliant pen, for
the amusement of society — succeeded by the inimitable Sheridan
Knowles, of the present day. We rise with the lark, and
every minute of our time is devoted to study, in order to please
and gratify the public. Then, I say, — Walk-up, walk up,
walk-up, ladies and g-entlemen ! — The players — the players are
here, and no mistake ; we are not mountebanks ! No, nor fellows
with cups and balls, to cheat your eyes and pick your pockets.
Ours is the leg-itimate drama ! — trag-edy, comedy, opera, melo-
drame, farce, song-, dance, &c.

" It is our forte to interest the mind — please the fancy — raise
the spirits — and drive ' DULL CARE ' to his hiding- place : there-
fore, we can enact ' Othello,' for those persons who prefer Tra-
g-edy ; and ' John Bull/ for the Comedy folks ; ' Love in a
Village/ for the Opera customers ; the ' Tower of Nesle,' for
excitement and melo-dramatic minds ; < Hig-h Life below Stairs,'
for the lovers of Farce ; the ' Twopenny Postman/ for the ad-
mirers of comic sing-ing- ; Pantomime, for the young- folks — the
juvenile part of the audience, who like to witness the capers
and ag-ility of Harlequin, the graceful attitudes of Columbine,
and the fun and humour produced by the grimaces of the Pan-
taloon and Clown ; and for the TAGLIONI'S — the followers of
Terpsichore — we can give them sixteen, and then dance all the
breath out of their bodies afterwards !

" I should like to know what we can't do ! * Why, we can
draw/ as Shakspeare says, ' spirits from the vasty deep ! ' I
call your attention only to look at the company — view them as
they pass up and down the parade ; and, independant of their

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 83

manly forms and exquisite shapes, you will perceive talent
strongly developed in all their countenances — persons of im-
mense abilities — men of superior mind — and females of intellect
and character — none of your slip-slop sort of the sex, who can
only make tea and coffee ,- but females that might challenge the
collection of beauties at Windsor Castle — not for that distin-
guished trait alone : no — I say no — as we are all aware that
beauty is but skin-deep !

" But do not take my word. Come in to the Theatre, and see
them perform, and then you will be able to judge for yourselves.
Our manager is an old stager in the service of the public, and
he has got at his fingers' ends a due knowledge of taste, so as
to be able to please all palates. We can either extort the sym-
pathetic tear, or produce roars of laughter ; and, as a test of the
excellence of the company, the applause which has been be-
stowed upon their exertions has repeatedly shook the walls of
the Theatre ; but we don't mind trifles — we live upon applause
— it is our delight and support — nay, more, it is meat, drink,
washing, and lodging, to us, who are patronized by the public.

" I state thus much only to point out to you, ladies and gen-
tlemen, what ' great creatures ' belong to our stage ! and bear
in mind our liberality, that we charge you nothing for looking
at them as they pass in review, on the good old principle, of
' taste before you buy ! '

" Drury Lane Theatre, I admit, is a much larger place of
amusement, but we are multum in parvo ; that is to say, my
worthy masters and mistresses, who do not understand University
learning, means, ' much in little.' Here you can see and hear
without the aid of magnifying glasses : ours is the true school
for performers — deny it who dare. The greatest actor on the
English stage was brought out by Muster Richardson — think of
that, ladies and gentlemen — and also remember there is only
ONE Muster Richardson in the dramatic line ; therefore, what is
due to Muster Richardson, render unto Muster Richardson.

" Our wardrobe is superior, in point of real value, to any of
the Theatres ; and our scenery will bear the strictest scrutiny for
excellence ; the greatest painters of the day having been engaged
to give it beauty and effect. And if the specimen which I have
given to you, in rearing one of the greatest actors on the stage,
is not enough to convince you of our superiority of talent, I will
open all the doors and let you in gratis — which means, nothing !

" Then do not lose your valuable time ; let me impress upon
you riot to be too late, if you wish to procure good seats, and to
have your minds enlightened. So I repeat — ' Walk up ! walk
up, ladies and gentlemen: the players — the players are here!
Allow me, sir (to Makemoney) the honor of presenting you
with a bill of the performances, in which you will find chapter
and verse for all that I have asserted — besides the prices of ad-
mission, the names and characters of the performers, &c. &c. ;
and 1 flatter myself we shall have your generous patronage : —

84 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

A CHANGE OF PERFORMANCE EACH DAY.

RICHARDS olT^ THEATRE,

This day will be presented a New Grand Melo-Drama, with
New Scenery, Dresses, Properties, &c., entitled The

MURDERER'S BRIDE;

OR, THE HOUR OF TRIAL.

Appius Claudius (a Decemvir) Mr. COOPER.
Lucius Julious (Nephew of Appius, in love with Virg-inia),

Mr. SMITH.
Siccius Dentatus (Father of Virginia), Mr. GROVE.

Publius (a Roman Officer), Mr. LEWIS.

Officers, Guards, Banner Bearers, &c. &c.

Virg-inia - (Betrothed to Julious) Mrs. SMITH.

Spectre of the Murdered Lucretia, Miss WALTON.

In the course of the Piece,

A Variety of Splendid Scenery by the First Artists.

The Piece concludes with the

DISCOVERY OF THE REAL ASSASSIN, AND THE
DEATH OF APPIUS CLAUDIUS.

The Entertainments to conclude with a new Comic Harlequinade,
with new Scenery, Tricks, Dresses, and Decorations, called

HARLEQUIN FAUSTUS !

OR, THE DEVIL WILL HAVE HIS OWN.

Luciferno, Mr. THOMAS.
Daemon Amonzor, afterwards Pantaloon, Mr. WILKINSON.

Daemon Ziokos, after Clown, Mr. HAYWARD.
Violoncello Player, Mr. Hartem. Baker, Mr. Thompson.

Landlord, Mr. Wilkins. Fisherman, Mr. Rae.
Doctor Fanstus - (afterwards Harlequin) - Mr. S ALTER.

Adelada (afterwards Columbine), Miss WILMOT.

Attendant Daemons, Sprites, Fairies, Ballad Singers, Flower

Girls, &c. &c. &c.

The Pantomime will finish with

A SPLENDID PANORAMA,

Painted by the first Artists.
Boxes, %s. Pit, Is. Gallery, 6cl. [Romney, Printer, Lambeth

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 85

" Who can refuse to witness the performance of the above
veteran's company of comedians," said Makemoney, " after such
an eloquent appeal to the lovers of theatrical amusement ? — so
let us go in and take our seats."

" Do you think there is any truth in what that fellow has as-
serted about a late distinguished actor ? " observed Flourish ;
" or is it what they term gag, done with the intent to humbug
the people at the Fair. He has certainly got the gift of speech.
I do not think any of T. P. Cooke's ' yarns,' as they are called,
were ever better spun out. I never heard a fellow lay it on so
thick — he would almost make you believe the moon was made
of green cheese ; yet he seemed to please the crowd, who not
only laughed heartily at his remarks, but loudly applauded his
exertion."

" Although the speech seems to be spontaneous, and a sort of
extempore oration," replied Makemoney, " yet he is well studied
in it ; and he repeats it perhaps fifty times a day without deviating
a single word. It is a complete piece of mechanism ; but then
the great art of delivering it is, to give it the appearance of
reality emanating from the ebullition of the moment. The man
was certainly correct about that great actor once being a mem-
ber of Richardson's Company. Although such speeches are
generally full of romance, yet they are not destitute of humour
and talent, and I never thought my time lost in listening to
them."

" Well, then," said Sprghtly, " let us go in and have a taste of
their quality ; we can easily leave the Theatre if we disapprove
of the performances. Besides, I am very partial to a comic
song."

Makemoney, Flourish, and Jem, were liberal with their ap-
plause, and were highly delighted with the following comic
chant, called " The Strolling Ballad-Singer turned Manager/'

My history should you like to know,
I'll tell it off like criss-cross row —
A chanter once ! it was my fate,
But now I'm like a man of state,
For I've got a snug theatre !
Of various booths I'm now Lessee,
The blunt is down — I've paid the fee —
Oh ! I tipt it to them all in screens,
Or else I couldn't get the scenes, —
O to make a pretty feature :
So now, Mr. Chant,
Is become quite gallant —
And known as a " Great Creature," &c.

[SPOKEN.] Enter Mr. Multum-in-parvo ! so he is called by my first author — .
meaning, to do every thing in no time at all. I believe it is from the Greek— but
we will not stand upon trifles ! He has got COMEDY on one side of his face, and
TRAGEDY on the other ; and MELLOW-DRAM in his stomach ! His stomach is
prodigious! You are fond of a dram, an't you Multum ? [MuLTUM. Yes, most
noble Don, it gives spirits to my /tacting!] He has got Uproar in his belly ; no,
no, Comic Opera, I mean, and Pantomime in his legs. He is engaged to laugh, or

86 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

cry according to my orders. He can laugh for a fortnight, without being out of
breath ! and cry for a month without shedding a tear. The whole mob of
ROSCIUSSES put together — male and female, are not a patch against my Multum.
The great theatres have offered more cash for him than would fill the Bank of
England to get him from me ; but Multum is engaged to me during his whole
natural life, and a day after it ; but all their tricks won't do at any price— he is
above Price — and he shan't go at NO PRICE! When the weather is dull, and cus-
tomers wanting at my theatre, why, I make him laugh the whole of the day, and
when the sun shines, then he cries by way of contrast, to shew the spectators his
talents; which makes the people outside Ifiugh, and makes me laugh because we
pull them in.

So now you see, Mr. Chant,
Is become quite gallant,
And known as " a Great Creature !*'

Yes, Authors now pay me great court,
The newspapers do me report !
Such lots of actors — a precious bore,
And musicians by the score !
Bow-ing at my theatre !
With Harlequins and Pantaloons,
And mobs of girls " come, buy my brooms I"
Tight rope dancers — and all " The Graces !"
The public jostling for good places !
O 'tis such a pretty feature !

So now you see, &c.

[Spoken]. Good Places ! To be sure I can ! No Prime Minister in the world
has got so many Places as I have to bestow upon you. Only come in— I will
give you all good places, and change them every half hour, if you like it so best.
I'll do every thing to make ihevnsit pleasant! Besides, you will have the advan-
tage of listening to the unheard of capabilities of Mr. Multum. He canparley woo
to the people at Calais, while he holds a conversation with the country folks at
Dover ! His lungs are superior to an India Rubber Manufactory for stretching ; he
has offered to bet a week's salary that he gives orders to any of his Majesty's
ships in the most distant part of the globe, at the same moment he is taking his
instructions from the Lords of the Admiralty. His terms are now under the consi-
deration of the Board of Red Cloth. He can talk all the Barristers to a stand
stilly or else he would be of no use.

Sj now you see, Mr. Chant,
Is become quite gallant,
And kuown as " a Great Creature!"

" Could you have killed time in a better or more pleasing-
manner for half an hour," said Makemoney, after leaving the
Theatre. " I know there are many persons who treat with the
most sovereign contempt such performances : however, I am not
one of that number. Richardson, as a showman, has been before
the public for forty years, and with great success."

" Killed time, my dear sir," replied his nephew ; " I think you
are in error, when you call it killing time ! I did not expect to
see a KEAN or a MACREADY ; but, nevertheless, abating a
little too much rant, I was not so blind to merit but I could
perceive talents, abilities, and an anxiety to please ; and if we
may judge as a criterion from the applause which were bestowed
on their exertions, I should say the audience were gratified. 1
hate any thing in the shape of hyper-criticism."

" Indeed, fastidious as I am termed, and generally considered
to find too much fault with every thing," answered Flourish, " 1

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 87

must confess, the scenery, &c., and viewed as a whole perform-
ance, was far better than I could have anticipated ; and, in
truth, I had not the slightest idea that the thing- was half so
complete as it is. But it must be extremely fatiguing for the
actors to perform so many times a day — thirteen or fourteen, at
the least, I have been told — I cannot think how they stand it."

" I am glad to find that you have still a spark of liberality
left in your composition. The life of a travelling- showman," said
Makemoney, " must have been full of adventures, and I feel as-
sured, if it could be related, would afford a fund of amusement."

Since the above circumstances occurred, Muster Richardson
has ceased to exist ; and the author trusts that the anecdotes,
incidents, &c., connected with the career of the above eccentric
showman, will not be viewed in the shape of a digression ; but,
on the contrary, quite connected with the object of the PILGRIMS
of the THAMES in SEARCH of the NATIONAL !

Scarcely had the celebrated GEORGE COLMAN, whose " Broad
Grins" so often set the table in a roar, been summoned to
" that bourne from whence no traveller returns ; " and the in-
imitable JACK BANNISTER, who, for upwards of half a century,
had sent thousands of his Majesty's loving subjects laughing
heartily to their beds, made his final exit from the stage of
life — when Muster John Richardson also received a notice to
quit — thus followed in rapid succession three men, in the
short space of a few days, who had done the Theatrical World
" some service, and they know it."

Death ! great proprietor of all ! 'tis thine
To tread out empire, and to quench the stars :
The sun himself by thy permission shines;
And one day thou shall pluck him from his sphere.

Mr. D' Israeli, a celebrated writer, and a great observer of
the lives and actions of men, thus sets his value upon mankind :
— " We have before us," said he, " a list of nearly three hundred
persons who had attained a great age, in no instance less than
one hundred, men and women in all parts of the united king-
dom, during the term of years beginning with 1807 and ending
in 1823, both included, and we cannot discover throughout the
whole catalogue a SINGLE NAME that h#d linked itself with
an expression or a DEED worthy to be remembered for an
HOUR ! ! ! "

Such a reflection as the above cannot be levelled against the
character of the late Muster Richardson, whose whole life was
quite a history of " Sayings and Doings " to the end of the chap-
ter ; in truth, his life was full of bustle, incident, and situation ;
and when public amusements were the theme of discourse,
scarcely a little boy or girl in the Metropolis, or elsewhere, but
remembered the name of RICHARDSON, the Showman ! with
pleasure ; and perhaps, now, with regret !

During the late Deptford Fair (Monday, May 30, 1836), the

88 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

writer of this article called on Muster Richardson, his usual
custom, if he happened to be in the vicinity of any of the Fairs,
to see if any thing- like Novelty occurred : when the showman
complained severely about the reduction of prices ; and he ob-
served, with a sneer, that when a Patent Theatre admitted per-
sons at a tizzy per head, the poor mummer could not be found
fault with for opening- his doors to the public for browns. Ri-
chardson had never before taken less than sixpence each during-
his career. " But nevertheless, Muster ," said he, " so help me

, it is too bad ; my expences are just the same ; and, do

what I will, I cannot keep pace with my opponents. Only look
at Lee's company of performers — and they are clever folks too —
within one or two booths of mine, who amuse their visitors for
one penny ' a nob ,- ' and who are carrying- all before them.
Theatricals are g-oing- fast to the dogs ; and it is high time I
should have done with them."

Amidst other conversation with myself and Mr. Johnston, his
money-taker, he said, (l I think, Muster Pierce Egan, I have
lived long- enough to tell the world how I have bustled my way
throug-h it; you have known me for many years — are up to
a thing- or two with your pen — and, with my assistance, you
could inform the public summut about my Travels, Life, and
History, that might amuse them (little anticipating* at that period
he was so near his end) — I wish to appear grateful for the pa-
tronage I have received ; and, although I am nothing more than
a humble showman, I have been respected and well treated by
all classes of society, in every part of the kingdom ; and
wherever I have pitched my tent once, I have been repeatedly
sent for to come ag-ain."

" Your request shall be complied with," I replied ; " and,
as far as an allowance can be made for the infirmities of human
nature, it shall be written after the sterling- adage of Shakspeare
— ' nothing to extenuate, or set down aug-ht in malice ! ' '

He then briefly related several anecdotes (whilst he was hand-
ling the coppers for admission) at which he laughed very heartily,
and said, " When you have a leisure hour or two, call on me at
Woodland Cottag-e, and I will tell you every movement of my
life." We then parted. In about four months afterwards the
call was made at Woodland Cottage, according- to agreement,
when Muster Richardson opened his Budget, and related the
principal features of his career. But, on the writer calling- ag-ain
on Muster Richardson, merely to inform him that he had com-
mitted all the anecdotes to paper, on the door being opened, he
was informed that Muster Richardson had departed this life at
seven o'clock that morning : but, through the kindness of Mr.
Johnston, every particular has been obtained which occurred
since, and the writer of the RECOLLECTIONS of the late MUSTER
RICHARDSON has the satisfaction to be enabled to pledg-e him-
self for their AUTHENTICITY !

THE LATE MUSTER RICHARDSON,

THE ECCENTRIC SHOWMAN.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 91

To use his own words, which were a " round unvarnished
tale," his first recollection of himself was that of a poor little
urchin, the very climax of poverty, in the workhouse of Great
Marlow, in Buckinghamshire, the place of his birth. After
filling- several menial situations in the above town, he started
for the metropolis, in order to better his fortune, and gained em-
ployment, where he remained for some time, in the cow-house of
Mr. Rhodes, at Islington, at one shilling per day. Soon after
which period he had acquired some taste for theatricals ; and in
the year 1782 he first engaged in the theatrical line ; or, to use
the cant of the stage, " smelt the lamp/' and joined Mrs. Penley,
who was then performing in a club-room, at the Paviour's Arms,
in Shadwell, near Wapping. The pieces were Chrononhoton-
thologos and Midas (the taste of the town at that time), and
required several actors ; but Mrs. Penley contrived to get it up
with two men and two women. The receipts generally were
from four to five shillings per night. Starvation was almost
the order of the day ; and, after going from town to town in
the country with little better success, he left the stage for a
short period, and commenced, in a small way, as a broker in
London. His shop turned out lucky, and by industry he accu-
mulated money enough to take the Harlequin in 1 796, near the
stage-door of Drury Lane Theatre. The Harlequin was fre-
quented by theatrical people — old Mr. Greenwood, the scene-
painter, Mr. Banks, old Mr. Russell, the facetious Tony Le
Brun, &c. — but getting tired of keeping a public-house, he left
the Harlequin, and made up his mind to attend the fairs. He
engaged a company to go with him ; and young Tom Greenwood
and Mr. Banks painted his first set of scenes.

In the above year, Muster Richardson first made his appear-
ance in the character of a showman at Bartholomew Fair, where
he had to coiiterid with the old favourites of the public. Old
Jobson, the great puppet-showman, in one yard ; Jonas and
Penley (the families of which have both distinguished themselves
in the history of the stage), in the George-yard ; the celebrated
Mrs. Baker, at the Greyhound, in a room up one pair of stairs ;
O'Brien, the Irish giant, at the King's Head ; Sieur Rea, the
great conjuror ; and also in a one pair of stairs, Richardson and
his company exhibited : his platform was built out of the one
pair of stairs window, forming an arch over the ginger-bread
stalls, with a long pair of steps leading down into the fair.
Twenty-one times in the day were the performers called upon to
act. Richardson's band was selected out of the streets, which
consisted of three blind Scotchmen, but noted as clarionet play-
ers. The pieces were not very good, and each audience did not
fail to abuse the actors as they left the house. Poor old Mrs.
Monk generally got upon the stairs to cool herself; and, as the
spectators had to pass her on going out, she was generally sa-
luted with many "damns!" and " You old b , you have

N

92 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

taken us in ! " Mrs. Monk was a good-natured creature, and her
only reply was, " What can you expect at a fair?" Upon the
whole, the performances passed off tolerably quiet.

Bartholomew Fair then was more distinguished for slack-wire
performances, tight-rope, tumblers, dancing-dogs, Punch and
Judy, &c., and meagre in the extreme, compared with the pre-
sent day.

Muster Richardson now made the regular tour to most of the
large fairs in the kingdom — at Edmonton he appeared with Tom
Jetteries, a clown from Astley's, who, in his line, had no com-
petitor ; and was allowed by the best judges of fools to be
without a rival. He had a lingo of his own, and his tricks and
conversation were so irresistibly comic, that he had the character
of " pulling them in" better than any other character.

Shortly after the above period, Mrs. Carey, and her two sons,
Edmund and Henry, were engaged by Richardson. Edmund
(since the celebrated Kean) made his first appearance in Tom
Thumb, and his mother acted the Queen Dollalolla. At Wind-
sor Fair Edmund again performed Tom Thumb ; when, to the
great astonishment of Muster Richardson, he received a note
from the Castle, commanding Master Carey to recite several
passages from different plays before his Majesty, King George
the Third, at the Palace. Richardson was highly gratified at the
receipt of the above note, but he was equally perplexed how to
comply with the commands of the King. Th0 letter came late
on Saturday night ; and, as the wardrobe of Master Carey Xvas
rather scanty, it was necessary to add to it before he could ap-
pear in the presence of royalty. .The purse of Richardson was
nearly empty ; and, to increase his dilemma, all the shops be-
longing to the Jews were shut, and the only chance left was
their being open on the Sunday morning. Among the Jews,
Muster Richardson purchased a smart little jacket and trousers,
and body linen, and the Manag-er tied the collar of his shirt
through the button-holes with a piece of black ribbon ; and,
when dressed in his new apparel, Master Carey appeared a smart
little fellow.

The King was much pleased with the performance of Ed-
mund, and so were his nobles. Two hours were occupied in his
recitations ; and he was pronounced an astonishing boy, and a
lad of great promise ; but the present he received for his per-
formance was rather small, being only two guineas ; though,
upon the whole, it turned out fortunate for the family. The
principal conversation in Windsor for a few days at that time
was about the talents displayed by Master Carey before the
King ; his mother, therefore, took advantage of this circum-
stance, and immediately engaged the market hall for three
nights for recitations for Edmund. This was an excellent spe-
culation ; the Hall overflowed with company every night.
Mrs. Carey joined Richardson on the following Monday at Ewe 11

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 93

Fair ; and all the family, owing- to their great success, came so
nicely dressed, that the Manager scarcely knew them. Mrs.
Carey and her children did not quit his standard during- the
summer.

" In addition to my company," says Richardson, " the next
year Mr. Saville Faucit, now Manag-er of the Margate Theatre,
and Mr. Grosette, joined us at Stepney Fair. The latter was a lazy,
dirty fellow ; and I was compelled to discharg-e him on account
of the want of clean linen. But he played me a trick for it. In the w
course of the same week, Grosette came and told me he had got**
a chang-e of dress, and expressed a wish that I should re-engage"
him. I did so, in consequence of his appearance being- improved,
and his linen quite clean ; but in a few days I found out that
Mr. Grosette had made free with my little wardrobe, and dressed
himself in one of my shirts, stockings, and neckerchief. He re-
mained with me two or three seasons ; utter which he distin-
guished himself as a performer of considerable merit both in the
Norwich and Bath companies.

" We left Stepney for Cambridge, and opened our booth at
Stourbridge fair ; at which place I lost all my money, and ex-
perienced great distress. Owing to my refusal to pay taxes
upon the ground, I was taken into custody', and should have
been committed with my company, had it not have been for the
interference of old Mr. Brunton. This veteran of the stage had
also a company at Stourbridge fair at the same time. I found
out that the magistrates could not commit me, without also
sending to prison Mr. Brunton and his actors. The University
law is not to suffer any theatre to be opened within a specified
number of miles of Cambridge ; therefore, the University was
liable to lose a part of their privileges by suffering us
to perform. Our audiences were so trifling in number,
that I was completely ruined ; and old Mr. Brunton, witnessing
our distress, generously made me a present of five guineas ;
which feeling disposition I shall always remember with the
highest sense of gratitude. At this unfortunate fair to me,
all my horses, excepting three, were drowned by the flood ; and
having no more money than Mr. Brunton's present of five gui-
neas, it was soon exhausted among so -many persons. How to
get to London was the question. At last, I made up my mind
to leave two of my waggons in pledge at a public-house yard,
and with my three horses proceed with my company to town in
the caravan. But to raise the money for the purpose was the
difficulty. The landlord of the public-house entertained so bad
an opinion of players, that instead of advancing a shilling upon
the waggons left in his possession, he demanded a certain sum to
be paid per week, for their standing in his yard. I therefore
agreed with my clown, Tom Jefferies, who could sing a good
low-comedy song, Mr. Brown, a musician, and myself, to busk

94 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

our way up to London. Jefferies was to sing-, and Brown and
myself to go round with the hat. The plan being* settled, we
started off without any money in our pockets ; but previous to
which we bundled the rest of the company, consisting- of women
and children, into the caravan. We minstrels g-enerally kept
two miles before the caravan, and laid sieg-e to every public-
house upon the road. Our success was much better than we
expected. Tom Jefferies hit upon a song-, called ' Tidi didi tol
lol lol. kiss and ti-ti-lara,' which had a great run at Astley's
riding--school. To add to the effect of the above song-, Jefferies
squinted, which caused much fun and laughter among-st the
country folks, and I was not behind hand with my hat in collect-
ing subscriptions. As fast as we got the money we purchased
tea, sugar, and other necessaries, and supplied the persons in the
caravan ; we lived together very well, but we reserved suffi-
cient cash to buy corn for the horses, &c. On my arrival in
London, I found a friend, who advanced me a sufficient sum of
money to redeem my waggons left with the publican ; but,
nevertheless, I was still unfortunate. The man that I sent for
the waggons, turned out a rascal : he decamped with my cash,
taking the horses and harness with him, and from that period to
the present hour, I have never heard any thing concerning his
flight. I applied again to my friend for assistance — he really .
was a friend in need, and advanced me money enough to get my
wag'gons once more into my own possession.

" After a short period I again got my company together, and
with hired horses, I went to Waltham Abbey. I took a small
theatre in that town, the rent of which I paid— fifteen shillings
per week. It was all the money too much. My company I
considered very strong, consisting of Mr. Vaughan, Mr.Thwaites,
Master Edmund, his mother, and the whole of the family, Mr.
Saville Faucit, Mr. Grosette, Mr. and Mrs. Jefferies, Mr. Reed,
Mrs. Wells, and several other performers, who have since been
engaged at several of the principal theatres in the kingdom.
Notwithstanding we acted the most popular pieces, the night
produced only nine shillings and sixpence. Starvation stared
us in the face, and our situation was so truly pitiable, that the
magistrates of the town, out of compassion to our misfortunes,
4 bespoke a night !' The feeling conduct of the justices of the
peace, put us all in high spirits ; and every bench and every
corner was measured to ascertain what the house would hold,
which, upon a fair calculation, we found would produce seven
pounds. Under the expectation of receiving this seven pounds,
every chandler's, butcher's, and baker's shop was tried, with a
promise of payment on Monday night. A rehearsal was called
on Sunday morning ; but those actors who were so fortunate as
to have obtained a dinner upon credit, forgot their parts, in the
anticipation of realizing a hearty meal, an unusual thing in the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 95

company. Mr. Vaughan, who played my first line of business,
was obliged to go to London on some pressing- occasion, started
at five o'clock on the Sunday morning-, with a solemn promise to
be back in time for the rehearsal the next day ; but he had scarcely
departed, when the landlord of the public-house where he lodg-ed,
came during- the rehearsal and enquired for him. He was told
that Vaug-han had g-one to London. ' Yes/ replied he, ' and he
has stolen twelve pair of my ducks/ Thinking- of the magis-
trates bespeak, and the seven pounds, it operated on my feeling-s
like a lock-jaw for the instant, and I could not give the man any
answer. However, on recovering my speech, I asked the land-
lord how any single man could take away twelve pair of ducks ?
But he was irritated, and would not hear a word I had to urge
in the defence of Vaughan. I, at last, prevailed upon the land-
lord to keep silent until the next morning, as Vaughan had pro-
mised to return without fail by twelve o'clock. On the depar-
ture of the landlord, I went to the company, who were at re-
hearsal, and made them acquainted with the charge of the pub-
lican, at the same time, begging one of them to study the part,
as I made sure Vaughan had got the ducks. On Monday morn-
ing, about eleven o'clock, while the company were at rehearsal,
Vaughan, to my surprise, made his appearance. I was very glad
to see him. He said he should have been down at Waltham
Abbey much sooner, but that he had dined out with a friend,
and had a beautiful dinner. I, of course, asked him what were
the dishes ? His reply was ' Ducks and green peas !' ' Then,
by Heaven !' I exclaimed, ' you had the man's twelve pair of
ducks.' Vaughan inquired what I meant ; but during the time
the story was being told to him, the landlord of the public-house
entered, and, calling me on one side, said he hoped that I had
not told the young man about the ducks. He was sorry for
what he had said, as it since appeared the ducks had gone down
with the mill-stream to a farm some two miles off, when Mr.
Vaughan left for London, and had likewise returned about the
same time as his lodger. Upon the whole the story of the ducks
was a fortunate thing for Vaughan, as the landlord of the public-
house, to prevent an action for defamation, fed and lodged
Vaughan, free of expence, during the remainder of his stay in
the town. The magistrates ' bespeak,' produced an excellent
house ; we divided the receipts, and paid all the money we
could amongst the tradesmen who had given us credit.

" On quitting Waltham Abbey we made our route to be in
time for the opening of the Paddington Canal, and erected our
booth. By the time of the company's landing we opened, and
had an excellent night, the receipts of which put me upon my
legs, and I retired for the winter. During the vacation I looked
out for new performers, and visited the private theatres.
Amongst them MINTON'S, in Queen Anne Street east, claimed
my attention. The play was Richard the Third, the part of the

96 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Duke of Gloucester, by Mr. Oxberry. I knew his uncle, and
himself, previous to that period ; therefore, I had an immediate
interview with Oxberry without any hesitation. The latter per-
former wished to travel, and I engaged him for the ensuing- sum-
mer. Oxberry joined my company at Easter, and remained with
me for two seasons. At that time a young* woman of the name
of Bass, belonged to us, and in our journey to Ascot races, we
stopped to bait our horses at the Swan, Staines Bridge. We
were immediately recognized by the watermen, who g*ood
naturedly lent the company their boats to take a small excursion
on the Thames. Nine of the actors got into one of the boats,
and amongst them Billy Oxberry ; in the middle of the river it
upset, and the whole of them had a sousing, nay, went to the
bottom ! The whole town hearing- of the circumstance, rushed
to afford them assistance, and with very great difficulty the nine
performers were rescued from a watery grave. But Billy
Oxberry had the narrowest escape of any of them, owing to
Miss Bass rising at the same time with Billy. In going down a
second time, Miss Bass caught hold of Oxberry's coat, which
had nearly drowned them both ; but by the perseverance and
struggling of Oxberry, and prompt assistance being afforded him,
they were both preserved to laugh at the incident. The most
ludicrous part of this unlucky circumstance was, that not one of
them had a change of clothes : they therefore all scrambled into
the caravan, took off their wet apparel, and hung them out of the
caravan to dry. Oxberry was the most unfortunate of the party :
his breeches were made of buckskin, and fitted so tight to his
limbs, that it was with the utmost difficulty they could be got
off; and the leather taking a long time to dry, Billy was com-
pelled to walk about Ascot race-course with a full pair of Turkish
trowsers.

" About this time, I engaged Mr. Abraham Slader, and Mr.
Rose, both of whom, in a few years afterwards, became men of
celebrity at Astley's and the Surrey theatres. The former was
distinguished for his singing the beautiful ballad of ' Sweet
Kitty of the Clyde !' Also, a Mrs. Fitzgerald, who, on leaving
my company in the course of a few years, was the manageress
of the York Circuit ; likewise, Miss Fanny Welding, belonging
to Astleys, but afterwards, as Mrs. Pearce, of Covent Garden
Theatre. In the course of the year I went to Twickenham
Fair ; and Messrs. Copeland and Russell's company were then
performing at the Theatre, Richmond. I made up my mind to
have one private night after the fair was over, and I announced
the public performance of Douglas, and the Miller of Mans-
field, Young Norval, by Mr. Saville Faucit. Directly our bills
had been circulated in the morning, it was a usual thing on my
part, on the day after the fair, to give all the company a treat at
Twickenham Ait, with as many eel pies as they could eat, and
as much ale as they could drink. We were all very comfort-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 97

able and merry, and the performers did not want any persuasion
to play their different characters with spirit. But in the midst
of our happiness, to my astonishment, I received a note from the
managers of the Richmond Theatre, with information that it was
a benefit that night, at their house, and if I attempted to per-
form, they would apply to a magistrate, and have myself, and
the whole of the company taken into custody. I laughed at this
threat ; and being quite warm with ale, I returned an answer,
with my compliments, that if I was taken up, it should be by
the authority of a magistrate, and not by two vagrants — like
myself.

" Mrs. JORDAN, at that time, lived on Twickenham Common.
I went immediately to that justly celebrated actress, and put the
letter of the Richmond managers into her hand. Mrs. Jordan
said, she could scarcely think they would have been guilty of
such an act of meanness ; but she knew it was their hand-
writing. Mrs. Jordan desired me to return to my company, and
perform without any fear of their threats : that she would
endeavour to make me up a party, or at least, if she could not
come herself she would send her children. This most excellent
actress and worthy woman kept her word. The next morning,
the above managers did me another favor, by engaging Saville
Faucit ; but the latter actor would not consent to quit my
service immediately, according to their wishes, but remained in
my company till the season closed.

" My next tour was to St. Alban's Fair, where I met with
very great encouragement ; and, year after year, my gratitude
compels me to think that I have met with some cheerful patron-
age from the inhabitants and corporation of St. Alban's."

To shew the vicissitudes of the stage, Muster Richardson
often observed that superior talents ultimately will be recognised
by the public. At Easter, in 1806, at Battersea Fair, the ma-
gistrates gave him permission to perform whole pieces for two
nights afterwards. He was short of hands, when Edmund Keari
applied for an engagement ; and the first night he acted Young
Norval ; and on the second Motley, in the Castle Spectre ; and
for which the Manager paid him a crown per night ; which
sum, however trifling, he thankfully received : " and I am happy
to say that his splendid talents have, since that period, not only
saved one of the Theatres Royal from ruin, but he has received
one hundred pounds per night for his exertions. This was the
last time Edmund played for me ; though the rest of his family
remained some months afterwards in my company. "

A fellow once called on Muster Richardson at Woodland
Cottage, during one of his vacations ; who was ragged as a
colt, and as dirty as a sweep. On being asked what he wanted,
he answered, he was out of an engagement !

" Engagement ! " echoed Richardson, surveying him from top
to toe.

o

98 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Yes, I want an engagement. You need not stare so — I am
a man of talent ; though perhaps I don't look such ! But you,
Governor, are too good a judge to take a man by his looks ! "

" If I did/' said Richardson, " you would not get one. But
what can you do ? "

" Do ! any thing" — every thing. I can stand upon my head —
deliver a message — sing a comic song — dance a hornpipe — slang
the mob. I can light the lamps — put them out — take care of
the wardrobe — act as call-boy ; in short, I am for general
utility ; and, upon a pinch, I can take the money."

" The latter qualification is out of the question ; therefore,
we'll bar that — pinching won't do for me — it is no go in my
establishment. I play the first fiddle on that ere suit, muster,
myself: no, no, I don't want to make a rogue of you. But
where did you come from ? "

" Come from !" answered the fellow ; " all over the kingdom !
I have been starring it ! "

" What !— Ha ! ha ! ha I— starring it."

" Don't laugh, master. Its true, so help me Bob. I have
been starring with a PIG ! whom I taught his letters, and other
subjects : but I bothered his upper works so much that he be-
came light-headed."

" Light-headed ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! A pig light-headed ! "

"• Yes ! He took his laming so fast that it turned his brains,
and the pig became as mad as a March-hare."

" You astonish me. I have seen and heard a good deal," ob-
served Muster Richardson ; "but this is anew caper — to make a
hanimal light in his upper story ! Well — go on."

" Astonished, I believe ye ! I could scarcely believe my own
eyes ; but, nevertheless, it was true. I took the pig to one of
our first insane doctors ; but as my lamed friend, the Pig, could
not explain the nature of his complaint, the mad physicianer
said he could do nothing for him — that it was a new case alto-
gether ; but he would consult the College of Physicians on the
subject — at the same time, handing out his morley for the fee."

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! An't you coming it a little too strong ? "
said Richardson ; " but no matter — how did you proceed then?"

" Proceed ! I could not proceed at all — my splendid grunter
made his exit — and that floored me ! For some time I was insane
myself — all the blunt vanished — my toggery all spouted — and I
am now anxious for a new start — another move on the board !
And as I have not to learn, Muster Richardson, but you have
got your head screwed on the right way, I have got something
more under my hat than you think for. Therefore, you will find
me not a bad card — tractable, and worthy of your patronage."

" Well, come in, muster," said the wily showman ; " but first
try the effect of soap and water, and look like a man ; and then
I'll see if I can find some new rigging from my wardrobe to put
you once more upon your pins." This man afterwards proved a

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 99

valuable acquisition to Muster Richardson, who observed, when
speaking- of the "pig starrer !" that he was a prime make-shift
cove, and never grumbled to try to do what lie was set about ;
and that men are not to be taken by their looks !

In the zenith of Kean's fame, when his name resounded from
one part of the kingdom to the other, as one of the greatest
actors ever seen in this country, it is due to his character to state
that he called to see his old manager several times in Bartho-
lomew Fair ; offering1 his hand to him with that strong- sense
and good feeling- which elevates the prosperous man still hig-her
in the estimation of his friends, and shewing- that his recollection
of old times and former circumstances had riot escaped his me-
mory. Also, when Mr. Kean was the Manag-er of the Richmond
Theatre, he felt it no degradation to write a letter to Muster
Richardson, requiring-, for a short time, the loan of some of his
wardrobe !

Muster Richardson arriving- from the country one nig-ht, se-
veral years since, in a hurry, slept in a double-bedded room at
one of the coffee-houses under the Piazza in Covent Garden.
Early in the morning-, before day-light, the person who slept in
the bed next to the showman, and whom he had not seen, g-ot
up, and took with him the sheets off the bed, and some other
portable articles, unperceived. During- the time Richardson was
at breakfast in the coffee-room, the chamber-maid informed her
master of the robbery which had been committed in the house.
The latter, without hesitation, challenged Richardson with the
theft ; and also threatened to send to Bow-street for an officer.
In vain Muster Richardson protested ag-ainst the charg-e, and de-
clared his innocence, accompanied with an oath ; and, at the
same time, observed, that if he was taken to the public-office it
mig-ht ruin his character. " / am RICHARDSON, the Showman /"
said he.

" Then," said the master, full of ang-er, " the fellow that's
bolted with my sheets is a pal of yours ; and if you do not im-
mediately consent to pay for the loss of my property, at all
events, you shall underg-o an examination at Bow-street/'

Richardson thought it much better to pay the sum demanded
than to let the subject get wind before the public : but scarcely
had three weeks elapsed, when the person who had taken the
sheets returned to the tavern arid restored the property. It ap-
peared that he was a gentleman, but labouring under very great
distress at the moment, had pawned the sheets to raise him
a small sum of money ; but since that period fortune had turned
in his favor, and he was more than anxious to repair his error.
He immediately sent for Muster Richardson, begged his pardon,
returned him the sum of money he had paid, and did every thing
in his power to make the amende honorable.

(( This circumstance will be a warning to me," said the show-
man to one of his intimate friends : " so help me , I'll never

100 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

sleep in a double-bedded room again as long- as I live, when
such gallows willins are suffered to prowl about and rob the
public, and then plead distress as the occasion ; and innocent
people are liable to be transported for their tricks. I have no
notion of it." The above adventure, perhaps, might be some
reason why he preferred sleeping1 in his caravan ever afterwards.
At Portsdown Fair, some years ago, the next show to Richard-
son's was kept by a Welshman and his wife, who did every thing
in their power to annoy him : in fact, they were jealeus of his
success and reputation, — overflowing* shows crowning- his exer-
tions. Muster Richardson, however, by way of a bit of fun,
had some goats dressed up, and had them led up and down his
platform by the clowns, singing the old well-known stanza —

Taffy was a Welshman,

Taffy was a thief ;
But Taffy's poor show

Won't bring him any beef !

The Welshman did not complain of the appearance of the
goats, but did not altogether relish the satire levelled against him ;
during the night he had a dummy figure stuffed, dressed ex-
actly like Muster Richardson, and hung it up, with a rope round
the neck, early the next morning. This circumstance excited
a great deal of merriment throughout the Fair ; and when
Richardson appeared on the front of his show, the Welshman
pointed to the figure hanging, and asked him if he knew who
the culprit was ?

" Know him ! do I know myself?" was the reply ; " it is in-
tended for Richardson, the showman, who can beat all his
opponents with the greatest ease and certainty, by his perform-
ances being so excellent ; and whose actors are so superior, that
he can fill his show three times over to any other Mummer's
once, and you know it. — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Its a capital likeness, I
think, and I give you credit for your invention. I have only one
favour to beg of you, Muster Taffy, as it is likely to do me good,
I hope you will let it remain during the fair — it will prove an
excellent sign for my friends to find me out!" The Welshman
finding it had not the desired effect — to put Richardson out of
temper, and make him angry, immediately took down the
figure.

The Paraders, as they are called, persons who are hired to
'strut and fret their hour' on the platform, in order to attract
the attention of the public, were the best looking females he
could procure ; and as a matter of business — few men better
knew the value of effect on the populace by exhibiting pretty
faces, genteel figures, and women who walked proudly, than
the late Muster Richardson. He did not boast of any great
knowledge with the plays of Shakespeare : but one line, he said,
suited hi* purpose: —

" Beauty provokelh thieves much sooner than gold !"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 101

Some suspicious characters were found concealed one night
under his booth at Greenwich Fair, whom he supposed had in-
tended to have robbed him of his cash when he went to sleep,
but nothing- being- found upon them but a phosphorus box, the
magistrate told Muster Richardson that he could see nothing- to
detain them according- to law !

" But I do/' said he, " I have no doubt the g-allows willins
meant to blow me up and my show with their prosperous box
when they cotched me winking- ! But I was too leary for their
tricks \ The ould showman has'nt lived for nothing- — he has
always g-ot one eye open when he does g-o to sleep — they are such
a set of rog'ues in this ere world !"

In the same lig-ht as the late erudite John Kemble was to the
patent theatres, respecting their improvement and advancement
towards perfection, may be viewed the exertions of the late
Muster Richardson towards the SHOW FOLKS ! The difference,
in point of intellect, between those great characters was immense
— the illustrious John, for sifting, as it were, the words of
Shakespeare, to obtain an accurate phraseology, to render the
exits and entrances of actors classical, and to produce the origi-
nal costume to various historical and other pieces — claimed the
well earned tribute of unqualified praise.

On the other hand, the late Muster Richardson, without the
advantag-es of a patent rig-ht, and a splendid domus to give effect
to his exertions, or the assistance of great writers ; not possessing
the talents to pore over dusty black-lettered volumes atth e
British Museum, and other libraries for information, neverthe-
less, wrought great changes, effected visible improvements, and
elevated the Show Folks into importance.

The booths erected for performances at Bartholomew, and
other fairs, between forty and fifty years since, when Muster
Richardson first showed himself, were of the most wretched
description, and mere stables, when compared with the moveable
theatres of the present day. Muster Richardson, who was a
shrewd, cunning, clear-sighted man, saw the deficiency of com-
fort which was experienced by the visitors, and he spared
neither pains, expense, or exertions, until he improved it, and
produced a building well worthy of the reception of the public.
In consequence of which he became attractive — a great feature
with the visitors of fairs ; and the good performances, better
actors, intelligent pieces, exalted scenes, comfortable seats, ren-
dered him not only a formidable opponent, but he soon distanced
all his competitors, and obtained for himself the appellation of
the GREAT SHOWMAN, all over the kingdom.

When the late George Colman's drama of Blue Beard was
first produced, it positively took London by storm ; at the ensuing
Bartholomew Fair, Muster Richardson, as far as the size of his
theatre would permit, exhibited Blue Beard in such a splendid
style as to astonish the public : nothing could excel the value

102 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

and magnificence of his dresses, and, although he could not
engage the inimitable Parisot, to display her attitudes — shew
the illuminated garden with such brilliancy as his predecessor on
a more extended scale — or, give the terrific effect to the blue
chamber, as realized at Drury Lane, yet he achieved much
more than was expected, and his theatre was literally besieged
with succeeding audiences, crowning his efforts with the loudest
shouts of approbation : nay, more, it was a matter of great regret
expressed by John Bull, when the fair closed, which deprived
the multitude of enjoying the above splendid spectacle at six-
pence per head.

John Kemble lived on the stage and in his closet, and books
and dramatic lore were his idols ; he was classical, and nothing
else but classical, to the very tip of his little finger ; and refine-
ment was his decided model of good taste. Muster John Richard-
son, (no relation, we believe, to the author of Sir Charles
Grandison,) existed all his leisure time in his caravan, peeping
out at the corner of a little window at the tricks and fancies of
mankind, taking measure, at the same time, of John Bull and his
family, with all their peculiarities and propensities, noting them
down in the tablet of his memory, to turn them to good account
when it suited his purpose, often smiling at the thought that —

" Man's a man, for a' and a' that !"

It has been an expressed opinion, nay, quite a mistaken notion,
respecting the degradation of actors appearing at a fair — a sort of
squeamishness , that people in general do not exactly understand.
The public, or what is termed the public, must still be the same
in point of decision and applause. Surely it will not be urged
that because persons are better dressed, and live in a more splen-
did house, that they have superior, or more intellectual heads
than their neighbours ; the audience in the boxes can but dis-
play judgment, the visitors in the pit shew their opinion, and the
gods, as they are termed, or, in other words, the gallery
folks, will have a say in the matter, cry encore, and obtain it, in
spite of all the rank, birth, and property in the nation.

Then the actor, who having endured the rude noisy interrup-
tion of a mob, as it were, and without the advantages of a well-
regulated theatre, extorts applause from the audience, proves
that he possesses talents, and only wants * the opening,' to pro-
cure him fame and fortune, and ultimately, a passport to excel-
lence ; confirming the pleasing idea of the poet : —

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

Woodward, the splendid comedian of olden times, if ever
rivalled, was never excelled ; and who never felt any thing like
reduction of consequence, by his performance at Southwark and
Bartholomew Fairs ; the inimitable Shuter, one of the greatest
mimics of his time ; and Macklin —

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 103

The Jew,

That Shakespeare drew.

also exhibited at Bristol, and other fairs ; Belzoni, afterwards
the great traveller, was at one period of his career, a show-
man ; and the late Mrs. Mountain's delightful abilities as a
vocalist, were not valued a jot the less because she had exhibit-
ed for several years over the kingdom at fairs.

Muster Richardson's theatre was open to all parties, and
influenced by none : he loved talent — he invited it to his boards
— and he promoted it — facts are stubborn things, and he had to
boast that his humble booth had been the stepping-stone to fame
and riches to several of his early actors, amongst whom might be
named the two Southbys, clowns ; Mr. Thwaites and Mr.
Vaughan, who distinguished themselves in America ; Saville
Faucit, Mr. Grosette, Mr. and Mrs. Jefferies, Mr. Reed, Mrs.
Wells, Mr. Oxberry, Mrs. Pearce, Abraham Slader, Mrs. Rose,
Mrs. Fitzgerald, and Walbourn arid Saunders, the celebrated
Dusty Bob and Black Sal ; with numerous other actors, that at
present we cannot call to our memory.

Muster Richardson often declared that the burletta of Tom
and Jerry, at Bartholomew Fair, brought him the greatest houses,
and most money, he had ever received during his career as show-
man. The piece was concocted by Bob Keeley, rehearsed at
Stepney Fair, and for which the comedian received five pounds
for his trouble. The showman gave a dinner upon the occasion,
at which the author of Life in London, in company with (those
celebrated characters — Dusty Bob and Black Sal,) Bill Wal-
bourn and Saunders, dined off a prime baked shoulder of mutton
and potatoes in his caravan, metamorphosed into a tidy parlour ;
and who enjoyed their meal with as much gout, as if they had
been seated in the most splendid domus in the world; a drop of
jacky gave spirit to the affair, which was concluded over some
red port that would not have disgraced the table of a king.
Muster Richardson took pride to himself for the expensive and
elegant dresses which he provided for the three heroes — Tom,
Jerry, and Logic ; and in point of fact, they were never better
dressed at any theatre either in town or country. On quitting
the caravan, he filled a glass of wine, and said, here Muster
****** **** nere»s your good health, and when
your benefit takes place, I will take ten pounds worth of tickets,
' and so ought every other manager in the kingdom !

u I have lost a great many actors during my showman-
ship," observed Richardson ; " poor devils ! they works werry
hard after all for»a bit of wittals ; yet I pays them as well as I
can for their sarvices, and I always likes to cognize (recognize)
merit. But when you consider that they are exposed to heats
and colds — and all sorts of weather in the open air — perform so
often, werry often, in one day, added to a little drinking — it
makes out the old saying, that the life of an actor is short, but a

104 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

merry one ! During the Peer time they scarcely are allowed
time to sleep !

" I have been the means of setting- several werry clever fel-
lows a-going- in this ere world ! When they first came to me for
engagements they were mere cripples — quite timid — and did not
know wot they could do — but they all wanted to begin at the
top of the tree, and to hart Emperors and Kings ! But I tould
them of their mistakes. I don't care how bould you speaks to
the audiences, because I knows they likes bould orators ; and it
always puts me on the fret when I hears the spectres (specta-
tors) call out — Speak up !

" Besides, I cured a great many young men who were at first
shy, and ashamed to parade up and down the front of my the-
atre ! But I used to say to them, You must persewere, and never
mind being picked out by an ould acquaintance in the crowd —
look at them full in the face, as if they were perfect strangers
to you, by which means you will be able to get lots of sing fryd
(sang froid), and become werry good hactors ! I know werry
veil wot it is to be timid myself — and that bouldness is not to be
obtained without a good deal of practice ; non-chance (noncha-
lance) requires some time to be mastered ! There was that ere
Bill Walbourn — I always saw the day-light in him ; he was
restless to become sumbody — he had got a nob on his shoulders,
and a pair of heels to his feet !

" Besides, what advantages the young hactors have on my
platform — room for the exercise of their limbs — and an hactor
without action is like a horse that wants whipping, as he never
can get over the ground with ease to himself, or pleasure to the
audience. And several of the female women, who have turned
out werry good performers ; though, at a more advanced part of
their lives, they have been rather too proud to acknowledge
their first school — yet they never forgot my lessons !"

His criticisms, in general, were of the most ludicrous descrip-
tion. In speaking of Mr. Oartlitch, he said, " he was a bould
speaker, and not afraid of his lungs, as he could be heer'd all
over the Feer ; and his tickilation (articulation) was so werry
fine ! But for my ghosts ! — ha ! ha ! ha ! — they were the most
spirited performers in my company."

Had the late Muster Richardson been able to have kept a
common-place book, and noted down the strange fellows that
crossed his path for the last forty or fifty years, the droll inci-
dents he had met with, and the singular circumstances connected
with his life, an unsophisticated work, written according to the
dictates of NATURE, might have been presented to the public,
with great advantages to society, and also been viewed as an
invaluable piece of biography. Muster Richardson lived in a
world, almost his own, amongst the SHOW FOLKS ! but,
nevertheless, if he could not use his pen with the facility of a
short-hand writer, he did not stand all day with his eyes open,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 105

and s<?e nothing ! On the contrary, he was rather a keen ob-
server of human nature — full of anecdote — and could depict,
after his own style, the abilities of various persons, the shifts
resorted to by characters upon the town, with excellent com-
mon sense.

To use his own words, when speaking of Bartholomew Fair
for the last fifty years, arid of the bucks and bloods, as they
were then designated, who frequented the above " raree show,"
to have a peep at what was going on, perhaps may afford some
little amusement to the " moderns " of the present day.

" Bartholomew Fair, in the olden times," observed Muster
Richafdson, " was hailed once a year as the rallying point for
all the ' CHOICE SPIRITS ' in the Metropolis to meet — desirous to
please, be pleased, and to give a taste of their various qualities
— in the long room of the stable-yard at the French Horn, every
evening during the Fair. This meeting was a select affair alto-
gether^ being composed of jovial fellows far above the common
routine of society ; and rather a difficult matter to gain access to
it, if not introduced by a friend, who had the privilege of doing
so. The evening was entirely devoted to harmony ; catches and
glees were the leading' features, with some excellent songs, &c.

The great " pan of the dairy/* upon this occasion, or the chair-
man for the time being, was DICK JOHANNOT — full of life and
spirit, as a high-mettled racer — a steeple-chace sort of creature
— a bottle of sparkling Champagne uncorked — nothing came
amiss to Dick, the well-known celebrated comic singer and actor
at old Astley's Amphitheatre. Johannot was a most distinguished
favorite with the public ; and, although the senior Astley was a
pound, shillings, and pence sort of man, yet Johannot received
a splendid salary, and a couple of benefits in the year. He kept
his horses and curricle, lived in good style, and was the life of
his party. Dick possessed not only a voice of uncommon strength,
but the tone of it was truly harmonious : he sang with the
greatest ease to himself, and was considered one of the best
comic singers of his time. There is nothing like so rich a bur-
letta singer at the present period.

Johannot had a Joe Munden sort of face — he could do any
thing he liked with it — twist it in all manner of shapes, but
never distort it out of humour : he could roll his eyes of fire
with such irresistible effect, that it was impossible not to smile,
but more likely to burst out into a roar of laughter.

Dick was truly the cock of the walk upon his own ground :
he had the good sense to keep it, to know exactly his value, and
not to get out of his depth. He was tempted several times
with great offers by the managers of both the Theatres Royal,
to make an appearance in any character he might select for the
occasion. " No, no," was the reply ; " I am at the top of the
tree here ; I have it all my own way, and no rival to annoy my
feelings ; therefore, I will let well alone.

p

106 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" The Theatre Royal has a high-sounding name, and is rather
flattering", I must admit ; but it will never do for Dick Johannot
to become little A at a big house. A failure would make a bank-
rupt of me in the Court of Fun — I should go down below par ;
and, what might be worse, never be able to rise again. Besides,
I feel convinced there is a peculiar atmosphere for actors to
breathe ; and, what might be considered great at the Amphi-
theatre, might be thought nothing of at a Theatre Royal ;
therefore, I will not chance it." Johannot was the father of the
present Mrs. W. Vining, and his great comic song — the CRIES
OF LONDON : —

Like a lark in the morn, with early song,

Comes the sweep, with his sweep, soot, oh !
Next the cherry- cheek'd damsel she trips it along,

Any milk, pretty .maids, below !
Any dust ! any dust ! goes the tinkling bell,

While sharp in each corner they look ;
Next the Jew, with his bag— Any clothes to sell ;
Any hare-skins, or rabbit-skins, cook !
Let none despise
The merry, merry cries
Of famous London Town !

The facetious TONY LE BRUN, when the fatigues of the Fair
were over, used to drop in and exhibit his comic mug to the
satisfaction of all parties. Tony, at one period of his life, was
one of the inmates at Wargrave, the seat of the spendthrift,
larking Lord Barrymore, when private theatricals were the rage
of his Lordship. Le Brun was also one of the founders of the
Humbug Club, established by his Lordship.

Tony only lived for the moment — To-morrow never gave him
a thought. He was a complete peep-o'-day boy ; and to go to
roost, as he termed it, before the cock began to crow, was a re-
flection upon the man, that he was " told out," and had not
another word to say for himself. " Time was made for slaves/'
He was a man of splendid talents ; but, as to his application of
them, perhaps the less that is said the better.

The anecdote of his shirt has outlived his memory. Tony
was never overburdened with a wardrobe, and his stock of linen
was scanty in the extreme. He sent his only shirt to the
washerwoman — an article that had seen the best of its days for
several months ; but the woman was afraid, if she attempted to
rub it, Tony would be shirtless, as there was great damage of
it going into pieces ; and returned it to him by one of her little
children. " Tell your mother," said Tony, erecting himself in
a pompous attitude, " she is a lazy beast ! — that slie has no in-
vention ! — without brains ! She might have pinned it against
the wall, and thrown soap-suds at it ! "

It was also amongst these wits that SUETT, the celebrated
Dicky Gossip, used to unbend for an hour or two at the English
Carnival, and enter into the fun of the thing with more than or-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 107

dinary spirits ; where he told his tales, cracked his jokes, and
sang his comic songs. His slender figure was Comedy itself —
he appeared like a man hung upon wires. His singular expres-
sion— " Oh dear ! Oh la ! la ! Oh ! " and his whimsical laugh,
always created intense mirth. His character as an actor is en-
tirely lost to the stage ; there was a peculiarity attached to it
which cannot be recognized in any of the comedians of the
present day. As the chairman of a convivial meeting he had
few equals — he never would let " Dull Care " have a seat in his
presence. He was an inveterate punster ; and, according to one
of his biographers, he died with a pun in his mouth. He said
to the late Robert Palmer — " Bobby, my boy, the watchmen are
coming — I hear the rattles ! " The following impromptu was
written by the late Tom Greenwood : —

WIT AND WHEY.

DICK SUETT had dined at Bill Spencer's one day —
Got his drops rather soon, and went staggering away ;
But still feeling thirsty, as was often his lot —
His brain all on fire, his copper quite hot —
ReelM into a pastry-cook's, so his friends say,
There sat himself down, and call'd for some whey :
In an instant 'twas served, but Dick, fond of a joke,
Determin'd a laugh at Puff's cost to provoke,
Said, " Halloo, my friend," after taking a drop,
*• Where am I ? " — " Why, sir, you are inside of my shop ; "
'* I'm inside your shop ! Mr. Pastrycook, hey ?
'Tis a lie," replied Dick, " for I'm over the whey."

Amongst this coterie of choice spirits — none took a higher
lead, or appeared to greater advantage, than the late PERCY
ROBERTS ; he was an artist by profession, and a most excellent
engraver. Percy was also a mimic of the first quality, and for
several years he was of the most erratic dispos tion ; he prefered
what, at that period, was termed vagabondising, in different
parts of the country, in company with the well-known Paddy
Rourke, and the late George Nussey : although his talents were
of a superior description, and he could have lived with the most
comparative ease, like a gentleman. Fortune once or twice
bestowed her gifts upon him — to the tune of several thousand of
pounds ; but this sunshine was not of long duration — light come,
light go, he never appeared to fret, was always gay and happy,
and his excuse for getting rid of his money was, that the saving
banks were not in vogue then, that he might have secured his
cash.

Percy Roberts in person, was viewed as the double of the late
George the Fourth, and at the head of the table, his appearance
and ' small talk/ were of the most imposing description. He
was generally surrounded by young men of property, and who
always promptly obeyed his calls towards the expences of the
night, when he officiated as chairman. He had a pleasant man-
ner of doing things, and magnifying mole hills into mountains.

108 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

* The Gods, my dear boys, always drank nectar/ said he, ' and
we are the sons of Anacreon ! So, my jolly dogs, lets be happy
while we may ! Full bowls ! — flowing- bowls ! — The Gods
never did any thing- by halves ! — Waiters, attend and have a
plentiful supply of bottles of wine ready : and do you mind, if
you do not bring- it from the supernaculum bin, you will be
sent back with it, and g-et no remuneration. Then singing1 : —

O bring me wine ! Bring me wine !
'T is a comfort to the mind, &c.

No man was more awake to the movements of life, than Percy
Roberts ; he was affable, polite, interesting-, and his manners
were sure to make an impression on strang-ers. He had a g-ood
address, but never profound upon any subject ; he floated on the
surface, yet he was extremely imposing-, and always took the
lead in companies where he was present. — His song- was always
ready when called upon ; and he made it a point never to make
any excuse. This sort of readiness to oblig-e, made him a favourite
in all the convivial societies he visited. Roberts' mock bravura
was the delig-ht of all companies ; and he never sang- it without
the loudest encore. The story of it ran thus : — The wife of a
French musical composer had left the baby in the cradle for
Monsieur to take care of while she went out to purchase some
trifling- errand. The child cries — the composer is compelled to
leave his score, to take the child out of the cradle, who happens
to be disordered in its bowels. The composer, in a rag-e, not
knowing- what to do with the baby, exclaims —

" Must I tear my score?"

Among-st the numerous qualifications which Percy Roberts
possessed, he performed the part of clown, for the benefit of
Delpini, at the Haymarket Theatre, with considerable applause.

To add to the above list of g-ay mortals, who were determined
to make it appear that the rig-ht end of life was to live and be
jolly, was the eccentric BILL SWORDS, a low comedian of con-
siderable repute, both on and off the stage — a gallimaufry per-
sonag-e — a great man at the free and easy clubs in the Metropolis,
and who had always g-ot a benefit on the stocks, at some public
house or the other; 'Just/ as he said, ' by way of keeping- the
devil out of his pockets ; and also, to produce him one of those
musical sounds which g-ave him pleasure — the singing of his
tea-kettle. Swords was a great tea-drinker, but not without the
embellishments of French cream — lots of brandy in it. He was
a conspicuous feature among-st the choice spirits, for his comic
song-s, and his droll stories. It was astonishing the interest he
used to excite in company by his manner of relating- them — they
were told with such an air of truth — names were mentioned —
dates refered too — and circumstances developed — -facts he insist-
ed upon, to give them effect — that his auditory could never per-
suade themselves it was all romance. To show how the fashions

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 109

have altered since that period — respecting- the head dress of
men, the following- song-, sung- by Swords, was in great repute :

The youth comes up to town to learn all modern foppery,
For London town, no better place, to teach those from the country j
He soon finds out what is wanting, and like him not sees one in ten,
But rolls into a barber's shop to get a swinging tail, and then—-
This is the way to be a roily kiddy O !
The girls will all admire you,
And swear you are the tippy, O !

The versatility of talent displayed at this meeting was truly
delightful, the chairman only called on those persons who were
capable of amusing- the company, and failures never occurred ,
although a great variety of faces presented themselves every
evening- during- the fair. Davy Everard, said to be a natural
son of the Roscius — David Garrick, Esq., if in London at the
time, always put in an appearance. He felt very proud of his
orig-in, and he took care to let every person know who was his
father ; but his dear mamma was never heard of. In his
benefit bill, he always signed himself a pupil of that great man.
It is true, that Garrick noticed him in the early part of his life ;
but the habits of Everard were so attached to dissipation, that
he ultimately lost his patron. Nevertheless, he was a man of
lirst-rate abilities ; as an English dancer, at that period, he was
considered above par, and a student under the celebrated
Slingsby. Everard was a fascinating companion — a most excel-
lent mimic, — and his tales and recitations almost spell -bound his
listeners. Day-light, to Everard, was of little use — breaking up
a company, or being called a starter, were phrases that never
applied to his conduct. He never thought of retiring until he
was either turned out of the house by the landlord, or fell off his
chair from the want of repose. The bacchanalian song described
Everard to a T.

What have we with day to do ?
Sons of care, 'twas made for you.

" If there was one man more than another/' observed Muster
Richardson, " intituled to the phrase of ' choice spirit ' in the
true meaning of the word to its fullest extent, it was the late
TOM GREENWOOD, the distinguished scene painter of Drury
Lane Theatre, and of whom Lord Byron thus noticed in his poem
of * English Bards and Scotch Reviewers: —

Where genius ne'er confines
Her flights, to garnish Greenwood's gay designs.

" He never misssed paying me a visit at Bartholomew Fair ;
and his presence always afforded me infinite pleasure. Green-
wood always appeared delig .ted with the eccentricity and
humour of the scene. Tom was very fond of ( seeing life/ arid
in accordance with his profession, as a scene painter, he enter-
tained an opinion, that he could never see too much of the
peculiarities of human nature. The exertions of Greenwood
were directed to please mankind and make them happy.

1 10 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

*' He was a most inoffensive creature in disposition, there was
nothing- presuming- about his person, but affable and accessible at
all times ! He despised the rude insolent blackg-uard, the imper-
tinent coxcomb, and the overbearing eg-otist.

" Greenwood could not live without the pleasure of mixing"
with^society ; and when the fatigues of the day were over at the
theatre, it was his general custom to mix with authors, poets,
painters, actors, &c., who had obtained some eminence in the
world, or acquired a name for their abilities.

" In every thing that Greenwood undertook to perform, he
was clever and happy ; his prologues and epilogues were excel-
lent, nothing dull or prosing about them. His peculiar mode of
' returning thanks/ when his health has been drunk, was of the
neatest description, and full of point.

" Through his exertions the principal pantomimes were pro-
duced at Sadler's Wells, in the best days of one of the best
clowns that ever illustrated the boards of any theatre — Joey
Grimaldi.

" Nothing could exceed the brilliancy of the scenes painted by
Greenwood, in the burletta of Tom and Je-iry, got up at the
above place of amusement, under the management of the late
Mr. Egerton.

" He published a small volume of poetry, intituled, ' Rhym-
ing Reminiscences/ which was well received by the public :
and his burletta of the * Death of Life in London/ performed for
upwards of fifty nights with the most flattering success.

tf Greenwood was one of the most intimate friends of the late
Jack Emery, and Billy Blanchard, distinguished for their convi-
vial talents at the Hygean Society, held at the King's Arms,
Holborn.

" Tom was a great enemy to rows of any kind, knocking down
watchmen was entirely unconnected with his pursuits, keeping
out of watchhouses, and appearing before magistrates his decid-
ed aim.

" Greenwood was one of the readiest men ever seen in uniting
the efforts of his pen with the execution of his pencil. He was
an invaluable man to any theatre. The loss of such a person must
be generally felt by society : full of talents in his own person,
he was a great admirer of them in others ; nothing like envy
ever rankled in his bosom, well-knowing the immense difficulty
to obtain an eminence in London ; he was liberal in the extreme
to rising merit, and whenever he had an opportunity of bestow-
ing his patronage, the tyro always met with a helping hand from
the late Tom Greenwood.

" It would be totally impossible/' said Muster Richardson, " to
pass over a theatrical gent, of the name of Dighton, once the
' great card* at Sadler's Wells ; indeed, it might be said he was
the principal prop of that place of amusement. Dighton and
Sadler's Wells were almost synonymous ; so great a feature was

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. Ill

he at one period of his career. He was distinguished for his
performance of Irish characters and comic songs. Dighton was
viewed as a good set-off against Johannot at Astley's ; and the
contrast between them proved of great service to the opposite
houses. He was a great favorite with the public, and deservedly
so ; and when he left the stage the chasm that occurred was
never filled up. In addition to his capabilities as an actor, he
was the most distinguished caricaturist of his day, and had a
style of his own. St. James' and Hyde Parks affording him
rich subjects for his pencil, his likenesses were so extremely ac-
curate that no one could mistake who they were meant for. His
shop-window, in which they were exhibited at Charing Cross,
was so crowded wkh spectators outside, that numerous passen-
gers were compelled to resort to the road to pursue their course.
Dighton was a choice spirit, to the very echo !

The meeting previously alluded to was not distinguished
wholly for the resort of actors and singers ; but persons of li-
terary character were to be seen amongst them. An author,
known at that time by the title of Anthony Pasquin 9 celebrated
for his poem of the Children of Thespis, and the Lives of Lord
Barrymore, and Edwin, the great comic actor : he was also con-
nected with the leading newspapers at that period. Pasquin
(otherwise Williams) was a man of considerable abilities,
who could handle the out-door subjects better than most men of
his time ; although he had to compete with the celebrated Major
Topham, of the Post, and Sir Henry Bate Dudley, of the
Herald. Pasquin was a leading theatrical critic, and very much
looked up to by the actors of that period. But, it is urged, there
is such an affinity between " choice spirits/' that they will find
each other out, and assemble together ; no matter whether it is
in a cellar, a garret, a fair, or a tavern. Talent loves talent —
and that accounts for it.

" But," said Muster Richardson, (C I have lived to see all
those ' choice spirits ' called to their Mother Earth (with a sigh,
something like a foreboding that he might soon follow them),
and this sort of thing is all gone by now-a-days ; and I am sure
( I shall never look upon their like again/ There was nothing
like a calculating fellow amongst them who had any idea of
making a purse for another day ; yet they were all clever in
furnishing expedients, upon the shortest notice, to * raise the
wind!' But those 'choice spirits/ as they are termed, never
do, nor can they last as long as other men, because the rapidity
of their enjoyments consume them : they are faster than race-
horses— they are always on the gallop through life ! But, with
all their nous, they did not give themselves half a chance.
Sleep they never count upon, and only succumb to it when nature
cannot hold out any longer ; and then — they drop off their
perch."

"I look back with astonishment," said the showman, <( at the

112 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

time when I first commenced to amuse the public (swindling, 1
am aware, some persons call it), in my humble way, respecting'
the improvement of the theatres, scenery, dresses, &c. ; but, to
be candid, I cannot say as much for the improvement of the ac-
tors. I may be called partial, and my judgment questioned, but
I have seen more real talent exhibited at Peers than I ever saw
at any of the licensed Theatres."

Old Ducrow, father of the present lessee of Astley's Amphi-
theatre, was a great opponent for several years at the fairs ; and
also old Saunders ; but Richardson, if he was deficient in personal
talents with either of the above active, clever men, had
always some little dodge, he said, to keep pace with them in
producing* novelties for the public.

Muster Richardson was extremely liberal to actors who visited
his show during- the fair, (and several performers belonging- to
the Theatres Royal, out of curiosity, used to g-o and see what the
performances were like,) but he was fond of fiie profession in
g-eneral : and on ' passing them' he would observe to his door-
keeper, " It is all rig-lit, Jem, pass that ere g-entleman, he is a
professional hactor, and belong-s to one of the Theatres Royal.
We are werry g-lad to see them: I loves talent. — He is one
of us !"

During- the career of Muster Richardson, he had, in several
Country Fairs, to contend ag-ainst magisterial authority, who
would not listen, he used to assert, either to rhyme or reason.
Frequently, after the Fair was over, he wished to have a private
nig-ht or two to act plays ; but the Mag-istrates either refused
their consent, or he was threatened with informations if he acted
contrary to their wishes ; the penalty of which, according to the
Act of Parliament, is 50/. He, therefore, in one town, issued
the following- singular bill, which he called his dummy expla-
nation of the grievances he laboured under : —

The " MANAGER in Distress," and under circumstances of Re-
straint, is compelled to put forth a

QUIET

CLAIM TO NOVELTY,
By commencing- with

A PIECE — a new PIECE — and nothing else but an ORIGINAL
PIECE, written, or rather pENN-ed, by a well-known

ERRATIC WRITER,

Who has nothing- for his CHARACTERS to say — Speech-making-
also out of the question — yet, nevertheless, they will address

The audience without WORDS !

A TOUCH-AND-GO thing- altog-ether — twenty minutes in leng-th
— not by Shrewsbury, but by the nearest clock in the Town.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 113

The Piece is legitimate — the line has been kept — and the de-
nouement also in strict accordance with the Patents of the
Great Houses (with such nicety of taste, that those precious
documents have not been robbed of a single particle of dust),
in which will be depicted, in silent sorrow, all the luxury of
woe, to the echo that applauds again : but, as a matter of
course, GRIEF cannot, must not, ought not to be encored —
yet with the liberty to enjoy, but not to repeat it — set down
as the

TONGUE-TIED ACTORS !

OR, THE

DUMMIES

Struggling to make themselves intelligible to JOHN BULL !

" We must speak by the card, or equivocation will undo us!"

IMMORTAL BILLY.

But tell it not to LIBERTY ! — Hear it not, REFORM ! Disciples
of the PRESS bear it in mind as one of the imposing Spec-
tacles of 1832. Weep, Authors, weep ! — your occupation'-s
gone ! ! Drop a tear, ACTORS — a legitimate drop ! ! ! The
tear that bedews sweet Sensibility's shrine ! Enough ! — too
much ! but exit ACTING — the Farce is over, and

CHAOS COMES AGAIN!!!!

Behold MELPOMENE devoid of utterance — THALIA quite speech-
less— and the MANAGER not having one word to say for himself !

Can such things be?
And overcome us, like a summer's cloud, without our special wonder!

The noisy, talkative, uproarious Country DAGGERWOOD reduced
to a dummy in every town —

"True, 'tis pity; and pity 'tis, 'tis true! "

The matronly Lady DAGGERWOOD, with all the numerous little
DAGGERS, drawn forth upon this touching occasion, without
RE -dress !

ASSISTED BY

A mob of non-legitimates, and a variety of other DUMMIES,
whose features will talk, if their TONGUES are unable to
perform their usual office; and, by way of

LIGHT AND SHADE TO THE PIECE,

A Caper, in GRIEF, will take place, with steps of the most
doleful description ; in which the heels of the Performers must
SPEAK for them to the audience.

And as sort of a make-weight,

A CUDGELLING MATCH will be introduced (names not
being required to illustrate this peculiar rencontre,) between
a legitimate GOG and a TINY OPPONENT in the Minor K.

Q

114 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

To which will be added,

A serious LA-MENT, of the most penetrating- description, to
prevent the Comedy of the " ROAD TO RUIN " being- chang-ed
to a most distressing trag-edy.

I do remember me, when a MINOR became a MAJOR —

And when that MAJOR descended to a Minor!

" Over the water to Charley." "But LAW is LAW !"

The wind-up will be the appearance of

A GREAT CHARACTER !

ONE OF THE
MOST ILLUSTRIOUS SORT!— EN PASSANT.

In order to render the denouement complete and decisive, and
the effect interesting- and APPROPRIATE.

N. B. The trouble of listening to the above Piece will be dis-
pensed with, but to see it is a matter of considerable import-
ance to the Theatrical World.

Further Particulars in the Bills of the Day.

Richardson's mode of discourse and languag-e, owing- to the want
of education, was rather peculiar, and he had a host of imitators
amongst the actors : for instance — " How do you do, Mr.
Richardson ?" — his answer was, " Pretty well, thank you — my
every thing- — as God's my judg-e, Muster."

He was a shrewd, calculating man, and well knew how to
( measure ' thet public. He employed the first-rate scene-
painters, Messrs. Grieve, and the late Tom Greenwood ; his
dresses were equal, if not superior in costliness, to the Theatres
Royal. Facts are stubborn thing's. — The front of his booth alone
cost several hundred pounds.

A few years since, he felt inclined to g-ive up his theatrical
concern ; and employed the celebrated Georg-e Robins, the
auctioneer, to dispose of it ; but with all the tact and knowledg-e
of the world possessed by this distinguished hero of catalogues,
no bidder appeared, and it was bought in.

Muster Richardson had an idea, at one period of his life, of
bringing out a new piece according to his own experience on the
subject, under the title of The Fudge Family !' " For," said he,
to the person whom he wished to write it from his observations,
" no man has had so much to do with the FUDGES in theatrical
life, as I have ; I can give a werry good account of them, they
are a werry large family." However, nothing more was done
towards the production of the piece, than the following bill: —

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 115

THE FUDGE FAMILY ;

OR,

ACTORS ON THE ROAD TO FAME !

TRAVELLERS see strange Things ! ! !

Being an Original, Laughable, Whimsical, Poetical, Numerical,
Musical, Mathematical, Farcical, Didatical, Lyrical, Comical,
Rhapsodical, Theatrical, Provincical, Mimical, Parodical,
Operatical, Analytical, Row-ical, Olympical, (not Piratical,)
and not in the least

TRAGICAL !

PERFORMANCE.

SHOWING — "That one man in his time plays many parts!"
Also, that "Life's a jest!" To die! to sleep! to die all,
to die nobly ! That's your sort ! or, in other words, to make
a good EXIT ! The FUDGE FAMILY will, in consequence,
put their shoulders to the wheel, 'to make a long pull, a
strong pull, and a pull altogether, in order to represent a

COLLECTION OF INTERESTING SCENES FROM

NATURE,

MIXED UP WITH A TINY BIT OF ART !

By a well-known FANCY writer,

ACT-ing up to the liveliest feelings of his IMAGINATION, to
put into a tangible shape, something after the manner of an
OPERA, BURLETTA, MELO-DRAMA, EXTRAVA-
GANZA, BROAD-FARCE, or rather an OLLA-PODRIDA,
including a variety of harmonious SNATCHES from the
most approved AIRS in the PLAY World, to hold as it were
the Mirror, pointing out the advantages of DRESS and
ADDRESS, illuminated by those powerful auxiliaries —

The entrance of FUN— the attendance of MIRTH— the Com-
pany of LAUGHTER— the force of RIDICULE— the
touching qualities of PATHOS, to illustrate, captivate,
and elicit applause at any rate — and the power
of EMPHASIS, to bring down the Three
Rounders — but above all to display an
animated

KNOWLEDGE OF LIFE AND CHARACTER !
PORTRAYING

116 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

The insurmountable difficulties attendant on the Lives of Actors
in general, throughout a variety of EXITS and ENTRANCES,
— INS and OUTS — UPS and DOWNS, and changes of the
scene to the end of the chapter —

THAT ENDS OUR strange, eventful HISTORY !

The FUDGE FAMILY has been written with the laudable
attempt to please all parties ; at the same time, the mind's
eye has been on the look-out to avoid giving offence to any
body ; and in order not to o'erstep the modesty of nature !

The representation of the Fudge Family is intended for this

Night only,

A SORT OF DRESS REHEARSAL ;

Without agenerous, enthusiastic, enlightened, liberal, discerning,

high-minded, and laughter-loving PUBLIC, should most

spiritedly enter into the TOUCH and GO Sketch of

"HE WOULD BE A PLAYER!"

and add their mighty, and all powerful stamp to it of a taking
quality, so as to RUN the piece off its Legs, without making

A CRIPPLE OF IT!

" Tis a Consummation most devoutly to be wished !" — Hem ! —
SHAKESPEARE.

After getting over his difficulties he began to realize money
very fast, and for several years past he put by large sums of
money. He had no family, was rather an abstemious person in
his mode of living, industrious to the echo, and very plain in
his manners and dress. But his heart lay in the right place ; he
was not only alive to a tale of distress, but ready to relieve
the object of it. He was a charitable, feeling man, to all
intents and purposes ; and numbers have been assisted in the
hour of need by his liberality, who, we hope, will cherish his
memory with respect. At St. Alban's, when a terrible fire took
place, and a subscription was set on foot for the uninsured,
he subscribed his hundred pounds, styling himself, — "the
Showman !"

Property, in general, is so much exaggerated, that a variety
of reports had got into circulation, stating Muster Richardson had
died worth between thirty and forty thousand pounds ; but the
true statement is — that his property altogether did not reach ten
thousand pounds, and his theatrical concern, dresses, &c., did
not fetch, when sold by auction, one thousand pounds. But
when it is taken into consideration, that he was the architect

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 117

of his own fortune — a poor workhouse boy — struggling through
immense difficulties— in a most arduous and precarious line of
life, and after rendering great assistance to several other per-
sons— it must be viewed in the show department, as a large sum
of money ! Very few of our greatest actors have died worth
so much property ; nay, half that sum.

The sudden demise of the great showman was rather unex-
pected. He had scarcely closed his season for the year at
Bartholomew Fair — seen all his waggons safely stowed away
— his dresses carefully covered up in the wardrobe — his music
collected together and put on the shelf — his company of
strollers dismissed to their homes — and prepared himself to
enjoy the comforts of Woodland Cottage, (his residence for
upwards of thirty-three years, — a neat building, excellently
well furnished, and contains some good old paintings.) until the
return of Easter Monday should again call him forth to meet
his numerous- patrons at Greenwich, when the " Grim King
of Terrors," the most terrific spectre he had ever had to deal
with, made his appearance —

'' So come along, no more we'll part,

He said, and touched him with his dart."

A few minutes before he died (at seven o'clock on the morn-
ing of Monday the 14th,) he observed to his female attendant
and friend, Mrs. Johnson, " that his mind was quite comfortable
— he was prepared to die — that he had disposed of his property
entirely to his satisfaction, and he was quite resigned. "

Mr. Cross, of the Surrey Zoological Gardens, he appointed
one of his executors ; and, according to his wishes, he was
buried at Great Marlow, in Buckinghamshire. His remains
were conveyed from London in a hearse and four, accompanied
by two mourning coaches ; his friends being extremely
anxious to pay every respect to his memory. A great num-
ber of the inhabitants of Marlow went out to meet the fune-
ral procession upwards of a mile from the town ; and his
body was carried to and from the church by several of the
most respectable inhabitants of Great Marlow. Mr. Johnson
rendered every attention to the funeral and grave of his worthy
predecessor ! who was upwards of severity years of age.
At all events the late Muster Richardson was a great feature
with the public; and take him for "all in. all," you may
travel a long distance before you find a better man.

The theatrical concern of the late Muster Richardson has been
purchased by Messrs. Johnson and Nelson Lee ; the 'former was
in his service for several years ; and he felt so much satisfaction
at his integrity, that he remembered him in his will to the
amount of five hundred pounds, free of legacy duty : (but all

118 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

his bequests were left free of duty,) and the latter, a person of
considerable abilities as an actor, and mariag-er of Sadler's Wells.
They will, by their united efforts and experience start well ; and
produce an improved state of thing's in the show department.
Their wardrobe is entirely new ; with a new stage front, paint-
ed by Mr. Marshall of Covent Garden Theatre ; they are
determined to spare neither expense nor exertions to merit the
support of the public.

In a sequestered spot,
In Great Marlow Church Yard,

after a long- career,

Of bustle, incidents, and humour,

Lie the remains of the late

MUSTER RICHARDSON!

The celebrated SHOPMAN!

He was
The HERO of his own TALE,

and
One of the principal

FUNNIMENTS

IN ENGLAND,

For the last Fifty Years :

It was his
RULING PASSION

To make Mankind laug-h and forg-et their cares !

" I knew him well, Horatio ! "

And, to do him justice, he was the

FAIR-est of the FAIR !

He raised himself from the most wretched obscurity in Life

to a NOTORIETY in the eyes of the World that

few Men could hope to obtain !

HE ffAS THE GREAT OUT-DOOR FEATURE OF AMUSEMENT!

and the name of

RICHARDSON

appeared like a charm at all the Fairs !,

He lived by snow-ing- up the Public !

He had a great predilection for SOUND, and the GONG did

great wonders for him — by it he made a great Noise

in the Country !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 119

ALL THE WORLD WAS HIS STAGE!

And the canopy of Heaven his dome !

Entrances and Exits were his delight !

PANTOMIMES, DANCES, and MELO-DRAMAS, were his forte !

Harlequin, Columbine, and Clown, his " Great Creatures ! "

And " Walk up ! walk up ! walk up !
" The PLAYERS are here ! "

were words of the greatest importance

IN HIS BOOK !

But the grim King* of Terrors pounced upon him, with the
cue, to say that

THE SHOW WAS OVER,

And that MUSTER RICHARDSON

must

DROP THE CURTAIN !

He bowed content, having* reached the summit of Man's Life —

Three Score and Ten Years —

and his

LAST ACT

was,
Previous to his grand EXIT,

that
HE DIED IN GOOD HUMOUR

with
ALL MANKIND!

At Woodland Cottag-e, Monday, Nov. 14, 1836.
PEACE TO HIS MANES!

120 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER VIII.

CHARLES TURF, Esq. : a character upon the town — up to every
thing — with a LINGO of his own — yet a man of observation,
and a most excellent companion. Jl glance at the Sporting
Booth — all sorts of folks — Nature unadorned — Niceties not
required — Jack as good as his Master — Independence of
feeling to the echo — Looks dangerous, and speech worse —
the old adage desirable, " To hear much and speak little."
A Song for those that like it — a curiosity in Literature — a
scrap for D' ISRAELI. The handsome female with a fine
bust — Beauty powerful in all companies. The maker of a
Book; but no READER. A fig for Literature — Authors
distanced as to chance, ^ to 4. A figure in rhetoric. The
Free and Easy Concert — every body welcome — WEBER not
known, and BISHOP not thought of. Babel — to wit, " Jill
round my Cap!" " Tommerhoo I " Silence! Silence!
Silence ! What a Row ! For shame — when a FEMALE
WOMAN shews her ivories ! What low remarks ! Vulgar
fellows! Keep your jaw to yourself! or else — WJtat ?
Why! You'll meet with a stop -j aw ! Indeed! How
liberal! Enough! Too much. Who' s for Lunnun ? The
Costard-monger and his Prod — Every man to his calling.
Any port in a storm. The dangers of TICKLING ; or, keep
your hands to yourself, Ould Chap ! A glance at low life
— Rum Customers. St. Paul's in sight — and the PILGRIMS
once more at home.

" WE cannot quit the Fair while there is any thing- worthy of
our sight and observation," observed Makemoney to his brother
Pilgrims ; " besides, novelty and a change of scene render our
pilgrimage more interesting."

" Any where you please," replied Flourish : " we look up to
you, sir, as our leader, Mentor, guide, &c. ; therefore, make no
apology for any place that you take us to visit — I am not at all
inclined to be particular. No — I am for research."

" Let us see all we can, uncle," said Sprightly ; " we came
out for that purpose. I am anxious to become acquainted with
life, in all its various grades."

" You will perceive by the sign (pointing to a painting
of two men in the attitude of self-defence), that this booth is
connected with the Sporting World ; I do not think our day's
pleasure would be complete without we visit it, just to see what

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 121

is going on, and 1 am almost certain we shall meet with an
old friend of mine, CHARLES TURF, Esq. You will be very
much pleased with him/' said Makemoney to his nephew ; " his
dialogue is quite his own — that is to say, it is the peculiar
phraseology made use of by that class of society to which he
belongs. He is one of the most independent, lively fellows in
the kingdom — full of point in his remarks, but here and there
interspersed with a few slang terms ; yet, nevertheless, he is a
man of general knowledge. It is an honor to know him ; and I
do not think he has the shadow of a bad trait in his whole
composition/'

" I hope you will meet with him," said his nephew, " as he
will not only keep us alive, but put us up to a thing or two."

" Respecting the properties of a horse," replied Makemoney,
" he is eloquent in the extreme, and is well known at Tatter-
sail's. His opinion has great weight ; indeed, his soul and body
appear to be quite wrapt up in matters of this kind : he is con-
sidered a thorough-bred sportsman. Here he is, sure enough,
over his cigar, and he sees us "

" What, my old friend, Jack Makemoney, I am glad to see
you— give us hold of your flipper" said Turf ; " done all your
dirty work, I hear — that's your sort ! — all right for you, my
young 'un (giving a nod to his nephew). Now you have cut
trade, I see, you have time to unbend a little ; and above vulgar
prejudices, too! That's the time of day, my flower! But I
certainly did not expect to have seen you at the sporting-booth
— I thought you used to be a little particular about being seen
in such places."

" True, when I was in business I always held it incompatible
with my character ; but now having retired," answered Make-
money, " I do not care who sees me any where. To tell you
the truth, Mr. Turf, curiosity induced us to enter ; and also for
the decided purpose of meeting with you."

(< That's right, ould chap," replied Turf ; " the longer we
live, you know, the more we ought to learn — and your curiosity
will be highly gratified ; for there are a number of jolly dogs
here, and I will not say there are not some rum customers
amongst them, who are not particular as to nicety of lingo ; but
if you give no offence, you need not fear being affronted. Plea-
sant Jem, the cove here, is wide awake to his own interest, and
civility is his motto. He will not stand any nonsense : he looks
well after his customers. Only produce the tip, and Dusty Bob
is as good to him as my Lord Duke — the cash is the test of
goodness with Jem — he don't understand chalk ; indeed, he has
riot got a bit of it in the book — PONTIC won't do here."

" There appears a great many people here : are they all
sporting folks, sir ? " asked Flourish.

" That is more than I can answer for," replied Turf, rather
sharply : " through my life — you'll excuse me, sir— I have always

R

122 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

made my own game ; and I let other people play their cards as
they like : that is to say, in plain English, I never trouble my
head with other people's affairs — it is too Paul-Pryish for me."

" That's a little one in for you — therefore, be on your guard/'
whispered Sprightly to Flourish.

" Do not think me harsh, sir/' said Turf; "I see you are a
stranger, and I am sure my advice will not be thrown away upon
you. Novices are likely to get into danger sometimes, from
sheer ignorance, when they least expect it ; although, at the
same time, they have no intention of giving offence. I am well
known here, on the turf, and at most of the sporting places in
the kingdom ; and though I publicly say, ' Damn your remarks/
I do not owe a mag in the world ; therefore, I do not care for
anybody — but that does not apply to you as a stranger ; yet, un-
derstand me : there are persons here who do not like to be looked
at — the stare, or dead-set at them is unwelcome to their feelings
— they are apt to think you have an unpleasant motive in doing
so towards them. It is a strange world we live in, and you
ought to have the eyes of Argus to look about you, to steer
clear from difficulties."

" I am quite certain," answered Makemoney, " that my friend
Frank will be grateful for your advice ; and I hope you will par-
don my curiosity, for both Jem and myself are as much in fault
as he has been; but there is a certain curiosity attached to these
sort of places, that a person cannot exactly suppress4^— which
must plead our excuse ; but under the generalship of Charles
Turf, we shall not commit any more errors, although the old
proverb does not stand good here," he concluded laughingly, —
" * that a cat may look at a king !' "

" May be not, uncle," answered Jem, " but when we are at
Rome, we should do as Rome does ! Therefore, we will leave
it entirely to Mr. Turf, to point out to us, or say what he thinks
proper, for our information ; and I am sure we shall not have to
complain of his silence."

" The tall, genteel looking young man, you see in conversa-
tion with pleasant Jem," said Turf, " is the person, called the
Phenomenon, in the sporting world — a chip of the old block, and
never defeated in the P. R. He has won several battles ; by
the side of him is the ' Pet of the Fancy/ equally conspicuous as a
pugilist ; but as that sort of amusement appears to have had its
day with the public, arid is now nearly laid on the shelf, we shall
not say any more on that subject.

" But look to your right, — that little natty fellow, as nice and
clean as if he had just come out of a band-box, is Bob Driver,
the well-known jockey ! That's the boy for the winning post !
He can manage a horse with as much ease as I do a spinning
top ! He knows when to make play, and push for the race,
with the best of them on the turf — on the Derby, and Oak days,
and the St. Leger, at Doncaster, he is a great man ! Half a nod

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 123

from Bob, nay, the slightest wink, to a betting- man, is a point
gained, and his head is screwed on the right way.

" Talk of the Penny Magazine, and the Guide to Knowledge,
they are mere waste paper, when compared with Bob's upper
works. It is true, that he cannot write a volume, but he can
make not only as interesting-, but perhaps, a more valuable
BOOK, than any author that you have got in your catalogue.

" He has not been idle — he has made a purse for himself — and
his name is good for a high figure at the Blunt Magazine, and
no questions asked. Bob always proved himself a good calcu-
lator, and never let the opportunity, however dazzling it might
appear in his favour, put it to the chauce of depriving him of his
last sovereign — desperate hazards would not do for Bob — a
palace or a workhouse ! by which good conduct, he has been
able to provide against the wind, rain, quarter-day, tax-
g:atherers, &c., and all those other disagreeables in life. Be-
sides, Bob always ' comes to scale' like a trump. He pays all
his bets off hand ; and he is nothing else ' but a right one/ and
what I call, an ornament to the sporting circles."

The discourse was interrupted here, by loud calls of silence !
silence ! for a song, and give us the Highwayman of the Olden
Times, Bill.

" The song, or rather the parody, you are about to hear," said
Turf, " is respecting a noted highwayman, who composed it
while he was under sentence of death, and sent it, accompanied
with an introductory letter,* to the female he cohabited with,

* " My dearest Peg,

" Keep this chant (a) as a rummy-nooseness of your inforlunate Bob ! and
do not * nap (6) your bib ' for wot can't be helped ! as some folks you know are
born to be twisted (c) and others drowned ! I think as how it is much better than
any last dying speech, birth, parentage, and all that ere sort of caper — but, as to
confession, why that you are aware, my Peg, is all my eye and Betty Martin. I
always did keep secrets; and as to become a nose, — no, no — I shan't split now !

*' But you know the traps (d) first nippered (e) me; the beaks (/} then lum-
bered (g) poor Bob ; the big wigs (/i) knocked him down, which rendered your
fancy man of no use to you, Peggy, or any body else ; and the nubbing cldt (z)
will finish the innings by changing Unfortunate Bob into a stiff (/c) un ! But let
me be ' put to bed' (7) decently, for you know, Peg, I never was a shabby or a
mean fellow in my life ; and, therefore, I should like the tie-up of poor Bob to be
nothing else but good. I am sure some of my old pals will watch in turns,
throughout the darky (m), to prevent the body-snatchers from selling me for an
ottamy (n).

" See this done, and I am quite resigned to my fate. When you receive this
scrive (o) the handlhat wrote it will be stiff and motionless — my once bold heart
as cold as ice- — my courage gone — and my unbounded love for the * loveliest of
mots' (/>), which touches me more than all the rest, silenced for ever. And I,
who never flinched from a trap when he tried to deprive me of my liberty, or
boldly called out, regardless of the danger, to a coach and four, ' Stop and de-
liver! ' will be numbered with the dead.

" Therefore, keep your weather-eye up, and look out for squalls when your
Bob is off the hooks ! Give the kid a kiss, and tell him that the ould chap died
game. You'll find some steeven (7) in my reader, if you can't gammon the draper
out of any crape to hoist signals of distress. My ogles (r) are like a river ; and

124 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

the night before his execution. The hero of the song1, was one
of the most daring- fellows that ever existed, a second Jerry
Abershaw,* and who set powder, ball, and rope at defiance •;
and who was a complete terror to the police officers.

I, who never shed a tear before in my life — have them now streaming down my
cheeks. Farewell ! I am off — I can sayjio more — my chaffer sticks to my mouth.
From your doating, but

" In -fortunate, daring BOB."

(Notes upon the Note.)— a. letter ; 6. To shed tears; c. hanged ; d. officer ; e.
hand-cuffed ; /. justices ; g. sent to prison ; h. judges ; i. Jack Ketch ; k. a
corpse; 1. buried; m. the night; n. skeleton; o. letter ; p. cyprians j q. money ;
r. eyes.

* The annals of the country do not record a more hardened wretch than Aber-
shaw, who was executed at Kennington, about forty years since, for the murder
of Price, a police-officer. Being visited the day before his execution by his fa-
ther in the New Gaol, he said to the afflicted old man, "Father, what signifies
your troubling yourself about me, I am only going to H — , to have a game at
All Fours with some of my old companions." On the way to execution, near
Newington Church, he kicked off his shoes, and threw his hat away. When the
halter had been put about his neck, after a horrid imprecation, he said to Little, a
fellow-sufferer, " Mind your d — d long legs don't dangle against mine, for I in-
tend to make an easy journey of it." He not only refused to join in prayer with
the clergyman who attended on the occasion, but insulted him with the most
gross language, and even attempted to kick at him. On account of the desperate
temper of this offender, his legs were bound with a cord before leaving the pri-
son. Upon the cap being drawn over his face, he said to the excutioner, " Well,
good bye to you. old boy — I wish you better luck than I have had !" and then,
by an effort of his strength, sprung out of the cart, when the cord confining his
legs snapped. As he rode in the cart, he appeared entirely unconcerned — had a
sprig of myrtle in his mouth, his bosom was thrown open, and he kept up an in-
cessant conversation with the persons who rode near the vehicle he was in, fre-
quently laughing and nodding to others of his acquaintance whom he perceived in
the crowd, which was immense. The prisons in the Metropolis, at the period
alluded to, were not subject to the improved and severe state of discipline which
is now observed in the whole of them : they were then all noise and uproar, in-
stead of the " silent " system ; and a prisoner could live as much at his ease, and
enjoy his comforts, as when outside of the jail, provided he had but the money to
pay for them. Lockit's ideas in the Beggar's Opera was the mode acted upon —
" Fetters at any price ! " In consequence of which, Abershaw passed his time
in the most agreeable manner during his confinement j and, like Macheath, he
was visited by his favorite mistresses— drank his wine, and became the hero of
the tale. He was a man of gallantry — had received an excellent education, and
he also held a superior situation in the navy. Neither was he destitute of ta-
lent ; he used to relate his numerous robberies on the road, dished up in the
style of romances or lively anecdotes ; and laugh heartily at the fright and con-
sternation he had frequently put upon the inoffensive passengers, when he bade
them " stand and deliver ! " He was quite a feature in the prison ; and nothing
scarcely was heard, from one end of it to the other, but the extraordinary feats
and adventures of Jerry Abershaw. His undaunted resolution and courage never
forsook him ; and, under any circumstances, the slightest particle of fear was
never to be discovered in his composition. He was a terror to the officers ; and
two years elapsed before he was taken after he shot Price. He always carried
pistols about him, and laid them on the table during meals, that he might be pre-
pared against any sudden attack. However, he was betrayed by a favorite mis-
tress into the hands of the officers of justice : she secured his pistols unperceived
by him, then gave the signal, when they rushed upon him, and safely secured
him, befoie he was able to make any resistance. Upon the entrance of the officers

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 125

" The parody is considered a fine specimen of the cant
language, which may vary a little from the olden times, when
Ben Jonson used to quote it ; but there is something so emphatic
and peculiar about the slang, that in more modern times, two of
our greatest poets have called it to their aid — MOORE, in his
'Tom Crib's Memorial to Congress/ and the late LORD BYRON,
in his ' Don Juan/ have indulged in such phrases. Likewise the
refined author of the ' Last Days of Pompeii/ has not thought
it beneath his pen to fill the mouth of his hero — Paul Clifford,
with the words most in use with thieves ; and the writer of
Rookwood, it should seem, thought that several of his characters,
without flash songs, might have appeared dull and spiritless ;
from no other motives, I suppose, than to claim attention. I have
often been surprised/' continued Turf, " to witness the great
applause such sort of songs have met with amongst the lower
orders ; but there is no accounting for taste."

Silence — silence ! — Order — order, &c., when the following
song was sung, with all the peculiarities which belongs to such
a composition :—

THE SLAP-UP HOUNSLOW HIGHWAYMAN.

Air — " The fine Old English Gentleman."

I'll tip you a prime flash chaunt, made by a good ' old scowf/ (\ )
Of a slap-up Hounslow highwayman, whom all have heard about 5
Who kept the ' blunted (2) travelling coves ' all on a sharp look out ;
And the ' Prigs' (3), who tried to ' quod ' (4) him, Lor he put 'em to the rout !
Like a slap-up Hounslow Highwayman,
One of the Oiden Time !

His crib (5) so snug, was hung around with wipes (6), and pops (7), and crows (S);
With bess (9) and glims (10), some pr\mejemmys ( 1 1) and slugs (12) for any foes ;
All round his squeeze (13) a bird'' s-eye wipe ("14), cord kickseys (15), and high-
lows (16) ;
Oh, he lush'd (17) his flash of lightning (18), and scorned to be a nose (19).

Like a, &c.

In heat or cold, he was as bold, and sung out ' Stand,"* to all ;
And though but one score two his years, he'd crack (20) the first swell's hall ;
No high pad (21) e'er stood so game when flashed at by pops and ball ;
An-1 tho' he priggjd (22) from all the great, he'd give blunt to the small !

Like a, &c-

But time, tho' prime, is fast in flight, and 'the twelve (23) coves ' blackd his try (24),
The beak (25) and topping chit (26) proclaimed the high pad — he must die !
His crab shells (27) ne kick'd off like a trump, nor cockles (28) once did cry;
And snivling pals stood round the chit, to see him twisted high (29).

Like a, &c.

You SWELL MOB this is better far than all your vain parade,
Of cly faking (30) at the spells (31), or at the Masquerade!

he looked for his pistols, but they were gone ; when he said, in an indignant tone,
" This treachery, Poll, is the work of your hands, but I'll be revenged." He
never saw her afterwards ; in fact, she was afraid to encounter his resentment.
Abershaw was afterwards hung in chains on Putney Heath, near to which the
memorable dael took place, on a. Sunday, between the late Right Hon. William
Pitt and George Tieruey, Esq.

126 THE PILGRIMS OP THE THAMES

And really much more pleasanter — besides you're better paid —
Then leave smashing (32) and pinching (33) off, and take up the old trade
Of a slap-up Kounslow Highwayman,
One of the Olden Time.*

The applause and cheers at the conclusion of the song- continu-
ed for a minute, and every exertion was made to procure an en-
core ; so highly was it relished by the majority of the visitors in
the booth.

" You rarely meet with, now-a-days, slang- song's," ob-
served Turf, ' ' except at fairs, and in booths of this description ;
or at free and easy clubs ; but when I was a much younger man,
they were very prevalent in companies. However, we are get-
ting- more refined in our ideas every day, and every thing that
is deemed low and vulgar, is sinking- fast into the shade \"

" We are highly indebted to you, sir,' replied Jem, " for the
animating and pleasing description you have given us of the
jockey, and also the highwayman's parody ; but, I hope, you will
not take it amiss, if I ask, if you are acquainted with that splen-
didly fine looking female, who is sitting at the bottom of the
table, at the further end of the booth, in company with a gentle-
man, equally well dressed ?"

" Come, come, Jem/' answered Makemoney, " I had quite
enough ; indeed, something- too much of the last lady you were
in such raptures about! Quite in the heroics ! Why you appear
to be a general lover \"

" No, no, dear uncle/' said Jem, " quite a different character,
I should hope. But to admire one of the greatest beauties in the
creation,! trust, will never be reckoned a. fault !"

"I don't know that," urged Flourish, "a look, sometimes,
proves very dangerous ; it too often leads into further enquiries,
and you get into a labyrinth, before you know where you are.
Handsome women are always dangerous articles to behold ;
therefore, as I have told you before, turn your eyes on objects
less captivating/'

" Well observed," replied Turf, e( there is great danger about
the look of a fine woman. The person, the young one alludes
to, is quite a picture ! She is a character ; and her life quite a
history — it is worth hearing, Master Makemoney : her memoirs
would make a capital book, and without a bit of romance re

* For the benefit of country gentlemen of modern times, the following glossa.y
is added : —

1. Watchman ; 2. Monied men ; 3. Thief-takers ; 4. Jail ; 5. House ; 6.
Handkerchiefs; 7. Pistols; 8. Crow-bar; 9 and 10. Small bar and lantern;
11. A bar for drawing back bolts ; 12. Shots ; 13. Neck ; 14. Spotted necker-
chief; 15. Knee breeches ; 16. Shoes; 17. Drank; 18. Glass of gin : 19. In
former j 20. Housebreaking ; 21. Highwayman ; 22. Stole; 23 Jury ; 24. Sen-
tenced him to death ; 25. Judge; 26. Gallows; 27. Shoes — a common practice
in former times, the criminal observing " he would not die like a horse, with his
shoes on;" 28. Rattles in the throat ; 29 Hung; 30. Picking pockets ; 31.
Theatres j 32. Passing of bad money ; 33. Petty larceny thefts.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 127

quired to embellish it. What a bust ! — Five to one against the
whole race of East and West-enders ! And as to her peepers,
they are like flashes of lightning — there is no standing against
them, and they may well be termed the ' windows of the soul."

She has made sad work amongst the lads ! — She is the

No, never mind ! This is not the time, nor place for it ; but more
anon, — when we meet again, perhaps/'

" This is what I call dashing the cup from the lips of a man
parched with drought ! " observed Makemoney. " Just as we
had made up our minds to obtain secrets worth knowing,
respecting the ' handsome female with the fine bust !' the
description coldly ends, with — ' She is the — no, never mind !'
This is too bad, Mr. Turf, it reminds me of the breaking off of
stories in the magazines, when your feelings are raised to the
highest pitch of excitement — and you are compelled to wait a
month at least, before you have any chance of learning the
result — and perhaps, then you are again disappointed !"

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! my dear Jack," replied Turf, " your style, I
admit, has not displayed much of the heroics ; and you were the
last person from wThom I should have expected a rebuke ; but it
seems then, that you are not insensible to the charms of a fine
female with a handsome bust. Young or old, I see are just the
same, when women are the theme of the argument ! However,
as you seem to be all in a blaze about this elegant piece of
furniture for the household of a gentleman, when next we meet,
you shall know her whole history, and then, you will say, it was
worth waiting two months to hear."

" This is worse and worse, nay, adding fuel to the fire ; and
most certainly raising our expectations twice as high; but
patience, patience, my dear Makemoney, you are aware is a great
virtue, and therefore, we must, in this instance, acquiesce to its
dictates ! But out of this heterogenous mixture of persons,"
said Flourish, " who all appear characters to me — is there not one
more worthy of description ? There is a singularly looking per-
sonage lighting his cigar."

" I must not touch upon him ! he is suspicious of every body
who merely takes a glance at his person — he is eying us already
— by comparison, he is a barrel of gunpowder, and the slightest
spark of anger, would make him blow up the whole place in a
minute. Therefore, MUM, is a matter not only of prudence, but
safety.

" But there are a number of harmless fanciers of every
description. Some of whom, their time is entirely occupied with
the breed of superior dogs, and who can talk of nothing else ;
others of them, their sole fancy and delight is in the rearing of
pigeons, and making matches as to the distance they will fly to a
certainty. Cock-fighters are likewise on the qui vive here ; and
in short, every thing connected with the sporting world forms
the subject of debate and enquiry, at ' pleasant Jem's ' booth.

128 THE PILGRIMS OF THAMES

" But not the least number are the FANCIERS of the FAIR-
SEX ; perhaps, the term, if not so sporting-, is better in effect, to
say, ' admirers of females !' and from the show here to night, you
may see, Master Makemoney, that BEAUTY is not confined to
the courts of king's and princes, we have some ' GOOD GOODS *
to look at. Some very pretty wild flowers, and if collected
tog-ether, would make a very handsome nosegay.

" It is true their toggery would not compete with the silks,
satins, diamonds, and paint, displayed by the ladies in the upper
circles of society ; but for a fine bit of rude, unsophisticated
nature — well-grown, without the trickery of art, and no d — d
nonsense — this is the time of day, my pippins. When one can
with truth, sing : —

*' If FORTUNE, fickle jade, should e'er wish to scourge my name,
And what she generously gave, would wish to have again :
O that I'll freely grant, and without the least remorse,
Only give me what God can grant — health, my wife, and horse !"

(t You are a happy fellow, Charles Turf!" said Makemoney,
" full of spirits — let the world wag- as it will, I always see you
the same. I should like to have a leaf out of your book/'

" Well, ould chap," said Turf to Makemoney, " I must bid
you a good night. You see, my prad is at the door, and on the
fret ; therefore, ofTs the word ; but you must come and see me ;
my cottage is at Hampton, on the Banks of the Thames, and do
not let it be long before I see you, where you will find me
happier than a king, I'll bet a hundred ! I will make you com-
fortable, depend upon it, and you shall experience what the
late Charles Incledon used to chant so finely — ' May we ne'er
want a friend, nor a bottle to give him !' But before we part, let
me give you a word of advice (whispering into his ear). Keep
a good look out after the Young One — he is high bred — and
they often prove skittish — won't answer the whip — run out of
the course — and kick over the traces : also take care of the col-
lectors— the artists — there are suspicious persons abroad, who
might make a mistake, and put their hands into your pockets
instead of their own !"

" What ! a second time in one day ?" replied Makemoney ;
<f that would be too much of a good thing — they have had their
dues from us already — but mum \" pointing to Flourish ; " our
wrongs, in this respect, we intend to keep to ourselves, and
then we shall not be sneered at — for fools \"

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! excuse my laughing!" said Turf; " as a rich
man, you will not mind your loss, however mortifying it may be
to your feelings , but there is a consolation in all things, you
can now walk about without any apprehensions of losing any
thing. Good night, gents. I shall be happy to see you at my
crib." He then mounted his gig and drove off.

" He is really a choice spirit," observed Jem, " there is some-
thing so hearty about his manners, that it is a pleasure to be in

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 129

company. He appears to me a down-right sincere man, anxious
to please his friends, at the same time fond of an adherence to
the truth !"

" Charles Turf is no flatterer/' said Makemoney ; " yet
he is not one of those cold, hesitating characters, in be-
stowing praise, where the person, or talents displayed before
him, have required approbation: I have always found him to be a
strait-forward man — the same sort of person to morrow, as you
find him to-day — he does not meet an old friend with a new
face ; he is, therefore, a man whose word is to be relied upon,
and rather liberal, than otherwise, in his remarks ; but when
called upon to give his judgment, he has the firmness upon all
occasions to decide with all the coolness of an equity judge.

" He has no ambition to be thought a better man than he really
merits ; and, I must say, take him for ' all in all/ he is one of
those upright, cheerful sort of men, not to be met with every
day in the walks of society. Therefore, Nephew, there is no
harm in your cultivating an acquaintance with him. I am sure
we shall be received by him with a most hearty welcome !"

" We must go, uncle, to Mr. Turf's crtd,'as he calls it/' replied
Jem, " or else we shall not hear any more about the 'handsome
woman with the fine bust!' and you know we are all very much
interested in her memoirs ! I am particularly fond of biography ;
more especially, when the biographer is living, and you can
depend upon his testimony, being well assured that he does not
resort to invention, instead of stating plain facts."

" I think," urged Flourish, f( we ought to enlist him under
our banners as a pilgrim. He would not only be a pleasing
addition to our party, but also a great assistance. He is like-
wise well acquainted with the movements of the world."

" We will now think of starting towards home/' said Make-
money, " take a peep here and there as we go along into the .
different taverns, and, I have been told, we shall hear some good
songs, which I am very fond of — it will also give us another fea-
ture connected with Greenwich Fair, and point out to us — that
one half of the world does not know how the other half
lives !"

*cAn excellent proposition/' replied Jem, "and I have no
doubt, but that we shall meet with plenty of merriment and
fun."

The Pilgrims had not proceeded far from the fair, on their
road towards London, when they were attracted by the voices
of some persons singing, or rather attempting, a glee. " This is
the place," said Makemoney, quite full of spirit, " let us go up
stairs and see what it looks like. It is all free and easy — every
body welcome, and no questions asked/'

On entering they found the room was filled with company of
the most heterogenous mixture of persons, consisting of 'prentice

3

130 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

boys, shop girls, journeymen mechanics, watermen, clerks, shop-
men, milliners, straw bonnet makers, &c. &c. A glorious scene
of confusion — the room clouded with smoke — people calling out
for liquor, and knocking the pots against the tables to claim
attention from the waiters ! Several persons who were anxious
to hear singing, were bawling out " Silence ! silence ! Order !"
indeed, it was more like the confusion of Babel than any thing like
a rational company, who had congregated together to amuse one
another. The waiters were seen fighting their way through a
dense crowd of persons, who standing up, were not inclined to
move an inch, and also spilling the porter and ale over the dresses
of the females.

Songs without tunes — words without music — rhyme out of
question, and not very particular as to the exact sense of the
author. Sentiment being bawled out on one side of the room,
and comic songs on the other — at the upper end of it a blind
fidler teasing the cat-gut, in order to pick up a few half-pence ;
nevertheless, the company all appeared to be happy and merry,
and not at all inconvenienced by the confusion of the room.
After several attempts were made to procure attention, something
like silence was obtained, by the repeated cries of " Attention —
Silence for a lady !" A very nicely dressed female, after making
a few hems, and apologies to her friends, on account of her bad
voice, sang the following parody : —

All round my cap I vears a green villow,

All round my cap for a twelvemonth and a day,
If any one should ax the reason vy I vears it,

Tell them that my false lover is far, far avay.

'Twas a going of my rounds in the streets I first did meet him,
Oh ! I thought he vos a Cupid just come down from the sky —

Very little more was heard of this song, from the noise and
buzz around her, but more especially from the rough and hoarse
voice of a costard-monger, roaring " What use is that 'ere chant,
JEM, you give 'em one that will set 'em all in a blaze, you know
what I means — TOMMARROO !" when he began : —

Ben was a hackney coachman rare,

" Jarvy, jarvy !" " Here am I, your honour !"
O crikey ! how he used to swear-
Tom marroo !

Oh, how he swore whilst he did drive,
Numher three hundred and sixty five!

Rum turn tiddle iddle, I gee wo !
Rum turn, tiddle iddle, I gee wo !
|

Now Benny was a knowing cove,

Rumti tumti, dum dumdi, diddle urn,
But swore and flogged so whilst he drove—
Tommarroo !

The room now resounded with the hoarse voices of a set of
fellows trying to have a ' lark,' — the female who had sung part of

IN SEARCH 'OF THE NATIONAL. 131

the song", was in tears, andjierjpartizans were determined to resent
the insult she had received ; but all the explanation they could
get was ' Tommarroo ! — Tommarroo !' like the yells of an
Indian war-whoop, bawled into their ears. This produced a
skirmish — a row — nay, almost a general fight, when Makemoney,
and his brother Pilgrims, who felt it dangerous to be safe, made
for the stairs, and by a quick exit got into the street.

" We made a lucky escape," said Makemoney, "the blows
were as thick as hail near my person ; however,! did not receive
any of them,"

" Yes, a miss is as good as a mile !" said Jem, " I was very
near getting a jaw-breaker from one of those blackguards $ who
appeared bessotted with liquor !"

" I hope, I shall not have a black eye," remarked Flourish,
" but for the instant my head appeared as if it had been knocked
off my shoulders, the blow was so extremely violent/*

They had scarcely got into the street when they experienced
the rain slightly coming down : a fellow belonging to a covered
cart thus addressed them : — " Don't your honours want a con-
weyance to London ? — If you do, I can tell you, at this late hour,
mine is the only wehicle left ; and as I wish to make up my
number — only a bob a piece ; but you must as how decide di-
rectly, as the chovies are coming down in rum style, and then you
see I shall charge twice as much. Therefore, a stitch in time
saves nine, my masters. My prad is nothing else but a safe
and good 'un ; he vill do his vork, and never refuses ; but he
has given me a bit of a nint, that he is tired and vishes
to get his night cap on. 1 can understand him, and for once in
the vay, I should like to oblige Old Jack, that is the reason, or
else, I should charge not a far den less than half-a-bull. So
tumble up, my masters, and make yourselves happy, you will
mix with & jolly company. I vishes to be off! To-morrow is a
new day, and the blunt being rather shy — I must come out to
look for it. Poor Jack, and his master, can't go without grub.
I does not take any riff-raff, or else my cart might have been
full fifty times over. No, no, I am rather a particularish sort of
chap in my customers ! So we'll be on the toddle "

" Any port in a storm," said Flourish, " but will you start
directly?"

" In a pig's whisper," replied the driver, " only make the
visit pleasant to the female folks. I have just got my number
now with you three swells."

It was a covered cart — a dark night — and Makemoney and his
brother Pilgrims did not observe the class of persons they were
about to mix with — more women and girls than men ; and the
former, it should seem, were not of the most honest or chaste
description : but the rain coming down in torrents, they were
glad to obtain any thing like a shelter at that late hour of the
night. However, they had not proceeded far, when one of the

132 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

girls, a low-life hussey, said to Makemoney, in a slang- tone of
voice, " I wish you would keep your hands to yourself, ould
fellow — you are making- rather more free than welcome."

" What do you mean by that assertion, you impudent minx ? "
replied Makemoney, in a rage ; " I have not moved a finger or
thumb since I have been in the cart ; but, if I am not mistaken,
I felt your hands about my pockets."

" Get out, you nasty old warment ; if you say I wanted to
pick your pockets, you'll say any thing. I dare to say you
havn't got a tanner (sixpence) to bless yourself with, now you
have tipped for the tumbler (cart). I am not going to be bounced
out of my senses, and have my character injured, by such an
ould cove. You had much better have been in your bed, if you
have got such a bit of household furniture, than taking liberties
with young girls."

" Come, 1 say, ould chap, behave decentish, or else I must
valk you out of my wehicle in quick time," said the carman ;
" these female vomen here, who are under my protection, though
poor, are the right sort of folks wot won't stand any nonsense.
But, I say, Nance Grizzle, you must excuse the ould cheese-
monger ! — he seems a little fresh-ish — the vorse for lush — and
ould men sometimes are a little foolish, and more humorous than
wot becomes them."

Sprightly, in an angry tone, observed to the driver, — " What
do you mean by calling the gentleman a cheesemonger ? "

*' He is a cheesemonger," replied the costardmonger, " and a
rich one too ! I knows him werry well — his name is Butterfirkin,
of Puddle Dock ! — Lord bless you, Pve bought many a slice of
cheese of him in my time ! He's out on a bit of a lark ; but he
shouldn't pull the girls about — ould men sometimes will be

" I'd have you be on your guard, Mr. Carman," said Flourish ;
" the gentleman you call a cheesemonger is a Magistrate of the
City of London ; and if you don't mind your behaviour, you will
stand a very good chance of being committed to jail for your
insolence. We got up into your cart to avoid the rain, and we
will not be insulted either by man or woman ; therefore, I would
advise you to let civility be your motto."

This remark from Flourish rather altered the conduct of the
driver, who said to himself, " I must draw it mild ; and I shall
give Nance a bit of a hint." Then appearing rather angry, —
" Come, Nance Grizzle, it won't do as how for you to play your
tricks in my wehicle, and injure my bread. You wanted to
frisk the ould chap — the gem man 1 mean — I begs his pardon —
so the boot is on the other leg ; and if you tries it on any more
out you bundle, and no mistake. Every body is safe under my
roof ; so g-emmen swells you need not be afraid."

" Vy, you blink-eyed buffer — you Jem Sneak," answered the
girl ; ' you can turn any vny with the vind. But I don't care a

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 133

pinch of snuff (snapping- her fingers at him) for you, or any one
half like you. My money is as good as the King's, and I will
tell you, Mr. Sneak, a bit of my mind ; — if every body had their
own I don't know where you'd be, — so put that into your pipe
and smoke it. You think you'll be able to gammon the swells
out of a little more tip ; but I'll spoil you, my fine feller, that's
wot I vill — it shall be no go after all. I likes people to be up-
right and down strait — no half-and-half coves for Nance
Grizzle ! "

" Now don't you be too imperent, Nance," said Jem Sneak ;
" that tongue of yours is rather too big for your mouth, and will
be your downfall in life. I doesn't vant to quarrel with you, but
you are too fast — you might be mistaken, you know. He is a
gentleman, and I'm sure he would not take any liberties — he is
the father of twelve children — a regular church-going man. I
tells you, Nance Grizzle, you was mistaken ; so drop it, and
make it all right, and I'll stand a drap of summut at the next
house, as I must give old Jack some heavy whet."

" What, does your horse drink porter ? " asked Flourish.

" Drink porter ! I believe you, when he can get it," replied
Sneak. " Only you hand Jack over a tankard, and you'll soon
see how soon he will take the lining out of it."

" This is out of the frying-pan into the fire /'said Makemoney,
in a whisper to Flourish ; " but no matter — it is a sketch of real
life amongst a certain class of society, and it only adds another
event to our day's pilgrimage. We have only to keep our tem-
pers down, and all will yet go pleasant ; — but I never heard
that I had twelve children before."

" That circumstance," replied Flourish, " is best known to
yourself ; " and, as you are not before the churchwardens and
overseers of the parish to defend the charge, let it rest for the
present."

" I knows as how I am a tiny bit of a passionate nature," re-
plied Nance Grizzle ; " and as you say the Swell meant no harm,
and it was a mistake altogether, I will drop it ; and I doesn't
mind, for once in a vay, just to make all things agreeable — I vill
be a ke-varten of Peppermint to mix with the Jacky. I likes
to do the thing wot is handsome ! Nance has been in tow with
the swells before to-night."

Peace was at length restored, and all was fun and laughter ;
with bits of songs from one and the other of the assemblage in
the cart, until the vehicle discharged its contents at London
Bridge : the PILGRIMS then called a coach, and St. Paul's had
just struck four when the knocker's rattling peal announced
their return at the domus of old Makemoney. Flourish kept
his secret respecting the Duchess and her daughters within his
own bosom, as he wished to have a little private pilgrimage to
himself the first convenient opportunity ; and Makemoney and
his Nephew let not a sentence drop from them respecting their

134 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

being" robbed at the gate — to prevent lots of jokes from their
friends, instead of pity.

" Come/' said Makemoney, " we'll have a glass of grog- tog-e-
ther before we go to bed ; and take a slight review of our day's
pilgrimage."

" With all my heart/' replied Flourish, " as I may laugh now,
I hope, without offence ; but I was sadly afraid we should have
had rather a serious row, on your account, with Nance Griz-
zle. It was too bad of you, Makemoney, to tickle the girl in
the dark."

" Why, I must confess/' answered Sprightly, " I did not like
the appearance of things at one time ; and it might have been
unpleasant, particularly to my uncle, to have made our appear-
ance before the Greenwich Magistrates as disorderlies. A row
and a fight almost appeared inevitable."

" Well, Flourish, you have a right to your joke if you think
proper," said Makemoney, " but I am now satisfied she was
nothing else but a female pickpocket ; and, for fear of detection,
she began to cry out first. I pledge my honor I never touched
the hem of her garment. However, we will drink success to
our next pilgrimage."

" Never mind, uncle/' answered Sprightly, " all's well that
ends well ; and perhaps we may have the laugh next time
against Flourish."

" Be that as it may," observed Makemoney, " our pilgrimage
has strongly reminded me of the words of Sterne : — ' 'Tisthou,
Liberty — thrice sweet and gracious goddess — whom all in pub-
lic, or in private, worship — whose taste is grateful, and ever will
be so till NATURE herself can change. No tint of words can
spot thy snowy mantle, nor chemic power turn thy sceptre into
iron. With thee to smile upon him, as he eats his crust, the
swain is more happy than his monarch, from whose courts
thou art exiled ! ' I believe so, if I may judge from what
I have seen to-day," urged Makemoney; " and ifvthe
pleasure and enjoyment of real liberty are to be witnessed, I as-
sert, without the fear of contradiction, that it is on the BANKS
OF THE THAMES. How say you both ?

" Agreed ! " said Flourish.

" Agreed ! " echoed Sprightly.

BON REPOS !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 135

CHAPTER IX.

A few preparatory words on •Authorship — shewing that it is
more advantageous to have NATURE for a guide than trust
to the imagination ; and giving the preference to mix with
society in general, than cogitating in the closet, if charac-
ters and real life are to be truly depicted. Be it so : —
where shall we go ? above or below bridge — The question
at issue — Difficult to decide ; both situations attractive to
the echo. An invitation to TURF'S cottage puts an end to
the argument. MAKEMONEY'S recollections of former days
respecting the Banks of the Thames — Dress and manner
of the people — an immense change for the better. Mill-
bank ; to wit — An extraordinary character of the olden
times — a t'lief and a honest man in the same person ; com-
pletely illustrating Pope's maxim, that " the proper study
of mankind is man." Curious definition of Champagne,
versus Ale, by one of the Pilgrims — a matter of taste.
Outlines of a Race Course — a study, perhaps worthy of
contemplating by persons who seek after pleasure. Flats
and Sharps — Fools and Deep Ones — Peers and Tradesmen
— all in motion. THIMBLES applied to a very different
purpose from their original intention. The Magical
Garter, and the Gilded Pill ; or, how to twist an Argu-
ment. A head without brains ; or, a sketch of a thoughtless
fellow — a tale for inexperienced young men. The long
wished-for anecdotes related by TURF — The Match-Girl;
or, the Woman with the fine Bust. A peep in the mirror
*— wretchedness and beggary personified — The transform-
ation— WTiat can't gold do !

IT is said that after " a storm comes a calm ; that pleasure is
frequently accompanied with pain ; and the fatigues of a journey
take some little time before the traveller is enabled to set out
again in pursuit of fresh objects/ Granted : and although our
PILGRIMS were not called upon to perform penance, or com-
pelled to put peas into their shoes, by way of punishment for
their misdeeds in life, like the Pilgrims of olden times, yet, it
should seem, they required some indulgence to recruit their
strength, in order again to start forward, like " giants refreshed/'
in search of adventures connected with " flood and field."

Authors, in general — such as the writers of romance, tales of
love, or novels of domestic life — sit themselves comfortably down
in their closets, with a good fire before them — a library full of

136 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

books, to give them a helping hand if at a loss for a subject ; or
perhaps some intelligent friend or acquaintance may give an ac-
cidental call, and render assistance to the author, should he be
perplexed towards elucidating some knotty point, or clearing up
doubts and fears : but we, on the contrary, have nothing a cut "
and " dried" for our pages, and until our three Pilgrims again
sally forth, under the canopy of heaven, to endure the rude blast,
the pitiless, pelting showers, or perhaps be almost choked and
smothered with dust, if they depart from their previous mode of
peregrination — that is to say, if they do not embark on board of
steamers, and prefer putting into harness their Bucephalus, and
get over the ground in a cab or stage-coach — our labours are
positively at a stand still !

This, as a matter of course, must operate as a drawback to our
proceedings, and likewise create delays ; but then the advan-
tages of FACTS are immediately seen, and the loss of time made
up by the originality of circumstances presented to the view of
the reader.

STILL LIFE is quite a different thing altogether. An author
may possess a fine and bold imagination, with a lively, vigorous
conception, like the sculptor, who, in his mind's eye, sees the
beautiful figure and drapery in the rough, huge block of stone ;
and he may also conjure up spirits, "red, black, and grey," to
answer his purpose, in order to produce a highly spirited inter-
esting work. Be it so : but then he is likely to " o'erstep the
modesty of nature." He may, likewise, to give greater effect
to his ebullitions of fancy, strain the point, outrage probability,
and be in danger of exhibiting the ridiculous !

But, on the contrary, when the author only takes NATURE
for his guide, he treads on sure ground — he cannot err. His
prospects are delightful — his FACTS are strong and conspicuous,
as to speak for themselves : his mind is also free — his subjects
are not distorted ; and the opportunity also presents itself, " no-
thing- to extenuate, or set down aught in malice." CONSIDER-
ATION is, therefore, out of the question : he is not lost in thought,
and waiting, as it were, for his ideas to flow spontaneously.

No ! he has to keep his observations alive — real life for his
pen — men and women on the pave — with all their light and
shade of character, dress, manners, and conversation, from the
late ponderous Daniel Lambert down to the " Living Skeleton."

For instance — let the artist make a sketch from fancy, and as
a picture it may be viewed as a pleasing, pretty, nay, an ex-
quisite performance, and bear the strictest investigation as a work
of art. But when the draftsman takes out his pencil on the top
of a mountain, and is about to depict the splendid scene before
him, he then grapples with reality ! — he has the substance and
not the shadow to pourtray : — his MIND becomes enlarged : the
vast expanse almost creates giant-like ideas : his feelings are all
alive to the inviting prospect — the peculiar situation of a tree —

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 137

the peeping* out, as it were, of some venerable ruin — an old
church upon a hill — a slight dash of water with a ship in the
distance, and surrounded by lofty hills — places all these subjects
in so conspicuous a form for his pencil, that the finest imagina-
tion in the world must be as snow before the sun, w^hen put in
competition with the BEAUTIES OF NATURE !

Just so, the AUTHOR who has his facts to work upon, which
enables him not only to write with spirit, but for a time his
inventive faculties are set at rest, the good or bad man is within
his view, he hears the one talk., and he sees the other act ; and
marks down both their conduct ; and perhaps, he may be
surrounded with characters of every description, either eminent
in society for their superior talents, or notorious for their improper
and suspicious demeanour: his tale is then likely to become
interesting, in a greater or less degree ; singularity may attach
to his descriptions, but probability is not in danger of being lost
sight of — because he has data for his argument, and the author
appears rather more in the character of an historian than any
thing else, noting down with clearness and perspicuity the time
and place where such circumstances have occurred ; and can re-
late his tale with all the glowing animation of truth.

Not so the writer of romance. The reader is taken through
long corridors — down trap doors- — he sees the shade of some
hero in armour, with his vizor up — he finds himself in a lonely
vault — overwhelmed with strange noises, and petrified with fear
— alarmed by the sound of some dreadful bell — is surrounded
by ghosts, hobgoblins, grinning spectres, and the whole et
cetera of the phantasmagoric fraternity, like the incantation scene
in Der Freischutz, which too often fill weak minds with nervous
terror, and employs much time, without adding to the stock of
knowledge ; while a work which has facts, and every day cir-
cumstances for its basis, increase by example our stock of common
sense, and adds to our knowledge of the world. Such must be
ever acknowledged the great advantages resulting from the
works of nature — the society of mankind over the imagination
of the highest, comprehensive, and most splendid descriptions.

SHAKESPEARE has put into the mouth of lago the following
words : "I'm nothing, if not critical!" — the words likewise
apply with as much force to character in a review of human
nature ! Authors and artists must fail in their representations of
men and manners — if they are riot critically correct as to outline,
and almost verbatim in their detail, if they feel anxious to give
effect to the various personages which come under their
observation.

HOGARTH, in some of the most disgusting scenes which occur
in life, by the fidelity of his pencil, has rendered them of the
most interesting description to mankind ; not only as a mark of
abhorrence to be avoided, but also as a useful lesson to the
young and thoughtless ; and SMOLLETT, in his admirable

T

138 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

sketches of different persons, in his various novels, would
never have been able to produce that strong- effect upon the
mind of his readers, if he had minced the matter ; and instead
of portraying- the reality of the thing-, mig-ht otherwise have
rendered it mawkish, and totally unlike what it should be.

True, some persons may be inclined to quarrel with the broad
humour displayed by that inimitable novelist, whose every pag-e
abounds with real facts of truth and human nature ; which may
be looked for in vain amidst the voluminous writers of the pre-
sent day.

However, we are most anxious to state, that obscenity oug-ht
to be avoided in all instances — it may be done without — it oug-ht
to be done without — and authors are highly culpable who re-
sort to offensive terms of expression —

" Immodest words admit of no defence !"

But, nevertheless, effective humour, and perfectly in unison with
the character which is represented, oug-ht never to be marred,
or reduced in strength, by anything- like far-fetched squeamish-
ness, or an attempt to be cautious over much. There are per-
sons to be met with daily among-st the mass of mankind, who
have no value for etiquette — who study no rules — have no choice
of words — no check upon their conversation, or demeanour — that
their sort of dialog-ue may be found fault with by the well-bred
and intellectual part of society, is not to be doubted ; but surely,
the author who is called upon to communicate with his pen, in
an artist-like manner, sentences that he has nothing- to do with
personally, may retort, in the phraseolog-y of the Queen to
Hamlet — " Those words are not mine !"

In the upper House of Parliament, dignity of expression —
g-entlemanly demeanour — and the greatest urbanity prevails
throug-hout the arguments — establishing- a hig-h character for its
elevated situation in the eyes of the public.

In the House of Commons quite a different character is to be
witnessed — energy of declamation — violent harang-ues — and fine
examples of public spirit. Choice of words are not the desider-
atum in this splendid assembly of the wit and talents of the
country.

A mob has also its character — and the laug-hable, rude, yet
witty sayirig-s, which so often occur in crowds, are worthy of
record ! Just so, a fair, where all ranks of people congreg-ate
tog-ether, to meet with amusement in a variety of shapes, sustains
a character totally different from any other public meeting1.

Character is our decided object — an adherence to truth and
nature our constant aim — and let us ask of what value is our des-
cription, if we do not relate faithfully the dialog-ue and manners
of all classes ?

During- the period which occurred previous to the Pilgrims
being- prepared to start a second time, Flourish had made up his
mind more than once, to have g-one privately into the neighbour-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 139

hood where the card represented the Duchess to have dwelt, to
have ascertained the reality of her situation in life — indeed, lie
was quite feverish on the subject ; but some circumstance or
another interfered to thwart his inclination, and he was compell-
ed to postpone his journey until a more favourable opportunity
presented itself.

Makemoney and Sprightly were equally close on the circum-
stance of their being- robbed in the Park. Thus matters stood on
the eve of their departure.

" I should like/' observed Flourish, " if it meets with your
approbation, to have a turn up the river this time ; but, perhaps,
I had better put it to the vote ; and then whatever may occur
during- the Pilgrimage — fault cannot be found with each other/'

" Very fairly proposed/' replied Makemoney, " I am for a
trip up the river."

<( And so am I," responded Sprightly, " therefore the propo-
sition has been received, as it ought to be — unanimously. It
matters not to me whether I go up, or down the river — the
banks of the Thames have so many delightful attractions, that I
have no particular choice, being determined to make myself quite
at home upon any spot; and all happiness, whether I travel by a
stage, an omnibus, or any other vehicle, so that we alight on the
banks of the Thames !" '

" Your declaration pleases me, nephew/' answered Make-
money ; " at Turfs cottage, a day or two may be passed in the
most agreeable manner ; in the first place, his conversation,
anecdotes, and knowledge of life, must afford us a fund of
amusement ; independant of strolls on the banks of the Thames
connected with his residence. Pll not even hint at the female
with the fine bust, as any excitement, or cause of attraction."

" You are quite right, Makemoney," replied Flourish, " that
subject might be a dangerous one, and likely to do mischief ;
I would not answer for the consequences when Sprightly be-
comes wholly acquainted with her memoirs. — Ha ! ha ! ha !"

" I will make no rash promises/' answered Sprightly ; " I am
but a man, and very young in the field ; therefore, I will let
time and circumstances speak for themselves. I am not invul-
nerable ! But rest assured, my friends, I do not second the pro-
position of a turn up the river on that account ; yet, to tell the
truth, I most certainly should like to spend a few hours in the
company of Charles Turf, Esq. Besides, he is a sporting charac-
ter ; and it is the time of year for the Hampton Races, held upon
the inviting downs of Moulsey Hurst. The races are not only
well-attended by the public in general, but by persons of the
highest rank and fashion ; and characters of the greatest noto-
riety in the kingdom are seen unbending at them !"

" True/' replied Makemoney, " the spot of ground you have
mentioned is delightfully connected with the subject of a most
interesting nature — Garrick's Villa! — The Palace at Hampton

140 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Court! — Pope's residence at Twickenham! — independent of
other attractions !"

"But, my dear sir/' observed Flourish, in great extacy, " why
leave out that unparalleled spot for romantic scenery in the
world — Richmond Hill? Also, Bushy Park, once the retreat of
the late Mrs. Jordan, whose presence g-ave it an additional
importance and weight in society ? Then I again propose up the
river — it will be a new feature for us, and the contrast will be
attractive in the extreme."

The arrival of the following- letter, put an end to the arg-u-
ment respecting- above or below bridge : —

Turf Cottage, Banks of the Thames.
" MY DEAR MAKEMONEY,

" There is a kind of charm in the very sound of

your name, which must always prove an attraction to those persons who are
inclined to write to you. And if I felt inclined to pun on it, I should say the in-
vitation I am about to give you, is to a place, where you are very likely to lose
money ! But as you have no touch about you of a sporting character, there is little
danger to be apprehended on that point.

" However, there is no time to lose, if you wish to enjoy a day or two's pleasure
at Hampton Races — the Course is delightfully situated, and the company in
general of the best sort in society,

"Lots of amusement, I have no doubt, will be afforded to you, my dear Friend,
more especially, as I have heard you state, you never saw a race in your life.
Therefore, as you are quite a novice in those matters altogether, you may put your-
self under my care without the least hesitation ; at all events, I will not lead you
into any thing like danger ; but point out to you those places, and those characters
which will be well worthy of your observation.

" Tell your young friends, Flourish, and Sprightly, it is not a 100 to 1, that
they do not meet with the handsome female, they were so much in raptures with
at Greenwich, as the lady in question is very fond of sporting her fine figure at
races in general.

" I will be in waiting with a carnage for you at Kew Bridge — till then,

" My dear Friend,

" I remain your's truly,

"P. MAKEMONEY, ESQ." "CHARLES TURF."

"This invitation, I believe," said Makemoney, "will meet
with the approbation of all parties ; and we have nothing- to do
but prepare ourselves for another trip by steam."

The Pilgrims were once more afloat, on the qui vive in search
of fresh adventures, and ready for any circumstance, or object,
which might attract their attention. The steamer was nothing-
like so crowded as when the holiday folks were all anxiety for
Greenwich ; but, nevertheless, there was no lack of passeng-ers,
who were rather of a more genteel description than those who
had honoured the Greenwich steamer with their presence. The
band started them with a favourite air — the weather was all
that could be wished — and the Thames was inviting- in the
extreme.

Flourish made a hasty tour of the deck, paid a visit to the
saloon, and also took a peep into the second cabin, to ascertain

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 141

if any of the characters were by chance on board, that called
forth his attention on the last Pilgrimage.

On his quick return to Sprightly, he observed, " Bronze is
not here at all events ; therefore, his absence is a treat. The
Picturesque Doleful most likely is dancing attendance at the
elbow of some coroner, waiting for an accidental job — no annoy-
ance from Scapegrace — and the fascinating Duchess and her two
agreeable daughters are not to be found. Therefore, we must put
up, as the sportsmen have it — fresh game ; or, birds of another
feather I"

" I am glad of it," replied Sprightly, " very glad — variety is
charming : but should no objects in the shape of characters, or
persons of an interesting, or outre description claim our notice,
why then we must look out for all the improvements on both
sides of the river : until something more lively presents itself to
our view."

" With all my heart," answered Makemoney, " we must
occupy our minds with something ; St. Paul's cannot call forth
any new remarks ; and Blackfriars Bridge has nothing to recom-
mend one word in its favour ; but I cannot pass the Temple
Gardens, without observing how many pleasant hours I have
spent in them of an evening, after the fatigues of business were
over. This liberality of the Benchers, in allowing the public the
free use of them for several months in the year, does them great
credit. The Temple Gardens also bring to my recollection a
young friend of mine, when I was quite a youth, who afterwards
made his way in life, by his splendid talents, and superior mind
— Counsellor Browbeatem ! He was called to the bar very early
in his career ; and ultimately, arrived at the judgment seat.
He was the best counsellor to cross-examine any witness, that 1
ever heard in my life , indeed, he was so much dreaded by some
persons, who feared to encounter his searching remarks, that a
Major in the Army observed, that he would almost sooner
face a whole fire of artillery, than come under his lash in
a court of ustice ; if it suited Counsellor Browbeatem's purpose,
he would ( hunt-up ' a witness, as he termed it, and make that
witness recollect the whole circumstances of his life — good, bad,
or indifferent, if it were essential to the Counsellor's obtaining
a verdict,

" Browbeatem always contended for victory, either to clear a
prisoner of the accusations brought against him, or on the con-
trary, to prove his guilt, according to his brief. He was severity
itself; and quite in earnest with every cause that he undertook,
either for the plaintiff, or defendant. He has often told me, in
private, that he has saved many a rogue from the gallows, who
ought to have expiated his offences upon it. ' But they were my
clients/ said he, •' and I was paid to do the best for them that I
could.' He used to boast, over his cups, that he stood so well

142 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

with eleven of the judges, that he always claimed the greatest
attention from them ; but the frown of the twelfth, notwithstand-
ing- the Counsellor's bronze, and readiness of reply, used, at
times, almost to unnerve him.

" Counsellor Browbeatem, I must confess, never appeared
to me, half so much ' at home/ as he did at the Old Bailey ;
although he could make a good speech, on any subject, in the
other courts.

" He was termed the * blowing up ' Counsellor, amongst the
vulgar part, of society, and in the early part of his life, he had
visited all the haunts and night houses of the thieves, in order to
make himself a complete master of the cant languages, and
slang terms, ihut he might have been called a second" Grose.
By which means he obtained a clearer insight as to their trans-
actions and feeling's, and he often astonished some of the most
experienced thieves when he put the questions to them in their
own peculiar way. He frequently remarked to me, that it had
enabled him to be up to their movements, and down to their
tricks ! The Counsellor always reprobated the adage — ' give a
dog an ill name and hang him !' In several cases in which he
had been engaged, where the previous bad character of a man
was enough to convict him, he was indefatigable to remove that
almost overwhelming prejudice, and to prove the innocence of
his client. In one or two memorable instances, he succeeded in
saving the lives of men, who otherwise might have been found
guilty — almost from bad characters alone.

" He was of a most facetious disposition ; and in those cases
where he coulcl exercise his vein for humour, he has kept the
court in roars of laughter, that even the judge, in spite of him-
self, has lost sight of the gravity of his situation on the bench.
He was also a kind and liberal man ; and, to his honour be it
remembered, in many cases where charity has been required and
pointed out to him, he has received his brief without a single
shilling. He was indefatigable in his profession — his very soul
was in it ; arid business flocked in upon him in so great a degree,
that for many years of ? his life he was always in his study by
six o'clock in the morning: yet, strange to assert, but strictly true,
Counsellor Browbeatem's advice to me was, never " to go to

LAW ! "

" And excellent advice too/' replied Flourish ; " for the glo-
rious uncertainty of it frightens all sensible men/'

Makemoney, although not a practical man out of doors as to
the tricks and ways of the world, from his steady attention to
business, nevertheless had been a great reader : he also possessed
a tenacious memory, and was an excellent companion to fill up
a vacant hour. He was never at a loss for anecdotes, and felt a
pleasure in communicating whatever knowledge he had acquired
for the benefit of his acquaintances and friends.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL.

143

"On both sides of the Thames, I perceive/' said Makemoney,
" great improvements are taking- place ; and you scarcely
advance a yard or two but some new building- presents itself to
your view. Such is the enterprise and spirit of all classes of
society connected with trade and commerce in the Metropolis,
since I was a boy ; that I am lost in admiration when I reflect
upon the subject."

" I never," said Flourish, " pass Waterloo Bridge without
praising- this unequalled structure ; and I think I might assert,
without the fear of contradiction, there is not such another bridge
to be found in the world."

" I do not think there can be two opinions about Waterloo
Bridg-e," replied Makemoney ; " and it is a splendid ornament
to this part of the Thames/'

On passing through the Bridg-e, — " Captain," asked Flourish,
" what is the name of that handsome building- on the other side
of the river, near the shot manufactory, and which appears to
me to have been recently erected ? "

" It is called the New Lion Ale Brewery, the property of
Messrs. James and Charles Goding ; and a magnificent piece of
workmanship it is," replied the Captain : " it may be equalled
perhaps, but in my opinion, as a brewery, it cannot be excelled
in the Metropolis. It is a treat to go over it. And if, gentle-
men, you are fond of a glass of good ALE, fine and sparkling- like
champagne, the above is the place to purchase it." The Cap-
tain, who was a jolly fellow, by way of illustration to his re-

144 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES'

commendation, beg-aft to sing- a few lines of the well-known
ballad—

Can any king be half so great—-
So kind, so good, as I?

I give the hungry food to eat,
And liquor to the dry.

My labour's hard, but still 'tis sweet,
And easy to endure ;

For while I toil to thrash the wheat,

1 comfort rich and poor.

And I merrily sing, as I swing round my flail,
My reward, when work's over, is a jug of brown ale.

" Champag-ne is exhilarating-, I admit/' said Makemoney, "and
g-enerally considered a bon bouche by all wine bibbers ; but a
glass of real g-ood ALE is far more valuable, as to quality, when
the human frame is the object of consideration. Champag-ne
makes a Frenchman of you for a few minutes — lig-ht, airy, but
not lasting — a sort of flash in the pan. But a cup full of hum-
ming stingo puts a man's courage on the alert — he is ready for
any thing — and his companions soon perceive he has all the ani-
mation of a real John Bull about him — English to the back
bone ! "

" Bravo, uncle ; still NATIONAL ! " replied Sprightly. " I
heard, Captain, the opening of the Brewery was celebrated with
great demonstrations of joy."

" There were rare doings, indeed, sir," answered the Captain ;
" 1 partook of Messrs. Codings' hospitality. Two thousand bot-
tles of wine were disposed of without any difficulty: ten barrels
of ale were soon drank, not only as a matter of good taste, but
out of respect to the donors of the feast : several bushels of hot
potatoes, roasted in the stoke hole, were received as a treat :
sixteen hundred weight of meat cooked, including the barons of
beef, which netted forty-three stone. Over each of the barons a
1 beef-eater' and his page, in the uniform of the Yeoman Guards,
were assigned to answer the claims of those who might be dis-
posed to participate in such rich and substantial fare."

" It must have been a very gratifying sight to the visitors,"
observed Sprightly.

" Every person appeared happy," said the Captain, " and up-
wards of fifteen hundred visitors dined off old English fare ;
including beef, boiled and roasted, veal, hams, tongues, pigeon-
pies, with all the et ceteras to render such a collation truly in-
viting. One thousand pounds, I am sure, could not have paid
the expenses."

" So many licensed victuallers assembled together must have
produced rather a funny appearance," said Flourish, " for they
are generally fond of the good things of this life, and can
handle a knife and fork better than most other men, owing to
their excellent practice ; and also know the taste of a glass of
good wine ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 145

" True, sir/' replied the Captain, " they were not niggards at
the tables, nor with the wine ; and many of them were ' right
merrie ' before they departed. It was one of the most joyous
scenes I ever experienced : all was mirth and good humour to
the end of the chapter. I do not know any building* that was
ever half so well christened as Messrs. Coding's Lion Ale
Brewery : it was a rich picture of English hospitality."

" I am sure of it," said Makemoney : " the British merchant
never does any thing- by halves — his enterprise, liberality, and
extension of commerce, go hand-in-hand tog-ether ; and search
the world all over there are nothing-, in my humble opinion, like
the merchants of old England to be met with."

" But, in order to render the opening- of the above splendid
Brewery more important in the eyes of the public," answered
the Captain, " Messrs. Coding- g-ave a prize-wherry, of the value
of forty pounds, called the ' Lady Jane/ out of compliment to
Lady Jane Coding- (the wife of one of the brothers). This
boat-race not only excited considerable interest, but afforded a
vast deal of amusement to the numerous spectators."

" Such spirited conduct deserves success," replied Make-
money ; " and when we get to Richmond, we will all drink
prosperity, in the Lion Ale, to the brewrery."

" Most certainly," echoed Sprightly and Flourish.

Makemoney was quite in a descriptive mood, and thus ob-
served to his brother Pilgrims, in passing- Milbank, — " I have
known this place for upwards of forty years, and, from the best
information I have received on the subject, at the period I allude
to, it was the favorite resort of a class of persons, nick-named
' Kiddies ! ' — low-life sort of folks — both the young- men and
their girls. Their dress was also peculiar to themselves. The
men wore their hair in close curls on the side of their heads,
done upon leaden rollers ; hats turned or looped up on the sides ;
and to their breeches eight, and sometimes ten, small buttons
were seen at their knees, with a profusion of strings, after the
famed ( Sixteen-string Jack ; ' long- quartered shoes, with very
large buckles.

" The language of those kiddies was low and illiterate — they
never mixed with any other society but flash company, thieves,
&c., and were altogether different from the present race of
young men.

" Milbank, on the Sunday and Monday afternoons, was
crowded with this description of persons — idlers, apprentice-
boys, journeymen, &c. It was a difficult matter to obtain a seat
in the evening at any of the public-houses on the Bank. There
was a numerous attendance of ' cutter-lads,' so designated be-
cause they subscribed towards pleasure-boats, to row with four,
six, or eight persons — and their cockswain was dressed in a red
jacket with gold lace and white petticoat trousers. The above

146 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

cutter lads made quite a parade of their exertions up and down
the River.

" It was one continued scene of rude low-life and gaiety,
which lasted for several years ; and the ridiculous and absurd
idea of being thought a ' deep one/ and a ' knowing character/
was the only great object in view with all these sort of people.
The rooms at night were turned into Free and Easy clubs — full
of noise and confusion, and obscured in smoke — and scarcely any
thing heard but the lowest of flash songs. The following short
specimen will not only shew the taste of that period, but amply
suffice : —

Behold the City youth, to the garden he does run,
Where he toddles by the Judies, and thinks it is rum fun :
Oh, he toddles by their sides, and stands the 5am for gin,
Naps a kiss for his treat, and he bundles home by ten.

Ri tal la, ral la !

Now by more frequent going the bolder he does get,
And in some flash panny he ventures for to sit ;
Where he learns to patter flash, and to chant a rolling song,
And to come his * eyes and limbs/ as the kiddy rolls along.

Ri tal la, ral la !

" But, I am happy to say, the scene has long since been changed
altogether, and improvement is now the order of the day in
every point of view. Nothing of this kind is now to be wit-
nessed on Milbank, and the race of kiddies — thanks to the
march of intellect — have become extinct. Men's minds have
undergone a complete revolution ; and every thing low, black-
guard, and illiterate, is not only viewed as disgusting to the
feelings of sensible persons, but shunned in all directions/'

" For this picture of men and manners, uncle/' said Sprightly,
" permit me to thank you kindly : it has proved a very interest-
ing subject to me."

" The only thing disagreeable, decidedly disagreeable to me, on
the banks of the Thames, is the look of the Penitentiary ; it
always produces in me the most unpleasant sensations/' observed
Flourish ; "its very look is appalling."

" It also reminds me of an extraordinary character who lived
very near it for some years/' said Makemoney, " who was hanged
for forgery : and it was well known, at the same time, that he
could neither read nor write."

" Not read, nor write," asked Flourish, " Is it possible ! —
How could he commit a forgery, I should like to know ?"

" He was tried on two counts — one for forgery, and the other
for uttering the notes, knowing them to be forged," replied
Makemoney ; " you rarely meet with so extraordinary a per-
son, and well might Shakespeare assert —

" What a piece of woi k is man !"

"Did he follow any trade or calling?" asked Flourish, "I

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 14?

should like to hear a little of his history ; any thing- out of* the
common routine of the lives of men, either in high or low life,
always interests me more than I can express ! You will, per-
haps, oblige us with a few of his peculiar traits, we cannot
know too much of the actions of mankind !"

" I will, as far as my recollection serves me, and likewise,
what I have heard of him," replied Makemoney. " Slender
Billy was the designation he was known by, and was recogniz-
ed, as well in the neighbourhood of Westminster, as the old
Abbey itself!

" He kept a menagerie for beasts of every description, in the
Willow Walk, Tothill Fields, and was patronized by some of
the first people in the kingdom, who were fond of baiting the
bull, the bear, the badger, &c., and also by the collegians, who
left the study of Homer, and the elements of Euclid, for the
more intimate knowledge of the game bull and the fierce badgers.
In fact, numerous M. P.'s were often seen participating in the
rude humours of the pit, regardless of the heterogenous mixture
of the company ; and also, several members of the peerage, did
not appear to feel any sort of degradation to patronize the
efforts of Slender Billy in his breed of dogs, and other animals
calculated to afford amusement."

" There must have been considerable talent attached to him,
although in a peculiar way," said Sprightly.

" Yes, and strength of mind, too," answered Makemoney ;
" only listen to the result.

" Slender Billy was quite a hero in his own way ; and a man
of considerable importance amongst the thieves. In the cant
language, he was viewed as the safest fence in the kingdom ; —
i. e. a receiver of stolen goods. His integrity was considered
as firm as a rock ; and any thing like treachery to his pals was
never thought of. Billy was well known to the officers of justice
in the above character ; and the magistrates in the neighbour-
hood, were perfectly aware that such a man dwelt within one
hundred miles of their office. But the Lacedemonians did not
acknowledge thieving as a crime, provided the thief was not
caught in the fact. This was the creed of Slender Billy !"

*' Indeed/' said Flourish, " you do astonish me. But how did
he escape punishment, when himself and dwelling were so very
notorious ?"

" For forty years he pursued this career ; but during that
period he had been in custody several times, merely on suspicion,
and his plans were so well laid, that he always escaped detec-
tion.— Ha ! ha ! ha ! I cannot help laughing, whenever I think
of it. — His dwelling house was particularly well situated for
concealment, and he adopted the following mode, to render it
more secure from the attacks of strangers. He garrisoned it
with bull dogs, so as almost to render it impregnable without
the use of fire arms, and when any intruders paid him a visit,

148 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

that he did not like the appearance of, and he generally kept a
good look out, Billy never leaving- any thing to chance, he let
his best friends loose, as he termed his dogs ; this gave him time,
if he had any concealed property on the premises, to remove it.
Officers, and other persons, were in danger of their lives, if they
attempted to contend with the fury and courage of his thorough-
bred English bull dogs.

" Billy often used to laugh heartily at this circumstance when
relating it to any of his acquaintances — * I never pay any taxes
myself/ said he ; * but I give my dogs the hint, and they inform-
ed the parish officers that if they had any desire to get home in a
whole skin, to return the house, in their books, as an empty
one.'"

" It may be well said," replied Sprightly, " that one half of
the world does not know how the other half lives \"

" True," answered Makemoney, " but the most extraordinary
part of his life is to be developed. He was a housebreaker m
his own person ; and a most accomplished workman, to com-
plete the object in view without detection. In all his trans-
actions with the thieves, he was considered one of the finest
specimens of an honourable and an honest man, that ever existed.
He was a straight-forward fellow upon all occasions, and when-
ever he gave his word and honour to his companions, it was
valued by them equal to the most severe, and binding oath,
taken by any pious man. Slender Billy was frequently called
upon to divide stolen property amongst thieves ; and in his cha-
racter of an arbitrator) Lord Eldon could not have been nicer,
or more conscientious in his decisions to do justice, even to the
splitting of a hair.

" To his offspring, (and he had two remarkably fine daughters,
who were much admired for their persons,) he was tenderness
tself ; and felt an overwhelming anxiety to give them excellent
educations, to make up for that deficiency in himself, which he
often bitterly lamented the want of, to his friends.

" The courage of Slender Billy was of the highest order ; fear
was out of the question ; and he possessed a heart that would
have done honour to a better cause. Horses arid dogs he
bought and sold, in rather an extensive manner. However,
singular to state, but true, that in bargaining for the purchase of
each, on refusal to his terms, he has often in a jocular manner
informed the owners, that he must have them for nothing, and
which promise he repeatedly carried into execution "

" I never heard of such an extraordinary character," observed
Flourish ; " I have read the whole of the Newgate Calendar ;
but this Slender Billy, as you call him, for his talents distances
the whole of them put together."

" In his occupation as a nacker, (to kill horses when worn out
with age, or owing to accidents,) it was his boast that he had
stolen many a poor old horse, rather out of charity to his carcase,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 149

than for the value of his flesh. Slender was always viewed as a
humane man/'

" What a strange mixture of good and bad qualities in the
same person," observed Sprightly.

" Yes," said Makemoney, " he was viewed by his associates as
one of the staunchest men alive ; and whatever affair he was
engaged in, Billy proved himself as firm as a rock ; and nothing
could tempt him to act the part of a dishonourable fellow.

" For a certain sum of money, he entered into an agreement
with a French General, of the name of Austin, who was on his
parole in England, with several other French prisoners, to con-
vey them safely and secretly out of this country to France, for
which he was treacherously impeached by one of his companions,
and sentenced to two years imprisonment/'

" Then/' urged Flourish, " the adage does not always stand
good, * that there is honour amongst thieves !'"

" The above imprisonment ultimately proved his downfall and
death," replied Makemoney ; " the rascally conduct and ingrati-
tude of the Frenchman towards Slender Billy, preyed severely,
at times, upon his feelings, during his confinement. He had
risqued the safety of his person, added to the expenses of a boat,
and the assistance of other persons, to render the escape of the
Frenchman more certain, and upon the GeneraFs landing on his
own soil, notwithstanding his oath and promises to Billy, he was
ungratefully cheated out of his reward. He was so enraged at
being thus tricked by the rascally Mounseers, as he termed
them, that he swore, he would much sooner have forgiven the
robbery of the whole of his property in one night, and have been
left entirely destitute, than any man should have forfeited to him
his word and honour, in a cause, in which Slender Billy had
been engaged."

" I would have had such an ungrateful scoundrel, as that
French General, thrown into the sea," observed Flourish ;
" and however he might have called out for assistance to save
his life, none should have been rendered to him, as an example
to other traitors !"

" Severe, but just," replied Makemoney, "and nothing can
be considered too harsh for the crime of ingratitude, more
especially when liberty and life is in danger from it.

" Slender Billy, during his imprisonment, being still anxious
to turn the penny to account, acting upon the old adage — ' Get
money, honestly, if you can ; but get money,' — and flattering
himself that none of his pals would betray him, he dabbled a
little in forged notes ; but he found, to his cost, that he was
mistaken in the integrity of his associates, and he was regularly
sold. A plant, as they call it, (a scoundrel, under the mask of
friendship,) was put upon him, and in spite of his knowledge
and caution, proved his destruction."

" Honesty is the best policy, after all, in this life," said

150 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Sprightly, " and then a man may lay his head upon his pillow
and sleep soundly, without any thing- like fear or apprehension
disturbing- his rest."

" A more cold-blooded plan was never laid for the ruin of a
man, than in the following- instance," observed Makemoney.
" The notes wTere scarcely purchased, under the mask of friend-
ship for Billy, by one of his associates, when the rascal g-ave
immediate notice to the keepers of Newg-ate, who were in wait-
ing- outside of the door, for the result. They rushed in, and
seized violently hold of his person ; but his courag-e and resolu-
tion did not desert him in the hour of distress ! Slender was a
very strong- man, and determined not to be entrapped while a
chance remained to extricate himself from danger, or while he
had any streng-th left ; he wrestled successively with his keepers,
and threw them from him with the utmost ease, and shoving- his
hand, which contained the marked notes, broug-ht in by his
treacherous associate, into the fire, and holding- it there till they
were all burnt, exclaimed — ' Now its all right, you may search
and be d— d V "

" With such high courage and cool determination," said Flou-
rish, "what essential services might such a man have rendered
his country."

" But Billy was wrong in his conjecture," observed Make-
money ; " unfortunately for him, some forged notes were con-
cealed in his bedstead, which he had forgotten, and which, added
to corroborating circumstances, proved his overthrow. The
Bank of England had been making great exertions to find out
the source from whence the forged notes were obtained ; and it
is an incontrovertible fact, that Slender Billy could not read,
although he was indicted for forgery! He had plenty of good
notes about him when he was searched by the officers ; and the
way he distinguished a large note from the 'one pound ' was,
from the length of the words, ' one hundred/ &c."

" Such a person justly deserved punishment for his misdeeds/
answered Flourish, " but he ought not to have lost his life from
deceit and treachery."

" He appeared very firm throughout his trial," said Make-
money ; " but, on being turned into his cell, after his condemna-
tion, his feelings were overcome, and he burst into tears. He
said, if he had not have been able to have cried, he thought his
heart would have burst. But his fortitude returned, and he
soon resumed his wonted cheerfulness. He divided his property
in the most equitable manner between his family ; and he pre-
pared himself for his awful exit with so much firmness as to
astonish all his friends. However, singular to state, in oppo-
sition to some part of his behaviour, he was a man of strict
punctuality and integrity in all his dealings, as to the common
transactions of business, and had saved a larere sum of money."
" If he could not read nor write/' said Flourish, " he must

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 151

have had a good head, and have been an excellent cal-
culator, according- to his own notion of thing's."

" The following- decision he made, when offered his life, if
he would inform against the persons who furnished him with
the forged notes, is a convincing proof of his correct notions of
honor," observed Makemoney. " Nothing could tempt him from
his purpose ; urging-, that he preferred death to dishonor. He
had also, he said, solemnly pledged himself, in common with
the rest of his associates, never to impeach the concern under
any trouble, and that he was now too honourable to forfeit his
word/'

" There is something about the character of such a man, in
spite of his failings, that must excite our pity/' said Sprightly.
" Had he have received the advantages of education, I have no
doubt in my mind but a better fate might have awaited him."

" Upon his being pressed very closely by his intimate friends
to save his life," replied Makemoney, " he replied, that if he did
inform against his pals, he must hang several others, and render
their families miserable. Therefore, what happiness could he
derive, if he gained his liberty ? His life would always be in
danger. A pardon, it is said, was offered to him the night be-
fore, and also upon the morning of his execution ; but he resisted
all importunities on the subject — saying, that he must ever after-
wards have crawled upon the earth in secresy, and never shewn
himself in daylight. He, therefore, resigned himself to his
fate, and expiated his offences on the scaffold without a sigh, or
a desire to live. His exploits would fill a volume."

" And would make a very interesting one, I have no doubt,"
said Flourish.

" It was the opinion of Slender Billy," resumed Makemoney,
" that six hours' rest was quite enough for any man, and that
the remaining- part of the twenty-four ought to be actively em-
ployed honestly ; but if that could not be done, a man ought
not to stand in his own light as to the acquirement of property.

" It was said of Slender Billy, that when St. Paul's Cathe-
dral was robbed of its massy plate, he received it without any
qualms of conscience ; and he also kept a private still, being a
great enemy to Excise and Parish Officers. He frequently
laughingly observed to his acquaintances, that tailors were of
no use of him. He had no choice of colours ; neither was he
particular as to superfine or any other cloth : nay, more, he was
never measured for any articles of wearing apparel. He was
asked how he managed these circumstances. ' Why,' said he, ' to
tell you the truth, ' I always prigged * all the dress that ever
covered my body.'

* No person was better known in his day, in the neighbourhood of West-
minster, than the late Slender Billy, and recognized in the following characters :
— A safe fence (receiver of stolen goods) j an expert cracksman (a house-breaker) ;
a peter-man (cutting the luggage off fiom coaches) j a nacker (a killer of horses);

152 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" And now," said 'Makemoney, " I think a finer illustration of
Pope's maxim was never made out than in the case of Slender
Billy, that the

*' Proper study of mankind is man ! "

The wind was blowing rather fresh, and nearly capsized
Flourish's hat, when he observed to the Captain of the steamer,
— " I believe you call this part of the river ' Chelsea Reach ; '
otherwise, the ' Cocknies' Sea.' "

" Yes, sir/' replied the Captain ; <( people that don't know
any better may laugh at the term of ' Cocknies' Sea ;" but I
have seen several accidents occur here entirely owing to the
violence of the wind ; and small sailing and other boats have
been upset in the Reach : indeed, in several parts of the River
Thames I have experienced more severe gales than I have in
coming from Scotland."

" We have been so much interested, my dear uncle, with your
entertaining anecdotes/' said Sprightly, " that we have passed
several interesting objects, that otherwise might have engaged
our attention ; but as Hampton Races, and a visit to Turf's cot-
tage, being set apart for this trip, other days must be devoted for
those places we have passed over."

Richmond was now at hand, and the Pilgrims were on the
look out for Charles Turf, whom, as they neared the shore, they

a gin-spinner (a private still) ; the keeper of a dog-pit, &c., in a business-like
manner; yet, nevertheless, in the general acceptation of the phrase, when met
with out of either of his callings — as a lively, jolly, spirited fellow ! He had
no notion of doing things by halves, as he termed it; and he always liked to treat
his friends in a handsome manner when he gave them an invitation to his house.
At one of his christenings — for he was fond of birthdays, and keeping up the
good old customs of hospitality — he invited a very numerous party, as he said,
*' to give the kid a name." Nothing could exceed the splendour of the repast.
The tables groaned under the weight of the good things of this life, which were
furnished in the utmost profusion. :The dessert vied with the first nobleman's
banquet in the kingdom for variety and richness of fruit. The wines were of the
very best quality, including champagne and other expensive sorts ; and the spirits
could not be surpassed for their excellence. In fact, an emperor, or the greatest
epicure, could not have found fault with a single article of refreshment that was
provided for the guests. The company — rather a most heterogenous mixture of
thieves and honest persons — stared and looked at each other with surprize, and
were calculating what a vast expense he must have been at in furnishing such an
out of the way splendid entertainment. But he soon removed all doubts upon
the subject ; and, being rather merry, he filled himself a large rummer full of
sparkling champagne, singing a line or two of the well- known flash song,—
" For supper Billy stood,
To treat his curious cronies/ &c.

drinking the whole of their healths ; observing, at the same time, " The more
you eat and drink, my friends, the more I shall be pleased, for then I shall think
that you like the supper. The flats say the blunt can do any thing} but in this
case the blunt was not required at all, and I have not put myself to the slightest
expense — for every thing you see in this room, either on or off the table, I have
stolen. So 1 again say, make yourselves all happy and comfortable, for it is im-
possible that either you or I can quarrel about the price of it."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 153

espied looking- towards them. "Here am I," said he, (l you see
I know the value of time : and always make it a point to be
five minutes before, than after, in any engagement I make. How-
ever, I am very glad to see you, my jolly Pilgrims — the weather
is fine — the day is delightful — the road appears to be crowded
with company — and, I have no doubt, I shall be able to furnish
you with plenty of amusement of one sort or another. So jump
up, my friends, and we shall soon be on the race-course, which
you will find a complete scene of excitement from one end of it
to the other !

" The spot on which you now stand,'* observed Turf, " has been
distinguished for several great sporting events — besides racing,
coursing, &c., most of the principal prize battles have been con-
tested on Moulsey Hurst. However, that sort of amusement
has had its day; and it is not my intention to offer any
argument either for or against its continuance ; but I merely
make the remark, that I have seen some of the greatest legisla-
tors that ever adorned this, or any other country, sitting down on
this beautiful turf, viewing the contests I have alluded to with
all the breathless anxiety and suspence that ever attended the
most important debates in both Houses of Parliament, and the
greatest personage in the kingdom included as one of the
anxious spectators."

" Indeed," said Makemoney, " I was not aware of that cir-
cumstance ; but nevertheless, in a free country like ours, I do
not think the illustrious person at the very head of affairs,
can be too much acquainted with the manners and sports of the
people over whom he has to preside \"

" Exactly so/' replied Turf ; te spoken like a real patriot, and
a true politician. From having obtained a thorough knowledge
of the people — mixing with them — participating in their habits
— and hearing their opinions on the laws and governm erit, in
propria persona, he is, by such intercourse, enabled to guard
against flatterers — to form a correct judgment in his own mind
— and is not likely to be beaten down by powerful sophisticate
eloquence on the one side of the question, or give way to brow-
beating oratory on the other ; provided he had only emancipated
from his closet, and left the leading-strings of courtiers and
sycophants. And if ever any sovereign, in the history of kings and
emperors, had a thorough knowledge of the feelings of his peo-
ple, it is our present King, God bless him !"

" If all the crowned heads in the world," said Flourish, " had
the same opportunity of becoming acquainted — personally, with
the manners, customs, and sports of the people, over whom they
preside, government would be better administered — the cause
and effects of liberty would be more generally understood on
both sides of the question — and a much greater portion of happi-
ness enjoyed by all ranks of society !"

" I think I heard you say, Makemoney, that you never was

x

154 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

upon a race-course in your life, during- the time the races were
contested/' remarked Turf ; " then 1 will promise you a treat —
although I have been upon almost every course in the kingdom,
yet, strange to say, it always appears like a new feature to me,
from the variety of subjects that continually attract the notice,
independant of the sport which occurs between the horses !
But to a common observer, a person not interested as a betting1
man, a race-course is a fine picture of real life ; and affords a
fine source of amusement. There is a great mixture of com-
pany, no doubt, and you are sure to run against the good, bad,
and indifferent part of society. But if you are careful, and do
not mix in the confusion and crowd, you will have very little
to complain of, I assure you — therefore, I say, be on your
guard !"

" We are very much obliged to you," replied Flourish ; " but
we are nothing- else but careful fellows, arid always look before
we leap !"

" 1 am glad to hear it," said Turf ; " but I see some of my
friends in the betting- stand, that I have some wagers with,
during- which time, you Pilgrims can take a stroll over the course,
and spend a short period in the most pleasant manner you can with
the different subjects which present themselves to your notice.
Therefore, till 1 return to you, you will excuse my absence ; but
you never can be dull upon a race-course."

The first thing that attracted the notice of the Pilgrims upon
the departure of Turf, was a man with a small table, and a crowd
of persons listening to his harangue. He had three thimbles
upon the table, and was endeavouring to shew his capabili-
ties by placing peas under them, and continually shifting them,
so that no person could name the particular thimble under
which one of the peas was to be found. The strange and im-
pudent remarks of the fellow, produced roars of laughter.

"With this small thimble, and this little pea," said he, " it is
impossible that any thing like deception can take place;
cheating is entirely out of the question. Therefore, I will bet
pounds, crowns, pewter, or copper, a five, or ten pound note, or
any other sum, large or small, that no lady or gentleman pre-
sent, can tell under which thimble the pea is to be found ! Qan
you tell, sir ?" addressing himself to Flourish.

" I don't think the pea is under either of them," replied Flou-
rish, (i I saw you throw it away, and here it is, upon the ground/'

"You don't know a pea from a turnip, I'm sure," said the
fellow, a you had better borrow a pair of spectacles the next
time you come to the races, for you must be blind ! You can't
see at all, and I'll bet you five pounds the pea is under that
thimble," (pointing to one of the three). These rude remarks
produced bursts of laughter from the crowd, at the expense of
Flourish, who was getting a little angry.

" You may be as saucy as you please, Mr. Thimbleman, to my

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 155

friend, but I likewise saw you throw the pea away !" said
Sprightly, quite in a passion, " you can't impose upon us so easy
as you imagine." Another loud laugh from the crowd, and the
persons connected with the gang.

" You are a moon-raker, I'm sure/' replied the fellow with
the thimbles. " You are a nice man to find a mare's nest ! You can
see what never took place ! I'll bet you five, or ten pounds, that
the pea is under the middle thimble ; but stop, I'm wrong, you
never had five pence in your pocket in your life time — you are
only some journeyman barker to a clothes shop — and you have
borrowed a suit of clothes from your master, to cut a bounce for
the day at the races — I'm up to you ! But such fellows are of no
use to any body — poor fellow, I pity you."

" He's no moon-raker, fellow," said Makemony, quite irritable,
" nor a barker to a clothesman, but a young gentleman of pro-
perty ; therefore, be more choice of your words in future. You
know, very well, you threw the pea away !"

" Don't put yourself in a passion, my old cripple, with one
leg in the grave !" answered the thimble man, accompanied with
a tremendous laugh from the crowd.

" I'll give any man the price of a pint of ale, if he will take
this poor insane creature to the lunatic asylum, which is close
at hand, and the governor of the chanty will reward him well
for his trouble ; poor old creature, he is as mad as a March
hare !" Roars of laughter followed these remarks.

Flourish, Sprightly, and Makemoney, being entirely off their
guard, with this sort of cant — vulgarly called chaff-cutting,
were nearly ready to knock the saucy fellow down.

" Well now, you three pretended swells," said the thimble
man, " if you were all put into a bag, and well shook together,
nine pennor'th of coppers would not be found amongst you. — No-
thing else but outside show I"

" You are a lying scoundrel," replied Makemoney, " we have
got our pockets full of money \"

" 1 should like to see it," answered the thimble man. " I'll
bet you five pounds the pea is under the outside thimble, and no
mistake !"

Flourish, in a whisper 'to Makemoney, observed — " he said it
was under the middle thimble before, he must be wrong, I'm
sure !"

When a decently dressed looking man, a confederate in dis-
guise, observed to them, in a kind of whisper, " I would bet
him five pounds for his impudence, and make him pay for it. —
I saw him throw the pea away myself — you can't lose, it is im-
possible— bet him !" This advice, or rather stratagem, had the
desired effect, and the jolly Pilgrims were completely duped.

" Done for five pounds," cried Makemoney, putting down
the note, quite in ecstacy that he should punish the fellow for his
impudence.

156 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" A fool and his money are soon parted," (taking- up the out-
side thimble, under which the pea was discovered,) said the
thimble man. The roar of laughter was terrific, and several of
the fellows cried out — "He certainly is mad, take him off' to the
lunatic asylum." The astonishment of the Pilgrims is not to be
described — the mob now began to hustle Makemoney, who see-
ing his danger, made the best of his way to another part of the
course, followed by Flourish and Sprightly.

After the Pilgrims had recovered from their surprise, and hav-
ing a hearty laugh at the way they had been decoyed to lose
their money, Makemoney observed, rather gravely, " Live and
learn !"

" Truly/' replied Flourish, " and you are quite aware, my
friend, that learning has always proved an expensive article ;
therefore, as it is a new reading to you, don't complain. Turf
will have the laugh against us, when we tell him of this
adventure."

They had not moved many yards before they observed another
touter, a fellow haranguing the crowd outside the door of one of
the gambling booths, inviting the spectators to walk in and make
their fortunes !

" This is the lucky booth," said he, " fortunes are made with
the utmost ease, and without the least anxiety ! But, remember,
nothing venture, nothing win ; therefore, walk in, and please
yourselves. It is called the game of line, Deux, Cinque!
Fifty can play as well as one — and it is not necessary to exchange
a single word upon the subject.

" Some persons may wish to insinuate it is gambling ; but rest
assured, ladies and gentlemen, there never wras a greater error
broached in society ; it is positively nothing more than an ele-
gant amusement, at which the very first quality in the kingdom
are delighted with.

" Only take a peep at the interior, and you will find it fashion
itself! The table is magnificent, and the ball, which rolls so
interestingly round it, is beautiful, and reminds you of the colours
of the rainbow ! Therefore, you have only to fix on the right
colour, and 'good luck ' you will find at your elbow ! Nothing
can be more simple ! — You have not to ask yourself a question on
the subject ! A child can play as well as the antique hero !
There is no shuffling and cutting at this amusement ; and trumps
are not required to win at this game !

" Some obstinate people will call it a game ! But what's in a
name ? — Nothing ! Then, I say, ladies and gentlemen, walk in,
out of the heat of the sun and dust. Wine is at your service ;
and if you hit upon the right colour, you are sure to make a HIT !
"We are the most honourable folks to deal with in the world!
You can taste before you buy ! That is to infer, you can walk in,
and see how the amusement is going on, and then amuse your-
selves as you think proper. Free will is our motto ! We have

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 157

no decoy ducks, but if you will not put money into your pockets,
and lay the foundation of a fortune, that is not my fault."

" This man appears more refined in his discourse, than the
vulgar thi-nble fellow, I admit/' saidMakemoney, " but his invita-
tion may'not be a jot the less deceptive ! He does not want for the
art of persuasion to induce people to enterthe booth ; and he seems
to possess that sort of imposing- ability, which would make some
people almost believe that the moon is made of green cheese !"

" Never mind what he says on the subject/' replied Flourish ;
" I will try my luck — I can leave off' when I like. — Besides, I
have had a touch at this sport before ! Therefore, I will be your
leader in the amusement, as the fellow called it at the door. I
think, I know as much as any of them about Une, Deux, Cinque;
I will show you both how to win money enougii to pay all our
expences."

" If that is the case," said Sprightly, te there is not much
danger to be apprehended in looking at your play, Flourish. Go
in, and my uncle and I will follow you."

Flourish pulled out his purse with a smile on his face, and a
look of consequence — whispering to Makemoney, on taking out
live pound, " I shall soon turn them into twenty-live sovereigns
— so here goes !"

" I hope you will," said Makemoney, " to make up for the
thimble-rig!"

" Hush !" answered Sprightly, " let that affair be consigned
to oblivion."

Flourish's first sovereign soon vanished on blue — the second
shared the same fate — the third was missing quickly — the fourth
gone in a twinkling — and the fifth, off' like a shot ! Flourish
felt his own insignificance ; and Makemoney and Sprightly could
not refrain from a fit of laughter.

" It is nothing, sir, when you are used to it," remarked the
man at the table, with a smothered grin. " If you had selected
the right colour, the event must have come off differently. Will
you make your game, sir ?"

" Not any more to-day/' answered Flourish, " it is not one of
my lucky ones." The Pilgrims immediately left the booth, in
search of other adventures.

" We may as well see all the tricks and fancies offered to us,
now we are on the spot," said Sprightly, " it will prevent loss
of time when we go to another race-course : besides we shall not
be had a second time."

A shabbily dressed looking fellow was next observed by the
Pilgrims, flourishing about a garter (a piece of list,) in his hand,
talking to a small group of persons — " Behold this garter," said
he, " and simple as it may look, the king, our gracious sove-
reign, never had any thing like such a garter in his possession,
although he has given so many garters to the brave knights about
his person.

158 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" I call it the * Magical Garter/ because it is more difficult to
unravel than the celebrated clue you have heard talked of by
your great grandfathers and grandmothers, which secretly led
to Fair Rosamond's bower.

" It was given to me by a great necromancer, who had more
eyes in his head than Argus, and more fingers on his hands than
the spots in a peacock's tail. There never was so great a crea-
ture in the world, before nor since ; he out-heroded Herod, by
his astonishing feats and performances ! And good luck to his
memory say I, for he gratuitously bequeathed to me a taste of
his quality !

" Then, thus it is, ladies and gentlemen — from a bob to a
crown — from a sovereign to ten — fifty to a hundred — nay, for
any thing you like — a bushel of gold to a sackful of the pre-
cious coin ! Do not start with surprise, when I tell you I have
a waggon-load close by of the glittering ore, just to convince
the public of the value set upon me by the Bank Directors ; and
that I do not stand still for the ready rhino to back myself — that
no lady or gentleman on the Race-course are in possession of the
secret to fix the garter in this table with a large pin, which I
will put into their hands for that particular purpose !

" My trumpeter is now over the Course, offering this challenge
to all the world !

tf Come (addressing Makemoney), you are fat enough, ould
chap, to be an astronomer, if you like it. You consult the stars,
at times, I have no doubt — a dealer in the occult sciences ; and
perhaps a Bartholomew Fair conjuror in disguise ! Therefore, I
will lay a sum, equal to all the coin in your pockets and the
clothes upon your back, that, with all your knowledge of the
' abracadabara,' you cannot fix this garter with the pin to the
table ! " A very loud laugh from the crowd, and shouts of ap-
plause, followed this speech.

Makemoney could not resist joining in the laugh, although
against himself, but replied, rather in an angry tone of voice,
" I am no conjuror, nor a wise man ; but I am not fool enough
to be entangled in your garter."

" Well, don't be out of temper — you are old enough to know
better — but you are only in leading strings yet/' said the chap
with the garter ; " if you are a flat you can't help your looks !
Perhaps your two friends are clever, and they don't know it.
Let them have a try — I am open to all their cunning for a trifle.
Come, young swells, you don't prick either in or OUT of the gar-
ter, for a sovereign. There is a fine chance for you, if you have
any thing like pluck about you/'

This last challenge put Sprightly on his mettle, and in an in-
stant he replied, " Done, for a sovereign — I prick out of the
garter ! " The money was put down ; when the garter man
observed, — " I like your courage ; you are sure to win — if you
don't lose ! Ha ! ha ! ha! Now, see what a flat you look like !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 159

Why, you are in the garter ! Now, I'll lay you another sovereign,
if you try again, you are OUT of the garter !" The shouts and
loud laughter from the crowd made such a noise that the Pil-
grims were glad to make their escape as soon as possible.

In the course of a few minutes they perceived the cheerful
countenance of Turf making towards them. <( Well, my worthy
Pilg'rims, I hope you have been highly amused during my short
absence."

" Very much amused, indeed," replied Makemoney ; " I have
been picked up, as you term it, for a customer at the thimble rig,
and I am a five-pound note the worse for it."

" Ditto, at Une, Deux, Cinque," said Flourish ; " but I was at
fault respecting the right colour — I took blue instead of red, or
else it would not have happened."

" And I," observed Sprightly, " have been punished a little,
for endeavouring to become acquainted with the mysterious folds
of the garter."

'< Ha ! ha ! ha ! Then you cannot laugh at one another, as
you have all been nibbled a tiny bit," said Turf; <£ but, my dear
Pilgrims, there is nothing like EXPERIENCE in this life : theo-
retical knowledge goes for very little in the scale of society : I
have paid for it — and so must you. After all, perhaps you have
laid out your money well. Listen to me. At the Thimble-rig,
you have not a shadow of chance to win, be you as clear-sighted
as possible, without they give you a sprat to catch a herring !
Therefore, have nothing more to do with thimbles.

" With the Garter, it is precisely the same thing : the man
who holds it can either put you in the folds or out of them at
pleasure : then let this information satisfy you ; and leave the
tricks of the garter for other customers at a Race-course, and
consider one pill a dose.

" At the game of Une, Deux, Cinque ! you can win ; and, in
my time, I have seen several banks broken belonging to the
different tables on a Race-course ; or at gambling-houses, when
a run of ill-luck has been against them. But novices must ex-
pect to have a little the worst of it when they first 'come out.'
Ha ! ha ! ha ! "

At this juncture, a dirty-looking little man, with a cadaverous
face, worn out from the effects of riot, dissipation, and debauch-
ery— scarcely a shoe to his foot, a worn-out hat, and a coat that
had done its duty for several years past — hastily pushed by Turf
— moving his hat to the latter — and said, " I hope you are well,
sir."

" I wonder at the fellow's impudence to address me in public,"
observed Turf, with great indignation ; " a detestable fellow
like that

Providence slubbered it in haste.
'Tis one of her unmeaning compositions,

160 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

She manufactures when she makes a gross.
She'll form a million such — and all alike —
Then send them forth, ashamed of her own work,
And set no mark upon them. Get thee gone!

" In that wretched epitome of a man ; or, rather the wreck of
a human being- ; you behold a distressing picture and awful ex-
ample of thoughtlessness and extravagance ; it is frightful to re-
flect upon it ! He was possessed, at different times in his life, of
property to the amount of upwards of eighty thousand pounds.
His father, a foreigner, was a merchant at the east-end of the
town, a dealer in diamonds, a very cunning, sharp, deep sort of
man, with no other object in view but to realize money. In fact,
money was his idol. His son was born in England, and it might
in truth be said, without a mind. What little education he ob-
tained, was like swindling, for his father would never pay any of
his schoolmasters without they obtained payment in a court of
justice ! This might be considered a drawback to improvement,
but he never shewed any signs of intellect, and imbibed the
greatest portion of his father's worst qualities ! But he never had
any idea of the * main chance/ although from the moment he
could lisp, he never saw any thing before his eyes but the most
parsimonious conduct in his parent — a complete miser ;
who would never part with a shilling without the law com-
pelled him to do so ; the great feature in his son's life was
reduction — instead of increasing his property. Well might it
be said of father and son —

Sure such a pair were never seen !

" From quite a youth he appeared to have a taste for depravity
of the worst kind; and his associates, both male and female,
were composed of the lowest grade in society. Nevertheless,
he was flattered, caressed, and made the hero of the tale in such
companies, because he could administer to their wants, and fur-
nish money to pay the nightly expences of each debauch. The
only ambition he was said ever to possess, was to appear some-
thing like a well-dressed gentleman ; but if he had had a
well-furnished hall, and a score or two of tailors every morning
at his command, they never could have accomplished the task !
His clothes were, at that period, of the first quality, but he never
rose higher in the estimation of his own immediate friends, than
a tolerably attired groom to a man of property.

" He ultimately, by the advice of some of his cronies, took to
gambling ; and accordingly visited some of the first-rate houses
at the west-end, and having lots of money in his possession, he
played for heavy stakes. He was quite a novice — impudent and
proud — and as headstrong as a horse, he dashed at every thing
that presented itself to his view. He would not listen to any
thing like advice ; and he has been known to bet the odds —
seven to four upon himself, when it has been two to one

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 161

ugainst him : yet, strang-e to say, such extraordinary luck *
attended him, that lie has broken two and three substantial
banks of an evening*. But his day was for a very short time.
He was found to be by his associates what is termed nothing"
else but a rank flat ! He was floored upon every suit — he pos-
sessed no judgment whatever, and several schemes were laid to
victimize him with the greatest success. From bad to worse,
he ultimately lost sight of every thing* like principle, and would
join in any robbery to cheat the unwary : his moral character
was detestable in the extreme, and much worse than all his
other transactions put together. In the zenith of his riches, he
married a poor girl, according- to his account of it, from attach-
ment ; but, from his connection with the most abandoned fe-
males, he very soon g-ot rid of her, and allowed a g-entleman
ten guineas a week to keep his once dearly-beloved wife, as he
urged, out of " harm's way/' which the attorney of this de-
praved man reg-ularly paid to him.

(( But ruin overtook this ' apology' for a human being- ; and
from such extravagant conduct and excesses he was reduced to
want and almost beg-g-ary ! He then turned Informer ag-ainst

* '* Luck1' does wonders frequently at a gaming table, as well as in other pur-
suits in life ; and it is surprising what novices have achieved, although quite ig-
norant as to any scientific knowledge of the game they have been playing — the
mere effects of chance. The following facts may be relied upon : — the brother of
an Admiral, who had a great penchant for play — seldom missing a night at the
table of a well-known horse — lost a heavy sum of money one night, it is
said, not being quite himself, having indulged a little too much over the bottle,
before he appeared at the table ; in consequence of which he lost every shilling
he had in his pockets, but still was very anxious to play ! He therefore asked the
proprietor of the house to lend him some money to proceed with the game ! " At
any other period, and on any other pursuit " replied mine host, " any sum of
money should be readily at your service, sir; but in the present instance it is
contrary to the rules of our house to lend money to play against ourselves. Should
you want any trifling sum to pay for a coach home, you have, sir, only to mention
it.*' " No I'* he indignantly replied, " I can walk home;" rather chagrined at
the refusal of a loan. However, he had scarcely got a few yards from the house
in question, when putting his hand accidentally into one of the outside pockets of
his coat, to his great surprise he found a ten pound note, which he supposed he
must have put in by mistake during the anxiety of play. He immediately returned
to the table, and in the course of the night not only recovered the sum of money
he had lost, but actually went home one thousand five hundred pounds the win-
ner !

Another instance might be quoted as to a lucky and an unlucky night in the
same person. The son of one of the most celebrated members of the bar, (who
was distinguished not only for the propriety of his general life, but his indefati-
gable attention to his profession) *' but no more like his father than I to Hercu-
les !" won some thousands rapidly in succession at two or three houses in the
early part of the evening ; and congratulating himself on his great success, he
called at a Club House on his road home, where he met with a couple of the most
scientific players at whist, cribbage, and other similar games ; he was persuaded to
play, and he not only lost every shilling that he had about him, but was compelled
to give his I. O. U. for several thousands. Such are the effects and circumstances
connected with gambling. Many other instances, well-known facts in the " play
world," might be introduced, if necessary. There are a few cool gamblers, it is
said, that are not to be moved by any circumstances whatever.

Z

162 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

some of the houses in which he had lost his money — but his cha-
racter was so bad that his oath had no weight in a Court of Jus-
tice, and he was foiled ! I understand he now lives like a sturdy
beggar on the contributions of shillings and half-crowns from
his former associates, whom he duns every time he meets them.
However, he is despised and shunned, as he ought to he, by
every person who values the appellation of — a MAN !

" However we may be taught to feel for the misfortunes of
our fellow -creatures," replied Makemoney, " there cannot be
the slightest regret expressed for the sufferings or deprivations
of such a character as you have just represented to us. Such
kind of feelings as he possessed I am totally unacquainted with,
and I hope I ever shall be. I did not think it possible that men
could degrade themselves so horribly in the eyes of society/'

" I do not wonder that you are astonished that the principles
of men can be so debased ; but you have lately ' come out
in life/ and have been more engaged with books than men/' said
Turf; " yet when you mix more with out-door society, who get
a livelihood in the best manner they can, either honestly or other-
wise, your astonishment will wear off in a great degree/'

" Persons in retired situations must be totally ignorant of such
fellows/' observed Flourish, " and cannot for an instant enter-
tain an opinion that such are the every-day transactions of life."

" I have known broken-down gamblers," replied Turf, " who
have lost every shilling they possessed in the world, estates,
land, &c., and who could not work, and ' to beg or dig ' were
ashamed, and who had no means to obtain subsistence, except
in a vile capacity, have turned rapidly round, and lost sight of
all the principles of honor ; and also have become the most in-
veterate black legs and sharpers ever met with in the walks of
life. It is a well-known fact, that in one year in the metropolis
so great did the gambling mania prevail in the higher classes,
that four young men, who came into princely fortunes, lost every
thing they possessed in the world ; amounting, it is urged, to
nearly two millions of money. And if such men can outlive
their misfortunes, is it surprising they can undertake to do any
thing ? "

" You positively alarm me," answered Sprightly, " to think
that men can be such idiots — nay, rogues to themselves — and not
only embitter every future moment of their existence, but also
that of their relatives and friends."

The attention of the Pilgrims was now directed to a ragged
fellow, with a printed list of the race-horses, soliciting them to
become purchasers. " Come, gentlemen sportsmen," said he,
" who's for a bit of the terrible high-bred cattle that are to start
for the gold cups, plates, &c., at Hampton Races ? Take notice,
worthy sporting gentlemen, I offer you none of the low-life
tricks of the garter, thimbles, or throwing a ball round a table,

IN SEARCH OP THE NATIONAL. 163

to deceive your eyes and pick your pockets ! No, no — I have a
higher game to play at.

te Here you have the real sport for your money — the real thing-,
and nothing- but the real thing-. You will witness the talents of
the jockies, whose superiority in riding- those fine creatures is a
treat — all pictures of beautiful horses ! You hear the bell ring-
— see the jockies mount — the race-horses start — and admire
their beauty, bone, and action. You also hear the conversation
of the betting- characters — the immense interest they feel on the
horses going off — the hopes, the fears exhibited — the loud shouts
of approbation from the crowd when they see the jockies make
play, when they are g-etting- near the winning- post — and the joy
and pleasure expressed when the favourite wins the race.

" Therefore, lay out a tizzy, a deuce, or any sum you like, to
encourag-e poor PUBLISHING JACK, — who toddles from one end
of the king-dom to the other, to give a correct list of those ter-
rible, terrible high-bred cattle, for the amusement and informa-
tion of the Sporting- World ! "

" I never heard fellows, in the course of my life," said Make-
money, e< tell their tales half so well as I have heard to-day
upon the race-course ; they positively seem to have made it their
study to find out the weakness of mankind. Ha ! ha ! ha !
They will, if you believe them, persuade you to any thing-. Here
is the rankest g-ambling- that ever was seen, termed Une, Deux,
Cinque, twisted into a pleasant amusement ; the folds of a g-arter
only wants genius to unravel it ; and the thimbles are too small
to cheat or deceive any person whatever. I never heard any
thing- like it ; and indeed it may be truly said, cockney as I am,
that I have lived in London all my life, and a much greater sim-
pleton in reality than the clodhoppers, as they are called."

" True, uncle/' .replied Sprightly, (l you could not have ex-
pected to witness such tricks arid fancies in the counting-house
of a bookseller's shop. If so, our pilgrimage in search of ad-
ventures must have proved nothing else but * stale, flat, and un-
profitable/ "

" Every man to his trade/' observed Flourish ; " call it art*
if you please, for every thing out of doors appears to me to be
reduced to a complete science. You are robbed, according to a
system laid down for the purpose ; cheated, likewise, after the
rules of art ; and however knowing* or experienced a man may
consider himself, in the excitement of the moment, he generally
gets duped, and becomes — a VICTIM ! Plausibility is a very in-
sidious mode of attacking the senses."

" It is the novelty of the attack which beats you/' answered
Turf; " but, after all, you have not had much reason to com-
plain— you have been punished but very little for your credulity.
However, if you please, worthy Pilgrims, we will take a view
of the horses who are about to start, and if you are fond of the

164 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

sight of high-bred animals, I flatter myself you will be much
gratified."

" Any where you like," said Makemoney ; •' we cannot do
wrong, in my opinion, when under your especial care, my friend
Turf; at least, I flatter myself we are as safe as when under
our own roof."

" Such confidence, on your part," replied Turf, " would be
rather blind than otherwise. It is true, 1 might be able to point
out to you several improper places that you ought to avoid visit-
ing ; but there are moments upon a race-course, when, expe-
rienced as 1 am in the ways of the world, I have found it, as the
term goes, ' dangerous to be safe.' Rest assured, 1 am never
too confident.

" However, pleasure is now the order of our movements, so
let us push forwards to the startin<r-post."

Makemoney, in his progress to the appointed place was de-
lighted with the general view of the Course, wrhich was not
deficient in point of fashion, elegance, or female beauty. He
enjoyed the promenade irreatly, and observed to Turf, " You
may laugh at me as much as you please, but I am certainly
proud of my country, and the NATIONALITY of it — the feature
throughout is independence to the echo ! The inmates of the
splendid barouche and four, embellished with a coronet to give
it importance in the eyes of the vulgar, put up with the most
convenient place the coachman can find upon the Course ; while
the proprietor of the donkey and pair of hampers, with articles
le — thinks and acts upon it, that he is entitled to the same
privilege in this free country : and it is this view of the thing
wrhich proves so grateful to my feelings, and makes me proud
that I am an ENGLISHMAN!"

" If I had the power of bestowing the honor of knighthood
to any man of my acquaintance," said Turf, " it should be upon
you, Makemoney, as a real specimen of the true John Bull.
Ha! ha! ha!"

At this instant a dashingly dressed sort of man, but more like
a Frenchman in every point of view, than a native of England,
hurried by Turf, giving him a familiar nod. " I cannot help
smiling," observed the latter, at the contrast which has just
paned me. He is an Englishman from top to toe, con-
nected with birth, parentage, and education : but on the con-
trary his delight is always to express himself in favour of other
countries ; and to run down in the severest style the bad taste
of his own. I believe it is admitted that he has travelled a little
— and he is well known at the West end of the town by the
co^nomenation of Captain Grand ; or Jack the boaster! ! ! He is
quite a character — arid fur a romance, I think 1 may say, lie is
matchless ! I do not mean to urge that he lies with the intention
•»f doing mischief to the persons he talks about — but merely to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 165

give himself an air of importance in the eyes of society to be
looked upon as a man of consequence. He knows, or pretends
to know, every body who has attained any thing- like eminence
with the public ! Dukes and Lords he mentions as his friends
with the greatest familiarity ; and authors, poets, painters, ac-
tresses, and actors, he will become acquainted with, if impu-
dence can assist him. He does not wait for any introduction ;
but contrives by some means or another, as it were, to throw
himself in their way, and then gives an account of himself —
apologising- for the liberty he has taken with them ! But the ad-
dress of Captain Grand, I must confess, is rather prepossessing
than otherwise ; and he is tolerably well informed on most of
the topics of the day. He possesses a trifling- independence,
which enables him to dress wrell at all times — added to econo-
mical habits — he manages to keep up the appearance of a gen-
tleman. He is to be seen at all the public places of amusement
— but he contrives never to pay at any of them — except when
dire necessity compels him to shew the cash — indeed, he is well
known at all of the theatres in the metropolis — as the ' very
orderly g-entleman !' The Captain is likewise ready at all times
to accept of invitations to dinners ; and to act the ' amiable*
upon every occasion when he has not to put his hand into his
own pockets : he adopts the well-known adage to the spirit and
letter of it — that " fools make feasts, and wTise men eat them !"
He is a most excellent card plover — which is a kind of adventi-
tious income for him — and for his knowledge and coolness at
whist and cribbage, he is equal, if not superior to most other
persons in private companies, however competent 1 hey might be,
from possessing a thorough knowledge of the above games. But
to do justice to Captain Grand, I never heard him called as a
cheat, yet I do not remember ever to have heard that he lost a
game upon any occasion: by which luck, as he called it, he was
never short of ready money. In company he always renders
himself a feature — a kind of pocket chronologist to his friends —
by which knowledge he has established for himself the charac-
ter of a reference.

" Yet notwithstanding his accuracy in the above points, when-
ever any opportunity offers that he can get upon stills he be-
comes a perfect Munchausen, by the most outrageous improba-
bilities which he puts forth ; and should his veracity be doubted,
he declares, upon his honor, that he has too much regard for the
truth, to deviate from it, in the slightest particular.

" He is an immense favorite with young persons who have
not seen much of the world. Grand is a most excellent judge
of his company ; he soon finds out their weak points — and if he
can victimise in a genteel manner, he never hesitates ; but then
he has the art of doing it with so much grace and pleasantry,
that he appears rather to be conferring a favour than accepting
of one.

166 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

(t However, he has more than once been roughly handled for
boasting- of having received favours from ladies— of whom he
has been detected in not having the slightest knowledge :
and, in his own opinion, he fancies himself the most deci-
sive ' Lady-killer' in the kingdom. Therefore, my worthy Pil-
grims, should he ever cross your path, you will know how
to treat him— if not prove a complete match for ' Jack the
boaster !' "

" We never can repay you, Sir, for such practical advice," re-
plied Sprightly ; " illustrated by facts, and demonstrated in so
clear and pleasing a manner. For my part, I could listen to
such narratives for ever !"

" We have no time to lose," answered Turf; ft let us go and
look at the racers ! Those terrible high-bred cattle, as the man
with the lists designates them : thfey are my delight ; I am not
ashamed to acknowledge it, and those gentlemen who patronize
the breed of race horses, in my humble opinion ought not to be
classed under the title of — Gamesters ! It is a sport which ought
to he encouraged ; and breeding such fine cattle is an honor to
the country \"

" Much as I am against gambling," said Makemoney, (( I ad-
mire, and would encourage the breed of race horses."

" Notwithstanding there are great prejudices entertained
against the sporting world." replied Turf, " it cannot be denied
that it offers great encouragement towards promoting the breed
of horses, dogs, &c. and many noblemen and gentlemen, attached
to British sports, prove the means of giving employment to
thousands of persons, who otherwise might remain idle, and be-
come burthensome to their parishes ! I am ready to admit that
the attractions of races are alluring to the high-spirited, the
thoughtless, and unwary persons, to speculate their money ; that
ruin — precipitate ruin, is often the serious consequences, before
any such result is anticipated."

" Your candour is admirable," observed Flourish ; " but if
men will run headlong beyond their means, and plunge into
difficulties without any why or wherefore, such inconsiderate
characters must take the consequences upon themselves, and
ought to be punished for their temerity."

" Ambition is also a great feature in the sporting world, like
other movements in life," urged Turf ; " some gentlemen wish
to possess the best stud in the kingdom — a crack pack of hounds,
and superior animals of every description ; and no doubt
great sums of money have been expended in this manner. It
also cannot be denied that many characters are to be met with
who obtain a livelihood on the chance of the thing ; but, never-
theless, it does not follow that all sporting gentlemen are
GAMBLERS : indeed, the contrary is the fact. There are num-
bers of breeders, and names might be mentioned, who never
risk a shilling on any event in a gambling point of view."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 167

Turf had scarcely finished the above remarks, when Sprightly,
quite in ecstacy, roared out to Flourish, " There she is ! "

" Who? the Duchess !" asked Flourish.

" No, no ! talk of snow before the sun/' replied Sprightly,
" but the female with the fine bust, who excited so much atten-
tion amongst us at the sporting-booth at Greenwich ; and she is
giving a very familiar nod to you, Mr. Turf, accompanied with
a pleasing smile."

" Indeed/' said Turf, " then I must return it," and kissed his
hand to her ; " I perceive it is Charlotte "

" Charlotte ! who ? " asked Makemoney. " Has that most
lovely woman no other designation but plain Charlotte ? "

" No other at present ; in fact, she has undergone so many
appellations/' replied Turf, •' that I am quite at fault as to her
real name, and that is the truth of the matter. I have, my dear
uneasy Pilgrims — ha ! ha ! ha ! — no anxiety to conceal it from
you."

" Then I suppose she has been married several times/' ob-
served Flourish.

" That circumstance does not follow/' said Turf ; " the lady
in question is fond of variety, and does not continue in the same
mind long together. Charlotte has been one of the pretty play-
things of fortune, and her run of good luck has been almost
unequalled. She is prodigal, changeable, and extravagant, to
the echo ! Charlotte is a most dangerous acquaintance ; and if
you never know any more about her but plain Charlotte, that
will be quite enough, I assure you."

" Old as I am/' replied Makemoney, '* I must confess her
looks are cent, per cent, in her favor."

" Say no more at present — the horses are about to start," ob-
served Turf, singing a few lines of the much-admired ballad of
Charles Dibdin, Esq. —

See the Course throng'd with gazers, the sports are begun —
What confusion, but hear! I'll bet you, sir. Done ! done J
Ten thousand strange rumours resound far and near,
Lords, hawkers, and jockeys, assail the tir'd ear:
While, with neck like a raiabow, erecting his crest,"
Pamper'd, prancing, and pleasM, his head touching his breast,
Scarcely snuffing the air, he's so proud and elate,
The High-mettled RACER first starts for the plate !

Look out, my worthy Pilgrims — now they are off. What a de-
lightful sight to a lover of race-horses — a handkerchief might
cover the whole of them. How charmingly Juno moves her
legs — she's a picture of a horse ; — there is nothing half like her
on the Course for beauty, blood, bone, and action. My eyes,
how finely they get over the ground. The mare wins the cup
for a thousand ! Done ! Once more if you like it ! Done !
I'll do it again, sir ! You do, to the end of the chapter. Juno's
not the favorite. I don't care for that — she's my favorite ; and
that's quite enough for me to lay upon her. Bar Spindls,

168 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Shanks, and Harlequin, and I'll take Juno against the field !
There's racing- for you — did you ever see such whipping and
slashing ? Beautiful jockeyship ! — Neck and neck ! What
good ones ! It must be a dead heat ! No, no — nothing like it !
Huzza ! Juno's got the lead ! — She keeps it ! — What a plunge !
— Go along, my lovely Juno ! — She passes the winning cup ! —
That's the time of day ! Huzza! huzza ! huzza ! "

After the excitement had in some degree abated, in^which
the Pilgrims appeared delighted beyond measure, and expressed
the pleasure they had felt in witnessing the race, to Turf ;
" I should prove a very had one to make a bet upon such
hasty terminations ; great knowledge must be required respect
ing the speed and various qualities of the different horses engag-
ed in the contest/' observed Makemoney.

"You are perfectly right, sir/' replied Turf; "judgment,
tact, nerve, and courage, are required to win upon several occa-
sions. Let me ask you, gentlemen Pilgrims, can there be a
finer sight than to view a race well contested ? You have an
opportunity of beholding the beauty of the animals, their high
state of breeding, fine action, and the spirit with which the
horses enter into the scene, and who appear to possess as much
anxiety to pass their competitors as the interested and
clever jockies upon their backs. The view from one end of
the course to the other, is one of the finest pictures of anxiety,
impressed upon the countenances of all present, that can be
witnessed, respecting* the results of the race — eagerly look-
ing out for the winning horse. It is sharp work, while it lasts,
both for the men and cattle ; and in the short space of a few
fleeting minutes, thousands of pounds change masters !"

" It is this view of horse racing that alarms me/' said Make-
money, " and reduces the pleasure of the thing to my economic
ideas ; yet, I am noniggard, and to be merry and wise, is my
motto."

"But it is only the indiscreet, desperate, imd foolish men, who
risque their ALL upon a race ; such things have occurred I re-
gret to say," replied Turf ; " yet they seldom happen ; and when
men, who possess the slightest common sense, cannot commit
any thing like such mad-brained errors — faults, I ought to have
called them. Too true, we have seen the pistol and razor put a
violent end to the career of such thoughtless characters ; yet, it
is equally well-known that speculations of a widely different
nature, have produced on the minds of some men similar horrid
results ! However, I should not wish to appear too harsh on
the subject ; yet, such men can only be classed with madmen
and cowards."

" You hi3ve properly classed such characters under the deno-
mination of madmen and fools !" said Makemoney, " to be re-
duced from a state of affluence to beggary, owing to the stride
of a horse !"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 169

** But mark the difference, my dear Peter, your career and
rise in life has been of so reversed a character, I speak it with-
out offence ! You, my friend Makemoney, have been taught
from experience, the value of a single farthing., half-pence,
shillings, and pounds ! You have placed the various coins upon
the top of each other until they multiplied into a large sum ;
and thus, step by step, ultimately produced a fortune !

66 But, on the contrary, the gentleman you heard offer to
bet six hundred to four hundred pounds, was never taught
practically the value of money. He has never been called upon,
under any circumstances whatever, to earn a single shilling to-
wards his subsistence, or to furnish himself with clothes, pay his
rent, &c. He was born a gentleman, a fortune ready 'cut and dried
to his hands, and solely indebted to his ancestors for every far-
thing that he possessed in the world ; and according to the
vulgar proverb — ' He was born with a silver spoon in his
mouth !' Therefore, whatever sums, large or small, he offers to
bet, does not alarm his feelings in the slightest degree ; he only
thinks of winning, and relies upon his income to bring him
through upon every event ! Such are the different habits of
mankind ; and while you, Peter, very properly, look upon the
immense risque of losing six hundred pounds, well knowing
the great difficulty of realizing such a sum of money by your
exertions in trade, the sporting gentleman views it as a mere
bagatelle — even when called upon to pay his losings."

" I must admit," replied Makemoney, " you have placed the
matter, in doubt to me, in a more clear light ; and it certainly
does account for the vast sums of money that are lost upon
race horses, and other species of gambling, with so much
indifference of feeling. However, such sort of conduct, after
all, remains to me a perfect enigma/'

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! you do not understand the matter," said
Turf, "it might turn out, the gentleman alluded to, who
offered six hundred to four hundred pounds, did not risque
that particular sum as a dead loss, supposing the event to come
off against him, he having laid the above sum merely to suit his
book. And much, my dear friend, as you have been acquainted
with books in general, the book in question is an ODD volume
that you have no touch of. Although, to those persons who are
familiar with such transactions, it is as clear that two and two
make four ; and perfectly, according to the system of Cocker."

" Neither do I wish to be instructed in such a book ; for rest
assured, ignorance in such matters is perfect bliss ! Where
hundreds of pounds are disposed of, as a matter of course ; and
hand fulls of bank notes paid over to each other, with as much
indifference as the most trifling milk-score," observed Make-
money. " No, I again repeat, that ignorance is bliss ; and I
should set myself down as the greatest fool in existence, if I so
far forgot myself as to risque my property in such a manner ; /

2 A

170 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

really think I should not be able to sleep for a month afterwards
— if one thousand pounds of mine depended upon the stride of
a horse.

" It is true, that I have read of a certain dashing courtezan,*
to shew one of her admirers the contempt she set upon the
value of money ; a naval officer of high rank, made her a pre-
sent of a hundred pound note, after a very short acquaintance
with her person. She called the waiter, and ordered two thin
slices of bread and butter, when she placed the one hundred
pound note between them, aud to the surprise of the officer,
swallowed them with a cup of tea ; observing- at the same time,
with a sneer — ' Thus should all misers be treated, who put no
value upon the charms of the female sex!'"

"I have no doubt but you speak the truth," replied Turf,
ec according to your feeling's ; but as many men have many minds,
and as betting, in any shape, is a mere matter of taste, we
will drop the subject, and look out for something- more in unison
with your ideas. But laying- of wag-ers is the very life and soul
of some men ; and if they are not personally interested in the
money transactions on a race, or upon any other contest, they
view it with the most perfect indifference. The minds of some
men must be continually excited, as well as the body, to bring
them into action ; and there are to be found, in all sorts of
society, individuals, who can talk of nothing- else but sporting-
events. Others ag-ain, on the opera, musical parties, &c. The
drama, and the play-house is the very idol of some folks ! The
conversation and love of books, by others, often prove a great
annoyance to some companies ; there fore, my friend Makemoney,
it is hig-hly necessary, as the world is constituted, that we should
not think alike."

"Excellent advice," replied Flourish, " and we humble
Pilgrims, as to the ways of the world, are little better than non-
entities, in your presence ; we must look up to you, sir, as our
oracle, fing-er-post, Mentor, guide, indeed, every thing-, in our
present situation ; and as we are out upon a tour of observation,
men and manners being our decided objects in view, we are
highly indebted to your observations !"

" I hope I am not too troublesome, nor inquisitive," said
Sprightly to Turf; " by asking if you at all know that gentle-
man on the box of the splendid barouche, on the other side of
the Course ; there is something about his appearance, that be-
speaks him a public character, if not, a man who paid more than
ordinary attention to his toilette ? It might be said of him, that
he had just stepped out of a band-box ; there is so much nicety
about his person!"

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! You might have been farther off the bull's
eye ; but I only know him, from report," replied Turf, " as

* The celebrated KITTY FISHER, of infamous memory.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 171

being- one of the fools of fortune ! He is an outside man — all
show, and designated in the fashionable world — ' The man with-
out a head !" He came out with a princely fortune — a large
sack full of gold ; but as it is said| that charity covers a multi-
tude of sins, it might as well be observed, that riches are an ex-
cuse for the committal of a great many foibles ! At all events,
he has not been a selfish character ! and scorned to keep so
large a stock of money to himself, but distributed it in all man-
ner of shapes, for the good of the community ; yet he comes
under the denomination of a, fool, for his liberality ; for a time,
he was a good victim ; but necessity ultimately gave him an-
other kind of insight into the views of mankind, when he was
compelled to adopt a military phrase — to halt!

" During' his career, he paid attention to the daughter of a
person of very high rank in the country, and offered her his hand
and fortune ; but she rejected the proposal with the utmost dis-
dain, observing- to her parent, who rather urged the match as an
advantag-eous one — ' If I marry the man who has proposed for
me, I must worship his riches, his person only will be for me to
look upon ; for he has not got a head upon his shoulders !' This
remark was more severe than just — the lady was haughty,
proud, and aristocratic ; and would not ally herself to any per-
son— but one who boasted of a long line of ancestry. However,
he possesses the manners of a gentleman — polite, good-natured,
and affable ; and although he might never be selected to fill the
situation of one of our judges, he is not without Robin]Roughhead's
qualification to make his way through the world, who observed
— ' If he had not got it in his head, he had it in his pockets !' and
that is a general passport in all countries !"

The races were now over, and the company fast quitting the
Course ; when Turf observed, " We will now make the best of
our way to my cottage."

The 'Pilgrims most cheerfully acquiesced with Turf's propo-
sition ; but, previous to their quitting the race-ground, Sprightly
and his uncle kept a sharp look out to have another peep at the
female with the fine bust ; and Flourish was equally on the
alert to ascertain if the Duchess and her two daughters were
present. Nothing like either of the ladies were to be seen,
and the pursuit was given up for the charms of a good dinner.
The Pilgrims were wafted across the Thames in the ferry-boat,
and the cottage of Turf soon presented itself to their notice.

The exterior of this had but little to attract the attention
of the spectator, except neatness ; indeed, any thing like a
style of architecture was entirely out of the question : yet it
was a comfortable, convenient looking erection — wind and wea-
ther proof — and well known as the seat of friendship and
hospitality.

But the interior of it was a perfect treat to the visitor —
every thing to be seen was consistently in keeping with the

172 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

name of a cottage ; and this view of the thing was the highest
ambition of Charles Turf. It was, according to his own cha-
racter of the building, erected under the idea of being a con-
tented happy spot for himself, and to prove in reality of the
same description to all his acquaintances and friends.

The dinner he gave to the Pilgrims did not display any thing
like extravagance nor ostentation ; but, nevertheless, the good
things of this life were found in abundance upon the table.

After the removal of the cloth, and the wine began freely to
circulate amongst them, Makemoney called upon Turf to give
them a toast ; when the latter filled up a bumper, and said, —
" A contented mind, a hundred to one, against any other con-
sideration in life."

" Bravo ! " exclaimed Flourish; "you appear to me one of
the happiest mortals I ever met with in society, and I should be
highly gratified, as you sporting gentlemen say, to take a leaf
out of your book, by way of instruction."

" And so should I," echoed Sprightly ; " practice against
theory for my money/'

" And, ancient as I am/' said Makemoney, <e it has always
been my decided opinion that a man is never too old to learn ;
therefore, my worthy friend Turf, just give us an outline of
your notions of life."

" With all my heart," replied Turf, " if it will afford you Pil-
grims the slightest gratification whatever. I have my dog and my
gun, whenever I feel inclined for a turn amongst the feathered
tribe : I have also three or four horses, which answer all the pur-
poses I require ; and my cabriolet — I prefer to any sort of carriage ;
for pride and ostentation do not belong to my notions of life.

66 My house is my castle ; but, nevertheless, I retire to rest
without using a single bolt — I ought to have said the COTTAGE
of CONTENT — my peaceful retreat and abode — where Charles
Turf may always be found happier than a King, because all his
wants are gratified, and every desire is within his reach — I envy
no one.

" I am, at times, an angler ; although not so decided a fisher-
man as Izaak Walton. My greyhounds, I flatter myself, are
equal to any ever seen in the kingdom ; and a day's coursing not
only affords me great pleasure, but tends to invigorate my con-
stitution.

" My fortune is not great, but, nevertheless, it is ample ; and
I am perfectly satisfied with my income, which not only makes
me truly happy and comfortable, but it enables me to make
persons understand that I can feel and assist the wants of
others. I am as free in mind as the air I breathe ! I am
subject to no control ; and I go here, there, and every where I
please. I have nothing to complain of — trifles I never suffer to
annoy me for an instant ; and I trust I possess enough common
sense not to create imaginary evils !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 173

" Although I do not pretend, nor neither am I a politician, yet
1 am not insensible to the welfare of my country. I am extremely
fond of perusing- the contents of a newspaper, just to see how
matters are going* on in the world, and also to prevent appearing
ignorant as to the movements of society. My library is not ex-
tensive ; neither am I what you call a great reader ; but I should
feel I was wrong- if the works of Byron, Scott, Moore, Campbell,
Bulwer, and other men of note, were not to be found in it. I
cannot be viewed as a literary man ; therefore, on this subject I
am afraid I shall appear at fault.

" My g-arden, in its turn, claims my attention ; — flowers afford
me great pleasure, and the beauties of nature are ever grateful
to my feelings.

" It is true, I am without a wife, but a greater admirer of
matrimony does not exist ; and the only difficulty which presents
itself to me on that subject is — a proper choice ! However, I
have no doubt the time will arrive, and I don't care how soon,
that the Cottage of Content will have a mistress to take her
place at my table — for man was not born for himself!

" Yet, under all the circumstances of the case, I do not repine,
but make myself happy every where. The country I prefer, as
to selection for a residence ; but in LONDON I feel contented^
and never grumble if I am detained a day or two longer at any
time than 1 intended.

" It is my maxim not to be too systematic in my movements
through life ; then I cannot be made miserable, nor put out of
my way. Regularity of conduct is a desirable thing at all times ;
but to be too precise, in my humble opinion, often proves disa-
greeable to the man who adopts such line of conduct, as well
as troublesome to his friends ; therefore, all hours I make agree-
able to my feelings. And, if I felt inclined to act upon it, I
should, whenever it suited my inclination, ' lie down with the
lamb, and rise with the lark.'

" I am ready to admit that several years elapsed, and not with-
out a great deal of trouble, before I obtained the mastery over
myself. Perfection is not to be obtained, I am well aware ; but
it is the duty of every individual, if he can, to preserve an equa-
nimity of temper, if possible, under all circumstances of life.
And that is the direct road to happiness."

" Excellent advice, indeed," said Makemoney, " and such as I
did not anticipate from the lively man of the world, Charles
Turf — more like a philosopher ; and such maxims, if practically
adopled, must prove invaluable. Therefore, I hope, brother
Pilgrims, you have treasured up every word delivered to us by
the host of the Cottage of Content."

" I have not lost a sentence/' replied Sprightly ; " nay, more, I
shall endeavour to act up to the letter and spirit of it, upon all
occasions."

" I am delighted with the opinions of my friend Turf," said

174 THE PILGRIMS OP THE THAMES

Flourish ; " so much so, that I hope I shall never be found want-
ing- to put them into practice."

" And, with deference to our worthy host," observed Make-
money, " I do not think a better opportunity could occur for
the recital of the memoirs of Charlotte. A promise to that
effect has been made."

" And it shall be kept," replied Turf ; " I will endeavour to
remember her adventures, and also to relate them with truth and
fidelity. Yet, 1 am almost afraid that you will be inclined to
think there is more an air of romance attached to her cha-
racter than reality : but, nevertheless, I pledge myself for the
truth of them. However, before I proceed, let me have dis-
tinctly all your opinions as to her looks, and that, had you have
seen her each alone, without my exciting- your attention towards
her history, you mig-ht not have thought it ' stale, flat, and un-
profitable/ "

" Nothing-, sir, rest assured, without flattery/' said Flourish,
" can be unprofitable from your remarks ; but I think that gra-
vity, united with experience, and the hey-day of blood being
over, my much-respected friend Makemoney should be the first to
his opinion. At all events, we shall obtain solidity of judg-
ment."

" That is my opinion also/' answered Sprightly.

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! and mine too," urged Turf. " He has had, in
the way of business, plenty to do with fine women, and great
beauties in the print line, upon whom he might gaze, gaze, and
gaze again, without any thing like unpleasant excitement. We
shall now perceive what reality may have upon the feelings of
Makemoney, when he looks upon the dashing beautiful heroine,
displaying all her charms of attraction upon a race course !"

" Then I am to be laughed at in spite of myself," replied
Peter ; "to be quizzed outright, as a piece of ice — exhibited as
cold as snow — and showed up as insensible to the charms of
beauty, and a fine woman, as the slippered pantaloon — sans
eyes, sans taste, sans every thing ! But I think, with defer-
ence to my friend Turf, that he has began at the wrong end of
the story — my opinion ought not to have the weight of a fea-
ther in the scale, where loveliness is the theme of discourse.
But Flourish, a professed adept in matters of gallantry, ought
not merely to give an opinion, dry as a lawyer in consultation
over a brief of birthright ; but like an enthusiast on matters of
love, which he professes to be, by a rhetorical flourish embracing
the analysis of beauty so finely depicted by Hogarth ; and not to
have placed the weight upon the shoulders of a man in the down-
hill of life !"

" My dear Makemoney," replied Turf, " you have read a
great number of books, I am aware; and published the memoirs
of several extraordinary characters, both male and female ! But
the story, I am about to relate to you and your brother Pilgrims,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 175

is decidedly a collection of facts, and which came immediately
under my own observation. I am also intimately acquainted
with the whole of the parties connected with it : and if I am not
able to embellish it with fine metaphors, and apposite quotations,
like some of our celebrated writers and novelists — I am sure you
will take the will for the deed, and if I make any slip or defi-
ciency of language, or the introduction of a cant phrase or two,
now and then, I feel satisfied you will excuse it."

" Excuse, Charles Turf," replied Makemoney, " you surely
are joking with us ! Tell the story in any manner you please ;
and I am sure we shall all be delighted with the memoirs, when
they are connected with REAL LIFE ; and also, that we are cer-
tain that the relater of them is telling the truth ! .

" Then, as no opinions are to be had from you, jolly Pilgrims,
respecting this ( rare work of nature/ I have only to say, be-
ware of the handsome female with the fine bust," urged Turf.
" Be on your guard, in case she should ever cross your path.
She has positively ruined three, if not four men, and turned the
heads of several others ; besides victimizing more thoughtless
fellows than I can bring to memory. Indeed, well might
Shakespeare exclaim, ' Frailty, thy name is woman!' I again
repeat, beware — her smiles are a kind of enchantment — her nod
bewitching — her eyes — enough ! "

" I have often been astonished how men can be such fools, led
like children by strings, and become the dupes of women, who
have nothing else to recommend them than a beautiful face/'
said Flourish ; " men may be liberal ; nay, more than generous
to a pretty woman ; but to suffer themselves to be reduced to
beggary and want, are not deserving of any thing like pity."

" Do not be too fast/' replied Turf ; " you are young, and
perhaps inexperienced ; but, in the course of my life, I have
known some of the deepest men, who have been in every other
transaction of their lives positively misers ; yet, when women
have been the source of attraction, and men, who have been
fast descending into the vale of years "

" Stop, stop, my dear Turf ; have the kindness to leave old
men out of the question," observed Makemoney, (( or you will
frighten me out of my wits. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Old men in love,
I know, are the greatest fools in existence. But proceed."

" All men, either young or old, in my opinion, are all fools in
a greater or less degree, in matters of love. But to my narrative;
and, as it is not the very witching time of night," replied Turf,
" there is no necessity for you jolly Pilgrims to be alarmed."

" Not in the least/' said Sprightly ; " but, on the contrary,
we are quite on the qui vive to hear your story."

" Well, then, without further preface," answered Turf, " here
begins: — This splendid piece of work — one of the freaksof ^-na-

ture — Miss Charlotte Par no matter, the name is not essential

to the fact — was first discovered in the streets of London as a

176 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

match-girl, near St. Paul's Cathedral. Neither is her birth, pa-
rentage, or education, necessary at all to make out my tale ! —
Miss Par being- herself, alone. Her appearance was ex-
tremely ragged, with habiliments scarcely enough to cover her
person ;• without stockings or shoes — her face almost as black as
a sweep, and her legs and feet were covered with mud and
dirt.

" Her voice, however, was truly musical — nay, harmony itself
— and her cry of matches, or rather a sort of chant, was highly
attractive, as she walked through the streets with her basket
under her arm : —

Come, buy my good matches — come, buy 'em of me —
They are the best matches you ever did see !
I cry my good matches at fam'd Charing Cross,
Where sits a black man upon a black horse.
I cry my good matches all thro' the street.!
Where many good people I often do meet !

The match-girl was born in misery, and reared in beggary ; and
the few halfpence she collected in the character of a * female
timber-merchant/ as her companions in poverty designated her,
were barely sufficient to procure for her half a bellyful of food :
in fact, almost starvation stared her in the face. She had no
friends nor relatives to apply to for help or succour. Her father
she had no knowledge of, and her mother died when she was
quite a baby ; yet the friendless match-girl was never heard to
grumble at her fate, and went out into the streets, either wet or
dry, to seek her scanty pittance early every morning.

" At length, in one of her daily peregrinations near the Bank
of England, her beautiful face and fine person suddenly attracted
the attention of a middle-aged wealthy banker (whose intrigues
and amours would fill a volume) — with, ' Will you please to
buy any matches, sir ? Do, sir, buy a ha'porth of a poor girl ! '
The amorous banker was almost rivetted to the spot with sur-
prise—he was quite struck with the match-girl, although under
such disparaging circumstances ; but when she pressed her suit,
he appeared confused, and hesitated for a reply. 'No, no, I do
not want any matches/ But appearing to recollect himself, he
said, in almost a whisper to her ear, ' If you will go of an er-
rand for me, and perform it punctually, I will give you half a
crown/

" The poverty-stricken match-girl, overjoyed at the idea of
receiving half-a-crown — so large a piece of his Majesty's coin
she had never had in her possession before to call her own — re-
plied, with an agreeable smile, ' You may depend upon me,
sir/

" ' Follow me,' said he; ' but do not say a word !' He then
retired down an obscure alley to avoid the stare of the persons
in the streets ; and also to prevent being recognized by any of
his friends or acquaintances near the Bank ; a well-dressed man

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 1/

being" seen talking" to a poor match-girl, might have excited
some suspicions riot consistent with his character. He pulled
out his pocket book, and with a blacklead pencil wrote a few
lines on a slip of paper — directed to Mrs. - — , folded up in
the shape of a letter.

" Upon his putting the note into her hand, he enquired if she
could read writing ? ' No, sir/ said she, ' I am no scholard !
I om only a poor ignorant girl, without father, or mother, and 1
have not a friend in the world !'

" 'So much the better/ replied the banker ; ' never mind, I
will send you to a good place ; and if you do but mind what the
lady bids you to do, you will not repent of it. I have given you
a recommendation to her: therefore, my girl, you have only to
obey her orders — and here is the half-crown for you !' "

" ' Thanky, kind gentleman ! God bless you, sir, for noticing
a poor girl !' answered the dealer in matches.

" ' I want no thanks/ observed the banker ; 'but make all the
haste you can with the note ; and I will call in the evening, to
see whether the lady, my friend, approves of you for her servant.
You will find her a very nice sort of woman, only obey her
commands.'

" ' That I will/ replied the girl.

" The banker then departed, and was out of sight in an
instant.

" The wretched match-girl almost cried with joy, to think
that she had met with such a charitable, kind-hearted gentle-
man, and started off with almost a run to be in time with the
note. On her arrival at the house where it was directed, not
one hundred miles from the Obelisk, in St. George's Fields, and
knocking- at the door — she was rudely assailed with a gruff' voice,
not very pleasing, or harmonious to her ear — ' Go along you
dirty bunter, how dare you disturb people when they are at
breakfast, to leave it to answer such beasts as you are ? Go
along, I tell youwe want none of your blackguard matches !
— Go along, or else '

" ' Don't be angry, ma'am/ replied the girl, < I have got a
letter for the lady of the house/

"' Got what? — Oh! a letter — aye, that alters the case. —
Where did you bring it from? — Give it me/

"'I don't know, ma'am, I'm sure/ replied the match-girl.
' A gentleman sent me with it !'

" The letter was taken in to the mistress of the house, while
the wretched girl stood trembling at the door, waiting the result.

" But to the poor girl's surprise, the mistress came running to
the door, with a smiling face, and said — ' Come in, my child : I
am glad to see you. Such a recommendation makes you heartily
welcome to me. I will make you happy and comfortable. So
come in, come in, my dear/

" After this kind salutation from the mistress of the house —

2 B

178 THE PILGRIMS OP THE THAMES

the seryant immediately altered her tone, and endeavoured to
keep pace,- if not outstrip her employer in kindness — ' La ! my
girl, I am werry sorry I kept you so long- at the door in the cold,
and spoke so roughly to you. But we are assailed by so many
wretches continually, that I am tired of giving- answers to them ;
if I had have known you had been so well recommended to my
mistress — I would not, for the vorld, have behaved so queer to
you ! But you must excuse it — and now I knows as how you
belongs to sumbody, I'll make it up to you in civility, that's wot
I will/
<( The contents of the note ran thus : —

" My Dear Mrs. Feelnot,

" Obey my orders instantly ! Spare no expence

respecting the bearer of this note: she suits my taste ! I found her by accident
in the streets, not half-an-hour since — I never saw her before — but no matter.
Make a bonfire of her wretched garments, and attire her in every thing new, in
that sort of dress which accords with my fancy. New, I say, from head to foot!
Ablution will be highly necessary; for she appears, to me, to have been sadly
neglected ; and it is my intentions to better her prospects in society. I will be
with you about nine o'clock this evening, when, I have no doubt, the transfor-
mation will be effective; and the hitherto wretched, beggarly match-girl, have
something like the appearance of a well dressed female ! Do not tell her, at pre-
sent, my name, or situation in life. — In great haste,

" Your's, &c.,

" HENRY IMPULSE.'*

44 P S. You will also provide a nice little supper ; and let the Champagne be
of the finest quality. You know 1 am particular in the wines I drink.

" ' What is your name, my dear girl ? ' asked the mistress of
the house ; ' that is, your Christian name will be quite sufficient
at present ; and, although we are quite strangers to each other,
we shall soon be on more intimate terms, I'll warrant ye — so
make yourself cheerful and happy in every respect. It was a
lucky moment for you when you met with my friend, and whom
you may now call your friend/ .

" ' CHARLOTTE PAR / replied the girl.

" ' Quite enough ! quite enough ! ' answered Mrs. Feelnot ;
< but the sooner you get rid of those dirty, wretched, filthy,
stinking, disagreeable, nay, disgusting rags, the better. They
are odious in my eyes. I hate the sight of decent poverty, much
more the extreme extent of it. But those days are over with
you now, my dear girl ; if you but mind what I say to you, and
follow the instructions I will give you for your future conduct in
life, you may become a rich and bright woman yet/

" The poor match-girl, although tolerably well versed in
matters of low life, and who had so often endured the rude
elements in the streets with scarcely a rag to cover her person,
often wet through to the skin, and who had no place to dry her
clothes, except during the time they were upon her back, as she
strolled through the courts and alleys ; meeting with little else
but rebuffs from one passenger to another, when she solicited

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 179

any person to buy her matches — was all amazement at this ma-
gical-\ike turn in her affairs, and the kind reception she had met
with from Mrs. Feelnot. She had not the slightest idea of the
real cause of it — that she was to become the victim of lust and
depravity ; and her youth and beauty it were that had attracted
the rich banker. The prospect likewise of gain — base, sordid
lucre — in the mind of the mistress of this house of iniquity, was
the sole cause of her soothing-, insinuating1 manner, to prepare
the way for the downfall and ruin of one of her own sex !

" ' Come, my dear Charlotte/ said she, * we must see if we
cannot, by the aid of a little scented soap and warm water, make
that pretty-looking- face of yours in the dirt even more hand-
some, when it is rendered nice and clean ! And remember, my
dear g-irl, that cleanliness and attention to your person should be
one of the very first considerations to a female on her outset in
the world/

" ' Most certainly, ma'am/ replied Charlotte, ' I shall mind
what you say, and endeavour to improve myself under your
directions/

" ' Well said, my g-irl/ replied Mrs. Feelnot, ' I am not afraid
but you will soon become an apt scholar — I like your readiness.
Now I look at you, Charlotte, your hair is terribly out of order ;
but I will soon have it rectified by my hair-dresser, who is a
clever fellow — nay, one of the first chaps in the metropolis, for
having- the art to set off a pretty face to the greatest advantag-e.

" ' Here, Betty, run immediately to Jem Nicecut, and tell
him I shall want him, in the course of an hour or two, to put a
young- lady's head in order, and to be particular to his time/
Betty was off like a shot ; a nod or a wink was quite sufficient :
she was a complete adept in all the arts and manoeuvres of her
mistress, in the way of infamy, added to a knowledg-e of the
worst part of society, particularly where unfortunate females
were the objects in view.

" On Betty's return from the hero of the curling- irons, her
mistress told her ( to make up a g-ood fire, for I am determined
those horrid rag-s belonging to this neglected, dear girl, shall be
consumed to ashes in a few minutes, and no traces whatever of
them remain, either to annoy the feelings of Miss Charlotte, or
to appear odious in my sight. Is the warm water quite ready, as
we are in want of it immediately ? '

" The bath, ma'am, only waits for the use of Miss Charlotte/
replied the wary servant ; ' and you will find every thing quite
ready and convenient for your purpose/

" ' Come, my dear girl/ said Mrs. Feelnot, ' we have no time
to lose ; and you will soon find yourself quite another person/

" The poor match-girl was like a person in a trance ; she
could scarcely believe her own ears, or give credence to her
eyes. Such kindness, great attention, and preparation, in the
course of two or three fleeting hours ! Her naked feet, from

180 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

pacing- through the cold wet streets, now enjoying the warmth
and luxury of a splendid Turkey carpet — magnificent mirrors —
rich curtains — sofas — with every thing to correspond respecting
the household furniture ! Sinbad the Sailor, in the Valley of
Diamonds, could not have been more surprised than the poor
match-girl at such a rapid change in her circumstances!

" ' Now, my dear Charlotte/ said Mrs. Feelnot, placing her
person before a very large looking-glass, where she could see
herself from head to foot, with a most agreeable smile upon her
countenance, i Take a peep for the last time at the poor, wan-
dering, neglected, poverty-stricken MATCH-GIRL, who has
endured the buffets and scorn of the world. Look again at
yourself, and bear well in your mind what you NOW are in the
eyes of society! It is worth your consideration.

" ' But in the course of the day you shall have another peep
at your altered appearance, when you will behold in the same
mirror the handsome, beautiful Charlotte ! the elegant dressed
lady ! the envy of the women, and the admiration of the men.
So now, my girl, we will proceed to the toilette, and practically
experience the wonders it can perform !'

" To portray the feelings of the Match Girl, — or to describe
the suf prize she underwent from the artful mode of proceeding
adopted by Mrs. Feelnot, would be quite impossible. A wretched,
beggarly, outcast Match Girl in the early part of the day sup-
plicating the passenger to buy a halfpenny worth of matches to
procure her a bit of bread ; and before the evening — in the
course of a few fleeting hours — to be viewed partaking of an ex-
cellent supper — surrounded by all the luxuries of life — compli-
mented on her beauty and shape by a man of taste — drinking
champagne and other costly wines before the night expired — was
quite enough, nay, far more than enough, to turn more experi-
enced heads than that of a poor match girl — without a friend in
the world ! But such strange events occur daily in the Metro-
polis— behind the curtain of real life !

" Charlotte underwent the ablutions of the warm bath ; and
the scientific Nice-cut, the hair-dresser, practised his art with all
the talents in his power, to give her head and face an appearance
it had never possessed before. Her ragged clothes had been
committed to the flames ; her legs decorated with rich silk
stockings, and her feet fitted with the handsomest kid shoes that
could be purchased.

" An elegant silk dress altered to her shape, in the most
prompt manner and fashionable style, to give her person and
bust the appearance of one of the finest forms that could he
imagined.

" In short, all that ART could bestow upon the person, was
resorted to by the experienced Mrs. Feelnot ; to which was
added an elegant, massy gold chain placed round her neck ; and
some splendid gold rings put on her fingers, to give her hands

IN SEARCH OP THE NATIONA.L. !8l

an attractive look. Nearly the whole of the day had been con-
sumed in trying1 on and altering- clothes under the direction of a
first-rate dress-maker, to render the metamorphose complete, in
every point of view.

" Indeed, so immense a change had been effected in such a
short period, that much as Mrs. Feelnot had accomplished in for-
mer instances, she felt proud, and congratulated herself on the
celerity and good taste she had displayed in thus transforming- a
rude, uncultivated, dirty, ragg-ed match-girl, into the appear-
ance of a fine lady, and a person for beauty of character that no
one could look upon her without admiration.

" Every thing being- settled to the satisfaction of Mrs.
Feelnot, and the transformation realized, she felt determined to
see what effect the mirror once more would have upon the
senses of the poor girl !

" ( Now, my dear Charlotte — Miss Charlotte, I should have
said — you shall take a peep in the mirror, and give me your opi-
nion on yourself. You will find the change very great in your
person ; but do not be alarmed — as it is an appearance you will
ever afterwards assume in life$ nay, much better, when you
have done growing-, and you become more set as to your figure/

" The match-girl made no reply, but, on viewing- herself in
the glass, she appeared to be lost in astonishment, and nearly
fainted ; her sensations of surprise and joy were so overwhelm-
ing that she did not recover herself for some minutes. ' Surely
1 am bewitched/ Then bursting out into a fit of laug-hter, af-
terwards the tears running- down her cheeks — ' I cannot be Char-
lotte ! ' — when Mrs. Feelnot caught hold of her arm, and said,
in an exulting manner, ' You are Miss Charlotte ! But where's
the poor, ragged match-girl, now, my dear? Gone for ever ! It
is only Miss Charlotte remains with me in her stead. Come, we
will quit this apartment for the present, for fear you might be
inclined to fall in love with yourself, and become vain.'

" ' I don't know, ma'am/ replied Charlotte, * how I shall ever
make you amends for the trouble you have had with me. I am
but a poor ignorant girl, yet I am willing- to learn/

(( ' Well, then, only mind what I say, and do as I bid you ;
and then you will, my dear Charlotte, be sure to make your way
in life. I only want you to be tractable ! But, I am sorry to
say, I have done a great deal for several girls in my life-time,
but they have nearly all of them proved very ungrateful to me
for it. However, I have a better opinion of you, Miss Charlotte
— there is something- like honesty about your pretty face, that I
flatter myself my confidence is not likely to be misplaced/

" From this sort of insinuating dialogue, and particular atten-
tion paid to her by Mrs. Feelnot, with the addition of * My dear
Charlotte ! ' added to almost every sentence that she addressed
to her, it cannot be a matter of surprise that the poor match-girl
ultimately became an easy prey to the arts of such an experienced

182 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

woman in the ways of infamy, who was too well acquainted
with the weak side of the sex not to turn it to her own advan-
tage. Flattery was one of her grand attacks to her victims in
general ; but, in the present instance, Charlotte was beauty her-
self : she possessed it in a very eminent degree ; and if her in-
tellect had kept pace with it, the connoisseurs of fine intelligent
women might have travelled a long distance before they had
met with such a person as the match-girl."

" Allow me to interrupt your narrative for only a single mo-
ment/' said Makemoney ; " but I must give vent to my feelings
of indignation. I would have* such a woman as Mrs. Feelnot
burnt ! if I had the power of putting such a sentence into practice.
Is it not infamous to think that any woman, for the sake of a
few filthy pounds, would undertake to destroy the innocence,
corrupt the mind, and render a young female odious in the eyes
of society for the remainder of her life. Such wretches ought
not to be called women — females they cannot be : they are no-
thing" else but monsters in human shape/'

" It is impossible to differ in opinion respecting such an infa-
mous character," observed Flourish, " but . let me beg of you
not to delay the narrative ; therefore, pray, Mr. Turf, proceed."

" ( Come, my dear Charlotte/ said the mistress of the house,
' we will now drink a health in sparkling champagne to your
friend and mine ; for it is to him that you are indebted for all the
fine clothes which you now have upon your back. You will find
him a very generous man. He is very rich ; and, as to money,
he has got a cart-load of it.'

te ' Sham, wot d'ye call it/ asked Charlotte ; ' I never heard
of it before. I don't know not what you mean, ma'am/

" ' Why/ replied the mistress, ' I dare say you do not ; but
it is wine of the richest quality, and only drank by people of
the first consequence in life. But whatever I tell you, Char-
lotte, endeavour to keep it in your memory, and become as sen-
sible as you can. Gentlemen do not like ignorant women for
their companions/

" ( I shall do my best to please you, ma'am/ answered Char-
lotte, who scarcely knew whether she stood upon her head or her
heels ; in fact, she was almost light-headed : the change of
clothes and scene she had undergone in the last few hours were
too much for her senses.

"The clock had scarcely struck nine when the wealthy
banker appeared, true to his appointment. Impatient to behold
the metamorphose wrought in the match-girl, his first question
to the mistress of the house was, — if she had received a note he
had sent to her by a poor girl that morning ? '

" ' Yes, sir/ she replied, ' and all your directions have been
complied with to the utmost extent ; and, if you will go into the
drawing-room, you will be able to judge for yourself/

" He immediately repaired to the room, when he saw the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 183

match-girl sitting- upon a sofa ; but he was so dazzled with her
appearance, that he hastily shut the door, thinking* he had made
some mistake, and certainly gone into a wrong- room, He re-
turned to Mrs. Feelnot for an explanation ; when she assured
him, the female he saw was no other person but the once-rag-g-ed
match-girl he had sent to her that morning-/

" Impossible ! ' he cried. ' True, I know your tact and in-
dustry to perform strange things ; but you certainly are now
trying to impose upon me to the best advantage. If not, where
are the ragged clothes she had upon her back this morning when
I first saw her ? Convince me, by some means or another. Here
are no traces left of the poor girl I sent to you.'

' The rags — they were nothing better than rags upon her,
which I immediately committed to the fire. But, you may rely
upon it, no trick has been put upon you, sir/ urged the mistress
of the house, who soon satisfied him of his error.

" The match-girl, who had attracted his attention in her
ragged habiliments — beauty in tatters ! But now, when he saw
beauty decked out in all the splendour of fashionable array —
diamond-like eyes, rendered more sparkling and brilliant by the
aid of embellishment and art ! — when he saw cheeks, divested
of dirt, changed to the ruddy glow of health, with the colour
of the rose — a Grecian nose, of the handsomest form — teeth that
no dentist could, with all his skill, have rendered whiter — and
a form, altogether, that might have challenged competition with
the finest woman in the kingdom — he could not believe his own
eyes, that so beautiful a creature had been obscured under
such a bundle of rags !

" Without loss of time, he hired a splendid establishment for
her in the country, a few miles from London; where they lived
together, as man and wife, for some time before any doubts were
thrown upon the matter.

" It is true, he selected her from the streets, for the worst pur-
poses ; but he became so strongly attached to her afterwards,
that he was determined at all events, to make her his companion
for life. He was a rich, bold, and determined man, who did
not care a pin for the opinions of the world. He, therefore,
had her taught to ride by one of the first equestrians of the
day ; and also to dance, by one of the most able profes-
sors at the Italian opera. She was likewise instructed to read
and speak by a celebrated elocutionist. French, as a matter of
course ; in short, he spared no expence to employ masters* of
every description, to improve her person and mind, to which he

* If the scholar should prove an apt one, it is astonishing what may be ac-
quired by perseverance and tuition : it is a well-authenticated fact, that the late
Countess of Exeter, who was the daughter of an obscure country farmer, in the
course of twelve months became a most accomplished woman. The Countess not
only reflected great credit on the good taste of the Earl in selecting a female of
superior mind for his wife, but also on her exalted situation in life !

184 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

added his own indefatigable exertions ; and it is but justice to
aver, that if Charlotte did not excel in all the lessons she receiv-
ed from her various tutors, she, nevertheless, imbibed a sufficient
portion of them, to render herself a sensible and agreeable part-
ner to her most liberal protector. She, most undoubtedly,
would have preferred the character of wife, if she could have
prevailed upon her admirer to have given her that title to emi-
nence in society ; besides securing* to herself something- like
property in case of the death of the wealthy banker ! Yet,
Charlotte was l his darling,' as he pronounced her ; and be-
sides calling- her his ' TOT ! ' But matrimony was out of the
question: however, they lived tog-ether, for several years, in the
most perfect harmony, under the designation of the old man and
his beautiful mistress. Her conduct was not demure, nor hypo-
critical, but bold, lively, and interesting-; in truth, there
was nothing- like pretence about her behaviour, and -the banker
never evinced the least sig-ns of jealousy.

"If Charlotte did not show great love towards her protector,
she was not deficient in gratitude ; and it had never escaped her
memory that the banker had been the cause of removing- her
from the depths of misery and deprivation, to the comforts of a
splendid living-, and, likewise, g-iving- her an education, which
she otherwise would never have obtained under any other cir-
cumstances ; therefore, she did not quarrel with her situation in
life — being* the mistress of the rich banker, Mr. Impulse. She
had received many gross insults, and offers, on account of her
beauty, from men of rank, during her connection with Impulse ;
but she kept them to herself, to prevent a duel on her account
— so much regard had she for the life of her protector.

" The banker belonged to that class of persons in society,
who come under the denomination of ' not marrying men !'
Therefore, any thing like restraint upon his inclination was
torture to him ; and hitherto he had been one of the most incon-
stant mortals to the sex in general ; and they had been to him
nothing more than the mere ' playthings of an hour/ * But the
match-girl in her dirty attire, had not only attracted the banker
at first sight, in a most extraordinary degree, and after he had
had her instructed according to his wishes — nay, moulded her to
his way of life and manners, no husband in the world could have
paid her more attention than he did, or been more fond of a wife.
Yet marriage was entirely out of the question.

" The banker was liberal, even to profusion, in supplying her
with money ; and his fascinating Charlotte could not be habit-
ed too splendidly for his taste ; and no lady in the land dressed
better, or wore clothes of a more costly description, than
the late match-girl. In this particular point of view, it might
be said, that she possessed an intuitive knowledge ; and
never let any opportunity pass, that offered itself respecting the
newest fashions, without applying it to herself, and with increas-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 185

ed advantage to her personal appearance. But the daazling
scene had had its day ; and her anticipated future bright pros-
pects were clouded for a short period by an unexpected event —
the death of the wealthy banker, owing* to an apoplectic fit.
Her grief was not an outrageous display of sorrow, but, never-
theless, it was sincere ; and it was felt by her in private se-
verely, although not recognized in that manner by the public.

" Her immediate loss was immense — the supplies were at an
end ; and the relations of the rich banker would have deprived
her of every thing she possessed in the world, and, if they could,
have again turned her into the streets, to have sought her live-
lihood ; but they were defeated. By the sudden demise of her
protector, she had not been remembered in his will, although
he had promised her to that effect, and no doubt had intended
to have kept his promise. But, fortunately for Charlotte, the
house she lived in he had purchased for her, in her own name of
CHARLOTTE PARTRIDGE. Likewise tHe plate, which bore her
initials — the jewels — household furniture ; in short, every thing
belonged to her upon the premises ; and, therefore, decidedly
her own property, in spite of all the lawyers in the world to
remove a single pin from the threshold.

" Therefore, her situation in life was far removed from dis-
tress ; and, in addition to which, she had contrived to lay by a
tolerably round sum of money, from the numerous liberal pre-
sents Mr. Impulse had made to her during her residence with
him. Public report had circulated in her favour that she had
been left a splendid fortune by her late protector, and she had
too much good sense to contradict it ; but rather strength-
ened such floating information, by the secresy and mystery she
always displayed on the subject.

" This had the desired effect. A beautiful young woman — a
splendid fortune — and a fine establishment — cannot excite the
least surprise to assert, brought suitors by the score — full of love,
flattery, professions of friendship, and ready to lay down their
lives to promote her happiness. But, from the lessons she had
received, during the life-time of her ardent admirer, to beware
of the tricks and impositions of the world, together with her
own experience, and the recollections of her early days, when
she had to walk the streets to sell matches before she could
get her breakfast, rendered her not quite so easy a conquest as
a number of knowing men in the town had previously antici-
pated, and who were totally ignorant of Charlotte's history.

" She still continued to live in good style, after the decease
of Mr. Impulse, but far from a state of extravagance ; and in
the ' widow's weeds,' it was thought by her greatest admirers,
that she even looked more beautiful than heretofore Char-
lotte, at this period of her life, was by no means insensible of
her attractions ; nay, more, and determined to make the most

2 c

186 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

of them : therefore, it is strictly my intention to adhere to the
advice of the poets : —

Poets heap virtues, painters, gems at will,
And shew their zeal, and hide their want of skill :
'Tis well — but artists, who can paint or write,
To draw the naked is your true delight !

" During1 her residence with the banker, not the slightest
whisper was ever heard against her character ; and it is the
truth that she conducted herself with all the propriety of an
attached wife ; so much did she feel the force of gratitude.
But since that period — since she has mixed with the gay world,
without any person to check any sort of impulse which might
have appeared to have a wrong basis, her notions of propriety,
virtue, and consistency, have taken quite a different direction ;
perhaps, more owing to her acquaintance with fashionable rakes,
libertines, rich presuming fools, thoughtless and extravagant
fellows ; added to the notions of getting money, through the
bad advice of Mrs. Feelnot ; whose first instructions to Charlotte
were, to place no value upon mankind, without interested mo-
tives— completely illustrating the never-to-be-forgotten proverb,
that ' Evil communications corrupt good manners/

" It is not my wish to ' extenuate, or set down aught in ma-
lice/ respecting this beautiful creature ; but it should seem,
from her after conduct in life, that Charlotte was one of that
class of women who preferred being the mistress of some man
of title, or very rich hero, than to become the retired female in
domestic life ; and, in spite of all the intreaties and advice she
had received from her various tutors, she never could exactly
rub off the impressions of her early low origin, which accounts
for her Wing fond of fairs. Charlotte was quite in ecstacy on a
Race-course — delighted beyond expression at the Opera, Thea-
tres, or any other situation where bustle, gaiety, and fashiona-
ble movements were to be witnessed ; yet it was her most anxi-
ous wish, at all times, that she should obtain the character of a
genteel woman !

" She had an immense deal of tact in her conduct — knew
well the meaning of finesse ,- and, to entangle her lovers, she
was a perfect mistress in the art of pleasing. Charlotte sings
well, I must admit, but she dances much better. However, I
should say, that she has no touch of real affection j^in her com-
position ; but, nevertheless, she has the address — a fascinating
manner — to make all her admirers entertain a strong feeling
towards her, that she is quite a creature of attachment, and she
only exists in the presence of her lovers ! ' Thus bad begins,
but worse remains behind ! ' "

The servant, at this period, announced to the Pilgrims that
the post-chaise ordered to convey them to London had been
waiting for some time. Makemoney observed — " There is a

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 187

time for all things ; and, I regret to say, we must bid you fare-
well. But you have furnished us with so much amusement,
united with good advice — pointed out various characters on the
Course — and, lastly, the interesting- memoir of the MATCH GIRL
— that I am deficient in words to thank you, my friend Turf.
I never spent so happy a day in the whole course of my life :
but I shall not rest satisfied until I hear the conclusion — another
chapter, respecting- Charlotte Partridge. Ha ! ha ! ha ! "

" I could set up the whole of the nigiit without winking-/' said
Flourish, " to become acquainted with the whole of her history."

" And I for a month/' answered Sprightly ; " I am certain
her adventures are of no common description. Match-girls,
transformed into women of fortune, are not every day circum-
stances/'

" Depend upon it/' replied Turf, " I will comply with all
your wishes the next time we meet over a glass of wine."

The hands were shaken together in friendship all round ; —
t( Good night.! " was the last sentence, when the post-boy was
ordered to get over the ground as fast as possible ; and in quick
time the Pilgrims arrived safe, in whole skins, once more in the
City of London.

188 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER X.

The Pilgrims turn Pic-nic-ians ! — Why should not a Pic-nic
be a medium for a Pilgrimage ? Who's to be there ?
Characters of all sorts ; great and small ; learned and un-
learned— " extremes meet." The preliminaries for start-
ing adjusted — a slight mistake ! DIAMOND for DIANA,
and prospect of no dinner ; possible probability of the
provisions presence, and passionate propensity, "pro"
pungency, in a pretty petticoat Jl Steamer in hot weather
— a broiler, and no sinecure ! Makemoney overcome ;
Sprightly not flourishing ; nor Flourish sprightly ! The
females in a stew for fear of being fried. The punster
punless ; and the pedant pensive ! The children in
mischief, and JWrs. Brindle in agony ! The landing —
hurra ! here's the provender. THE DINNER — accidents
and offences — " Keep your hands from picking and steal-
ing !" THE STROLL — Fortune telling in Richmond Park
— Makemoney cajoled by a flattering black-eyed gipsey
girl. Ah ! old gentleman, we've caught you, have we ?
Ha ! ha ! ha ! What did she say — eh ? — " Such stuff as
dreams are made of." Let's have tea — agreed. Oh ! dear
— dear — / thought so, my dress is spoiled ! Never mind.,
<( children will be children." Now for home, "domus
arnica, domus aptima!" — " Rise gentle moon." A Hero
and Leander in humble life. Boat song — the lover to his
mistress : fatal termination ! " The course of true love
never did run smooth!" Well, here we are — our "jour-
ney's happy ended" — Good Night. " Bonus Nocte !"

" A FEW days since/' said Flourish to Makemoney and Spright-
ly, " I accepted an invitation to accompany a Pic Nic to Rich-
mond ; and as we have not yet made a Pilgrimage to that
renowned spot, I anticipated your assent to attend us, and
begged your admittance into the circle ; a request which was
readily granted."

" You are very good/' answered Makemoney ; " I shall feel
much pleasure in accompanying you ; there are many associa-
tions connected with Richmond, which must interest us ; and I
do not see why a Pic Nic should not be an agreeable vehicle for
our Pilgrimage."

" Who's to be there?" asked Sprightly.

" The invitation was tendered me by the daughters of Old

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 189

Brindle, the stationer/' replied Flourish; " and of several per-
sons mentioned to me by them, there were but two or three with
whom I am acquainted."

" Name ! name !" said Sprightly.

" Oh, certainly !" laughed Flourish ; " the two Miss Brindles,
with their ma, of course ; Miss Azure, Miss Young, who by the
bye is rather ancient, and two or more ladies whose names I
know not, terminate the female list ; the gentlemen consist of
Old Brindle ; Pundit, the pedant* Tom Buoyant, the inveterate
punster ; our worthy selves, and a few others : you will find the
party composed of opposites, but as ' extremes meet/ I have
little doubt but the whole affair will turn out extremely plea-
sant/'

" When is this trip to take place ?" enquired Makemoney ;
" and by what means are we to reach the place of destination ?"

" To-morrow, and by the Diana steamer ;" was the reply.

" Are we each to carry our quantum of provision in the true
style of Pic Nic V1 questioned Sprightly, " or is there to be a
caterer who will provide for all ?"

" Why/' returned Flourish, " to prevent the recurrence of a
circumstance which occurred to a recent Pic Nic party, where
every one brought lamb, and no one brought bread, Mrs. Brindle
has taken upon herself the task of furnishing provender ; and I
magine from the manner in which the old lady communicated
her intention to me, we have nothing to fear on that point."

Although Flourish knew not the names of all the persons
composing the party, we feel it our duty to make the reader
acquainted with them ; leaving it to the occurrences of the day
for an improvement of the acquaintance. First came Mrs. Brin-
dle, a good-natured fat old soul, who, in endeavouring to oblige
every body, almost failed to please any body ; and who had,
among many other little peculiarities of character, a considerable
degree of nervousness ; which was ever worrying and flurrying
her. Her extreme good-nature had induced her to have two
mischievous little scoundrels, who were the schoolfellows of her
dull-headed glutton of a son, to spend a month's vacation with
him ; and thinking the poor dear boys would be so delighted, and
receive so much benefit from this little excursion, she brought
them with her, to the annoyance of every one else, and to the
misery of herself ; her horrid nervousness keeping her in a state
of perpetual anxiety, for fear of some accident occurring to
them.

The Miss Brindles were thoughtless, giddy girls ; fond of
giggling, possessing very little sense, and much frivolity ; differ-
ing extremely from Miss Azure, who aimed at being admired for
her intellect, as much as for her beauty ; who wrote poetry in
the album of every person she knew possessing one ; was never
without a book of some awfully learned character upon her per-
son ; professed herself a great reader, and prided herself upon

190 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

the knowledge of languages, of which she talked, but in which
she never conversed ; but occasionally interlarded her speeches
with a few common-place idiomatical expressions culled from
* exercise books/ She was accompanied by her mamma, who
served as an excellent foil to her ; for Mrs. Azure's younger
days had been humbler days ; left an orphan in infancy, and in
the workhouse, she had not to boast of either tender nurture, or
mental culture ; her budding- youth having- reached riper years,
the overseers, with parental solicitude for her future welfare,
placed her in the eligible situation of scullion in a public house,
where her young- ideas were taught

" the scouring of pots,"

of culinary utensils, and how to tend the wants and wishes of
the < unwashed artificers' who honoured the tap-room with their
presence ; it was here she imbibed their manners and language ;
and as ' the cask retains the flavour of the first liquor which im-
pregnated it/ so Mrs. Azure still retained the speech of her ju-
venile days ; althoug-h the constant rub in later times against a
hig'her grade of society, had removed a portion of the rust which
had incrusted her manners. Her buxom beauty and sprightli-
ness attracted the attention of Mr. Azure, who was then light
porter in a drug-gist's warehouse ; and as he ' found favour in
her sight/ she acceded to an offer of marriage which he made
her, became ' bone of his bone, and flesh of his flesh/ and bid
adieu to ' heavy wet' and ' glistering the pewter' (as she termed
polishing the pots,) for ever ; for, by a series of circumstances
which were not uncommon in the city, he became master of the
concern in which he had entered as light porter.

Mr. and Mrs. Azure, aware of the deficiencies in their own
education, had been extravagant in that which they had
bestowed upon their daughter ; an exemplification of which, as
Theodore Hook says, ' the reader may yet live to see/

Miss Young, who had l gazed upon the world' a trifle more
than fifty years, was a lady who laboured with infinite industry
to he mistaken for a Miss who had outlived' but twenty sum-
mers, but unfortunately for her talents thus misplaced, people
were rarely so mistaken. She stated herself to be a lineal de
scendant of the renowned Dr. Young ,• all her day talk was of
his ' Night Thoughts ;' and she was for ever quoting from the
theological works of various divines, from Jeremy Taylor to
Hart well Home.

Mrs. Bodger and her daughter concluded the ladies ; Mrs.
Bodger was an early friend and associate of Mrs. Azure, and had
passed through life under similar circumstances ; she had been
a servant of all work, and was now the widow of a retired tal-
low merchant. Like Mrs. Azure, she still spoke the t language
of her youth ;' and the ' ope hof henjoying a leetle fresh hair'
had induced her ' to go a gipseyin ;' her daughter was tinctured

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 191

with a little of the blue of her bosom friend, Miss Azure ; but
her chief study was satire ; she levelled her shafts at every one,
and every thing1 ; whether well, or ill-timed was a matter of no
moment to her ; she forgot that

Satire should like a polish'd razor keen,
Wound with a touch that's scarcely felt or seen ;

and as there was little, or no real wit, in her pungent remarks,
she but too often made herself appear very rude, and very
ridiculous.

The gentlemen need but little description ; Mr. Brindle was
an enthusiast in the viewing of nature ; he never went a long,
or short journey ; a sea, or land voyage ; took a trip out of town,
or ascended the top of his house without his telescope : number-
less were the accidents this propensity had entailed upon him ;
but vain were their' effects in curing him ; he still, upon every
occasion, walked with his telescope to his eye, shifting the focus
as he neared, or retired from any object, and as he usually carried
a pocket one when he perambulated the streets, as he said, f To
see the time by the farthest church clock/ he frequently
descended open cellars, areas, coal gratings, &c. &c., without
any previous intention, more speedily than was ever agreeable ;
and measured his length upon the ground, against his desire,
most constantly, and in a manner he thought remarkable.

Mr. Azure was fond of monosyllables and gin ; the former he
always indulged in, the latter, at nights, and in both the latter
cases he thought it indispensable.

Mr. Pundit was a pedant, who deemed the ancients the only
authors a man should read ; his language was precise, and his
manners bore a resemblance to his language ; yet, on all occasions
like the present, he wished to be present ; he felt it ' a relief/
he observed, ' to unbend when his mind had been prolapsed in
the profluent study of abstruse, and obscure authors/

Tom Buoyant was a confirmed punster, which is saying every-
thing for him ; he was attended by his two friends, Raleigh
Walter,, a desperate smoker, and Sam Smerke, or, as he was
nick-named, Smiling Smerke, because he was always on the
broad grin.

Last, and least, were the two schoolfellows of Master Brindle,
who bore the family name of Budd — Bob and Joe Budd, and
precious ' buds ' they were, only happy when in mischief, and
decidedly opposite in every point of character to Master Swallow
Brindle, who loved nothing so well as eating ; and must have
been the very boy who wrote from school to his mother, the
most expressive letter ever penned —

" Dear Mother,

'• Puddin."

These sweet youths completed the party.

July is known to be rather a warm month, from a slight hint

192 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

conveyed in the Almanack — ecce signum — ' dog days ;' and if
ever England experienced a day unusually ( hot/ it was that on
which our PilgTims accompanied the Pic-nic-ians to Richmond ;
not a breath of air was stirring, the sky over head was a faint
blue, which gradually faded into a pale fewn colour, as it ap-
proached the horizon, not a cloud broke —

" Light shade for the leaves when laid
In their noon day dreams,'

Terrible were its effects on Mrs. Brindle — poor old soul, it
had been almost an Herculean task to her to get the eatables
ready in time, but she succeeded — got them packed and sent on
board the steamer the night previous to starting*, taking- upon
herself the task of making- and cooking all the tarts, pastry, and
everything- in that way ; she had given herself a g-ood hard day's
work over a larg-e kitchen fire, which, in July, is no joke, and is
in itself enough to knock up 'even a person accustomed to it ;
but Mrs. Brindle had not only to attend to the puffs and tarts,
but also to the young- gentlemen, who had forced their way in,
and nothing" could induce the dears to quit the kitchen while the
sweets were about ; ever and anon they were ' seeking what they
might devour/ and having outraged every indulgence granted
them, had been, ultimately, forcibly expelled ; as might be ex-
pected, the contention with the ' youthful hopefuls/ the heat of
the weather, the fire, and the anxiety of the well-turning out
of her cookery, had completely knocked her up, and instead of
keeping her promise to be at the party, she ought to have kept
her bed ; but, good natured creature, she imagined that the party
would receive a great damper by her absence, and therefore,
roused herself in the best manner she was able. The party
assembled at her house by nine o'clock, and after two or three
little stoppages, caused by ' forgetfulness/ got on boardthe Diana,
at ten minutes to ten, which was the appointed hour for starting.
As Mrs. Brindle had prided herself upon the correctness with
which all the joints and their concomitants — all the pastry, the
dessert, the wines, and liquors — had been packed ; and, as her
man servant had saib, safely delivered on board the steamer, she
thought to make assurance doubly sure by seeing that they were
on board : she, therefore, enquired respecting them of the cap-
tain, who referred her to the steward, who knew nothing about
them ; consequently, they could not be on board ; for if they
had been they would have been consigned to his care. Mrs.
Brindle grew alarmed ; — luckily, she had brought the man-
servant who had taken them the night previous to wait upon
tliem : she immediately sought him out : she found him.

" Jim/' she cried.

" Ma'am."

" You took those hampers I sent you with last night safe to
the steam-office?"

" Yes."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 193

" Did you put them, as I told you to do, on board ? "
" No."

tf No ! why not ? "
" Too late/'

'• Why, you never took them home a«-ain."
" No, ma'am, I left them at the office/1
" Oh ! " (A groan of relief.)

" There's the young" man I left 'em with," said Jim, pointing
to a person who was talking" with the captain.
" That's lucky/' said Mrs. B. " Jim, follow me."
Jim obeyed.

" My servant left some packages last night with you to go by
this steamer to Richmond/' 'said Mrs. B. to the young man.
Judge of Mrs. B/s horror upon hearing the reply. "He left
some packages last night with me, but not for this steamer."

" Not for this steamer ! " reiterated Mrs. B. " For which
then ? " she falteringly enquired.

" For the Diamond, ma'am," politely returned the clerk.
" Jim ! "
" Ma'am."

" What did I tell you ?— pray, what name did I tell you ?"
" I forgot the name, ma'am — and that young man said the
' Dimond'— and it sounded like it — so I thought it was all
right."

" Jim, you are a downright fool."
Jim mentally disagreed with her.

" We can have them taken out of the Diamond, and put on
board this vessel ? " asked Mrs. B. of the clerk.

" Oh no, ma'am," replied the clerk, " the Diamond went to
Gravesend at six o'clock this morning."

Mrs. B. felt as if she could sink into the earth " What ? "
she faintly asked.

The clerk repeated the disagreeable intelligence. Mrs. B.
mechanically turned to Jim, who looked particularly foolish ; —
her indignation was excited at the sight of him. " Jim/' she
cried, "you stupid, dull-headed fool; here's a predicament you

have placed us in ; here's a t — t — t — t what shall we do ? "

" I beg your pardon, ma'am," said the clerk ; " I presume
your packages contain provision for a pic-nic party."
" They do — they do," responded Mrs. B.
" I expect the Diamond will return by eleven o'clock, and
your packages can be forwarded to you by a waterman's boat,
and I dare say will reach you by the time you will want them."
"•You are very, very good," exclaimed Mrs. B., who felt as
if the whole world had been taken off her chest. "Jim, you
shall stay behind, and when the Diamond returns, get our things
from her, and bring them in a boat after us up to Richmond
Bridge."

2 D

194 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Very well, ma'am/' replied Jim, who was as pleased as
his mistress that it was no worse.

" You will have the goodness to see them forwarded/' said
Mrs. B. to the clerk.

" I will, ma'am/' he replied, and bowed low, as he received
half-a-crown from her.

The relation of this occurrence excited some merriment
among- the party.

" Well/' exclaimed Makemoney, " although our dinner has
gone in the opposite direction to our destination, it is still pro-
bable that we shall meet."

" It is meet we should/' said Buoyant.
" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Smerke.

" What a wretched attempt, Buoyant," sneered Miss Bodger;
" really your puns are, like yourself, frightfully hideous, and
particularly pointless "

« Ha ! ha ! ha ! " grinned Smerke.
" You are sharp, however, Miss," replied Buoyant.
" We shall be in a precious mess if he don't come," observed
Mrs. Azure.

" Oh, he'll come," said Mrs. Brindle, consolingly.
" If he didn't he should go," cried Mrs. Bodger. " I tell you
what, Mrs. Brindle, its all gammon about forgetting the name.
I'd lay my life he got drunk ; and, if I was you, I'd give him
the sack."

" What sack ? " asked Mrs. Brindle, innocently.
" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " shouted Smerke.
" Mother ! " uttered Miss Bodger, silencingly.
" Mrs.B. — puff — means — puff — discharge — puff — him — puff/'
— exclaimed Raleigh Walter, as distinctly as his cigar would let
him.

" Nay," exclaimed Miss Azure, with affected kindness, " do
not be so harsh ; mistakes will occur, you know, in the best
regulated families, ( comme dit I'autre ;' besides, it is useless to
make a grievance of a circumstance which the occurrence obvi-
ates the prevention — ( llfaut souffrir patiemmement ce qui est
inevitable.' And, let me observe," she concluded, simperingly,
' // n'est pas tout-a-fait clair que le mat arrivera.'"
" No — nor the dinner either/' rejoined Flourish.
" The non-existence of mnemonics in domestics causes a fre-
quency of errors," said Pundit.

" Very true, sir," broke in Miss Young, who did not properly
understand Pundit's meaning, but was dying to say something
about her ancestor ; " very true, sir ! —

4 Error in acts or judgment is the source
Of endless sighs ! '

as writes my illustrious antecedent, the great Dr. Young, in the
ninth night of the Complaint "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 195

She would have continued, but her voice was drowned by the
vociferation of the captain to the sailors to cast off, and the en-
gineer to clap on. The passengers became sensible of the mo-
tion of the vessel, and the dum-dum-dum-dum of the paddle-
wheels was predominant.

" Now we are off/' exclaimed Sprightly, " and two hours
hence I anticipate that my feet will kiss the green bosom of
Richmond Hill."

" How poetical ! " cried Miss Azure.

'He did press on the green moss '

Here she was interrupted by a violent screaming and an outra-
geous scuffling : all eyes were turned on the spot from whence
the noise proceeded, and beheld the steward bringing the Mas-
ter Budds, grasped by the collars of their coats, in his right
hand, and Master Swallow, held by the arm, in his left. It is
needless to say that a strong opposition was kept up by the
youthful party ; which developed itself in sundry kickings,
strugglings, bitings, &c., and, on the part of Master Swallow
Brindle, by a most lusty roaring, as he run, unwillingly, at the
pace of ten miles an hour.

" Who do these younkers belong to ?" exclaimed the stew-
ard— (an old seaman, who had been a boatswain of a man-of-
war ; was pensioned off for wounds received in his Majesty's
service, and, to his pension, added the emolument of a
steward's berth in a steamer) — " Who do these younkers belong
to ?" again roared the steward.

Poor Mrs. Brindle hesitatingly advanced ; she dreaded to hear
the steward's explanation of this scene ; a glance at the boys
was quite enough to satisfy her that the intelligence would be
far from pleasing. " I believe the children — that is — 1 brought
the children with — that is — what t* the matter ?" she enquired
a little more boldly.

" Why, lookee* ma'am/' answered the steward ; (t if these
youngsters be you'rn you ought to seize 'em up, and gi' 'em a
round dozen, and I'll tell you why — avast there !" he shouted to
the boys, who were making desperate struggles to free them-
selves, accompanied by yells of — " Mrs. Brindle — ma — mum —
Mrs. Brindle — oh — oh — oh ! — let us go."

" Let them go/' said Mrs. Brindle, entreatingly ; " and pray
do let me know what they have done ?"

" Oh, sart'n'y, marm," replied the old man, and he let the
boys loose ; but attempted to recapture an orange, and sundry
lumps of sugar from Master Swallow, who, upon losing them,
extended his arms and hands, performed a very speedy dance,
and screamed more lustily than before ; as silence could only
be restored by a restoration of the orange and sugar, this was
done, and peace obtained.

" Now/' said Mrs. Brindle, " if you please, tell me the mean-
ing of all this."

196 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" If that powder monkey was mine," exclaimed the steward,
indignantly, " instead of an orange, I'd giv' him the bight of a
topsail sheet over his starn ; but that's neither here nor there ;
you see, ma'am, I was on duty in the chief cabin, and somebody
sung out for an allowance o' brandy — I turned into my berth to
fetch it, when — buntlines and cluelines — I saw the youngsters as
busy as topmen shaking out reefs when a fair breeze is springing
up ; and what do you think they were after ?"

" Don't know," answered Mrs. Brindle, with a consciousness
that something very unpleasant was coming.

" Why, there was one had turned up a pot of green paint ;
and was painting over the bulk heads till all was blue."

" Fudge !" said Mr. Azure.

" The other was mixing rum, brandy, gin, wine, stout, and
water, in a two gallon can, and the third, that youngster suck-
ing the orange, had stretched along the eating haliards, and was
raking the fruit locker fore and aft — I boarded 'em in the smoke
— and brought 'em up all standing — I made 'em prisoners, and
lugged 'em up to be owned, and as they're yours, you must pay
all damage."

" How much is it ?" asked Mrs. Brindle, who understood
very little more than the last sentence ; but that was quite
enough to know. The steward began to enumerate, but as his
list run rather long, Mrs. Brindle cut it short by asking if half-a-
sovereign would cover the damage ; the seaman replied in the
affirmative, and the payment of the money settled the affair.

A lecture on good behaviour followed from Mrs. Brindle to
the boys ; to which, as it appealed to their sense, they were
completely insensible ; and fully developed their sense of it, by
starting off, upon its conclusion, to see what further mischief
they could employ themselves in. Mrs. Brindle having herself
a misgiving of the efficacy of her lecture, followed them in their
peregrinations, just to keep an eye on them, a task by no means
delightful.

The intentions of children are usually evanescent ; they were
peculiarly so in the Master Budds ; as soon as they formed a de-
sire, they attempted its gratification, the slightest impediment to
its attainment gave rise to a fresh design, which, in its turn, was
succeeded by another, until they accomplished something, not
always agreeable in its effects ; whenever any thing like eat-
ables were the fruits of the 'Budd's' campaign, Master Swallow
made one of the party, and the prospect of obtaining an apple,
ever induced him to follow the pair.

The possibility of her dear boy's getting into danger, entailed
a stronger necessity upon Mrs. B. to bring up their rear ; and as
their operations were of a most desultory nature, without fear, or
care for the result, they kept the poor old lady in a perpetual
fever and continued jog-trot ; her appearance was truly piteous ;
the sun, when endeavouring to show his face through a fog of

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 197

particularly cutable consistency, never looked redder than did
the countenance of poor Mrs. B. : her hair, which she had taken
such pains to paper, and press, the night before, and that very
morning" had spent half an hour in combing- and pinning-, to
make all sure, was now hanging- in straggling- disorder over her
forehead and cheeks, her white dress, which had been ' g-ot up '
so nicely, so whitely,smd stiffly, was now flaccid, ding-y, and
hung- upon her like a bathing1 g-own on a nymph performing1 her
saline ablutions ; in truth, the sultriness, or, as Mrs.Bodg-er term-
ed it — the sweltriness of the weather, and the heat of the
steamer combined, had ' induced a copious exudation/ to use Mr.
Pundit's words, and produced the effect we have described.

" Poor Mrs. Brindle has enoug-h to do, to keep those boys from
mischief ;" said Makemoney, who had been much amused with
witnessing- their freaks, and Mrs. B's. nervous ag-itation.

" Yes," replied Sprigiitly, " and I cannot conceive what
motive Mrs. Brindle could have, in bringing those young- gentle-
men, whose ' little pleasantries ' seem to have such unfavourable
results/'

" No," cried Mrs. Bodg-er, " Pd a seen the brats at Jericho
first, afore Pd a broug-ht 'em ; they'll fag' her to death ; here I'm
all a muck a' sweat standing- still, and what must she be ? why,
sweating- like a bull to be sure !"

Flourish looked at Sprightly on the termination of this speech,
and they both laug-hed — inwardly, it is true ; but Miss Bodg-er,
who had noticed the g-lance and smile, felt stung-, and determin-
ed, if possible, to be revenged for it.

" My mother is peculiar in her choice of words," she remarked
to Flourish ; " but old people have sing-ular ways, you know ;
your pa, I believe, was so eccentric in his lang-uag-e and manners,
that he was not admitted in decent society, because in all cir-
cles he preferred retaining his early speech and habits — was it
not so ?"

Sprightly and Makemoney both laughed immoderately, and
Flourish, with something like asperity, replied — " You are
slightly mistaken, my dear. My father was the younger son of
Sir Ralph Flourish, a baronet, and lineal descendant of the
Earl Caspar de Flourish, who came over with William the
Conqueror ; my father was educated at Eton, and afterwards at
Christchurch, Oxford ; upon quitting college, he took a fancy to
commerce, and in addition to a handsome income, realized a
large fortune, of which 1 am the unworthy possessor," and he
made Miss Bodg'er a low bow.

" I was misinformed," replied Miss Bodger, and slightly
coloured ; but she was not to be prevented from having another
try to repay that smile at her mother's expense ; so turning to
Sprightly, she said, " Perhaps, I mean you, I am forgetful of
names," and she tried to look archly.

Sprightly, who saw the < cloven foot,' smilingly referred her

198 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

to his uncle — " who/' he said, " knew his father better than
himself."

" Yes, young- lady," exclaimed Makemoney, " I knew him
well for many years, and suffer me to observe, that you are
equally mistaken with regard to Sprightly ; but first let me
say that it is not the choice of words, that we should "

A crash — a scream — and a tremendous outcry, interrupted the
speech of Makemoney ; on seeking the cause, it appeared that
Master Swallowr had, like a cat with a mouse, been playing with
an orange before he devoured it ; his actions had been carefully
watched by a dog, of wThich Flourish was the owner, and a
miscalculation in the point of descent of the fruit by Master
Brindle, who had been tossing it in the air, caused the orange to
fall upon the deck ; immediately the dog perceived the prostrate
luxury, he made a bound to obtain it, the success of which was
counteracted by Master Swallow's seizing fast hold of his tail ;
and as the dog made strenuous efforts to capture it, he compelled
Master S. to go through the evolutions of a slide ; at the same
moment Mr. Brindle had just directed his glass to Vauxhall
Bridge, and was stepping back to bring the glass to a right
focus, when the dog bolted through his legs, but as Master S.
still kept firmly hold, and being rather too large to pass freely
the same opening, Mr. Brindle was propelled at an unusual
speed, until Master Swallow found it impracticable to hold any
longer, in consequence of the dog's suddenly turning short and
impressing his teeth on the young gentleman's digits ; thus sharp-
ly admonished, he quitted the tail, and the result of the sudden
cessation of the propelling power was, that Mr. Brindle and his
son were forcibly deposited in the centre of a party who were
playing at cribbage for bottles of stout ; this was the cause of
the crash — for bottles and glasses, like many banks — were
broken. The scream came from Mrs. Brindle, who had witness-
ed the catastrophe, and whose fears had magnified the accident
into certain destruction of one or both parties, from which hor-
rid conviction she was relieved, by seeing Mr. Brindle arise and
politely beg a thousand pardons of the circle into which he had
gained admittance unknown and thus abruptly, for unintention-
ally slightly disturbing their game ; and Master Swallow finding
himself minus an orange, and gainer of a bite —

* Crowed like chantideer,''

giving powerful indications that if he had lost his fruit, he still
retained his lungs. Mrs. Brindle upon ascertaining that her
dear child had actually been bitten by the dog, grew fearfully
alarmed ; frightful visions of hydrophobia assailed her — bitten by
a dog in dog days — horror ! she saw him (mentally of course)
turn with terror and disgust from water — foam at the mouth —
— biting — writhing — dying raving mad ; and globules of perspi-
ration cold as ice, chased each other down her broad forehead
and fat cheeks ; cutting and cauterizing next presented them-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 199

selves to her frantic imagination ; cutting out the part affected,
and then applying- a red-hot iron to the wound — agony ! " My
child ! — my boy ! — my Swallow I" she exclaimed hysterically.

" Oh — oh ! — Ha — a — a — a — oh !" screamed hep Swallow.
«« Ha — a — a ! 1 will have my or — or — orange." A rapid move-
ment with his feet ensued. " Gi — gi — give it to me — oh — oh —
oh !" and the yell faded into a faint sniff — a quivering catching
of the breath, as Flourish put into his hands the orange, which
his dog had laid at his feet ; the recovery of his lost treasure
quieted the boy, and with that happy indifference to ' clean and
sweet ' which characterizes children (excepting in one instance,
where we saw a child refuse a piece of barley sugar which a
black man had been sucking, and in a fit of child-like good
nature, took from his mouth, and offered), Master Swallow
immediately commenced devouring the spheroid, which the dog
had well moistened with his saliva. Mrs. Brindle was, however,
not so easily satisfied ; she strictly scrutinized the bitten hand, but
not finding an incision from the animal's incisors, concluded that
catting would not be required, and ejecting load No. 3 from
her chest, admonished her offspring to keep himself quiet for the
remainder of the day : she was roused from her lecture by hear-
ing Mr. Pundit exclaim

" The calidity of the Apollic luminary, has compelled a
liquefaction of the colophony, with which the place, against
which I have leaned, has been covered, and, I fear, a quantum
has attached itself viscously to my coat."

This speech was addressed to Mrs. Bodger, who replied — " I
don't know what you mean by collor-funny, but if you mean
your coat, why its all over green paint, for you've been leaning
agin the board which young Joe Budd has been a painten hon."
Mr. Pundit was a man who felt ill if a speck of dirt got upon
his clothes ; he therefore heard that his coat, a light plum, almost
a lavender colour, was ornamented across the shoulders with a
bright emerald green, with a satisfaction by no means evident.

" The exestuation," said he angrily, " of exiguous juveniles,
ever produces mischief, and I feel surprised that Mrs. B. who
knows that they are not morigerous, by the frequency of their
requiring objurgation, should, maugre this knowledge and the
possibility of producing unpleasantnesses, have brought them
with her, to the dissatisfaction of every one present, and to her
own discomforture." So saying, he indignantly joined the party
at the head of the vessel, who were expatiating upon the beauty
of the scenery they were passing.

Mrs. Brindle was almost affected to tears by this reflection
upon her ; and Mrs. Bodger soothed her by saying — "Hifyou
hadn't a brought 'em this wouldn't a happened — but what's
done can't be hundone, so nevermind, don't bother yourself about
what he said — I didn't hunderstand him — it was all igh Dutch
to nw. Where's the kids ?"

200 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Kids !" reiterated Mrs. Brindle, interrogatively.

" Yes, the young'uns !" said Mrs. Bodger.

" Oh, the children ! oh, the young Budds are asleep with the
heat, and Swallow seems fast following-/' replied Mrs. Brindle.

" Well, that's lucky — ere, come hup to the liother hend,
where the bothers hare/' cried Mrs. Bodg-er ; and arm in arm
they sought the head of the vessel.

" There's— puff— the— puff— Red-house— puff," said Walter.

" A famous place for shooting- pig-eons/' remarked Make-
money.

" Yes/' replied Buoyant, " and srulls are to be seen there as
well."

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" laug-hed Smerke.

" Infamous !" said Miss Bodg-er ; " of course then you are to
be seen there."

" Ha ! ha ! ha!" yelled Smerke.

" The loud laugh shows the vacant mind !"

uttered Miss Azure, listlessly.

Smerke was silent.

" Now/' cried Buoyant, " we reach Chelsea Reach ; 'tis said
when we reach ibis Reach, it makes us cockneys retch."

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Smerke.

"• Fudge !" exclaimed Mr. Azure.

" It is very open to the wind here/' said Makemoney.

" Yes, uncle," answered Sprightly, " do you remember com-
ing- to a sailing- match, and being- very nearly run down by one
of the vessels?"

" I do," responded Makemoney, " and a narrow escape we
had ; it was all through the stupidity of our waterman, who ran
foul of a wherry which he nearly upset, and a sailing boat was
just upon us — "

" Which luffed up, and prevented your being run down, I sup-
pose," punned Buoyant.

" Exactly/' returned Makemoney.

Battersea, Putney, and Hammersmith bridges, were respective-
ly passed, and commented on, and the mansions, villas, and
churches, decking the river's bank, excited critical remarks ;
Miss Azure was labouring, with great perseverance, to bring all
her quotations — English, French, and Italian, into play ; while
Miss Young never lost an opportunity to drag- in some lines from
Young, whether apropos or not ; and if Young could not fur-
nish her with lines to the purpose, she drew upon some theolo-
gical author whom she had read, and a retentive memory en-
abled her to produce portions when occasion required ; Miss
Bodger found opportunities to indulge in her pungent remarks ;
and Tom Buoyant punned most vigorously ; Smerke roared more
than ever ; Raleigh Walter was emptying his cigar with all
speed, and Mr. Azure his gin-bottle ; Mrs. Azure and Mrs.
Bodger were being drawn out by Flourish, to whom they were

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 201

recounting', to the great amusement of Makemoney and Sprightly,
a " slap-up gipsey party" which they had enjoyed tog-ether some
twenty years previous ; while Mr. Pundit was sighing over his
painted garment ; and Mr. Brindle, still gazing through his te-
lescope, kept treading on the toes of every one near him, and
was continually knocking his shins against the windlass, bits,
&c. ; exciting the nervous irritability of Mrs. Brindle, which
developed itself in the frequent utterance of the interjections,
" Ha — ho — oh I" as her husband encountered each of the little
accidents just mentioned ; but

" A change came o'er the spirit of their dream/'

The sun, which was increasing in altitude, was also increasing
in heat ; the steam likewise dispensed a considerable portion of
its warmth on all within its influence, and assisted materially in
making the atmosphere insufferably hot. Every one laboured
under its effects ; and, notwithstanding the endeavours of the
ladies, by means of veils, &c., to

" Shade their beauty from the sun,"

their efforts were of no avail, as Tom Buoyant remarked ; for
their foreheads, noses, cheeks, and chins, were suffused, not
with a faint blush, but a flush of scarlet ; an accession not very
desirable, as being a colour burnt in was not likely easily to be
ef-faced. The gentlemen loosened their neckcloths, their coats,
and waistcoats : vainly did they turn to the four cardinal points
in the faint hope of catching a breeze ; but no — not a breath
was to be obtained ; and Makemoney, after veering about se-
veral times, gave vent to his oppression in a most energetic
"Phew!"

" Qu'il fait chaud," said Miss Azure.

" Who ? what ? kill for shew ? What do you mean ? " asked
her mother.

" Your daughter alluded to the calidity of the atmosphere/'
replied Pundit ; " and, veraciously speaking, the Apollic lumi-
nary is excessively calorific, and I am in an oppressive state of
sudation."

" Thank'ee, sir," was responded by Mrs. A., who remained
as wise as before.

Mr. Pundit sighed, and thought of his coat : he tried to see
its reflection on the water, but his efforts were without success.

" Silence reigned triumphant." It was very evident that the
sudorific powers of the sun were resistless ; and though several
efforts were made to keep a conversation afloat, it dwindled into
monosyllables, and eventually into silence. Buoyant left off
punning, Raleigh Walter smoking, Smerke grinning, Mr. Azure
drinking gin, and Mr. Brindle put down his telescope; Miss
Azure ceased French-ising, Miss Bodger pungency ; Miss Young
began to dream of her illustrious antecedent ; Mesdames Bodger
and Azure forgot ' hold times ' in somnolency ; the Miss Brindles

2 E

202 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

were just beginning- to grow serious, and Mrs. Brindle went to
look after the boys ; our Pilgrims, who felt the oppressive sul-
triness no less than the other portion of the party, maugre their
great love of the picturesque, sought refuge in the cabin ;— and
thus they reached Richmond.

The exclamations of " Richmond ! Richmond ! " from the
steward, and the bustle attendant upon the arrival, awakened
the sleepers and dozers ; and as the note of the Swiss horn ga-
thers the shepherd's flock together, so the voice of the steward
collected our scattered party into one group. The heat was
still intense ; but the slight repose, and the novelty of the ar-
rival, counteracted partially the lassitude which the weather oc-
casioned, and seemed to put a fresh spirit into the Pic-nic-ians ;
every one blessed with a peculiar characteristic indulged^in it as
freely as heretofore. Tom Buoyant commenced :

" I esteem a steamer, although it has been a frier," said he,
" because the day is a broiler/'

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " roared Smerke.

"Stuff!" cried Azure.

l( Catachrestical \" exclaimed Pundit, superciliously.

" Ha ! — puff— devilish — puff— good," puffed Walter.

" Entre-deux" lisped Miss Azure.

" He ! he ! he ! " giggled the Miss Brindles ; " he is so amus-
ing— the wretch!"

" Oh, dreadfully so," sneered Miss Bodger, " particularly to
shallow minds."

" T see," said Flourish, a little ungallantly, for he had not
forgotten the attack upon his father ; " I see you derive much
amusement from him."

"Thank you," she answered ; " but I believe you exceed me
in that little particular."

"Where's Mrs. Brindle?" interrupted Mrs. Azure; "oh,
here she comes with those precious boys. Why, what's the
matter now ? " she inquired of Mrs. B., who looked much dis-
tressed, while her boy was crying mightily.

"Matter!" replied Mrs. B.; "look here;" and she turned
her back to Mrs. A. ; " look here — what d'ye think of that ? "

Mrs. Azure directed her eyes to her dress, and there saw sun-
dry large dabs of green paint ; on which, with much labour and
ingenuity, had been stuck several pieces of red paper, of smaller
dimensions than the spots of paint ; while, in various parts,
pieces of the dress, in the shapes of diamonds, stars, suns, and
moons, had been carefully subtracted with a sharp instrument —
possibly a pair of scissors.

" There," continued Mrs. B. ; " what do you think of that ? "

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " yelled Smerke, convulsively.

" Mr. Smerke — sir — I am surprised — its no laughing matter,
I can assure you," said Mrs. B. in a dignified tone, while the
tears stood in her eyes ; " no, sir — if you "

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 203

At this moment Mrs. Dodger's attention was attracted by Mrs.
Brindle's tone of voice, and immediately after by her dress.

" Hallo ! " she cried, " why, my ighs !— ha ! ha ! ha !— Where
have you been ? — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — Oh, you know ; aint you be-
dizined worser nor a May sweep queen — well, I never "

" Marchand qui perd ne pent rire," exclaimed Miss Azure,
whose attention, with that of the rest of the party, had been
excited by Mrs. Rodger's exclamation. " What is the matter,
ma chcre madame ? " she asked of Mrs. Brindle.

" Why, my dear," replied Mrs. B. afflictedly, " upon finding"
every one was going off' to sleep, I thought I would go and see
how and where the boys were, for,you know, they are so lively
that they will do any thing, and I thought they might have
tumbled into the boiler "

(' Of course/' interrupted Buoyant, " that put you in a stew."

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " laughed Smerke.

" Detestable effort ! — pray be silent, Buoyant, and do not ex-
pose your extreme insufficiency/' remarked Miss Bodger.

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " accompanied "Smerke.

" You are almost as bad as Smerke," she concluded.

Smerke ceased.

Mrs. Brindle proceeded : " I therefore hurried to the cabin,
and found two on the sofa, and one on a table, fast asleep ; well,
I thought I would not disturb them, and I sat down to take a
little rest, and fell a dreaming ; I thought Swallow was tumb-
ling off the vessel into the water ; I rushed forward to save him,
and awoke, to find Master Joseph Budd cutting and hacking my
dress with a pair of scissors, while Swallow was sticking bits of
paper on places which Bob was painting with a green brush ;
my anger got the better of my tenderness, and I certainly struck
them rather severely ; but don't you think they deserved it ? "
she inquired of all.

All exclaimed, — " Yes, oh yes ! naughty boys/' &c. &o.

" You are not, madam," said Pundit, pensively, " the only
person who has suffered from their dispensation of that mineral
and oleaginous composition ; you will perceive I am likewise a
sufferer ; " — and he turned his back to the company.

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " shouted Smerke.

" Sir," said Pundit, " your cachinnation is offensive."

" Now, gentlemen, if you please," said the captain.

" Boat, sir ! Boat ! Boat ! Here you are, sir ! This way,
marm ! " was uttered successively by several boatmen.

As the party consisted of twenty persons, that is, seventeen
adults and the three children, it was necessary to have three boats,
and as it was likely to be a lucrative af-/ae> for the watermen, a
scuffle ensued between them who should get the party — much
shouting and much screaming ensued ; the three boys were seized
forcibly by one man and placed in his boat, Mrs. B. followed
quickly after them. As she was getting down the steps into the

•204 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

boat,Mr.Pundit was about following, when a scuffle between two
watermen ensued just at his elbow ; the sudden lurch of one of
them caused him to dash against Pundit's shoulder, who
was on the edge of the stairs ; this act gave his descent a fright-
ful impetus, and as there was nothing but Mrs. Brindle's back to
stop his speed, his two hands caine in contact with it, and
caused her instantaneous entrance into the boat ; it is needless to
say he accompanied her with an impetuous celerity, and that they
both discovered themselves in the bottom of the boat, rolling
over each other : the violence with which this occurrence took
place very nearly caused the turning over of the boat, and drew
from the boatmen a horrid exclamation ; the two Budds were
sent sprawling over one of the seats, and Master Swallow over
the side, to the intense agony of his mother, who rising, caught
a glimpse of his boots disappearing ; she bounded forward, upset-
ting Pundit, who was also rising, and thrust her hands and arms
to her shoulders into the water in time to seize him and drag him
into the boat ; the suddenness with which she did this, nearly
upset the boat a second time,^nd it required all the skill of the
watermen to prevent it. She put Swallow, wet as he was,
plump into the lap of Pundit, who had that moment seated him-
self, holding the sides of the seat most firmly, to prevent having
a bathe unwillingly. Pundit had nankeen trousers on, and of
course, was soaked to the skin instantly ; scarcely any thing
worse could have occurred to him : he was thinking thus, when
Mrs. Brindle, overcome by the excitement, threw her wet arms
around his neck and fainted away ; here a new bustle was creat-
ed, and Mr. Brindle, upon seeing the whole of the affair, which
hardly occupied a minute, in his hurry to go to his wife's assist-
ance, let the telescope slip through his fingers. Unfortunately he
made a grasp at it, and succeeded only in striking it with the tips
of his fingers, and instead of falling, as it would have done, upon
the deck, it flew over the side, and the waters closed over it for
ever ; this, to him, was a greater misfortune than his wife's
accident, and it was Hot till the reiterated offers of salts, scents,
and aromatic vinegar, from the ladies, induced him to turn from
franticly gazing upon the place where his telescope disappeared,
to his wife in a swoon in the boat, he gave one ' longing linger-
ing look behind/ and prepared to attempt the recovery of his
wife, being fully convinced of the impossibility of recovering his
telescope ; or, it is probable, the latter might have called forth his
efforts first ; however, his assistance was not required, for Mrs.
B. came to, and after gazing wildly round her for a moment,
gave utterance to a short hysteric scream, and cried — " My
child ! — my boy ! — where's my boy ?"

" Your offspring, madam," said Pundit, grimly, " I imbibe
gratification in observing, is preserved."

This speech was partially drowned by Master Swallow, who
had given birth to a most violent yelling, with a piano accom-

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. '205

pani merit by the two Budds, who were both hurt by the fall ;
Mrs. B. upon hearing1 the well-known tone, caught him to her
breast, hugged and wept over him, for be he what he might to
other people, he was her only child, and she doated on him.

The other boats were now filled, and the party reached the
shore, where the only incident of note occurring, was the sudden
desire of Mr. Azure to be thought nimble ; he made a jump from
the boat to the shore, but miscalculating his distance, arrived up
to his knees in the water, two feet nearer the boat than he
intended.

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" shrieked Smerke.

" Fool," roared Azure, and darting a look of awful malignity
at him, thrust both hands into his coat pockets and stalked up to
the town.

The party followed, and proceeded some distance, before Mrs.
Brindle could conceive how her son's and her own garments
were to be dried ; a pastry-cook's shop caught the eye of her
son, and the probability of the proprietor allowing them to dry
themselves struck her. She went, accompanied by the three boys,
into the ' Original shop for Maids of Honour/ and easily obtained
the required favour.

The remainder of the party proceeded to the Hill ; we have
before stated that it was a cloudless day, and, consequently, the
view was exquisite.

<k Well," exclaimed Makemoney, " this is, indeed, beautiful ;
we are well repaid for our fatigue : who will assert, after seeing
this view, that Richmond Hill does not equal any spot in the
world for a prospect?"

'* There is something very chaste and varied," observed
Sprightly.

" Chaste \" reiterated Makemoney ; " why, France with her
beautiful vines — Italy, with her blue skies and broad lakes — the
Rhine, with its woody heights, or Switzerland, with its mountain
scenery, owns nothing more beautifully diversified, more simple,
or more characteristic/'

" It is delightful," cried Miss Azure, who saw an opportunity
to quote. " It is —

' A most living landscape, and the wave
Of woods, and cornfields, and the abodes of men,
Scattered at intervals, and wreathing smoke
Arising from such rustic roofs — '

lends a charm which makes it heaven to gaze on."

Miss Young who, for the preceding two hours, had been un-
able to introduce her * illustrious antecedent,' was very unwilling
to let this opening pass without making the most of it, so, scarce-
ly waiting the termination of Miss Azure's remark, she burst
forth with extraordinary velocity — " True, my dear ; very true,
it is, indeed, most exquisite ; it makes me say, in the words of my
truly great predecessor, Complaint, Night 4, —

206 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" O most adorable ! most unador'd !

Where shall that praise begin, which ne'er should end ?

Where'er 1 turn, what claim on all applause.'

and, as Bishop Heber says,

" From the soft vernal sky, to the soft grassy gronnd,
There is beauty above me, beneath, and around."

and, I repeat with Dyer —

" How close and small the hedges lie !
What streaks of meadows cross the eye !
A step, methinks, may cross the stream."

" You make your lines ac-cord," interrupted Tom Buoyant,
" but let us leave the trees and flowers, and think of Mrs. Brindle
and the Budds."

" Ah/' exclaimed Mrs. Azure, " where can they be ? it is
very strange."

" Very," echoed Mrs. Bodger ; " its two hours arter the time
we was to a' had dinner ;" and she looked at her gold watch,
which was about the elegant size of a small cheeseplate. " Why,
I'm blessed," she continued, " its three o'clock. I feels precious
peckish, and it strikes me that it won't be himcommon hodd if
we have to toddle to the Star and Garter for our feed, for I have
a ' presongtimongj as Miss Hazzher says, that Jim won't bring
the pannum."

"Ha ! ha ! ha!" shouted Smerke.

{( Well, Mr. Grinner, wot do you mean by that horse-laugh ?"
she asked indignantly of smiling Smerke, who could only put
his hand to his heart, bow, and shake his head, while his whole
frame was convulsed with a suppressed roar.

"Oh, don't mind him, mother," cried Miss Bodger, " nature
will out — it is merely his natural stupidity displaying itself."

"Oh, well, if that's all," said Mrs. B, appeased.

Mrs. Bodger was interrupted at this moment, by an audible
groan, accompanied by the exclamation — " Its of no use — none
whatever — it won't do — won't — d — n it." Turning to the spot,
Mr. Brindle was observed, in a state of perturbation, holding his
hand half closed to his right eye, telescope fashion, walking for-
wards, and then receding, and then stamping, and scratching his
head with great vigour, bewailing the loss of his glass in terms
of ' bitterest woe."

" La !" cried the eldest Miss Brindle, " look at pa, — he ! he !
he ! what a way he's in — he said "

" Shocking !" giggled her sister, " wasn't it ?"

" Partlc'lar so — he ! he ! he !" was the response.

" Gals," said Mrs. Bodger, " wats keeping your Oh, here

they hare — here they hare," she shouted, as Mrs.'Brindle appear-
ed in sight, followed by three men, carrying as many hampers ;
and her dear son devouring a ' maid of honour/ accompanied
by the two Budds, who were exciting the anger of the men, by
occasionally inserting pins in their understandings.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 207

" Hurrah, here's the dinner," shouted Buoyant.

" That's plummy !" vociferated Mrs. Bodger."

" Glorious — puff — devilish — puff — good," intermittingly ejacu-
lated Walter, who had not ceased smoking1, and whohadreplen^
ished his case in Richmond.

"Now, I hope, we shall enjoy ourselves," said Miss Bodger.

" What detained you so long, Mrs. B. dear," enquired Miss
Azure.

" Why, my love," answered Mrs. Brindle, wiping her fore-
head, for she was still ' dripping dew/ " when I was drying- my
boy's and my own clothes, I remembered there was nobody to
meet the villain Jim with the dinner, so I directly started off,
and the Budds would go with me down to the bridge ; and there
I waited — waited, till 1 was tired ; but I had enough to do to
keep the boys from mischief ; the little sprightly dog's kept
throwing stones, until they broke a window and cut a child's eye
open, both of which I had to pay for ; just after, up c mes a
large boat, a regular party barge, and four men got out, and
brought out our parcels with them, which, as soon as I saw, 1
went up to them, and asked them how they came by them ; and,
would you believe it, the rude fellows called me the ' fat cook/
but I soon undeceived them ; I enquired for Jim, and learned that
he had opened the wine hamper, had g-ot beastly intoxicated,
and was lying- fast asleep in the cabin, or whatever you call it,
of the pleasure boat. I g-ot one of the men to wake him ; and
all I could get out of the wretch was, that he was thirsty, arid
water did not agree with him, and then he filthily hiccup'd in
my face. I sent him to the cabin to sleep off his liquor, and the

watermen offering to carry the dinner, I — I Why, here we

are/' she concluded.

" By the bye," said Makemoney, " it would be no bad thing
to return by the boat, if it is larg-e enough ?"

" Oh, quite," answered Mrs. Brindle.

" A good thought, uncle," cried Sprightly ; <e I imag-ine it
will be a clear moonlight night, and that will make it delicious."

" Besides," broke in Flourish, " we shall not have to endure
the heat of the steamer, nor return so soon,"

" Delightful," ejaculated Miss Azure. " Le vent du bureau
est bon."

" Out of evil cometh good," eagerly uttered Miss Young- ;
" there is no evil, says Du Moulin, but some g-ood enters into the
composition ; and as my illustrious ancestor observes "

"Mrs. Brindle — my wife — ma'am," interrupted Mr. Brindle ;
" did you put up, as I directed, my pocket-glass in the hamper V

" Yes, my dear," answered his wife.

" The loss, Sacharisse, of my telescope, induces a neces-
sity for the pocket-glass, — give it me."

u Lor, my dear, we shan't have dinner to day, — do wait ?"

" D— n it, Mrs. Brindle— ma'am," muttered Mr. B.

208 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Boatman/' cried Makemoney, " is your boat large enough to
take us all back to London ?"

" Plenty, sir," replied a man advancing from his companions.

" Then we engage you to do so," said Makemoney.

" And he engages to do so, I hope," urged Buoyant.

" The Neoteric Charon is monoculous/ observed Pundit.

" What's that?" interrogated Mrs. Bodger.

" That he has a singular vision," replied Buoyant.

" Why, he's only got one hi," answered Mrs. B.

" Exactly," exclaimed Buoyant.

<l Saves trouble, mum," said the waterman, who overheard

the remark ; " because, you see " He would have grown

loquacious, but the general cry of " Where shall we dine ?
Dinner ! dinner ! " drowned the intended explanation.

A council was now called to arrange where to dine : the
Park, Star and Garter, were to their left ; an hotel, a row of
houses, at their back ; a quantity of ditto to their right, and the
view in front of them. It was evident that this was not a place
for Pic-nic-iana. To be within the gaze of the world had no-
thing very rural in it. So, after a slight deliberation, they filed
off to the right, and, with a little winding about, found a nice
place, — a spot encompassed by a few trees, and commanding an
extensive view. Here they stopped, and, with as much speed
as might be, the cloth was laid upon the grass ; the eatables
brought forth ; and, in an inconceivable short period, were being
discussed by the party.

" Well, I likes this," cried Mrs. Bodger, with her mouth
full ; " it certain'y is nice to heat your wittles in the hopen
hair."

" Very," responded Mrs. Azure ; " it makes me think on our
last trip here : there was no houses then — all fields and tresses
—eh?"

" Oh, its pleasant to think on hold times, han't it, Hazzher ? "

" Very," growled Azure.

" Well, how do you like the dinner ? " asked Mrs. Brindle,
who had been serving every body, and stood a very good chance
of getting none herself. " How do you like it ? " she asked,
with a flattering consciousness of receiving the highest com-
mendation.

" Oh, delicious — very nice — does great credit — never enjoyed
any thing more — lamb so young — so sweet — fowls so nice,"
&c. &c. uttered the party.

".Well, I am very glad of that — I tried to bless me, Mr.

Pundit, what is the matter ?" asked Mrs. B. of Mr. P., on seeing
him cram his handkerchief to his mouth, turn as pale as death,
and rise hastily from his seat. He could not reply, but waved
his hand, rushed from the spot, and was very ill behind a tree.
This incident gave rise to various conjectures : he had been
eating a small pigeon-pie.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 209

" Its very singular/' remarked Mrs. B. ; " there is nothing- in
a pigeon-pie to make any one unwell."

" Ain't there though," said the elder Budd.

u What d'ye mean, my child?" asked Mrs. B., with an in-
ward conviction of some unpleasant disclosure of youthful vil-
lainy.

" Why, I saw Bob empty a little bottle of physic in that pie.
He ! he»! he ! " he giggled.

"Ha! ha! ha!" roared Smerke.

" Bottle of physic ! " faintly reiterated Mrs. B. ; " then that's
where my emetic went." She turned to Bob — " Oh, you naughty
boy."

" Well," snivelled Bob, " Mr. Joe put some black beetles in
that meat-pie Mr. Smerke has been eating.''

On this disclosure every one laughed but Smerke ; and the
fear of similar discoveries taking place induced nearly every one to
believe that they had eaten sufficiently ; particularly on Pundit's
return, — for his ghastly, pallid look, alarmed all of them ; and
Smerke, with the thoughts of the beetles, was waxing mar-
vellously white. Various antidotes were prescribed for them.

" Gin !" cried Azure.

" Brandy ! " said Mrs. Bod^er.

" Cigar ! " exclaimed Walter, — pull' — " nothing — puff — like a
— p uff — cigar" — p uff.

However, Mrs. Bodg'er's prescription was followed, and seemed
to have a very good effect ; for Pundit began to look redder,
and Smerke to laugh. A general dispersing now look place.
The two Budds were most industriously exerting themselves ;
they had already affixed a long paper-tail to the collar of Wal-
ter, and a dirty knife-cloth to the tye wig of Mr. Brindle, who
still followed the old fashion, and who now was busy with his
telescope, muttering, "Beautiful! charming!" and various
other words expressive of delight. They (the Budds) then
diverted themselves by several other mischievous tricks ; and
Joe, having gathered some wild flowers, decorated, with much
perseverance and ingenuity, the cap with which Miss Young
adorned her head ; while Bob was busy. emptying a bottle of
port wine into the pocket of Mr. Pundit's plum-coloured coat,
as he was conversing very earnestly with Miss Young, and en-
deavouring to persuade her to take a glass of wine, which she
with aifected juvenile bashfulness, was declining.

" Look at — puff — Brindle's — puff — tail — puff," said Walter to
Miss Bodger ; "he's got a — puff — tail — puff. Ha! ha! ha!
Those voung dogs — puff — have pinned a — puff — cloth to his —
puff— tail— puff— puff."

" Oh vastly entertaining, no doubt," replied Miss Bodger ;
" 1 wonder you don't get rid of that filthy habit of ejecting
sm.>ke ; it is a propensity so disgustingly offensive to any but the

2 F

210 THE PILGRIMS OK THE THAMES

little-minded follower of it, that lam surprised decent people
should tolerate it."

" Well, now — puff" answered Walter, not at all affected by
the remark, " I have — puff — heard — "

A scream from Mrs. Bodger, and a smashing- of plates, an-
nounced that Mr. Brindle had stepped back unconsciously into a
quantity, which the last-mentioned lady had been gathering-
together, and drew from her a flood of invective upon his unfor-
tunate propensity.

Sprightly, who was lying, ' a la Hamlet,' at the feet of Miss
Azure, laughed heartily at this mishap, and drew a retrospective
review of the events of the day, with so much humour, that Miss
Azure felt highly amused.

" Poor Pundit/' he smilingly continued, " looked horribly
rueful after the emetic, and our grinning friend grew grave.
Here's Brindle, in using his glass too freely, is breaking his

plates, and "

" You are spilling your wine/' interrupted Miss Azure ; —
" gracious me, look there," she exclaimed suddenly. Sprightly
turned his head, and beheld his uncle, quite overcome by the
intense heat, fast asleep under a tree ; while the elder Miss
Brindle was dressing him in a shawl and bonnet, the property
of Mrs. Bodger ; and Flourish, with some flowers and grass at
the end of a cane, was tickling the old gentleman's nose, who
every now and then rubbed the part affected, exciting the jocu-
cularity of Smerke ; which Miss B. the younger, giggling
mightily herself, endeavoured ineffectually to repress.

Mr. Azure, who would attempt nothing sprightly after his
failure in his leap from the boat to the shore, kept " drinking
gin with great spirit," as Tom Buoyant observed ; and Mrs.
Azure, who had a leaning to that pellucid liquid, waited with
some patience to receive a portion , which, after seeing the de-
parture of four or five glassfuls down his thirsty throat, she
doubted the attainment of, and therefore made a snatch at the
bottle, which came readily into her possession from the unsus-
pecting, unresisting hand of Azure ; but, as she unfortunately
expected the reverse, and did not intend to carry on the attack,
meaning the snatch merely as a hint, the consequence was, the
bottle fell with some force, broke, and distributed the liquor
upon the parched and thirsty turf. This accident was to Azure
one of frightful importance ; for the only pleasure he had tasted
on his trip came from that bottle. Here, in an instant, he saw
the cup of bliss dashed from his lips ; he had been but little
pleased during the day — he expected much less gratification for
the remainder : all this flashed like lightning through his brain,
and, turning to his wife, he gave vent to a tremendous exclama-
tion, loo horrid for " polite ears ;" and, contrary to his usual
custom, added to it a quantity of words — " You've done it, you

I.\ SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 211

greedy old hag-, you huve ; 1 wish 1 hadn't come ; I didn't want

to come, you know 1 didn't ; and if 1 don't go may L be ;"

and off he started.

" My dear, 1 couldn't help it," replied his wife ; " you know
I couldn't ; it was all " arid she followed.

" Mr. Buoyant, you haven't seen my Swallow, have you ? "
asked Mrs. Brindle of the punster.

" No, ma'am," answered Buoyant ; " \ was too much engaged
with my own dinner to notice how much you eat."

" How much I ? Ah, you mistake my meaning1 ; — I

spoke of my son."

" Your son is in the shade of that tree ; I fancy I saw him
leave the Budds for the trees," cried Buoyant, delighted at
having an opportunity to pun.

Mrs. Brindle walked to the tree, and for an instant peeped
over, but saw sufficient to make her dart forward, with a shout,
and seize her son, who was in the act of devouring, with all
possible swiftness, a jam tart, and dispensing frugally portions of
his plenty to Flourish's dog ; who sat eagerly watching for the
proffered bits, which, like angels' visits, were " few and far be-
tween ; " and, as Buoyant described it (for he followed Mrs.
Brindle, and, looking over the tree, saw the whole affair), every
piece from Swallow to Snap was snapped up and swallowed by
the dog, who sat there bolting with all his speed.

" Ha ! you naughty boy/' screamed Mrs. Brindle ; " give me
the tart ; " you'll kill yourself, you greedy little glutton, you
will — you good for nothing," &c. &c. She was about to inflict
coercion, when Buoyant restrained her.

" Nay," he observed, " do not look so sour about a little
tart ; the young colt is only a trifle Brindle-/?zW. Nay, don't
strike him — you know a blow is sure to bring on a breeze."

Mrs. Br.ndle refrained.

il There," said Buoyant, leading the weeping Swallow from
h s mother, " young gentleman, you were on the eve of being
caned ; and, even if you were able to bear it, your mother is
not brute enough to do it."

M.fcs Bodger overheard the last speech of Buoyant, and she
did not fail to give him her opinion of it.

" How happy you must be, Buoyant," she exclaimed.

" Why ? " he asked.

"Oh," she laughed, "there is no need to ask why. How-
ever, as you really are the victim of such ineffable stupidity, 1
will enlighten your dull brain. You must find a great pleasure
in giving birth to those immeasurably abortive attempts at wit,
or you would not put the kindness of your acquaintances to so
painful a test ; and if such extremely slight trifles, lighter than
air, can i give you joy great as your content/ why you can have
nothing to create sorrow ; therefore, you must be happy. You
verify the old proverb, ' Trifles please little minds/ '

212 THF, PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Ob, you are too flattering'," bowed Buoyant.

" You don't say so ; indeed," sneeringly, smilingly, uttered the
pungent petticoat, as she curtseyed.

The smashing of the plates, the screaming- of Mrs. Bodger,
the breaking of the bottle, the outcry of Mrs. Brindle, the tricks
of the Miss Brindles and Flourish, and the " Ha ! ha ! ha !" of
smiling- Smerke, had the effect of rousing- Makemoney from, as
Miss Young- observed,

* Tir'd Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep ! '

quoting- her eminently great ancestor ; Complaint, Night 1.

The rousing- and rising- of Makemoney caused a simultaneous
movement in the whole party ; they gathered tog-ether, in hopes
that something- would be proposed to make the " visit pleasant."
Makemoney, upon discovering that he had been decked in the
garments of a lady, testified for an instant some surprise, but
finding that it was " only their fun," entered into the feeling
with great good humour ; and, after a little ' badinage,' a stroll
was proposed and agreed to. Off they started to Richmond
Park ; leaving Mrs. Azure and Mrs. Bodger to take up the
fragments and replace them in the baskets, which they lost no
time in doing. The watermen, who had waited at a short dis-
tance, had been presented with a good " blow out," and were
now called by the two ladies to remove the hampers to the
boat.

" Here, you one hied gunner," elegantly exclaimed Mrs.
Bodger, " just drop that bottle, will you ; its like your impe-
rence to take other people's lush without asking ; you're cheap
at nothing, and no gammon."

" Vy, you see, marm," replied the monocular Charon, " I was
werry thusty, and I knew your good natur wouldn't let you say
no if I axed you ; and so you see I thought I wouldn't trouble
you to say yes ; you see "

" Humbug — precious humbug," replied Mrs. Bodger ; " come,
shoulder the hamper and trudge."

The man obeyed grinningly ; for he had taken a long pull at
the bottle before he heard, or rather would hear, the lady's
command to " drop it."

Mrs. Brindle succeeded in stowing away the things very
nicely and compactly. She took much trouble in so packing
them that they would not run much hazard of breaking ; yet
she feared that they would riot go safe, for the cord which had
bound them so firmly on their passage here had been taken by
the boys ; therefore, she cautioned the men several times to be
careful in carrying them. They shouldered the baskets, and
Mrs. Brindle, with some trepidation, watched their departure :
she feared some mishap — a presentiment of evil oppressed her,
and in a few seconds it was verified. The one-eyed gentleman,
in the height of his jocularity, regardless of any impediments

I\ SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 213

King- in his path, trudged forward, chuckling- to himself with
pleasure at the success of his impudence —

"They canst not say hut I hail the rrown —
I WHS not fool, as \vell as villain — "

when — dire misfortune — his toe caught an unseen stone, and he,
and hamper, plates, dishes, glasses, knives, and forks, were scat-
tered in grievous disorder upon the grass. Mrs. Brindle and
Mrs. Bodger screamed in concert, and spontaneously rushed for-
ward ; but, alas ! they reached the spot only in time to pick up
the pieces. Upon seeing- the extent of the destruction, Mrs.
Brindle stood motionless with horror ; scarcely a thing was
whole ; fragments were strewed in all parts. The man was
least damaged : he arose, and for a moment shook himself, as if
to ascertain whether any bones had followed the example of the
plates ; but finding that not to be the case, he set the hamper
up, and then sat down upon it, crossed his arms upon his knees,
and, rolling his one eye over the devastation, coolly contem-
plated the effects of his disaster ; at length, he exclaimed,

" This is a rummy go."

Mrs. Bodger was of an irascible temperament : had the pro-
perty been her own she could not have felt greater anger than
she did now ; for a moment her rage had taken away her
speech ; during which space of time she watched with astonish-
ment the movement of our unfortunate water wight ; when
" This is a rummy go ! " burst on her ear. Her passion now got
the better of her prudence ; had the consequences been ever so
frightful, it would have been of no consequence ; bursting with
rage unutterable, she darted forward to the man. " Rummy
go, is^it ?" she shouted, " there, take that \" and she bestowed
upon him a tremendous smack on the side of the head, which,
with terrific velocity, placed him again among the broken
crockery ; and with considerable satisfaction did she survey the
effects of her gift. " There, there !" she muttered, with great
enjoyment. Up bounded he of the one eye, with deeply crim-
soned cheek, and a horrible sing-ing in the ears, which lasted
him a week : upon gaining- his feet, he advanced speedily, with
clenched hands, to Mrs. Bodger.

" Hallo, old gal ! " he vociferated ; " what's that for ? "

But we will spare our readers the colloquy that ensued.
Mrs. Brindle, growing- terribly alarmed that a battle would take
place, separated the belligerent parties ; and, telling the man
she would be at the loss of the crockery, sent him with the few
things that were saved to the boat, rubbing his tingling cheek,
and giving utterance to many and various names.

We must now turn and follow the strollers. Miss Young and
Pundit had found so much pleasure in each other's company, that
they paired off ; Miss Azure and Miss Bodger did the same;
Flourish, Sprightly, and Smerke.kqH together, and Make money,

214 THS PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

who had strolled with them, was suddenly found wanting- : they,
therefore, commenced a search for him ; Buoyant followed the
perambulations of the Budds and Swallow, according to a wish
expressed to that effect by Mrs. Brindle, but on seeing that
lady approach, he advanced to her, resigned his charge, and
underwent the infliction of a minute's history of the affray from
Mrs. Bodger, who accompanied Mrs. Briridle; he laughed much
at hearing of the blow ; asking if she gave it him in the wind ;
and, saying she did right " to pitch into the tar," left them.

The whole of the party were now rambling, in different parties,
in different parts of the park ; the motives inducing this separa-
tion were various ; on the ladies parts the desire of meeting with
gipseys was the principal one, therefore, the two Miss Brindles
sidled off. Miss Young tried all in her power to quit Mr. Pundit,
but he was not to be shaken off, and she was compelled to give
up all hopes of having her fortune told ; she, however, turned
farther from the rest of the party, indulging a faint expectation
that he would join them and leave her to the opportunity of
learning whether, and when, she should have a husband, &c.
But Mr. Pundit had found a person who professed great reve-
rence for the ancients, and he indulged himself by giving excerpts
from authors whose existence Miss Young had never heard of
until now. The names of Phocy tides, Isocrates, Epicurus,
Antoninus, Theophrastus, Theognis, Archytas Empedocles, &c.
&c., were * all Greek ' to her ; but the hope of being able to
quote her illustrious ancestor, and the supposition that they
might have been almost equally great, induced her to listen with
some patience, and thus employed, they wandered through the
park, the enjoyment of which oberration, Pundit declared was
excessive.

Mrs. Bodger quitted Mrs. Brindle, and sought her daughter,
whom she took from the company of Miss Azure, ' to have a go
at the lines in her hand by the gipsez/ and Miss Azure finding
herself thus deserted, joined Sprightly, Flourish, and Smerke,
and accompanied them in their search for Makemoney ; they had
not strolled far, when the voice of a gipsey dealing out fortune
and happiness struck on their ear, and the voice was accompani-
ed by a laugh, which Sprightly, in an instant, knew to be Make-
money's. " By all the Gods in the Mythology," cried he,
" there is my uncle having his fortune told. — Hush ! hush !• —
softly — gently — we'll unkennel the old fox — this is what he
gave us the slip for, is it ?"

A slight opening in the trees presenting itself, Sprightly and
Flourish struggled to gain first peep, while Smerke stifled the
4 Ha ! ha ! ha !' that rose to his lips ; the opening being of suffi-
cient size to enable the two to see without being seen, they gazed
with unfeigned delight upon the scene ; there they saw M*>ke-
money leaning his back against a tree, while a young black -eyed
gipsey with his right hand in her possession, was telling him

,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 215

all that nearly and dearly concerned him — the past, present, and
to come.

" Here," she exclaimed, looking him steadfastly and roguishly
in the face, with as bright and black a pair of eyes as ever laugh-
ed from underneath the long silken lashes of a Castilian beauty ;
" Here, I see/' said she, " in these lines, much that tells of good
fortune ; you had prosperity in your business ; you were born
under Jupiter, which is a lucky planet; the stars decreed thy
fortune, and their prophecy is fulfilled, am 1 right ?"

Makemoney nodded.

" Jupiter did not enter the house of Venus till long after your
birth ; you have gdued wealth ; you have obtained fortune ; you
sought for it ; have it ; but you have not searched for a heart ,
not men's hearts, for those your money will acquire for you ; but
a woman's heart you have not looked for, and you yet remain
alone — am I right?"

Makemoney looked peculiar, as he nodded.

" Ha ! ha' ha!" swallowed Smerke.

" I know it," she continued ; " but there is a heart in store
for you ; one which will cleave to you through weal and woe ;
she is a dark beauty, and it rests with yourself to be happy with
her for life."

'* Nonsense, you rogue," chuckled Makemoney.

11 By heavens ! she means herself," whispered Sprightly to
Flourish.

" Very like it," was the answer ; " it is to be hoped she will
not prevail on your uncle's soft susceptibility, and lead him
astray !"

'* Deluding idea," uttered Sprightly.

"Ha! ha! ha!" smothered Smerke.

" Have 1 seen her ?" asked Makemoney, and looked full into
the flashing eyes of the gipsey ; now- it is no joke to look into
such eyes, particularly when the owner is returning the gaze
kindly, brightly, and meaningly ; Makemoney felt * all overish,'
and —

" You might hear the beatings of h.s heart,
Quick, but not strong."

" You have," softly and hesitatingly replied the girl.

" Um ! I have, you little rascal, eh? and will you not tell me
where, you bright eyed Egyptian pearl, eh ?" asked Makemoney
tenderly, and we think — mind, we only think, he squeezed her
hand.

" Ye gods ! my uncle grows affectionate," said Sprightly,
" this will never do. Hallo! there's another," he cried, as a
second gipsey, accompanied by a boy and girl, stole up to the
tree against which Makemoney leaned, without attracting the
old gentleman's attention.

" Your worthy nunkey," said Flourish, "will never be able to
withstand the united attacks of those dark eyed damsels. I thin1

*216 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

we had better interpose, and save him from their gentle fascina-
tions."

"Ha! ha! ha!" choked Smerke.

" I must appeal to you, as a lady, to advise us what course
why, where's Miss Azure ?" enquired Sprightly, interrupt-
ing" himself on missing- the lady.

Neither Flourish, or Smerke, could tell ; but an object mov-
ing- through the trees at a short distance, caught their eye, and
just stepping a few paces, discovered Miss Azure being led by
the little gipsey girl, to learn her fate, they supposed of some
older branch of the fraternity.

"Oh, hang it," cried Uprightly, "let her go; we must in-
terrupt this insinuating demoiselle, or there is no telling what
my uncle may be induced to do."

They again sought their hiding place, arid saw Makemoney
chucking the girl under the chin, and evidently growing very
delighted and very excited.

" The case is growing desperate," said Sprightly ; " we must
disturb them — we have no other course — our philanthropy will
not suffer us to remain neuter."

" Decidedly not," answered Flourish ; " however it may grieve
us to act so peremptorily; besides," he concluded, with mock
gravity, " it is all for his good !"

" Undoubtedly," laughed Sprightly.

'• Ha ! ha ! ha !" gurgled Smerke.

But they were spared the cruel necessity, by a sudden crash
and a piercing shriek. They rushed from their place of con-
cealment, and discovered, close to the .^pot, Mrs. Brindle, with
out-stretched arms, preparing to catch Master Joe Budd, who,
followed by his brother, had climbed a tree in search of a bird's
nest for Master Swallow ; he mounted a branch which age had
withered, although the spring had kindly decked it with a few
green sprigs, and, not being of sufficient strength to retain him,
crashed — broke — and deposited him, with tremendous violence,
in the arms of Mrs. B., who also had not sufficient strength to
bear the weight ; consequently, she and Joe were scattered on
the ground in an instant with " lightning's speed." There she
lay. Master Bob, who had not reached the branch, gazed with
affright on his brother's leaving the bough (as Tom Buoyant ob-
served, who, not being far distant, was attracted to the spot by
the scream) — and wisely and quickly descended the way he
arose ; wThlie Master Swallow, with a pot of jam which he had
purloined from a basket, gazed on his prostrate parent with the
same cool indifference that he had seen " the Budd leave the tree."
He had his pot of jam safe, which was all he loved or cared
for.

As we have just now observed, there lay Mrs. Brindle and
Joe, until they were ass'sted to their feet by Sprightly and
Flourish, who forgot, for a moment, Makemoney's situation in

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 217

the accident which just occurred ; but, on ascertaining" that nei-
ther Mrs. B. nor Joe were hurt, only *•' uncommonly frightened,"
they turned to seek the old gentleman, and just caught him
giving money to the gypsies, and sending: them away.

" Aha ! ho ! ho ! my good uncle," shouted Sprightly ; te is
this why you departed from our presence so stealthily, eh ? —
Fairly caught. Ha ! ha ! ha ! "

Makemoney turned hastily round, and discovered that the
whole party were assembled ; for the scream of Mrs. B., which
was long* and piercing, had brought the whole pack around him :
for a moment he was quite disconcerted, and saw no way of es-
caping the jeers of the party.

tc What ! " exclaimed Pundit, " Mr. Makemoney in operta-
neous, colloquial consultation with an oneirocritic ! — lam almost
obmutescent. ' Soothsayers, interpreters of dreams, and all
who pretend to a knowledge of the dispensations of fate, are
low, base, cunning impostors/ said Chrysippus, and Ennius tells
us, that * Augurs and soothsayers, astrologers and interpreters
of dreams, . with [vain pretence to more than human skill, I
ne'er consult and heartily despise.' This, and much more, do
the ancients say, and I fully agree with them."

" Ah," cried Miss Young, " but my revered predecessor says
that ' Old Rome consulted birds/ Now, the citizens of old
Rome were ancients, and wasn't that worse than consulting
gypsies."

Pundit hummed and ha'a'd for a reply.

In the mean time, Sprightly and Flourish kept bantering
Makemoney most unmercifully.

" My dear uncle," cried Sprightly, " what did she promise
you ? what say the stars ? are you to live all the days of your
life, and die when you cease to breathe ? "

" Who is the lady ? " interrupted Flourish ; " is she dark or
fair — brown or white — blue eyes or black — short or tall — thin
or stout — sweet-tempered or Xantippeious ? "

" What's the first letters of her name ? " asked Mrs. Azure.

" Her eyes,

Her hair, her features, all, to the very tone
Even of her voice — "

quoted Miss Azure.

" Did she say — puff — that you should — puff— have a — puff —
partner for — puff — ii-e-fe ? " drawled and whiffed Walter.

" Nay," said Miss Bodger, " a person in the vale of years
like Mr. Makemoney, needs a partner to soothe his descent to
that ' bourne from whence no traveller returns ; ' and it shews
a nice discrimination in him, who has not the impetuosity or the
frailness of youth to precipitate him into the commission of an
act which requires such foresight and forethought ; and there-
fore, with a wisdom peculiar to himself, and a coolness which
great age bestows, he sought for the decrees of fate from one

2 G

'218 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

who knew — ha ! ha ! ha ! — much less about them than he did
himself. Poor Mr. Makemoney ! It is a frightfully weak-
mindedness in females, but in an elderly gentleman — oh, dear —
dear."

'•' Oh, but. they tells liuncommon true/' ejaculated Mrs,
Bodgeiv •

" Humbug- ! " said Azure.

'\H'd ! ha ! ha ! " warbled Smerke.

" Oh, but they does," continued Mrs. B. ; "I'm sure wot they
told you, Sally/' she observed, turning- to her daug-hter, " was
very strange — all about that dark young- man, with the large
•whisker*, taid round hies ; there was no gammon in that, was
there ? — All true — I should think so ! "

There was an universal laugh at Miss Bodger's expence.

If looks were daggers, Mrs. Bodger would have fallen to the
ground,, mortally wounded ; such a malignant, piercing glance
Hashed from the bright black eyes of Miss Sally Bodger.

Makemoney now endeavoured to change the subject, but
Sprightly would not suffer him.

"No, no, my good uncle," he jovially cried, "you must tell
us all she said. Were you not to have a dark beauty, who
would cleave to you through weal and woe? Was she rig-lit ?
eh ? "

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" laughed Smerke. The party joined in the mirth.

'"•' A little rascal that gypsey, eh ? " cried Flourish ; " a bright-
cved Egyptian pearl."

" " Ha f ha ! ha ! " roared Smerke : " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " echoed
the party ; and Makemoney heartily joined.

" So, then," he cried, " you heard "

'*' A trifle, so I believe," replied Sprightly.

"Indeed," exclaimed Miss Bodger ; "a noble employment
for gentlemen" — and she laid a particular stress upon the last
word — " that same eaves-dropping, truly."

Both gentlemen, made her a low bow, and Sprightly observed,
with much irony, — " I shall certainly come to you, my dear
girl, for absolution ; for your keen perception of what is proper,
your strong- mindedness, your unprejudiced view of circumstances,
induce rne to believe I could not find a being more worthy of
being' my absolver of sins."

" There/' cried Buoyant, " how can you steel yourself againt
his irony."

Miss Bodger felt her colour come arid go ; she bit her lips, and
tried to laugh it off, but unfortunately made a dead failure ;
which Sprightly observing", felt almost sorry for what he had
said, and endeavoured to remove the attention of the party from
her : observing, " But, my dear Miss Bodger, you forget all this
while we are suffering- my uncle to slip through our fingers;
rpnjc, sir/' he said, turning- to his uncle, " your mystery — your
1 '• I cry."

IX SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 219

%i Well, if 1 must tell you," replied Makemoney, *l why, of
course "

" Oh, certainly, oh, yes, do, do," cried the party.

" Well then, she told me, would you believe it? — that — but
it will not interest you."

" Oh, yes, yes, it will, it must," exclaimed the party, whose
curiosity was much excited.

" Well then, she said, — ' There's ne'er a rogue in .ill Den-
mark, but he's an arrant knave.' — Ha ! ha ! ha ! — would you
have believed it ?"

•'Oh, shame — shame — nonsense/' the party exclaimed.

At this moment, Makemoney suddenly began searching" his
garments ; he thrust, first his right, and then his left, hand into
his coat pockets, and rummaged unsuccessfully ; the curiosity of
the party was again excited ; he patted his pockets again, and
again, then took off his hat and looked into it, but fruitlessly,
and he ultimately exclaimed — " It is gone ?"

" What was gone ?" was the general question. " His hand-
kerchief!'' This loss created much merriment.

" My ighs !" suddenly shouted Mrs. Bodger, who was con-
templating her pocket clock ; " why, I'm blessed, if it arnt seven.
o'clock ; so, if we're agoin to have any tea, we'ed better git it at
wonce."

This was generally agreed to, and in about a quarter of an
hour succeeding, they found themselves ensconced comfortably
in the large room of the Star and Garter, and a tea equipage,
with all its apparatus and appendages, arranged in prime taste
before them ; everything was g*ood, and every thing was nice,
and as those little disclosures at dinner had prevented most of
the members eating as heartily as they would otherwise have
done, they made up now for the deficiency by doing perfect
justice to all before them; this meal seemed to be enjoyed by
every one, more than any thing eke which had occurred during-
the day ; they laughed, joked, drank, smoked, chattered, and,
indeed, seemed quite happy, when a powerful stopper was clap-
ped upon their mirth and enjoyments.

As might be expected, the offsprings were the springs of the
accident we are about to relate : it will be remembered that Mrs.
Brindle complained that one of the boys had purloined the cord
which had fastened the hampers ; a portion of this line still re-
mained in the possession of Master Joe Budd, who suddenly
conceived a great affection for Flourish's dog, but as the dog was
not singular in his attachment, he roved from person to per-
son in pursuit of whatever eatables they might bestow upon
him ; this roving disposition created a desire in the youth- to
restrain him by some more powerful means than any hold on his
affections, which might have been obtained by him at the ex-
pence of sundry large pieces of provision ; he, therefore, doubt-
ing the strength of the animal's attachment, attached the said

2*20 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

cord to the dog's neck and to the handle of the tea-tray, he then
threw a piece of cold meat to the animal, which tell w'ithout the
distance which the cord allowed him to reach, and the conse-
quences were, that in making a violent bound, he drew the tea-
r:ps *nd saucers, basons, plates, tea-pot, &c., &c., from the
. :o.o to the ground. The crash, the din, the screams, the hor-
rid clatter, was frightfully stunning ; in an instant, the landlord,
followed by a tribe of waiters, maids, strangers, &c., filled the
room, to ascertain the cause of the uproar ; and what a scene
presented itself! the floor was strewn with the demolished tea
things — chairs and tables here and there, and the whole room pre-
sented one mass of disorder : the various members of the Pic-nic,
mixed in glorious confusion, were loud in their ealls for
vengeance upon the* delinquent ; very few had escaped some
grievous effects of this disaster; poor Mrs. Brindle, as usual,
suffered most ; that horrid disease of the nerves, ever rendered
<ier suspicious of some evil ; she saw the tea things on the wane,
without knowing the cause ; she had not a second look, she
stretched out her arms to stay their fall, and received cups full
of tea, plates of bread and butter, &c., &c., in her bosom, with-
out the satisfaction of saving one from destruction. Mrs.
Dodger had a quantity of cream poured into her lap; her lavender
t.ilk dress was, therefore, spoiled, and her outcry upon the dis-
covery was outrageous. Pundit was just sipping a cup of tea,
vhich was too hot to drink, when the bound of Buoyant, to
•.scape the falling' mass, caused a collision, which jerked the
/hole of the burning liquid into his face and neck ; while Azure
iiad the tea-urn popped suddenly into his possession. He instant-
r/ discovered that it was c too hot to hold,* and immediately
rlaced it upon the ground, with what might be termed a good
throw : directly he had disposed of it thus, he commenced
quivering both hands with great rapidity in the air, then squeez-
ed them against his body with his arms, and then bowed himself
to the ground, or rather, we would hay, curtseyed, only the
speed with which he committed the act, might render it doiibt-
: 1 us to the truth of the term ; he accompanied his ' bobs ' with
the hurried and angry exclamation of — " I wish I hadn't come
— 1 didn't want to come — dolt, dolt, dog, fool, to come — won't

.e any more — never!"

The two Miss Brindles had the contents of a coffee biggen

own over their white dresses, which were not improved in

itcness by the occurrence ; in truth, the whole party, more or

, suiiered by the catastrophe ; and their reflections did not

1 to increase the happiness or welfare of the offending Budd :

•ildren were universally voted a bore, and in the last case

venile fiagrancy, flogging was deemed highly necessary ;

;ever, as no one offered to put the general wish into execu-

, I aster Budd escaped the castigation he so well deserved,

»vuuld, otherwise, have received. The broken tea thing.*

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 2'2l

were removed, and fresh ones'substituted'; peace was restored,
and the meal finished ; it was now getting near nine o'clock,
and it was, therefore, thought high time to leave the Inn and
proceed to the boat : this was done, and every one, without the
slightest accident, got safely into the vessel, and found them-
selves comfortably situated in a commodious pleasure barge.
Universal satisfaction was expressed, and, when the bustle was
over, the beauty of the night attracted particular attention : the
moon was shedding1 the silver glory of its cloudless splendour
over the blue landscape, — it was at the full ; charming" as moon-
light nights had appeared many times preceding this evening,
yet they had never seemed to all in the party so beautiful : the
air was still and quiet, and the existence of a faint breeze was
only discovered as it slightly cooled the cheek it kissed : every
thing seemed imbued with a loveliness surpassing description";
and those who gazed upon its charms felt powerfully

" Nature, how beautiful art thou ! "

" Well, Pm blessed if it aint the beautifullest night I was
hever hout hin," observed Mrs. Bodger, who was the first to
break the silence.

" Yes/' replied Sprightly —

" Night is bare
From one lonely cloud,
The moon rains out her beams, and heaven is overflowed.'

<f Beautiful ! exquisite ! " fervently exclaimed Miss Azure,
who, in the present instance, really felt what she said ; but she
must quote ; the propensity wa£ too strong to be resisted ; and,
after expatiating on the glory of the moonbeams on blue waters,
she spoke of the moon, " broad, and round, and bright," and
its

' Light, through summer foliage stealing;
Shedding a glow of such mild hue,
So warm, and yet so shadowy too,
As makes the very darkness there
More beautiful than light elsewhere."

This drew from Miss Young a quotation from her relation.
Here was the misfortune of Miss Azure's love for quoting ; she
never gave lines from an author ; but Miss Young found means
to give something from her illustrious, &c. ; or, if the latter was
the first to quote, Miss Azure followed with something from
somebody.

" Oh," cried Miss Young, " this lovely moonlight gives us
all delight. Ah, how divinely my great ancestor wrote on
night, and he says in his Seventh Night what we may see now :

"A crystalline transparency prevails,
And strikes full lustre through the human sphere."

" How beautiful Kew Bridge looks by moonlight," chimed
in Makemoney.

THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

tl Beautiful ! beautiful ! '' echoed the- party, who were grow-
ing* rather tired and rather sleepy : in fact, be it known, to the
happiness of the adults, the youths were already soundly locked
in the arms of Morpheus.

" I wonder," cried Sprightly, " if we shall see the ' white
lady of Kew ! "

" Who is she ? " inquired the ladies.

" A ghost ! " replied Sprightly, and laughed.

" Mercy on us ! " muttered the ladies, and shuddered ; " we
hope not."

" I don't like ghosts," said Mrs. Brindle, .softly and timidly,
as if she was afraid one would hear her.

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " grinned Smerke.

" Oh> but 1 can assure you," urged Sprightly, "that this is a
most sweet, gentle ghost."

" What is it all about, Jem ?" asked his uncle.

" I'll tell you," answered his nephew. " One evening, such
an one as this, 1 was induced to hire a boat, and enjoy an hour
or two upon the water. I came up here — it was rather later
than this- — and, in gazing around me, 1 fancied 1 saw, at no in-
considerable distance, something white gliding, like a small
cloud, upon the surface of the water: I communicated what 1
saw to the waterman, and uttered a supposition that it was a
white vapour or exhalation from the water."

" ' Lord bless you, sir,' said the man, and almost seemed to
shudder, ' that's no. mist — no, no. That's the while lady of
Kew, — the Lord of Heaven rest her soul.'

" ' And who is the white lady of Kew ?' 1 asked. At that
very moment a low plaintive melody was wafted along the bo-
som the of waters by the breeze, and ^ruck with a peculiarly
mournful beauty on my ear. I listened intensely, but it soon
faded and died away.

" ' There, sir,' said the man, ' that's the song her lover used
to sing to her ; and now she sings it for him.'

" He then told me the whole story, which is not long ; and,
if you wish to hear it, 1 will tell it in my own words."

" Oh do, do," was the general cry.

" In the time of

" Hark ! hark ! " interrupted Mrs. Brindle, whose nerves were
horribly strained ; " don't you hear music ? — There — there —
hush ! "

A low sound came floating on their ears, very like mu-
sic certainly. Mrs. B. was convinced that this was the " white
lady."

" Look there — see — " cried Miss Azure ; " there is something
white moving, 1 declare. Oh, heaven, defend us ! "

" Oh ! o — oh ! " almost shrieked Mrs. Brindle,

Every eye was stretched upon the spot, except Mrs. B.'s ;
and hers were buried in her handkerchief upon her lap. It was

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 223

very extraordinary — there was something" white moving1 upon
the water — it neared them — Oh, it was only a sailing-boat, with
some persons in it sing-ing " Jack Robinson."

"How particularly unromantic," cried Sprightly.

" But how relieving/' ejaculated Mrs. Brindle, as a deep sigh
of relief escaped her.

" Proceed with the story — now with the story," was the out-
cry of the ladies, faintly echoed by Mrs. Brindle.

Sprightly bowed and proceeded. — " At the beginning of the
fifteenth century, there dwelt on the banks of the river, at Kew,
a man, who gained a scanty pittance by ferrying persons across
the river in his boat ; occasionally he took some persons, who
felt a pleasure in the scenery, up and down the river 'for an
hour's enjoyment ; but this seldom occurred, as, if he felt no de-
sire to go, no persuasion could induce him ; neither fair words,
or glittering gold, had any effect upon him ; when he did go,
he would take no more than one or two persons with him, and
then accepted no remuneration; he was a lone man. At that
period, there was no houses nearer to his hut, on his side of the
river, if I may so express myself, than the convent at Isleworth,
then just built ; and down the river the little village of Puttelei,
or Puttenheth, now called Putney ; nearly opposite to his hovel,
on the other side of the river, was the house of a sea captain ;
thus he lived remote from society, and had no further intercourse
with it than what his ferry produced ; from whence, how, or
when he came, many conjectured, but none knew. Here he
was, and that was the only positive knowledge to be obtained.
He was known by the name of Friedel, the ferryman, and that
was all.

" One beautiful nig'ht he seated himself in his boat, and rowed
down the river a short distance, and then suffered his boat to
be borne by the tide, while he ceased rowing, and gazed upon
the scenery around him,

11 ' This paradise,' he exclaimed, ' oh man ! is thine ; all this
beauty is given thee for thy happiness, and how dost thou abuse
it ; oh, God, must this loveliness be changed by the unsparing
love of '

" His attention was caught by something floating on the
water — he rowed towards it, and found a large basket covered
with a dark cloth ; he pulled it into his[boat, opened it, and dis-
covered a beautiful child in a sweet calm sleep ; he started in
horror, i/ Oh, Cain, Cain, how terribly thy curse has fallen upon
us,' he bitterly exclaimed ; ' poor child, hath thy mother so
changed her nature from what it should be, that she should
doom thee to a death so cruel ? but why should I doubt it ?' arid
he laughed in scorn : ' has not my heart been withered by one ? —
but, no matter, it is past. Woman, beautiful as thou art, thy
universal mother's frailty is a clinging, blighting curse to thee !

224 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

thou cans't not eradicate the evil implanted in thee, by her fall
from purity, and man must still gaze on thee— and perish !'

" A low, faint cry from the child, awakened him from his
reverie, and throwing- the cloth carefully over it, he pondered
an instant what to do with it.

"'\thad been happier for thee had'st thou have died, poor
helpless innocent/ he cried ; * but thou shalt not perish, for
thy mother's heartlessness — No ! I'll foster thee, cherish thee,
and teach thee the speciousness of all thing's beautiful, but the
lovely world man labours so much to destroy/

<• An old woman, who dwelt in Puttelei, and who was in the
habit of crossing the river, now came to his memory, and he deter-
mined to place the child with her till he was old enough to live
with him ; with this intention, he rowed down the river till he
nearly reached the village, and fastening his boat to some trees,
he proceeded to the woman's house ; he knocked and gained ad-
mittance ; he produced the child, to the astonishment of the old
dame, and begged of her to take charge of it ; the child, which
was now exposed to the bright light, Friedel saw was of great
beauty, and he felt a something creeping over his heart which
seemed to breathe to him — ' this pure thing shalt thou foster and
cherish, and he will twine round thy heart and love thee, and
be to thee a sunbeam in the gloom of thy loneliness/

" Friedel, in early years, had dwelt in wealth and happiness ;
his family were noble, and the possessors of extensive estates on
the Rhine ; he sprang from youth to manhood rich in the pos-
session of a noble open nature, and a love for all mankind ; he
was kind and affable to all, and won the attachment of all
around him, but none seemed to idolize him, as did a foster
brother, who was the son of a vassal on his father's estate, and
' kindness begetteth kindness,' so Friedel returned his affection
warmly and sincerely. They were ever together — united by the
strongest ties of fraternal affection.

" On a neighbouring estate, dwelt a baron, a widower, with
one fair daughter, who was —

' A creature to adore
No Irss than love, breathing out beams,
As flowers do fragrance at every pore.'

" Is it to be wondered that Friedel, who had so large a portion
of affection for his fellow beings, should, upon seeing one 'more
exquisite still,' feel for her that love which makes a paradise of
a desert ? 'Love,' Plato beautifully tells us, ' showers benignity
upon the world : in its presence all harsh passions are hushed
and still, it is the author of all soft affections, and the
expeller of all ungentle thoughts ; it is the parent of grace and
delicacy, of gentleness and delight, of persuasion and desire ;
the ornament and impulse of all things — the best — the love-
liest!'"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 225

" True," interrupted Pundit, " Epicurus says — ' Love is
esteemed for the happiness it can bestow,' and * without love/
says Lucretius, * there would be nothing- charming-, nothing-
amiable I"

" Gammon !v cried Azure, half-tipsey, " nothing- like gin !"

" Ha ! ha! ha!" shouted Smerke.

" Oh its sweet to be loved/' quoted Miss Azure, with the
flushed cheek of one who felt what she uttered ; " love is the
highest and dearest gift of the Deity, it is sweet from all — and
to all."

" The sense is ravish'd, and the soul is blest I"

" As my illustrious antecedent says," screamed Miss Young.

" Proceed, Sprightly, with your story/' said Flourish, " or
" he checked himself, he was about to utter a rudeness.

" Well/' continued Sprightly, " one evening', Friedel com-
municated his passion for this maiden, to his foster brother, and
commissioned him to bear his letters, and woo for him, but alas !
he too soon discovered, that —

" Friendship is constant in all other things,

Save in the office, and affairs of love,

Therefore all hearts in love use your own tongues."

his foster brother, who was possessed of great personal beauty,
was, also, of a susceptible nature, and the blaze of this creature's
rare charms blinded him, as his, did her ; Friedel found, with an
anguish ' too deep for tears/ that she, who had plighted her
faith to him, and swore to love him beyond all earthly things,
had forgotten her vows, and wedded, notwithstanding his mean
birth, the foster brother, who had not remembered — that he was
destroying every hope of happiness in him, who had raised him
from a rank earth to bloom on a fair soil.

" Friedel stood a blighted, broken-hearted man, his dreams of
future bliss were crushed in this frightful reality, and he who
had cherished a love for all his race, now turned on them his
withering hate : every thing seemed imbued with a horrid in-
gratitude, but the bright and beautiful nature, which ever
laughed, beneath the sun's warm smile.

" ' Man ! man ! for whom this lovely world was created, who
should have attuned nature's beauty to his own happiness, hath
cast it from his heart and placed the canker ' self there as the
idol he would worship/ were the last words of Friedel, as he
quitted his father-land for ever.—' Farewell, we meet not again,
the ties which bound us are severed — the shaft hath sped from
the hand of one, for whose truth, I would have pledged body
and soul ; and she — she was false — the lesson is a bitter one, and
is graven on my heart, with a depth, that no time can eradicate ;
I leave ye for ever — Ye ! who shonld have made this home my
Elysium ; ye shall not look upon the wreck ye have made here ;'
and he struck his breast with violence. ' Farewell, thou beauti-

2 H

•226 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

fill land of my birth ; thou sunny scene of my unclouded early
days ; thy brightness now scorches my sight ; I turn on thee my
last look — I quit thee for ever/ and the hot tears rolled down
his sunken cheek, as he gazed long and earnestly o'er the bloom-
ing, glittering land, he should never more behold.

" He sought the shores of England, and fixed upon his present
home, as one best suited to his misanthropical feeling : as one
which could be, when he desired it, a solitude ; and, yet, one
in which he could see enough of society to feed his scorn.

" Seventeen years elapsed since his discovery of the child, and
he still dwelt on the same spot, and with him that child, who
had sprung up into a handsome, manly youth, rather dark com-
plexioned, with dark hair, a forehead open, as the thoughts it
was the home of ; full, expressive eyes, straight nose, well made
lips, which, ever and anon, parted, displaying a set of even white
teeth, a face slightly inclined to roundness, and an expression
of noble ingenuousness playing over the features, which blended
them, and completed the head, his form was slight, but well
made, and there was an air of gentleness, hovering over him,
which was calculated to excite an interest in ' gentle eyes/

" Friedel had watched and tended him from infancy, and culti-
vated and directed his mind to the possession of every virtue ;
but, at the same time, he endeavoured to instil into him, a doubt
of the truth of all human creatures ; which, his adopted child
could not feel, for there is a freshness in youthful feelings, that
tones things and actions to its own perceptions ; and Alfreyd,
(so Friedel had named him,) would not, or rather could not
credit the existence of a deceit and heartlessness, which he did
not feel, and which he had never seen practised.

" I have before mentioned that nearly opposite to his hovel
was the house of a sea captain, who was a widower, his wife,
whom he had loved dearer than aught else in the world, who
had from his playmate in infant years, sprung up into the loving
girl, and thence to his devoted wife ; had died in giving birth to
a daughter, during a voyage he made to Holland ; he returned in
time to see all that he thought worth living fof , placed in the
grave : his grief may be conceived, not described, language was
ever too feeble to express pangs which must be felt to be known ;
had the child not have lived, the same grave would have con-
tained the wife and husband ; but he could not leave that child
to bloom, or fade, as fate might direct, without a friend to rear
and tend it, and so he lived on, and his daughter grew from the
infant into the smiling affectionate girl ; every day she became
more like her mother, and her father, who had believed he would
never feel a joy again, saw with increasing pleasure, his tender
bud ripening into a beautiful blossom.

" Being accustomed to cross the river frequently, Friedel was
well known to him, in truth, their dispositions assimilating, a
sympathy was excited, and eventually a friendship subsisted

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. J2/

between them ; thus Alfreyd became the companion of Mary
Asphodel, the daughter of the captain, and when two young
hearts are ever together, to seek their joys and pleasures, have
the same hopes and fears, in common, share the same good and
evils, both beautiful, and as innocent as they are beautiful ;
who should wonder that they were to each other, what they
could never be to aught else?

" Years fleeted by as happy years will fleet, to make us won-
der that we are so old. Alfreyd was more than a boy, and
Mary was ripening into woman, and yet, there was something so
young, so fresh, in her looks, you would wonder that she could
ever look less youthful.

" Mary Asphodel was one of those rare productions of nature,
more often existing in imagination, than in reality ; all that was
loving and loveable, seemed centred in her : she was a sun burst
on the clouded world ; the one bright flower on a herbless waste.
The brightest star in heaven's glittering diadem never emitted
sweeter rays than did the gentle blue eye of Mary Asphodel ;
never was the sweet name of sunny smile, more fully exempli-
fied, than when her small delicate lips curved tenderly expressive
of some joy she received, the tone of her ever kind voice trem-
bled o'er the heart, like the memory of some rare melody, known
and loved in early and happy days ; her long fair hair fell caress-
ingly down her shining neck, and her slight, wavy, graceful
form confessed her one of nature's faultless models.

" A maid,

That paragons description, and wild fame ;
One that excels the quirks of blazoning pens,
And in the essential vesture of creation,
Does bear all excellency."

quoted Miss Azure, interrupting Sprightly.

" You'll do, Jem, you'll do," cried Makemoney ; " yon
should write a novel ; I've published many, that used to have a
great deal of that sort of nonsense."

" Nonsense !" scornfully echoed Miss Bodger, who felt
some interest in the story, and had cast an eye of kindness on
Sprightly.

" She must have — puff — been a — puff — de-vil-ish nice — puff
— girl," — puffed Walter.

" 1 should liked to have known her," said Flourish, pulling
up his collar.

" Oh, but she only liked 'ansome chaps," observed Mrs.
Bodger.

" Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Smerke.

Buoyant bit his nails, he couldn't think of a pun.

" Oh, go on, go on, Mr. Sprightly •" cried Mrs. Brindle, who
longed to hear all about it.

A pause succeeding Mrs. Brindle's entreaty ; Sprightly pro-
ceeded with his story . —

228 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" As Mary Asphodel possessed as much kindness as she was
beautiful, it may be expected, that she looked with a favouring
eye upon one, who was devotedly attached to her, who had been
brought up with her, whom she had been taught to love, and it
is possible she might have required no teaching on that point ;
however, be that as it may, they were deeply in love with each
other ; that sweet, pure love, which knows no worldly distinc-
tion, which makes each — the other's world, wherein is contain-
ed all their joy, their brightness, their happiness ; wherein no
outward circumstance has any influence to brighten, or depress,
without affecting each equally ; a sympathy, which, like a pure
stream, is coloured by the object, reflected in its glittering
bosom; the sweetest, the most innocent — but no matter, they
loved each other deeply and tenderly ; they were never happy
apart, and never apart when happy ; though ever together, they
were never tired of each other's sweet society ; the few hours
which nightly parted them, found them restless, till the morrow
should bring the light of each other's countenance to them ;
they ever found a new joy in meeting, and a thousand little ways
to beguile the time happily, besides gazing in each other's eyes,
which, ever and anon, they did, till all things visible faded, and
melted, away, and they would tremble, and almost faint, with
too deep happiness, and when the sweet moon smiled tenderly,
and serenely over the dreaming earth, in the warm and beautiful
summer time, then, would Alfreyd steal from his home, and
crossing the river in the boat, hasten to the dwelling of Mary,
and in words, deep and earnest, would implore her to float on the
river's silvery bosom with him ; and a few faint refusals and
blushes \vere all prostrated before the kindness, which could
never deny a pleasure to any, much less to one, for whom her
gentle heart beat so strongly ; and then, as they glided calmly
and quietly over the bright waters, would be heard the rich voice
of Alfreyd, singing the following words : —

Mary, the moon doth tint this stream,

With her own sweet, silver hue ;
Each glitt'ring star pour's forth its beam,

From the canopy of blue ;
The wind hath rocked the flowers, love,

To a sleep most light and free ;
Yet, I look not on their beauty, love,

I but gaze alone on thee,

Mary!

Mary, 'tis said that other lands,

Have sunnier streams than this ;
Which boasts bright gems, and golden sands,

And flowers too fair to kiss.
There is a charm, they fondly tell,

In every flower, and tree ;
Which in no other clime mav dwell ;

Ah ! they have no flower like thee,

Mary !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL.

" Thus happily glided by their hours ; but, alas ! its bright-
ness was doomed to change, the sunniest day is succeeded by a
clouded morrow ; and these two guileless creatures were fated
to endure the painful reverse of the happiness they were now
enjoying ; Mary's father had observed the attachment between
her and Alfreyd. with much pleasure; he had watched the
progress of the latter almost from infancy, and had never seen
any tendency to vice in his disposition, on the contrary, he had
ever found him gentle, kind, and possessing a nice sense of
honour, which Friedel had inculcated, and had discovered no
necessity to enforce his precepts; Alfreyd, in all his acts, ever
developing an extreme fineness of feeling. Thus Asphodel
knowing Friedel's story, and his intention of providing well for
Alfreyd, conceived that his daughter in marrying Alfreyd, would
unite herself to one every way worthy of her, and who would
protect her when he had sunk into the grave ; he, therefore,
promoted their affection, and looked forward, with a pleasurable
anticipation, for the day which should unite them ; but all hopes
and wishes are vain, and our best intentions are unhinged, and
frustrated by the most unlooked for occurrences.

" It was the custom of Mary, three times in each week, to
visit Puttelei, for the purpose of procuring for the house every
thing necessary in the domestic way, Alfreyd usually attended
her ; but on the evening we refer to, she was alone ; she was
skipping along joyous and lightly, anticipating Alfreyd to pop
from behind each tree she passed, when she overtook two men,
who, by their garb, appeared to hold some rank in society ; she
turned her head to see that Alfreyd was really not one of these
persons, and an exclamation of surprise, but more of admiration,
burst from the stranger's lips.

" < By our lady/ cried one, ' that is the fairest damsel my
eyes ever looked on ; a gem almost too bright for a monarch's
crown/

" ' Aye/ returned his companion, scornfully ; ' a diamond
truly, but one in the rough, a rustic damsel, whom a well filled
purse, would make as kind as she is pretty/

" ' Bah !' returned the first speaker, ' do not measure the
virtue of our village maids by the purity of your German fail-
ones : believe me, the sun, which ripens your vines, and warms
your women into such kindness, is not so potent here ; our
women trust more to their eyes and hearts, than to the influence
of his solar majesty, but by the mass, I'll have some words
with yonder beauty, spite of who shall say me nay / and he
quickened his speed, shouting at the same time — i Ho, damsel
— Ho, pretty one — so ho — Ho !'

" His companion looked with more interest than he cared to
own, upon the beauty of Mary, and he therefore kept pace with
his friend, determining to have some share in the conversation ;
but Mary who had been taught to shun all such strangers as

230 THK PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

these when alone in her journies to market; on finding- the stran-
gers rapidly approaching- her, and calling- her, felt terrified, and
harried forward as fast as she was able, until a turning- in the
road hid them from her view; the pathway leading- to the ferry
was encircled by trees, almost forming- a wood ; and she seized
the opportunity, darted swiftly among- the trees, and by a route,
known only to herself, and Alfreyd, gained the ferry ; the stran-
gers on losing sight of her as she turned the road, redoubled
their speed, and quickly gained the spot where she had disap-
peared; but found no trace of her ; they however still kept
along the pathway, which was winding and intricate, and ulti-
mately they reached the banks of the river without meeting
with her ; the first stranger looked along the banks of the river,
and searched round the trees which bordered it, in vain ; the
lady was not to be met with, while the German, casting his
eyes on the river, perceived her in a boat with a youth, nearly
on the opposite side ; noting the house which stood on the bank,
he concluded instantly that she dwelt there ; and he resolved
to pay a visit, to confirm his conjectures ; he turned to his com-
panion and said, "Your fair country-woman has outwitted us,
we shall not discover her now, so it's useless to waste time
here, let us begone.

"< By my mother's kindness; and that's a good oath,' returned
h,s friend, ' I would give the best purse-full of golden marks
in Christendom to have a loving* glance from those exquisite
eyes,' and he sighed and gazed, in vacancy, most pathetically.

"<Ha! ha! ha!' laughed the German, 'your rank, fair sir,
without your purse, will buy you scores of most loving glances
from fairer eyes, and richer dames than the damsel we have
lost/

" ' Bah !' returned the stranger, and quitted the spot, followed
by the German.

" Some few days elapsed, when Mary, on a most beautiful
evening, quitted her home to meet her lover ; it was in May,
nearly the end of the month, when the air was scented by the
hawthorn and wild flowers, which grew in profusion, and decked
and spangled the ground with their wondrous beauty ; and the
birds whistled as they flew from branch to branch of the trees,
with which, at that period, the banks of the thames were clus-
tered with ; every thing teemed with a glory-surpassing descrip-
tion ; Mary felt her heart light and happy as she gathered some
wild flowers the rarest and most delicate she could cull to form
a nosegay for him, who to her, was the one world — the all — the
everything ; and her cheek glowed as she thought of the deep look
of joy, his sparkling* eyes would beam upon her when she
presented him with her little gift; and foolish as it may seem to
those who cannot understand, and therefore cannot appreciate the
feeling ; she trembled, and panted, and sat herself down amid
the sweet flowers to tranquillize her beating heart: she placed

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 231

her hat beside her, and leaning- her head against the tree she
was sitting* under, closed her eyes to gaze upon beautiful ideali-
ties ; a footstep near her made her unclose her eyes, and she
almost shrieked as she saw the dark eye of one of the strangers,
the German who had followed her few days since; she sprung"
from her seat, and would have fled, but the German caught her in
his arms, and held her forcibly.

" ' Nay/ he exclaimed, * whither so swiftly fairest, I will not
harm thee — by Heaven, I love beauty far too well to breath a
sting- upon it, nay, tremble not so violently, foolish one, — 1 cannot
harm thee.'

" ' Unhand me, 1 entreat you/ cried Mary, ' I know you not —
suffer me to depart, I implore you/ and she strug-g-led to free
herself from his arms.

" ' Not so easily, my gentle one/ returned the German, ' pro-
mise to meet me again, and thou shalt depart ; swear to me that
thou wilt. Fll seal the pledge on thy vermeil lips/ He
attempted to kiss her : she uttered a most piercing shriek ; and
some branches were torn aside, and Alfreyd rushed to the spot,
he sprung upon the German, and Mary, uttering a cry of joy,
threw herself into his arms, while the German, enraged at
being thus thwarted, drew his dag-ger, and was about to plunge
it into the breast of Alfreyd, when the voice of Friedel, who
had witnessed the whole affray, cried fiercely ; 'hold!' at the
sound, the German turned his head like lightning, and in an in-
stant, uttering a bitter cry of recognition, darted from the spot :
while Friedel gave a faint cry, and _stagg*e ring back a few paces,
fell senseless to the ground.

" Alfreyd and Mary flew to his assistance, and in a few min-
utes he recovered, and cast his eyes wildly round, as if in horrid
anticipation of meeting some blighting thing, but seeing nothing,
he became more composed, and observing the questioning look
of Alfreyd and Mary, he stayed them, and begged them to ask
nothing, think nothing, — forget it all ; he motioned them to
leave him, — they obeyed ; and when at some distance, they turned
and saw him on the spot with his arms folded and his eyes fixed
upon the ground.

"Friedel was aroused from his abstractions by Asphodel, who
evincing great agitation, questioned him earnestly.—' Friedel/
he cried, ' you have told me you discovered Alfreyd in a basket
floating up the river V

" ' Well/ uttered Friedel.

" f Was there any token — any trinket, in the basket ?' asked
Asphodel.

" * Why, yes/ replied Friedel, * a bauble to encircle a lady's
arm, such as this — I have ever worn it on my person, for it re-
sembled minutely one — oh, God !' and a recollection, which
brought a pang' with it, seemed to convulse his frame.

" « Ha ! ha ! that is the one, great heaven, I thank thee/ cried

23'2 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

Asphodel, energetically; 'I may now atone for my crime!
Know, Friedel, that some twenty years since, I brought a German
and his lady from the Rhine to England ; on the passage some
trivial neglect incenced this German, and he struck me a vile
blow, I would have laid him dead on the instant at my feet, but
the thoughts of my sweet wife, who then waited my return,
flashed like lightning through my brain, and on the instant, I
determined to be revenged in a surer way, and one that would be
fraught with less danger to myself; his young and beautiful
wife had an infant —

Friedel recoiled a few paces.

" l Nay, hear me to the end/ continued Asphodel ; 'this child,
I stole from its mother, while sleeping, and placing it in a basket,
made water tight, with the bracelet, also taken from its mother
that it might form a clue to the discovery of its family, if found,
which I firmly trusted it would be, though not by its parents, 1
committed it to the tide ; the mother, on missing her child, became
distracted ; all her servants, all the crew, and myself, were
interrogated with a closeness, which, had my revenge been less
powerful, or my actions less secret, must have discovered the
whole truth ; but judge of my feelings when I learned that the
lady, who was good and gentle, whom my heart smote me to
hurt in any way, had never smiled again — that the loss of her
child, added to her husband's unkindness, had, in two short days,
killed her ; oh, how bitterly, dreadfully was she avenged ; on
my return to my home, I found my wife, whom I loved better
than all the world, my beautiful — she — she was dead ! from
that moment the world has been a blank — a chaos, from which
nothing joyous, or more horrible can spring into being !' He
was silent, overpowered by his feelings, Friedel sympathized with
him, but the excitement this tale had produced, gave his
curiosity the spur, and induced him to break the silence.

" * Then Alfreyd/ he observed ; ' is the child you

" ' Yes, yes/ answered Asphodel, ' he is that same child, and
but now his father passed, in seeming excitement and
agitation/

•' ' Oh, heavens/ burst forth and interrupted Friedel ; ' how
was he attired ? — what his appearance ? — answer quick/

" Asphodel described him.

" ' Ha ! ha ! ha !' wildly laughed Friedel ; why this is well-
very well ; I have fostered the child of one false as water ; and
of my bitterest foe ! Oh, brave world, that makes the dog lick
the hand that strikes him/

" ' What mean you V asked Asphodel, in astonishment.

"' That I never knew pain, but by name/ bitterly returned
Friedel; 'until that shameless, treacherous villain, Alfreyd's
father, forsooth ! blighted me — beggared my hopes — made me,
from one of God's happiest creatures, the thing I am ; but I am
revenged ! — poor Aldine, thou mig'htest have shared a hap-
pier

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 233

A scream — long", loud, and heart-rending-, so piercing, so wild,
that one's hair might have turned grey at the sound : burst upon
their ears, and sent their blood rushing back to their hearts. A
moment's pause, and it was repeated ; simultaneously they
rushed to the spot from whence the sound proceeded, and beheld
Mary struggling violently in the arms of the German, who was
exerting his whole strength to drag her from the place. The in-
stant they appeared Mary shrieked and burst from his arms.
* Oh, father! — Friedel!' she franticly cried, 'they have mur-
dered him — Alfreyd, look, see, help him, oh, Almighty God ! let
him not perish. Hear me, hear me/ Like lightning their eyes
followed the direction in which she pointed, and they saw two
men masked at no great distance from the shore, cast the body
of Alfreyd, covered with blood, into the river ; in an instant,
Friedel sprung upon the German. — ' Bloody, remorseless tiger,'
-shouted he, ' thine hour is come : see, 'tis I, thy foster brother,
slays thee ; this, this, for thy goodness ;' and he plunged a dag-
ger, up to its hilt, in the bosom of the German ; who struggled
fiercely with him, and who, upon receiving the steel in his heart,
uttered a deep groan, and fell upon the ground ; while Friedel
still kept firmly hold of his throat. ' See, see,' he shouted,
4 how sure is retribution ; thou, whose life has been one long
career of villainy ; thou, who hast destroyed my peace ; broken
thy wife's heart; and murdered — aye, foully, cruelly murdered
— thine own child !' — The German started fearfully, and convul-
sively, as Friedel thundered the last sentence in his ear ; and
with one strong effort, he disengaged his throat from Friedel's
grasp, and feebly uttered, ' Nay, loose thine hold ; a few minutes
and I shall be dust ; but say that, was not my son ; I came but
for the maiden, he would thwart me, cross me — oh, hell, this
pang, — it is not my son ! — I have no son — he died years tince.
Ha ! 'tis false,' he screamed, ' a vaunt see, there he beckons — I
— I — curse ' the blood gurgled in his throat ; his eyes roll-
ed horribly ; then became fixed, and he fell back dead !

" Friedel gazed upon him long and silently : he then exclaim-
ed ( All is over, my misery has found its end ; fate has done its
worst ;' he turned to Asphodel, who sat with his face buried in
his hands, in a state of deathlike stupor ; while at his feet lay
Mary insensible ; he lifted her head from the ground, parted her
fair hair, and looked sorrowfully on her face ; ' Poor frail
flower,' he said, 4 what hast thou done, that thy young heart
should be crushed by this load of agony: 1 had hoped that thou
and, and — what, tears ! I have not wept for long, long years,
'tis fit I should weep ; and now they are gone again, and my
eyes are dry as fire ; oh, how cold — how dreary — joyless, will
this world be to thee ; Mary, thou, who wert all trembling
gentleness ; who hast ever had all the brightness — summer of
life glowing round thee ; shall suffer now its most terrible re-
verse ; it will destroy thee — thou must perish, the sweet, slight

2 J

234 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

flower, the sun smiled upon, the dew watered; and the faint
wind kissed ; that dwelt in a world of light, when the fierce
storm has smote the earth, it has broken, destroyed, swept it
from home, and it perishes ; canst thou survive this storm ?
No ! thou must die, this completes my sum of misery. Farewell,
hapless maiden, I may never more behold thee ; I did not dream
we should sever thus ; thou hast twined round my heart with
him, like the young, green ivy round the withered oak ; thou,

and he, the only things that ever loved me — to but it must

be so, I stand alone, a withered, and a withering thing ; blighted,
and where I come, blighting ; why did not this sear my brain
ere now ? Ha ! ha ! ha !' there was an icy hollowness of tone
in his laugh, that was horrible ; he bounded from the ground on
which he was kneeling ; and letting Mary fall heavily, rushed
from the spot, never to be seen, or heard of more.

"Mary was restored to life; but not to her senses, her mind was
quite gone; she would wander for hours, days, through the woods
and fields in search of Alfreyd : and would enter the boat, and
trust herself on the river, in vain search of him ; while she sang
the song she loved to hear him sing, in so low a voice, a tone so
full of woe, of utter anguish, that the tears would force their
way into the eyes of stern men, when the sound fell on their
hearts ; a few months passed away, and one evening, she was
seen on the river in the boat, and her song was heard, but the
boat was discovered, next morning, some distance up the river,
empty — she was drowned !

" When the painful news reached her father, he pressed his
hands to his brain, and staggered to a chair, in which he fell
stone dead ! — his heart had broken.

" Their fate had caused much sorrow to those who lived near
them, and known and loved them, and many were the tears,
which were shed for Mary, who, it was said, was to be seen in
the calm arid clear moonlight, floating in a fairy boat, and heard
to sing, in a plaintive voice, the melody which sounded sweet,
and yet sorrowful, as it was wafted o'er the water, and many a
peasant has crossed himself, and offered up a prayer, as. in passing
the river's edge, he has heard the gentle tones of the ' WHITE
LADY OF KEW."

Sprightly was silent, and the party, therefore, supposed the
story had concluded ; at least, Buoyant said as much; the story
teller received thanks of those who were not asleep.

They now reached Blackfriars Bridge, and the gentlemen,
nearly all of whom were asleep, were roused up, the whole of the
party then landed, shook hands, parted, and in an hour or so, were
locked in the arms of Morpheus, being well contented, taking all
things into consideration, with their excursion a la PIC-NIC !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 235

CHAPTER XL

MAKEMONEY'S invitation to Charles Turf, Esq., to dine with
him in London — accepted by the latter. Continuation of
the interesting adventures of the Match-girl; strange,
but true. Love letters ; or, rather bargains of a Smithfield
character — Vice reduced to a trade, and beauty a market-
able commodity ; but face painting not amongst the faults
of the Match-girl. The dangers of fascination — FLOU-
RISH'S opinion and dislike of very beautiful women — some
truth connected with his remarks. A female without a
heart — yet not devoid of susceptibility — a touch of the
pathetic — the afflicted father, fond mother, and inconsi-
siderate son — grey hairs still respected. Greatness of
the Match-girl! Introduction of young RENTROLL, a
country gentleman — a neck-or-nothing sort of personage —
all to-day, and let to-morrow provide for itself. — A mas-
querade visit ; or, how to pay off old debts. Dangerous
to be safe. Prowess of the Match-girl — the sprig of qua-
lity reduced beneath the rank of a commoner — revenge
sweet. No security in disguise, or, I am not what I seem
to be ? The bailiff's in the dark — a scene in a lock-up house
— the amorous man-woman — One might be hanged as well
for a sheep as a lamb. HOLDFAST in error — astonished
— the secret unravelled — therefore, " go it," and finish the
spree ; it will amount to the same thing one hundred years
hence ; — but " all's well that ends well."

" THE ghost story, or rather, the ' White Lady of Kew/ " observed
Makemoney, — "I am ready to admit is, of a very interesting-
nature ; hut yet, I should like to hear another chapter respecting*
the match-girl — there is so much life attached to all her
movements/'

" I am equally anxious to hear it," replied Sprightly, " and if
you send an invitation to Charles Turf, Esq., to dine with you,
the affair is accomplished at once ; nay, more, we shall have him
all to ourselves, and under your own roof. Besides, we are in-
debted to him for his hospitality in more than one or two
instances."

" Say no more, my dear nephew" answered Makemoney, " I
regret it has never occurred to us before ; but better late than
never ; I will send to Turf without delay, as my messenger shall
not return from him without an answer."

" 1 second the proposition," urged Flourish, " time flies in the

23f> THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

company of Charles Turf — his method of relating- anecdotes is
the most delightful I ever heard."

Charles Turf immediately acquiesced with the request of
Makemoney, and a more splendid dinner could not have been
provided for any gentleman. Makemoney, respecting" his din-
ners, was one of the most liberal creatures alive. The cloth
being removed — the wine going round briskly, and the Pilgrims
in high spirits, /Flourish addressed Turf, — "My dear sir, my
friend Makemoney has been talking about scarcely anything
else, since he heard you relate the singular adventures of the
match-girl ; therefore, if it is quite convenient to you to proceed
with another chapter of her memoirs — I am sure delight will be
the result, and no one will feel it more than your humble
servant. I am sure you will not hesitate."

" I have not the slightest objection," replied Turf; " but I wish
to premise, that in order to prevent any idea arising in your
minds, of exaggeration on my part, I will deliver nothing else
but ' a round, unvarnished tale', respecting the beautiful, but de-
praved Charlotte Partridge. Yet I have to regret, that her
adventures are not in better hands ; for, according to the biogra-
phers of the late Dr. Johnson, he was extremely fond of taking
women of the town to taverns, (in company with his friend
Savage, the poet), whom he casually met with in his nightly
strolls, and listen to their histories with great patience and inte-
rest ! but the ' Colussus of Literature', when he moved in better
society, or rather company of a more moral description, be-
came proverbial for his gravity and good conduct, and related
nothing else but propriety at the ' table of the Thrales,' burying
his former midnight sprees in oblivion; or else, the world,
might have been benefitted by some penetrating sketches
of female frailty — their origin — and cause — tending, as awful
lessons towards the improvement of mankind in general.

" The se^-importarice which Charlotte possessed, astonished
me/' said Turf; " and it was quite ludicrous to witness some of
the highest born men in the kingdom — and some of the proudest
also, who valued themselves on their rank and station in society,
succumb to her sneers and ridicule, when she reproved them for
addressing her in a way that she did not approve of. She had no
individual respect for persons ;* and maintained her ground with

* A celebrated French Duke, distinguished for his gallantries in all the coun-
tries he visited before the revolution in France, and quite promiscuous in his
amours ; also immensely rich, but in meanness, equal to the veriest miser ; and
sooner than open his purse strings, he would shuffle off without paying, if he
found a convenient opportunity. During his first visit to the house of a well
known courtezan in Italy, he wished to quit her establishment without complying
with the usual terms, and when pressed closely on the subject, he attempted to
get off by boasting of his rank in life. " I am " said he, " the Duke of * * * *"
"Very likely you are such a person," answered the courtezan, "I shall notdis-
jnite it; but under the circumstances you entered my house, it is immaterial to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. '237

the most consummate assurance I ever beheld : presuming1, I ap-
prehend, upon her great personal beauty."

" It has often occurred to me, though 1 do not mean to boast
of much experience," said Flourish, "that beautiful women are
so much in love with themselves, that they have scarcely any
left — nay, none at all for any other persons. I dislike your very
beautiful women— flattery being- so much their idol, that they
positively doat, and live upon it, and are selfish to the extent of
the phrase; but when calculation, gain, and coldness are annexed
to it, and the face and form are reduced to a sort of merchandize,
and the best bidder can purchase it. Such a female must be de-
void of a heart, and can only be denominated, the mere outline
of a woman. But these are the sort of women who generally
have it all their own way — can threaten and command — delude
— ensnare — and ruin men with the most perfect finesse and
indifference — therefore, my dear Makemoney, old as you are, I
speak it without offence, and you, Sprightly, invulnerable as you
boast to be, — have a care of all match-girls, say I, ha ! ha ! ha !

Beauty is a witch ;
Against whose claims, faith melteth into blood.

" I have" said Turf, " some curious copies of letters which
were addressed to the match-girl, and will serve to show the
bartered feelings of some men, respecting women of a peculiar
class in society, which I will read to you : —

My dear girl,

Your lovely figure, fine form, and admirable beauty of person, —
in short, the taut ensemble delights me ; but I hate writing — talking,— or making
what is called, love. Therefore, if you choose to jump into a carriage, without
hesitation ; enjoy a capital house, furnished fit for a princess, without any trou-
ole ; a carriage that will make all the women in the Metropolis sigh to have its
parallel—and a purse well filled, at your command, only say, Yes\ and the bargain
is concluded. I would not write so much to an Empress. Now or never ?

From your admirer,

To Miss Partridge. *******

To which epistle, she wrote the following answer to the no-
ble Lord , a person whom she detested.

My Lord !

What a mistake I have made, a most egregious blunder ? In
my eyes, the term of beast would be far more appropriate. I am not to be bought
and sold in a land of liberty ; I am no slave. More words are unnecessary, except
to state that I despise your ugly person — and your gold, (although I am fond,
very fond of the glittering ore) has not the weight of a single feather with

CHARLOTTE PARTRIDGE.

me whether it is the Duke or his coachman, my demand must be discharged.
However, I will just give your Grace a gentle hint upon the subject, and then you
will decide as you think proper." She immediately rang a bell, when three or
four bravoes appeared, with stilettoes in their hands, with countenances of the
most murderous aspect. " Yes," replied the Duke, " I am perfectly convinced
you are now in the right, my good lady ;" instantly paid the charge, and felt glad
to depart in a whole skin.

238 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

P.S. — If you send any more messengers to annoy me with your proposals, they
shall be horse-whipped ; and if you dare, in person, to approach me, beware of
the consequences, for I have a rod in pickle, even for a Lord. So let this hint
suffice — beast !

The following- letter is from an old general, who was terribly
smitten with the match-girl : —

•' My dear girl,

I am an old soldier, and to command has been hitherto

my forte, however in this instance, I leave the command in your hands. But fighting
has been my trade, instead of making love. Therefore, anything like fine words,
or complimentary phrases, you must not expect from me. The FORTRESS, I am
quite aware, is of the most magnificent description ; but a long siege will not do
— offer liberal terms of capitulation — surrender without delay — and you shall have
no occasion to find fault with your admirer,

To Miss Partridge GENERAL — — -"

To which, the match-girl sent the following1 laconic reply ; —
" My worthy and respected old general,

I honour your laurels, and I love

the brave, but this time, victory is out of the question ; therefore, my answer in
the military phrase is — to the right about ; quick ; march :

From your humble servant,
General . - CHARLOTTE PARTRIDGE.

"I rather think, Charles Turf/' said Makemoriey "that you
must have been a great favourite with Miss Partridge ; for you
appear to be acquainted with all her secrets in life: ha ! ha! ha!"

" Nothing- more than a friend, I assure you," replied Turf; " I
am in her confidence it is true, owing to a circumstance which
occurred in the early part of her career, I was her adviser upon
that occasion ; and she has never forgotten it — and owing- to
that kindness, as she termed it, she has been very communi-
cative to me ever since.

" Quite platonic!" urged Flourish, with a smile/' and you,
Mr. Turf, of all other men, know the extent and meaning- of the
\vo*d, friend, with a lady of her description.

" I will take the word of Mr. Turf, that it was truly pla-
tonic" said Sprig-htly, " and were it otherwise — kiss and tell of
it, would never suit his book of life ; gallantry forbids it. But
he has previously told you, that he would * nothing extenuate/
and I return him my thanks for the simple, straight-forward
manner in which he has related the adventures of the match-girl,
without identifying himself at all with them, the great fault of
too many story-tellers — but I hope he will now proceed without
any interruption.

" Charlotte was quite the rage with those sort of men who are
continually on the look out for a new face in the public walks
of the Metropolis ; in consequence of her character having run
before her that she was a Gay woman. Persons who prefer the
company and conversation of such females, to the retired and
modest community ; yet nevertheless it might be difficult to class
them under the head of admirers — lovers — keepers — or gallants ;
true, perhaps, that one or two of them felt something like love

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 239

for the ci-devant match-girl ; others inclined to purchase her
favours — yet most of them ready to deceive and outwit this
splendid piece of frailty !"

" But never was the adage more the fact, in this case, ' that
which went in at one ear, went out at the other,' she laughed in
her sleeve at all of them ; although she listened to the tales of
every one of the gallants, with the utmost politeness, yet artful
complacency ; and, however, strange but true, Charlotte might
be deemed a chaste woman, as to her feelings — the mere statue
of a female — the exterior and fine form of a woman, that
could not be excelled. But for warmth of disposition, or a
soul inclined to love, were entirely out of the question. Char-
lotte had not the slightest touch of it in her composition. She
could listen, listen, and listen again, to the most animated decla-
ration of attachment made to her by her admirers, with as much
indifference as a bill of the play ottered to her for purchase. It
was this sort of coldness of character that enabled the match girl
to triumph over all her suitors. Her secret, an invaluable secret
to a woman of this description, she kept inviolably to herself:
this was the great danger to men who were fond of her company
— they could not pluck out her mystery!

" Charlotte was all affability and condescension, she never
refused a present, great or small, offered for her acceptance — and
became quite an adept in pointing out in any of her visits to dif-
ferent jewellers , or other shops, where expensive articles of
curiosity were to be met with, which exactly suited her taste
and fancy, in so strong a manner to those gentlemen who were
with her at the time, that her hints could not be mistaken.
From this insinuating mode of conduct, her house was filled
with some of the richest rarities in London. Her magnificent
collection of shawls might have extorted a sigh from the heart
of a Duchess — she had also a happy knack of pointing out to
any new visitor, to render the gift more important, that the

Duke of presented her with that inimitable vase ; my

Lord furnished me also with those elegant mirrors in the

apartments, not to be excelled ; and Sir Henry one of the

most wealthy and ancient baronets on the list of men of rank,
had been kind enough to send her those elegant chairs and sofas,
not to be equalled in the great Metropolis ; but that delightful
creature — her most particular friend, Peregrine Crayon, Esq.
had made her a present of a whole-length likeness of herself,
said, at the least, to be worth £500, but she had refused £1000
for it, and will not sell it for any sum !

Her library, she urged with a smile on her beautiful face,
she was well aware could not compete with the British Museum;
but nevertheless, it had been collected for her by nothing else
but scholars ; and the bindings of all her books were of the
most costly description. Her display of annuals, keepsakes,
forget-me-not's were splendid in the extreme: she also took

240 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

pride to herself that she had not the work of any author which
had been tinctured in the slightest manner with any passag-es
offensive to decency or morality in her book-case.

"'I am not a prude neither/ said Charlotte, with a face as
immoveable as clay, one day in conversation with a very rig-id
out-of-door man, a director of one of the societies for sanctity
and reformation, who visited the match-girl privately ; ' but I
have always been most anxious to obtain a character for acting
correctly in most points of view, knowing- as I do, that the
world is very censorius ; therefore, it is hig-hly necessary that
an unprotected female like myself, should be armed at all points ;
and then you may bid defiance to newspaper writers, tatlers,
and all the gossipers in the kingdom. True, people may be
suspected ; females calumniated ; but when facts are wanting-, and
where evidence cannot be broug-ht into court, then safety is
the result.'

" Charlotte had at one period of her career, a distinguished
literary man in her train, fond of her to excess, and who had
taken great pains to improve her mind, and also instruct her in
the ways of the world. When taxed with visiting- such a fe-
male of this description, he exclaimed with the utmost indiffer-
ence, ' O yes! I do know Charlotte Partridg-e, and my visits,
are merely to become acquainted with character : writers should
view every thing- in life, either g-ood or bad, otherwise it would
be totally impossible for them to communicate to the public, the
dang-erous persons they are likely to meet with in society, under
the g-arb of propriety/ " Therefore, excuses must be made for
being- seen in improper company/ observed Turf, " and accord-
ing- to the old proverb, ' any excuse is better than none.'

" I have often, and often gazed upon her face, with more hant
ordinary delight, beautiful it is in a most eminent degree. NA-
TURE has been liberal, more than liberal to Charlotte, in this
respect, and the sensitive STERNE, who speaks of the monk's
head and face that crossed his path, observing, that no one could
have passed it without reverence, nay, almost worshipped it ! and
although yet the/ace of the once poor dirty, distressed match-girl
might have excited a different feeling towards it, yet it was so
truly attractive, that it brought those persons to a complete
stand-still the first time they beheld her countenance. They
looked again — stopped — another glance — walked on a few
steps — another peep — loitered — turned round again, and again
— lingering look after lingering look — and could scarcely take
leave of it, in the shape of a FAREWELL ! Such were the sensa-
tions felt by those persons who encountered the face of Char-
lotte Partridge.

" But LAVATER, with all the knowledge that he possessed of
the countenances of mankind, would have been puzzled to have
pronounced a decisive opinion on her face ; and Drs. Gall and
Spurzheim equally at a loss to have described it accurately, as

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 241

to the indication of her mind. In fact, OTWAY might have bet-
ter supplied the text.

Who was it occasioned a ten years siege ?
Woman I curst deceitful ! damnable woman.

" Yet it is only common justice to her character to assert, that I
have often heard Charlotte complain of her heart, or rather to
observe, that she had none, « I am affected to tears/ said she,
' at a tragedy ; a tale of deep distress moved me more than I can
express ; and I cannot challenge myself with a want of feel-
ing towards mankind/

" ' I laugh heartily at a farce, enjoy a pantomime — fond of a
bit of fun, and I am attached, that is to say, friendly attached
to several persons of my acquaintances ; and, perhaps, not a bad
friend, where the necessity of the case requires it ; but I have
no heart for LOVE. I do not know what it means. Surely that
is not the fault of my mind ; and it must be a defect in the ana-
tomy of my composition. Therefore, I am aware of the charac-
ter I bear amongst men of the world ; and which will account,
in a great measure, for the various changes I have made in my
life, and the singular connections I have hastily formed, and as
hastily dissolved. However singular it may appear, I admit I
have my likes and dislikes ; but to speak honestly, I never was
in LOVE in the whole course of my career ; in consequence of
which, I have not acted foolishly, neither have I suffered vain
men to play tricks with me, or display tyranny in any shape,
which, what are called fond women are too often exposed to in
life ; nay, more, I do not think that any individuals, gifted as
they might be with the animating, exciting oratory of a Demos-
thenes ; or, the powerful persuasive eloquence of a Cicero
could have moved me, hitherto to have felt the force of love.
Yet I am quite satisfied, from what I have seen of its terrible
effects upon the minds of some persons, ultimately producing
beggary and ruin. Therefore, I have steeled myself against it ;
and you, Charles Turf, have had my secret, which, to no other
person did I ever impart it.

Women you know but seldom fail

To make the stoutest men turn tail ;

And bravely scorn to turn their backs

Upon the desperatest attacks.

According to a celebrated French Author, La Bruyere, who
gives it as his opinion, ' that man is more faithful to the secrets
of others than to his own ; whereas woman on the contrary,
is more faithful to her own, than those of others.*

" For singularity of conduct, I never knew any female half-
like Charlotte Partridge, in my knowledge of society ; she is
particularly fond of out-door company — sometimes proud to the
echo — at others, she will unbend and mix with any sort, almost
the refuse of mankind ; but nevertheless, she will not let any
persons behave rude, or take liberties with her, without resent-

2K

242 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

ing" it in a manner that they do not expect, and which ensures
afterwards respect and attention. Charlotte frequently goes out
without a companion, but never without a servant either male
or female, who have their cue to keep their distance, but to be
within call, when he, or she, may be wanted to attend her home.
And this accounts for meeting" with her at races and fairs by
herself; besides, it answers her purpose when she is without
a protector ! Charlotte considers herself quite at liberty to
enter into conversation with any stranger who presents himself
to her notice ; by so doing-, she gives any person an opportunity
of becoming1 acquainted with her without an introduction. She
also dismisses them without the least ceremony, if they are not
calculated to answer her purpose.

" Charlotte has, in several instances, adopted the language of
Richard to his Queen, when she has got tired of her keepers, or
when their funds were not able to support her high style of living-,
without any feeling- or delicacy — by telling- them that they had
' out-lived her liking1/ and she should quit their company for
ever ! The high tone she assumed, upon all occasions, withpre- ,
suming-, fashionable, young- rakes — nay, she set rank at defiance;
never failed to awe them with her superiority and independence
of feeling, and it also had the desired effect of binding them
faster in her charms : and singular as it may appear, it is never-
theless true, that a number of men admired her more strongly
for this sort of pride which she possessed, by keeping inferior
men, at all events, at a respectful distance ; and if she had not
have been a woman of lax morals, her conduct, in many instances,
might have proved a model, and worthy of imitation.

" The match-girl would often insist upon it that her peculiar
conduct rested entirely upon herself — she had no father living
to reproach her — no mother to cry over her errors — no brothers
to threaten and abuse .her for her behaviour — no sisters to shun
her as a loose woman and an improper character — and no
acquaintance, who could, or dare to take the liberty with her to
call her to account for the mode of life she had adopted ! There-
fore, I have chalked out a line for myself — I mean to play my
cards well, and turn up trumps as often as I can, until I ultimate-
ly win the game. I love money, and I am also ambitious to
rise in the world, which is to be achieved by perseverance of
mind and coolness of disposition, and I feel assured that I pos-
sess them in no common degree. I do not care who knows it,
I love money, vastly — to me, it possesses every charm — nay, I
W7orship it. Does it not produce comforts, pleasures, aye, and
happiness too : there are some few persons who may dispute the
assertion, but I am not of that class of beings, therefore, 1 cherish
to the echo that applauds again — ' a fat sorrow, is better than
a lean one !'

" To become a rich woman is my determined resolution, and
I will never lose sight of any opportunity that can further my

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 243

views to fill my coffers, and elevate my situation in society.
And when I shew the quantity of gold I possess in the bank —
when I display my massive service of plate — sport a splendid
equipage — open my house, next to a palace, (by comparison), for
the reception of company, I shall not want for visitors, and the
question asked will not be — ' How did she get it V And if my
riches do no absolutely wash out what is termed the blot* at-

* It has been argued that there are as many sorts of feelings in the breasts of
different men and women, as variety in fashions ; and it is likewise totally im-
possible to describe them with any thing like accuracy on the subject. The
inimitable POPE, has told us, ' that the proper study of mankind is man :' and
that woman is a riddle altogether , who —

Shines in exposing knaves, and painting fools,
Yet is what e'er she hates and ridicules !

But of all the studies which may cross the path of the student, none are half
so difficult as the study of human nature. Therefore, what might be considered a
blot in the character of some conscientious females, by many others might be
looked upon as a mere speck ; nay, almost spot-less ! a matter of course, a rou-
tine sort of feature, an every day occurrence, according to the old and dangerous
axiom — to ' Get money honestly if you can. But get money!' "That is my
creed," said Charlotte, " a fig for your recording angels, who might be dis-
disposed to drop a tear and blot out my errors for ever ! I value them not ! I
pay no court to them !" The horrors likewise displayed by Lady Macbeth made
no impression upon her feelings---' Out damned spot !' as to reformation in her
character. Her ideas were more in unison with Richard on the subject of a great
name—' They cannot say I was fool as well as rogue !' It is thus, that so many
vicious characters lay the nattering unction to their souls in London ; who, if
they cannot live by honest means, prefer an infamous notoriety.

It is urged-—' That train up a child in the way it should go ; and when it is
old, it will not depart therefrom !' Here the above excellent considered precept,
in the present instance, improperly applied ; may lead to the most ruinous conse-
quences in life, by instilling an avaricious feeling. The match-girl, it should
seem, never forgot, but cherished the bad advice of Mrs. Feelnot, to view man-
kind only upon a decided interest—' to make money by them!' This principle
had been so strongly engrafted upon her mind, that all the sermons ever preach-
ed, advice given to her, remonstrances made on the subject, could not remove, or
overturn it a jot with Charlotte Partridge. The value of chastity was set at nought,
a good name not of the slightest consequence, in comparison, that property must
and would command respect.

True, she might have felt some annoyance that there was a bar to her intro-
duction to some parts of society, who valued themselves on those delightful prin-
ciples which do so much honour to the head and heart, that consoles virtue under
all its difficulties and temptations, with conscious rectitude and unbroken feelings,
though poor but honest, in spite of the rebuffs of the busy world. But the match-
girl's mind was composed of different materials ; and Cocker was not more cold,
or calculating upon all subjects, whenever her interest was concerned, than Char-
lotte Partridge. She could smother her feeling, with as much ease as a banker's
clerk puts his bill book into his side-pocket.

Therefore, in describing some characters, their manners, and conduct, are so
widely different from the general routine of society, that the writer runs the great
danger of being challenged with exaggeration in his portraits of human nature,
and colouring them too highly, when his descriptions can be vouched for as the
plain and simple truth. The learned, and correctly considered Dr. Johnson, had
quite forgotten that he had eaten his dinner once, thrashed his servant for re-
minding him of the circumstance, and was only induced to pardon the man on
being shown the plates and dishes which he had removed from his table, occa-
sioned by the mania of study, to a corner of the apartment.

'244 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

tached to my origin in life, they will nearly obliterate the re-
membrance of it with the stupid, ignorant world— for after all,
what is called ' the world/ are led away and imposed upon by
shew, and I cannot quote any better authority than Shaks-
peare : —

* The world is still deceived by ornament !'

" One of the crowned heads of Russia, I have read, was only
a trooper's daughter : but I need not quote history, nor go out of
my own country to shew wha*t wonders a pretty face can effect,
and what elevation it may lead to, names can be mentioned if
necessary — that a kitchen-maid became the mistress of a prime
minister and a duke into the bargain, the reversion of her charms
also claimed the attention of two others, and with one she made
the grand tour of Europe, and afterwards, became one of the
peerage, as the Countess of -

" Yet with all these freezing, icy notions of . money, 1 must
mention one instance of her generosity, feeling, or good con-
duct ! Call it what you please, but you may rely upon the
fact: —

" A fine young man — all impetuosity and passion, and
thoughtless beyond description, an only son of rather aged
parents, who had been her keeper for a short period ; but who,
nevertheless, had made such a destruction of property, as to
alarm his father and mother for their safety to escape from beg-
gary and ruin. He was so fascinated with the ci-devant match-
girl, that he positively refused to listen to any remonstrances on
the subject from his parents, who had ascertained the cause of
his extravagance and expenditure, that in the paroxysm of the
moment, declared that^ he could not live without her, and that he
would make her his wife. His parents dreading the result of
his fascination — his father, at length, got an opportunity of in-
troducing himself to Charlotte, by another name, on pretence of
business, and quite unknown to his son.

"Upon entering the apartment, and beholding the match-girl,
he was struck with her beautiful appearance and manners, and
felt pity for his son, and almost could have found some excuse
for the infatuation of his poor boy ; but rousing himself from his
surprise and astonishment, with tears in his eyes, he mentioned
to her the nature of his visit, related his fears that his wife and
himself would be reduced to beggary, if not total ruin, if such a

We are rather afraid for the moral part of mankind, that there are too many
females in existence, the exact counter part of the match-girl, without assuming
any thing like cant upon the subject, and until they become, from a change in
their circumstances, hacknied, despised, worn-out, diseased, wretched, heart-
broken, and too late in the day to alter and amend their past lives, feel the
severity, but just remark of the poet : —

Guilt is the source of sorrow ; 'tis the fiend,
TV avenging fiend, that follows us behind
With whips and stings !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 245

connection continued any longer. The appearance of a tine, old,
gentlemanly man, his venerable face, and grey hairs, his eyes
filled with drops of sorrow, his pathos, and the forcible man-
ner in which he represented the feelings of the mother of his
son, had the desired effect.

" The match-girl, although money was her idol, was subdued
in an instant, the tears rolled down her cheeks, and as soon as
she could give utterance to her faultering speech, she thus
addressed him : — ' My good old gentleman, you have touched
my feelings more acutely than I thought you could have accom-
plished ; but say no more, the connection was not of my seeking;
nevertheless, it ends this moment, and your son shall never
be admitted again into this house ! Yes, once more, to hear my
determination, which is irrevocably fixed — that I have more real
respect for his aged parents, than to be the cause of their ruin —
perhaps, their deaths ; therefore, worthy sir, depart in comfort
to your home, solace your wife, and do not act harshly towards
your son, reason with him properly on the subject, point out
his errors in the most lenient manner possible ! He is a sensible
fellow, and I do flatter myself, you will yet find him an obedient,
affectionate son/

<f The old man was lost in astonishment with the extreme
beauty of the female before him, and her delightful form ; but the
good feeling, sense, and mind she displayed, positively electrified
him beyond the power of recital, and he left the house over-
whelmed with joy, yet he could not help mentally exclaiming —
' Such a woman might seduce a bird from a tree ! What an
escape for my poor boy !'

" The match-girl, in one or two instances, was rather unfortu-
nate with her protectors. In a fit of desperation one of them com-
mitted a forgery to a large amount, so distractedly fond was he
of Charlotte ; but the relatives of the young man, to save his
life, though nearly the ruin of the family, raised the sum and
paid it ; but banished her admirer from the country for ever.
' This unfortunate circumstance/ said she, to one of her friends,
who taxed her with it, as being the cause and ruin of the young
man in question : c was not my fault ! I did not solicit his
acquaintance, nor friendship, and I refused, positively refused to
listen to his offers ! But he pressed his suit arduously, and said,
that he would not be denied — nor no denial would he take. He
was quite aware of my situation in society ; but he replied,
that his fortune was ample enough — nay, twice enough to sup-
port me. It was not for me to enquire into his resources, I can-
not find brains for other people ; I have difficulty enough to fur-
nish common sense for myself. But I have always made a point
never to swerve from — I never did — nor never will be, the cause
of men doing wrong to themselves, or families ; however, if they
will sin with their eyes open, the blame rests on their heads, and
not upon mine. I never directly asked a favour of any man in

246 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

my life, and if the men — the lords of the creation, who are wiser,
and know every thing* better than us poor weak-minded females,
will run after us with their praises and admiration respecting"
my person — -pester me with their fulsome, insincere compli-
ments, who swear that I am as beautiful as Venus, a divinity, my
eyes are more billiant that the stars in the sky, and that they will
not exist without me, united with a variety of every day sort of
hackneyed phrases, and string's of lies to gain their ends ! I
would ask, how am I to blame ? Yes ; the scene ultimately
sooner or later changes, when all their money is gone, and de-
sire fled, then I become a demon, a fiend in petticoats, and
every thing that is bad ! Be it so, I am answerable for my own
conduct — ALONE. I think, and act for myself!'

" One of her most violent admirers was a young fellow, called
RENTROLL : and to whom Charlotte seemed more attached
than to any other of her protectors, she had, what she termed —
rather a sort of liking for him ; but nevertheless, Rentroll, like
the rest of her gallants, had only his day. His outline does not
require much difficulty to describe, — he was high-spirited, a fine
and atheletic figure, a manly face, and his countenance full of
animation and cheerfulness. If tuition, and excellent instructors,
could have made him a scholar, he had been long enough at
school to have obtained that title ; but reading and writing were
not his forte ; yet, he could not be set down as an ignorant man.
His taste lay in a different style altogether : he prefered the
field to the closet, enamoured with all sorts of society, and com-
pany was his delight. Solitude, or any thing like it, he deemed
a complete bore.

" Rentroll had spent the great portion of his time in the
country, a distance of two hundred miles and upwards from the
Metropolis — the immense, improving town of Liverpool, was his
native place. His mother was taken from him when quite a
child, and his father died before he had attained his thirteenth year.
Rentroll was an only son, and the sole heir to his father's great
property, one of the richest merchants in that celebrated place
of commerce. He was under the control of guardians, according"
to a strict will made for that purpose ; but long before he had
attained his majority, they found, to their sorrow, that they had
a very troublesome young man to deal with : he was continually
' out-running the constable/ according to the proverb, in respect
to extravagance and unnecessary expenses. He had a very
liberal allowance to live as a young gentleman ; but his spirit
and feelings had elevated him to assume the character of a man
before the term of youth had left him.

"Liverpool, if not absolutely a second Metropolis, as to what
is called life, in all its varieties ; nevertheless, is full of dissipated
scenes nightly, with the sailors and their girls ; the fiddle, harp,
glee-singers, dances, &c., are to be seen and heard at numerous
taverns and saloons in the neighbourhood of Williamson Square,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 247

independently of saloons and several theatres. In the above
respect, London does not equal it, and Wapping is a mere shadow
also, for splendid rooms and lively amusements.

" Rentroll was a hero at all of these places, and distinguished
for his sprees and fun at most of them ; and whenever he ' was
at fault !' or detected in an error — e How much to pay T soon
put it all to rights, and his character was a good fellow ! He
was the life of all his acquaintances, and scarcely ever said, 'No !'
to any proposition made to him. He made several trips to
Dublin, and enjoyed all the amusements which that splendid
city affords to the visitor, who possesses a gay turn of mind. In
fact, his life might be said to be one continual round of pleasure.
His days passed away briskly ; his nights merrily ; and time
never loitered upon his hands. Sailing- up and down the Mersey,
hunting-, coursing-, shooting-, with the races at their annual periods,
Chester, Liverpool, &c., he never missed attending- ; and, from
one thing- to another, kept Rentroll always upon the alert.

" The long-looked for, nay, much wished for day, at leng-th
arrived, when, according- to law ; obtained the title of MAN for
him, and g-uardianship and control were removed from his per-
son. He had had, according- to his own version of the matter,
quite enough of Liverpool ; Dublin and Manchester had also lost
their attractions, but London, dear London, where the resident
can carry on ' the game/ without being subject, quite so much,
to the prying qualities of his neighbours in the country, he
determined, without any hesitation, to take up his abode in it.

" In quick succession he visited every place of amusement,
either genteel or otherwise ; and kept it up with such animated
spirits, as if he had only a few days to view every thing : he went
on at a race-horse pace. He had a large sum of ready money at
his command, which soon procured him introductions in every
quarter ; and if he could not boast of having secured any friends,
he could not find fault for the want of numerous acquaintances,
always surrounding his person, and making him the hero of their
company. Indeed, his estates were so extensive, that he ob-
tained the nick-name of young RENTROLL, from their immense
value.

" In one of his rambles, soon after his arrival in the Metropolis,
it was at Ascot Races, I believe, that he first saw the match-
girl in all her bloom and beauty ; he became instantly entranc-
ed, as it were, with her person and look altogether ; it is true,
that Charlotte never omitted anything that could give interest, or
loveliness to her countenance, but /ace-painting she detested ;
and I have often heard her assert, with a smile of confidence —
' With all my errors, I will never be challenged as a painted
sepulchre F

" It is totally impossible to describe his libertine feelings upon
this occasion, he could not take his eyes off her person, and in
the ectasy of the moment, he exclamed — ' I never saw a

248 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

woman half so fine, or beautiful ; and if money and tempting'
offers, can make any impression on her feelings, I will not stand
upon trifles until I get her consent to place herself under my pro-
tection ! But is she comeatable ? is the question, he asked him-
self. Yes ; there is something- after all about her appearance that
one can hardly mistake, which tells me she is one of the Gay
freaks of nature ! Should that be the fact, f need not display
much diffidence upon the subject.' Backed by riches, he assum-
ed a confidence, rather call it an assurance, which, otherwise, he
might not have possessed. After Rentroll had introduced himself
to Charlotte by some common place observations about the
weather, fineness of the days. &c., he begged that he might be
permitted to call and enquire after her health, presenting her
with his card at the same time. His request was granted almost
as soon as he asked it. Charlotte never attempted coyness, she
was no hypocrite as to assume a virtue which she did not
possess.

" The match-girl who would npt call it LOVE, yet she was
* struck with the appearance of the fellow !' as she observed to
her maid, and that she had not seen so good-looking a young man
for some time. There was also taste displayed about his horses
and carriage ; and his person well attired, although the tailor
might have rendered him great assistance towards obtaining the
term — elegance.

" Rentroll, without further delay, became one of her profess-
ed admirers, She was his idol, and he teased her morning,
noon, and night, to place herself under his immediate protection.
He; therefore, unblushingly made her an offer of his purse to a
certain extent, a carriage, a house, but not his hand ! Yet he
swore that he loved her better than any woman he had ever seen
since he was born, she was his choice, his taste, and he felt as-
sured that happiness would be the result to both of them being
under one roof. However, as he did not like restraint himself,
he would not ask her to pronounce the disagreeable word to
the ears of many females — ' obey !'

" In truth, he had made up his mind not to be bound by any
exactment, tied like a stake to a hedge, and the terms for better
worse, respecting women, he never could, nor would recognize
in his vocubulary ! But nevertheless, constancy, was his motto,
and if he really loved a female, it would be impossible to leave
her, so much was he acquainted with his own feelings ; there-
fore, his heart was whole in the present instance.

" * But/ said Rentroll, < perhaps, that I am a young man, may
not be the least recommendation to Charlotte ; and as I have
1 been candid in my own mode of dealing, I trust, I shall be treated
with equal sincerity of disposition V

" ' You shall/ replied the match-girl, ' a fig for you profes-
sions of love, constancy, and all that sort of thing, which you do
not, nor perhaps, never will possess ! They may be on the tip of

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. (249

your tongue, but not at all near your heart. No matter, your
purse will be highly acceptable to me to prevent duns, and assist
me in the hour of need ; your carriage truly convenient for an
airing; and your, or the house, a desirable residence ; but on one
condition, it must be with me — a FIXTURE ! Your personal
qualifications in my eyes are better than most of your sex, I can-
didly admit — -that, you may be made an agreeable companion
from what little I have seen of you, no doubt ; but respecting
your youth, give me leave to say, it is the worst recommendation
you could have offered to me — without it is secured by a good
settlement, to prevent your acting like a boy.

" ' YOUTH is fickle, changeable, and at times, egotistical ; 1
understand the sneer, and therefore, the settlement only with
Charlotte Partridge, can change a young fellow into an old
man ! But bear in mind, that my house, and all that is in it,
still remains my property, as a reserve ; according to some good
old maxims laid down for my future conduct, by my late depart-
ed, highly esteemed friend, the banker. ' To day/ said he, ' the
sun may shine brilliantly, the next, it may rain, the third day a
tempest may arise, desolation overwhelm, and I become not
only shipwrecked, but left alone almost on an uninhabited
island !'

" £ The above maxims, I am well aware, will not only be
viewed as cold, calculating points ; but tell against me, as not
eminating from any thing like the warmth of affection ; but they
are my creed, and from which I shall never swerve. But to the
point, your final answer, when the settlement is formally exe-
cuted, and strictly legal, according to the forms of law, and re-
vised by my solicitor, then Charlotte Partridge becomes the chere
amie of Samuel Rentroll, ISsq. Yet I am free to say, that 1
shall not be the worse acquaintance for the above precautions I

" i Women, too often, are foolish, fond, weak, and cannot see
their way; but I am not one of the sex in that respect, therefore,
I boast of nothing more than friendship, and you must deserve
it, before Charlotte Partridge allows the term to have existence.
One word more, and that must be observed most rigidly — I brook
no command; authority over me, I will not recognize, but
liberality and kindness no one can better appreciate. Now I
hope we understand each other, so that no mistakes arise here-
after. I am to be depended upon when I give my word. I
should advise you also to avoid all jealousy, should any compli-
ments be paid to me, which I cannot avoid, and do not acknow-
ledge. Under these circumstances, should any separation occur,
the fault shall not be mine.'

" ' I will agree to any, to every thing you propose !' Such
was the ardour of young Rentroll.

" The independence of character, displayed by the match-
girl, and delivered in a most emphatic, yet, pleasing tone, made
ajn intense impression on the feelings of Rentroll, not exactly f».o

2 L

2f>0 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

be developed; her beauty and fine form had spoken for them-
selves. No man was deceived upon these points ; but the
knowledge she displayed respecting* mankind, added to the con-
quest she had made over Rentroll, he sat her down far above
an every day sort of woman : nay, more, had she have been
placed in a more elevated rank in society, she would have ob-
tained the character of a female of very superior abilities.

" We are not aware that her protector had ever perused the
memoirs of the Chevalier Faublas, which so universally attract-
ed not only all the lovers of gallantry in France, but throughout
the City of Paris, and which also found its way into boudoirs
of numbers of the English women of quality, after its transla-
tion in this country. However, the match-girl, under the
auspices of her keeper, although not placed under the necessity
of changing her dress to carry on her intrigues like the lovely
Marchioness of B., in that gay and voluptuous work ; yet, a suit
of male attire was made for Charlotte, under a pledge of
honour and secrecy, by one of the most fashionable tailors at
that period.

" The order was attended to with the greatest nicety of art,
to transform her appearance and exterior to the exact resem-
blance of a man ! The tailor had done his duty to the very
letter, and highly rewarded for the talents he had displayed in
procuring a good Jit, allowing anatomically for the different
proportions of frame between the sexes. Rentroll was delighted
on viewing the dress, and Charlotte in rapture with the fun this
change of apparel was likely to afford her, when the proper time
arrived for her to assume, in public, the character of a dashing,
young MAN !

" A wig was also produced, for elegance, and such a close
resemblance to nature, quite different in colour to her own hair,
that was pronounced matchless ; with whiskers, eye-brows, and
mustachios, that would deceive the most rigid inspector of
human nature — so much, and so cleverly had art performed her
task. The advice given to Charlotte, how to act in her new
character was — 'To hear much, and speak little !'

" After a few lessons from her protector, added to strutting
and fretting her hour in her own house, and when the private
rehearsals were considered complete, and the debut might be
made with safety, a card was engraved, with the name of Mr.
John Summersett ! as a. finish to the character altogether.

" But in case of accidents, or sudden rencounters might occur,
Rentroll decided that it was absolutely necessary he should give
her a few lessons of the art of self-defence : Charlotte thought
so too, and cheerfully entered into the spirit of the thing, with all
the fondness of an amateur. She was an apt pupil — did not want
for courage or strength, and she soon acquired the knowledge to
stop and hit, so as to give a semblance in reality to the character
of a high-spirited young fellow. The pupil often drove her

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 251

master over the room when in combat, and completely convinced
him that Charlotte, at all events, for a short period, should her
courage be put to the test, that she would not betray any thing-
like a Coward!

ff But before any of the sprees commenced, the argument
between Rentroll and Charlotte was — the designation of Jack
Summersett, Esq., ( I have it/ said the former ; * he is to be
known as a young sprig of fashion, related to a noble family, and
ultimately will succeed to a title. To which might be added —
an only son, very rich, great expectations, and lately come of
age ; but perfectly incog, as to his movements in life !

'* ' Excellent/ replied Charlotte ; ' only keep my secret to
yourself, and Jack Summersett will never betray himself. Ha !
ha ! ha ! I hope I shall be able to keep my gravity — I am sure,
it will be often put to the test. However, I am not afraid !
Only one favour, I request, — never quit my elbow ?'

" < Most rigidly/ answered Rentroll, * shall 1 attend to your
request, for upon that circumstance, depends our safety !'

" In truth, the latter kept the secret of his most intimate
friend, as he termed Summersett — boys together from their
childhood ; inviolably in his own breast ; by which means he im-
posed on the whole of his acquaintances. But it was decided
between them, that Jack Summersett was not to make his (her}
debut upon the grand theatre of metropolitan life — the West-
end of the town ; but in the more quiet part of it, when
from a little practice in her new character, and her male
attire did not sit uneasy upon her frame, she might acquire a
degree of confidence, not to be shaken by any trivial interruption
which might accidentally cross the path of Summersett !

" The latter in the early part of his male career, only showed
himself on particular occasions ; but he very soon became
a favourite amongst the dashing associates of Rentroll ; however,
the latter, never left him alone with any of his rakes, as he
termed them, for fear of the consequence. Summersett was
continually upon his guard, and always waited for the cue from
his tutor, before he launched out into any thing like a display of
eloquence.

" The conversation of men, at times, over their glass at mid-
night, and at other periods, when the ' Juice of the grape/
may have elevated their spirits rather above thepar, are not very
scrupulous or nice in their remarks ; and who relate circum-
stances, anecdotes, and amours, not at all calculated for the ears
of females ; but the match-girl was prepared for such events
intuitively, she was not at all fastidious, nor squeamish, and
Jack Summersett was not likely to betray his condition on that
account.

<£ During one evening, while our female hero was absent —
Rentroll only now and then indulged his friends with her com-

252 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

pany in male-attire ; he was asked where he first became
acquainted with Jack Summersett.

" ( He seems to be a nice young' fellow — unassuming' — well-
bred — quiet — and full of the etiquette of good manners. He is
quite the gentleman!'

" ' So, I would have him :' replied Rentroll, scarcely able to
suppress the laugh upon his countenance : ' indeed, it would be
very unpleasant to my feeling's to have Jack Summersett taken
for any thing" else but a perfect man and a gentleman. True,
he is young* and inexperienced ; but I assure you, my friends, he
is much better when you are acquainted with him more intimate.-
ly. He is in leading" string-s at present, totally under my care,
and I have promised, his friends, that I will take care of him.
Hitherto he has been very tractable, and, if I realize my expec-
tations, it is my wish that he should return to his relatives in
Northamptonshire, evidently improved in his mind ; a more
enlarged knowledge of society : yet, without the slightest touch
of bronze, rudeness, or vulgarity.'

" The above frank display concerning his friend Summersett,
was quite satisfactory to all of his acquaintances, and the
taciturnity of the latter, was rather viewed as a want of confi-
dence, than an embargo laid upon his tongue by Rentroll. Thus
the secret was secured, and if any opinions about Summersett,
that he appeared rather feminine, were expressed, still not the
slightest suspicion arose in their minds that he was a female in
reality, and only looked like a man !

" Summersett could, with some difficulty, manage one cigar,
or rather, play with it, so as not to appear singular in company ;
but he refused to sing on all occasions ; therefore, detection
was not likely to occur from the quality of his voice. The
match-girl was quick in apprehension, lessons were not thrown
away upon her, and either in the capacity of a female, or the ex-
terior of a man, she proved herself a match for the most know-
ing of her opponents. She was abstemious almost to a fault,
although she had no objection to a glass of generous wine, on the
score that it strengthened the frame of either man or woman ;
but anything beyond that, she never indulged in ; she was
scrupulously rigid , therefore, Rentroll was perfectly satisfied
that either in the character of Jack Summersett, or the ci-devant
match-girl — drinking to excess was not amongst her faults.
Drinking parties, of course, were avoided ; and it was only by
sheer accident that Charlotte ever appeared amongst them.

" Rentroll appeared always to pay so much attention to Jack
Summersett, that he was often challenged by his friends — He
was careful over much ! Also, that he used the curb too strongly
— he held the reins too tight — and he would, ultimately, find out
his mistake. If the door of the cage should be found open some
day, most likely the bird might fly away !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL, 253

" ' Leave that to me,' observed Rentroll, with a smile ; « I
know my game, and I shall play my cards accordingly. I am
the best judge in this case ; then as a matter of favour, reserve
your remarks, and bear in mind the old saying — ' That opinions
given unasked, often create offence !' ' This hint had the desir-
ed effect ; andev^r afterwards, Summersett became a free agent
amongst them, whenever he appeared in their company.

<f Rentroll would not have gone so far by suffering Jack Sum-
mersett to appear among'st his friends at home ; but it was done
to prevent idle curiosity when they were met together at any
place of amusement out of doors ! This was well done as a
russe de guerre ; and answered, to prevent such questions as —
' Who have you got with you, Rentroll V — ' What is the name of
your friend V — ' Where does he come from V &c. &c.

" The match-girl possessed amazing strength for a woman,
and the exercise she took, privately, with Rentroll, in using the
dumb bells, walking miles at a time, learning to fence, as an
amusement, and acquiring, in some degree, nay, an expert pupil,
in the art of self-defence, with the gloves, was quite capable, as
the term goes, of ' Taking her own part/ in a more defensive,
nay, offensive style, if necessity compelled her to show herself
off in the Amazonian character.

" Charlotte was very fond of a spree, when out with her pro-
tector— talked loud, when she thought it necessary to show her
importance — called some men puppies, for their insignificance
of conduct — that she would pull their noses — cane them — and
horsewhip others, for their impertinence and cowardice : keep-
ing up the sport of the character which she had assumed, in first-
rate style, appertaining to a buck, or blood of the highest grade ;
and whenever a row assumed something like a tangible shape,
a duel likely to be the consequence, she would pull out her card-
case with the utmost indifference, and present her card in ex-
change : —

MR. JOHN SUMMERSETT,

REGENT'S PARK.

Smiling to herself, that the above hero in disguise, was at other
times — ' non est inventus !' Rentroll enjoyed this sort of fun
exceedingly, and kept up the delusion in the cleverest manner,
observing, when recognized by some persons as being in the com-
pany of the runaway Jack Summersett — ' That he had not seen
him since the row occurred ; but when he did meet with him, if
Summersett did not come forward and act like a man, he should
cut his acquaintance for ever. He would never keep company
with poltroons !'

" This sort of fun, to Rentroll and Charlotte, was carried on
for some time, without the slightest suspicion, or detection ; but
according to an old proverb — ' The pitcher which goes so often

254 THE PILGRIMS OF THE TKAME»

to the well, gets broken at last !' and so it occurred to the
match-girl. In the course of a short period, she had not only
obtained perfect confidence in her male attire ; but in some
respects, became over daring1 ; however, on the evening, I am
about to desciibe, it was urged against her that she had taken
more wine than usual, and exhiliirated beyond her usual spirits,
which were of the highest descr ption at all times, without any
other impetus : but Charlotte, at an after period, not only repell-
ed the assertion with great indignation, as a foul calumny ; but
it ultimately was the cause of their separation !

<f At one of those uproarious scenes at the Italian Opera House,
in the Haymarket, denominated a masquerade, Charlotte and
Rentroll had made up their minds, unknown to their most inti-
mate friends, according to RentrolPs phraseology to — ' Go IT !'
or, in other words, to have some fun at the expense of their
acquaintances ; and also to teaze and put other persons on the
fret, who had previously offended them, and by annoying their
opponents in the most ludicrous manner possible, what is called
' owing them ONE !'

" Charlotte went in her male-attire, with merely a black silk
mask over her face ; but fastened on so tightly, that nothing but
a most outrageous attack could have removed it from its place.
Rentroll by her side, arm-in-arm, determined not to separate
from her, without some row occurred, and then afterwards to
meet at a given box near the orchestra. This being understood,
Rentroll, well primed with champagne, had scarcely joined the
motley group, before he began to ' push along — keep moving/
as if he had been out of his senses, and Charlotte was equally on
the qui vive.

" To enumerate the jostlings which occurred for the purpose
— the attack which took place — designedly — insolent replies —
and now and then, blows, which passed on the occasion, would
be a waste of time ; for both Charlotte and Rentroll, were bent
upon mischief !

" The former, on seeing a puppy, as she termed him, yet a
sprig- of nobility ; who had affronted her grossly at one period of
her life, and whom, Charlotte used to observe, had no more
brains than a flower pot ; but nevertheless, who prided himself
on his rank, and looked down with scorn and contempt upon every
individual in society, without they could lay claim to high birth.

" ' Here's a spooney,' said she to Rentroll, ' that I have long
wished to * serve out' upon an old score, the time has arrived,
so look out, and be ready fora row ! I will give it him !'

" ' Go your hardest/ replied Rentroll, ' your second is at
hand ! We'll die game ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! A skirmish — a caper
or a turn-up, is meat, drink, washing and lodging for me for a
month — so Go IT, my pippin !'

" ' Then I am ready/ said Charlotte, and swaggering up to
the sprig, nearly pushing him down—' You are a disagreeable

fN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 255

chap, an't you, never to bring" home to my house, the cheese
and butter that I ordered of your master ? You are a careless,
negligent wretch, arid I'll g'et you discharged ! No reply, chap
— no impertinence — no prate!'

" ' I am no cheesemonger, rude fellow !' answered the sprig1,
quite indignant, at such an insult ; ' 1 am a gentleman, fellow !
Therefore, be off, fellow — or, else '

" * Or else, what !' replied Charlotte, shaking her fist at him ;
' Ha ! ha ! ha! an apology of a man like you ! — a mere thing !
— a non-entity ! — a mushroom in society ! Dare to call me fel-
low again, and I'll make a tinder box of your eyes, and extract
the only spark of fire you have about you ! I'll also turn your
nose into a pair of snuffers by pinching it ! And if you dare to
open your lips any more to me, good, bad, or indifferent, I will
put you into my side pocket, and smother you for the benefit of
society in general ! Ha ! ha ! ha !'

11 ' So do/ said Rentroll, laughing immoderately at the patter
made use of by Charlotte ; ' take the rind off the cheesemonger,
and wop him into butter! Make scrapings of the wretch !' A
crowd of masqueraders had by this time formed quite a mob round
them, listening to the above harangue, and who joined in the
loud laugh.

" ' You are a liar, and a blackguard/ answered the sprig,
ready to burst with passion ; ' for thus abusing me, I am no
cheesemonger ; and I'll chastise you for your insolence —
you '

" Charlotte did not wait for the sprig to finish the sentence ;
but said — 'Come on, Mr. Know-nothing, and I'll give you a
receipt in full of all demands.' Charlotte was not long in show-
ing her knowledge of the art of self-defence upon the face of
the sprig, who had not the slightest chance to ward off her
blows, the claret following every hit, till the sprig ultimately
measured his length upon the floor. The row became general,
blows were dealt out like a shower of hail, and the strongest only
came best off, when the parties were dispersed by a violent rush
from the clowns, tumblers, watchmen, brigands, firemen, &c.
in consequence of which interruption, Charlotte and Rentroll
made a lucky escape, without any detection as to 'who they
were !'

" After keeping the ' game alive ' until they were completely
tired ; indeed, no two persons present had endeavoured to create
more mirth, than Jack Summersett (in disguise) and Rentroll,
had done at the masquerade. Daylight now appeared as the
signal for their departure, when the latter went out of doors to
seek for his chariot, but not returning to Charlotte quite so soon
as she expected, she advanced to the extremity of the door, to be
in readiness for the carriage, which led to the following ludicrous
adventure : —

f( The match-girl, in her male attire, although she was not

256 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

aware of the circumstance, it appeared, looked like the double
of a dashing-, extravagant, young- man, who was frequently in
the hands of John Doe and Richard Roe ! The bailiffs had
been on the look out for him for some time ; but, unknown to
them, he had gone to Paris, when they suddenly popped on
Charlotte, excfaiming- — ' Here he is !'

" Upon the bailiffs making their caption good, Summersett,
with a spirit of indignation, enquired the meaning of their rude,
unmannerly attack ; and with all (his} her strength resisted
them.

" 4 You are wanted, sir/ replied the bailiffs.

" ' What does the fellow mean ?'

" ' You are our prisoner ! And you must go along with us !'

" ' Prisoner ! What crime have I commited ?'

" c Not any crime ; perhaps, a fault ! But no doubt, if you
go to Bill Holdfast's you will soon be able to settle it!'

"' Crime! — fault ! — settle it ! I do not understand a word you
say. What is the cause I am thus annoyed ? Tell me without
delay/

te ' You know well enough ! On suspicion of debt to the
amount of seven hundred pounds ; nevertheless, we do not wish
to be troublesome, nor rude to you, sir, if you will only conduct
yourself like a gentleman.'

" ' I am no i am a ' but recollecting herself —

the secret of her sex was still in her keeping. — ' I tell you, gen-
tlemen,' in rather a subdued tone, ( you have made a mistake. I
am not the person you take me for. And if you will go with
me to my house, I will not only satisfy you of the error you
have committed, but reward you well for your trouble/

" ' No, sir, we don't do business in that 'ere manner ! We've
cotched you, and we means to keep you, as the man says to his
wife — for better or for vorse ! Besides, as how, you need not
affect so much ignorance upon the subject ! We have nabbed
you several times before this 'ere, upon the same suit. So we
can't lose our time, as we have several other gents to wait upon,
who are like yourself — shy cocks ! Therefore, we cannot
argufy the pint ; but you must come along—

" ' Had me before ? you are a couple of insolent, lying rascals,
and I have a great mind to break every bone in your bodies. I
will not stir an inch ! I do not owe a shilling to any person in
the world!'

" ' Then, Jem, you see how it is, this here person means to be
obstropolis, and we must go to vork ! Ve must use force ! You
see as how, sir, if you strike Jem and I in our duty, you will, and
no mistake, be tried for an assault, and the caper will be, we
shall get heavy damages ; therefore, submit like a gentleman.'

" ' I tell you again — I am no and upon my

honour, you are mistaken, and you will find that out too
late !'

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 257

" ' We know better than that ere — that gammon won't do for
Jem and I — old birds are not to be caught with chaff. So Jem,
be polite — and lend the gentleman your arm, and here is mine
also at his service/

" Summersett offered his purse, but all in vain. < Well then,'
said he, "as you are determined, right or wrong, to take me, I
will go with you quietly ; so take away your arms, or you will
repent of it/

" ' Repent P you said last. ' Ha ! ha ! ha! you must excuse us
laughing, sir ; but there is no repentance about us chaps. No,
no — we are always to/indemnified. Catch us repenting ; what
stuff/

" Very soon after the7 above dialogue had occurred, Summersett
found himself, at his ease, in person, at Holdfast's lock-up house,
but not so in mind ; and requested that some one might be
sent immediately to S. Rentroll Esq., to inform him of the cir-
cumstance, and also to procure bail.

" ' Lord bless you sir, bail could not be taken at this improper
hour of the night. The security must be undeniable, £700 is no
trifle ! Besides, we might be taken up as disorderly persons,
knocking at doors, and enquiring after persons who are asleep.
I would very readily do anything to serve you, but bail now,
sir, is out of the hunt ! Make yourself happyand comfortable —
you have nothing to fret about — there is in this ere house as fine
a down bed as you ever slept upon in the whole course of your
life. There is the bell, sir, call for what you please — but my ad-
vice is, only to be civil, and draw it mild, and then you will be as
happy and comfortable as if you were at home. It is our duty
to make the wlsit pleasant. Shall we send the servant-maid,
Nancy, to you, she is a wery nice young woman, andj will do
anything for you — good night, sir/

" The match-girl now rathercooM upon the subject. She was
inclosed within iron bars — and complaint was useless. To get
out, till the next morning, was out of the question ; she, there-
fore, consoled herself with the cheerful idea, that in the course
of a few fleeting hours, which might be slept away, would re-
store her to liberty. Charlotte could not help laughing at the
singularity of her situation ; but nevertheless, she thought it
was carrying the joke rather too far. However, as I am to be
a gentleman, in spite of myself — I will keep up the character a
little longer, and also have a spree here, as I am sure discovery
must come at last. Charlotte rang the bell rather loudly.

" The door opened, when a handsome young servant-girl ap-
peared with a night-light, and said, f I am ready, sir, to shew
you to your room. The bed is well aired/

lt ' That is right, my girl, proceed, and I will follow you/

" ' You will find excellent accomodation here sir, I assure you ;
my master, Mr. Holdfast, has got a character for doing every
thing in the most handsome manner to gentlemen in your situation/

2 M

258 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" f Gentlemen!' I'll have a bit of fun, thought the match-girl,
" I cannot do any harm/

" * What time do you wish to be called in the morning1, sir ? I
wish you a good night/

" ' Stop a minute, my pretty little maid, I have got something
to say to you ;' and immediately ran up to the girl, and began
to kiss her violently — behaving also in rather an unbecoming
manner, and dragging her forcibly towards the bed. The girl
resisting with all her strength — calling out at the same time,
' Master ! mistress ! Help ! help. I shall be ruined ! murder,
fire ! help ! help !' This bustle and loud noise soon brought to
her assistance her master, in his shirt — Mrs. Holdfast in her
night-clothes — and two or three other inmates from their beds,
who were under the influence of lock and key. The consterna-
tion and fright are not to be described ; and the host and hostess
were alarmed, under the apprehension that the house was
on fire.

"Upon their entrance into the room occupied by Summersett,
they perceived the servant-maid sitting upon a chair, crying —
and the former laughing heartily at the row he had created in
the lock-up house. Holdfast observed in a rage to the match-
girl, ' You are no gentleman, sir, to conduct yourself in such
an infamous manner/

" * No/ replied Summersett, " I know that, I told your harpies
so before, but they would not believe me/

" ' I mean, sir, that you are a blackguard to behave in such an
unwarrantable manner to my servant-girl, and I wish it was in
my power to kick you out of the house/

" e Kick me out of the house indeed ! Use better words, Mr.
Bailiff, or I'll make you repent of your insolence on the spot
instantly. I have got a potent arm to keep such fellows as you
at a distance. Kick me ! what have I done ? you are mighty
squeamish, Mr. Holdfast, all in a minute ; I suppose you want to
makea/>roj0erfy of me, by swearing that I have committed- '

« < We'll ascertain that, without delay," cried Holdfast.
' What has the worthless wretch done to you my girl ?'

" ' Done !' I don't know scarcely what he has done to me,"
answered the girl, blubbering loudly, with her hands up to her
eyes, ( but I don't know what might have been the conse-
quences if you had not have come to my assistance. He is as
strong as a lion — I was nothing in his arms — he kissed me vio-
lently ! — and he — he — he — '

" ' Well, I am glad it is no worse ; however, we will indict
him for an assault. He shall pay handsomely for his rudeness
— so get you to bed, my girl, and we'll leave the gentleman to
his private reflections. I am sorry, sir, you should so far have
forgot yourself/

" The room was instantly cleared — and the house as silent
as could be wished — the match-girl laughing heartily at the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 259

adventure : ' this is masquerading-*- it is real life/ said she,
' and I will keep it up now to the end of the chapter.'

" For a few minutes she rather hesitated whether she should
undress herself, or lie down in her clothes : but she soon decided
on the subject — the clothes of the representative of Mr. Sum-
mersett were thrown upon the chairs — when she popped into
bed, tired with the night's amusement, the diversity of the scene,
and was fast asleep in quick time.

" We must now return to Rentroll,'whom we left on the look-
out for his chariot : his surprise and astonishment were beyond
expression, vvhen he returned to the spot where he had left
Summersett waiting1 for his return. He asked in the most anxious
manner of all the servants and persons at the door, describing his
person, if such a gentleman had been seen. To all his enquiries
the direct NO was returned. This is some trick Charlotte has
put upon me — a little bit of her fun — or, rather to teaze me for
leaving" her so long", but I could not avoid it. She must have
got into a coach, and gone home, where I shall find her taking-
some refreshment on my arrival I have no doubt. Such were
Rentroll's thoughts upon the subject. He enquired of his coach-
man, but no traces could he learn respecting the absence of
Summersett. He drove rapidly home — but to his surprise, nay,
violent jealousy in an instant — Charlotte had not arrived. Hor-
rors accumulated upon his mind — he was desperately in love
with the match-girl : ' Ah/ he exclaimed in a tone of misery,
— " it was what I always was afraid would happen, sooner or
later ; she has made some assignation, an intrigue with some man
of fashion. Charlotte had always so many fine rich fellows
buzzing about her person, like flies at a sugar cask, that I never
could wholly beat them off.'

Oh, what damned minutes counts he o'er
To him who doubts ! yet fondly loves.

" Rentroll was lost in conjecture ; and after harrassing his feel-
ings to madness, he went to bed in despair — blaming himself
for leaving Summersett alone. But he had made up his mind,
that Charlotte was lost to him for ever — in consequence of some
new ; or, more flattering connection.

" The match-girl, on opening her eyes after a few hours sleep,
could not for the moment contemplate where she was — in a
strange apartment, and alone. The windows, too, secured by
strong iron bars — exclaimed, ' where the deuce am I V but
reflection immediately flashed across her memory — and she recol-
lected the row — the arrest of last night — and her singular situa-
tion in the lock-up house. ' Ha ! ha ! ha ! no matter.' She rang
the bell violently, and after waiting some little time, she over-
heard a parley, between the master, the mistress, and the servant-
girl, who should attend to it. 'Let him ring and be d for

an insolent fellow,' said Holdfast.

260 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

"The match-girl again rang- the bell, with force enough to
break the wire attached to it — when a man-servant — with a
gruff hoarse voice, popped his nose in at the door, and asked
what was wanted.

" * Send the servant -girl up to me, immediately, fellow/

" ( She is afraid to come, sir/

" < Ha ! ha ! ha ! What is she afraid of? Then let your mis-
tress come directly, I must see her.'

" * Not by no manner of means, master says his wife an't a'
going to be pulled about, and slobbered over by any fellow —
besides, she will not trust herself in such bad company — she is
the mother of children — a modest woman — and she says that
you did not behave like a gentleman. You know what you did
best — it's nothing to me, you know.'

" ' Ha : ha ! ha ! Such a fuss about modesty — squeamishness — I
should have thought I had have been in the Penitentiary, fellow,
sooner than in a blackguard lock-up house — but no matter. Do
you, sir, bring me up pens, ink, and paper immediately ; and in
about a quarter of an hour afterwards, come up to me again, and
you will find a note on the table, directed to a friend of mine. Do
you take it immediately, or cause it to be taken — and the sooner
you bring the answer — the sooner you will be a sovereign the
richer ; perhaps two, if you do it quickly. So be off.'

" ' You shall be obeyed, sir,' said the fellow, grinning — ' I
shall be punctual ; I don't know what mistress may think, but
1 am sure he is a gentleman, every inch of him. A stuck up
little wretch like her to give herself airs, she thought, I sup-
pose to make a fiat of him, but he would'nt stand it. 1
shouldn't have thought on it — howsomdever I shall try it on for
the two sovs. One I consider safe in my fob. The blunt makes
the gemman,in myidears.'

" The match-girl, on obtaining the paper, immediately wrote
this facetious note to her gallant :

" Dear Rentroll,

" Here is a precious scrape you have got me into —

but your pal, Jack Summersett is off for ever. You will never see him again.
No more masquerading for me : but nevertheless, your own dear Charlotte, as
you have so often called her — is now in fresh keeping ; and my new keeper is so
strongly attached to my person, that he will not suffer me to go out of doors.
But don't be alarmed for my constancy at present — for the truth is — the bailiffs
have mistaken me for a sprig of quality, and I have been arrested for £700.
This is above e,joke at all events : however, a truce to complaint.

Come my dear fellow to me immediately, and bring with you a complete dress of
female attire ; my maid, Fanny, will give it to you. I am determined not to act
the gentleman any more : one pill is a dose. I am to be found, or, rather say the
lost sheep is to be heard of at Mr. Holdfast's, Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane.
I cannot say, in the sporting cant, that I am up and dressed ; but yet, I am down
— in bed. I cannot run away, but as the song says,

Locks, bolts, and bars, soon fly asunder.
Then don't delay a minute, every second appears to me an hour.

From your's, in durance vile,
CHARLOTTE PARTRIDGE."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 261

P.S. This will prove a rare exposure; and I shall have some difficulty, I am
afraid, for a short time, to convince the bailiff that I am not Jack Summersett. I
shall become the laughing stock of all your friends.

" Upon reading" this note, Rentroll resumed his natural spirits —
bursting- out in a fit of loud laughter — capering- and dancing- all
over the room — uttering", with ecstacy — ' My dear Charlotte, it
is a precious lark, I must admit — and has given me some pain
and urieasines of mind, but it is all over now. I will soon be
with you — and convince those living body-snatchers that you
are a woman, a delightful woman ; and demand satisfaction for
the capture, and also the insult they have put upon my Charlotte/
He procured, not only a complete, but one of the most eleg-ant
dresses in Charlotte's possession, from the maid-servant ; and lost
no time to relieve the representative of Jack Summersett from
his unpleasant situation. On his arrival at Holdfast's, in his
chariot, — * I want ' said he, * a lady in your custody, I ap-
prehend by mistake.'

<; ' You have come to the wrong- house, sir, we have no lady
debtor here. We are not such Hats as to mistake a lady for a
gentleman. We have been too long- in business to commit such
a palpable error. But you are not serious, I am sure. Rest
assured, sir, we have no female in this house confined for debt/

"' Say, you don't know, Mr. Bailiff. Much cleverer men than
you have been deceived by women. I ag-ain tell you, I must
see the lady you have g*ot in your custody/

" ' W^e have no such person here, I once more assure you. A
wrong- direction has been given to you/

" 'if I must speak by the card then, I want to see the gentle
man you arrested last nig-ht at the masquerade. Take me to
his apartment immediately/

" ' Ha ! ha ! ha ! a pretty lady, indeed ; a fellow that would
have ravished my maid-servant last nig-ht — if his diabolical
attempts had not been frustrated. A lady, indeed, ha ! ha! ha'/

" ' You grow insolent, sir. Keep your discourse to yourself ;
I arn not in a humour to argue with bailiffs/

" ' I do not wish to be insolent, and far from rude ; but you
will find that I have only spoken the truth, convince yourself/

On Rentroll and Charlotte meeting together, loud laughter
occurred between them, at the singularity of the scene. He
found the match-girl in bed. ' Have you brought a dress for
me ?' asked Charlotte, ' for I am determined, whatever ridicule
I may undergo, I will not quit this house as Jack Summersett;
I have been punished for assuming the character of lordly
man ?'

" ' Be it so/ replied Rentroll ' and while you are changing
your sex ; Ha ! ha ! ha ! I mean your dress, I will go down stairs,
and make the discovery known to the lock-up hero/

'" Do, my dear Rentroll ; and I'll astonish the bailiff, strong
as his nerves may be ; he shall find I am a woman, to his cost.

262 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

At all events, I will try to frighten him. It is my turn now to
talk loud of the injury I have sustained — false imprisonment —
large damages, &c. &c. Ha ! ha ! ha !'

" Upon Rentroll meeting with the master of the house, he ob-
served to him — ' Your men made rather a bit of a mistake last
night, but, of course, you will abide the consequences, and in
the course of a few hours you will hear from my solicitor on the
subject. A lady, most certainly, you have made prisoner, instead
of a gentleman, with all your penetration in these matters !'

" ' That will not do, sir, I am am not so easily imposed upon as
you may imagine. A lady, instead of a gentleman, it is impos-
sible ! However, I will soon remove all doubts upon that head.
Here, Nance !' The servant maid instantly made her appear-
ance. ' Did not that gentleman in No. 5, treat you in a rough,
rude manner, last night, and would have '

" ' He did indeed, sir, and had not you and my mistress have
ran to my help, I should have been ruined in spite of my exer-
tions to have prevented it/

" ' Psha!' exclaimed Rentroll, ' ruined, indeed, you have all
taken leave of your senses. I now ask you seriously, my girl,
are you sure the person who attacked you so rudely, as you
term it, was not a lady V

" * A lady ! I'll take my oath of it, sir. I never met with a
stronger man in my life — I had no chance to defend myself — I
was a child in his hands/

"'Amazement!' uttered Rentroll, 'however, the mistake
shall be cleared up instantly. Let your wife go up stairs, Mr.
Holdfast, to the person alluded to, and she will find her a
woman '/

" * No, I thank you, sir, I will not. I do not choose to suffer
the mother of my children to be insulted with impunity, after
what occurred last night. I must be a fool, to act so unwisely/

" ( Well then, I ask it of you, as a favor, let us go up stairs in
a body, there can be no danger of insult, when we are
altogether V

" After considerable persuasion on the subject in dispute, they
all repaired to the supposed gentleman's apartment, when, to
the surprise of Holdfast, his wife and the servant girl, they
found Charlotte in a splendid dress, and her fine form and
beautiful appearance, positively electrified them for the instant.

" ' Ha ! ha ! ha !' taking up the mustachioes and false whiskers,
said Rentroll, ' they are not to be sent to the British Museum
as curiosities, but they will be kept as a memento to laugh at
when the anecdote is related to some future companies, as a
proof that the most experienced 'knowing ones!' are to be
taken in/

" ' True, true, my dear Rentroll/ remarked Charlotte, ' and
if the gentlemen will only retire for a few minutes, 1 will soon
satisfy Mrs. Holdfast, and the servant girl that I have behaved so

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL, 263

rudely to, as she says ; but I only kissed her lips, upon my
veracity, that I have a right to wear a petticoat !'

" Holdfast and Rentroll immediately retired, when, in the
course of a minute or two, the landlady and Nancy came laugh-
ing out of the room, asserting, ' Sure enough, it is a lady, and
a finer woman/ said Mrs. Holdfast, ' I never saw in my life, I
am quite in love with her/

How many pictures of one nymph we view,
All how unlike each other, all how true !
What then ? let blood and body bear the fault ;
Her head's untouch'd, that noble seat of thought :
That, nature gives ; and where the lesson taught,
Is but to please, can pleasure seem a fault.

" ( I hope you are now satisfied, Mr. Holdfast, you have no
more doubts on the subject V

" ' Perfectly satisfied, sir, and I can only express my astonish-
ment— but hope '

" ' Not another word/ replied Rentroll, ' instead of bringing
an action against you for false imprisonment, only keep the
secret, and Charlotte and I, (not Jack Summersett,) will stay
and dine with you ; therefore, order the best dinner that can be
procured from the nearest tavern, with plenty of champagne,
also, every thing in season : spare no expense, and I will pay for
it. Over our glass of wine I will relate the whole of the spree,
for it was nothing else but a spree from beginning to the end
of it. I will likewise make you a present for your trouble and
uneasiness, occasioned by the lady on her entrance into your
house. The girl also shall not be overlooked in the settlement/
at the same time calling the servant maid to him : * remember,
my dear, there is a punishment for those who kiss and tell, so
let your lips be sealed for ever on this subject/

" ' I will be as silent as death, sir/ replied the girl, ' respect-
ing the kisses ; but in case of any future attacks, it seems I
must be doubly on my guard, in case, a right arnest man might
assume the garb of a female, and mischief might be done to me,
before I could help it !*

" Holdfast, from his long experience in the capacity of a lock-
up house keeper, was determined to make the most of his guests
during the time they remained under his roof, and also to pro-
long their stay, if possible ; and a better judge of human nature,
according to the opinions of his own fraternity, did not exist
among the whole mob of bailiffs and their followers. He, there-
fore, lost no time in giving orders for a most expensive dinner,
all the delicacies of the season, a fine dessert, with wines of the
richest quality ; besides, a good understanding existed between
Holdfast and the tavern-keeper, the former being allowed what
is termed & feeling out of every article brought into his house.

" Rentroll was in high spirits on the occasion that he had once
more the possession of his dear Charlotte, and the latter, was

264 THE PILGRIMS €F THE THAMES

not a jot behind him in rendering- the scene pleasant, that liberty
and pleasure were ag-ain at her command. Holdfast, full of
mirth and spirits, acted the amiable to the life ; eating- and
drinking- at the expense of other people, and also putting- monev
into his pocket at the same time. Towards the rich, rog-ues, or
any other persons, who could spend money in his house, he was
a complete fawning- sycophant, and the most accommodating
creature alive. But to the poor and needy, whom cruel distress
broug-ht to his residence for a short period, he had the character
of being- the most hard-hearted man of his calling-.

" Upon the removal of the cloth, Rentroll pushed the bottle
about rather briskly, and called upon Holdfast for a toast !

" * You shall not wait long- for one — I could mention names,
but no matter, here's g-ood luck to those persons who will not
pay their debts until they are compelled !'

" i Ha ! ha ! ha ! what a strang-e toast/ observed Charlotte,
' then I shall never have any luck, if that is the case, for I have
a great aversion to being- in debt ; and I always pay on demand,
sometimes before hand/

" ' Yes, m'am, that's all very rig'ht, if you like to do so/ re-
plied Holdfast ; c but 1 am anxious to take care of the main
chance, or in other words — business'

" ( I should very much like to hear an explanation of your
toast, Holdfast/ said Rentroll, ' for I have always heard it laid
down, as sound arg-ument, that those persons who would not
pay their debts without compulsion, were allied to dishonesty !'

"' Honour, honesty, and integrity, are principles which I very
much admire, as principles/ observed Holdfast, ( and they oug-ht
to be taug-ht as precepts at every school in the king-dom ; but
WE cannot live by them. Honest men are of no use to us. If
all the men in the world were honest, we must starve, and the
disciples of John Doe and Richard Roe, would not be able to
boil their pots. But, observe me, sir, I arg'ue this matter as a
bailiff anxious to obtain business, for a most useful, if not respect-
able, class of men. Therefore, sir, I hope you will not write
me down as a dishonest man. Besides, sir, there are a number
of characters in this great Metropolis, who would sooner pay
sixty shilling's in the pound, than discharge a just debt when
demanded ! Therefore, I repeat, but without offence, that
honest men are of no use to Bill Holdfast !'

" £ At all events/ replied Charlotte, ' there is a great deal of
candour about your remarks.'

"A few more glasses of wine made Holdfast quite eloquent,
and he related several anecdotes respecting- many persons who
had been residents in his house ; f And if you have the time to
spare/ said he, ' a day or two would not be thrown away, and
your hours pass rapidly, the scenes in a lock-up house are often
worthy of observation ; besides you, my lady and gentleman,
although the key would be turned upon you, confinement would

IN SEARCH OP THE NATIONAL. 265

not be the result. I will give you an instance : an artist of
some celebrity, exceedingly thoughtless and extravagant, who
was arrested, and brought to my house, was in my custody
for a fortnight, before his business was settled ; and during that
time he felt himself so much at his ease, and quite at home, that
he did not like to quit my roof. In the course of a short time
afterwards, to prevent any duns becoming troublesome to him,
for he was one of those persons who could not keep out of debt ;
he would only pursue his studies when dire necessity stared him
in the face, and then, he would not allow himself sufficient time
to finish any of his pictures. He proposed to board and lodge
with me; and he paid me liberally for the accommodation.
I accepted the artist as an inmate, and found him a most interest-
ing and pleasing companion at all times, and he used to laugh
heartily to his associates whom he could trust with his secret, ob-
serving at the same time, ' You see I am always now in trouble,
but never in GRIEF !' '

" ( Every man to his taste,' observed Rentroll, f but the look
only of iron bars is too much for me ; however, as time is on
the wing, and we are anxious to be at home, let ushear the
song you promised us !'

" ' You shall have it directly, sir/ replied Holdfast

My name's Sam Snatch, a grab, d'ye see,

Never vas a bolder ;
Vith high and low I can make free,

And tap 'em on the shoulder.
Vender I call, they're not at home,

Such shy cocks, only mind 'em ;
But ven to lodge vith me they come,

Then I knows vere to find 'em,

Fol de dol, de diddle dol, de, da.

To quod, I never make 'em trip,

Vile they can come it freely ;
And if they stand a handsome tip,

I uses 'em genteelly :
'Mong bucks of fashion I have plied,

They found me sly and cunning ;
And often, ven my nibbs they spied,

Lord, how I set 'em running.

Fol de dol, de diddle dol, de, da.

" The time, at length arrived, when Rentroll and Charlotte
left the residence of Holdfast without the office being search-
ed for Detainers. The latter, by this time, was quite tipsey,
and full of hic-coughs, and when bidding good night to his liberal
guests, he observed to Charlotte, that he should be happy to see
her again, as often as she thought proper, either in the character
of a lady or a gentleman. Rentroll and Charlotte soon after-
wards arrived at their own domus, not at all angry at what had
occurred, when the latter observed—' ALL'S WELL THAT
ENDS WEU-I'%

-2 N

266 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER XII.

Strolls on the water — a tour — anything ,- or rather, days of
observation by the PILGRIMS; a boat excursion — Stop
where it suits you ! Go where you like ! Stay as long as
you please ! after the manner of the sailors idea upon the
subject: any port in a storm? The "NATIONAL!"
every thing in the mind of MAKEMOXEY: an argument in
favour of the BANKS OF THE THAMES, respecting their
connection with history, politics, fne arts, literature, the
drama, 8fc , including a host of " Great Creatures of by-
gone days!" A spree — a bit of fun — an anecdote. How to
astonish a landlord; a-row-a-way party to escape the
reckoning. " It must be them ! No, it ain't ! Yes it is !
No, I am wrong I Very much like 'em I At all events,
they look more like thieves than horses !" FLOURISH' stale;
nay more, a fact ; in which are exhibited the feelings cf
gratitude, the value of friendship, and the purity of uncon-
querable love ; realizing the adage, better to be born for-
tunate than rich. Names not necessary, yet a reference to
the London Directory, might, if the cue was obtained, put
the matter beyond all doubt. But MYSTERY is effective ; or
the characters of MARPLOT and PAUL PRY, would become
dead letters, and be put upon the shelf. " Oh, the joys cf
angling" — a fishing party — a bite : the DOG Jish ! Cver-
board he went ! A splashing match with the Eton boys ,*
MAKEMONEY in the water ; not drowned ; a cooler and a
complete ducking ! Those who play at bowls must expect
rubs. The pleasing sound of Bow I ells to the ear of a
cockney !

" THE more I visit old Father Thames, the more I am delight-
ed with my native country " observed Makemoney, " the in-
roads of war can never interrupt its peace and happiness ; and the
simple peasant sits down contented by his fire-side with the
blessing's ofliberty attendant upon every meal ; other countries
cannot make such a boast. Whether the object of your pleasure
may be directed, either above or below bridge, you must be im-
pressed with its attractive situation ; therefore, my brother
Pilgrims, I have no doubt, will acquiesce with me in favour of
my NATIONAL feelings on the subject."

" True to the echo," replied Flourish, " and I have heard it
observed, that the history of a river, is the history of whatever
appears on its BANKS ; from Metropolitan magnificence to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 267

village simplicity ; from the habitations of king's to the hut
of the fisherman , from the woody brow, which is the pride of
landscape, to the rare plant that is only known to the eye of
the botanist. In addition to which, the recollection of past and
present times are equally animating- to the mind of the tourist !"

" Unanimous — carried unanimously !" cried Sprightly, " the
Thames, as a river, must appear of the very first importance in
the eyes of every Englishman ; hut to foreigners, a complete
astonishment — to behold, borne on the tide, below bridge, the
active fishing boat,the gentleman's yatcht, and the noble man-of-
war, the pride of old England, and the envy of the world ; to-
gether with the busy hum of trade and merchandize. I do not
possess talents enough to describe the animating scene ! And if
not so striking a feature above bridge, yet the noisy wharfs, well
filled warehouses, splendid mansions, venerable seats, the
scattered hamlet, the lonely farm, and the high elm trees, are
pleasing pictures of the rustic soil."

'•' Excellently described, my brother Pilgrims," said Make-
money, in raptures ; " every word you have uttered has been like
a cordial to my heart ; besides, the names associated with the
BANKS of the THAMES, are enough to claim a reverence from
all the lovers of history, politics, literature, the fine-arts, the
drama, and every thing calculated to raise the character of
human nature, and give importance to the country that gave us
birth. Is not the spot dear to us, where THOMPSON wrote his
seasons ; also the the residence of the poet of a thousand years
— POPE, where he translated Homer ; composed his delightful
poem of Windsor Forest —

Thy forests, Windsor ! and thy green retreats,
At once the monarch's and the muse's seats,
Invite my lays !

and may be added the birth-place of EDMUND GIBBON, the
author of that splendid work, the ' Decline and Fall of the
Roman Empire/ Besides, the lovers of liberty will always reve-
rence a spot where the glorious revolution of 1688, was planned,
in a vault, in Hurley House, the seat of Lord Lovelace/'

" I do not profess to he much of an historian," replied Flourish,
"but let me add the name of Lord Bolingbroke, that great mas-
ter of men and books, of whom, it is said, he possessed the wis-
dom of Socrates, the dignity and ease of Pliny, and the wit
of Horace ! The residence of another great character, who not
only made the world ' look about them abroad ;' but also the
people at home — OLIVER CROMWELL, was once on the
Banks of the Thames."

" Neither shall my praise be wanting to do justice to the
favourite spot of my school-boy days and delight," said Sprightly,
" I have been informed that the celebrated Dr. DEE, in the reign
of Elizabeth, selected Mortlake as his residence, and so great

2G8 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

was his thirst to obtain information and to be of service to man-
kind in general, that he only allowed himself four hours out of
the twenty-four from his studies — two to sleep, and two for re-
creation. COWLEY, the poet, likewise selected a retired spot
close to the Thames, for his retreat. It was also where the
haughty, proud, overbearing Cardinal Wolsey dwelt, who car-
ried his notions of grandeur to such an extent, before he present-
ed Hampton Court to Henry the Eighth, that he had two hun-
dred and eighty silken beds, besides suitable hangings, in order
to impress on his visitors, and the people, the pomp and magni-
ficence of his palace, and extent of his riches : but he was a
memorable instance, in his own person, that — * Pride should
have a fall !' "

" If taste'9 urged Makemoney, " has any weight in the spots
chosen for the residences of the members of the fine arts, the late
SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS was so much delighted with the view
of the river, and the prospect from his window, that he produced
a most exquisite painting of Richmond Hill. In 1300, it was
called Sheen, and had a palace. Edward the Third died there,
in 1377. Also, Richard the Second's queen ; which he took
so much to heart, that he left the palace, which then went into
great decay. Henry the Fifth restored it ; but in 1498, it was
burnt down. It was rebuilt, in the finest style of architecture,
by Henry the Seventh, who bestowed his family name of Rich-
mond, upon it. Henry the Eighth frequently visited it ; and it
was a favourite residence of Queen Elizabeth, who died there.
It, however, fell into decay, and in the last century was entirely
removed. The Countess of Northampton, the Duke of Queens-
bury, and the late Wiltshed Keene, Esq., had houses built on
a portion of the site which occupied ten acres of ground. The
remains of GAINSBOROUGH, one of the brightest" ornaments of
the Royal Academy, are buried in the church yard at Richmond.
SIR PETER LILY, one of the greatest portrait painters of his
day, dwelt the latter part of his time, and died at Kew. HUDSON,
the painter, if he did not acquire so distinguished a name as his
competitors, it was, nevertheless, in his school that Sir Joshua
Reynolds learned his art. And HOGARTH, one of the greatest
creatures in his peculiar line, whose scenes of men and manners
upon paper, are perfect dramatic representations in their way,
and have acquired, for Hogarth, an immortality in the temple
of fame : his ashes lie buried in Chiswick church-yard. The
Banks of the Thames have also been distinguished for private
theatricals at Brandenburg House, under the direction of the
Margravine Anspach, &nd the actors and actresses were lords and
ladies. The late Dowager Lady Craven, was a female of great
eccentricity, talent, and notoriety. She was authoress of seve-
ral works, besides plays ; the Margravine altered the comedy of
' She would, and she would not !' and performed the part of
Hypolita. She was also a great traveller, and made the tonr of

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL, 269

the continent; and at Constantinople the Grand Sultan paid her
great attention. Her last work was under the following singular
title — ' Anecdotes, Modern and Ancient, of the Family of the
Kinkervandotsdarsprakengotchderns !' "

" I think, sir/' said Flourish, " that I am correct in stating"
that RICHANDSON, the novelist, wrote the life of Sir Charles
Grandison, on the Banks of the Thames ; and that celebrated,
but unfortunate statesman, Sir Thomas More, and Bishop
Lowth, of classic erudition, selected their dwellings upon the
above spot !"

" In point of architectural beauty," said Sprightly, f( I have
been told that the Duke of Devonshire's villa at Chiswick,
would not disgrace the banks of the Arno or Tyber. No mat-
ter, but the elegance of stone and brick work, melts, like snow
before the sun, when CHELSEA COLLEGE appears to the view
and feelings of an Englishman ; it does honour to its founder —
James the First. Four hundred men are amply provided for in
it, exhibiting the soldier's tear of gratitude, when he is enabled
to make a halt in the downhill of life. To shoulder his crutch
and talk over seiges manly endured, dreadful breaches made,
the forlorn hope, and imperishable conquests obtained. Where
also many an Uncle Toby, and lots of Corporal Trims, have
heaved a sigh for the loss of some gallant comrade, or dropped a
tear at his departure, who might, otherwise, have proved another
General Wolfe. —

Come fire a volley o'er his grave,

Dead marches let us beat ;
War's honors well become the brave,

Who sound their last retreat.
ALL must obey Fate's awful nod,

Whom life this moment warms :
Death soon, or late beneath the sod,

Will ground the soldier's arms.

Such a place as Chelsea College, is only to be met with on the
Banks of the Thames."

" Not in the whole world beside," cried Makemoney, knock-
ing his stick with, great animation, against the ground, in proof
of his love towards that truly NATIONAL feature : " but it ought
not to escape our memory, as lovers of dramatic talents, that the
celebrated Mrs. CATHERINE CLIVE, of whom it is said, * If
ever there were a truly comic genius, she was one ;' perhaps,
never equalled, but never excelled, and sketches in her hands be-
came highly finished pictures ; retired, and died on the above spot.
COLLEY GIBBER, equally distinguished in the annals of the
stage ; Lord Dorset, the Lord Chamberlain at that period, said of
him — ( That for a young fellow to show himself such an actor,
and such a writer in one day, was something extraordinary ;' he
dwelt, at one period of his life, at Strawberry Hill. This distin-
guished residence afterwards became the property of HORACE
WALPOLE, the author of the ' Castle of Otranto,' and from whose

270 THE PILGRIMS OF THfi THAMES

private press several other important works were issued. Also,
the English Roscius, the immortal DAVID GARRICK, Esq., who
united the poet, the actor, and the gentleman in the same per-
son.* The Right Hon. CHARLES JAMES Fox, one of the most
illustrious statesmen of his own, or any other period, and parallel
with Demosthenes, as an orator ; all of them dwelt upon the
Banks of the Thames !"

" Oxford, sir, the first University in the world, and of an im-
mense antiquity/* said Flourish, " seems to have escaped your
notice ; it is, connected with the river, and a seat of learning for
at least a thousand years. Now, my old friend, if you can furnish
us with any of the sprees of those gents, termed Oxford scholars,
they might not only enliven your remarks, but set the table in a
roar. It should seem they have often distinguished themselves
in several rowing matches on the Thames, with more zeal to be-
come the winners of the contest, than exerting themselves to ob-
tain a degree. Although they have not been wanting to prove
themselves tolerably good Wranglers upon the water."

" The Oxford scholars are rather dangerous subjects to med-
dle with at any time," answered Sprightly, " therefore we had
better leave them to pore over their black-lettered folios to en-
lighten the community, and turn our thoughts to matters of
another description. The Banks of the Thames, it appears,
have been dedicated in the olden times to the meeting of lovers.
The celebrated DEAN SWIFT, an author of immense power, as a
satirist, a politician, and a high churchman, stole a few hours
now and then, from severer studies, to enjoy the company of his
STELLA, and talk of love. She was daughter of the steward
of Sir William Temple. Such conversations, if they could have
been handed down to the present period, might have been of the
most essential service to the love-sick Romeos* and the all con-
fiding Juliets' ! Nay, invaluable ! A reverend Dean in love !

* The following anecdote never before appeared in print : Garrick and Sir
Joshua Reynolds, were in a large party, at the house of a gentleman in West-
minster ; and being all assembled in the drawing room, previous to dinner, the
daughter of the host, quite a child, came bounding into the room, unconscious of
any person being present, but immediately stopped short, finding herself amongst
several gentlemen entirely strangers to her ; several of the company endeavoured
to coax her forward, but she hesitated for some time, looking about her, and sur-
veying the whole of the group. After a minute or two had elapsed, she ran up to
Garrick, who had a waistcoat on of a shot silk of bright colours. Sir Joshua, in
a playful mood, observed — " Ah ! Miss, I see what made you prefer that gentle-
man, his pretty silk waistcoat attracted your attention." The child immediately
answered — "No, indeed, it was not that." Sir Joshua still persisted that it was
the silk waistcoat, and said, "If it was not that, what made you run to him
first ?" " It was his EYES," answered the child with seeming rapture. The
company were highly amused to see Garrick immediately afterwards seize the
child in his arms, and almost smother her with caresses. The child in question,
is now the mother of a family, and resident in the Metropolis. The Gentleman's
name was ASTLE ; and the family well-known for its respectability both in India
and London.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 2J1

•— and that person of no less importance than Dean Swift! 1
should think, uncle, that the copyright of such a book, a
• rnanuel for sweethearts/ would soon have paid the amount of
its purchase money from its immense sale. Ha ! ha ! ha !"

" You might have added another, and a greater personage to
your list/' said Makemoney, " the fair ROSAMOND ; and not
lost the clue neither. Woodstock is connected with the Thames.
" Great doubts are entertained respecting the exact mode of her
death ; yet there are none about her beauty. It is said that the
Queen of Henry the Second, who went, full of jealousy and rage,
to kill her detested rival, yet, was so struck with her great
Beauty, that she paused, and gazed upon fair Rosamond for seve-
ral minutes before she administered the cup of poison.

" I have little more to say on the subject/' replied Flourish,
"but I should not like to pass over in silence, MR. PHILLIPS,
the author of the ' Splendid Shilling/ a poem that used to de-
light me very much for its regularity and spirit when I was at
school : —

' Happy the man, who void of care and strife,

In silken, or in leathern purse retains

A splendid shilling.'

Likewise JACOB TONSON, the book-seller, (originally a footman-
in-livery I believe) but afterwards, the proprietor of Down Place,
a name connected with that constellation of genius, which, at one
period, illuminated the literary world, in connection with the
celebrated Kit-Cat Club, of whom Dr. Johnson, Garrick,
Oliver Goldsmith, Sir Joshua Reynolds, &c. were members."

" And my last words on the pleasing subject are, persons who
have been born and dwelt on the banks of the Thames,"
said Sprightly, " that Cromwell, the son of a blacksmith, who
afterwards became Earl of Essex, from his splendid talents,
through the patronage of Cardinal Wolsey ; yet, from his inte-
grity and love of truth, was beheaded by the order of Henry
VIII; and West, the son of a baker, an unruly, naughty boy
at school, changed in so extraordinary a degree as to have been
created Bishop of Ely, and considered, for the remainder of his
life, one of the most wise and pious prelates that adorned the
bench. A convincing proof that at any period of English his-
tory, a man, with the possession of talents, may rise to the high-
est offices in the state, without any disparagement to his birth."

" In fact, my worthy brother Pilgrims, we might go on ad
infinitum, the Banks of the Thames afford such a prolific source
for great names and amusements connected with the River,"
urged Makemoney, '* Chelsea alone would fill volumes. Rane-
lagk at one period, fifty years ago, it is said, was the climax of
elegance and fashion, a superior place altogether — far, very far
above Vauxhall, and all the places of resort in or near the Me-
tropolis. People of the first rank and consequence in the state
were its principle visitors; and few persons felt courage enough

2/2 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

to show themselves at Ranelagh — their dress, manners, and
behaviour were so soon detected as belonging- to an inferior
class of society. To shew the estimation the above place was
held in by the lower orders, — the cook, in * High Life below
Stairs,' when she is asked which place of entertainment she
will go to ; her reply is, ' Ran-ne-law for my money !'

" But the times are very materially altered since that period/'
said Flourish, " I heard Mr. Matthews, a few years ago, in
the lively farce of ' Hit or Miss P sing a song, in which I
recollect the two following lines : —

' The Peer and the Prentice, they dress so much the same,
That you cannot tell the difference, excepting by the name.'

" You must not forget, sir, the Red House," urged Sprightly
to his uncle — "which has been such a favourite place of resort for
the last few years — as I do not think we ought exactly to lose
sight of the Moderns ! — Ha ! ha ! ha ! I have seen some extraor-
dinary shooting matches between Lord Kennedy, Mr. Osbal-
deston, Capt. Ross, Lord Ranelagh, &c. I well remember to
have seen a Mr. Arrowsmith, on a penny piece being thrown up
in the air, to have put in it, above one hundred shots/'

" You are quite in order," replied Flourish, " and you now
remind me of another rather prominent feature connected with
the Banks of the Thames — a celebrated tavern, both in the
olden, and times of a more modern date, where the celebrated
Colossus of Literature, and the author of the^Vicar of Wakefield
used frequently to unbend in company with other great wits,
and men of first-rate talents — the COAL-HOLE. It still
keeps up its name for the resort of men of abilities ; although
somewhat of a different class in society ; but nevertheless,
entitled to the character of CHOICE SPIRITS ! I must say that
I have spent many pleasant evenings at the Coal-Hole, with
gentlemen of the press, authors, actors of note, composers, men
of the world, merchants, and some first-rate vocalists, affording
that variety of company, in which, Time might be said to fly.
Most certainly, it has not a board outside of the door, as I have
seen at some inns, 'good entertainment for man and horse:'
yet the 'feeds' are excellent, served up well : and the entertain-
ment good ; the glee-singers also of the first reputation ; and
the comic songs, several of which are from MSS. quite a treat ;
and to echo the words of mine host, (Mr. Rhodes) that ' dull
care' is not to be met with at the Coal-Hole, except in the shape
of a chant. The proprietor of the tavern is a musician, sings a
good song, and well calculated, from his knowledge of society
in general to amuse his patrons : and is likewise a punster of
the highest grade. Puns escape from his lips, nearly as fast as
he fills the glasses with liquor, ' I don't know the origin of my
sign/ said he, when asked by a precise old gentleman, who said
the allusion was a very odd one, ' but this I know sir, that the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 273

fire of intellect attached to it, is not kept up without plenty of
Cole !' Soon after KEAN made his appearance in London, a
society was established at the above tavern, under the title o?
' the WOLVES !' the members of which, carried their zeal to such
an extent in favour of the great tragedian, that it was dange-
rous for any new performer to make his appearance in the Metro-
polis, in the character of Richard the Third/'

Turf, who had remained silent during the whole of the
above remarks, with a smile on his countenance observed,
41 deep research does not belong to my book ; or, chronological
events ; but perhaps, it is worthy of your notice, that the late
Lord Barrymore of extravagant, theatrical, and sporting noto-
riety, treated the bargemen upon the Thames with flagons of
Rhenish wine, according to his notions of things, f to make
them men of Taste.' "

" The watermen are waiting for you at the bridge sir," an-
nounced the servant, "and they say you are all right for the
tide, but the sooner you and the gentlemen are afloat, the
better/'

" Tell them we shall be on board immediately ;" replied
Makemoney, "so let us be off, brother Pilgrims to enjoy our
stroll upon the water. The phrase has an odd sound, I admit —
but what I mean is, that not having any direct object in view — we
can either dine at Chelsea ; sup at Richmond, Twicken-
ham, or elsewhere/'

*' Nothing can be more welcome to all of us, I think," said
Flourish — *' therefore, let us make ourselves at home at every
place where we sojourn/'

The Pilgrims were soon under the care of the watermen, and
Makemoney again, on his delightful Thames, quite enraptured
frith the picturesque scenery and objects by which it was sur-
rounded, " I have heanj the banks of the Clyde admired ; the
river Lee, with a beautiful country on each side of it, flowing
towards the cove of Cork ; and the lakes of Killarney, highly
praised as incomparable ; but nevertheless, I say there is no-
thing like the THAMES, take it for ' all in all/ And 1 agree
with Pope to the extent of his description :"

No seas so rich, so gay no BANKS appear,
No lake so gentle, and no spring so clear :
Where tow'ring oaks, their growing honors rear,
And future NAVIES on thy shores appear.
Happy the man, whom this bright court approves,
His sov'reign favours, and his country loves :
Happy next him, who to these shades retires,
Whom NATURE charms, and whom the muse inspired.

" Bravo ! bravo !" said Sprightly.

In the course of the day, Makemoney pointed to a house
which caught his eye, observing, " it remind me of a circum-
stance, when I was a youth, under twenty years of age, during-

2o

274 THE PILGRIM! OF THE THAMES.

an excursion with a boat party on the river. Most of the com-
pany were audacious dogs indeed for frolic and fun.

" The boat was an eight-oared cutter ; and the sitters and row-
ers consisted of about fourteen persons. We landed at the
above house, partook of refreshment, drank a variety of liquors,
smoked our pipes, and no persons could have felt more happy
than ourselves. One of the party, Jack Robinson, the foremost in
ail sorts of mischief, proposed that during- the absence of the
waiter, we should all get off in the best manner we could,
without paying the reckoning-, and come back on some future
day and discharg-e the amount of the bill."

" The idea was adopted instantly ; the whole of us being"
inclined for the joke."

" There was little difficulty in getting off unperceived — the
room was situated at the end of the garden, fronting- the river,
with an ascent of steps — but at some distance from the tavern.
The company walked off by degrees- and during the absence
of the waiter, who had received an order to replenish the whole
of the glasses with liquor ; the remainder of the boat's crew
were off like lightning ; and never did any cutter leave the
shore in quicker style. Before the waiter returned to the room,
the boat was out of sight ; but the crew could scarcely follow
the strokesman for laughing, at the surprise the waiter would
feel on his entering the room to find the whole of the company
had bolted."

" We were quite strangers to the landlord ; and the circum-
stance was a standing joke with us in London for several weeks;
therefore, he had not the slightest clue to our directions. It
served likewise, a tale for the landlord and his servants to all
the different boat-parties that visited the tavern afterwards •
and a variety of comments were passed upon the subject, com-
ing under the terms of dishonesty, trick, fraud, and shabby in
the extreme."

" When the circumstance had subsided for a little time, and
the landlord and his waiter had rather cooled about the run-away,
or rather the row-away boat's party, Jack Robinson collected
the whole of the same company together, and again started for
the room alluded to ; but previously begged of his companions, in
the strongest manner, to put on the most demure faces possible;
and not to betray the slightest hint of the former circumstance.
After landing, and taking their seats exactly, as well as they
could recollect, on the previous occasion, Robinson rang the
bell, and upon the waiter entering the room for orders, he
started back with astonishment: —

Like Garrick's Hamlet's, frighted ghost he stood !

and appeared quite confused: he would have taken to his heels
immediately, to have acquainted his master, if Robinson had not
have spoken sharply to him, saying, ' Waiter, you do not seem
to pay attention to my orders ?'

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL.

c' k Yes — sir — but — I — I — I—'

" ' But what/ replied Robinson.

" The waiter, on quitting- the room, muttered to himself — ' it.
must be the chaps that bolted from here some time ago, with-
out paying- their reckoning-. I ani sure it is them. However, I
will tell my master what I think about it.' He immediately
communicated his suspicions to the landlord, who returned with
the waiter to take a synopsis of the party : when considerable
whispering's took place between them, as to the best manner of
conducting- themselves towards the suspicious persons, in case
they might be mistaken ; and wavering- in their minds, to charg-e
the party with their bad conduct. However, they let it pass
over for a short time, but when the next order was given to
replenish the g-lasses, and something to eat, ' no, by Heavens,'
said he to his waiter, ' I will not stand it a second time ; there-
fore, tell them I shall not send any more liquor without paying
for it on delivery,' and quitted the room in an angry mood.

" Upon the waiter asking- for the money, * it is our intention,
most certainly, to pay what we call for ; but send your master
to us/ said Robinson, ' we do not like to have this affront upon
our honesty/

" On the arrival of the landlord amongst them — he again scru-
tinized the whole of the party, with a most penetrating eye.
But their general appearance of respectability, seemed to defy
anything like dishonesty. Robinson, in a pompous style, asked,
' what doubts have you, sir, respecting our characters ?'

"'None!' replied the landlord, — 'yes — no, — yes I — have;
no, no — yes, it must be ! Both of us can't be mistaken. I am
suspicious — .'

" ' Suspicious !' the whole of the boat's crew rising up indig-
nantly. ' Do you wish for a good ducking in the Thames, Mr.
Host, rnd afterwards well kicked to dry you ? we are not to be
traduced with impunity. So have a care — .'

"The landlord being thus surrounded, and being assailed with
so many loud voices, felt some little intimidation on the subject
— and a sort of confusion in his ideas, whether he had not bet-
ter make an apology for what he had said, and drop the matter,
than to make a direct charge against them for having quitted
his house without paying their reckoning. However, screwing
his courage to the sticking place, he said, * I am rather in a
dilemma ; and I do not wish to give any offence ; but there was
a company of gentlemen — no, not gentlemen — but ."

" ' Be on your guard ! Mind what you say, sir/ from all the
party. ' No unwarrantable allusions.'

'"Well then/ continued mine Host, 'a party of thoughtless
young men — whether for a lark— or, a bit of fun — I know not.
But they forgot — or, I supposed it escaped their memories, to
pay the reckoning.'

" ' Aye! that is nearer the mark/ said Bill Blunt, ' hear him
out, give the sinner fair play.'

THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" ' Do you mean to assert then/ asked Jack Robinson, that we
are the party that went off without paying- our reckoning- V

" ' I will not take my oath of it/ replied the landlord, * but
you cannot hurt me for thinking that I am right/

" A loud burst of laughter followed the last sentence, and Jack
Robinson, holding- out his hand to the landlord, in token of
friendship, said, ' you are right, my friend, we are the party
that bolted ; but it orig-inated in a bit of fun, the lark has been
answered ; and if you will pardon us for the pain we have put
you to — send in your bill, and it shall instantly be discharg-ed.
Neither shall the waiter be neglected ; nay, more, we are deter-
mined to have a dinner here, merely to establish the anecdote ;
and also to convince you, that we are better than we look
to be.'

" I shall never forget that dinner/* observed Makemoney, "; if
I were to live for a thousand years ; none of the party were
capable of returning home that night by ivater, they had made
themseves so very jolly with the large portions of wine they
swallowed, to make amends to the landlord, and drinking suc-
cess to * the bolters !' "

The Pilgrims were perfectly free, and easy in their move-
ments— dininjg at one place, drinking tea at another ; and enjoy-
ing all the picturesque variety of the scene, until the shades of
evening compelled them to retire from the watery element : —
Let India boast her plants, nor envy we
The weeping amber, or the balmy tree ;
While by our OAKS, the precious loads are borne,
And realms COMMANDED which those trees adorn.

The supper over, and the grog upon the table, " we cannot
have a better opportunity, Flourish," said Sprightly, " than the
present, for the anecdote you promised us ; and as we are well
aware that you are a man of gallantry, and met with many
adventures in your time, it is not too much, to expect something
spicy from you, connected with society, in its gayest
moments."

" I must acknowledge, our friend Makemoney, has never lost
t»ight of the NATIONAL during our pilgrimage/* replied Flourish,
"Sprightly has also entertained us with the ' White Lady of
Kew/and Mr. Turf, most interestingly occupied our time with
the extraordinary adventures of the * Match-girl/ therefore, I
have no objection, with your leave and attention, to introduce
to your notice, a slight sketch of ' PULL-AWAY JACK OF THE
FERRY !' connected with old Father Thames ; but there is no
touch of the Frankenstien about it, no ghost, or apparition to
excite horror and fear, and nothing else but a down-right
matter of fact substantial story, connected with flesh and blood:
but with this d iflference, the match-girl was without a heart; a mere
machine ; a vile piece of clay ; and only the outline of a woman.
Howe>er, the young lady, that I have to describe, was all ten-
derm-^, all SOUL, with love of the purest description, apprcciat

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 277

ing- kindness offered to her, tremblingly alive to honour, and
knew the value of constancy, but then she was a modest
female : —

A women's seen in private life alone 1

" By all means/' replied Turf, i( variety is, at all times, sure
to please us, so no more preface, but proceed without delay."

'* Respecting- the birth, parentage, and family connections of
' Pull-away Jack/ " said Flourish, " 1 candidly confess, I am
totally in the dark ; and so was every other person, I believe, that
ever knew him. He was too young* to give any account of him-
self. He dropped from the clouds as it were. But the fact is,
Jack was picked up, soon after daylight, one morning, close
alongside the ferry, at Twickenham. He could cry lustily,
smile now and then, and call out dad, dad, and mam, but no-
thing more ; the clothes he had on him were tolerably decent,
but not the slightest clue remained as to his unnatural parents.

" In after days, whenever his origin was enquired into by in-
quisitive persons, lots of whom are to be found in every parish,
who delight to pick a hole in a man's coat if it answers their
purpose, that Jack was a love begotten child, a natural son — a
by blow — or, in the vulgar, course phrase of the illiterate and
unfeeling — a bastard !

The child, who many fathers share,
Hath seldom known a father's care 1

" Little Jack, it appears, was first discovered by an old
bargeman of the name of honest Joe Morris, who had overslept
himself, and was hurrying towards his craft, to make up for lost
time, when his career was suddenly stopped by the crying of a
little child. Joe lost sight of business in an instant, and imme-
diately went up to him. The bargeman was the father of a large
family ; and proverbially known in the neighbourhood as a good
parent, a kind husband, a steady friend, arid an honest man.
' How came you here/ said he, ' so early, my little one, this
morning?' But the boy was too young to answer the question,
and cried incessantly.

Come on, poor babe I

Some powerful spirits instruct the kites and ravens

To be thy nurses ! Wolves and bears, they say,

(Casting their savageness aside), have done

Like offices of pity 1

" * Hard lines !' exclaimed Joe, ' what unfeeling brutes there
must be in the world, to desert their offspring at such a tender
age to starve, perhaps, to die, for what they care/ Then clench-
ing his fist violently. ' D — n me, if I had but the father and
mother of this poor child here, I would pay no respect to the
law, but I'd give them such a sound drubbing for their brutal
conduct, that they should not be able to leave their beds for a
month, and remember it the longest day they had to live.

" ' What's to be done, I am behind hand with my work, and

THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

time is precious. D — n the work! 1 could not find it in my
heart to leave this poor baby to starve and die unheeded ! No,
nor 1 will not/ taking the baby up in his arms and kissing- it ;
* you are a pretty fellow, and business must give way for a short
time, when our humanity is put to the test. I am a father.
Thank God, I know what are the feelings of a parent, and I will
not disgrace them. I will return home to my wife. Old Bess
is not one of the best tempered women in the world; but never-
theless, she has got a tender heart. I expect to be well blowed
up by her at first, b.ut she will soon afterwards melt into the
mother. Well, never mind, I will vun all risques ; I always have,
and always shall cherish the notions that * good deeds are never
ill-bestowed/ '

" Old Joe hurried back to his cottage with the child in his
arms, and upon entering the doors of it, he said to his wife, —
' Here, Bess, I've brought a present for you. I found this poor
little fellow in the fields crying ready to break his heart, and no
one near him. His forlorn situation touched my feelings, and I
could not pass him by. I am sure his unfeeling, brutes of parents,
have left him, either to perish, or to be picked up by some per-
son and sent to the parish/

'" You need not have been so officious, Joe, what is every
body's business, is nobody's business,' answered his wife, rather
angrily ; ' therefore, you had better have minded your work, as
you know you are behind hand with it ; and have left it to
somebody else, who has more time on their hands, to have taken
care of the child. Besides, you know we are too poor to do any
thing for the neglected baby; we have already, too many-
children of our own. We can scarcely get bread for them.'

" * What, Bess, do you refuse this poor child house room,'
replied Joe, almost getting into a passion ; ' you do not mean it,
I am sure. Suppose now, you had lost one of your children,
only lost one of your boys or girls, what would you say to any
person who took care of them for a short time, until they found
out their parents ?'

" ' Say not another word, Joe/ said his wife, taking the boy in
her arms ; i he is a pretty fellow. Give him house room, aye,
bread and butter too, and a bed, if he should want it. But I
have no patience — ray curses attend on all such wretches ! who
could leave such a sweet boy unprotected in the wide world ;
but the punishment of God will overtake them in their
wickedness !'

"'Give me a kiss, Bess/ replied Joe, joy sparkling in his
eyes ; ' take care of the boy till 1 have finished the job, and
then we will see what can be done for him.'

" ' He shall want for nothing during your absence, Joe/ said
his wife in a tone of voice that indicated true feeling — ' I am a
mother ."

" ' Thai's enough/ urged Joe, and took to his heels as fast at

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. *27^

he eould to make up for the time he had lost ; his mind was now
at rest, he felt that he had done his duty, yet, that he had only
performed the dictates of humanity, and while he was tugging'
at the oar up the river, he appeared so pleased with what he had
done, that he sung" a few lines of one of the late Charles
Dibdin's songs, with a zest that he had never felt before : —

I'm called honest Ben, but for what I don't know,

I only, d'ye see, do my duty ;
'Tis every one's place to lighten the woe

That presses down virtue and beauty 1
Why gold was first made, I can't tell to be sure,

To learning not being addicted ;
Unless it was made to cherish the poor,

To comfort and aid the afflicted !

" 'Perhaps/ said he/ this little fellow, should I live to see him
grow up to manhood, may, one day or another, thank old Joe
for giving him a little succour in the hour of need ! But if he
does not, no matter, I have the consolation to think that I
acted like what every father would have done in the same
situation/

" Old Joe worked double tides, as the watermen say, to get
his job finished, that he might return home to ascertain the fate
of little Jack. In the course of two or three days he found
himself at his own fireside, and was delig'hted to see the little
foundling, playing with his children near his hearth. ' This is,
as it should be/ said Joe, ' I knew, Bess, you was right at the
core, right as a trivet. Your heart was always in the right place,
and I shall love you for your motherly conduct to the little
stranger, better, much better, than ever I did in the whole course
of my life/

" ' Did I not tell you, Joe, that I was a mother !' answered
Bess, ' and I have taken such a liking for the poor boy, that I
shall not like to part with him, and I am only sorry that we are
so very poor, and our family so large, that we cannot make room
for him/

" ' We are poor indeed/ said Joe, ' I feel it keenly at this
moment ; but I will go immediately to the overseers of the
parish, and take the child with me. I will relate the particulars
of my finding him to Mr. Halfloaf, who is not a hard-hearted
fellow upon the whole ; and beg of the latter to see the found-
ling well done by/ The boy, as a matter of .course, was received
into the workhouse, bills and advertisements were put forth,
offering a reward for his unnatural parents, in order to bring
them to justice. But all in vain, no clue could be obtained, or
explanation given on the subject ; the overseer and church-
wardens, therefore, put down in their books Jack-of-the- Ferry,
as one of their bad bargains; but determined to turn him to
some account when the opportunity offered.

" ' Old Joe and his wife, never lost sight of little Jack during-

280 THE PILGRIM* OF THE THAMES

his abode in the workhouse, and called, with a parental care,
frequently to enquire after his improvement and welfare ; giving
him halfpence, apples, and other little presents to please his
mind and make him comfortable. This conduct towards littie
Jack produced a kindred feeling1 between them, he called old
Joe his father, and Bess his mother ; and he expressed more
attachment to them, than any other persons in the world. He
grew apace a nice child, and in spite of his mean apparel —
workhouse clothing1, there seemed something* about his person,
that betokened better thing's.

"Personal appearance is, g-enerally, considered one of the
greatest recommendations in life ; respecting1 its existence there is
no denial, however difficult it may be accurately to define!
Dress that man in the best manner you can, is frequently the re-
mark, and he will never look like a gentleman. You will like--
wise hear it said, that lady has the appearance of a duchess : her
attitude is commanding1, her appearance prepossessing, and her
genteel air and carriage, speaks for her, without the aid of a
trumpeter to announce her qualifications, that she is a female of
superior pretentions. Also, such and such a child belongs to a gen-
tleman, lam sure, his looks are so very different from other boys ;
so it occurred with Jack, although in his very humble, nay, low
occupation and condition in life ; yet, there was a certain some-
thing about him altogether, which attracted the attention of a
number of persons en passant, that they could not account for.
But it is an every day feeling in society.

"In the course of a few years, when quite an urchin, he got
tired of the confined limits and rules of the workhouse, and with-
out taking any thing like a formal leave of the officers of the
institution, he left them to seek his fortune in the wide world.
The banks of the Thames was the first spot of ground that pro-
duced him a halffjenny, amongst the boatmen in the character of
' Jack-in-the-watcr /'

" At the period alluded to, he might have been compared to a
duck, as he nearly lived in the river ; the expense of shoes he
avoided, and a hat was of little account with Jack, his feet were
scarcely ever dry, arid his head frequently endured the 'pitiless,
pelting storm/ But the rude elements did not appear to annoy
him ; use, it is said, becomes second nature. In process of time
his frame was like iron, he possessed prodigious strength, but he
never used it improperly to irritate or ill use any person ; in dis-
position, he was tractable, and inoffensive as a lamb. The world
was almost a blank to him : and he, therefore, from this chasm
in his mind, endeavoured to make every man his friend. In
truth, Jack was a true child of nature: he was poor and content,
and the luxury, wh'ch riches affords to the opulent man, were
unknown to his feelings. He always appeared satisfied when
he got a belly-full by his industry, and it is not unlikely but he
ate his cms!, with more happiness than did his monarch !

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 281

"The designation of' PULL- AWAY/ was given to him by the
watermen, from the readiness he displayed when a passenger
wanted a boat in a hurry, and which might have been at some
distance from the shore ; his exertions were so great, that he
would scarcely allow himself time to breathe, he rowed with
such rapidity to earn a penny. The watermen calling out to him
* Pull-away Jack, here's a gentleman to be off! pull-away!
pull-away !' But the overseers of the parish had him christened,
being a foundling, JACK TWICKENHAM !

" His knowledge of men and manners was all acquired in the
streets, or upon the banks of the river, as they crossed his path,
therefore, observation, it might.be read, rather than tuition. He
listened to the stories of the watermen, when unemployed, for
this class of society have their jokes and quaint sayings, like
people of different grades in society ; and who also ' argufy the
topic ' about the things going on in the great world, since
the march of intellect has made such rapid progress in tho
minds of most men, with an earnestness of feeling commensurate
with their betters.

" Time and tide wait for no man, according to an old proverb,
and year after year rolled over Jack's head, with little improve-
ment in his finances, or situation ; however, poverty did not
stint his growth, and he obtained the appellation of a good
looking, athletic lad. Fortune had never given him the shadow
of a purse ; but Nature had been bountiful to him in the ex-
treme, as a finely proportioned young man ; and had Jack have
had the chance of having a suit of clothes made for him by those
splendid apparel furnishers — a Stultz, or a Nugae, who dress up
so many nothings into something like the shape of men by the
ingenuity of art and padding, the odds might have been in ti.s
favour, that he would have been taken for a man of more impor-
tance in the eyes of the population than the meagre, apologies,
phantom-like, appearance of beings, who are classed as people
of fortune and fashion.

" But, although he might have been called a sturdy John Bull
sort of fellow, yet, he was never taunted with being a grumbler.
' All I want/ said he, when consulting old father Joe, on tho
subject, ' is plenty of customers to the boats, and that Jack-in-
the-water should come in for the pence ! I have hitherto con-
trived to make a tidy living by putting THIS and THAT together,
and never refusing any sort of job, heavy or light, so that it pro-
duced the cash/

" ' That's the right mode, my boy/ answered old Joe, e be a
good lad, something will turn out for you, by and by, when you
least expect it. You work very hard it is true, but it is a long
lane that has no turning/

" Old Joe Morris was looked up to as a bit of an oracle, amongst
the bargemen and watermen on the Thames, and at the public-
house door on a fine summer's day, along side of the river, when

2 P

282 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

no work claimed his attention, or during a long1 winter's night,
when stories beguile the time over their pots of porter and
glasses of grog-, if old Joe couldn't spin a yarn as long-, or with
as much talent as T. P. Cooke, in Black-eyed Susan, he, never-
theless, could tell some tougj-h stories.

" Old Joe was also an arbitrator upon many knotty points res-
pecting- rowings-matches, and other events connected with the
River Thames ; and his decisions generally gave satisfaction.
He was a kind of stud-book, in his own person — a racing, or
rather a rowing calendar, upon the water. The pedigrees of
all the crack-watermen were at his fingers ends— he knew all
their bearings — their different styles — strength — and aquatic
sporting tricks — equal to a Crockford or a Bland upon a Race-
course. He was a lively companion, — Joe could sing a good
song — in short, his character went before him, that he was a
fine, jolly, kind-hearted fellow, and ready to do a good turn,
whenever it lay in his power ; and in his peculiar situation in
life — JOE MORRIS was looked upon as a hero. He was quite
the idol of <; pull-away Jack," the latter did not think there
was half such a clever fellow as his old father, in the world : —

All these to hear :

Would Twickenham Jack seriously incline;
But still the boat affairs would draw him hence,
Which ever as he could, with haste dispatch,
He'd come again, and with a greedy ear,
Devour up old Joe's discourse.

" But an unexpected, accidental circumstance took place, in
favour of Jack — which not only took him out of the water, but
ultimately made a man of him. His high courage and human-
ity, were his recommendation to fame and fortune. Well may
it be said, that from f little causes, great events arise.'

" It should seem, that some dashing young sparks, who had
been dining at Richmond — and who had also taken too much
wine after it, nay, were completely inebriated ; and quite inca-
pable of conducting themselves with propriety, on the land ;
much more with correctness on the water, and to render it
worse, altogether amateur rowers. In their violence and stupi-
dity, and quarrelling amongst themselves, they struck against a
boat, in which were seated, an elderly gentleman and his
daughter, with such force, as nearly to upset it.

" This rude, ungentlemanly conduct, produced a strong
remonstrance from the old man, to the youngsters in the eight-
oared cutter: high words immediately ensued between them ;
the young lady became frightened — hastily left her seat in the
scuffle — fell overboard, and was nearly drowned.

" The agony and exclamations uttered by the old gentleman,
on seeing his only child in the water, and in -danger of losing
her life, cannot be portrayed : they were of the most heart-rend-
ing description.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 283

" Jack, on witnessing the accident, plunged into th« river,
with the rapidity of lightning: he could swim like a iish — he
soon came near the spot — and caught hold of the young lady,
just as she was sinking, and nearly exhausted. He held her
with one hand — and with the other, made his way safe to the
shore, ran with his charge to the nearest tavern — called the land-
lady and maid-servants — then darted off again, with the celerity
of a greyhound for a medical man ; he returned to the tavern,
with the doctor, and soon had the satisfaction to learn, that the
young lady had recovered, in some degree, from her exhausted
state, and was likely to do well.

" The father also, upon ascertaining the report to be true,
could not contain his joy, ' Brave, young fellow/ said he,
' you have recalled me from the grave ! I should have died
broken-hearted: I am sure I never could have survived her
loss. It is impossible that I can ever repay you as you deserve
in my estimation — to risk your own life, to preserve my dear
child. Here, take my purse/

" 'Lord bless you, sir/ replied Jack, * there was no risk about
my life ; I have only done my duty towards a fellow-creature.
I can swim twice, three-times as far as I went, with ease ; and
you are quite welcome : but if you can spare a trifle for poor
Jack-in-the-water, that will satisfy me, kind ST, and I will
thank you kindly/

"'A trifle for poor Jack/ said the old gentleman, ' I will
make you a rich Jack. I am indebted to, you for the future
pleasure and happiness of my life. 1 will make it the best
day's work you have ever done, since you was born. Here is
my purse, and accept whatever sum is in it — you merit every
reward that I can bestow upon you. Tell me who you are ;
what is your calling ? that I may better your prospects in lifo.
My daughter, when she is able to see you, shall make an
acknowledgment for your humane exertions, in her behalf/

" ' I am a very poor young man, sir, with no other recom-
mendation, that I knew of, sir, but my honesty ; and am
anxious to get a living in the best manner I am able. I never
had a father, and mother/

" ' Not that you remember, perhaps/ replied the old gentle-
man,— { left an orphan, I suppose/

"' Yes, sir/ said Jack, ' you are right, I never knew them,
nor any body else that I could call a relation : I am quite alone
in the world. I get my bread out of doors, by the side of the
river ; but may God bless you, for your generosity to a
poor lad/

"'Well, never mind what you are — I will be a friend to
you ; and if your conduct hereafter merits my esteem, I will be
as good as a father to you. In the first place, leave your call'
ing ,- and with the trifling sum you may find in the parse,, buy

284 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

yourself some decent apparel ; and, in the course of two or
three days, call at my house in towu. Here is my direction,
handing- his card over to Jack. ' MR. RUTHERFORD, Dowgate
Hill:' where I shall be g'lad to see you,' at the same time, grasp-
ing- the hand of Jack, with great warmth of friendship. The
latter made a scrape with his foot, a nod with his head, some-
thing like a bow, and took leave of his benefactor.

" Upon the return of Jack to his wretched hovel of a lodging",
he emptied the contents of the purse — and to his astonishment,
his sparkling eyes beheld ten pounds. He could scarcely be-
lieve what he saw; and he counted them over and over again,
before he could satisfy himself with the amount. Jack lost no
time in buying- himself a suit of clothes — two shirts, of a better
texture than had ever covered his back — a hat — and everything
requisite to give him a tidy, if not a respectable appearance.

" In his new * rig out/ he went for the opinion of his old
father, Joe, before he would venture to show himself at the
house of Mr. Rutherford — * How do I look in my new clothes?'
said he, ( I should not like to disgrace the house of the g-entle-
man, who has behaved so kind to me.'

te ' Look, my boy, at all events, like a man/ answered Joe,
delighted in the change of circumstances of the poor foundling
child, that he had picked up at the ferry. c But never mind
your locks — don't get proud — and whatever g-ood fortune awaits
you — never let change of circumstances make you forget your-
self. 1 think, saving- the young lady's life, may do for you,
more than you expect, Her father is a rich man, and may get
you a good place in the Docks, or the Custom-House. So keep
your weather-eye up, my boy/

" At the appointed time, he presented himself at the mer-
chant's door, and enquired with the greatest submission, not to
say, accompanied with fright and apprehension, as to the recep-
tion he might meet with from Mr Rutherford and his daughter.
Jack gave a single knock at the door : or rather, no knock at all,
but of the description which the late George Colman states, —
* as if the knocker, by chance, had slipped through his
fing-ers ]'

"Upon the servant opening the door to him, he scraped his
foot, and bowed with the greatest modesty and diffidence. The
servant seeing- Jack was a novice, and a poor man, with an
air of authority, asked his business, and what name he should
tell his master.

" * Pull-a way-Jack,' he replied, with a bow almost to the
ground.

" ' Pull-a way-Jack !' echoed the man-servant — ' Ha ! ha ! ha !
What an odd name ! I never heard of such a one before. You
must be mistaken in the house. My master is too much of a
gentleman to know such a person. So Mr. Pull -a way- Jack,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL, 285

you had better try it on somewhere else. I should be afraid to
take up such a name to my master. Ha ! ha ! ha ! pull-away-
Jack, indeed.'

" Such a reception confused the poor fellow, beyond des-
cription : after some hesitation, scarcely knowing- how to act,
Jack said, — ' be kind enough, sir, to inform your master, it is
one, Jack Twickenham — from — who — /

" ' I tell you again, my good man, you must be mistaken.
What business can you have with my master? He is a very
particular gentleman ; and my orders are very strict, not to
admit any person to him, without he has some knowledge of
them/

" ' Yes, sir,' replied Jack, ' he does know there is such a per-
son : but I am quite a stranger to him. I only saw him two or
three days ago ; but he gave me his card, told me to call upon
him, and here it is/

" ' Aye, aye, that alters the case! you are right, my friend,
and I will take it to my master. So come in, and remain in the
hall, while I go to Mr. Rutherford/ Upon the livery-servant
approaching his master, he observed, with a supercilious grin
on his face, ' Here is a man, below stairs, sir, who calls himself
Pull-away-Jack, wishes to see you ; but I did not like to admit
him/

'" And why not, sir?' I wish you was only half as good a
man, or, lived so much in my memory, as Pull-away-Jack.
Let me have no more impertinence, but shew the person up to
me, immediately/

(< ' I beg your pardon, sir, what I did was for the best/

" ' Well, then/ said Mr. Rutherford, ' behave better in future ;
as it is my desire, that every person, who comes to enquire after
me, may be treated with proper respect/

" ' Who would have thought this pull-away- Jack was a man
of so much consequence,' observed the servant, muttering to
himself, in a whisper, as he quitted the apartment of his
master.

" Jack's knees positively knocked together, he felt so much
embarrassed, upon entering the elegant drawing-room of Mr.
Rutherford, which the latter perceiving, said, < compose your-
self, my noble fellow/ Shaking him heartily by the hand. * I
am very glad to see you, sit yourself down, and make yourself
as comfortable, and as easy in your mind, as if you was at home.
I feel myself very much indebted to your courage and human-
ity ; and I am anxious to promote your interest. What can I
do for you V

" ' I am thankful, sir, for your kindness already : I arn well
paid. Had the person have been a beggar, and in the same
danger, I should have felt it my duty to have exerted myself to
save the life of a fellow creature. It was neither trouble, risk,
nor danger to me/

%2S6 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" ' Well said, my brave young man ; I applaud your notions/
said Mr. Rutherford, ' you can read and write, I suppose V

" ' Yes sir, a little/ answered Jack, ' I can write my own name,
and another word or two, which Old Joe, the bargeman taught
me, with a piece of chalk upon a hoard, when I had nothing
else to do by the side of the river. In return for Old Joe's
kindness, I used to run of errands for him and his family. He
has been very good to me — and many times he has filled my
belly, when I must have gone without. Several times, sir, in
my life, I have been without the means to buy a bit of bread/

" 'Poor fellow ! poor fellow !' escaped from the lips of Mr.
Rutherford, with a sigh, ' that shall never happen again, while
I live. You must improve yourself, both in reading, and wri-
ting, as fast as you can ; and you shall not want for instruction.
I have got a place for you, in my establishment/

" ' God bless you, sir/ replied Jack, ' I will pray for you the
longest day I have to live : and you shall find me a grateful,
and trusty servant/

" At this juncture, entered Miss Rutherford, a very fine, pre-
possessing young lady ; who, if she could not be called a beauty,
her amiability of character was beyond all praise : ' Here, Ma-
ria, my dear/ said her father, ' is the young man who saved your
life! I told him to call and see me ; and that you should thank
him — I mean, reward him — /

" ' Thanks, my dear father ! Thanks !' replied Maria, ' would
be a very inadequate reward, to the man who saved my life.
But I do thank you, sir/ addressing Jack, ' in the warmest man-
ner that my feelings are capable of conveying to you ; so sin-
cerely do I value your intrepidity. I know it is my father's
intention to better your condition in life ; and he will provide
you with a situation, that will enable you to live like a respect-
able man in society/ Then taking a very handsome silk purse
out of her reticule, with numerous pieces of money in it, pre-
sented it to Jack — ( I beg your acceptance of this trifle, to pur-
chase any little things that you may stand in need of — but the
purse, I hope you will keep, as a remembrance for saving the
life of a fellow creature/

" Jack had not the slightest idea of the fine-looking female,
which Miss Rutherford now appeared to him, when he had her
in his arms, in the water, rescuing her from a watery grave —
her countenance then, was as pale as death — her wet clothes
clinging to her person — rendering her an object of pity — that
he could scarcely believe it was the same person, added to the
penetrating tones of the voice of Maria, and the warmth with
which she addressed him ; to assert he looked bashful — shy —
confused — foolish, would not be half strong enough, to convey
his real situation, and feelings, to the reader.

" Jack had never been in such company before in his life.
He could not articulate a word, in return for the kindness and

VN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 287

condescension which he had received, both from the father, and
daughter — his tongue positively forsook its office ; but after
some little time, he. faintly articulated, ' I — I — I — am but a poor
ignorant young fellow, Miss ! I do not know what to say. I
am rewarded by your kind-hearted father, and yourself, much
more than I required. 1 am satisfied, and I thank you, over
and over again. But for the purse,' looking at it, and put-
ting it to his lips, with a sigh that spoke volumes — ' I never
will part with it, but with my life.' This act of gallantry,
— the effects of nature — let it be either one or the other,
made his fortune.

" Jack's mode of distinguishing the value of the purse, touch-
ed the feelings of Maria, in a way that she could not have con-
templated, ignorant as he might have been in the ways of the
world, still there was eloquence about the transaction.

" ( I have a little advice to give you, young man, nay, a re-
quest/ observed Maria, with one of the most pleasing and per-
suasive tones ever uttered by any female — ' that is, to be very
circumspect in your conduct. Be particularly attentive to my
dear father's instructions. The world you are now about to mix
with is a very dazzling one, a different sphere altogether to what,
hitherto, you have been acquainted with, and you must take care
not to be deceived by the shadows instead of the substance. My
father will have you instructed by clever and patient tutors ;
and so much interest do I feel in your future prosperity, that I
will hear you repeat your lessons, whenever you think proper to
ask me, in order that not a minute may be lost towards your
capability to fill the situation which my father is about to con-
fide in you; also, your improvement as, a young man, and a re-
commendation to the good circles of society.'

" To have answered this delightful, most grateful creature, and
the excellent advice given him by Miss Rutherford, might have
shaken to the centre a much more experienced man than Jack.
He blushed, stammered, bowed, looking up to the ceiling of the
room, then down upon the floor, squeezed the rim of his hat
almost to pieces unknowingly, his eyes full of tears ; in short,
description, however accurately penned, must fall short of
the confused portrait of Pull -away Jack in the presence of Miss
Rutherford. At last, almost blubbering, he said, ' I will do my
best to please you and your father, miss, it is my duty to do so.'
Then turning aside to wipe away the drops which were fast
stealing down his iron cheeks ; such are the effects of kindness
and generosity, where NATURE reigns paramount.

" * I will provide a comfortable lodging for you, near to my
house/ said Mr. Rutherford to Jack, 4 and will also allow you
a sufficient salary to render you respectable. You shall not want
for my assistance, neither towards acquiring a good knowledge of
accounts. For the first part of your servitude you will only have
to attend upon me ; until I find you capable of fulfilling a better
situation in my establishment. However, I will point out to you

"288 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

in the clearest manner the thing's, or business, that you wilt have
to transact, and I am not afraid but you will answer all my
wishes/

" Jack expressed his gratitude to Mr. Rutherford, and felt as
light as a cork. The happiness which now seemed to surround
him, gave him new life, a second creation ; he became, as it were,
regenerated, and to all intents and purposes, quite another sort
of being.

" Jack entered upon the lodgings provided for him by his
master, without delay, and the tailor of the latter, had orders to
furnish him with a good suit of clothes, he, therefore, commenc-
ed his new career with no traces about him of his previous low
condition in life. He was immediately placed under the requi-
site tutors to bring him forward as fast as possible, in order that
he might be of service to himself and to his patrons. They were
also requested to be patient with him upon all occasions, in
consequence of his education having been totally neglected, and
to explain every thing in the most clear and forcible mode in
their power, that he might comprehend thuir meaning with ease
and facility.

" Jack, who had been so long obscured in the walks of igno-
rance, and most likely, if the above fortunate accident for him,
had not occurred, he might have remained in the dark, as
to acquirements, all his life. His eyes were rapidly opened
with surprise, unto the delightful subjects which were present-
ed to his view ; and he was determined to improve the chance
which now displayed itself so favourably to himself. He had
always been of an active mind, although he had not had the op-
portunity of improving it. He, therefore, listened with raptures
to the instructions which were given to him daily, his improve-
ment was great, his tutors were pleased with Jack's exertions
and attention to their precepts, and his master was equally
satisfied with his conduct. But Miss Rutherford was more than
delighted with his quickness and perception, her views respect-
ing Jack, were of another description, that will be clearly
seen at a future part of the story, which might be out of place
to develope here.

" Time rolled on pleasantly, and every minute was most sedul-
ously employed by Jack to render himself of importance to his
patron ; he entered into all the spirit of the thing, and the incal-
culable advantage it might be to him at some future day, were
the uppermost thoughts in his mind.

" In a short time his readings were considered tolerably good,
his writing plain and distinct, united with quickness ; but his
knowledge of accounts, of which he seemed to be remarkably
fond, rather astonished the whole of them, which endeared him
to his master in so great a degree, as to make him a sort of con-
fidential servant in ^noney transactions. He was also, eminently
indebted to Mr. Rutherford for an insight into those intricate
matters for a novice to comprehend.

4| IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 289

" But no one took so much pains with Mr. Twickenham, for
that was the appellation he had acquired at the house of his
benefactor, as did Miss Maria Rutherford. The improvement in
his person, dress, manners, conversation, &c., were equally rapid ;
nay, in so great a degree, that it would have been a libel to have
made a comparison between Mr. Twickenham, of Dowgate Hill,
and ' Jack-of -the- Ferry ,' so immense was the change altogether.
But the secret of the ferry remained as close as possible within
the hearts of the lather and daughter.

" Maria had heard him repeat his lessons, looked over, and
corrected, his writing- for him, opened his eyes to a clear and
distinct view of well-bred society in all its bearing's ; and to her
great satisfaction, found, that not a single wrord she had ever be-
stowed upon him, in the form of instruction, but had indelibly
been treasured up in his mind. But Miss Maria Rutherford before
she could dismiss it form her bosom, found out that her pupil, her
preserver, as she called him, was essential to her happiness by
another title ; she never told her love, it is true ; neither did
she ' conceal it in the bud/ yet any person conversant with the
family might have perceived with half-an-eye, who was the
object of her choice ! The poor, but distant Jack-of-the-
Ferry !

" There is little doubt but the latter saw it, and felt the pas-
sion with as much warmth as the love-sick Romeo ; but then, he
also felt, by comparison, his low origin and dependant state,
when put in competition with Miss Rutherford, that it might be
said of Jack, ' He pined in thought ' with hopes that never
could be realized.

" With a sightly person, a handsome fortune, and the only
daughter of a rich merchant, it cannot excite any surprise that
Miss Maria Rutherford in the bloom of youth, had a host of
suitors aspiring to obtain her hand. Her father was continually
assailed with offers to become the 'happy man!* Several of the
proposals to wed his daughter were of the most undeniable nature
in every point of view, but his answers to all of them — e The
happiness of my daughter is nearest my heart ; I will give her
my advice on that most important event of her life, respecting
her choice of a husband ; but I will not use any thing like com-
mand, she shall be entirely free, and I am not afraid of her dis-
cretion, or judgment. Then I cannot be blamed : nor ill-nature,
or selfish motives be levelled at my conduct !'

" All her suitors were rejected, and when pressed very closely
on the subject by her admirers, her answer to one and all, was
— ( That she had made up her mind not to change her situation
for several years :' in consequence of which declaration, they
were all dismissed with politeness and respect.

" The frequent intercourse which Twickenham had with
Maria, arid with the permission of her father, was likely, in the
end, to produce a much stronger attachment than applies to the

2 Q

290 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

term of friendship ! A young lady reading- to a gentleman, also
pointing out to him a mode of life for his happiness , or vice
versa, a gentleman acting upon the same principles to a female,
often leads to the hymeneal altar. We read in Richardson's
celebrated novel of Sir Charles Grandison, that the highly ac-
complished Baronet taught Clementina to read English, and ad-
mire the beauties of Shakspeare ; at the same time, she lost her
heart imperceptibly, and which had nearly led to tragical
consequences. Therefore, it will not cause anything like astonish-
ment to assert, that Miss Maria Rutherford was less invulnerable
to the charms of love than her sex in general ; or, that Twicken-
ham was incapable of bowing to the powerful influence of
NATURE !

" Doomsday, perhaps, might have arrived before the latter
could have urged his suit, his own inferiority stared him too
strongly in the face, he might have been spurned for his pre-
sumption, and he could not have broken silence in the character
of a lover, admitting Maria to have been the sole object of his
wishes. Twickenham had often and often expressed his grati-
tude, in the strongest manner possible, for her attention and
kindness to promote his interests: and gratitude, it is said, is one
of the stepping stones to love. His courage in every other
point of view, might have been classed with a NELSON !

" He weighed all these things in his mind, one rash step —
an offer of his hand to the daughter of his patron, might have
blasted all his future prospects in life, driven him from her pre-
sence, and deprived him of the confidence and good-will of her
father. He paused. This must account for his apparent cold-
ness ; yet this forbearance, on his part, added to the humility of
his behaviour, when contrasted with the warmth which Miss
Rutherford evinced for him, at length, secured his happiness,
made him, not only a happy fellow, but a man of some weight
in the eyes of his country, and the founder of a family !

i( It has been laid down, as an argument, by the enlightened
part of society, that if an individual possesses a ' strong mind/
and he feels determined to push his fortune if a chance is offered
to him, that ' impediments vanish ; and difficulties are over-
come.' Cobbett, may be quoted as an instance, he acquired the
French tongue while doing duty as a common soldier, in a sen-
try box; and ultimately published grammars both in the Eng-
lish and French languages ; and numerous other instances might
be produced to shew the advantages of perseverance. No
sooner did the glorious opportunity present itself to Twicken-
ham to extricate himself from misery and poverty, than he em-
braced it with the most enthusiastic ardour. A few days only,
made a visible alteration in his person and knowledge ; a month,
did wonders ; but at the expiration of a year, he had so far ad-
vanced in his studies, that, without offending propriety, he might
have been viewed as a 'rising young man!' True, he, Jack,

IN SEARCH OP THE NATIONAL. 291

had, what is termed, the stuff about him., to become a prominent
feature in life ; but at one period of his career, the mere antici-
pation of such an event, would have been laughed at, and put
down, as ' building- castles in the air !'

" The inherent good qualities of Twickenham, soon began to
display themselves, when he began to feel his way in society;
and the remembrance of the kind offices which he had received
at various times from old Joe and his wife, when he could not
help himself, had fastened so strong upon his memory, that he
lost no time in acting upon the old adage, that ' one good turn
deserves another/

"To the extent of their circumstances, they had behaved to
Jack like parents ; and if he did not intuitively feel, towards
them, like a child does to his father and mother, according to
the ties of nature, his real attachment towaids the bargeman and
his wife, was not a jot behind. He had been too well acquaint-
ed with extreme poverty, for nearly the whole of his life, and
was well aware that they had a large family to provide for with
very scanty means : they were also advancing in years, and that
a trifling present, now and then, would not only prove accept-
able, but, in a great measure, keep ' the wolf from the door !'

"To the credit of Jack, be it stated, the first few pounds that
he had saved from his allowance, he did not forget his old
friends at Twickenham. He called to see them, when he could
spare the time conveniently ; and although change of. circum-
stances had given him the appellation of Mister, also dressed like
a gentleman, yet in his respect and behaviour to Old Joe, and his
wife, he was still as humble, when he appeared before them, as
Jack-of-the-Ferry.

" He could not do much for them, yet it was a sort of hand-
basket fortune to the old folks, for scarcely a week passed but
they received a good joint of meat from him, half-a-pound of tea,
sugar, cheese, a side of bacon, &c., that made their old hearts
leap with joy, frequently accompanied with exclamations, * God
bless him, he was always a grateful boy ! He deserves good
luck, he matfes such good use of it!' * And I hope, Joe/ said
Bess, ' we shall live to see him ride in his carriage ! Ha ! ha !
ha ! what a thing that would be.'

" But to return to Miss Maria Rutherford, it is true, she might
have had some severe struggles with herself respecting origin,
family pride, degradation, and the sneers of the world to con-
tend against; but atfection — true love, had taken such possession
of her feelings as to triumph over all bbstacles in favour of
Twickenham. But then she wanted the resolution to make her
passion known to the object of her choice. Delicacy, and all the
refined notions of the sex forbade it. For years she never divulg-
ed her situation to her nearest female friend, her pride would
not let her make a confidante : but the secret which had been
so long confined within her bosom, at length burst forth like a

292 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

rag-ing fire ; her tender frame could not sustain the violent
attack. An alarming fit of illness was the consequence ; she
was confined to her bed, and her life in danger. The art of the
physicians was of no avail ; and her complaint was pronounced
out of the power of physic to cure !

So holy and perfect is my love,
And I in such poverty of grace,
That I shall think it a most plentious crop,
To glean the broken ears after the man,
That the main harvest reaps : loose now and then
A scatter'd smile, and that I'll live upon.

" ' My dear Maria/ said her father, c the medical men, who
have attended you, observe that you are not in want of medicines,
but something weighs heavily on your mind, which is the real
cause of your illness. I have always found you an ingenuous
girl, therefore, in me, not only as your father, but friend, con-
fide the source of your affliction. Treat me with candour !'

" Sighs, tears, and convulsive sobs, for several moments, pre-
vented Maria from answering' her indulgent parent, ( You have
been to me from the moment I was born up to the present
period of my life, dear father/ replied Maria, ' generous and
liberal in the extreme ; but much as your love for me exists, and
the liberality of mind which you have displayed upon the most try-
ingoccasions,Iamafraid — I tremble forthe consequence, when you
become acquainted with the extent of my secret; and that you will
tear yourself away from me in anger.' Here she paused for some
time. ' I am ashamed to tell you of my weakness, degradation,
and want of respect to myself and family. For such, I anticipate,
you will call my conduct. My choice is made, and the only
man that I can ever give my hand to as a wife. But if you de-
cide against me, if it breaks my heart, no one shall know it, and
I will keep my sufferings within my own bosom. You shall
never hear a sigh escape from my lips ; I will also endeavour to
assume a cheerfulness in society although I possess it not. But
I will not marry any man, however much I love him, without
the free. consent of my father: this resolution I would rather die
than swerve from. His name — is — is — is — I cannot speak it, my
courage fails me/

u ' I must hear his name, my child/ replied her father, in the
mildest tone ; * Come, compose yourself — tell me !'

•" ' His name is — is — is — Mr. — John — Twickenham/ answered
Maria, hiding her face; i my mind, at all events, is relieved
from a burthen, if I am not made happy by the declaration
of my passion ; but Twickenham is entirely ignorant of it, I
have never given him the slightest hint/

" This declaration appeared to deprive her father of his facul-
ties, and for the instant he stood motionless, when he observed,
in a sorrowful accent, ' My poor girl, my beloved Maria, I must
own this circumstance seriously affects me, the disparagement is

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 293

great indeed. It is true, it was my intention to have forwarded
his views in society on account of saving' your life ; but I could
not have anticipated that I should have been called upon to
have given him my daughter ! However, I will not decide
hastily, nor harshly on the matter ; such a subject requires great
consideration on both our parts, and some little time must elapse
before I can give a decisive answer. I am very glad that
Twickenham is in the dark upon the matter at issue ; and that
you have not made the first advances. I must confess, you have
opened your mind to me like a good, prudent girl: and that will
have great weight in my decision/

" Her father was not one of those flinty-hearted old gentle-
men that we see depicted in a novel, or who struts his hour
upon the stage, like a raving lunatic, but on the contrary, Mr.
Rutherford was a sensible considerate man.

" In point of argument, there was nothing so very objection-
able against the match, if we pass over the obscurity, origin, and
want of property on the part of Twickenham, and to a sensible
mind, where the happiness of a beloved daughter was at stake,
it might be said, he had been some years upon trial, and not found
wanting in the scales of quality, either as to manners, sense, or
good conduct. Twickenham also had been moulded to their
wishes ; he had likewise been taught under their eye all the
acquirements requisite for a man to pass muster in the good cir-
cles of society.

" Respecting the weakness, infatuation, gratitude, or love,
displayed by Miss Rutherford in making such a choice, and des-
cending from her sphere in life, the celebrated Duke of Buck-
ingham observed, 'That LOVE, Almighty LOVE, has made
Solomon commit idolatry ; David contrive a murder ; and all
the world, at some time or other, play the fool !' It is likewise
well-known, nay, publicly declared in a court of justice, that the
mind of a distinguished military marquis was, at one period of
his life, so much overwhelmed with the passion of love, that he
rushed at the head of his division, into the hottest fire of the
enemy, more like the violence of a madman than the coolness of
a general ; and the lady, (the mother of a family,) the object of
his wishes, resorted to prayers, day and night, to overcome the
power of an unruly attachment towards the marquis, which
agitated her bosom: therefore, some little allowance may be
made for the amiable Miss Rutherford : —

Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
LOVE can transpose to form and dignity :
LOVE looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste,
Wings, and no eyes, figure unheedy haste :
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in CHOICE he often is beguil'd !

294 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" Twickenham,, it should seem, was a young- man, of all
others, most likely to make the daughter of Mr. Rutherford,
happy — if love did not reign paramount in his heart — gratitude
must indelibly have been placed there — elevated from beggary
to affluence — removed from ignorance to a state of sensibility
and knowledge, in fact : he was indebted to his patron and his
daughter for every thing* in life/

" However, Mr. Rutherford was determined to arrive at the
truth of the matter in doubt ; and in the course of conversation,
one day, observed to Twickenham, as a touchstone of his feel-
ing's,— ' I think, I could recommend to you an excellent match,
whereby you would increase your importance in the eyes of so-
ciety ; add riches to your coffers ; arid ultimately, set down in
life, happily, and contented ; and the lady I am about to propose
to you is of such inestimable value in her own person, as to be
worth all the other considerations put together/

" Twickenham appeared greatly agitated ; and some time oc-
curred before he could make a reply. ' Your offer, sir, I must
admit, is a splendid one ; but let me beg to observe, you always
instilled upon my mind the advantages of truth ; therefore, with
the most respectful deference, permit me to say that circum-
stances, feelings — nay, a prior attachment, is a prohibition to such
a material change in my life, that I should become a miserable
being, instead of a happy man/

" * Indeed !' said Mr. Rutherford. 'I certainly did not expect
such an answer ; but is the lady you allude to, aware of your
passion? Is there reciprocity in your love?'

" 4 The lady is quite ignorant of my attachment ; I never dared
to presume to mention it to her. Therefore, I cannot say a word
about reciprocity/

'" This is candid, fair, and honorable, I must admit,' replied
Mr. R. ' Do I know the female in question ? Have I ever seen
her; because I might be inclined to say a word or two in your
behalf — as I am always anxious to promote your welfare V

"( You have known the lady for a long time, sir; but I cannot
flatter myself that you will give me a recommendation in that
quarter ? I do not expect it, however great your kindness to-
wards me ! There is an insurmountable bar between us. Be-
cause

" * What ! State your reasons/ said Mr. Rutherford.

" ' My origin — obscurity of birth — and very low situation in
life, during my earlier years, love always checked my presump-
tion, and paralyzed my tongue whenever I was tempted to pro-
pose such a match ; and, therefore, the secret of my attachment
must, for ever, remain enveloped in my bosom ; and most likely
descend with me into the grave/

'" Then you will not name the lady V asked Mr. R.

" ' To refuse you anything*, sir, would be next to an impossbility
to me — being under so many obligations to your kindness ; but in

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 295

the present instance, I cannot — dare not — I have not the courage !
Your displeasure might overwhelm — if not deprive me of your
patronage, and order me for ever out of your sight.'

" ' Say no more !' answered Mr. Rutherford, ' I perceive your
agitation! I know it all, and I must applaud your circumspec-
tion and good conduct. But it is quite clear to me, that Miss
Rutherford is the object of your choice. Be it so ! I will not
check, nor disappoint your ambition ; and regardless of the
sneers of society, my mind is made up — I will give you the hand
of my daughter in marriage. A richer match might have been
procured for her, there is no doubt ; but a better man, I am free
to say, according" to the best consideration I have given to the
subject cannot be found to make her a good husband. Twick-
enham, you saved her life ; that circumstance will never be ob-
literated from my memory — then my only request is, that you.
will, for the remainder of her existence, make it happy and
contented: as she may never have the slightest occasion to re-
gret that she had wrongly estimated the man whom she had selec-
ted as her companion and protector. Here Maria !'

" Upon the entrance of his daug-hter, he caught hold of her
hand, and presented it to Twickenham. ' I give my daug-hter
freely to you — my heart applauds the deed ; and may every
blessing- await upon your union/ To describe the joy upon the
countenances of Maria and her lover — the happiness of their
minds : and their anxiety to thank the liberality of feeling- dis-
played by the father of Maria, is impossible ; but on their going
to reply : —

" ' Not another word upon the subject ; ' said Mr. R. ' but
from this hour, I look upon you as my SON-IN-LAW ! and also
a Partner in the establishment/

How all the other passions, fleet to air,

As doubtful thoughts, and rash embraced despair,

And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealously.

0 love, be moderate, allay thy ecstasy,

In measure rein thy joy, scant this excess ;

1 feel too much thy blessing, make it less,
For fear I surfeit !

" For years afterwards, the names of RUTHERFORD and
TWICKENHAM were well known as the " Great House," near the
Royal Exchang-e ; and when the senior partner was called to
the tomb of his fathers — Twickenham ALONE, stood equally
important in the eyes of the commercial world, on the change ,
embellished with civic honors, and in the House of Commons as
an M. P. Several children blessed their union ; and the once
"poor Jack of the ferry" became the FOUNDER of a family
of repute, in the greatest city of the world. Such are the
chances attached to life."

After breakfast, the next morning, Turf, who was a decided
angler, proposed to the Pilgrims to have a day's fishing in the

296 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

the neighbourhood of Hampton ; it being considered one of the best
places on the river for good sport. The proposition met with
approbation from the whole of the party.

" I am not very fond of the sport/' said Makemoney, " and
as to the character of a fisherman., I have not the slightest pre-
tensions ; there is nothing of the Izaak Walton about my com-
position ; but nevertheless, I will not be singular upon the occa-
sion ; and I have no doubt but the variety of it, will afford me
plenty of amusement/'

" It is a most healthful pastime," observed Flourish, " and
tends to longevity in a great degree ; a proof of wrhich is not
wanting : according to Walton, Dr. Nowell lived to the
great age of ninety-five years, forty-four of which he had been
dean of St. Paul's Church ; and that his age had neither impaired
his hearing, nor dimmed his eyes, nor weakened his memory,
nor made any of the faculties of the mind weak or useless.
'Tis said, that angling and temperance were great causes of
these blessings ' Besides, according to Plutarch, angling was
a favorite amusement in the days of Marc Antony and Cleopatra,
and that in the midst of their wonderful glory, they used angling
as a principal recreation."

"True, every syllable of what you have uttered is the perfect
truth," answered Sprightly ; " and to add to your assertion,
Izaak Walton also lived to the age of ninety-three !"

•* I am pleased to find that my friends are such advocates for
angling ; and I must acknowlege/' urged Turf, " that I never
feel anything like so much gratified as when I am by the side of
a river, engaged in the delightful sport." Singing to Make-
money : —

In the morning, up we rise, soon as daylight peeping,

Take a cup to cheer the heart, leave the sluggard sleeping,

Forth we walk, and merry talk, to some pleasant river,

Near the THAMES silver streams, there we stand, rod in hand,

Fixing right, for a bite, all the time the fish allure,

Come leaping, skipping, bobbing, biting,

Dangling at our hooks secure ;

With this pastime, sweet and pure, we could fish for ever.

Turf, from his knowledge and experience as an angler, caught
lots of fish; and Flourish and Sprightly were likewise tolerably
successful ; but Makemoney could not get a single nibble — a
bite, was out of the question. Indeed, the mind of the latter
was more occupied with the scenery and the different parties,
passing up and down the river, than paying attention to his rod
and line. " How is it ?" said the old citizen, " that you are all
so fortunate ; and I am so very unlucky ?"

" You do not woo the fish. You do not offer them any attrac-
tion," answered Turf — " the fish at times, require as much coax-

ing as the ladies before they are caught ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
" If that is the case," replied Makemoney, "I an

am rather

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 297

afraid the chance is against me; but I will endeavour to follow your
advice/' Shortly afterwards Makemoney began to cry out,
'' Halloo ! halloo ! get your landing-net, Flourish ; by the tug-
Hging, or weight at the end of my line, 1 must have caught a
whale ! Look out ! look out ! or else I shall lose the monster."

They were all directed to the calls of the old citizen, to wit-
ness what sort of a fish he was about to ge»t into the
landing-net.

" Gently ! gently !" said Turf, " take care he does not break
your line ; be ready with the net, Mr. Flourish ?"

Curiosity was now at the utmost stretch, to behold the prize ;
when the head of an old dog was perceived just above the wa-
ter. " What the deuce have we got here ? I never saw any-
thing like it at Billingsgate," observed Makemoney.

The whole of them set up a loud laugh at the dog's head.
" Not at Billingsgate ?" said Turf. " No, no, more likely at
Sharp's Altey, Cow Cross ; but it has been rather too long in
the water to make "

" Confound the beast," replied Makemoney, a little out of
temper for the moment, finding the laugh against him, and in-
stantly pulling out his pen-knife, cut the line, " let the hook and
dog go to the bottom, I will not use it any more."

In a short time afterwards, they returned to the Red Lion, at
Hampton, to sup off their dish of fish ; to spend the evening
comfortably together; to laugh over the adventures of the
line and rod ; and on finishing the evening, Turf caught hold of
the old citizen's hand in the most friendly mariner, singing,

" Then praise the jolly fisherman,

Who takes what he can get ;
Still going on his better's plan,

AlVs fish that comes to net.

Ha! ha! ha!"

" Have your joke." replied Makemoney ; " I will not be an-
gry with you, but after all, 1 have acted according to the hint on
the board — FISH may not be caught here. Ha ! ha ! ha !"

The next day, Windsor Castle was the great object of attrac-
tion with the Pilgrims ; the morning was inviting, the row up
the river truly pleasant, and every thing went on as agreeably as
they could wish; but during the time they were resting upon
their oars, Makemoney was describing to the ladies some
anecdotes, connected with the above ancient palace of royalty.
" Windsor Castle," said he, " is thus described by Hogarth, in
his Analysis of Beauty ; it is a noble instance of quantity. The
hugeness of its few distinct parts, strikes the eye with uncom-
mon grandeur at a distance as well as nigh. It is quantity with
simplicity which makes it one of the finest objects 'in the king-
dom ; though void of any regular order of architecture."

A boat full of Eton boys, whom it should seem, 'were deter-

2R

298 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

mined for a spree, rowed right against them, as if by accident
and instead of apologizing for their rude behaviour, although
they saw females in the boat ; one of the scholars, a young sprig
of nobility : one of those juvenile creatures, born with a silver
spoon in his mouth, only to know misery and poverty by name ;
to threaten arid command ; to throw people out of window, if
it pleased their fancy, and afterwards tell the waiter to charge
them in the bill ; to wrest off knockers from doors, at the very
witching time of night ; to ring bells, and alarm the nervous
of both sexes in their beds ; and other little harmless pranks,
the mere eifects of boyhood — and matters of no consequence to
persons of rank in society. The Etonians looked upon Make-
money as one of the right sort of plainly dressed folks that a
lark might be practised upon with impunity, thus addressed him,
— " I say, old tradesman, mind where you are driving with your
flat-bottomed barge , do you want to upset us children ? Attack
your match, and don't meddle with us boys !"

" Better language, if you please, young gentlemen," said
Makemoney, " such phrases do not become you, I'm sure ; after
endeavouring to insult us ! Eton, I am aware, is distinguished
for its scholastic acquirements ; but if such rude conduct is a
specimen of its good breeding: I shall pronounce it the worst
seminary in the kingdom."

" Good breeding, indeed ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! A coalheaver like
you, talking of what you do not understand. Why you don't
know the right end of an oar. What do you call that lump
upon your shoulders? But if you are not civil, we'll sprinkle
your dusty jackets." Then in a low tone of voice to his com-
panions, said, "let us give it to them." This was the signal for
a row — when they began to splash the Pilgrims with water,
without any further ceremony — and also putting themselves in
fighting attitudes.

This outrageous conduct of the Eton boys so enraged Make-
money, that in his exertions to catch hold of the ringleader, he
missed his aim, and fell into the water.

This accident produced loud shouts and peals of laughter,
during' the time Flourish and Turf were rescuing Makemoney
from his perilous situation ; if not from a watery grave ! The
Eton scholars singing — " Overboard he vent ; Chip, chow,
cherry chow, fol-de-dol-de-da ! How drunk the old chap is ;
well, he is only mixing his grog ; perhaps adding a little water
to his heavy whet ! It will cool his courage, at all events. Ha !
ha ! ha !" Then dashing their oars into the water — splashing
the Pilgrims all over. But to prevent any mischief to them-
selves, they began to row off with all their strength , and by
way of a finish to the spree, said — " Good night, old butter-fir-
kin ; we wish you better luck another time. Talk of good
breeding — ( Odi profanum, vulgus !' " They were out of sight

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 299

before any redress could be obtained ; indeed, the Pilgrims were
glad to make for the shore, to quiet the fears of the females,
and also to get dry clothes for Makemoney.

When the effects of passion had subsided in the old citizen's
breast, and he had procured a dry suit of clothes, he laughed
heartily at the adventure over his grog" ; " it might have been
worse," said he, " I have been more frightened than hurt, it is
true ; and I recollect I was once a boy myself, I'll forget it."

" Yes, sir," replied Flourish, " it is the enthusiasm and excite-
ment of youth ; the dry studies of Horace, Juvenal ; and the
Elements of Euclid, Ovid, &c., require some relaxation now and
then, and these lads must unbend, and have a whiff or two, and
a whet, — as they consider themselves great cigars, either on or
off the water ! which makes them regardless of danger, or the
consequences; so that fun and mischief are the result. It is
not fifty to one but some of those boys, at a future period, may
be gravely sitting, as the judges of the land in the Courts of
Law ; or gracing the woolsack, as sapient legislators ! Boys
will be boys — and it would be loss of time to think any more
about it."

" Fond as I am of the Thames," said Makemoney, " I have
had rather too much of water this time ; but those who play
at bowls, must expect rubs. Ha ! ha ! ha !"

u To prevent your being liable to cold," said Sprightly, " from
your sudden immersion in the River, I propose that we return
to town by the first stage-coach, and the sooner you arrive at
home the better, where you can make yourself so much more
comfortable." This proposition was acceded to — and in the
course of a few hours — the ears of the Pilgrims were delighted
once more with the sound of Bow bells.

300 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER XIII.

The PILGRIMS interested at a Rowing-match, between " Bill
Prizeman's boy, and Coot and Badge Dick." The spirit of
the thing ! Times and manners. Civility costs nothing. A
dialogue between a coalheaver and an old maid ; or, torturing
the English language. The dog and the hat ; a tiny bit of
the marvellous ! A night scene on the banks of the Thames.
— VAUXHALL to wit. MAKEMONEY out of humour with the
altered appearance of things ; or, nothing like by-gone days
at the gardens. SPRIGHTLY, vice versa, full of enjoy-
ment with the present period ,- and FLOURISH exulting, that
" a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush ?" TURF, all
happiness, contented with the idea of taking things as you
find them. Unexpected meeting with old friends and ac-
quaintances. The hoax ; Flourish and MaJcemoney the vic-
tims! Women and wine — a row — the Pilgrims in trouble!
an every day sort of thing at places of amusement. " We
won't go home till morning ! We won't go home till
morning, fyc."

Mirth admit me of thy crew ?

THE attention of the PILGRIMS had been occupied fora short
time, about a rowing-match, Flourish having1 backed a young:
waterman well known on the Thames as ' Bill Prizeman's boy !'
against ' coat and badge Dick.' They were both crack water-
men ; and both equally successful as to a variety of matches
they had won. The amateurs of rowing- were now anxious to
ascertain which was the best man ? The Thames displayed a
great deal of gaiety upon the occasion ; several of the different
yacht clubs in their sailing" boats : the cutter lads, wherries, &c.,
and both sides of the river lined with barges full of well-dressed
persons to witness the contest.

The " boy," was rather the favorite, from the possession of
strength, length, and wind ; but coat and badge Dick, it was
contended knew the River much better than his opponent — he
was up to all the windings of it — current, &c., to a T. Sprightly
felt a great interest in the match, and supported the opinion of
his friend Flourish ; and Makemoney was induced on the same ac-
count to become one of the party. But the old citizen preferred
being safe, rather thnn trusting himself amongst the harem-sca-
rem sort of fellows which are generally to be met with in boats
on the river, on those sort of days, more especially after his late

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 301

ducking at Windsor ; therefore, he took his station on a hea-
vily-laden coal-barge, that nothing but a violent tempest could
shift from its moorings. Besides, Makemoney was fond of
the mixture of society at such times ; and the dialogue which
passed between them afforded him considerable amusement.

An old maid who was equally anxious for the safety of her
person, and being anxious to witness the match, Prizeman's boy
being a near relation, wished to be perfectly assured by the coal-
heavers, before she parted with her money, whether there was
any danger {

" Lord bless you, marm," answered one of the coalheavers,
" you are as safe as if you wos in your coffin."

" I don't like that allusion," said the old maid, " I do not wish
any remembrances connected with death/'

'* You may depend, marm, the greatest conwulsion on the
earth would not stir a single bit of coal ! My pal, Jem, and I
have made this ere barge as fast as a rock. Here you can see
every thing wot takes place without the help of a telescope ;
and also hear wot directions are given to them precious bits of
stuff, who are about to enter upon this prime contest, without
the help of an ear-trumpet."

" 1 hope 1 shall find what you say to be the truth ; because
I have been deceived before now, by men promising what they
never perform."

" There is no deception about Jem and I, marm — no bonnrt-
iwg — only ask the company, (which is the genteelest on the
river) we are patronized by nothing else but the swells upon
these ere occasions. Jim and I would not take any person on
board but wot are the right sort — we have nothing belonging to
us of the blackguard but snuff: perhaps marm, you would like
to take a pinch, it is the real blackguard, only so by name —
being taken by the king upon his throne, as a most delicious
treat for his nose — it wos given to us by the best gentleman
scull on the river, my lord Goldring ! O here he comes — this
way, my lord — make way for his lordship ! This here is the
only barge for the out-and-outers.

An interruption was put to this dialogue, between the old maid
and the coalheaver, for a little time, in consequence of a man's
hat being blown off his head into the river, from the next barge,
and a dog jumping off to get it — " I say governor," said one of
the black diamonds, "you wouldn't be so foolish as to let that
ere dog get hold of your castor !"

" Why, where's the harm : the hanimal won't hurt it ?''

" If you are spooney enough to let him get hold of your
tile, he will make a meal of it, and no mistake. He has not
had a bit of grub for the last three days ; and he is the most fero-
ciousest dog in London ; he is vorse than a wolf. I knows him
well: he is quite the terror of Cow's Cross! and the knacker
people have offered a reward to any hindividuai who will kill

302 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

him, and bring his head to them. It was only a few days ago
that he bolted with the biggest part of a horse, and got clear off
with it ! He can kill one hundred rats in eight minutes, like
winking ; and kill anything else if it comes in his way/

" That ere is not the dog I tell you as how once more ; and
if you insists upon taking away his character, 1 will shove your
nose into the river ; and then I knows your body must follow it,
but I will charge you nothing for bathing. So don't kick up
any more row about my dog ; he is a Newfoundland, and the
animal wot you takes him for is a terrier !"

" I have no doubt but he is a new found dog ; that is a gen-
teel word for prigging a tyke. You never saw him before to-
day, I knows — so shut your mouth and be quiet, if you wishes
to be safe : and not get into trouble. So be off while your shoes
are good. We knows how you get your living."

" O dear," said the old maid, " I am quite alarmed ; I hope
there will be no quarrelling — we may all be drowned ! I dread
coroner's inquests, I do indeed !"

" No Marm ; its only wot we calls a bit of civil jaw — it is
wot we calls whopping* a man with your chaffer!"

" Chaffer ! chaff — what do you mean by that phrase — I can-
not understand it V

" Why marm, in genteel company, it is wot the female vomen
call — red rag!"

" Dear me! how very odd; you would puzzle a dictionary
maker."

" To cut the matter short — it means, marm, the tongue /"
" Bless my soul ! what a strange world we live in. I don't
know my own language !"

<( Here's a start for you ; wot chaps to pull ! my eyes, how
sweetly they cut along : six to four on the boy."

" Who do you want to swindle ; are you upon the look out
to pick up green horns ? He's no boy ; he's the father of a fam-
ily. Call him a boy ? where will you get your men I wonder ?"
'* Hold your jaw, Mr. Wiseacre; he is Bill Prizeman's boy,
that's wot I mean ; and he has won every thing upon the river,
from Limehouse hole to Richmond Bridge. He is the out-and-
out crack waterman on the Thames — either for sculls or oars,
and I say, six to four he wins."

" Huzza ! huzza ! Bill Prizeman's boy has made a man of
himself to-day. See ! see, he is winning the match like fun ;
and giving Coat-and-Badge the go-by. It is quite play to
Prizeman's boy ; but Coat-and-Badge is nothing else but a good
un ! They can't both win — I wishes they could."

The contest, which was a very sharp one, was decided in
favor of Prizeman's boy, amidst the shouts of the spectators ;
and to the complete satisfaction of Flouifish, who had won a
tolerable sum of money.

Just as Majicmoney was about to quit the barge, he was

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 303

hailed by Sprightly and Flourish in a boat, to accompany them
to Vauxhall Gardens, to meet Turf by appointment.

" I am now ready, sir, to fulfil my promise/' said Flourish,
" a handsome supper, at my expense ; and a glass or two of cham-
pagne shall not be wanting to give a zest to the evening's en-
tertainment, I have no doubt but we shall meet with some of
the right sort of folks to spend a merry, happy, and gay evening
together."

" I am quite ready/' answered the old Citizen — " it was in
my early days, a favorite place of amusement of mine, after bu-
siness, and the fatigues of the day were over."

The merits of Prizeman's boy, and Coat-and-Badge Dick oc-
cupied their attention until they arrived at Vauxhall stairs.

The Pilgrims, after promenading the gardens for a short pe-
riod— viewing the company — and different groups who had
assembled together for the evening; " I may well assert," ob-
served Makemoney, ' O the days when I were young F VAUX
HALL then, appeared to every visitor a decided place of fascina-
tion— a sort of Elysium — and all the cares of the world left out-
side of the gardens. Gaiety was the leading feature — heart's-
ease in abundance — pleasure in all its variety of taste — and hap-
piness seemed to reign triumphant upon every brow. Hours
flew away like minutes ; and day-light intruded itself upon the
minds of the spectators with astonishment. Yet, I must confess,
the entertainments were not half so grand, nor half so good —
but the visitors appear to me completely changed altogether !
They walk about, appear indifferent ; seem stiff, formal :
and not inclined to recognize each other upon equal' terms ; but
at the period I allude to, the company appeared like one family !
Hail fellow, well met. Unbending with sociality of disposition
and good nature ; joining in the lively dance : and mirth and
humour the presiding deities over the festive scene. Such a
change is not at all the fault of the proprietors ; on the contrary,
they have out-heroded herod in their exertions to produce nov-
elties : and to furnish every sort of intellectual amusement to
attract the public to visit Vauxhall Gardens."

" I am not at all inclined," replied Flourish, " to dispute your
assertions : and also to give you the benefit of your experience
to its utmost extent ; at the same time, my worthy friend, I am
anxious not to convey the slightest affront whatever : but sir,
you do not see with the same eyes — all your boyish friends have
become old men — repetition palls upon the mind — and you have
become tired as it were of your once delight and pleasure. But
we, sir, are full of raptures with the gardens, and give it the
preference to any other place of amusement of the kind, con-
nected with the metropolis."

'* A truce to argument!" cried Sprightly, "let us enjoy the
illuminated scene as it presents itself — I never felt more delighted

304 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

in my life — but let us all be free in our promenades. Yet we
must make it a point to meet altogether at supper."

" Agreed," replied Turf.

" With all my heart," answered Makemoney.

" The Duchess for a rump and a dozen/' said Sprightly, " and
her stylish daughters."

" Then I'll be after them," replied Flourish, " I owe them
something. But you are mistaken, I think. However, I'll put
up the game ; and bring down the birds, if I can. So excuse
me, gents., I am off."

" Egad," observed Sprightly, " how very odd, I perceive a
young lady a most intimate acquaintance of mine, walking with-
out a companion. That must not be — the laws of gallantry
will not permit it. I will just ask after her health, when I will
return to you immediately, uncle, I don't like to leave you, but — "

" I'll be hanged if there an't an old acquaintance of mine —
vulgarly called slippery Dick. I would not be seen with him
but he owes me a handsome bet ; and if I don't get it now,
months may occur before I meet with him again. He twigs me;
and is trying to bolt ! I know you will pardon me, Makemo-
ney ; but necessity has no law. I would not have left you un-
der any other circumstances," said Turf.

Makemoney found himself alone, in the midst of a vast
throng of visitors. " Ton my word," he exclaimed, " this is
very pleasant, but I suppose I must, like my brother Pilgrims,
recognize somebody ; or else I must remain standing here like a
finger-post. But no matter — I like to see the young ones enjoy
themselves ; therefore I will amuse myself in the best way
I can."

Flourish, with almost the speed of a greyhound, ran over the
gardens in search of the Duchess and her daughters, who had
occupied his attention so much at Greenwich, anticipating some
agreeable conversation with those sprightly females ; and also
with the hopes of obtaining a little more insight into their cha-
racters^ and if the Duchess might in any way allude to the loan
of the five pound note. But nothing like the gay Duchess met
his eyes : although, in several instances, he stared some of the
ladies out of countenance. At length he gave up the pursuit
as hopeless ; and began to entertain an idea that it was a plea-
sant hoax played off on him, by his friend Sprightly. Never-
theless, he did not like to give up the ' look out' altogether, and
while he was holding a sort of parley with himself on the sub-
ject, Turf touched him on the shoulder — " what, at fault, my
worthy Pilgrim ?" said he, " Have you lost the scent ? Are the
birds flown away ? Ha! ha! ha!"

" I am at fault," replied Flourish, and " I cannot be put right
to night ; but never mind, I perceive Makemoney in rather a
solitary mood, as if he was looking out for us. Can't we have a

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 305

bit of fun with the old citizen ? Nothing- more than a harmless
joke ! How can we manage it ? And Sprightly will not be im-
plicated in it !"

" I have it ! Ha ! ha ! ha!" answered Turf, " it will serve to
amuse us after supper, over our wine !" Turf, who never stood
upon niceties, and quite careless as to the remarks of any by-
standers upon his behaviour, recognizing- an old acquaintance of
his, one of the sisterhood, but no Nun, went immediately up to
her — " You see that old gentleman, with a good-natured face,
loitering about the gardens, he belongs to our party, and we want
to have a bit of fun with him, therefore, go and claim an acquaint-
ance with him, but treat him as a gentleman, and try to pur-
suade him, in a lady-like manner, that you know him very well ;
that once he was a particular friend of your's, and seriously
enquire, of him, the reason of his cruel desertion ? He is rather
hasty in his temper at times, and this sort of unexpected attack
will have the desired effect ! But when we return to him, arid
pretend to detect him in making an assignation with you, then
make your escape as soon as possible.

" Penelope , is a clever woman, and possesses supe-
rior talents for an actress, and had she have taken the right
course in life, might have been an ornament to the stage ;
but owing to, what she terms an * amiable weakness ' in the
first instance, proved her overthrow. Her situation, at the
present moment, speaks for itself. But her manners are good,
and she will play what ' is set down for her ' to the very life.
She is also fond of a joke, and will enterinto the spirit of it."

" Excellent !" cried Flourish, " it would not be a bad inci-
dent for a comedy !"

Makemoney, who had been musing for some little time, not
exactly in what is termed a trance, but scarcely knowing how
to pass his time, during the absence of his brother Pilgrims, was
then listening to a song in the Orchestra, viewing the transpa-
rencies, and other attractive features, and strolling up and down
the different walks, when the young female alluded to, dressed
in the very first style of fashion, thus accosted him — " I beg par-
don, Sir, but you do not seem to recollect the face that you have
so often praised, flattered, and caressed with feelings of de-
light. But I regret to say, that in my eyes your character seems
changed altogether, and you now appear more like the ' Knight
of the woeful countenance/ than the hitherto laughing, jolly
fellow at the festive board. Yet, perhaps, I can account for it,
you have lost an intimate acquaintance, a dear friend! which has
produced that settled melancholy on your brow. I am sorry to
see it !"

Makemoney could scarcely believe his own ears ; and after re-
covering himself from such a sudden unexpected attack, he briefly
answered — " True, madam, I am looking after a friend !"

2 s

306 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" And so am I, my dear sir," replied Penelope, in a most plain-
tive tone of voice, " therefore, if we put our losses together, we
can afford, to each other, consolation, and enjoy the luxury of
woe undivided. There is a delightful little box which I "see
yonder, in which we can have a tete-a-tete : dissipate our grief
over sparkling champagne, or arrack punch, if you give it the
preference, as I always leave the choice of liquors, or wine, to
the good taste of gentlemen ! A little refreshment will be
necessary, and as I do not wish to be extravagant, a cold chicken,
some ham, a cucumber, &c., will, I feel assured, render the
evening truly pleasant to us both \"

" Amazement !" cried Makemoney, " you are taking liberties
with an entire stranger ; and also making more free than wel-
come ! And, I desire, madam, you will quit my presence imme-
diately. You are an improper character to be seen with ! Re-
tire immediately, or else "

" A stranger !" answered Penelope, putting up her handker-
chief to her eyes, as if in tears ; " is it come to this ! after your
expressions of love to your dear Pen. as you used to call me.
Such base ingratitude and desertion, will, positively, be the
death of me! (Laying hold of Makemoney's arm,) I am get-
ting faint, my head turns round, I shall expire before my wrongs
are revenged ! Has the poor, forlorn, deserted Penelope, no
friend to stand by her at this unprotected moment ? Oh ! oh ! oh !
I shall die !"

A small crowd began to gather round them, when at the junc-
ture, like good actors waiting for their cue, Turf and Flourish
appeared in sight to render assistance to Penelope.

" My dear friend, said Turf to Makemoney, " what is the mat-
ter ? What have you done to this young damsel in distress ?"
Penelope throwing herself into the arms of Turf.

4 « Nothing !" replied Makemoney, quite out of breath with
rage ; "it is all a mystery to me. The woman is out of her senses !
Positively insane! 1 never saw her before in my life. It is a
mistake altogether."

" Is it nothing to desert the dearest female friend you ever had
in your life ;" answered Penelope, sobbing loudly. " Do you
call it nothing ? You base, ungrateful man ! But you shall
rue it ! I will have justice done me. Fine old London gentle-
man as you are. I will not stay in the horrid monster's company
any longer. Pray, sir, let me have a little air, or else, I shall be
suffocated with grief."

Turf immediately led her a little distance from Makemoney ;
but she immediately returned, full of spirit, and said to the lat-
ter, "As you have promised to meet to-morrow night 'by
moonlight alone,' to make amends for your tragedy conduct,
which has lacerated my tender feelings beyond description, I will
not expose you any more before such a number of persons."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 30f

Penelope was out of sight in an instant.

" Such assurance is not to be borne," observed Makemoney
" I never promised to meet the wretch — the wicked im
postor."

" Some of the crowd began to laugh heartily, and enjoy the
row ; others interfering- to support Penelope ; "I say, old chap,
with one foot in the grave," cried a gay spark, "what have you
been caught out in your wickedness ?" A second person, ob-
served— " An old fellow like you to seduce a beautiful young
woman as she appears to be, and young enough to be your grand
daughter ! You ought to be pumped upon !" With a variety of
other remarks, that rather alarmed the citizen for his safety.

"Take me away," said Makemoney, instantly, "from the
sight of this base woman, or else I shall choke with passion. An
infamous liar, and strumpet ! It is lucky for her that in my pas-
sion I had not done her some mischief."

" You see/' observed Turf, " however sly we may be in our
amours, there are times when we are unexpectedly caught. Ha !
ha I ha ! But it is only a nine days wonder, and it will soon
blow over. We have almost carried the joke too far," Turf
whispered into the ear of Flourish; "but mum! Not a sentence
about the affair to Sprightly, when we meet. The talents dis-
played by Penelope made her assumed injuries, appear like re-
ality r

" Worse and worse," replied Makemoney, " do you Turf, be-
lieve a single word the wretch has uttered? I shall go, stark,
staringimad, if such a villainous falsehood should get abroad !"

" I did not believe her in the first instance, I must confess,"
answered Turf, with a smile on his countenance, and Flourish
was compelled to retire to some little distance for fear he should
burst out into a loud fit of laughter : " but when she said you
had promised to meet her alone : I was rather staggered, and
did not know what to think about it."

" Let us retire from this scene of con fusion, and order supper,"
said Flourish, " it is a mistake — I am sure it is a mistake ; and
the young lady in question has taken you, Makemoney, for one
of the ' gallant gay Lotharios/ once in her train. Compose
yourself, sir, and only laugh at the circumstance. It is one of
those funny sort of adventures that sometimes crosses our paths
at public places of amusement."

" It may be a laughing matter to you, I have little doubt,"
replied the old citizen, " but this is coming out in life, in rather
a hazardous sort of manner. Such effrontery in a female, I never
met with before in all my travels."

" If I might offer my advice upon the subject," urged Turf,
with a face made up as seriously as a judge about to pronounce
sentence upon a criminal ; " you would treat the affair altogether
as the impulse of the moment ; the female has mistaken her

308 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

; and you have an alibi to prove you never kept a woman
in your life. Ha ! ha! ha ! I am a witness to that effect, when-
ever you are in want of one. But if you promise to forgive the
poor deluded wench, and keep your temper,.! will bring1 her be-
fore you, and convince her, beyond all doubt, that she has com-
mitted an error, and must make you a suitable apology. For I
overheard her observe, on her leaving- me, ' Surely, I am not
mistaken in the person of my old gallant. If so. I am sorry, very
sorry for it. Perhaps, I have been rather too violent in my con-
duct, but he is very like my old Charles. Now, my friend
Makemoney, as your name is Peter, I have no doubt, but it may
be made all right over a glass of wine."

" If I could be satisfied that by agreeing- to an interview with
her, the fact might be established that she was mistaken as to
my person/' replied Makemoney, <( I should have no objection,
I am anxious that that point should be cleared up, because I feel
uneasy under the accusation. I am not disposed to be ill-na-
tured, and always ready to make an allowance for mistakes,
when I am assured the error committed was unintentional."

" You have acted sensibly," said Turf, " the girl is not an
absolute stranger to me, and I am sure, when 1 point out the
mistake to her, and the unnecessary violence she used upon the
occasion, she will make any apology you may require ; Penelope
- , is one of the < unfortunates /' it is true ; but, neverthe-
less, she has had a decent education ; and is not deficient in good
manners. At all events, 1 will seek her out before she quits the
gardens ; and an acknowledgement of her error, upon the spot
where it has been committed, will be worth twenty times more,
than after the circumstance has made its way into the City, or
obtained an extensive circulation in all the newspapers. Scan-
dal and satire, my dear friend, are rich subjects for most of the
journals, the public doat upon rows ; devour police intelligence ;
but for an intrigue or amour, it is positively food for all the
breakfast, dinner, and tea-tables in the metropolis for a week !
Besides, sir, the mistake in question might be distorted into a
thousand horrid shapes; and the desertion of a lovely, interest-
ing, beautiful female, promulgated as an act of the blackest die.
I am determined to see the mistery cleared up, and Penelope
shall make a curtsey before the Pilgrims !"

". Do so, my dear Turf," replied Makemoney, "let us have
the truth, and nothing else but the truth, at all events, and
then, perhaps, I may be inclined to laugh at the mistake."

Turf giving the wink to Flourish, went immediately in search
of Penelope --

" I think, my friend Turf/* said Flourish, " is quite correct
in his view of the subject at issue, an explanation is decidedly
necessary : arid he is acting towards you with sincerity. Here
he is, I see, returning with the young female. (Putting his

/
Cf

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 309

glass up to his eyes.) Egad, she is a very fine woman. A
beautiful creature ! and, 1 should say, there are few men but
what would consider it a feather in their caps to be her Protec-
tory rather than otherwise. Therefore, sir, you must show
your gallantry upon this occasion. Remember the advice of
the poet:— -

If to her share some common errors fall,
Look on her face and you'll forget them all,

Penelope on approaching Make money, dropped him a most
elegant curtsey, affected bash fulness, and rather hesitated be-
fore she attempted to address him.

" Be not afraid/' observed Turf, "' if you are now convinced
that you have committed an error, acknowledge it with a good
grace, and forgiveness is at hand. (Turf aside.) Compliment
the forbearance of the old gentleman, and you may become a
favourite with him, after all the fire and smoke. Your face and
person will effect wonders." Penelope gave a nod.

" You will excuse me, sir, I hope," said Penelope, " tak-
ing a synopsis of your person, and rudely scanning your fea-
tures, that I may decide with certainty ; but notwithstanding
those roguish, amorous-looking eyes in your head which are so
very prominent, and so dangerous to females in general, I must
confess that I have been deceived,' and the error I have com-
mitted is now so palpable to myself, that I blush for my violent
behaviour, and upon looking at you again, sir, you are Hyperion
to a Satyr when compared with my old Charles. How could I
have been so much mistaken — you are quite a boy in appearance
to him. But I suppose it must have been owing to the glare
of the vast number of lights in the gardens, which change the
countenances of every person."

" I think it is likely/' replied Flourish. " People do not look
the same as at other places of amusement. But proceed."

" It was a mere glance at your person, sir, that has done all
the mischief: besides, when you take into the scales of justice
the pangs of disappointed love — neglect — abandonment — and
all the other circumstances connected with wronged women,
which accounts for my conduct, you will be inclined to grant me
a pardon : therefore, sir, I hope you will accept of an apology ;
but I know you well as an admirer of the sex — "

"Madam ! have a care !" replied Makemonev. " I am not to
be flattered in turn out of my reason."

" To love the sex, sir, is not a crime, noA ~ fault ; but in my
humble opinion, an honor : and kindness from man to woman is
one of his greatest attributes. I am sorry, very sorry for what
has occurred this evening*. Can I offer any thing more in exten-
uation. Only mention it — and you will find me, Penelope, per-
fectly willing and obedient."

" No ! no ! no !" exclaimed Flourish and Turf at the samo

310 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

instant — " our friend has too much of the milk of human kind-
ness in his composition to require any thing- more from a female.
You have acknowledged your error in a handsome way, and I
am sure, the sooner it is buried in oblivion the better for all
parties."

" Not exactly so abrupt/' replied Penelope, " a duel now, be-
tween us, is out of the question. Yet a challenge may be given
and accepted, without violating* the bounds of decorum. There-
fore, I am about to challenge my — "

" How V asked Makemoney, almost relapsing into a passion,
" a challenge from a lady ? I do not understand it ! What do
you mean ? explain !"

Turf, (Aside.) " This is carrying on the joke better than 1
could have anticipated. Penelope will now have the best of
the argument," giving a significant nod to Flourish: " Is she
not a very clever creature ?"

" Do not be alarmed, sir knight. I am no female duellist !
Powder, ball, and swords will not suit me. But my challenge
is to your friends — I wish to drink your health over a glass of
champagne, to convince you, if necessary, that my apology is
sincere; therefore, you are quite safe for. me. Here, waiter,
bring a bottle of the best sparkling champagne that you have
got in your cases — Nectar 1 would have called for, if it could
have been purchased upon earth — (Feeling for her purse.) I will
pay for it. Then sir, after the toast has been drank — I will not
annoy you with my company any longer ; but most respectfully
take my leave."

" Not so fast ! not so fast, young lady,'* replied Makemoney,
who not only began to relax from his severity : but appeared ra-
ther smitten with the charms of Penelope, " Ladies do not pay
for any thing in my company : besides, a pleasant hour's conver-
sation or two is within our grasp ; and we cannot part so readily
with beauty and talent as you imagine. Therefore, you will
sup with us.

" I acquiesce, sir, to your request/' replied Penelope, " and I
hope now that you will, war being at an end, not deny me the
claim, at least, of an acquaintance ; and perhaps, at some fu-
ture period, should we ever cross each other's path, that of an
old friend. Ha ! ha ! ha !

"Bravo ! bravo/' cried Flourish, "if we feel inclined at any
time to quarrel about other circumstances, I hope we shall never
quarrel with wit."

The health of Makemoney was drank with great spirit; and
the waiter having filled another glass for Penelope, she thus ad-
dressed Makemoney: — "Kindness to the faults of others, and
liberality to discern our own." The supper over, and a few
glasses of generous wine had banished from the mind of the

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 311

old Citizen all about the recent row ; Flourish was in high spi-
rits on the occasion : and Turf quite on the qui mve.

Taking- wine with each other was the order of the night ;
and bottle after bottle was emptied of its contents with rapidity.
The party soon became elevated ; and at times, a little noisy,
and Makemoney almost as young as a boy in his actions. The
fine old adage of Shakspeare began to show itself amongst
them — " O that a man will put an enemy into his mouth to steal
away his brains." The handsome face of Penelope, added to
her talent for repartee, attracted the attention of Makemoney :
and in whispers, he began to say a thousand civil things to her ;
such are the effects of the bottle.

" To-morrow," replied Penelope, who had not yet indulged
so much as to deprive her of self-possession, and who was of a
sensitive nature, looking Makemoney full in the face, " when
you are soberly seated at home, suffering from the effects of
drink and fever, and blaming yourself for acts of intemperance,
and also being seen in the company of a doubtful, nay, what is
termed an improper character. What weight am I to attach to
such expressions of admiration ; only picture to yourself how
galling it must be to my feelings, for I have not entirely
lostsight of them — however situated I may be in life, to be
treated as a play-thing, and made mere pastime of for the sport
of men. The cruelty and deliberate injuries I have received
from mankind ; and the pains taken by men to seduce every
pretty woman from the paths of virtue, and blast their charac-
ters in the estimation of virtuous society — makes me almost
hate the name of man. Can you blame females for seeking re-
venge on their betrayers ; and afterwards deserting them, to be-
come the derision and insult of the world ?"

This unexpected appeal to the feelings of Makemoney almost
sobered him in an instant, and he hesitated for a reply — " No
allusions, Miss Penelope — the present company I hope are
excepted."

" No, no," said Flourish, " we won't have any thing in the way
of moralizing here. Vauxhall Gardens is not the place for it.
Come, cheer up, Penelope ; give us one of your little songs — an
anecdote — a pun : preaching will not do for us. Another glass
of wine or two will make us as merry as players/'

" Aye, wine is the thing to soothe our sorrows and banish
grief," replied Turf, "and whenever I feel low-spirited, and
unpleasant thoughts intrude themselves — this is the mode I
adopt to dispel them." Filling himself a bumper and singing:

Drink of this cup — you'll find there's a spell in

Its every drop 'gainst the ills of mortality —
Talk of the cordial that sparkled for Helen,

Her cup was a fiction, but this is reality :

312 THE PILGRIMS OP THE THAMES

Would you forget the dark world we are in,

Only taste of the bubble that gleams on the top of it,

But would you rise above earth, till akin,

To immortal yourselves, you must drain every drop of it.
Send round the cup, &c.

" If such charms exist in wine," said Makemoney, " the soon-
er we have another glass all round the better. We came out to
be cheerful and happy ; and therefore, let us embrace the
opportunity."

Penelope, like the rest of her companions, gave a truce to sen-
sibility ; and after the manner of most females of her descrip-
tion who are affected to tears by some unpleasant reflections,
and laugh heartily at any occurrence the next— she once more
became all gaiety. Her interesting conversation, and the
little anecdotes which she now and then illustrated her
stories with, made the wine go down like water ; added
to which a few snatches of songs from her favorite author,
Tommy Moore, elevated Flourish, Makemoney, and Turf
equal in spirit, to the finest jolly fellows in the world : they
had courage enough now, or rather, impetuosity to have scaled
fortresses ; mounted the deadly breach ; and entered the for lorn
hope like heroes of the first description.

" The song ; Penelope's sojig ! the song," became the univer-
sal request of the Pilgrims.

She immediately complied with their request, and looking
rather smirkingty in the face of the old Citizen — sang : —
Can love be controled by advice ?

" Ah, this love;" said Penelope, " attachment — fondness — ad-
miration, and all those phrases so often poured into the ears of
females, are all deceit, I am afraid ; and almost begin to think
that what is called Love, is nothing more than a farce : calcu-
lated to annoy and upset society in general. But no matter." —
singing again to Makemoney : —

Come rest in this bosom, my own stricken deer,
Though the herd have fled from thee, thy home is still here ;
. Here still is the smile, that no cloud can o'ercast,
And the heart and (he hand, all thy own to the last.

Oh, what was love made for, if 'tis not the same,

Through joy, and through torments, through glory and shame ;

I know not, I ask not, if guilt's in that heart,

I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art 1

Thou hast called me thy angel, in moments of bliss —
Still thy angel I'll be, 'mid the horrors of this,
Through the furnace, unshrinking, thy steps to pursue,
And shield thee, and save thee, or perish there too.

"Excellent!" observed Turf, "what a happy fellow you

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 313

must think yourself, Makemoney, to have so much love and
constancy expressed for you, by such a handsome creature !
You must forgive me, but I cannot help envying- you/'

" Bliss ! perfect bliss to the echo !" replied Flourish, " I never
heard any song- better applied in my life. And a good bit of
truth into the bargain."

" Too much ! too much ! you comical rogues/' said Make-
money with a hic-cough, and appearing any thing but sober ;
" you are also a satirist, Miss Penelope, thus to quiz an old fel-
low ! but I must f-o-r-g-i-v-e you ! but I never felt more happy
and pleased during my existence. Where's Sprightly ail this
time ? I have not seen my nephew for the last two or three
hours, and, you know, he promised to meet us again at supper.
Let us go and look after him : he may have forgot himself, and
what is due to propriety, lost his time with naughty company !
I must point out to him the danger of such people/'

*' By all means," answered Flourish, " we will all start to-
gether. Naughty folks won't do at all for us Pilgrims."

Turf, by this time, was rather freakish, he had stuck to the
bottle like glue ; in fact, he was no flincher upon such occasions.
Flourish also, a thing quite unusual for him, was like a sailor,
* three-sheets in the wind;' and Makemoney, a rare occurrence,
' how come you so ?' Turf and Flourish sallied forth, and
Makemoney, with Miss Penelope hanging upon his arm : it is
true, they attempted to walk, but reeling, perhaps would be the
better description of it. They had not moved forwards but a few
steps, when some person rather rudely pushed by Miss Penelope,
this excited the anger of Makemoney, and he exclaimed, " Who
are you pushing against fellow ? Don't you see I* have a lady
under my care ? Have you left your manners at home ?"

"Pushing against !" echoed a nicely apparelled dandy, "why,
an old Pope, to be sure. A ci-devant member of Noah's Hood.
Ha! ha! Such old fogeys as you, ought, positively, to have been
at roost long before this period : and not be seen strutting up
and down the walks with a questionable female. Fie ! fie ! I
am ashamed of you old man."

" Do not be insolent again to my friend, and the lady,"
said Turf, turning round to him with a sovereign look of
contempt ; " if you render yourself troublesome any more, be-
ware of the consequences. A puppy like you to insult your
elders ! I have a great mind to chastise you for your imperti-
nence. £o, once more, beware !"

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! A lady and a gentleman, forsooth ! a precious
pair of non-descripts ! Where can they corn e from, I wonder?
but I suppose from the mohawk country. Chastise indeed, take
care, my Jonny Raw, gentleman farmer, clod-pole, that I do not
annihilate you, if I display my science on your unmeaning nob !
Ha ! ha ! A good joke, upon my word. Fellows from the wilds
of Sussex, or the obscure parts of Yorkshire, to talk of chastis-

2 T

314 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

ing- us Metropolitans. Here, Tom, take my kid gloves, I should
not like to soil them upon thisOurang-outang ! But, yet, I must
punish the beast out of civilized society, and send him running
back to his proper sphere — the woods and forests. Ha ! ha ! So
come on my Raw, and receive the reward due to your merits ;
for 1 mean to give you a receipt in full of all demands : I do
nothing by halves." Putting himself in a boxing attitude.

This challenge was most acceptable to the feelings of Turf,
although a very peaceable fellow in the main; yet, nevertheless,
he had not the slightest objection, at any time, to a trial of skill ;
nay, to speak the truth, he was fond of it : and in the early part
of his career, had received lessons from the most expert profes-
sors on the list.

" I am ready/' he replied, " and take care of yourself ; you
shall not wait long before you hear from me. All I require for
both of us, is — fair play !"

It was quite evident to the by-standers that Turf and the
dandy had paid too much attention to the bottle, to prove, in a
serious point of view, mischievous, and staggered up to each
other on setting-to. But after a few blows had been exchanged,
Turf, put in a slight hit upon the jugular vein of his opponent,
that instantly sent him sprawling on the ground. The friends of
the dandy, (who it appeared, afterwards, was a sprig of quality,)
on finding he was likely to be well thrashed for his boasting
and impudence, joined in the row, and a general skirmish took
place.

The screams of the females and the noise and bustle which
took place altogether, excited the attention of Sprightly, who
had also been drinking rather freely, and supping with some
young fellows of his acquaintances, ripe and ready for any thing,
he immediately ran to the spot, when, Sprightly, perceiving
Flourish and Turf engaged in the contest, and his uncle in jeo-
pardy, pushed about with a female on his arms, he did not stop
to ask any questions on the subject, but hit away, right and
left, until he had the satisfaction of seeing the Pilgrims masters
of the field.

The dandy had been carried off by some of his friends during
the row, for fear of the consequences, to get bled ; for a long
time he remained in a state of stupor, and it was generally expect-
ed that a Coroner's Inquest would have been the result of the
affray. However, he recovered his senses, to the great joy of
the whole of the party concerned in the quarrel.

The constables interfered when the danger was all over, and
understanding that it was nothing more than a trifling quarrel
between gentlemen ; and cards having been exchanged to settle
their differences in another way, the constables, on their own
account, did not wish to give the gentlemen any trouble the
next morning to expose themselves at a police office for their in-
discreet conduct. Palm-oil, (i. e. money,) being given to them

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 3i5

to let the row be buried in oblivion ; therefore, like sensible men
in office, they preferred the old adage, that a still tongue, shews
a wise head. And silence was the order of the day.

Penelope was so alarmed during- the contest, that Make-
money had his work to do to prevent her from fainting ; but on
Sprightly learning her address, he relieved his uncle from his
dear charge, by putting the elegant little ( piece of frailty/ into
a hackney coach, settling the fare, and thus got rid of her com-
pany altogether.

On the Pilgrims looking and laughing at each other, after
peace was restored, the face of Turf was a littte bruised in the
skirmish ; Flourish had received a black eye ; Sprightly a cut on
his nose ; and Makemoney a sprained ancle, besides sundry blows
in divers places.

It might have been imagined, after quietness had been obtain-
ed, that the PILGRIMS would have made the best of their way
home ! But not so, when the wine is in the head, the wit is out
of it ; (which, in this instance, appeared to be the fact,) and
the very last place thought of was HOME !

Turf, the leader upon this occasion, proposed to finish the
night at a well-known coffee house, " Strictly in good taste,"
said he, " contiguous to the Banks of the Thames. Over our
tea, or coffee, we shall get a little to rights ; besides, we 'shall
have something to occupy our mind ; and we are told, that the
' proper study of mankind, is man:' we cannot have a finer illus-
tration of the adage than in this place of refreshment. You will
have, my worthy Pilgrims, a fine opportunity of viewing society
in all its bearings, from high to low, rich and poor, honest men,
depraved characters of all sorts, splendid cyprians, and ragged
unfortunates — in short, a complete mirror of human nature.

The proprietor opens the door of this establishment, which
commenced many years since, at four-o'clock in the morning, and
originally it was intended for the accomodation of the marke4
people only, but like every other thing in society, abuses will
creep in ; therefore, it accounts for fellows like ourselves be-
coming visitors to obtain information, who can spend a pound
without feeling the loss of it ; while there are others who can
scarcely muster the price of a cup of coffee, to keep life and
soul together, who have been prowling the streets all night.
Splendour and misery, at times, are both very prominent in this
receptacle, it being a sort of republic, distinction of persons is
not attended to, and Jack is as good as his master."

Makemoney had scarcely seated himself amongst the motley
crew, before he was astounded, although rather disordered in his
intellects, from the effects of liquor. Flourish looked unutter-
able things, as much as to say, " Can such things be ?" Spright-
ly, who had never mixed with such a heterogenous mass of
society, looked lost in wonder, and contemplated in silence, but
Turf, felt himself quite at home as an old customer, and acquainted

316 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

with every movement in life, enjoyed the surprise manifested by
the Pilgrims, witnessing- thing's they had never seen before
between heaven and earth.

The Pilgrims strictly followed, the advice of Turf, not to
suffer themselves to be f drawn out,' upon any occasion what-
ever, " I will not suffer you," said he, " to be picked up as
flats, while you are in my company." In consequence of this
admonition, they resisted all attempts at conversation with either
male or female, who had addressed them.

After a cup of coffee, Makemoney felt the effects of late hours,
and * keeping- it up/ beg-an to yawn, and ultimately fell asleep.
Flourish and Sprightly were equally drowsy and stupid, and
thought a few winks might refresh them ; and the experienced
Turf, with all his care and watchfulness, was compelled to
succumb to the fatigues of nature, and, like the rest of his
companions, lost in the arms of Somnus.

It is urged there is a time for alt things, so it occurred with
the worn-out Pilgrims ; and HOME, ultimately became the ob-
ject in view.

On Makemoney opening his eyes, he stared with astonish-
ment, and looked round the room full of doubts and fears,
" Where am I ?" was the exclamation. The place was entire-
ly cleared of all the visitors, except his three companions with
their heads upon the table fast asleep. He aroused them from
their lethargy, observing, " Don't you think it is almost time
to go home ?"

" Yes, yes/' replied Turf, " ha ! ha ! ha ! but we have had
one advantage in not going to bed, we are up and dressed, and
ready for any other adventure that may offer itself."

" Enough is as good as a feast," answered Flourish, " I am
quite satisfied with the experience of this day and night's
pilgrimage."

Makemoney, after looking about the room for some time,
could not perceive his hat, when he immediately rang for the
waiter, " Have you seen my hat ?" said he, " I had it safe enough
before I went to sleep !"

" I do not doubt your assertion, sir," replied the napkin hero,
with a grin upon his countenance, " but gentlemen should never
go to sleep here, without they keep one eye open ! But you are
lucky, sir, I see your shoes are safe."

" What do you mean by that ?" asked the old Citizen, " I
don't understand you — My shoes safe ?"

"It is true, sir, that shoes have been known to walk off from
this room without having any feet in them. Ha! ha! ha!
There are a number of extraordinary clever artists who vi*it this
establishment, who are not particular what they take besides tea
and coffee ! Wigs too have been missing here at times : and so,
would the heads that belonged to them, if they had been
loose ?"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 317

" My gloves are gone after the hat, I suppose ?" said Flourish,
" they are not to be found where I left them."

"They have kid-did them, as the artist calls it," answered
the waiter ; " that is boned them ; or, in other words converted
them to their own use, under the idea they were their own.
Mistakes will happen you know, gentlemen."

" You are a wag-," observed Sprightly, " and a punster into
the bargain ! but the sooner we are off the better, now we are
wide-awake I Ha ! ha ! ha !"

" True, my boy, true," answered Makemoney — " it won't do
to be caught napping again. What is the hour, waiter ?"

" We take no note of time here, sir," replied the waiter, " our
visitors, in general, have a very little to do with time, except
the loss of it."

" Severe ; but just !" remarked Flourish, te Sprightly, you can
tell us the hour?"

On Sprightly putting his hand to his pocket — his jollity for-
sook him in an instant, and his countenance was changed alto-
gether— " My watch is gone !" said he.

" Gone !" exclaimed the old Citizen, tc Impossible!"

" Gone !" observed Flourish, " you mistake ; feel for it again!"

" But you had a guard to it," said Turf, with a smile on his
face; " and I thought from the look of it, a very strong one."

" The guard, watch, and seals are all gone !" answered
Sprightly, " 1 must have slept sound, indeed, not to have felt
any tug at it."

"If your guard has deserted you," replied Flourish, " it is
hopeless. Are your teeth all safe ? Ha ! ha ! ha !"

" The snoozing system is always a dangerous one, where pro-
perty is concerned," observed the waiter, with a sneer, " but we
lost our dial one night, when our eyes were open, and wide
awake. There is no guard-ing against such events."

"If that was the case," said Makemoney — " it is high time
to be missing ; or, we may be lost ourselves ; and a reward
offered for us ; ha ! ha ! ha ! Let us keep our own secrets, that
we may not have the laugh of the public against us."

" Be it so," said Turf, " therefore, as soon as we can, let us
hide ourselves in a drag, it will not do to show ourselves in the
street at this time of day. A hackney coach was immediately
at the door, the Pilgrims jumped into it, without delay, and in a
very short time they found themselves comfortably seated in
Makemoney 's drawing-room, when Flourish exclaimed, " After
all that I have seen, ' L' experience est la maitresse dcs
fous!"

318 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER XIV.

The Pilgrims in training — a horse cannot always be running
at the top of his speed ; and the strongest men require rest
when they put NATURE to the test. FLOURISH, SPRIGHTLY,
and MAKEMONEY restored to their pristine state of health,
and anxious to start upon another cruise. The Pilgrims
once more on the Thames., enjoying all its nautical grandeur,
united with the picturesque and pleasing variety of its sce-
nery, developed on its banks. A character on board of the
steamer — an ENGLISH DON JUAN — a man of sentiment — an
appalling picture of the destruction occasioned, by dissipa-
tion and libertinism on the human frame : a portrait for in-
considerate young men to analyse, before it is too late, in
all its bearings — depicted by TURF in an artist-like manner.
Modern Antiquity ; or, the mansion built with stones from
old London Bridge — its various comical designations and
allusions by the passengers, who pass and repass it, up and
down the River. A sketch of the Proprietor, by the old Citi-
zen. MAKEMONEY determined to participate in the amuse-
ments of GRAVESEND, without any restraint ; according to
the maxim, ' that when you are at Rome, do as Rome does'
Remarks, by the old Citizen, on the rapid rise of Gravesend
in the estimation of the public, as a convenient and fashion-
able watering-place — contrasted with his boyhood days, to
the downhill of life. With a variety of other circumstances
which presented themselves to the PILGRIMS, during their
trip to Grsvesend : —

There's a magnet OLD THAMES firmly holds in his mouth,

To which all sorts of merchandize tend ;
And the trade of all nations — WEST, NORTH, EAST, and SOUTH —

Like the needle, points right to— GRAVESEND !

AFTER a storm comes a calm, it is said, and some little time oc-
curred before the Pilgrims were again ready to start : they were
compelled to undergo a kind of training, to recover from the
effects of the Vauxhall row.

The black eye of Flourish induced him to keep within side of
his house for a short period — he had too much good sense to
show himself to the public ; and, under any circumstances,
nothing has so much the appearance of ' low life !' about a man's
face, as that of a damaged eye.

Sprightly's nose, in point of look, was equally unpleasant to

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 319

his feeling's ; and he likewise preferred retirement, rather than
brave the laugh and jeers of his acquaintance and friends ; until
time and repeated applications should have restored it to its
original character.

Makemoney had nothing outwardly against his appearance ;
therefore, he could hobble about under an excuse of an attack
of the gout ; and Turf, retreated to his cottage, to enjoy the
country air, and laugh at the plight in which he had left the
Pilgrims. Thus matters stood for a short period.

However, possessing all the enjoyments of life at home, time
did not hang heavily upon their hands, although they did not stir
outside their doors. But at length, all impediments vanished,
and a trip to GRAVESEND was carried mem. con. Timely inti-
mation of their wishes were communicated to Turf ; and he,
without delay, sent the following letter : —

" Turf Cottage

To one and all of you.

My dear Pilgrims !

I hope that none of your friends, Flourish,

can now say that black is the white of your eye. Also, that Sprightly's bowsprit
will soon be ready for actual service ; and I rejoice to hear, the tough old Commo-
dore, Peter Makemoney, Esq., will again hoist his flag for another cruize. Suc-
cess to all sound hearts, and true bottoms. The loss of the Commodore's hat in
his last voyage, is of no moment to me, when I am assured that his head is all right.
I met, yesterday, poor Penelope, on Richmond Hill, brim-full of grief, for the
loss of her heart — which, she says, she has never heard of since she was in com-
pany with ' O dear, what can the matter be ?' But every man to his own

business, therefore, I say, Gravesend, ahoy! I will be with you, my jolly boys,
in good time. Your's to the end of life,

To the Pilgrims. CHARLES TURF."

" I am heartily glad that he has accepted of our invitation,"

said Makemoney, " either at home or abroad — over the bottle,

or in any other shape, he is an invaluable companion. Turf, in

my mind, is exactly the character which Shakspeare describes: —

A merrier man, I never met withal.

The night before starting, Turf arrived in London: and a
jolly evening was the result : but sobriety the leading feature.
The next morning they were all on board of the steamer before
the bell gave notice — " off she goes !"

On the Pilgrims entering the saloon, accompanied by Tuif,
the latter almost stood aghast with horror and surprise, on
beholding a person once well known at the West end of the
town in all the gay circles of society, propped up in one corner
and wrapped in a heavy cloak to keep himself warm ; his face
was deadly pale ; in fact, he was an illustration of those em-
phatic words, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans every thing ;
yet it did not appear from the effects of age. His voice was
completely gone ; and it appeared like a hollow whisper when
he addressed Turf — " Don't you know me Mr. Turf ? I think I

:V20 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

am a little altered since you first knew me ? I am going to see
what the fresh air will do for me in the neighbourhood of
Gravesend ;" This exertion seemed too much for him, and he
reclined his head against the side of the vessel

Turf, who did not like to play the hypocrite, nor to ill-treat
an apparently dying man, replied — " Certainly you do not look
well," and abruptly left the saloon, and went upon deck. He
was followed by Sprightly, Makemoney, and Flourish, to know
the cause of his hasty departure.

" I cannot, will not, sit down in the company of a wretch
that I despise ; he is a disgrace to society." replied Turf, *' His
appearance is odious to my feelings."

" A more emaciated being I never saw in my life," said Make-
money, " Who is he ? At all events, he is not long for this
world !"

" He is well known amongst the people of fashion — under
the title of the * English DON JUAN; or, lady-killing Fred!'
He appears to have had a summons from death ; but while he
can put one leg before the other, he will mix with society; in-
deed, I shall not be surprised to hear that he is found dead at
one of the theatres: he is restless, and cannot stay at home ; but
he never will be able to return to town."

" No," replied Flourish, " I think Gravesend will finish
him !"

" Yes," urged Sprightly — "he is bound for Grave's-end !"

ft Will you be kind enough to give us an outline of his cha-
racter," said Makemoney — " an English Don Juan will be worth
hearing about, I rather anticipate."

" He was," said Turf, " when I first knew him, considered a
perfect Adonis in form : he valued himself highly on the beauty of
his person ; and he likewise flattered himself that no female
whatever could resist his advances. He commenced life when
quite a youth, long before his majority, with a splendid fortune
— fine estates, &c., but all his thoughts were bent upon the ruin
of the sex ; and I regret to say, that too many of his schemes
were successful ; yet, strange to say, he was a sordid miser in
every thing else, but spending his money in profusion to over-
throw the mind of the females he had set his roving eyes upon.

"His cruelty and desertion of some of his victims, were of so
diabolical a nature ; that my indignation will not let me repeat
them. He was a bully and a coward in the same breath. He
was a single man, to all intents and purposes — and his love for
women, was out of the question; it was the most unbridled
lust.

" He had studiously and indefatigably made himself master
of every accomplishment that could tend to render him an ob-
ject of attraction with the fair sex. He spoke French fluently,
and with as good an accent as the most gentlemanly Parisian
his dancing was elegance, personified ; and in manners, and

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 321

politeness he was a perfect Chesterfield. In truth, he was a
most dangerous, insinuating- fellow in the company of females ;
and had he taken a right course, must have been a hero
amongst men. He had occasioned, by his vile arts and dupli-
city, more misery and destruction to several families of the most
reputable description, than a life of a thousand years could
ever make atonement for. His character became so notorious
and despicable, that the door of every family, who valued their
reputation, was closed against him ; but whenever his vile strata-
gems failed him, to complete the degradation of a female, he,
demon-like, lost no time to blast her reputation, if possible, in
the dark. He is an assassin of the blackest dye, a complete sen-
sualist, and as to feeling, he only knows it by name.

" He boasts amongst his companions, that he has lived all the
days of his life, if not a few days more, as if his opinion of men
and manners could have any weight, except in circles where
such wretches as himself, only meet.

" He has outraged NATURE to its fullest extent ! He ap-
pears to be now in the last stage of consumption, full of misery,
excruciating pains, and agony. His premature imbecility is
frightful ! for he has not reached any thing like the age of what
is termed an old man ! Nothing can console his mind, accord-
ing to report, horrors overwhelm him when he reflects on his
wanton crimes. He is dying by inches, and nothing can conceal
from him that he is fast approaching to death !

A motley train — Fever with cheek of fire, diseases thick,
Consumption wan ; Palsy half warm with life ;
And a half clay clod lump ; joint-tottering gout,
, And even-gnawing rheumatism, convulsion wild ;
Swollen dropsy, panting asthma, apoplex,
Full gorg'd. These too the pestilence that walks
In darkness, and the sickness that destroys
At broad noon -day !

fc I am sorry to say, however uncharitable it may appear,
that I have not the slightest pity for him ; because, his errors
were committed — wilfully ! He was cold and deliberate in all
his attacks on females ; and the most calculating seducer that I
ever knew, or heard of. There was not a single redeeming point
point about his character.

" He was the complete destruction of a family, that came
under my own immediate observation, who were most intimate
acquaintances of mine. An only daughter, living with her
father, a widower, beautiful as Hebe, with a host of suitors in
her train, and the pride and envy of her sex. He proposed
marriage to her father, and was accepted ; that circumstance
gave him a familiarity of visiting in the house, which otherwise
could not have taken place ; unhappily, she became fond of the
wretch, and viewed him as her future husband. In an unfortunate
hour, she became a victim to his machinations, and by his arts

2 c

322 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

induced to elope from her father's residence. Villain like, he
soon became tired of his victim, and deserted her for another, and
fled to the Continent. Her venerable parent, one of the highest
spirited men that ever existed, became so overwhelmed with
grief, he died broken-hearted. The girl, without a friend or re-
lative to call her seducer to account, and meeting with bad ad-
visers, ultimately, became a miserable prostitute, and died in the
hospital. Justice though slow, is sure ; he has been overtaken
in his villainy, and he will die despised and hated by all man-
kind.

" I am not a vindictive man, neither do I wish to pursue ven-
geance beyond the grave ; but when we see the peace and hap-
piness of whole families totally destroyed by such cold, delibe-
rate wretches, patience, in my humble opinion, becomes a crime,
and it is the duty of every man to express his detestation of such
infamous conduct!

" He must be a bad man indeed, who cannot find some per-
son that will offer a word, or two in mitigation of his conduct ;
but of this I am assured, that none will pity, but many will rejoice
at his death: the curses of wretched girls, and the maledictions of
broken-hearted fathers and mothers, will hover over his grave,
and serve as a monument to his infamous remembrance. 1 again
repeat, I am not a vindictive man, but if I could erect a stone to
convey the above information to the rising generation of females,
as a beacon to avoid such monsters in human shape, no expense
should deter me from such an act. His last moments must be
dreadful to him if reason holds her seat : —

Let no dark crimes,

In all their hideous forms, then starting up, •

Plant themselves round my couch in grim array,
And stab my bleeding heart with two edg'd torture,
Sense of past guilt, and dread of future woe.

" Let us leave him to his fate/5 observed Flourish, " and at-
tend to subjects of a more cheerful nature."

The Pilgrims after promenading up and down the deck of the
steamer, and letting no object escape their notice, worthy of ob-
servation, on both sides of the Thames, when they came opposite
Greenhithe, Flourish put up his telescope to take an accurate
view of a new mansion which presented itself to his view.

A smartly dressed man, rather of a sporting aspect, with a
certain sort of dash about his character, and one, who seemed to
have lived all the days of his life, and, according to the vulgar
phrase ' up to a thing or two !' thus addressed him, " That
building, sir, is a great object of attraction to the passengers
who daily pass, and repass it, on their trips to and from Graves-
end."

" The situation is delightful," replied Flourish, and a splen-
did retreat from the fatigues and cares of office, that a monarch
might be delighted with."

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 323

" It must always prove an interesting- feature to the spectator
from two circumstances connected with its erection. The stones
which compose the building-, formerly belonged to the Old Lon-
don Bridge, therefore, as a matter of antiquity, united with mo-
dern taste, it becomes rather important as an object of curiosity."

" It has, I understand/' replied Makemoney, " cost already a
pretty round sum ; thousands of pounds have been expended
upon it, and thousands of pounds are still required before the
mansion is complete."

" It reminds me of an old song/* said Sprightly, " which my
nurse has often sung me to sleep with.

London Bridge is -broken down,

Dance over my Lady Lea ;
London Bridge is broken down,

With a gay lady !

Build it up with silver and gold, &c.

f< I do not care a fig for its architecture," observed the sport-
ing man, " and the grounds beautifully as they are laid out, sink-
into insignificance by comparison, with the proprietor of the man-
sion, when his name is mentioned — Alderman HARMER. It has
been jocularly called ' Thieves Hall !' and a variety of other desig-
nations, in allusion to the great success which attended the prac-
tice* of Mr. Harmer, in the character of solicitor, and the frequent
acquittals of certain parts of the population deemed cracksmen,
soft robbers, high toby gloques, fogle hunters, £c.&c."

" I know him well, Horatio," said Turf, " the briefs of Soli-
citor Harmer, were short, pithy, and common sense : the counsel
had only to cast their eyes over them, and the case presented
itself to their notice at the first blush. There is no doubt but he
has by his ingenuity, exertion, and knowledge of the criminal

* It is a sound maxim, that every man is presumed innocent until he is found
guilty ; and every individual under doubtful circumstances, has a right to pro-
cure the best assistance within his grasp. When a man's liberty, or his life is in
danger, gentility of feelings, or practise, is entirely out of the question, and re-
minds us of a dialogue which took place in a court of justice, between the late
Judge Garrow, when a brow- beating barrister, and the well-known Bow-street
officer, the late Jack Townshend, as ' to the mode of yetting a living .'*

Question. — How do you get your living, sir?

Answer. — You know me very well, Mr. Garrow.

Question. — I insist upon knowing how you get your livelihood. Recollect,
sir, you are upon your oath.

Answer. — Yes, sir, I have taken a great many oaths in my time, but I ought to
have said, professionally.

Question. — To the question, sir ; and no equivocation.

Answer. — Why then, sir, I get my living in the same way as you do.

Question. — How is that, fellow ?

Answer. — I am paid for taking up thieves; and you are paid for * getting
them offV that is much about the same sort of thing.

Question. — You consider yourself a sharp shot, don't you, fellow ?

Answer. — No, sir, but I like to hit the mark !

Question. — You may stand down, fellow!

Answer. — I am glad, sir, you found me UP J

,•

324 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

law, saved the lives of several guilty men, almost with ropes
round their necks. Although not considered an eloquent man,
yet, he was viewed, in difficult cases, one of the most able defen-
ders ; gentlemanly and persuasive in his manners and address ;
and much better than all the rest, his orations before the magis-
trates, were short, but emphatic and decisive."

" True," answered Makemoney, " he had deservedly the cha-
racter of a clever man, a first-rate lawyer in the criminal courts,
and Mr. Harmer was listened to with the greatest attention. There
was also a firmness about his mode of speaking which had great
weight with the justices of peace in town and country ; he never
appeared in doubt, hesitation ,on his part, was entirely out of the
question, his mind was always made up, that seemed to infer
that he had the law at his fingers ends.

" His PERSONAL practise was immense at one period of his
career/' said the sporting man/' and he might have been term-
ed ihejlying solicitor, for he was daily to be seen at three or
four of the police offices. The magistrates liked Mr. H., because
he gave them little trouble ; he always saw his way clearly, and
whenever danger appeared to any extent, to individuals, his
assistance was sought after with avidity ; and if his clients only
told the truth to him, it was two lo one in their favour.

" The first case that brought him into notoriety with tbe pub-
lic, as a lawyer, that 1 recollect/' was' the book he published
respecting Holloway and Haggety, to prove their innocence. At
the execution of the above men in the Old Bailey, upwards of
thirty person were trod upon, and died from suffocation, and the
immense crowd."

" But one of the most triumphant things of the soit," answer-
Makemoney, " was his rescuing a young man of the name of
George Mathews, from the jaws of death, removing him from the
condemned cell, ultimately obtaining for him a free pardon, and
also clearing him of the crime alleged against him, likewise ex-
posing the cruelty and vengeance of his prosecutor, against the
most overwhelming influence!"

" In most of the great criminal prosecutions, wThich agitated
the mind of the public," said Flourish, " the name of Harmer,
always stood conspicuous ; either for or against, his services were
to valuable to remain idle."

" But in the immense law suit and trial of the House of
Kinnear and Co.," urged Turf, " which excited the attention of
the merchants both in London and Liverpool, placed the talents
of Mr. Harmer, as a lawyer in the most eminent point of view.
Kinnear was a host in himself, a perfect Crichton for a know-
ledge of the world, the study of mankind, and a giant at
finesse. He might have have been compared to Cerberus ; for
he possessed the talents of three heads on one pair of shoulders.
Kinnear, by his arts, had completely duped several solicitors, who
had been employed against him, they could not fathom his

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 325

depth. But when Mr. Harmer removed the rnasqued battery, he
was completely foiled, exposed, found guilty, and suffered some
years imprisonment. However, strange to say, Kinnear was so
delighted with the undaunted perseverance, and never-tiring
talents of Mr. II., who was not to be diverted from his most
difficult task, that he strongly solicited, on obtaining his liberty,
the latter would become his solicitor. This alone speaks
volumes, and the merchants of London presented Mr. Harmer,
with a splendid piece of plate for his valuable services !"

" In obtaining the title of Alderman," observed Makemoney,
" his numerous clients lost a valuable defender, as he could not
exercise his talents as a solicitor before the magistrates by plead-
ing for any person ; but, nevertheless, he serves his , country in
his character of Alderman, and his mode of disposing cases,
always tempering justice with mercy has met with the highest
approbation from the public !"

" He has always been a steady friend to the liberty of the
subject," said Turf, " and I understand his vote upon all public
questions, has been given on the liberal side."

" True, sir, true, he has been consistent in that respect," ob-
served the sporting man, "and his name appears at the bottom
of a widely circulated newspaper, as the principal proprietor —
one of the boldest and most fearless on the list of journals. It
once obtained a distinguished feature in the sporting- world for
its reports connected with the turf, &c., and which feature might
have been said one of its stepping stones to fame and wealth for
a rising circulation with the public ; but since which period, it
has changed its character altogether, whether from a better
notion of things, or an improved taste, I am not aware, but the
pugilists, once its heroes, have been knocked about in all direc-
tions, nay, most of themfloored without a hit on the sconce, it is
urged that honesty is the best policy. The ' Blue-bottles/ accor-
ing to the cant phrase of the day, have also been thrashed with-
in an inch of their reputation, for tyranny of conduct, and un-
just detection. Likewise, the ' Swell-mob,' (gentlemen thieves,
who have a character to lose amongst their brother artists,)
have been shown up with a kind of &now#-castigation, which has
not only made them wince again, but to hide their diminished
heads.

Since laws were made for every degree,
To curb vice in others as well as me, &c.

yet, I have no doubt, that the DISPATCH, which has, and still
continues to prove a mine of wealth to Mr. Harmer, is conduct-
ed under the motto of — e Fiat justitia mat coelum.' "

"Every hour of his life has been employed actively for the
benefit of society," said Makemoney, " and the civic coach will
never be better filled with a practical man, and one well versed in
the duties of the office, than when on his road to Guildhall, and

'226 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

the chain of the Lord Mayor is placed round the neck of Alder-
man Harmer."

The Pilgrims, very soon afterwards, arrived safe at Gravesend ;
and without loss of time, began to participate inall its amusements.

" It is of no use visiting" a popular watering-place," said
Makemoney, " without unbending and making yourself quite at
home. It is a delightful trip from the metropolis, a sort of jump,
only two hours, nay, you are wafted from one place to the other
during the time you are occupied in reading a newspaper. What
alterations and improvements occur in the course of a few years,
united with enterprise and capital. When I was a boy, Graves-
end was a mere dog-hole by comparison to its present appear-
ance. It is now like a flourishing city ; fine houses, capital
libraries, theatre, numerous steam boats, &c., in short it is like a
new world."

" True, uncle," replied Sprightly, " there are delightful
walks, unbounded prospects, and such facilities, not only to
procure comforts, but amusements, until you are tired of them.
Besides excellent company, and meeting with old acquaintances.
A place like Gravesend, with such advantages near the Metro-
polis, must meet with immense patronage !"

" What do you say, sir," Turf asked Makemoney, " to a ride
upon a Jerusalem pony ? You seem rather fatigued with your
walk up hill, and a lift will refresh you."

" I most certainly would not trust myself upon the back of a
race horse, or contest a match for gentleman's stakes at Doncas-
ter, Epsom, &c.,but I see no cause for fear on the outside of a
donkey ; therefore, as our trip is entirely dedicated to pleasure,
ease, and comfort, a man has a right to unbend in any way he
my think proper ; provided it be of a harmless description, re-
gardless of the remarks a joke of his friends, however ridicu-
lous it may appear in the eyes of fastidious persons!"

" I have a nice donkey for you, sir," observed a fellow to the
old Citizen. " She is as safe as a go-cart. An old lady of
ninety, who is blind, has rode her without fear : and felt no
reluctance to let the donkey go where she pleased — she is a sen-
sible creature, and if there is a bit of fresh air to he had in
Gravesend, she knows where to get it for my customers ; be-
sides an infant might hold her with the most perfect ease. She
can do everything but speak ; but howsomdever, she under-
stands wot 1 says to her, and by sundry signs, best known to
myself, she answers accordingly. Let me give you a leg up,
sir; you will find yourself as easy as if you vos on a bed of
down."

Makemoney was induced to mount the Jerusalem poney —
" she is quite safe, I hope," said he.

" Safe as the Bank of England, sir, you shall hear the naked
truth, only listen. This ere donkey ought not to be called an

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 327

Jianimal ; she possesses more abilities than many of the human
race : without any reflections on the ladies and gents, who are
by-standers. It is a she-donkey, sir, and a lady christened it
Tacita, which she explained to me, meant the Goddess of Si-
lence. But I doesn't understand any laming-. Now Tacita,
mind as how wot I tell you — be careful, and go slow ; because
you have got a gemman on your back. I knows him werry
veil. In the vinter time I am a costermonger, and I sarves your
house near the docks with wegetables ; therefore, as how, I
wouldn't let you have a shyer ; or, a kicking poney for the vorld.
Therefore, Tacita, you keep the line, and do not bolt."

The donkey would not move a step ; and the spectators were
convulsed with laughter at the awkward situation of Make-
money.

" Bolt .'" said Flourish, " why, she will not move a step.
Ha! ha! ha!"

" If you don't go," observed the coster-monger, " I must use
my persuader ; therefore, don't you get sulky, or else 1 must
tip it you, and no mistake. So percede at once."

Seeing the dilemma in which Makemoney was placed, a low-
life fellow began to shout and sing —

If I had a donkey what wouldn't go,
Do you think I'd wollop him ? oh, no, no.
I'd give him some hay and cry ge woo !
And come up Neddy.
If all had been like me, in fact
There' d been no occasion for Martin's hact !
Dumb hanimals to prevent getting crack' t
Over the head.
Oh, if I had, &c.

" I say, ould chap, how long will you be getting to town ?
Three months, or half a year. The steam an't up, is it ? Ha !
ha ! ha !"

" Come now, Mr. Spooney," said the coster-monger, don't
you laugh at, and behave rude to the gemman ; if you do as-
how, I will give you summut for yourself; so now you make
your lucky, for fear of an accident. The gemman is going on
werry veil, I'm sure — he only vants a little fresh air, and he'll
get time, as much by sitting upon the donkey, as standing
upon the turf. I am werry sorry, sir," said he to Makemoney,
" but Tacita is not in spirits to-day, and harn't got the pluck to
move ; but to-morrow, sir, if you come to me on this ere werry
spot of ground, I will not charge you a copper for a ride, when-
you will find Tacita as fresh as a four year old ; and as lively
as a race-horse." The old Citizen finding he had been imposed
upon, got off the donkey,, and retired amidst the laugh of the
surrounding spectators • observing to Flourish, " I'll have nothing-
more to do with Jerusalem ponies."

The Pilgrims had scarcely descended the hill, when they ob-

328 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

served a splendid mansion, and a female elegantly dressed, sitting1
at the window on the first floor. She immediately recognized
Turf, and with a graceful nod, gave him to understand that she
wished to speak to him. " It is the match-girl/' said he to
Makemoney, " go my friends to the inn, when I will join you
as soon as possible ; and relate the result of this interview."
The Pilgrims left him, when a servant in a rich livery was wait-
ing at the door to usher in Turf to his mistress.

" My dear Turf," she exclaimed, " I am .delighted to see you:
in brief — I am an altered creature since I last saw you — not the
same woman ! don't smile, but believe me, it is the truth. I am
married to a gentleman who is connected with a noble family ;
and of some importance in the state ; who really loves me !
whose attention and liberal conduct towards me, since I have
hecome his wife ; makes me sincerely regret, that 1 ever was
a loose female."

" You please me, beyond expression," replied Turf, " Better
late than never."

" His proposals to me were so extremely generous, that I could
not mistake his attachment for me ; and when I found that he
would take no denial, I was determined not to deceivehim. I will
be equally honorable and generous too I exclaimed — I have mo-
ney enough with a little economy to keep me like a lady ; during
my life ; but I will own to you, what I never felt before in my
life — LOVE for a man; perhaps, when you hear my story, which
you shall, and not a particle of it disguised from the first to the
last — you may be inclined to assert, I ought not to have intro-
duced the word — LOVE ! I then told him the whole of my
unfortunate, disgraceful career, and finished my tale in the fol-
lowing words.

" You astonish me," replied Turf.

" I have been looked upon as a bad, designing, artful sort of
creature, without a soul, nothing like a heart ,- and to render
men subservient to my purposes. Perhaps I had better plead
guilty to the charges, or throw myself on the mercy of the
Court. But, nevertheless, it is my intention to become a good
woman, and by my future conduct, to make every reparation in
my power to ensure my own happiness, and to obtain, if possi-
ble, respect from society.

I have looked into myself with a most scrutinizing eye — ac-
companied with an upbraiding conscience ; and I now see my-
self in its true light. But have a care of promises, said I to my
husband, the experiment on your part is truly a dangerous one;
there ha^e been many backsliders in the world ; and it is not
too much to assert, but I may add one to the number."

" I again repeat, be on your guard — recollect the taunts and
sneers you are likely to meet from your friends respecting euch
a marriage. Look hefore you leap ; hut if after what I have
related to you, you are determined to make me your WIFE — do

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 329

not reproach me with past circumstances, should any foolish,
trifling- quarrel ensue between us — all ; ALL, must be hencefor-
ward buried in oblivion. Six months will I allow you for
serious consideration of the matter, that you may not be taken
by surprise ; and if after the end of that period,, you renew the
proposals, feeling' convinced that I shall act up to my assertion,
I will then say, there is my hand — my heart — my property ; and
will endeavour to fulfil all the honorable and sacred duties im-
posed upon a WIFE ; and make your home a paradise.

"At the end of six months, he did renew his proposals of mar-
riage ; but I insisted he should take three months more : and
after that period had elapsed, I still hesitated — and at the end of
twelve months, I became his partner for life.

" His noble conduct has so endeared him to me, that I love
him with an excess of admiration. He has raised me from in-
famy to happiness ; and I will never lose sight of the chance I
have obtained. Therefore, I am an altered woman, to all intents
and purposes ; do not believe me, but come and witness it. Not
when my husband is out, but when he is at home. I will then
introduce you to him : for in my opinion, to the open heart-
ed— straight-forward Charles Turf — a king1 might consider
such an introduction an honor. Farewell ; but I shall expect a
visit from you, without fail."

Turf made his bow, and returned to the Pilgrims, who were
extremely anxious to know the result of his visit. ' " Wonders
will never cease/' said he, (( the match-girl is married ; yet it is
nothing more than 1 expected. She is an extraordinary creature
after all ; possessing talents to achieve anything, however diffi-
tult the task ; Charlotte Partridge is united to a man of fortune;
and of political importance in the country."

" How did she get rid of her gay spark, Rentroll ? I should
like to hear the way in which she managed that circumstance.
I think your story only went as far as her exit from the lock-up
house — perhaps you would have the kindness to give us the
wind-up of it — as it may be considered now she is a married
woman — the climax of her career ?" asked Makemoney.
" I have no objection," answered Turf, "only listen."
" The match-girl, it should seem, never exactly overlooked
the charge of her being rather flushed with liquor at the mas-
querade, by Rentroll ; and also she rather thought there was
neglect about him — he paid less attention to her — and she per-
ceived a coyness that did not suit her feelings. He therefore,
was dismissed according to a vulgar proverb, with a flea in his
ear. Such a change in the conduct of the match-girl was quite
unexpected — he could scarcely believe it true ; and treated it as
a joke, merely to try the effects of his attachment. But he had
slighted beauty — the worst crime he could have committed to a
female — more especially with an adept in matters of intrigue.
With pride, as the ci-devant match-girl now valued herself

2 D

330 THE PIIGRIMS OF THE THAMES

on her property ; and in consequence of her mixture with men
of the upper classes of society — her wretched origin, was nearly
banished from her memory.

" Rentroll was caught before he was aware of it, paying- his
addresses to another shrine ; and the decree of Charlotte was
final. No appeal was suffered to be heard against? her man-
date.

" The sighs of Rentroll — the sorrow he expressed — his appli-
cations to be heard in extenuation, all, all, were useless : offers
of atonement, accompanied with a rich present — she would not
listen to. He was proved a traitor to the cause, and he must
suffer judgment — ' I cautioned you,' said Charlotte, 'on our first
agreement, that it should not be my fault if a separation took
place between us. I have kept my word ; therefore, there is
nothing harsh in my decision, and yourself only to blame. What
I have decided upon is entirely out of respect to myself. I am
once more free. And the name of Rentroll I shall not only
erase from the tablet of my memory'; but cease to think that
such a person ever had existence/

" ' You cannot do so ! you will not, I am sure/ replied Rent-
roll, visibly touched — cno, no, you do not mean it.'

" ' My mind is resolutely made up/ answered Charlotte, in a
very lofty tone — ' therefore, do not annoy me any more on this
subject. If you persist — you will compel me to call for assist-
ance, and expel you from the house/

" ' Expel me from this house / replied Rentroll, rising in cho-
ler, and agitated.

" ' Yes, this house ; it is mine ! I am aware that you pre-
sented it to me — but it is now mine by a legal claim ; therefore,
behave decorously, or else I shall put my threat into execution/

" c Is it come to this ?' observed Rentroll — ' am I awake — are
my eyes open— do not my ears deceive me ?'

" ' No, there is no deception/ replied Charlotte, ' Ha ! ha !
ha ! It is true you have transferred your affections ! Poor fel-
low ! You could not help it. I am not at all angry for your so
doing ; perhaps, you have shown your taste, and I wish you

every pleasure with your new idol, the lovely Maria But

such changes are mere matters of routine with men of gallantry ;
and women are equally as fickle-minded, I am well aware ! But
Charlotte Partridge is not one of that class. Ha ! ha ! ha ! t
am a ncm-descript ; they do sneer at me, and say, I shall yet
be punished severely for my coldness, calculation, system, indiffer-
ence, and several other disagreeble phrases might be added — it
may be so ! I cannot peep into futurity ! The wind changes,
and so do women ; some, I know, are moved by every blast, and
there is no fixing them in any quarter/

" ( Do not enrage me beyond the limits of bearing, or perhaps,
I may forget myself, and do that, which I should be sorry for
afterwards," replied Rentroll, getting into a passion.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 321

*' ' Keep your temper, young man, and listen — Your threats
ftre useless, lam too well prepared for you ; a good general will
not suffer himself to be surprised. But to recur to the subject, I
will put it out of my power to act foolishly, I will settle every
shilling that I have got upon myself, while I possess sanity of
mind, then I cannot be overtaken, or upset in my resolution.'

"' How have I been mistaken in the character you now appear
to me — I am thunder-struck !' said Rentroll.

" ' Yes, perhaps, the knowing one has been duped ; but you
must pay for your learning !' replied Charlotte, * Ha! ha ! ha !
and the knowledge you have received in my company, will prove
of far more service to you, than all the dry routine lessons of
education/

" After the rage of Rentroll had subsided a little, and he
could give utterance to speech, he observed, in a most indignant
tone, * My once violent attachment towards you, Charlotte, is
now changed to the most violent hatred, and I despise myself for
having spent one hour ; nay, a single minute, in the company of
such a woman, or rather the exterior of one ! Your presence
in future, would prove to me, disgusting beyond expression.'

" * Moderate your resentment, Rentroll,' Charlotte replied,
with a sneer, ' be gentlemanly ; and to show you how lady-
like I can behave, here is my hand, which I offer to you in friend-
ship. I sincerely wish you well, but the sooner you quit my
house, will restore me to a state of convalescence: yet, remem-
ber, never to annoy me any more, for fear of the consequences.
Here Betty, open the door, Mr. Rentroll is anxious to depart.'

"' I must depart, or perhaps, I might commit murder: at all
events, endanger your existence,' said Rentroll, * but I do hope
you will yet be punished for your ingratitude and treachery, and
that form of clay, for it cannot be human, yet be taught to feel
the most bitter sufferings, that can be inflicted on any person, for
the remainder of your life !' He then rushed out of the house.
" ' Poor Rentroll, ha ! ha ! ha ! He took it better, after
all, than I expected/ observed Charlotte, ' so much for Buck-
ingham.' "

" My indignation would have so far got the better of me," ob-
served Flourish, " that I would have shot her without the slight-
est remorse ; surely, there could be no sin in ridding the world of
such a demon in petticoats ?"

" Hold hard !" said Turf, "till I have finished her portrait, and
then make what remarks you think proper 1 The match-girl had
since her elevation above rags and poverty, perused many books
with great attention, during her leisure moments ; and also united
her reading with a practical knowledge of society. She shuddered
frequently with horror on viewing those outcasts of society —
unfortunate women, who seek a livelihood in the public streets ;
and who might have been, at one period of their lives, living-
equally in grandeur, if not superior, to herself. The match-

332 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

girl despised the foolish motto, of a ' short life and a merry one ;
she preferred being called a creature of art, rather than the
mere plaything* of the hour, fondled, and carressed for a few
fleeting- weeks, or months, and then deserted like a pestilence.

" ' I have seen,' said she, ' some of the finest women in the
world, in a shorter space of time than could be believed, reduced
from thoughtlessness, dissipation, and beggary, worn out from
disease, passed home, in a cart, to their parish, and end their
wretched existence in a workhouse. Buried without a friend to
follow them to their graves, or, a sigh for their loss, or memory.
Such an end, I hope, will never be my fate/

" * But to prevent such a termination to my career, I have learnt
the value of riches ; if my health is in danger, I can procure the
best advice, and the choice of physicians. And if riches will
not procure respectabi'jty in society, for doubtful females,
such a one as I am they will save me from the cut direct.
Riches will also keep me honest, when perhaps, poverty might
overbalance all my better feelings, and cause me to commit
crimes under wretched circumstances. Besides, rich persons ac-
cording- to the averag-e term of life, enjoy a greater longevity,
than those who are in want of the necessaries of life. A poor
man, or woman, is too often without a friend ; and most people
shun poverty almost as a crime, even old, intimate acquaintances,
are lost sight of and forgotten in the world. The possession of
riches make a distinction in every movement in life ; there is a
distinction felt between the rich thief and the petty larceny rob-
ber ; the judges appear to pity the respectable looking man at
the bar; and the officers of justice allow him favour, while the
poor wretch may faint from exhaustion.'

" f Besides, the opinion of the rich man has great weight in
all companies without shewing traits of Oxford or Cambridge
talents ; therefore, the acquirement of riches has been my study,
and I have found it superior to all the other accomplishments
put together. RICHES have procured me comforts, pleasure,
and attention, and few persons are to be met with, who will
not bow, succumb, and flatter the rich person. Then my deter-
mination has long been fixed, never to lose sight of the value of
property.

" 'I was a poor, miserable, wretched, poverty-stricken girl, at
one period of my life, and almost as ignorant as a dumb animal,
but, thanks to my instructor, the poor dead and gone banker,
when the daylight opened upon me as to a better view of
society, I then saw the world in a new light. I became a little
better acquainted with men and manners, and with practical ex-
perience I improved, at every step I advanced, and I devoured
all my lessons with avidity. It has been clearly pointed out to
me that if I became a rich woman, my origin would never, be
questioned ; my character, if it had been .a little loose, might be
bolstered up, and no questions asked whether I derived my in-

IN SEARCH OF THF NATIONAL. 333

come from the funds., landed property, or inherited it from my
ancestors, so that I possessed the money to dazzle the eyes of
mankind. I have found it to be the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing- else but the truth !'

" ' Charlotte Partridge, the dirty, beggarly-looking, half-starv-
ed match-girl, by a single change of dress, a slice of luck, and
the golden, glorious opportunity having been seized upon, has
transformed me into a rich woman, but nevertheless, it has taught
me lo look down with fright and horror from the height I have
attained. I feel the lift, the great lift I have met with in the
world ; and it will be my constant study and aim to act upon
the system which has done so much for me, and keep me above
the frowns of mankind, in despite of the detraction and envy of
the world/

" ' However, the old adage, assures us, the ' Devil is never
half so black as he is painted !' This may be rather a saving
clause to me, when I am seen at the Bank of England every half
year, with a handsome dividend from a round sum of money,
placed in the stocks at my disposal : it may tend, in a small de-
gree to wash the ' blackamoor white.' It is my intention to re-
tire to some part of England, where I am not known, live in
good style, as a woman of fortune ; and if riches can procure a
title, buy a place, obtain a character, a funeral sermon, an
epitaph, I may yet have the chance before I quit this wicked
world, to derive the appellation of an honest woman by—
MARRIAGE !' "

" A fig for the promises of the match-girl," remarked Spright-
ly, " if she had the Bank of England for her fortune, and the
waters of oblivion could cleanse her from herimpurities,Iwould
not have her for a companion. To me the thought is disgusting,
a wife, indeed, after such a life ! — No ! no !"

" Such systematic infamy," said Flourish, " I never heard of
before, it is terrific to any thing like sensibility of disposition,
the adage is fulfilled to the extent, e a wolf in sheep's cloth-
ing/ "

"Can the match-girl/' asked Makemoney, " be a woman *
There is nothing like flesh and blood about her, I am sure. If I
remained in her company long, I should be afraid of being
carried off in a flash of fire. A woman ! — She is a devil ! A
dealers by wholesale in intrigue ! Her web is as dangerous to
men, as the spider, who entangles and destroys the fly!"

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! what a difference a word makes in the sense
of a thing," said Turf, " come, come, my worthy Pilgrims, be
more charitable, and do not set your faces against reformation.
Accept it always at the eleventh hour.

" I am inclined to think it is real ; and that it springs from
self-conviction! Previous to her alteration of mind, Charlotte
used to call it making a provision for herself. Putting a little
something by fora rainy day. Keeping the wolf from the door.
That a stitch in time saves nine. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Proverbs may

334 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

be quoted, I am fully aware, to answer every purpose, and the
devil, it is urged, can cite scripture to illustrate his argument ;
but, as a farewell to the match-girl, I will merely observe : —

Yet believe me, good as well as ill,
WOMAN'S at best, a contradiction still I

The above discourse was relieved by the appearance of
rather an elderly looking man, one of the tribe of Israel, bow-
ing to Makemoney, and who thus addressed the old Citizen.
" You are taking your pleasure, Mr. Makemoney, I perceive, I
am very glad to see you, Also retired from the fatigues of busi-
ness, like myself, I understand; and if you are fond of curiosi-
sies, I have a treat in store for you. I shall be happy to give you,
and your friends a seat in my carriage to Rochester, to view them.
" I call it a Musuem.) and I do not think you will be inclined
to quarrel with the term, when you visit it. The proprietor
is a jew, like myself, but a most fortunate man. We have been
told that the thrice Lord Mayor of London, made all his vast
riches by a cat ; and my friend, Mr. Levi, has realized all his
great wealth from an orange ; more properly speaking, and
consistent with truth — A BASKET OF ORANGES ! He is a
complete pattern of industry and perseverance ; and although,
as the term goes, ' As rich as a jew !' Ha ! ha ! ha ! up to the
present time, there is no pleasure to him, like being in business."
" You have most certainly excited my curiosity/' answered
Makemoney, " Mr. Lovegold ; and if my friends here have no
objection to accompany me, I shall be delighted with such an
opportunity.'*

" For my part," said Flourish, " novelty and character are the
order of the day with us Pilgrims ; we are out upon a tour of
discovery : besides, it is not out of place ; neither do we travel
out of our road, it being connected with the Banks of the
Thames."

" True, my dear friend," observed Turf, " and it is also
in unison with the ' search of the NATIONAL !' The tars of
old England know how to keep the ' game alive !' at Rochester,
while they have a leg to stand upon. In war time, it was a
glorious place for the inhabitants. Fortunes were made in no
time. The publicans and tradesmen could not take money fast
enough. The theatre overflowed every evening ; and the tap-
rooms and parlours were all converted into ball rooms, to accom-
modate the brave fellows belonging to the wooden walls of old
England ; who were never happy but when the fiddles were
heard, dancing with their girls, and getting rid of every shot in
the locker before the anchor was weighed : —

fr '.«J08. 9ffJ flJ

'Tis said that with grog and our lasses,

Because jolly sailors are free ;
That money we squander like asses,

Which, like horses, we earned when at ica.

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 335

But let them say this, that, or t'other,

In one thing they're forced to agree,
Honest hearts find a friend and a brother, "jiifft $ ge ^jjj^

In each worthy that ploughs the salt sea I

" It is impossible 1 should assert," replied Sprightly, " to
resist the opportunity of visiting the Museum, where the mind
will not only be gratified ; but surely some remnants of life and
spirit remain in Rochester and Chatham, although we are at
peace. At all events, let us try the experiment, and during our
ride, perhaps, Mr. Lovegold will have the kindness by way • of
preface, to give a short outline of the proprietor of the Museum.
I anticipate considerable touches of eccentricity about his cha-
racter/*

" Nothing, rest assured," replied Mr. Lovegold, " can give
me greater pleasure, because Mr. Levi has been the architect of
his own fortune, unaided by a single friend in the world ; and
who has brought up a large and rather expensive family. It
might not be too much to observe, perhaps, that a great portion
of the houses in Rochester, including two very large wharfs, call
the above person — master. Be that as it may, to the credit of
Mr. Levi, be it spoken, when quite a little urchin, necessity
compelled him to procure a livelihood, or, go without sustenance.
With a few halfpence for his capital, he first embarked on the
precarious ocean of life.

" He obtained a small basket, and with a \eryfew oranges, he
made his way to the theatre, and with the old phrase of the
people, ' Very cheap/ he invited his customers to taste the arti-
cles he offered for sale.

" This occurred during the time the inimitable DOWTON
was the hero of the tale, and where the splendid talents of the
latter were first discovered as a sound, legitimate actor, and inti-
tuled to the phrase of genuine. He was elevated to the boards
of Old Drury, from this town. His Sheva, Hassan, #c. have
never been surpassed for eliciting the emphatic effects of nature;
if equalled ! and who has stood his ground without a competitor.

" In addition to which, Master BETTY that precocious star in
theatricals, whose fame and popularity reached from one end of,
the kingdom to the other, visited Rochester, where his perform-
ances crammed the theatre every night. These circumstances
had the desired effect for the poor boy — the excessive heat
of the theatre produced excessive thirst amongst the spec-
tators, and young Levi sold his oranges (like wildfire — full
basket after basket were disposed of — and the few halfpence
from a quick profit were soon turned into shillings ; and his
trifling capital ultimately assumed a more important aspect
in the scale of money matters, and derived the term of

PROPERTY.

" Gradually rising from one step to another, the rapid accumu-
lation of articles of all sorts, was the astonishment of every

33C THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

person acquainted with the once narrow means of Mr. Levi.
He became a general merchant — and nothing- came amiss to him,
if he could turn an honest penny, either by his purchase or sale ;
he bought houses, lands, wharfs, old vessels, iron, musical
instruments, books, paper, chairs, tables, jewellery, &c., and give
me leave to assure you, gentlemen/' observed Mr. Lovegold,
" that you cannot ask for any article in general use ; or others
of a more rare and scarce character, but you can be instantly
supplied with them from the museum of Mr. Levi."

Upon the arrival of the Pilgrims at the above place, on enter-
ing a very extensive yard, filled almost with cart-loads of old
iron ; various pieces of ship timber, broken up from worn-out
vessels ; large stones, wheels, carriages, &c., some of which
appeared in the last state of destruction ; and fragments of all des-
criptions, which appeared in the eyes of the Pilgrims absolutely
useless : were surprised, when told they were worth, at least,
several thousand pounds.

The building, or museum, consists of three stories of great
length ; but to describe the immense variety of articles in them,
would require a thick volume ; in fact, communication is out of
the question : but strange to say, Mr. Levi could go in the dark
and put his hand upon anything' he might want, without any
difficulty whatever ; his memory has been so trained to it, that
he has never been found at fault upon any occasion. He attends
to his business, assisted by his wife ; without any pride or osten-
tation— shewing every thing with the greatest civility, whether
purchases are made or not, at the same time, gratifying the visi-
tors with the most ready answers in his power.

The first story of the building contains the greatest diversity
of articles that can be imagined — good and bad — toys for chil-
dren ; saddles, bird-cages, piano-fortes, &c., &c.

But the second gallery excited the astonishment of the Pil-
grims, to behold every article that, could be named; crowded
with household furniture, plate, glass, china, oil-paintings, &c.,
worthy of situations in a palace.

The third gallery was equally well stored with beds, bed-
steads, looking-glasses, decanters ; papers of every description,
printed books, colours for artists ; wearing apparel, &c., &c., and
with the utmost readiness, Mr. Levi put a price upon each
article.

" It is worthy of remark," observed Mr. Lovegold, " to shew
the extent and variety of articles to be met with in this museum
of curiosities, that a gentleman made a heavy bet, that any arti-
cle, however rare or scarce, upon being asked for, could be in-
stantly purchased upon the spot."

The authority was doubtful ; the thing was thought totally
impossible ; when the wager was accepted with the utmost con-
fidence of success.

A SECOND HAND COFFIN was the article enquired for,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 337

the person laughing in his sleeve, exclaimed with the greatest
exultation, " now I have puzzled you, Mr. Levi : Ha ! ha ! ha !
you can no more shew me such an article, than you can the man
in the moon."

" I will soon put you right/' answered Mr. Levi, with the
greatest composure, "but do not hollow before you are out of
the wood. Step a few yards along with me, when you shall de-
cide the wager yourself, sir." Then pointing to the article in
question — " I believe you call it a coffin ; and that you may be
prepared for such an event, and cause no expence to your survi-
vors, you shall have it a par gain." The gentleman retired from
the museum, astonished ; congratulating himself that the wager
had not been for a larger sum.

The above circumstance having been made public ; and which
also had created a great deal of conversation upon the subject,
another person who still doubted the resources of Mr. Levi,
offered a wager that he would name an article that the proprie-
tor of the museum could not produce.

This bet likewise was accepted, without the slightest hesita-
tion whatever; and, for a tolerable sum of money, when he
was asked what he wanted.

" A SECOND-HAND PULPIT 1" said he, « anduo juggling :
but produce it instantly."

" If you had named a church, or a synagogue," answered Mr.
Levi, "ha! ha! ha! I must have been defeated; but within
three feet where you now stand, you will perceive a PULPIT
ready made to your hands ; and if you wish to proclaim aloud
that you have lost your bet, you have the opportunity of becom-
ing an orator, to express your defeat.'*

" Had I been inclined to have made a bet " observed Turf,
*l most certainly I should have betted against the production of
a PULPIT — but opposition to a Seeond-hand COFFIN, I should
have offered without the slightest hesitation ten to oneJ"

"Strange incidents, 1 must admit," replied Flourish "but a
Second-hand Coffin, was shewn to us, if it has not slipped your
memory, containing a wax figure of the late George IV. lying in
state belonging to the Show-Folks, and which might be ex-
hibited again on a similar occasion."

" No assertion could be more in point or true " answered
Makemoney, " that travellers see strange things. I have been
highly amused with what I have seen, and the next time I visit
Rochester, I shall give Mr. Levi a call, for his museum will
bear inspection more than a second time."

" I really do not believe there is such another collection of good,
bad, and indifferent articles in the kingdom," urged Mr. Lovegold,
" but nevertheless, it is a repository of great utility to the neigh-
bourhood of Stroud, Rochester, and Chatham. The convenience of
such a place is beyond calculation, where all ranks in society may
be accommodated by a visit to Mr. Levi, and lay out their money

3 E

338 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

to the best advantage. His dealings are on an immense tcale. He
will purchase large wharfs ; old ships ; cargoes, &c., with all the
ease and indifference of selling a few sheets of paper. Those
persons whose necessities compel them to raise money by art
immediate sale of their property, either to a large or small ex-
tent, find a ready medium by an application to. the proprietor of
the above museum. Such are the advantages arising from
industry, economy, and wealth — supported by integrity/'

The Pilgrims retraced their steps to Gravesend ; bade adieu to
Mr. Lovegold for the kindness he had displayed in shewing them
the museum ; when the Steamer with all its celerity conveyed
them safe to London Bridge ; and a hackney coach brought them
safe to their residence, in the first City in the world !

Over their glass of grog, before Somnus had the Pilgrims un-
der his care, Sprightly asked his uncle how long he had known
Mr. Lovegold. " He appears to me, a similar personage to the
keeper of the museum ; and I would wager a trifle, that he also
sprang from nothing."

" You are right," replied the Old Citizen ; " I knew Love-
gold, as the Jews term it, when he was upon the ' top of the
street :' but he was always a clever, shrewd calculating civil fel-
low. He had the art of turning rags into gold ! The main
chance was alwaysrbefore his eyes. In truth the sons of Abraham,
understand the tact of getting money better than any other set
of persons in the world : but it is easily explained — they act
upon system — quick returns is their immediate object, and no
article whatever will they suffer to remain in their hands for a
single half hour, if they can get any profit by it. For instance, a
Jew boy will start early in the morning with only sixpence in
his pocket ; and with this sum he purchases some article or other
from servants ; he then returns immediately to some of his frater-
nity, or others, and perhaps sells it for nine pence, and thus by
buying and selling the whole of the day, his single sixpence,
sometimes has realized for his exertions before night, five or
six shillings."

" Mr. Lovegold commenced his career in the above manner, in
early life, he was out in the streets soon after daylight appeared,
with his bag upon his shoulder, he was extremely active on all
occasions, and never let f a pargain,' slip through his fingers.
His pence were quickly turned into shillings, the latter became
pounds, and step by step,' he rose amongst the monied interest,
into importance. He opened accounts with bankers — appeared
on the change — bought and sold to a large amount — had an eye
to politics — looked to passing events ; and neglected no oppor-
tunity to fill his coffers. He was a careful and a lucky man in
the same person: and he never spent a shilling that he could not
avoid. He ultimately turned money-lender to the young sprigs
of nobility who must have money at any price : and I have heard
that forty, fifty, and even sixty per cent, have been paid to him

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 339

for immediate cash: not thinking- that 'Gold may be bough*
too dear.' He has retired with an immense fortune ; and it is
but justice to say of him, that however ' hard bargains' he made
in the way of trade ; he is now charitable in the extreme to his
own people; and not at all wanting- in acts of generosity and
feeling- towards persons of other persuasions."

" Great an admirer as I am of Shakspeare, I think he has been
rather too severe in his remarks repecting- the Jews," said Turf.
" SHYLOCK would have his bond, it is true, but in my inter-
course with ' the people V I have found many noble hearted and
g-enerous men, alive to all the distresses incident to human nature,
and who were never backward in charitable acts. In trade, or
merchandize, I am ready to admit — they will have the advan-
tage if possible, but in other respects, I have found them excel-
lent neig-hbours and sincere friends. The passag-e 1 allude to
is: —

You m-iy as well go stand upon the beach,
And bid the main flood bate his usual height ;
You may as well use questions with the wolf,
Why he hath made the ewe beat for the lamb ;
You may as well forbid the mountain pines
To wag their high tops, and to make no noise,
When they are fretted with the gusts of heaven ;
You may as well do any thing most hard,
As seek to soften (than which what's harder,)
His Jewish HEART !

" It is severe indeed ;" answered Flourish, " but I do not take
it in a g-eneral sense : individually, it appears to me, directed a-
gainst the unfeeling- conduct of Shylock !"

" Our next trip will be to Richmond — that is, if it meets with
the approbation of my brother Pilgrims," said Makemoney, " as I
have a little affair to settle in the town ; and I feel assured you
will agree with me, that if there is one spot more than another,
where prospects and fine scenery be the object in view, on the
Banks of the Thames — it is the Hill at Richmond."

" Any where? Every where !" replied Sprig-htly, " Only my
dear Uncle, you lead the way ; and the Pilgrims will follow t
Therefore, good night to all !"

340 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

CHAPTER XV.

The PILGRIMS always on the alert ; another trip to Richmond
— the churchyard — a visit to the grave of the late EDMUND
KEAN, Esq., as an obligation to his splendid histrionic
talents. DE MORTUIS NIL NISI BONUM. Conversation
between MAKEMONEY, TURF, SPRIGHTLY, and FLOURISH,
respecting no monument having been erected over the re-
mains of so great an actor. Introduction of LAUNCELOT
QUARTO, the tourist ; the author's MS. respecting his visit
to WOODLAND COTTAGE, in the Isle of Bute, the selected
retreat of Shakspeare's hero, including a variety of origi-
nal anecdotes, never before published — description of the
splendid picturesque scenery — beauties of the Clyde ; the
interior of the cottage, paintings, books, presents made to
Mr. KEAN ; with a variety of interesting circumstances
worthy the attention of the lovers of the drama.

RICHMOND HILL, and its picturesque beauty again proved a
great source of delight to the Pilgrims, but on retiring from it,
they immediately repaired to the church yard, to take a view of
the monument of the late EDMUND KEAN, ESQ. But after tra-
versing the church yard from one end of it to the other, and
scrutinizing every thing in the shape of a tombstone, or monu-
ment, they felt greatly surprised to find nothing of the sort.

"Can such things be,
And overcome us like a summer's cloud,
Without our special wonder I'

exclaimed Makemoney, "no monument erected to Kean ? Im-
possible ! We must have mistaken the church yard. Let us
enquire of that old man yonder. Can you, my friend, point out
to us the precise spot where we shall find Kean's monument V
" Nothing of the kind/' replied the old man, " has been erect-
ed yet. There has been some talk about placing a tablet at the
head of his grave, or upon the wall of the church ; but nothing
more has been done ; however, a great many enquiries are almost
daily taking place on the subject, and much astonishment has
been expressed by every person visiting the church yard. After
the grand funeral he had, and the number of persons that follow-
ed him, it is rather strange to be sure. But he's gone, and it is
— < Out of sight, out of mind !' The remains of the great actor

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 341

lay there, (pointing- to the spot,) where you see those letters —
E. KEAN, said to have been written by a boy !"

" It has been urged, by a celebrated writer/ "said Makemoney,
"that praises on tombs are trifles, vainly spent! Be it so!
But surely some token, or some land mark is necessary to point
out the exact spot where so much intellectual talents are depo-
sited, more especially when it is recollected that the late Mr.
Kean, when in America, erected a monument to the late George
Frederick Cooke, Esq., at his own expense, in remembrance of
his great abilities in illustrating the text of our immortal bard/'

" There is an omission somewhere," replied Flourish, " why,
a PENNY subscription would have effected so desirable and
grateful object to the feelings. GARRIOK had his monument,
and why not KEAN?"

" It is, I think, a libel on the lovers of Shakspeare," observed
Sprightly, " to have let such a subject come under criticism. It
is not too late now to accomplish the erection of a monument
to so ' great a creature !' ':

" Very true ;" replied Flourish, " I enter into all the spirit of
your wishes ; and better late then never ! Fulsome adulation is
not required ; but yet, common justice should be done! lam
for a plain monument, after the manner of the one erected in St.
Pancras Church-yard, to an authoress of first rate abilities ; the
late Mary Woolsloncraft Godwin ; the more simple the better: —

HERE LIES

EDMUND KEAN, ESQ.

The above conversation was interrupted by a very spare, thin
looking man, a thread-paper sort of character, an author by pro-
fession bowing to the Old Citizen.

" My old friend, Mr. Launcelot Quarto*} I hope you are well,"
said Makemoney, " but what brought you here?"

" The loss of talent," replied Quarto, " and to mourn with sin-
cerity and silence over the grave of one of the most distinguish-
ed men that ever appeared on the English Stage ; but I have
been wandering about for some time, and cannot find any traces
of it ! That should not be ! It is true, a whole length statue has
beenerectedto thememory of the late Mr. Kean, in therotundaof
Drury Lane Theatre ; and reflects much credit on those persons,
who were the authors of it ; yet, nevertheless, I must insist, that
some token, a sort of finger post, should have been placed over
his ashes, that every passer by might heave a sigh to his
memory."

" That is my opinion," replied Makemoney, " but a monument
will yet be erected over his grave 1 have no doubt. I will lend
a helping hand towards it !"

" It was Mr. Kean's wish during his residence in the Isle of
Bute," said Quarto, " to have been interred under his favourite
oak tree."

342 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

" How, sir," asked Flourish, " are you aware of that circum-
stance?"

"In making a tour through Scotland, I visited the Banks of
the Clyde; and as a lover of genius under any circumstances, I
felt very anxious to see Woodland Cottage, the retreat of Shak-
speare's hero, where I obtained the above information. I made
several notes, upon every thing that came under my observation,
which I intend to publish, and am enabled to vouch for their
authenticity."

" I should very much like to peruse them," said Flourish,
" Have you them with you V

" I have/' replied Quarto, <( but perhaps the actor having
been dead for some time, you may not think the MS. attractive?"

" You are wrong there," observed Makemoney, " Every thing,
in my humble opinion, must be highly interesting respecting the
late Edmund Kean; therefore, if you have no objection, Quarto,
let us have the Manuscript to peruse without delay ?"

" I have not the slightest objection," answered Launcelot
Quarto, " and I also feel assured, that notwithstanding* your
great veneration for the Banks of the Thames, — the Clyde, with
its romantic scenery, will highly excite your attention." The
M.S. was immediately handed over to the Old Citizen.

The Pilgrims soon afterwards quitted Richmond Church-yard,
for a splendid repast at the Star and Garter Tavern, and over
their wine, Flourish entertained them with a perusal of the fol-
lowing sketch of Woodland Cottage :

MR. KEAN'S COTTAGE AT BUTE — A sail down the Clyde — its pic-
turesque scenery, romantic Situation — splendid Castles, Mountains,

Antiquities Port-Glasgow — Greenock — Rothsay — Argyleshire,

and also a visit to Kean's Cottage in the Isle of Bute — with a
description of the Grounds, House, Pictures, Library, Books, &c.,
with several original anecdotes, never before published, of the late
Edmund Kean, Esq., Charles Incledon, and Oxberry, connected
with the above subject.

Praising what is lost

Makes the remembrance more dear.

SHAKSPEARE.

To those persons who are fond of the picturesque, sublime, and romantic sce-
nery, united with a trip by water, let them take a sail down the River and Frith
of Clyde, from Glasgow ; and all their wishes will be gratified in the highest de-
gree. On both sides of the River, its banks possess an interest of the most im-
posing character, either on account of its delightful, pleasing, fertility : or, for
the appearance of wildness, terrific grandeur, and alpine sublimity.

We started from the Broomielaw, where steam vessels go to Liverpool, Belfast,
England, Ireland, Wales, and the Highlands ; Dumbarton, Port-Glasgow, Gree-
nock, &c., to give anything like a description of the numerous Gentlemen's
seats, Fortifications, Towns, Mountains, Watering-places, &c. which continually
attract the eye of the traveller, on his passage to the Isle of Bute, in which the
late Edmund Kean, Esq. selected his retreat, would require a volume, and

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 343

that of no small .dimensions — but it would be impossible not to notice one of the
most magnificent views in Scotland, on the right of Donaldson's Quay, compre-
hending a group of the beautiful scenery on the Clyde. Equally fine on passing
the ruinous fort of Dunglas. Of its remains, only a small round tower is seen,
with part of the wall, situated on a rock, on the water's edge, which has a vener-
able appearance, and heightens very much this part of the river ; the eastern as-
pect of the Rock of Dumbarton ; on the left, the coast of Renfrew, and the
towns of Port-Glasgow, and Greenock, their shipping, with the Peninsula of
Rosneath, and the lofty mountains of Argyleshire, form altogether one of the
most imposing prospects in North Britain.

Proceeding onwards, the view opens in the valley on the left, in which Loch-
Lomond lies. This view is also enriched by the mountain Ben Lomond in the
distance, and the neighbouring hills. Dumbarton Castle next appears — this fa-
mous rock was supposed, anciently, to have been a volcano — and considered to
have been by some writers as the Balclutha of OSSIAN : it is a huge bicapitated
rock, with nearly equal summits ; and was once a fortress of great strength, and
deemed almost impregnable. On the side next the river is seen the governor's
house, and barracks, with the lower and upper castles, anciently under different go-
vernors. It is still the residence of a garrison, and very much frequented by
travellers. Near the village of Renton, by its banks, is the old mansion-house
of Dulquhurn, in which was born Dr. TOBIAS SMOLLETT, the celebrated historian
novelist, and poet, who, in his delightful " Ode to Leveti Water," beautifully des-
cribes the characteristic charms of his native stream. A lofty column has been
erected to his memory.

Ardmore, distinguished by the name of the " Great Promontory" which is a
beautiful wooded peninsula, and very attractive by its running out a considerable
projection into the Frith. Newark Castle, a fine piece of antiquity, built in
1599, with a round tower near it. The castle appears much older; and it is viewed
as one of the most perfect buildings of its kind, in Scotland. It was once forti-
fied. From its situation and appearances it affords an admirable subject for
an artist.

Not far distant from Newark Castle is Port-Glasgow, a compact, well built
town, and a place of some importance ; it has an excellent dry dock, capable of
containing ships of 500 tons to be repaired. It has three excellent piers or quays ;
— and the harbour is safe and commodious, having about fifteen feet water at
ordinary tides. Ship-building is carried on here, and an extensive rope-work,
sugar-houses, &c.

About a mile from the above castle is seen, the town and harbour of Greenock,
which, in the 18th. century, only consisted of a row of thatched houses — but it
has increased so much in trade and population, that the inhabitants are calcu-
lated between twenty and thirty thousand. It contains many elegant houses.
In its two harbours, the east, and west, are several excellent commodious quays,
and a graving dock.

In 1812, a society was instituted for the encouragement of arts, and literature
and taste is said to be'much cultivated and cherished in Greenock — the Clyde
here, expands into a beautiful and extensive basin, formed by the different pro-
montories on the opposite coast of Dunbartonshire ; and the scenery on the op-
posite coast, particularly the lofty rugged mountains, called Argyle's Bowling
Green, (pait of the western extremity of the Grampians,) exceedingly grand and
romantic.

The village of Gourock is situated on one of the most beautiful bays in Scot-
land— hilly and mountainous, but extremely healthy ; and few places of equal
population, can boast equal instances of health and longevity ; the air of
Gourock is very beneficial in weaknesses of pulmonary complaints, and general
debility. The view of the shipping on the Clyde, continually passing it — with
its wherries and fishing-boats, renders it attractive.

Numerous other delightful situations might be pointed out before you arrive at
Rothsay, the capital of Bute : which is a place of great antiquity, and enfran-
chised in the year 1400, and was at that period a royal residence ; Rothsay,

344 TH& PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

the present day, is a well-frequented watering-place in the summer months. It
has an extensive hay, and several well-built houses ; but the princfpal object of
attraction and curiosity is, its very ancient Castle, and is frequently visited by
travellers of the highest rank in society. It originally consisted of a circular
court, one hundred and thirty eight feet in diameter, surrounded by a wall of
eight feet in thickness, and seventeen feet high, with battlements. The Court
was flanked by four towers, at nearly equal distances — the gateway was on the
north side, betwixt two of the towers, and the lower part of it is still to be shewn
in the vaults of the additional buildings ; the whole was cased with hewn stone,
and surrounded with a wet ditch of considerable breadth, and about fifteen feet
deep ; It was, however, considerably enlarged by King Robert II, who built a palace,
projecting from the ancient gateway into the ditch. About fifteen years since,
the Marquis of Bute directed the rubbish to be removed from its ruins ; in con-
sequence of which, the foundations of several buildings which were not known
before, and several curiosities were also discovered. The " Ivy-mantled " wall, ad-
ded to its great age, strongly interests the attention of the stranger. The island of
Bute also contains many other vestiges of antiquity, amongst which is a " hill fort."
The island extends from south-east to north-west, about eighteen miles, and about
five in breadth. The air, in general, is considered temperate, having neither the
violent heat of summer, nor the extreme cold of winter, as on the main land.
Fogs seldom affect Rothsay. The island belongs mostly to the Marquis of Bute,
who has an excellent seat at Mountstuart, situated on a delightful eminence, in
the middle of a wood. The climate from its equableness and purity, is said to be
rather favourable for persons afflicted with asthmas, and shortness of breath.
There are six lochs on the island ; but only three of considerable size ; and which
are full of perch, pike, and trout. The herring fishery has been a source of
great improvement to the town within the last few years : also a large cotton
manufactory contiguous to it ; indeed, Rothsay is viewed as a rising place.

On Friday the 17th of May, 1833, at one o'clock, the Inverary Castle, Steamer
put us on shore, near the Bute Arms, Rothsay, kept by Mr. D. M'Corkindale ; a
very splendid hotel, at which place we hired a noddy, and instantly set out for
Woodland Cottage, the late Mr. Kean's retreat, nearly three miles from Rothsay.
Perhaps it may be necessary to premise, that no person was]admitted to visit the
cottage, without obtaining a card of admission from M'Corkindale, or the appear-
ance of one of his vehicles at the gate ; the road to the cottage was of the most
rugged and jolting description, in fact, it could not be called a road : we passed
Rothsay Castle in our journey, and at length we arrived at the desired object of
our pursuit the Lodge, distant from the cottage about a quarter of a mile. Over
the gate, on the right side were placed the busts of Massinger, and Garrick ; and
upon the left were those of Kean and Shakspeare, all of them well executed ;
here we got out of the noddy, and accompanied by JOHN READ, the gardener,
porter, &c., walked towards the cottage, delighted with the situation and pros-
pects all around us ; but the female who had the care of it, had gone to Roth-
say for some provisions. In order to occupy our time till her return, we then
took a synopsis of the exterior of the building, which is only one story in height
and has nothing to recommend it to the notice of the visitor, in point of archi-
tecture, except its extreme simplicity; Mr. Kean, it appears, was his owir archi-
tect ; therefore style, or according to the rules of art, were entirely out of the
question, and, it should seem, all that he required was a comfortable dwelling.

The situation of WOODLAND COTTAGE, is of the most romantic description ;
in the front of it, a large green plat is seen gradually sloping to the margin
of Loch-Fadd — exhibiting a fine lake of water ; but it had no boat upon it — the
scenery all around the lake is enchanting and picturesque beyond communication ;
at the back of the cottage, stands a high hill covered with heather, and in beau-
tiful bloom. We ascended by a circuitous route to the top of it, or nearly so, on
which is situated the FOGG HOUSE ; this building is circular, and capable of
dining about a dozen persons ; it is, however, of the rudest description, but ne-
vertheless it may be said to be perfectly in keeping with the rest of the picture.
Here the spectator might almost say with Dr. Goldsmith . —

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 345

I sit me down a pensive hour to spend,
And placed on high, above the storm's career,
Look downward, where a hundred things appear ;
Lakes, forests, cities, plains, extending wide,
The pomp of Kings, the shepherd's humbler pride.

On the outside of the Fogg House the following words are to be seen ;

'TIS GLORIOUS THROUGH THE LOOP-HOLES
OF RETREAT— TO PEEP AT SUCH
A WORLD l

In the interior of which, was a seat made of branches from trees, and also a
small table, in the Fogg, (or Moss, as we term it in England,) in the roof, the coat
of arms looked conspicuous, adopted by Mr. Kean, (the crest of which, the
tragedian was at a loss to furnish, when Douglas Kinnard, Esq., suggested to
him the boar's head, from his immense smccess in Richard. The latter gentle-
man, is the godfather to Charles Kean.) Indeed, it was a glorious sight to
VIEW SUCH A WORLD from the glorious loop-holes of retreat at every point,
the prospect from the elevated situation of the Fogg House, was truly fascinat-
ing. Description of it, however faithful it might be given, would not, in the
slightest degree, convey the magnificence of the surrounding scenery to the
reader, indeed, it must be seen to realize the great beauties of the situation alto-
gether, something after the manner of Kean's beloved Shakspeare : —

The poet's eye in a fine frenzy rolling,

Doth glance from heav'n to earth, from earth to heav'n,

And as imagination bodies forth

The form of things unknown, the poet's pen,

Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing

A local habitation and a name !

We descended with reluctance, nay, with regret, to quit such a truly luxuriant,
picturesque view, and therefore, cast many a longing, lingering look behind. The
idea of the Fogg House, first originated with Charles Kean, but his father furnished
the words which appear outside of it. The female had now returned from Bute,
and was in waiting to showus over the cottage. Upon entering the hall, rather a
small one, a bust of Kean in Brutus, on a pedestal, presented itself to our notice ;
but, from its youthful appearance, it must have been taken several years since ;
however, it was a fine likeness of the great actor.

The cottage consists of nine rooms, two or three of which, on the ground-floor,
were nearly empty, and in a state of confusion. We then entered the library, a
mere parlour, and nothing to recommend it, as what might have been anticipated
from so great a reader as the late Mr. Kean. Here persons who were on inti-
mate terms with the actor, have frequently found him, when he wished for some-
thing like quietness, and to be at his ease, in bed, surrounded by piles of
books, not altogether unlike Dominie Sampson's predilection to obtain the works
of the learned pundits ; however, it did not portray the character of a LIBRARY
as to good taste. Indeed, the books were by no means numerous, the principal
part of which were secured by wires, and locked up in the bookcases, except a
few scattered on some shelves, of minor importance : yet, there were several very
valuable ones, folio editions of Shakspeare, presented by the Duke of Devonshire
to Mr. Kean. Two very large globes upon handsome mahogany stands, with
compasses underneath them, they were most certainly an embellishment to this
apartment.

Over the fire-place in the middle of it, was an engraved portrait of Lord
Essex ; his lordship, we believe, was at one period, a great admirer and patron
of Mr. K., also a whole length likeness of Kean in Brutus, and a portrait of
David Fisher as the son of Brutus, a very fine, well-know theatrical print, and
engraved at the great actor's expense, and merely made its way before the public

2 F

346 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

as gifts to his friends and acquaintances, Likewise portraits of his two sans
Hmvard and Charles. Howard died very young.

A whole length portrait, beautifully executed by the late Sir Thomas Law-
rence, of the late JohnKemble, in Hamlet, near tohichu was Garrick, io. Richard,
also a very small likeness of Kean, in Shy lock, Miss O'Neil in the character of
Juliet, and the late Mrs. Siddons, a well-known, remarkably fine engraving, as
Melpomne. A whole length engraved portrait of Curran, the barrister, of great
Irish popularity. A finely ornamented piece of writing of the speech made to
Mr. Kean, on the presentation of the gold cup by his brother and sister performers
of the Theatre Royal Drury Lane, with their signatures attached to it.

A veiy fine copy, an engraving of the face of Garrick ; but not one oil paint-
ing was there to be seen in the library. A few mahogany chairs, a table of
the same description, ink-stand, pens, &c., formed the whole of this apartment,
and very unlike what might naturally have been expected on entering the library
of so great an actor, and man of taste, as the late Mr. Kean.

We then ascended one flight of stairs to view the DRAWING ROOM, which,
most certainly, partook of the character of a magnificent apartment ; but its
appearance suffered a considerable drawback by the splendid carpet belonging
to it, not being down ; and also the windows were destitute of the elegant, rich,
and beautiful curtains, which were laid aside in one corner of the room. But the
animating prospects of NATURE, clothed in all the richest beauties of vegetation,
both in the front and rear of the cottage, left the other articles of ART, intended
as objects of attraction, completely in the back ground. The room is rather
lofty, the walls of which are covered with very handsome French paper, represent-
ing the Greek festivals, &c. A splendid looking-glass, over the fire-place, the
chairs very good, made of the finest mahogany, with tables to correspond. Two
very large mahogany boxes, handsomely shaped, one as a wine cooler, and the
other for tea and sugar ; also, an elegantly finished upright piano-forte. A
large mahogany stool upon castors ; several handsome bonnd volumes of music on
the shelves, and a few other miscellaneous books scattered about; on the piano-
forte there were three or four sheets of MS. music, composed for Mr. Kean,
when he attempted the admirable and versatile character of the highly famed
CRICHTON. A few curious and scarce stones in a glass case ; and also a most
beautiful model of the Alps. The drawing-room did not contain a single picture
of any description. A small boudoir attached to the above room, was quite empty,
the walls of which were covered with French paper, representing the Bay of
Naples, Mount Vesuvius, &c. The above boudoir, divided the drawing-room
from the sleeping apartment of the great actor. A very plain, but handsome,
mahogany four-post bedstead, the hangings of which were rich and splendid,
were lying on the bed, a plain chest of drawers, with mahogany chairs, compos-
ed this place of repose belonging to the inimitable representative of Othello.

The front parlour, on the right hand as you enter the hall, is also very plain,
but very handsomely furnished. Over the fire-place is a finely painted likeness ;
said, by the servant, to have been an uncle of Mr. Kean ; but from the striking
likeness it bore to him, it might be presumed to have been the portrait of his
father, the late Moses Kean, of highly talented abilities as a mimic and lecturer,
after the manner of the celebrstted George Alexander Stevens, indeed, the same
opinion, according to the servant, had been expressed by several theatrical visitors
to the cottage.

On the left hand side of the hall, in another parlour, stood a bedstead with a
bed upon it, the coverlid of which was a very large buffalo's skin, brought by Mr.
Kean from America. Also some swords and daggers : one of the swords was said
to contain poison at the end of it ; likewise, a terribly looking double pointed
dagger, capable of dealing out death at every thrust, but the hand of the assailant
was secured quite safe in the handle of it, and to have attempted to wrest it from
the grasp of any person who held it, must have been attended with the most
dangerous consequences. Here also, we discovered, upon the shelves of sn open
cupboard, the remains of a once perfect theatre, belonging to his son, Charles
Kean, composed of elephants, Turks, horses, &c., for his amusement as a child,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 347

since which period he has made such rapid strides towards attaining the high-
est situation of an actor, as to astonish the theatrical world. His animated re-
presentations of some of Shakspeare's characters ; are, in several instances, if not
equal to his great and unrivalled parent, very little inferior to him. At one period
of his life, the late Edmund Kean, Esq., publicly expressed his opinion that his
son had no talents for the stage to arrive above mediocrity ; but he lived long
enough, not only to alter that opinion, but also acknowledged that it had been
founded in error.

We then bid farewell to the HOUSE OF DEATH, (although the news had not
arrived of the mournful exit of Mr. Kean,) to take a last view of the fine OAK,
which the great actor often viewed with the highest feelings of delight : —

Absurd to think to over-reach the GRAVE,
And from the wreck of names to rescue ours;
The best concerted schemes men lay for fame,
Die fast away ; only themselves DIE faster.
The far-famed sculptor, and the laurel'd bard,
Those bold insurers of eternal fame,
Supply their little feeble aids in vain.

The above OAK, was said to be the finest in the island, twelve feet in circum-
ference, situated at the declivity of a hill, under which runs a quiet murmuring
stream of water. " Here" said the late Mr. Kean, pointing to the spot, to his
gardener, JOHN READ, with great firmness, " John Read, whenever I die, I should
like to be buried under this matchless Oak-tree; and I ask it of you as a promise,
that you ivill most sacredly keep, which is to watch the ground day and night for six
u-eeks after I am deposited under the Oak." The gardener, who appeared to us
to be rather an intelligent sort of man, thus replied to his master. " If I should
outlive you, sir. But pray do not talk of dying. However, if that painful
moment should arrive, you may depend on my word to watch with assistance, night
and day for six weeks, in fact I will never quit the oak, until NATURE is quite ex-
hausted."

On our making enquiries of John'Read, how Mr. Kean. spent his time at Bute.
He replied, " Principally, during the day time, he was out of doors, and very
fond of fishing : he would also, frequently dine at the very top of the hill, in the
Fogg House, contemplating the prospects and beauties of nature, which so delight-
fully presented themselves from this elevated spot, to his view: at other times, he
would take refreshment under the oak tree. Mr. Kean," he also observed, " ap-
peared to him, to be quite delighted with his retirement at Woodland Cottage ; that
he was, in every point of view, a most excellent, and kind-hearted master, scarce-
ly giving any thing like trouble] to those persons around him." John Read
told us, in Loch-Fadd, the stream of water before the house, contained great
quantities of fish, but principally perch and jack. He mentioned the names of Mr.
Beverly and his son, having visited Bute Cottage and the grounds, also SHERIDAN
KNOWLES, ESQ., likewise Mr. Francis Seymour, the well-known provincial
manager in Ireland, and also once the lessee of the celebrated theatre in Glasgow,
who was on terms of the greatest intimacy with Mr. Kean.

The gardener stated to us, that the summer of 1832, was quite a felank as
to visitors, which he thought was owing to the cholera in Bute, and that up to the
period we were engaged in conversation with him, (May 17, 1833,) scarcely any
person had solicited to see the retreat of Mr. Kean. John Read had lived in the
service of Mr. Kean, nearly eight years, he gathered some flowers for us out of
the grounds, and he likewise cut three small pieces off the OAK, (one of which I
gave to Mr. Duncan Shaw, of Greenock, who visited Woodland Cottage with me,)
to keep as a remembrance not only respecting our visit to Rothsay and the Oak
tree, under which Mr. Kean had often seated himself to view the distant prospect
of the fine country, and the luxuriant treat of his own grounds, but to the memory
of SHAKSPEARE'S HBRO !

It appeared, that Mr. Kean had not visited Bute for the last sixteen months.
In January, 1832, he passed ten days at Woodland Cottage, with great satisfac-

348 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

tion and apparent delight ; and he observed to those persons around him, that he
thought his health was materially improved by his remaining quiet ; his mind not
disturbed, he retired to rest early ; and that he also had the pleasure of asserting
in his retreat, that he had distanced disgraceful sycophants, and fulsome flatterers,
which men, like himself, were too often nauseated with in public life. The
female servant, an intelligent Scotch girl, likewise good-natured and civil in the
extreme, and who had lived in the service of Mr. Kean, for the last four years
and a half, spoke of her master with raptures — " That he was kind, very kind,
to every person about him, and upon his quitting Bute, he begged of her to have
the fastenings of the house and windows always strongly secured before she went
to rest : " I say so, (said this great master of the passions,) not merely on account
of the little property I may leave behind me, under your immediate care, but to
guard yourself against any ruffian, who might be tempted to ill-use a lonely
woman, and that a thief might also commit his depredations with a better chance
of success."

The gardener's lodge being at some distance from the house, and in conse-
quence of the feeling advice given her by her master, a fine large house dog was
immediately procured for her, as a protector. The servant maid told us, that she
never felt the slightest fear, neither did she apprehend any thing like danger, when
the above faithful creature of all other animals, slept at her door every night,
" But I am sorry to say," said she, "he died about ten days ago." She de-
scribed all the things in the house with clearness and perspicuity, very different
in manner and tone from the dull, stupid, monotonous way of those persons
whose business it is to describe the monuments in Westminster Abbey, or to give
an account of the pictures in Windsor Castle. Upon her being asked in what man-
ner Mr. Kean spent his time after having finished with his walks and other pur-
suits out of doors, she said, " Reading, at times ; but principally at the piano-
forte, and singing ; and that she could have listened to his delightful manner of
expressing the words of the various songs from morning until night, and never
have been tired. He was a most extraordinary man altogether ; and his manners
and mode of address were mildness to the very echo."

" Mrs. Kean," she said, " and her son Charles, lived in retirement for up-
wards of twelve-months, at Bute."

The JEWESS, so designated by the friends of the late Mr. Kean, and to whom
the great actor unfortunately, not to say unhappily for himself and family, resid-
ed with him at Woodland Cottage for six weeks. The servant urged that the
JEWESS was very attentive, and kind to him in every respect, and administered
all those little comforts, which Mr. Kean stood so much in need of, duung the
last few years of his existence ; but ultimately, he paid very dearly for this sort of
pretended feeling towards him, and according to report, she had wheedled (if not
insisted) from Mr. Kean whilst at Bute, to satisfy some pressing demand she had
to discharge ; had obtained from him the sum of four hundred pounds ; and
at another period, very soon afterwards, the unsuspecting disposition of this
" Great Creature," the man of all others, who might have been expected from
his fine display and illustrations of the various passions of human nature, inca
pable of being deceived by the mysteries and duplicities of mankind, advanced,
without the least hesitation, another five hundred pounds. He was so much
infatuated with this woman, it is said, and so perfectly under her control, that he
could not refuse her any demand from first to last — the sum of three thousand
pounds would not pay for all the money he had lavished upon an ungrateful
woman ; —

Women are ever masters when Jhey please,
And. cozen with their kindness: they have spells
Superior to the wand of the magician.

We now took our departure, often'turning round to take a last look at the cot-
tage and grounds, with the melancholy reflection pressing on our minds, that the
arrival of the next post would bring an account of the decease of one of the
greatest actors in the history of the Stage, until we arrived at the porter's lodge,

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 349

to exclude us altogether from Mr. Kean's retreat at Bute. We immediately
retraced our jolting journey to the Bute Arms, and had a different, but another
very fine view of Rothsay Castle, and sat down to a most excellent dinner, and a
capital glass of wine. Previous to our dinner, our worthy host, Mr. M'Corkin-
dale behaved to us in the most polite manner, and shewed us the splendid gold
cup, rather a large one, and given to Mr. Kean in the year 1816, by the per-
formers of Drury Lane Theatre, with all the names of the subscribers engraved
upon it.

Also the Mosaic, richly-worked gold box, representing a boar fight, which had
been presented to Mr. Kean by the late Lord Byron, on account of the great
actorVunrivalled illustrations of the characters of Shakspeare. This box, it was
well known, Kean valued as the highest gift in the whole of his truly splendid
presents. "When I received it from his lordship," said he, "I considered the
circumstance, not only as one of the proudest moments of my chequer'd life,
but the most gratifying to my feelings during my theatrical career. My highest
hopes of ambition never amounted to this — such a compliment from so illustrious
a character in the wide field of literature, and one of the greatest poets of the
age — an immense judge of human nature in all its bearings — rewards me more,
much more, for all the ills and ' proud contumely' I have met with in the early
part of my life. To the last moment of my existence, this invaluable present, not
for the splendid display of workmanship and talents on the box, or its weight in
gold — but I shall cherish it with delight, as a grateful remembrance of its most
enlightened author."

We likewise saw a very richly worked gold box with numerous figures upon
the outside of it. In the inside was engraved, — "The gift of D. Bingham, Esq.,
of Montreal, a most sincere friend, and ardent admirer of Mr. Kean ; for his unri-
valled performances in the characters of Shakspeare." The workmanship and
taste of the above gold box, are of the most exquisite description.

Also a gold medal, characteristically ornamented, representing the Western
Philanthropic Institution, given to Mr. Kean for his noble and disinterested
exertions, to promote the views of the above noble and humane institution.

A Silver Bible, to which was suspended a silver key, on a blue ribbon ; engraved
on the back of the bible appears — " Lodffe,240, Waterford." The above lodge made
it a present to Mr. Kean. This present was the only article which came ashore from
the wreck of a very large vessel.

The gold box we likewise saw, which had been presented to him by the mem-
bers of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, during their short stay at the English
Opera House, when the former Theatre had a very narrow escape from being
destroyed, by an escape of the gas. Mr. Kean, with the utmost liberality of
disposition, performed a few nights, GRATIS — in aid of the salaries of his dis-
tressed brother actors.

All the above presents were deposited under the immediate care of Mr.
M'Corkindale ; for whom, it appears, Mr. Kean had a very sincere regard, and
long established in his confidence. Mr. M'Corkindale, during the absence of
Mr. Kean, managed the whole of the affairs connected with Woodland Cottage.
Our worthy host shewed us Pierce Egan's Panorama of the Sporting World, in
which appeared the following autograph — " The gift of Edmund Kean, to his
friend, D. Corkindale, July, 1829 — Greenoclc.

At five o'clock we left Rothsay, in the Rob Roy steamer, on our return to
Greenock, and which proved a trip of the most delightful description — the pros-
pects on both sides of the Clyde were really enchanting — the lofty Ben Lomond
Dumbarton — Argyleshire — and a view of the mountains in which ROB ROY once
dwelt. We landed at Greenock at seven o'clock; but had scarcely entered Mr.
Shaw's house, when we were made acquainted with the death of Mr. Kean by
the arrival of the Post. Therefore, we may assert, we were the last persons who
paid a visit to the cottage of Mr. Kean at Bute. — "Sic transit gloria Mundi!"
This Cottage, it appears, was put up for sale in Glasgow, on May 1, 1834, by
auction, at the Buck's Head, A rgyle Street, by George Robins, but the " King's
name was not a tower of strength" in this instance — and the recollection, or the

350 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

mention of the splendid talents of the departed hero. Mr. Kean, who had nightly
filled the Theatre Royal in this ancient city, and where his son (CHARLES, the
successful representative of his father's characters) first met together, (as ac-
tors) and performed in the tragedy of Brutus to overwhelming applause, had not
the slightest effect upon the minds of the bidders — who seemed like men without
spirit, and cold as ice, as to any offerings for this most delightful retreat of a per-
former, whose like we shall not, for many a day, perhaps see again ; and fulfilling the
melancholy truth, observed by the late brilliant, witty, and inimitable Richard
Brinsley Sheridan, Esq.

" The ACTOR only shrinks from Time's award:
Feeble tradition is his memory's guard ;
By whose faint breath his merits must subside,
Unvouch'd by proof — to SUBSTANCE unallied!"

In spite of all the oratorical abilities of the auctioneer, to excite some liberal
feelings in honor of the "mighty dead" a long tine elapsed before five hundred
pounds was offered for Woodland Cottage, which, at the least farthing, cost six
thousand pounds, independent of the value attached to it, as the residence of
the late Mr. Kean. After great exertion had been made to procure something
like a bidding, it was knocked down for one thousand and fifty pounds to a Mr.
Railton, a writer of the Signet; or rather, it is said, "bought in" by that
gentleman : —

" Out, out brief candle 1
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour on the stage —
And then is heard no more; It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying NOTHING ! ! 1"

This satire is not only extremely biting to the utmost extent, but the truth of
it does not admit of the the slightest doubt — and all actors must feel the severity
acutely indeed, as to their peculiar traits being handed down, or impressed on
the minds of posterity. The late JOHN KEMBLE, the greatest Roman of them
all : MRS. SIDDONS, who positively stood alone on the stage ; and GEORGE FRE-
DERICK COOKE, nature personified in the most animated style of excellence.
LEWIS, the gossamer of his time, and rich as gold in the representations of
Goldfinch, Tom Shuffleton, Squire Tally-ho, &c. Irish JOHNSTONE, without
compare, in Sir Lucius o'Trigger, Dennis Brulgruddery, Looney M'Twolter, &c.
QUICK'S Little Isaac, and Old Cockletop. The blank which MUNDEN has left
is, Old Dornton, Crack, Dosey, &c. EDWIN'S Jemmy Jumps, Lingo, &c.
Mrs. JORDAN'S Nell, Country-Girl, Little Pickle, &c. ELLISTON'S Rover,
Duke Aranza, Three Singles, Mercutio, and a lover, that every actress seemed
positively to feel in reality that her lover was at her feet — have ALL, within a
few fleeting years, made their exits, and " gone to that bourne, from whence no
traveller returns." Therefore, except those persons who can remember their
greatness — relate the manner — speak of their unrivalled excellence, and tell their
sons or relatives about their peculiar styles of acting — they are almost forgotten
by the public in general ; and it is that sort of taste so difficult, if it can be at
all communicated, so as to convey a lasting and accurate portrait of an actor for
the amusement of the rising generation. JACK BANNISTER, once so truly cele-
brated, and deservedly so, as an actor ; and FAWCETT, equally brilliant as a
performer of the very first class, both since dead, but whose names are
scarcely ever mentioned — and KEAN, who saved Drury Lane Theatre from
ruin, and SHAKSPEARE'S hero, to all intents and purposes, has scarcely been in-
terred four years — (" Die, two months ago, and not forgotten yet! Then there's
hope ; a great man's memory may outlive his life, half a year ; but by'r lady, he
must build churches then.") and his memory, and great talents, it should seem,
generally speaking, are almost consigned to OBLIVION.

IN SEARCH OF TH NATIONAL. 351

To the lovers of retirement — Woodland Cottage, is the very reality of the thing,
and might be viewed almost as a sort of Paradise on earth ; the poet might have
dwelt upon its beauties again and again ; and still have found fresh subjects for
the exercise of his pen : —

The statesman, lawyer, merchant, man of trade,

Pants for the refuge of some rural shade,

Where all his long anxieties forgot —

Amid the charms of a sequester'd spot;

Or, recollected only to gild o'er,

And add a smile, to what was sweet before.

We understand, and that from excellent authority, that the idea of having a
cottage on the banks of the Clyde, or contiguous to it, first originated with Mr.
Kean, whilst he was performing a round of his characters at the rising and im-
proving town ofGreenock, then under the management of Mr. Francis Seymour.
During one of his aquatic trips on the Clyde, to enjoy its romantic scenery, he
landed at Rothsay, and fixed on a spot of ground in the Isle of Bute, which took
his fancy, with great delight ; an application was immediately made to the Mar-
quis of Bute, to erect a cottage, and inclose the grounds as a park, about thirteen
acres in extent, as a retreat and personal residence for Mr. Kean. The request
was granted without delay, and on the most liberal terms, by the noble Peer, out
of respect for the unrivalled talents of the great actor. Be that as it may. But it
appears that Woodland Cottage was erected for other purposes besides being a
splendid retreat for Mr Kean, in an economical point of view, also renovated his
health, and kept him out of the temptations and dissipation which he was continu-
ally exposed to in the Metropolis. From its contiguity to Glasgow, not more than
six hours sailfrom Bute ; also, in ten hours Mr. Kean could have arrived in Edin-
burgh, in a day and a half he might have acted at Aberdeen, from thence, in TWO
days, he could have appeared either at Liverpool, or Manchester, and from
the former town, in twelve hours, he conld have reached Dublin. From the capi-
tal of Ireland, a day's ride would have brought him to Limerick, Waterford, Cork,
Belfast, &c., and from the sums he nightly received from managers, his income
would have realized three tJwusand pounds per annum, the whole of which thea-
tres would not have occupied his time above three months in the year, leaving the
other nine for his most perfect enjoyment in his cottage at Bute.

We are assured that the above plan was first proposed to Mr. Kean by his
friend, Seymour, at a moment, when the great actor, full of disgust, had expressed
himself full of anger and regret, that after all his great exertions — lucrative pro-
vincial engagements — he was not able to meet hjs expenditure in London ; in-
deed, so readily did Mr. Kean enter into this plan, that he signed an agreement,
for three years, with Mr. Seymour, for the sum of Ten thousand pounds. Mr.
Seymour to procure the engagements — pay coach hire, &c., and to risk the loss,
or obtain the profit of such a speculation ; but owing to the illness of Mrs. Sey-
mour, the agreement was cancelled.

The temptations of London, most certainly are, and must have been, very
great and seducing — nay, expensive, if not injurious, to the health of a man of
splendid talents like the late Mr. Kean. Where is the individual, a lover of the
drama, who might not have been proud to have spent an evening in the com-
pany of so delightful an actor? But it should seem, Mr. Kean was not fond of
the company of great folks, that is to say — " Titled personages !" there was an
etiquette due to them, from their rank in society, which might have operated as
a kind of reserve upon his general character and habits — the freedom of expres-
sion— something like a man being "ill at his ease;" or, rather in accordance
with the notions expressed by the late Charles Incledon, respecting the company
of " GREAT FOLKS." " My dear boy," said he, to one of his old and favourite
cronies, to whom he could unbosom himself without the slighest hesitation —
"you know, great folks are great folks — and they will be great folks ! They
eat like great folks, they talk like great folks — they dress like great folks, and
they sing — no, no by G — there Charles Incledon has the pull; he is one of the

352 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

great folks — you are aware, as being the first English singer in the world. Yes,
Charles is great in that instance, you will admit ; but I have always found the
P.Q's, to me, the two most difficult letters in the alphabet to acquire, to render
myself quite at home with the great folks. You know, my dear boy, that an
early rehearsal in life is necesary, to become perfect to a letter — and I would not.
play a part, for the best manager in the kingdom, without a rehearsal. There-
fore, as I never had a rehearsal on the P.Q. system, I must require the assistance
of a Prompter at some time for " the word," and I should not like to appear
imperfect, even in the character of a walking gentleman ; I only find myself at
ease, in the company of great folks, when I am singing at the Theatre, and they
are seated in the boxes. You know, my dear boy, I love the great folks in their
proper places — and I do not think my friend, Mr. Devonshire — no, no — I am
out — I want the word — I mean his Grace vhe Duke of Devonshire, an honor to
the cloth, could have given a better definition of the great folks than Charles
Incledon, the first English singer has done ; no, nor half so well explained by
any of the black-lettered fraternity, either in, or out of Paternoster Row, or the
British Museum into the bargain, I admire the word great, my dear boy ; there
is substance attached to the thing — I like to be the great singer ; to have a great
house — a great cash account ; a great number of friends ; great Provincial en-
gagements— and a. great creature in my way of expression. Also, to experience
great ease — great luck — to be great in little things, and great before the public ;
that's the greatness, my dear boy, next to Charles Incledon's heart, the first En-
glish singer on the stage ; therefore, being of a little consequence any where else,
to me, does not signify a brass farthing. And last of all, my dear boy, you know
that I never had a foul mouth in the course of my life ; and it has been said, that
some of the sweetest notes have escaped from my lips, the first English singer of
the day, that has beaten all the foreign trumpery of squallers and Jews to u
stand still — and that's what I call being GREAT. Now, my dear boy, if you
wish to know any more about the " GREAT FOLKS," you must look for them in
Debrett's Peerage." How far this view of visiting " Great Folks" coincided with
the opinions of the late Mr. Kean, we are not exactly aware ; but in the company
of his brother actors, we have found him one of the most liberal men alive, and
very loud in the praise of some of the Performers he had met with in the course
of his different engagements in the country.

Dining one day with him at Billy Oxberry's, mine host of the Craven's Head,
in Drury Lane, after the cloth had been removed, and ' Non nobis domine,' had
been given with a spirit and harmonious effect, that would have made the mem-
bers of the Philharmonics to have opened their ears with raptures, and the fine bass
voice of George Smith had completely filled the room, with his song of the
' Wolf,' never excelled, and we have some doubts if it was ever rivalled, Mr. Keaa
gave the health of Mr. Bengough, (a respectable, pleasing, but who had never ob-
tained the appellation of a great actor ; yet, nevertheless, he had strutted and
fretted his hour on the boards of Drury Lane Theatre, for some seasons, but,
ultimately, finished his career at the Coburg Theatre,) and in doing it, he pre-
faced the toast with the following observations, " I rise," said he, " to propose
the health of my friend, Mr. Bengough, not only as a most worthy private cha-
racter, but an excellent actor, and if I have derived any public fame for the per-
sonification of Othello, I thus publicly declare, that the knowledge of acting it, I
derived from the brilliant efforts, I witnessed in the representation of Shakspeare's
Moor of Venice, by Mr. Bengough.' The above toast was drank with enthusiasm
during the absence of Mr. Bengough, but on his return to the table it was men-
tioned to him, the high panegynic which Mr. Kean had pronounced on his acting
the part of Othello, when the immortal actor again rose^and repeated eyery word
with the greatest animation, and also to the delight of the company present.

I have, on several other occasions, heard him speak in the highest terms of
other performers ; the late Mr. Ellistoriwas decidedly a great favourite of Mr. Kean,
and to use his own words, he styled Mr E. "a most brilliant actor !" The late
Mr. William Oxberry, as a comedian, also stood very high in the opinion of Mr.
Kean, and that his praises should not be considered emptyones, he presented

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 353

Oxberry with a very valuable gold ring, as a testimony of his preference and regard .
Whenever the impulse offered itself, Oxberry's parlour, (so designated, although
a room on the first floor,) Mr. Kean popped in, as it were on {the sly, when the
table was completely covered with punch, three bowls being his first order. He was
extremely liberal to all the actors round him, and numerous instances might be re-
lated of bis generosity and feeling to country actors, could time, or space, permit
their insertion. Yet, notwithstanding the above little sort of ' break-outs /'twe be-
lieve, on only one instance, did he absent himself from his duty, and then it was
owing to a mistake about a stage coach leaving the town he was dining at for London.
Every person was eager to obtain the patronage of Mr. Kean ; indeed, at that
time, his name was a tower of strength, and his residence, and the theatre were
assailed with notes, letters, messages, and petitions, from morning till ni3ht, from
persons of the first consequence in society, down to the veriest intruders and
pretenders, and duped without end under the garb of charity. It is true, he was
rather fond of what is termed ' a bit of life 1' and to be met with frequently at the
sporting dinners of Tom Cribb, and Belcher's, the first three or four seasons
after he became the ' great creature ' in London : he had a penchant for the
fancy ; and those who were loud in their applause to see the abilities he display-
ed, nay, superior excellence, in FENCING, will have no doubt, that he could make
a good and scientific hit with the gloves. He was a frequenter of the old rooms
in Bond Street, when kept by Mr. Jackson, for the tuition of self-defence, on one
day, and on the other, by Henry Angelo, Esq., for fencing.

I well remember at Belcher's one night, to have heard Mr. Kean call upon
the late Joey Munden for a flash song. The latter unrivalled actor, made up
one of his comical faces, and rolled about his expressive eyes with such an irresist-
able effect, that the whole company were immediately on the titter, when he began
the well-known chaunt of ' NIBB'S POUND !' one of the old school of slang, be-
longing to the times of Johnathan Wild. I also heard Mr. Kean sing two or
three charming duets with the late Jem Barnard, a great companion, at that
period, of Mr. K's., but who, from dissipation and extravagance, lost his mind,
his situation at the theatres, became the object of contempt and derision, and
was utterly reduced to beggary before his death.

OXBERRY'S room, on some evenings, was a great treat to the visitor. Reporters
were to be met with, literary men, actors, both town and country, and authors,
singers, &c., were to be found, rubbing against each other over their cigars and
grog ; theatrical subjects were generally the order of the day ; but politics have
been debated here with 'almost as much vigour and talent, possessing some*
thing like the reality of the House of Commons. Mine host was truly a host in
himself, and take him for ' all in all,' he was a brilliant of the first water, his
tales and anecdotes claimed profound attention ; in fact he made them a sort of
DRAMA, and suited the action to the word ; he possessed the art of magnifying
a mole into a mountain ; nothing fell dead from his lips, there was no still life
about his composition. His face seconded his efforts, he was likewise well-read,
possessed also good tact as a compiler, could write off a short paragraph with
good point, and he had the nous to hit off two or three successful melo-dramas.
His edition of plays were much admired, and his likeness of actors the best pub-
lished. His coffee room deserved the appellation of a portrait gallery, he was a
great lover of the arts, and fond of paintings. He was a printer by profession,
and a great hero, at one time amongst the private theatricals, from which the re-
nowned showman, Richardson, extracted him, to become a more public charac-
ter ; he then, to use his own words, experienced all the vicissitudes attached to the
life of a strolling player, up one day, and down the next, a smoking joint, some-
times to be seen at the commencement of the week, and then only smelling a
dinner as he might chance to pass a cook-shop ; but he never lost his spirits, or
pined at his fate, on the contrary, if hunger teazed him at times, his wit sharpen-
ed on it, and he was always on the qui vive to improve his circumstances. The
' good time ' came at last, when he bade adieu to strolling, vagabondizing, gaff-
ing, &c., he also took his leave of an empty cupboard, and farewell to swallowing,
daily, pages of the drama, called ' fresh study,' and candle ends avaunt J The trea-

3 F

354 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES.

sury was now regularly open to give him fresh supplies, full salaries always paid
and Billy Oxberry himself again I In addition to which, he was a master printer,
and sent out his own works to the world, a member of the Theatre Royal Drury
Lane, and mine host at the Craven's Head, all happiness ! But, just as he had
established himself in all the above points, and beginning to make his way, the
' Grim King of Terrors ' entered his domus on the sly, as if he had had a pique
against the laughing comedian, and floored him at a single hit, to the great loss
and lamentations of his numerous friends, at his unexpected and premature exit 1
It is thus the late Tom Greenwood, the celebrated scene painter, described
him : —

Quite pleased so snug a shop to know,

Where he could stop and take a Go I

But ere he from the house retired,

The landlord's name, below, inquired;

"'Tis OXBERRY," said the man, and bow'd ;

The Frenchman stared, then roar'd aloud,

" He's of de dairy, de large pan,

PRINTER, Poet, Player, and Publican !"

As a convincing proof that the late Mr. Kean, possessed a great deal of libera-
lity of mind, as well as setting no value upon money, during his visit to the lakes
of Killarney, in company with Mr. Seymour, the manager, and two other per-
sons, the whole of the party, not exceeding four individuals ; his tavern expences,
boats, and boatmen, band of music, &c., the time of his stay altogether not ex-
ceeding a week, amounted to nearly, if not quite, seventy pounds ! The Irish
manager advised Mr. Kean to look over the items of the bill, as he thought some
mistake might have occurred, the sum being very large , and not to becompletely
satisfied, as a matter of course, with the sum total of the bill. " No, no," said
Mr. Kean, " I will not examine the contents of it, the landlord, according to re-
report, is a good, honest fellow, one of the right sort of men. I have been de-
lighted with the attention I have received, and the comforts I have had at the
Inn ; indeed, so much so, that I am perfectly satisfied with the account. I am
well aware such trips are expensive, but they are not every day sort of things, and
we must pay for superior accommodation every where. Remember, Frank Sey-
mour, we are a long way from London, also, a great distance from Dublin, and
when I have been near the Metropolis of England — Epsom Races, I have been
made to pay for accommodation there ; therefore, I will not grumble at the sum
I have paid for visiting the Lakes of Killarney ; to witness scenes unrivalled, and
to hear an ECHO, that is worth double the sum it has cost me. I would not have
missed the glorious sight — seeing what I have seen, for treble the money, for it is
my opinion, there is no comparison between the enjoyment of intellectual plea-
sure, and amassing a large pile of cash. I am obliged to you, Seymour, for
your attention towards me ; but depend upon it, the expenses at the Lakes of
Killarney, is not one of the worst errors I have committed in my lifejrespecting
the cash account, and I again repeat I have no regret about it, and we will leave
the landlord to enjoy the fruits of his labour."

During the short stay of Mr. Kean at Greenock, one night, after the perform-
ances at the theatre were over, and rather late in the evening, spending an hour
or two at a tavern, in a very jovial manner, and feats of agility being the argu-
ment amongst the party, all of them boasting in turn of the leaps they had made,
when Kean, seeing the window open, and by way of silencing the ' great doings,'
observed, " When I used to act the part of Harlequin, I have taken a far greater
jump than that which now presents itself," (without looking at the height, and re-
gardless of the danger, a row of iron rails being beneath the window,) " Impos-
sible !" was the general cry, when to their utter astonishment, out Kean leaped,
and it was supposed that he had fallen on the ground, and must have hurt him-
self. The company immediately left the room, and it being a corner house, and
the part alluded to, at the back part of it ; but to their great surprise, Kean was
not to be found. They returned to the room conversing on the strangeness of

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 355

the affair, and a variety of conjectures were formed as to the result. However,
Mr. Kean did not make his appearance, and the company left the tavern for
their homes. It appeared afterwards that Mr. Kean had received a violent fall in
his flight from the window, which had shook him to the very centre, and in
the moment, he scrambled himself together, as well as ^he could, and strolled
about he knew not whither. A poor old fisherman, who lived on one of the flats,
in a house at no great distance, was awoke out of his sleep by a person groaning
and full of pain, at the door of his apartment, where Mr. Kean had crawled to ;
the poor old fisherman got out of bed, struck a light, and found the great actor
perfectly insensible : although he did not know the value and consequence of his
guest, yet, like the good Samaritan, if he did not pour oil into his wounds, he
dressed himself, and placed the object of his commiseration in his stead, some-
thing like a bed, watching over him with all the care and kindness of the most
attentive friend. After Mr. Kean had been asleep for about three or four hours,
he started up, as if from a trance, and seeing the poor old fisherman's head deco-
rated with a cap, then looking at the miserable state of the room, also at the rags
and old pieces of sail made up for a bed, something after the manner of the
affrighted Hamlet at the appearance of the ghost, addressing the old veteran with
his eyes darting fire : —

Angels and ministers of grace
Be thou a spirit of health,
Or goblin

" Puir body," answered the fisherman, in a tremulous tone ; " compose your-
self— compose yourself 1 you dinna ken where you are. I am no speerit, but
poor old Sandy Pike, the fisherman, at your bidding!" "Do not mock me,
sir," (answered Kean, in a state of confusion, and theatrical sort of rage,) " but
tell me where I am, and how I came here, undressed in this beggarly, wretched
apartment?" "Puir body," said old Sandy Pike, " I dinna ken that circum-
stance All I know is, that I found you insensible at my door-step, quite foued,
when I put you into my bed, and I hope you are now much better, for you were,
puir body, in a pitiable plight when I took you in." Kean looking at him, with a
sort of expression, which, perhaps, no other man living could have done so much
with his eyes, exclaimed, in a tone of gratitude, that penetrated the very soul of
the old fisherman — " Kind creature ! disinterested old man! worthy soul! and
you did not know me?" " I dinna ken," replied the old fisherman, " that I
ever saw you before, puir body, wfth my e'en 1" " Know then, good old man,
that my name is Kean, the actor," said the leaper. " Kean, the great mon,"
exclaimed the fisherman, surprised beyond description, "you ! that I saw in King
Richard, last night. I had heard of your great abilities and fame, and I could
not resist the opportunity of going to the play-house. But do not deceive me!"
Kean a little more composed, felt for his pocket book, and gave the old fisherman
a five -pound Bank of England note, at the same time telling him to go to the
Inn, and bring back with him a post-chaise with the blinds up, and not to men-
tion to any person who had ordered the carriage. " I will never part with this
bank bill," replied the old fisherman, overjoyed with the honour of having such
a guest, " come what may, but treasure it up on account of the abilities of its once
great owner." Sandy soon returned with the post-chaise, but during the short
interval, Kean roused himself as well as he could, then grasping the hand of the
old fisherman, and thanking him, a thousand times, for his humanity, darted like
lightning into the post-chaise, and very soon afterwards was in bed at his own
lodgings. He receivedno other hurt but a few bruises, which, after a day or two's
care, he resumed his professional duties, laughing heartily at the circumstance,
observing I forgot the old adage — 'to look before you leap!' also gratefully
praising the Samaritan like feeling and conduct of old Sandy Pike, the Greenock
fisherman !

During his stay at Woodland Cottage, his secretary, Mr. Phillips, left him,
thinking it incompatible with his idea of respectabili ty, and also at variance with
the rules of propriety, to remain any longer under the same roof with the JEWESS

356 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

he, therefore, wrote the great, little man a letter, excellent in point of composi-
tion, on the subject, a sort of moral sermon, and recommending Mr. Kean to
give up the lady in question, and to turn aside from his ERRORS. He jeceived
the letter in good part, and read it over two or ?three times, smilingly, said to
Seymour, who was then with him on a visit, " This is well done, and kind of the
old boy, there is something like real friendship about it, and I cannot quarrel
with his intentions ; but, I believe, it is generally understood that we are born
in ERROR, live in ERROR, and, I am sadly afraid, there are too many of us who
die in ERROR ! But no more of that — we have other fish to fry at present, and
let us proceed with the business at issue."

The' following sort of remembrance, by way of EPITAPH, is inserted here,
that the proprietor may insert it under the leaves of the Oak Tree, at Woodland
Cottage , if he thinks proper : —

IN ONE OF THE MOST SEdUESTERED,
YET TRULY DELIGHTFUL, ROMANTIC SPOTS IN THE

ISLE OF BUTE ;

AND FAR REMOVED FROM THE BUSY HUM OF THE GREAT WORLD,

HERE LIES— (OR, MIGHT HAVE LAIN,)

EDMUND KEAN, ESQ.,

WHO DIED AT THE PREMATURE AGE OF FORTY-FIVE YEARS,
ON WEDNESDAY, MAY 16, 1833, AT

RICHMOND, IN SURRY.
NO "WORDS CAN BE MORE APPLICABLE TO THE MEMORY OP THIS

MOST DISTINGUISHED

ACTOR ON THE ENGLISH STAGE, THAN THOSE FROM OUR IMMORTAL BARD f
WHOSE VERY SOUL HE SEEMED TO INHERIT BY CONCEPTION;

BUT WHOSE IDENTITY OF CHARACTER AND ILLUSTRATIONS OF

SHAKSPEARE,

RENDERED HIM UNEQUALLED, UNRIVALLED, AND WITH.OUT A COMPETITOR :
THEREFORE, TAKE HIM FOR " ALL IN ALL," WE SHALL NOT

LOOK UPON HIS LIKE AGAIN!

IT IS A TRUE RECORD OF THE MOVEMENTS OF THIS GREAT ACTOR IN HI»

BUSY CAREER THROUGH SOCIETY : AND THOUGH WITH SINCERE REGRET

FORM MANY ERRORS, WE ARE LED TO

EXCLAIM

ALAS ! POOR HUMAN NATURE \

YET, NEVERTHELESS,

HE WAS A MAN FOR A' AND A* THAT J

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL. 357

CHAPTER XVI.

The PILGRIMS anxious to visit the SOURCE of the THAMES ;
one of the most important features in their Pilgrimage :
also to follow the STREAM to the finish of it. The NORE
— explanation and authorities upon the subject. A trip to
Gloucestershire ; friendly reception at Fox-hunter's Hall.
SIR HENRY TALLY-HO, Bart., a choice spirit, one of the
Olden Times: TURF, FLOURISH, and SPRIGHTLY, quite
at home ; —

A southerly wind, and a clomdy sky,

Proclaims a hunting morning :
Before the sun peeps we'll briskly fly,

Sleep and a downy bed scorning.
Away, my boys, to horse away,

The chase admits of no delay,
Now on horseback we've got —

MAKEMONEY, in a new character, a second JOHNNY
GILPIN, who went faster and further than he intended —
(but a miss is as good as a mile,) — and, the Old Citizen,
none the worse for his unexpected gallop ! Outline of an
Oxford Scholar. Unlocked for incidents. The old Citizen
sporting a toe. Sketch of an accomplished thief, fyc.

" WE ought to see the Source of the THAMES, or else our Pil-
grimage will not be complete/' said Makemoney, " the trip,,
both by land and water, will afford us great variety of scenes ?
and T am quite sure that distance is of no consequence to my
brother Pilgrims, so that the trip is attended with pleasure and
profit."

" Distance, my dear friend/* replied Turf, " is quite out of
consideration with me at any time ; and if Jerusalem, or Jericho,
were named, I should not demur ! So let us be off !"

"Nor I," said Flourish, " under a good leader, I would march
to the end of the world; and never acknowledge that I felt
tired. But surely Gloucestershire cannot be termed a great dis-
tance from the Metropolis ?"

" A fig for distance/' said Sprightly, " either rowing, sailing,
turf, or turnpike, I am ready, only mention the place, my dear
uncle, and you will find us jolly Pilgrims on the alert."

"Gloucestershire, I think, is the spot," said Makemoney?

358 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

" but I know that Wiltshire clalmes the honour of it also.
However, I am not historian enough, or scholar, to decide the
question ; but I have read, that from an infant spring, near
Cricklade, not far from Malmesbury, denominated THAMES
HEAD ! is the source from whence the mighty river springs : —

First the fam'd authors of his ancient name,
The winding Isis, and the fruitful THAME ;
The Kennet swift, for silver eels renown'd,
The Loddon slow, with verdant alders crown'd ;
Cole, whose dark streams his flow'ry island lave,
And chalky Wey, that rolls a milky wave ;
The blue, transparent Vandalis appears,
The gulphy Lee, his sedgy tresses rears ;
And sullen Mole, that hides his diving flood,
And silent Darent, stained with Danish blood !

" I understand," replied Turf, '« in a place called Trewsbury
Meadow, in the confines of Gloucestershire, called THAMES, or
Isis Head, the spring tumbles forth in a confined vale, from a
layer of loose, or flat stones, through Oxford, Henley, Maiden-
head, Windsor, Eton, Richmond, down to the Nore. The defi-
nition of the word Thames is not ^necessary for us Pilgrims to
enquire into ?"

" Not at all/' answered Flourish, " it has occupied the time
and pens of some of our greatest writers, both in ancient and
modern times. Holinshed, ;Stowe, Speed, Pope, &c. It is
quite sufficient to our purpose to understand that however
Gloucester may claim the honour of the SOURCE of the Thames,
it first becomes navigable in Wiltshire. It is, I am told, 240
miles in length; 188 of which are (navigable, when it joins the
Medway. The latter river, it is said, embraces the sea. There-
fore, I think, let us begin at the Source, and follow it until we
come to the NORE. Let us finish all well !''

" Nothing could be more apropos,'' replied Turf, " I have a
worthy friend of mine in Gloucestershire, not far from the spot,
Sir Henry Tally-ho, Bart., who will not only receive us with
all the warmth of a brother, but he will tell us all about the
matter, and furnish us with some fine cattle to visit the SOURCE
of the Thames. He is one of the old school, an accomplished
sportsman, of ancient pedigree and good, but a gentleman in
every point of view. He is a high-spirited fellow, and I know
we shall all be at home to a peg. His mansion is the seat of
hospitality ; and my brother Pilgrims will experience, at Fox-
hunter's Hall, all that they can wish for, where they will be
surrounded with pleasure; comfort, at their elbows; and
happiness wait upon their nightcap/1

" That's your sort/' said Sprightly, "the character you have
given of this fine old fox hunter, is inviting in the .extreme : bur,
my friend, Turf, is at home every where. In fact, he is a sort
of polar star to us wandering Pilgrims !"

IN SEARCH OF THE NATIONAL 359

" True, my nephew,'' echoed Makemoney, "Turf, is not only
one of the most accommodating" fellows that I ever met with in
the course of my life, but the readiest man to point out the
most agreeable, method of spending- our time either by land or
water. Let Us make the best of our way to Gloucestershire,
and on our return to London, afterwards, not a spot, or a creek,
connected with the source of the Thames, to the finish of it, at
the Nore, shall escape our notice/'

No time was lost, the quickest conveyance was adopted, and
in a short time, the Pilgrims found themselves comfortably
seated at Foxhunter's Hall. It was the true scene of hospitality
altogether, and so much sport and diversion were afforded to
them, that the days and nights positively flew away.

But Makemoney, Sprightly, and Flourish, were rather out, of
their element respecting1 the conversation which took place be-
tween Turf and the baronet. Sir Henry Tally-ho, was a thorough-
bred sportsman, and he took delight in scarcely any other sub-
ject. The pedigree, blood, and bone belonging to the crack
horses, the winners of the St. Leger, the Derby, and the Oaks,
he had at his fingers ends, without consulting' any book of refer-
ence. The qualities of the jockies were also strongly impressed
upon his memory, and there were few, if any race course in the
kingdom, that he had not shown himself at one period or another,
during his life.

At his own table, he was a choice spirit of the highest quality,
and over his glass a most entertaining companion, in his peculiar
way ; he was fond of a song, cheerful upon all occasions to the
echo, and his greatest delight appeared to be — to see and make
every body happy around him.

The library, left to him., by his predecessor, was seldom dis-
turbed, and the works in it, he jocularly used to call —
" Horses of another colour, and did not belong to his book."
Yet, every thing new, respecting the field, he purchased with
avidity, for his perusal when laid up with the gout, or compelled
to remain within doors. The Racing Calender, he pointed out
to his friends with delight : the Stud Book, was also a treat to
him, the Sporting Magazine, from its commencement, was his
' History of England,' as he termed it; and Boxiana, remind-
ed him of ( divers blows in sundry places ! All the above books
he had read so often, that he used to boast, he was as per-
fect about sporting events,;; as a clergyman, belonging to a
cathedral, with his bible.

Sir Henry Tally-ho, had no ambition to become an M. P.,
nay, he had refused that honour several times, observing, with a
smile, that he would be distanced, double-distanced, amongst
the ' Great Creatures ' in the nation, and the House that claimed
his attention, when in London, was the Red house, and also the
most attractive room, was the subscription parlour at Tattersalls.

360 THE PILGRIMS OF THE THAMES

The baronet likewise, at one period of his career, was a great
patron of the art of self-defence: he was fond of a cudgelling-
match, and could play a good bout at single-stick himself. The
prize-ring in its zenith, had not a greater supporter, and the
different styles and manners of the various boxers, he would
often descant upon rather eloquently. He used to call himself
an Englishman to the back-bone, and only exulted over Moli-
neaux, the man of colour, when he was defeated by the cham-
pion,- Tom Cribb, but apologized for this partiality, by observ-
ing, the national honour was at stake in the contest.

Sir Henry Tally-ho was a first-rate shot, and he could bring
down his bird with the best marksman in Gloucestershire ; but
out of the sporting world he pronounced himself little more than
a dummy, and had sense enough to keep his ' tongue within his
teeth/ when subjects were broached that he was ignorant of, or
could not comprehend. Such was the hero of Foxhunter' sHall.
Upon Makemoney's stating to the baronet that the principle
object of their journey was to view the SOURCE OF THE
THAMES.

" It is only a few miles from the hall," 'replied Tally-ho, ccand
a very pleasant ride through a delightful country. I have plenty
of horses, gentlemen, at your service, therefore, 1 beg you will
not stand upon any ceremony."

"We shall avail ourselves of your kind offer," answered
Turf, " but to praise the cattle of Sir Henry Tally-ho, would
be quite out of place."

" Stop a bit ! stop a bit ! said the old Citizen, " you forget
that I am no horseman, Mr. Turf, therefore, I must go to see the
source in a carriage of some description ; I shall then run no
risque of being thrown off my guard."

" My friend," replied the baronet, " you need not he under
any alarm as to being thrown, I have an old hunter, who has
seen the best of his days, and a baby might ride on him : be-
sides, he is as quiet as a lamb. Old Spankaway was once a tip-
top creature at a hunt, I admit, but his day has gone by, and,
like the old ones in general, both men and horses, his speed has
left him ; therefore, sir, I recommend the animal to your notice.
Any thing like danger, is not to be apprehended ; but if you
doubt my opinion of old Spankaway, my grooms will satisfy
you in every respect !"

" I do riot doubt your word, sir," answered Makemoney, " but
I repeat I am no horseman, and I may say, that almost since I
was a boy, I have not been across a horse ; and I am afraid I
might be rather timid."

" Never fear," said Turf, "we shall be all together and travel
at a moderate pace ; so that you may make up your mind no harm
will come of it. The road is a quiet one, and not like the dan-
gers to be apprehended on a race course."

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